Introduction. Some sexual content and language.

Hey, Fanficition fans! Your neighborhood Pool guy here to present to you a story about a very underrated character from that Birds of Prey movie everyone's already forgotten. No not Ewan McGregor but his better half, I'm talking about Helena Bertinelli, better known as...


"THE CROSSBOW KILLER!"

Knocked off his feet in a back alley, Italian mob boss, Johnny the Squid had been chased the past couple blocks by a maniac in a dark cloak in broad daylight in downtown Gotham. He'd twisted his ankle trying to climb a fire escape and fell in a heap on the ground, he knew he was done for when he saw the towering figure advancing down the dead end alley with that notorious crossbow used to kill many high ranking figures and associates of his.

"Please...whatever they're paying you I'll double it...triple it!"

They stood over Johnny, removed their hood, he wasn't exactly expecting a young woman but she looked so hardened and cold especially those dark eyes that seen some shit.

She spoke in a gravelly voice, "I. AM. HUNTRESS!"

She raised the bow up, pointing it at his head, "I'm sorry, please, Miss Huntress, I don't wanna die!"

"Tough shit!"

He paused, "Really?"

"What?"

"Don't you guys normally have stuff prepared before whacking a guy?"

Huntress pondered, "I um...dropped my notebook."

Yes Huntress did always come prepared with what she thought were good one liners and comebacks but she accidentally dropped her notebook somewhere on the way over so she was fresh out of ideas.

He dropped his guard and laughed, "What are you some kind of amateur?"

"I AM NOT AN AMATUER!" The crossbow shook in her hands, she was practically foaming at the mouth.

"Jeez! Say it don't spray it! Lighten up!"

"I take my work very seriously! I answer to no one! I am to be feared! I am the night! I clean the streets! I swallow planets!"

Johnny was kind of embarrassed for her, "I think that's Galactus, honey."

Huntress groaned, "Whatever!"

"Look, this isn't really all that fun for me. I think you're kind of too dark."

"Too dark? What the hell do you think I am?"

"Look, I'm really tired of the whole brooding hero type. Maybe you should try a different angle."

"No way!" Huntress protested, "This is really working for me!"

"I don't think so," he tried not to laugh, "Maybe you should try something else like being a clown."

Huntress glared, "I am not a clown!"

"You probably ain't got no friends either."

"I...I do so...there's bartender and mailman...," she blanked.

"Fuck sakes, it's been how long and you haven't come close to whacking me yet?"

Huntress finally had enough and put an arrow through his eye, it was at this moment she remembered a quip she wrote that was perfect for this moment, "Uh-huh! Should have kept your eye out for me..."

His lights went out long before she had time to get all of that out.

"SHIT!"


Huntress drank alone in her regular seedy bar of choice, she pounded a couple shots while reflecting on what Johnny said, 'No fun', that was what she took away from that, 'Too dark'. What would he know? He was probably just mad that a woman took him out; to be fair he was maybe one of the more polite ones she'd dealt with.

"Yo, Huntress," said the bartender, an older fellow that was used to her visits, "Get another one today?"

"Yes. Johnny the Squid."

"I bet you really inked him, eh?" Huntress was shocked that he came up with that on the spot, she pounded the table, "Hey! Hey! Take it easy. How many more on your list?"

Huntress pulled out a wrinkled piece of paper, all of the men responsible for her family's murder 10 years ago, there was only one name not crossed off her list, "One to go."

"Wow. What are you going to do after it's finished?"

Huntress frowned, "What do you mean?"

"Well, with your family fully avenged you must have plans?"

Huntress rubbed her chin, pondering; she'd never put that much thought into what she'd do after her mission was complete, her whole young adult life was focused on hunting everyone responsible.

"Huh, not sure."

"Well, you must have dreams."

"Only of bathing in the blood of my enemies," she said in a calm and not at all psychopath manner.

He squirmed, "I mean for the future."

"Well, I've always wanted a pony."

He frowned, but this changed, "I know: You could be a stand up comedian."

"Why would I want to do that?"

"I mean you are kind of funny."

She was getting a little irritated with him, "Funny how? Like a clown? Do I amuse you?"

"Er, on second thought..."

"It's hopeless. I'd need some kind of miracle."

As if someone were listening, a wary traveler dressed all in red entered like a total boss and sat on the stool next to Huntress.

"Hey, DP, the usual?"

"thanks, Eddy, gonna need whiskey to get the taste of failure out of my mouth."

Huntress ignored him, she didn't understand the assassin known as Deadpool most of the time, therefore she hated him; she doodled a picture of herself in a brand new costume decapitating a man's head with a giant katana.

"What's got you glum, chum?" The merc with the mouth said, invading her personal space.

She sighed, "Nothing."

"Doesn't seem like nothing."

"It's nothing," she snapped politely.

"Ok...," once his whiskey came in the form of a bottle and two glasses, Deadpool lifted his mask up and threw back a shot.

Huntress became tired of his noises he made every time he felt the burning sensation in his throat, he noticed her looking at him with those deep chocolate pools, "Aw!" He exclaimed, reaching over and pinching one of Huntress' cheeks, "So precious!"

