Padme Amidala was not having a particularly good day.
It was the latest bad day in a bad week, and nothing in the future was looking particularly promising. Ever since she'd seen the Holonews reel about Anakin's apparent treachery, nothing had gone right. She'd been lucky that first afternoon - all but one of the meetings she'd canceled had been joint efforts between her, Bail, and Mon, and the two of them had been able to cover for her absence. Afterwards, she'd realized that a number of her senatorial tasks had been subtly shifted to the two of them, and she was grateful to them for both realizing that she'd been unable to complete her work as usual, and not bringing it up.
The Senate had spiraled into utter madness upon seeing the footage. She'd disappeared for the afternoon after the footage had been released, only to return to hundreds of messages from senators, aides, Naboolian homeworld politicians, reporters, and who knew how many others. Her marriage to Anakin may have been a secret, but they'd been publicly linked for years since he had helped save her planet from the Trade Federation, and the missions that they'd worked on together since were also a matter of public record. And right now, everyone even remotely linked to Anakin on the public record was being scrutinized. The attention made her more nervous than she wanted to admit. If their marriage was uncovered now….it would be the biggest scandal the galaxy had seen in years. A Jedi had never been romantically linked with a senator before, let alone one of the most famous Jedi in the Order, let alone right after said Jedi had been caught on video turning traitor and murdering civilians in cold blood… It would end her political career. It would destroy Naboo's reputation in the Senate, and it would probably also blow back on Bail, Mon, and everyone else in their political camp. It could not be uncovered now. So she made sure she played her character well. The single afternoon was the only time she'd allowed herself to be a grieving wife; after that, she was just a senator, concerned and confused along with her fellow politicians. If she cried herself to sleep at night and woke up screaming from nightmares about Anakin's empty eyes…well, with a war going on, who really slept well these days anyway? And besides, her handmaidens were accomplished makeup artists who could easily disappear the dark circles from under her eyes.
She'd thought today's Senate session would be as abrasive and indecisive as all the rest, but she'd underestimated Palpatine's determination to make a statement on the matter quickly.
"Before I call this session to order, I'd like to announce that we have come to an agreement with the Jedi Council regarding the traitor Anakin Skywalker," Palpatine said, Mace Windu standing beside him. Padme took the wave of emotion that rose within her and shoved it deep within herself, until she almost felt like she was watching the scenario unfold from outside her body. Detached, left with nothing but cold political calculation, she listened as Palpatine continued.
"We will be forming a committee of senators and military personnel who will be coordinating with the Jedi Council's task force to locate Skywalker," he said. Interesting, Padme thought. The committee of senators was only to be expected, and of course most military operations required some level of communication between the Jedi and other GAR ranking officers, but it was unusual - though not unheard of - for military personnel to be official members of Senate committees. More often, they would join committees as unofficial, nonvoting associates, so that the military could be aware of new Senate policies that would potentially affect their campaigns. It told her that Palpatine was striving for a high level of control over the committee - military leaders didn't have homeworlds that they were accountable to in the same way that senators did, which meant that often, the military personnel in Palpatine's pocket were his and his alone.
"This committee will send representatives to all Jedi Council meetings related to the capture of Skywalker, and will brief this body on their progress." Palpatine continued, ignoring the murmur that went through the room at his words. Padme herself could hardly keep from gasping. While the Jedi Council often met with outsiders, their Council meetings were notoriously private; there had never been non-Jedi mandated to attend them before. She wondered what the hell the Chancellor's real demands to the Order must have been, that this was the compromise - the demands he had been making publicly were nothing near what would have been required to prompt this kind of concession from the Jedi Order.
"In all other areas, the Jedi Order will continue to operate under its own jurisdiction, as it always has." Mace Windu added, his tone even. In other words, Padme thought, the Order had lost this battle, but they were hardly politically defeated. "The Jedi Order wants nothing more than to work together with the Senate to ensure that justice is served in this matter. Accordingly, we have also agreed to expel Anakin Skywalker from the Jedi Order for his treachery; if he is captured alive, he will be turned over to the Senate for a military trial." Some small part of Padme twinged at the words 'if he is captured alive,' but she ignored it. The expulsion from the Order made sense politically; the Jedi would want to put as much distance between themselves and Anakin as possible, since they believed he could not be saved.
