As Gretchen continued to sit and think, more of the conversation with her mother came back to her.

"If you're going to stay in the Empire, stay there because you want to, because you want desperately to be a Klingon warrior, or to join a monastery or to dance in all the best plays. Don't leave Voyager because you're running…you'll fall in the first pit you come across…..lots of good has come from running to something, no good has ever come from running away."

What am I running from? What am I running to?

Right now? I'm running from this cave to my ship. The home I love. My family.

That's going to end again. To break apart. Once we get back to Earth it will break...

Into a thousand pieces, she thought, and her heart ached as the tears came down.

I miss my crew.

I can't take this again.

What do you do when what you want most is impossible?

She keened again, but this time wiped the tears away angrily.

Where would I run to, other than Voyager?

Not Kronos, after this. I won't run there after what I've seen with Kh'thoh.

What's left?

Earth I guess? But why would I run to Earth? I'm never seen it.

My species is from there and mom loves it. But why should I care?

Starfleet Academy. Indiana. What does it mean to me?

I'll only be overshadowed, once again, by my mother.

At least my death is mine.

Or is it? Thought Gretchen in the same moment, breathing in deeply and smelling the corpse rot from the next room.

Her mind sharpened, If I'm going to beat this infernal ritual I have to have something to fight with. Something to fight for.

My mother said I should be running to something. Well I did, I ran to Thomas, as fast as I could.

With all my strength, thought Gretchen keening.

But that's no longer an option.

Gretchen tightened her hand into a fist.

I've fought so long for my ship. My crew. But I'm still alive. I have to find a way to move on. Or accept that this is the end.

Is that really what Thomas would want? What I want? Is there nothing more out there than failure and death, meaninglessness?

Gretchen breathed in sharply, almost crying again, but forcing herself to think.

And there's still the problem of overcoming my parents. Becoming who I might have been without them crushing me into the shape they wanted.

Two things I'm afraid of.

That I have to face.

Her body felt limp all of the sudden, and she felt the determination leave her.

It seemed overwhelming.

I'm just tired, she thought again, I don't have the strength anymore.

How would I find something to fight for in a dark cave alone?

To Gretchen's shock and dismay, the answer came to her almost immediately.

What else have you been running from?

Vision Quests

I'm been afraid of them for so long. I even tried to face them months ago and it didn't work. I failed.

But I'm out of options, thought Gretchen, who after a long moment of indecision, stood up and set to work.

She knew her father's technique. It had never worked for her before. But perhaps it would, now that she really needed it. Now that she was open to it.

In an effort to relax herself she recreated Tuvok's meditation chamber as much as possible, dividing the large lanterns in the room into smaller lights and using a sleeping palette as a table.

She reached out and tried to remember the chant she'd been taught by her father. It did not work immediately, but she continued, pushing, trying to calm herself.

There's power here, on this planet. I know it. Perhaps not all of it belongs to Kahless, the merciless god.

I need a God of mercy.

I don't want it to end here.

Not when there might still be something I'm missing.

Show me what I'm missing. What I need to know. The Truth.

Let me become the person I was meant to be.

One moment she was staring at the wall, and her mother's sleeping form. And the next moment she was not.


Gretchen's eyes felt as if they were forcibly closed, when she opened them she was no longer in the small cavernous bedroom. She was certain she was not on Asclepius anymore, or at least her consciousness was no longer there.

The area in front of Gretchen featured flowers and greenery underneath a clear blue expanse that seemed to stretch out forever. There was a slow, warm wind that smelled open somehow.

"Is this Earth?" she asked, to anyone who would answer.

"Most certainly," said another voice, kind but with authority in it.

She startled and turned, "Welcome to the Academy," said the man smiling.

Her eyes were wide as she gazed at him. He was wearing an older style uniform with Starfleet pips, but he was not a Captain, he was an Admiral.

"It's nice to meet you Gretchen, Cadet Kincaid," he said holding out his hand. She shook it, still startled. He did not seem to notice.

What is this? Where am I?

"I understand this is your first time on Earth," the man continued.

"Yes," she answered.

"This is San Francisco," he said genially, "We're on the west coast of North America, on the Pacific Ocean. They call this area California. I think you'll find the weather agreeable, might take awhile to get used to though, I understand you were born on a ship."

Gretchen nodded.

"I like ships," he said, holding her gaze, "There's nothing to equal them for exploration and efficiency, but there's much more space here," he said gesturing, "More room to grow, more room for mistakes,"

Gretchen nodded again, not knowing what to say.

"Ah, here's your cadet liaison," he said after a moment, looking off in the distance.

"Admiral Patterson," came a young woman's voice as she came near. She saluted in a formal fashion.

He nodded at her, "At ease, Katie," he gestured to Gretchen, "This is our new 5th year cadet, Gretchen Kincaid,"

"Nice to meet you," the young woman said, looking at Gretchen.

