A/N: Sorry for the delay, this chapter fought me tooth and nail... T_T

I've since beaten Breath of the Wild -the heck was that final boss?!- and at the moment I'm trying Age of Calamity.

After that comes Tears of the Kingdom. I've been spoiled a little -not happy about that!- so yes, I'm aware of what is under Hyrule Castle.

If by some miracle this makes it over 300 reviews -well over 200 already- I'll update it early with the rest. The more the merrier~! Fan feedback really helps me update faster!

My health has been...better. Between back and breathing problems I'm feeling the pains of being old. I still refuse to take those bloody muscle relaxers. Not a chance.

With my fifteen year anniversary on this site finally here, I find myself reflecting on the little things in life. What was once a lazy pastime meant for me and a few friends really grew and evolved over time. There are days when I look back on the last fifteen years here and I wonder if anyone will remember me; if I made an impact, despite never making a single cent on any of these stories. Some days were happier than others, and some stories I enjoyed writing WAY too much; to the point where I'd stay up all night working on them.

And of course, there are times when I look to the future and wonder what will become of things when I'm gone.

Of course, I try not to dwell on the latter overmuch; I'm still alive and still writing. In an ideal world, I'd like to keep doing so for as long as I can. But old age is catching up to me and these days, the world is filled with so much madness and death. Feels like everyone's lost their minds sometimes. Even before that, so many friends and fellow writers I once knew are gone, now. Will I still be here in twenty years? Ten? Five? Its a chilling thought. But for now, I'm still here, still writing.

So here we go. The fate of this story depends on you, the reader. Your feedback determines the fate of this tale, and many others.

I'm just a humble author trying to make his way in this wild world, one word at a time.

Time and feedback will determine if this remains a story. Simple as that.

Title is a pun and I'm not sorry.

"And that, sweethearts, is how I met your mother."

"Wait, wait! We don't understand! Which one?"

"Well, there's more to THAT story...

~A future scene.

Second Breath

Urbosa awoke with a blinding headache.

Her eyes ached and her head hurt, her mouth felt dryer than the desert itself.

She supposed that was a good sign; pain meant she was alive. The dead didn't feel pain. Which meant...

.

..

...ah, bugger. She'd lost, hadn't she?

Naruto had cleaned her clock, right and proper.

Oddly enough, the thought didn't rankle her as much as it once might have. She sprawled back on her bed with a sigh to stare ruefully at the ceiling. Her hear thumped in her chest and she felt a grim sort of satisfaction overtake her. No lingering regrets lurked within her. She had fought with all her might. Of that, there could be no doubt. Her opponent had simply been better. There was no shame in losing. Defeat was the best teacher. She would learn on this, redouble her training, and improve, so that she might never lose again. She'd certainly never underestimate a drunk!

Time to face the day then, she supposed.

Propping herself up on one elbow, she called for a guard.

They answered with due diligence, swung the door open and saluted before her.

"Where is the vo-Naruto?" She caught herself at the last word. "Where has he gone?" She would call him a Voe no longer. He had earned the right to addressed by his name. "Have you seen him?"

"Well," The guard looked a bit sheepish at that. Belatedly, she recognized her as the same one from yesterday. "He said he was feeling peckish so he...

"He...?" She posited.

"He flew, my lady." The second word had a curious connotation to it.

Urbosa blinked. She blinked hard. "Flew, you say? I trust there's more to it than that. Men do not simply fly away."

"It wasn't our fault!" The woman wailed, wilting under her gaze. "He was still drunk, but he said he was hungry, and someone recommended Molduga meat to him. So he wandered out into the desert in search of one. No one dared stop him, not after witnessing your duel with him. We saw him find and fight one such beast from afar...

Oh, dear. She could see where this was going. The sand whales were vicious creatures indeed, known for tossing their prey miles into the air. Surely he hadn't...bah, who was she kidding?!

"The beast launched him and he just...shot away into the sky." the soldier mimed, making an expansive gesture. "Toward Hyrule. We didn't see where he landed."

Urbosa heaved a sigh. So he wasn't here. A pity. She would've liked to see what he was like sober.

No matter. She doubted a fall like that would kill him.

Meanwhile, there was much to do.

Heaving herself up fully, she draped one leg over the edge of her bed. "Henceforth he is allowed within Gerudo town. He has my permission. Spread the word far and wide. He is welcome here."

And at my side, but she wasn't about to go blabbing that to just anyone.

The poor guard blanched. "Is that legal, my queen?"

She clicked her tongue. "I shall make it legal."