"We have worked with the Chancellor's office to generate a list of committee members, should they be willing to accept the role." Mace Windu continued. He began to read the list as Padme listened with detached interest. She suspected Palpatine would staff the committee with a few of his own sycophants, a variety of neutral senators who could be easily persuaded by them, and at least one or two members of opposing parties to maintain an illusion of balance. The sycophants were read early on, and were easy to spot; Padme had to prevent herself from wincing when Admiral Wilhuff Tarkin's name was read. The real question was who the opposing voices would be; there were few enough Senators these days who were known for working with the Jedi and supporting their desire for independence. Bail was an obvious choice, but given that Alderaan was an influential planet, he might provide more opposition than Palpatine was willing to risk. What he really needed was a senator with ties to the Jedi who also had political ties to him, perhaps a senator from a planet who'd benefited from one of his recent policies...or, she realized with a growing sense of horror, a senator from his own planet. No, she thought, surely he'll pick Bail, or Mon, or-
"The last member of the committee," Palpatine said, ignorant of her internal monologue, "will be Senator Padme Amidala of Naboo." Padme fought to keep her face stony as a rock formed in the pit of her stomach, and her carefully constructed emotional boundaries began to crash in on each other.
Somehow, she made it through the entire three hour Senate session. Somehow she was able to type out a message to the Chancellor's office saying she was honored to be on the committee and she was incredibly grateful for the opportunity. Somehow she waded through the minefield of senators who wanted to speak with her after the session, to discuss her plans for how she was going to proceed as a member of the new committee. Somehow she made it back to her Senate office, where she dismissed her handmaidens, asking them to remain in the office antechambers so she could focus on work undisturbed. Once the soundproof doors slid shut, she teetered on an edge. Now that she was alone, there was the temptation to give into despair - to collapse, to sob, to succumb to all of the emotions that were threatening to drown her. But she knew that once let herself fall apart, there was no guarantee that she could put herself back together, and she couldn't afford that - not yet. Breathing deeply, using the meditative breathing techniques Anakin had taught her years before, she built her emotional armor back up, piece by piece. She wasn't sure how long she'd stayed there, staring into space at her desk, but by the time she'd finished, she no longer felt like she was drowning.
Letting out her breath slowly, Padme picked up her comlink. She had a call to make.
"Mace, I just received the most interesting report from a senator about a decision supposedly made by the Jedi Council." Obi-Wan's tone was calm, but Mace guessed that if he'd been able to see the man's eyes, they would be anything but.
"You're on medical leave, Kenobi, the Council is entitled to make decisions without you-"
"So the Council is entitled to make a decision to expel my former padawan without telling me-"
"We didn't have a choice, Obi-Wan! You have no idea what he was initially demanding, we had to give him something."
"I've heard that before, Mace." Obi-Wan's tone was beginning to sound strained. "Why wasn't I there for the vote?"
Mace sighed. "Do you really think it would have been easier for you if you had been? You wouldn't have changed anyone's mind. And…" he trailed off, and Obi-Wan could sense his friend weighing his words.
"Mace, just tell me, what aren't you saying?" he asked. Mace hesitated, but continued.
"Obi-Wan, I know what Anakin meant to you. Every member of the Council knows what it's like to raise a padawan, and some have lost padawans and former padawans before. It's one of the most difficult things a Jedi can ever experience. But when we agree to train an apprentice, it is with the full knowledge and acceptance that if they return to the Force before us, we must accept it as the will of the Force and let them go."
"Don't quote the damn Code to me," Obi-Wan began, but Mace interrupted him.
"Then don't act like you've forgotten it! Yoda himself has said that it's not possible for anyone to come back to themselves from the influence of Ataraxia. The kindest thing you can do for him is to let him go." Mace hesitated for a fraction of a second before carrying on. "And the Council won't take it lightly if you don't."
"What are you trying to say, Mace?" Obi-Wan's voice grew cold as he began to sense exactly what Mace was trying to say..
"You're risking an accusation of attachment, Obi-Wan. You know what that could mean for any Jedi, especially a member of the Council." Obi-Wan did know. In an Order where attachment was taboo, especially in the middle of a war that demanded focus on the greater good of millions even at the cost of individuals...the word "attachment" being tossed around could cost him his council seat, his command of the 212th, and maybe even his title as a Master.
"I understand," Obi-Wan said, his voice deceptively calm. "Thank you for the warning, Master Windu." It was impossible to tell over a comm, but Obi-Wan suspected that Mace had flinched at the overly formal tone of address.
"Just be careful, Obi-Wan," he said, and ended the call. Clipping his comlink to his belt, he surveyed his room, looking over the stacks of data pads containing information about Ataraxia that surrounded him. Things were about to get a lot more complicated than he'd anticipated.
