A/n: I don't like abandoning a project that I've poured two years of thought and sweat into. I'm fond of the plot, I like a lot of the dialogue, and I've loved writing plot twist after plot twist. But I don't see how I can handle this any other way. My time on this site has become increasingly dissatisfying, and some of the people I've met have been maddening and downright toxic. I can't put up with it anymore. As of now, After the Roar—and my time on this site—has come to an end.

Back in 2019, one of my faithful reviewers (whom I'll call "Suicide Girl") left an unkind comment on someone else's story. "You're making these characters have illicit sex? You should seriously think about killing yourself." I was furious at her review, and I called her out for writing for such a heartless and cruel comment. And after an ugly debate over the merits of encouraging people to commit suicide (as if there were any merits), Suicide Girl cut ties with me and ignored me.

Fast-forward to 2022. Most Christians are good and kind people, but one Christian author on this site exemplifies the definitions of "conceit," "snobbery," and "narcissism." His profile page is a massive list of his standards for good fanfiction, and his reviews are supercilious verbal masturbation that exist not to encourage authors or offer constructive critique, but to parade his knowledge and self-imposed lofty status. For example, thousands of fanfics are littered with reviews that go like this:

Dear [author]:

Would this medieval character really have such a modern-sounding name?

Sincerely,
Wannabe Solomon

In June 2022, he left a much less cordial and much more snarky review of one of my own fics. (The review no longer exists, as I reposted the story a few days later.) I called him out on what he got wrong, and because I knew what a pretentious asshole he was, I refused to mince my words. The month-long dialogue that followed was a dumpster fire: This guy preached at me, treated me like an illiterate moron, misinterpreted my motives, twisted my words, refused to teach me anything I wanted to learn, and got so pretentious and snobby that I ended up blocking him. Shortly after that, the steady stream of reviews I was getting for one of my fanfics disappeared, making me wonder if he was PM'ing my reviewers and telling them to ignore me.

Fast-forward a year later. There's a guest reviewer named Arika (who goes by Arika Koski 2021, Arika Koski 2022, Roxas, and undoubtedly others) hanging out in the Lion King fandom. She's had quite a reputation for writing comments like, "If this was a movie, would it be rated PG-13 or R?" and "SIMBA'S PRIDE IS A GREAT MOVIE! GO END YOURSELF OR I WILL DESTROY YOU!" Last month, I published a controversial one-shot called "If You Curse Someone, Dig Two Holes," and Arika turned her sights on me. She was so incensed by my comments on Simba's Pride and shocked by the plot of my story, she barraged me with reviews and complaints.

For example:

Arika: Does Simba hate Nala?
Me: [no answer, since the story explains it all]
Arika: DOES SIMBA HATE NALA? I DEMAND AN ANSWER TO MY QUESTION!
Me: [still no answer]
Arika: SIMBA WAS AN ASSHOLE! KIARA HAD EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY AT HIM! YOU DON'T DESERVE THE INTERNET! KILL YOURSELF OR I WILL DESTROY YOU!

Arika: Does Simba hate Nala?
Me: Of course not.
Arika: HE HAD NO RIGHT TO BE ANGRY! YOU DON'T DESERVE THE INTERNET! GO TO HELL!

Arika: Do you like The Lion Guard?
Me: [no answer, since I don't want to go off-topic in reviews]
Arika: ANSWER MY QUESTION! DO YOU LIKE THE LION GUARD?!
Me: Please just create an account and we'll talk about it.
Arika: I DON'T KNOW HOW! YOU DON'T DESERVE THE INTERNET! GO OFF YOURSELF!

After putting up with this for a full month, she wrote yet another comment on "If You Curse Someone, Dig Two Holes." This is what she wrote:

YOU DON'T DESERVE THE INTERNET! KIARA IS RIGHT TO BE ANGRY AT SIMBA! SIMBA WAS MAKING AN EXCUSE TO BE AN ASSHOLE! NOW GO END YOURSELF OR I WILL DESTROY YOU!

Shortly after that, I replied:

I have tried desperately to reach out to you in friendship and cordiality. . . . For the last month, you've been telling me I don't deserve the Internet, you repeated tangential or absurd questions ad nauseam, and when I didn't give you the answer you want, you screamed at me and demanded that I kill myself.

I don't know what I did to make you loathe me, but I don't care. I've shown you respect and cordiality because I care about you, and I've invited you to create an account so we can discuss your concerns at length, but after your umpteenth tirade on "If You Curse Someone, Dig Two Holes," I'm fed up with reading your reviews. I've got a full-time job, fun hobbies, bodybuilding, and a 2-year battle with long-haul COVID; I've got too much going on my life to waste time on the opinions of someone who treats me like shit.

Don't bother reviewing my stuff anymore, even if you like it. You won't get any response from me, and your reviews will disappear into oblivion without anyone ever reading them. Get off FanFiction, get a new hobby, get some help—whatever you need to find some happiness and joy in your life. But no matter what, go away and leave me alone.

Unfortunately, she didn't leave me alone. This morning, she wrote the following comment: "Fine! Delete my reviews! I'm gonna stop reviewing from now on! You hurt my feelings! You treat me like an enemy!"

My encounters with Suicide Girl, Wannabe Solomon, and Arika Koski have underscored a bad feeling I've felt for four years: No matter what I do, I cannot win. I can't get half my critics to treat me decently, and I can't try to set healthy boundaries without being barraged by condescension, malice, and backlash.

But Arika's words are especially heartbreaking. The fact that I hurt her, hurts me. I want to be friends with everyone I meet, and I want people to walk away from an encounter with me and say they were better for meeting me. Instead, I put them off, repulse them, and get rejected. And when I try to be a friend and set healthy boundaries, all I'm doing is causing pain, and I don't want that on my conscience.

I keep thinking about what Simba told Kovu in Simba's Pride: "You don't belong here." The same can be said of me: I don't belong here. But at least this whole ordeal has taught me a valuable lesson, summed up in the brilliant words of Jean-Luc Picard: "It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That's not weakness—that's life." I just wish I had learned it sooner.

Peace out, y'all.
John Jude Farragut, Ph.D.