Huntress gabbed his wrist and snapped it with one quick motion, he managed to hold in his cries and preserve his manhood, "Eep...Didn't hurt."

"Touch me again and I rip it off!"

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Betty Paige."

The bartender laughed at the reference, annoying Huntress further.

She groaned and downed another shot, "Is this what people want me to be? More like him? He's an asshole!"

The bartender shrugged, "He's a funny asshole."

"I'm a funny asshole," Deadpool said, leaning closer to Huntress, attempting to make puppy dog eyes.

Huntress had no time for this, the bar was the only time she had to clear her head before she went back onto the streets to leave a trail of carnage.

"Kill anybody today?" The bartender asked Deadpool as he went for some more whiskey.

"No! I was supposed to ice Johnny the Squid and instead found out some fucker put an arrow through his eye!" Huntress hid her laughter but not well enough, Deadpool slid over close to her, "Something to tell the rest of the class?"

She shook her head, unfortunately the bartender had to go and ruin the moment, he chuckled and pointed to her, "She inked him."

"SHE INKED HIM?" Deadpool did a double take, "I can't believe it! I get upstaged by hotter Katniss Everdeen over here!"

She rolled her eyes, "I killed him fair and square!"

"It's bad enough that you inked him but you had to kill him too?"

Huntress wasn't sure why but she felt kind of bad, she watched him make a scene and storm out of the bar.

"I'd go after him," the bartender said as he cleaned a glass.

She stole a sip of some of Deadpool's remaining whiskey and ran out the door.

"Pool! Wait!"

He was halfway down the street murmuring to himself, she ran up to him just as he pressed the button to walk at the crosswalk.

"I'm sorry ok?" He folded his arms and wouldn't talk to her, "I know it's shitty taking someone else's kill but it was personal for me."

"Yeah well it was personal for me too."

She frowned, unsure of any history between them, "Why, did he kill your family too?"

"What? No. I was going to make bank. Like a lot. That's SUPER personal!"

She sighed, "Well look, I don't know if you've noticed but well I don't have a lot of friends..."

"Could have fooled me," he said, repeatedly tapping the button as cars drove by.

"And well Johnny said I didn't seem fun, I'm too dark. I don't know how to be funny but maybe you could maybe help me?"

He stopped and looked at her, like really looked at her, she was like a scared little girl trapped in this grown woman's body.

"Goddammit! I can't say no to that face! Come here, Ramona Flowers!" He hugged her tight. Huntress tried to fight him off but he kept at and whispered, "Don't fight it. Embrace the hugging."

He let her go when he head the familiar sound of a knife being pulled out of a secret pocket and a possible rib breaking, she held onto her knees and caught her breath, "Where do I start?"

"Well first...," he noticed her secret knife sticking out of his stomach, he yanked it out and tossed it, "First we don't stab people that are trying to help you!"

"Ok. Sorry," she said with no remorse.

"Now what if say, someone gives you flowers or a gift?"

"It's a trap! The flowers are probably poisonous so I shoot them in the face!"

Deadpool wasn't sure how to respond to that, "Jesus, ok this might take more work than I thought."

"You have to remember I have been alone for a long time."

"Yeah, yeah I get you. You were raised by a bunch of grown ass dudes in the woods living like a hermit for a decade," he quickly paused, "Wait so you've been alone. Does that mean you haven't?" He made a circle with his thumb and index finger and inserted the index finger from his other hand, a gesture Huntress was not aware of.

"Haven't what?"

A nearby vendor luckily had a wiener and bagel he could demonstrate with but Huntress still wasn't getting it.

"I don't have time for charades!"

"Ok. Ok. I overheard Eddy telling you to try standup. Why not give that a try? People like comedians."

"I don't. I also hate clowns!"

"But if you're a little nicer you could make a lot more friends. Especially if you make them laugh"

Huntress pondered, "Wait, you weren't even in the bar yet how did you know the bartender said any of that to me?"

"Talk like that is for internet forums and conventions!"


With Deadpool's guidance, Huntress booked gigs all around Gotham, though to mixed results, surprisingly not many people were onboard for her to get up at the mic and talk about how hard it was to dispose of a body. When Deadpool made her try prop comedy it was a disaster, especially when he insisted on her putting on one of those headbands with the broken arrow to make it look like an arrow was sticking out of her head.

"YOU SUCK!"

She didn't even start her bit and already people were heckling and booing her off stage.

Disappointed that she had failed this, Huntress sat on the sidewalk listening to more of Deadpool's advice on what to say to win people over.

"No matter when in doubt always make finger guns and say, 'My man'."

She sighed, resting her head in her hands, "It's hopeless, nobody wants me as their friend or as a comedian."

"You think that ever stopped Dane Cook?" She wasn't in the mood, "Ok, look, I have one more place booked. I'll help you with some of your set."

"It's pointless."

"If you don't get one laugh then I won't book anymore shows and you can be the Crossbow Killer again."

"HUNTRESS!" She insisted, gritting her teeth.