Said guard didn't budge.

"Is there more?"

...there is." the younger woman squirmed where she stood, knees twisting to and fro. "A great number of Val, that is to say, our people, expressed interest in him shortly after your defeat.

No surprise there. "What manner of interest? Speak plainly."

"More than a few wish to take him for a mate."

Urbosa laughed; it was a rich, delighted sound that surprised even her. Of course they did! The Gerudo people as a whole valued strength above all. Both of character and the body. To that end, many of their kind left the desert to seek out a proper mate in the distant lands. Some even returned to brag of the fine catches they'd made. Some did not. She didn't begrudge them that. But it was rare, very rare indeed, when one came to them. Rarer still for one to kick up such a fuss and defeat her in combat. Small wonder the Town was abuzz about him.

He would make a fine mate for many...but too bad for them. She'd fought him first. Finders keepers.

"Naruto, hmm?" she ran his name over her tongue and licked her lips, tasting it.

They would meet again. She'd make certain of that.

He'd find his way back here eventually.

...or she would find her way to him.


(.0.0.0.)


"What are you doing?!

"Researching. Here, hold him still."

"Sister, stop that! Don't poke him. He might bite!"

"I don't care! He owes me a blood sample at the very least after last night's catastrophe.

Naruto awoke in a daze to find a white-haired woman with lively red eyes leaned over him, squinting through her glasses. No, not squinting. Glaring. She didn't look best pleased with him. Her smile couldn't be called anything but strained and...wait. Were their two of her? Why was one wearing a weird hat?

He blinked at them. Blinked hard, now. "...am I seeing double?"

One of them scoffed. "You're not."

He sat up, not quite trusting himself to move in such a dimly lit room. "Where am I...?"

"You tell me." the one with glasses growled. "You crashed through my roof, and broke my furnace!"

His brain fizzled. "I did...?"

"You don't even remember?!"

There was an empty bottle clutched in his off hand. He didn't remember picking that up. Granted he remembered...most things. His name, his chakra, Kurama grumbling something about a headache, falling from a great height. Fighting somene. Just not the exact sequence of events that had led him to this moment.

The shorter of the two twitched. "I'll kill him."

The taller sighed. "Sister, no."

"Sister yes!"

He rolled over, ignoring them. Was this what a hangover felt like? If so, he never wanted to drink again. He was clutching something in his hand. Blearily he eyed the object and realized it was a bottle. He squinted at it. The label looked legible enough, even if the bottle itself had taken something of a beating.

Gerudo town's finest wine. Huh. He squinted at it a moment longer, eyes narrowing. Gerudo town...

His eyes widened. "Ah! I remember now!"

"Good." The younger of the duo growled. "Then you know why I'm going to kill you!"

Her sibling scowled. "Purha!

"What? Honesty is the best policy! What do you have to say for yourself, mister?!

Had he been drinking? Or maybe he'd hit his head. Everything felt heavy. Couldn't think straight." I'm...sorry?"

"Oh, sorry, he says! Sorry doesn't fix what you broke!" she all but seethed a thim. "My! Guidance! Stone!

"Heh. She's cute when she's angry."

The other girl turned bright red and he realized he'd spoken aloud. No! Bad tongue! Foul hangover!

"Thanks...? Wait, no! Flattery won't save you! Explain yourself!

"I really wish I could, but I don't remember...

She glared at him for a long moment. "Of course you don't. You fell out the sky, crashed through MY roof, wrecked my laboratory, stumbled down into the village, had a running brawl with half the castle, and wrecked my laboratory! What do you have to say for yourself?!"

Impa raised a finger. "Technically speaking, this isn't your lab-

Naruto's tongue betrayed him a heartbeat later. "...and you said one of those things twice."

Purrah planted both hands on either side of his head, practically pinning him in place as she glared bloody red daggers at him. "Are those your last words?"

Ah, jeez. He'd really stepped in it this time, hadn't he? "Look, I'm sorry again, miss...

"Purah!" a finger jabbed his forehead. "Don't you dare forget it! You owe me!"

Too close

Too crowded.

Too angry.

"Riiiiight, and I'll pay you back as soon as-look out behind you!" he thrust a finger past her. "A monster!"

She spun with a startled yelp, and Impa with her. "WHERE?!"

By the time they realized the trick, he was long gone.

He needed some air.


(.0.0.0.)


Hyrule Wasn't half bad, so far as castles went.

