I closed my eyes and pressed my palm against the memorial stone, savoring the feeling of cool granite under my fingers and cool wind on my face.
Hello, everyone. Not much to report since the last time I was here. I read a new book all about the history of locksport in Konoha. Not my usual sort of fare, but Iruka got it for me and you know. Can't be rude.
I turned my face towards the sky, wincing at the bright light that seeped out from behind the long, flat clouds.
I do have a specific reason to visit today. I have to tell you, Mrs. Aburame, your husband and I have become quite close since last time I was here. I just thought you should know someone was looking out for him and Shino.
I felt an energy building up inside of me suddenly. An electrifying pulse shot out from the stone, overloading my chakra network from the tips of my fingers all the way to my heart. It was an uncontrollably bright, bubbly, elated feeling of either peace or joy or…love?
Is that your way of telling me that you approve?
A yellow butterfly flew in a lopsided circle around my head and landed on my nose. It looked into my eye curiously, then started running its long antenna through its little 'hands' to clean them. I reached up and let it walk onto my finger, then held it out in front of me. The wind returned, and it stretched its fragile wings before flying off.
Thank you, Mrs. Aburame. That means a lot. I'm not sure how he feels about me yet, but I know how I feel about him. Regardless of what becomes of those feelings, I promise I'll keep them both safe for you, don't you worry.
I smiled, the feeling of peace still radiating through me.
I don't actually have much time to stay today, but 'll be back with more to talk about next time. See you all soon.
I pulled my hand back and tucked it into my pocket, pausing to take one last look up into the hazy sky before turning to head home. The clouds drifted along slowly, as indistinct and gray as smoke. Shikaku's words from his last visit popped into my mind.
"I've actually been meaning to talk to you about that. You know about who he is, and what responsibilities he holds. It's not that I don't approve, but I worry that-"
What was he going to say before Shibi arrived? What is he worried about?
I remained buried in my own mind as I walked home, barely bothering to pay attention to which path I took. I focused on the real world just enough to notice and avoid any approaching chakra signatures, but no more.
I can guess. It's just like when we were dating. Well, 'entangled' might be a more accurate word. I did want to be with him, and he said that he loved me, but…no one ever knew.
It's like he always told me whenever I asked about making our relationship more public, "The greater parts of our lives must be shrouded in secret. That's what it means to be a shinobi. You put your own wishes second so that you can put the good of others first. In our case, that means keeping this quiet."
If other clan heads knew he was gay, the whole clan would seem weaker. The Nara name would be destroyed. And if they knew he was with me, the son of 'Konoha's White Fang', the son of someone still seen as a traitor who couldn't complete his missions…He might not retain his position at all. I knew that. I could bear the burden of secrecy for the ones that I love. Even if it meant he never stayed the whole night, even if it meant meeting at strange and inconsistent hours in even stranger places.
I kicked a rock out of my path. It rolled a few times before settling in the grass, looking like it had been there the whole time. Like it belonged there in the mud.
We broke it off for good just a few days before he got married to his wife. I never told her he was with me for years before her, or that we continued meeting during their sham of a courtship, but I think she might know. He even…
I gulped, knowing that now that the memory was triggered I wouldn't be able to cut it off until it finished playing out.
The night Shikimaru was conceived, I believe it was during their honeymoon, he came to me. He told me that he had just been with her and that he couldn't stand it. He asked for "one last time, to ease our ending". And I gave it to him. I said 'yes'. I invited him up to my room and took him over and over again on every surface, in every position, until he broke down and begged me to be his secret again. I almost said 'yes' to that too. Sometimes I still wish that I had. But he left that night, and he hasn't asked again since. Sure his eyes still follow me hungrily every time we're in the same room, dragging me back into a time I can't escape. And sure I've slept alone since then. And sure! Sometimes I sit on the floor of my shower and scrub at my skin until it's red and raw and I still feel disgusted with myself for running around with a married man, but I don't regret it.
Can I stand that for Shibi now, too? Can I be another secret, hidden in the dark so that the Aburame clan's leader may keep his pubic face clear of any blemish? And there's his son to think about, and his future.
I nearly tripped over a bundle that sat on the ground in front of my front door. I picked up the brown paper bag and peered into it. Within it was a neatly folded pair of my own pants and a note that read "Thank you for letting me borrow these after my last visit. I have washed them."
Shibi.
The scent of his laundry detergent drifted up to me from the bag, and I smiled.
If it's what he needs, I'll be his secret now too. I can take it.