When Ahsoka walked into the 501st's barracks, she knew instantly that she should have come back sooner. With the news of Anakin's public betrayal and expulsion from the Jedi Order, the atmosphere had completely shifted. A hallway that had once been noisy with taunting shouts and busy with movement was now silent and still; the clones that were around stood in small clusters, talking quietly amongst themselves. When once, clones might have called out to her as she passed, teasing her and asking for her to settle friendly debates, now conversation ceased as she walked past, and stares followed her down the corridor. When she finally saw the person she was looking for, she was relieved beyond words.
"Rex," she said, pulling him aside from the men he was walking with. "Is there somewhere we can talk?"
"I don't understand - are they combining the 501st and the 104th?" Rex asked after Ahsoka had explained their current assignment.
"No, the 501st will still be its own unit under my command, though I'll be advised by Master Plo. They're promoting me to general, even though I'm still a Padawan."
"Can they do that?" Rex asked, looking slightly bewildered.
"I don't think the Council is happy about it, but the Chancellor himself insisted - I don't know why," she added before he could ask.
"You deserve it." Rex said, quickly. "You've saved our lives more times than I can count-"
"But every other Padawan in the Order's done the same for their troops! There's no reason that I should be singled out for promotion," Ahsoka replied.
"The Chancellor always seemed to have a soft spot for General Skywalker, maybe now that he's … gone, he's favoring you instead?" A heavy silence fell between them at Rex's acknowledgement of the topic neither of them had been able to address head on.
"That could be it." Ahsoka said, in an effort to break the silence. Rex stared at her for a moment longer, and then quietly, he asked, "Ahsoka….what happened to the General? I can't believe that-"
"Don't," she said, her throat closing up. Tears welled in her eyes, threatening to spill. This was the moment that she'd been dreading the most since Plo Koon had told her that knowledge of Ataraxia was being classified, and the official story was that Anakin had voluntarily gone over to the Separatists. "I can't…." She couldn't lie to Rex.
"He didn't betray us." She said, her voice nearly a whisper. "I can't tell you more than that and I shouldn't have even said that much, but I swear to you that he didn't choose this."
Rex nodded. "I understand," he said. From his tone, Ahsoka could clearly tell that he didn't, but no one understood that orders were orders better than a clone. She hung her head.
"I don't know how I'm going to face the men," she said, her voice still shaking. "The official story is that Anakin is a traitor. I can't…I can't contradict that story, not publicly. But I can't lie to them either."
"I'll make sure they know." Rex said. "There are ways for clones to circulate news unofficially, and I can make sure the rumors don't leave the 501st." Impulsively, Ahsoka leaned over and hugged him again.
"Thank you," she said, no longer able to stop the tears from spilling onto her cheeks. Her forehead pressed against his shoulder, she wept into his shirt for a long time, no longer able to hold her emotions in check.
When finally her tears began to subside, she drew back, looking up at Rex, embarrassed.
"I'm sorry Rex, I know that was completely inappropriate of me-"
"None of us have been ourselves since we lost General Skywalker," he said, squeezing her arm. "Besides, since when has anyone in the 501st given a damn about what was appropriate?" Ahsoka couldn't help but laugh at that - she was well aware that many of the antics that Anakin openly encouraged among his soldiers would lead to a court martial in most other legions. Even so, she pulled herself back from Rex. She knew that he was her friend, but more so now than ever, he was also her captain, and her subordinate officer. So many lines in her life had blurred and shifted recently that it felt easy to forget, but she knew the chain of command existed for a reason, and she couldn't afford to disregard it if she was going to lead the 501st in battle. No matter how much she needed someone who was just a friend right now, Rex couldn't be that person. She ran the back of her hand across her eyes.
"Thank you, Captain," she said, grateful that her voice was no longer shaking. At the word "Captain," she saw Rex's body stiffen out of the relaxed posture he'd been in to something more closely resembling attention. "Can you gather the men? I'll be back to speak to them in about an hour."
"Of course, Commander," he said. "The mess hall is the best place to fit everyone."
"Then I'll see you all there," she said, and left the room.
"How did the 501st take the news?" Plo Koon asked her later that night as they ate dinner together. Ahsoka knew that normally, Plo ate in his hydrogen-sealed chambers where he didn't have to wear his mask, but he told her he wanted to make a point of them sharing meals as often as they could. Eating through his mask meant that Plo was limited to liquid nutrients and had to consume them through a long, tubelike device that looked cumbersome and uncomfortable, but he'd told her he was completely used to it after a lifetime of living in an oxygen based environment.