The cadet had a young face, with a slight layer of baby fat hiding her distinctive cheek bones. The difference was enough that Gretchen might've done a double take and wondered, but the voice was exactly the same, and Gretchen would've known it in any world, past, present, future or imagined.

There was no recognition in the young woman's face as she introduced herself.

"I'm Kathryn Janeway, senior cadet," said the young woman, smiling, "I'll be your cadet liaison. I hope we work well together."

Gretchen shook her hand mindlessly, not sure how to feel. She had never heard of a vision quest with this level of detail. And did he mention it taking time to get used to?

Is this really the past? Or a recreation of it somehow?

A vision of my mother's Earth?

"Well, give her the tour, Katie," said Admiral Patterson, "Actually scratch that," he said, glancing at Gretchen, "Why don't you take her to get something to eat? I think it's been a long trip."

"Yes sir," said Cadet Janeway, and the young woman began to walk off.

Gretchen followed, in a haze.

As she walked, the memory of the cave began to fade, and the Academy seemed even more real. It left Gretchen stuck between frustration and fondness, between utter amazement and annoyance, as a young Kathryn Janeway continued to guide her to what she called the cafeteria.

Will I ever escape my mother's shadow? Even here, in my mind?

"What should I call you?" asked Gretchen stiffly, as they walked through the campus.

"Ah," said Cadet Janeway, as if in embarrassment, "I prefer Kathryn. Admiral Patterson has known my family a long time, and he insists on Katie. But I began going by Kathryn when I started at the Academy."

The young woman smiled at her, as if to soften what she had said.

"Not Cadet Janeway?" clarified Gretchen evenly.

"Oh, we don't use the cadet title outside of formal maneuvers," said Kathryn reassuringly, "Of course you have to call the professors by their titles," she corrected herself suddenly.

"And they'll call you cadet…..under most circumstances," young Kathryn continued, obviously embarrassed by her old family friend, "But don't worry, they've all been told to go easy on your procedures for the first month. We understand you're new to this."

First month? She thought in shock.

"Am I new to this?" asked Gretchen out loud, before she could stop herself.

"Well," said Kathryn, as if again, embarrassed, "New to the Academy. We know you have some familiarity with Starfleet."

What do they know? Should I ask?

"I'll read the handbook again," said Gretchen non-committally. She did not know what to feel.

They had reached a huge, dome shaped building that seemed to be formed by hexagon panels of blue glass placed on top of each other.

Young Kathryn Janeway declared it their destination, and pushed opened two double doors to reveal a dramatic entryway.

Kathryn took her through her chosen line of food, and they sat down.

Gretchen had never seen so many meal choices, or such a busy place in her life.

It did not feel like a dream. Or a simulation.

The bread felt chewy in her mouth. The tea and soup were hot.

Where am I? She thought again in confusion. Every second she was there her mind and body grew more attuned to the place. But it was very, very odd.

This is far more than I bargained for.


A mystifying four hours later the campus tour was complete. Gretchen was led to her Quarters, and Kathryn showed her around the small space. Her room was private, about the same size but laid out differently than her room on Voyager.

There was a tiny entryway which on one side led to a short hallway with storage and a bed built into the wall. That opened up into a kitchen and study area. Gretchen was immediately struck by the floor to ceiling window. It was night outside now, and very cloudy.

"That's about it," said Kathryn, smiling still, "Placement tests tomorrow. Do you need anything for tonight?"

"No," said Gretchen, looking out the window, still numb.

Kathryn smiled and waved as she left.

Gretchen blinked in the silence of the room when she was gone. It felt strange, and very lonely.

She paced in the small quarters, before finally attempting to get comfortable on the small bed. Finally she changed into the dark pajamas she had been provided with, laid down on the bed and closed her eyes, prepared for a long night.


Gretchen was surprised that she was able to sleep, and even more surprised to find that when she woke she was still at the Academy. On Earth. An Earth from 20 years ago.

She tried to think for a long moment, to see if she could focus on helping Voyager. If this was somehow the past, she should be able to change things.

But even as she had the thought, it slipped out of her mind. She could not focus on it, no matter how hard she tried.

No.

Came a voice in her head suddenly. It shook her entire body, and seemed to come from all directions.

Is this the past? I can't change anything?

This is the truth you asked for, came the voice in her head, and it shook her again, almost hurting.

You can't change anything.

Only for you.

It did hurt as the last sentence was spoken, and Gretchen's body hummed unpleasantly for several solid minutes afterwards.

It was an eerie, uncanny feeling she was in no hurry to repeat.

Obviously I'm not supposed to be speaking to the voice, but experiencing this, whatever it is.

This is a very strange vision quest. I've never heard of one like it.

Gretchen felt the rough carpet under her feet as she exited the bed. She entered the kitchen, and light streamed in from the huge window.

The sky was no longer dark, and now not only blue, but pink and yellow and white.

Is this a sunrise? She wondered.

She had heard of them, but had never seen one.

Gretchen paused and stared for many long minutes, blinking in surprise and wonder.