"Who?" He asked flexing an eyebrow under his mask.

She stopped when she realized what he was trying to rib at her, she pointed her fingers at him, "My man!"

He put her in a headlock and gave her a noogie.


Maybe it was a long shot, this Hotshots Club wasn't exactly the Ritz but the wing specials and mixers were to die for. Huntress dressed in a more comical version of her outfit, brighter colors like blue and a light purple, a bow and arrow with a red sucker at the end instead of a pointed arrow, she felt like she was mocking her own personality.

The host of the evening introduced Huntress with a card written by Deadpool, "Next up is a comedienne that really knocks 'em dead...literally. You sure as hell better laugh or else...," he paused when he realized how threatening the rest of the statement on the card was, he decided to skip over the unnecessary mention of disembroiling the whole crowd, "Huntress!"

Deadpool clapped and whistled the hardest when she came up on stage, like she was his kid at a school recital.

She fumbled with the microphone, "How's everybody doing tonight?"

"What the hell are you wearing?" An angry sounding drunk said way in back, some laughed in response.

She ignored him and continued on, "So..."

"Nobody cares!"

Everyone laughed harder, she had a card labelled emergency just in case she was bombing.

"Or um, how about Batman and Robin, huh? I mean something's gotta be going on there, right?"

"That joke is older than the tumor in my brain!"

Deadpool grew concerned when he saw her blank pale face, "If we're not lucky this whole thing could turn into a Joker situation and I'm talking Leto not Phoenix here,"

"Um," she flipped through the rest of the index cards Deadpool gave her, she ended up dropping them all off stage, she froze, unsure of what to do at this point, "Any requests? I can do impressions!"

"TAKE YOUR TOP OFF!"

Huntress was confused, "My top?"

"YEAH!"

She wasn't sure why but maybe it would help her be more liked, some people seemed to respond positively to the drunk frat boy's suggestion.

"Everyone ok with that?"

"YEAH! WOOOO!"

"Ok!"

Deadpool wasn't sure if she was serious, he covered his eyes in shame but moved his fingers so he could at least take a peek. Huntress lifted her top up over her head and everyone was ecstatic to seeing a naked woman on stage, maybe not so much the owner of the club but 99% wasn't bad. She was a well endowed young woman, Huntress played it up, dancing around stage, shaking her bodacious breasts for the crowd; Deadpool thought this must be what strippers felt like saving money to become nurses.

"PANTS TOO! EVERYTHING!"

Huntress had no shame but was confused on why people were excited by seeing her in the buff but she didn't want to deny them, apparently all it took to make friends was to lose your clothes and by the end of the night she was going to make a lot of friends. She kicked off her tight spandex pants and panties, everyone wanted to see her twerk and twerk she did, though she needed some coaching from Deadpool who demonstrated from his seat. Huntress turned her back to the crowd and jiggled her money maker. This was oddly fun for her, she still didn't get how this excited a whole room full of people but if this was popular she might as well milk it for all it's worth.

By the end of her set, someone handed her a towel to wipe all the sweat, Deadpool retrieved her costume, Huntress surprised him with a naked hug.

"Wow!"

"That was amazing!" Huntress exclaimed, "People really liked me!"

"Oh boy do they!"

"I can't believe I showed my butt in front of so many people though," she said, now feeling some regret.

"Relax, everyone already saw it on Fargo."

Huntress paused, unsure of the reference he was making.

"Everyone here tonight is my friend, right? That guy that asked me to take my top off is my friend!"

"Uh I really don't think so..."

The drunk man was still unseen but remained vocal in the shadows, "Nice tits, Huntress!"

Huntress aimed her fingers into the crowd, "My man!"

A tired Deadpool stretched, "Well, little lady, looks like my work here is done."

Huntress watched as he used some ring on his finger to make a window to another world appear.

"What is that thing?"

"Huh? Oh, this is something I borrowed from Doctor Strange so I could come pull off some extra jobs in your universe. In there is the MCU, it's kind of like your world only less dark and with a more cohesive timeline."

Huntress was drawn in by the bright colors and people with upside down frowns, things she had never seen before.

"And when I say borrow I mean it was left out on his desk but it's not like he didn't say no when I whispered it to myself so..."

"Take me with you."

"Pardon?"

"Please. I would really like to go. It looks like so much fun there."

Deadpool took a moment to think this over, "Hm I dunno. What about your list?"

"He can wait."

"What about your blossoming comedy career?"

She shrugged, "Maybe I'll come up with some new material."

"That's true it could lead to at least one Netflix special, maybe a series about you and your new friends."

She squealed and hugged him again, he was impressed how much she had changed in less than 48 hours, he was seeing a much more fun murderous vigilante.

"Ok, you crazy kid, cover your buns and let's mess with the fabric of time and space!"

Huntress dressed just in time to hop through the portal as police were arriving to shut everything down.

She took Deadpool's hand at his insistence and together they leaped through to parts unknown.

Well it sure looks like Huntress is taking quite the plunge into the next chapter of her life. It will include, villains, fights and maybe some romance (Of course!) but that will have to wait until next time!

To be continued!