"About as well as could be expected," Ahsoka said honestly. "I don't think any of them were happy with the public explanation for what happened to Anakin." Plo nodded slowly.
"No…I imagine they wouldn't be." He said. "Are you doing all right? I know delivering that news couldn't have been easy."
"I'm fine, Master Plo," she said. He looked at her and she sighed. "All right, I'm not really fine, but I managed it. I think that's about all that can be said these days."
"I understand, Soka," he said, and she could tell he did - Plo Koon may not have been an apprentice who lost a master, but he was a Jedi in command of troops during war. She was certain he'd had to deal with countless similar speeches over the past few years.
"Would you like to meditate with me later?" he asked. She looked at him, surprised. She could count on one hand the number of times that Anakin had asked her to meditate with him. Honestly, even the times that she saw him meditating were few and far between. But she supposed this was one of many areas where Plo Koon would be a very different master from Anakin Skywalker.
"Yes, I'd like that, Master Plo," she said. Usually she took Anakin's mindset toward meditating, but right now, the idea of finding some moments of peace and being able to release her emotions to the Force sounded more appealing than most things in her life.
Ahsoka hadn't meditated in the Room of a Thousand Fountains since she'd been a youngling. Now that she thought about it, she wasn't sure she'd even been to the room since she'd become an apprentice. With the war and how much she and Anakin had been in the field, there simply hadn't been a chance.
She led Plo to a small grove of mahron trees - native to the planet Shili - that sat on the bank of a small stream. It was the place in the garden where she always felt most at peace - she felt like it was a connection to the place and the people she came from, even if Shili was a home she'd long since forgotten. She sat with her back to a tree and crossed her legs. She closed her eyes, and tried to focus on the sound of the rushing water. Her mind, however, was restless, filled with thoughts of Anakin, Obi-Wan, Rex, and the rest of the 501st . Fears and worries wormed through her attempted serenity, keeping her separated from the calm she was trying to achieve.
"Breathe in, Soka," she heard Plo say. "Breathe out, and let your thoughts go with the stream." She tried to do it, tried to breathe and open herself to the Force. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Inhale - Anakin is gone. Exhale. Inhale - the 501st was depending on her. Exhale. Inhale, exhale. And briefly, she was able to immerse herself in the Force, and she could sense peace within her grasp…
And then agony shot behind her eyes, jolting her back into her body. She tensed, her body unprepared for the pain in this peaceful environment. The ache faded as fast as it had come, and she let the tension melt away from her body as she'd been trained to. What the hell had that been? She'd never gotten a headache from trying to meditate before. Refusing to acknowledge that anything was wrong, she forced her breathing back into a meditative pattern, and again, she was able to touch the Force for just a moment before pain ripped her away. She tried again, and again, and again, taking care to keep her emotions contained so that Plo wouldn't sense anything amiss. Every time, just as she managed to connect to the Force in a meditative trance, she was cut back off from it by a splitting headache. Finally, Plo touched her shoulder.
"Is everything all right, Ahsoka?" he asked. He would be able to sense her frustration, and tell that she wasn't connecting to the Force, though that was nothing too unusual - especially since the war had begun, many apprentices struggled to properly meditate. She'd never heard of anyone suffering pain when they'd tried to meditate though, and she didn't want to risk being sent back to the Halls of Healing if Plo was worried there was something wrong with her. She was considering her answer when she was saved by the sound of Plo's comm buzzing.
"Plo Koon," he said, answering it in a low voice. Technology wasn't exactly forbidden in the Room of a Thousand Fountains, and no one else was close by them anyway, but no Jedi liked to disrupt the tranquility of the water with the noises of common life. Ahsoka walked a few paces away to give him privacy to speak freely, and plucked a piece of fruit from one of the trees. She bit into it and winced - she'd misjudged how ripe the fruit was, and it was tough and bitter. She gently tossed it aside back into the roots of the trees as Plo walked back over. His expressions were always difficult to read due to his mask, but she thought she could detect a stiffness that was abnormal for him.
"We've been summoned by the Council," he said before she could ask. "We have a mission."