Large and grand with sprawling architecture, most of it was lost on him sure, but he could appreciate a nice place when he saw it. Bit stuffy, though. Hiding from all this noise, all these people and all their prying questions wasn't helping with his hangover. Almost made him want to crawl back into a bottle. And he wasn't one to drink in the first place.

"This from the lush who started a fight in Gerudo Town...?"

'One time!' he flung up his arms. 'One time and you never let me live it down!'

"Somehow I get the feeling its going be more than one.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. He wasn't keen on making promises to people he barely knew, people he didn't really trust for that matter. He needed more information on this world -and its people!- before he went and swore himself to anyone. Bah! He wasn't here for boring talk. He was here for...he didn't know what exactly, but it wasn't to have people drone at him. Maybe that was the hangover talking. He'd taken his fair share of orders before back home and he wasn't so keen on it now.

Maybe he ought to find that Gerudo town again. Urbosa seemed nice enough. He could listen to her all day.

His wandering eventually brought him to an open-air plaza, which was all to the good, because he'd just about decided to leave this stuffy place behind.

He looked left, then right, considering the horizon before him. Kurama was of no help whatsoever.

"Now which direction was it again?" when no answers were immediately forthcoming, he shrugged. "Meh, I'll wing it."

He took a glance at theblue bottle still clutched in his hand. Surely a single swig wouldn't be so bad. A bit of liquid courage to fortify him and fight down the anxiety bubbling up within. Just enough to keep him calm, ya know? He licked his lips quickly, heaved a sigh, and knocked it back.

A quick sip soon followed. Followed by another.

And another.

Another.

Soon enough he felt much better. What was he worried about again? Bah, couldn't remember. Probably wasn't important. What was important was getting away from this castle before all those chatterboxes managed to find him again. He could talk with them later. Laterish...other words that began with the letter L and all that.

"Riiiight then." He tossed the bottled aside, rolled one shoulder and feigned a punch with his arm. "Let's do this."

"Drinking is no way to cope, Naruto."

"Ain't drunk." he muttered sullenly. "Just tipsy this time."

And he was! He could still think, mostly, he just felt more...relaxed.

Nothing wrong with a little relaxation, right? Wasn't like he was going to make a habit of this.

Shaking himself, he picked a direction gathered his legs beneath him and...leaped!

In hindsight, he might've put a little too much ooomph into it...


(.0.0.0.)


"...father?"

"Yes, my dear Mipha?"

"Why is there a Hylian drowning in our fountain?"

Dorephan sighed. "...I don't know. Perhaps we should ask him."

Well, well, today certainly promised to be interesting if nothing else...


(.0.0.0.)


One lengthy and decidedly tipsy explanation later...


(.0.0.0.)


...and that's the long and short of it." Naruto clasped his hands and bowed his head. "I'm reeeally sorry about the fountain. I'll fix it. Scout's honor."

King Dorephan thumbed his chin, considering him with a keen eye. "I see. You've had quite the journey, haven't you?"

Naruto shook himself and swept a hand through his damp hair. "Buddy, you don't know the half of it.

When he'd jumped he hadn't expected to go quite so far. He shouldn't have, for that matter. Had he overshot the distance? No, that couldn't be right. Maybe it was time to put the bottle down for awhile and stop drinking. Inhibitions aside, clearly didn't know his own strength where alcohol was involved...

Still, this Dorephan fellow had been downright cordial, even before he'd promised to fix the fountain-

Movement in his peripherals drew his eyes. "And who's this?"

This one wasn't like the other Zora; unlshe was very, very small. Petite, even. Red and white at that. He'd seen her lurking behind the larger one while they talked, but she'd not said a word. Had he frightened her...?

Her father tutted softly, bemused by her behavior. "Mipha, don't be shy. Say hello to our guest."

She ducked behind her father, clutching a trident longer than she was tall. "...hello."

Pure, precious child. Must protect.

Imagine his surprise when her father said otherwise. "Wait, she's not a kid? But she's so small!" He was easily a head taller than her. "No offense and all, I'm not tryin' to be rude, but...

"None taken. Dorephan granted him a rueful grin. "We of the Zora do not age as you Hylians do-

"Hylian? he frowned, taken aback." I'm not a Hylian. I'm an Uzumaki."

A blink. "Is there a difference?"

"Definitely." his head bobbed, recalling something his own mother once said. "We're human, but we tend to live pretty long lives. One of my ancestors lived well past a hundred, or so I was told." he vaguely remembered mom mentioning that to him when they'd had their chat back in the seal.

The king tilted his head. "You were told?"

"Thaaat's another story. Pretty sure I'm the last one of me around." He looked back to Mipha, who was still watching him warily. It hurt a little. He mustered his best grin for her. "I know I look a little scary like this. Sorry about that...

"No," she shook her head slowly. "Its not that...you're hurt."

His brow furrowed in mild consternation. "I am?"

She gestured toward his head.

Naruto frowned and pressed two fingers to his skull in return. It came away bloody. Well, that'd explain the headache. Why hadn't it healed by itself? Strange. A quick tap of a glowing palm and a surge of Kurama's chakra put him to rights. He felt it close and with it, the pounding in his temples began to recede. In a matter of moments he found himself much improved. There, better. Now if he could just rid himself of the ringing in his ears...

...that light!" Mipha perked up, bright eyes alight with sudden interest at what he'd done. "Might you be a healer as well?"

She'd raised a hand toward him and now lowered it as he looked on. Had she been prepared to heal him?

"Of a sort. You're clearly no slouch yourself!"

...will you stay awhile?"

Pure girl. Must protect. He couldn't be mad at her if he tried. "Sure! Whenever you like!"

King Dorephan chortled softly. "We would be honored to host you until you find your feet, champion."

"Me?" he scratched the back of his head. "I'm no one special...

"I disagree!" Mipha's vehemence brought him up short.

"You fought for your world. That makes you a champion. I refuse to consider you anything less!"

"Alright, alright, no need to shout...

Naruto caught a bemused gleam of something in king Dorephan's eye as he gazed upon them just then, but it was there and gone before he could figure out what it was.

Perhaps had he recognized it, had he realized, he might've saved himself some chaos down the line.

Then again, he thrived on chaos. In that way, he was much like the Calamity.

A/N: Sure its funny now, but Naruto's started drinking to cope with all this chaos. What happens when he stops?

The mother of all hangovers? That's for sure

Bah, who am I kidding, more hilarity awaits!

As ever, the Embers rule persists. If folks don't like this? Well, I won't continue it. So by all means, speak up! Raise your voice! Make yourself heard! Your reviews matter! Really, they do! That's no joke. I don't have days off anymore -two jobs will do that to you- and I'm working myself to the bone.

So by all means, speak up! Raise your voice! Make yourself heard! Your reviews matter!

That's no joke! I can't write without feedback. Guess that makes me weak...T_T

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas... ...Review Would You Kindly?

And enjoy the previews! Potential ones at that. Mind you, they're all rough and condensed to save space!

(Previews)

He was still pondering that when the door burst open and a great big barrel-chested man stalked into the room.

this the one, then? You've cause quite the ruckus, young man. I've half a mind to throw you in the dungeons...or I would," he amended quickly at his flat glare, "if you hadn't trampled most of my guards the last time you were here. Who are you, stranger? Where do you hail from?

"Well, that's a bit of a long story...

He told them. By the end the king was stricken silent and the Sheikah sisters were looking at him in a decidedly different light.

Well, Purah was looking at him but she seemed more curious than anything else. "What's this about scrolls..?

That's the part you focus on?

Lemme see! Oh, wow. We don't have anything like this. You're...really not from this word, are you? Doesn't seem it.

The king coughed into a fist. And yet you've displayed prodigous power, strength unlike anything we've seen. What say you? Will you aid us against Calamity Ganon?

...what is Calamity Ganon?


Embrace the fear, princess. Quiet it. Find the stillness...and let go.


"You're pretty strong for a little guy!"

"Hey, hey! Easy with the back slaps! You'll knock me into the lava!"

Naw, that wouldn't kill you! You're built of sterner stuff than that! I can tell!

"I'd rather not find out!


So you can fly? Huh. Neat. As expceted of a birdman!"

...you're mocking me, aren't you?"

"No, no, not at all.

Rivali preened. Yes, that is one of the many skills I possess-ha?!

He turned back to find the blond hovering in the air as if he'd been born there, bathed in golden fire.

"What manner of skill is that?! You're not even flapping your arms!

"Don't need to~!"


"Listen, Link. Zelda cares about ya. Stay close to her, ya hear? You're the only one who can deal with Ganon."

"...!"

Hey, hey! Don't gimme that look. You're the hero here, not me. Of course I'll help if things get bad. He remembered what Mipha had said and thumbed his chin, considering. "I think I've got a way to help that princess of yours unlock her powers...

The master swordsman perked up.

...only problem is, it involves putting you and her in an awful lot of danger. You still up for it?"

Link seized his wrist.

"I'll take that as a yes, then!"

EDIT: Thanks for reading! Hope you all have a great day~!