The Council gave them a week to prepare for their new deployment. The request from Felucia had been important, but not urgent - local forces were holding the droids for the moment, but they couldn't hold out forever. One of the leaders of the local militia had worked with Plo Koon decades before, and had asked for him specifically. Usually, the Council didn't allow wartime requests of specific Jedi - too many systems would have simply requested the most well known Jedi if they had - but Ahsoka suspected they had allowed it this time because it was a good mission for her to get used to her new position; all their intelligence pointed to a simple droid attack, lead by Separatist underlings rather than Count Dooku or General Grievous themselves. She was grateful for the time - there were supplies that had to be requisitioned, and dozens of conversations about how strategy and chain of command would work in the field. Technically, as far as the military was concerned, her promotion to General made her and Plo Koon equal in rank; as far as the Jedi were concerned, she was still his subordinate as his padawan learner. It had made some of the strategy conversations slightly more confusing than they should have been, but not dramatically so; Ahsoka has occasionally worked with Plo Koon and 104th before, so she knew his commander well enough, and the men knew her. It would be a new type of battle experience for all of them, but no one was worried. For the first time in the past two weeks, Ahsoka felt like she had everything under control.
So of course, everything went completely to hell the second they were in the field.
"Rex, where the kriff are you? I need backup, now!" She shouted into her wrist communicator as blaster bolts flew over her head, nearly singeing her montrals.
"We're on our way, Comm- er, General. The clankers managed to get behind us, so we're holding them off for as long as we can."
"Just get here as soon as you can, we're down half a squad here-" she cut off the communication as blaster fire began to pelt her troops. She stopped as many bolts as she could with her lightsaber, but she was only one person, and she was beginning to tire. Men were falling around her with every bolt that she missed, and she didn't know what she was going to do if reinforcements didn't show up soon.
The attack wasn't supposed to go this way. Since when did battle droids strategize enough to outflank them? The frontal attack she and Master Plo had planned should have worked easily. Was there something more going on here than intelligence had indicated? There had been confirmed sightings of both Dooku and Grievous just hours ago on other planets, but was there another Separatist leader who was guiding these droids behind the scenes? She could hear Anakin's voice in her ear teasing her about how the 501st had walked into yet another trap this time. If Anakin was here, he would probably be planning some fantastic strategy to turn the battle in their favor right now. Rex's voice brought her back to reality.
"We're right behind you, Commander." In the heat of the moment, he slipped back into the more familiar title, but neither of them noticed. She needed to get her squads out of the way so that Rex's squadrons could cut through the troops behind them without risking friendly fire. She looked around, trying to get a bearing on her surroundings. There were droids both in front of and behind them. To their left was an open plain, and to the right there was a rocky cliff that towered over them. The cliff was a tempting option - the boulders and rock clusters at its base would allow the clones cover, it prevented droids from getting behind them and it provided a vantage point for her - she doubted the clones could climb up it, but there were enough small crevices in the rock that a small Jedi with the assistance of the Force could. It was a risk, because if Rex wasn't able to get through, they would be trapped with no means of escape. But in an instant, she decided it was a risk worth taking.
"Everyone with me, get to the cliff and get behind cover, now!" she cried into general comms. "Rex, do your best not to shoot us while we get there."
"Yes, sir," he replied, the hint of a wry smile in his voice. The lines of men behind her broke, and began running full out towards the cliff's base, dodging and weaving to confuse the droids trying to target them. She stayed on the front lines as long as she could to cover them, but as the droids got closer, she too turned and ran for cover, desperately hoping she hadn't just doomed everyone with her. Looking ahead of her, she could see most of the clones had already reached the cliffs, and were taking cover in small groups behind the cliff's natural rock formations. Those who hadn't been lucky lay on the ground before the cliffs, unmoving. She couldn't think about them right now.
"Hold them off for as long as you can!" She called into the comms as she made it to the cliff wall.
Quickly, she jumped from the ground onto a small rock ledge above her head, and then continued until she was high enough to hopefully be out of blaster range. All she needed was a moment to assess the situation, and think of a way out. She glanced around, suddenly uneasy. She couldn't sense anyone else up here, but something felt off - she reached out towards the feeling, trying to pull more from the Force, but it was elusive, sliding through her outstretched fingers. Until…
"Hello, Padawan." She heard from behind her. Ahsoka froze. She knew that voice. But it couldn't be…
"Master?" She whispered, hoping against her will. The Force screamed a warning in her mind, and she broke out of her stupor and ducked a moment too late as a lightsaber passed through the air at the level her neck had been moments earlier, neatly slicing off the tips of her montrals. She screamed and fell backwards, twisting at the last moment and igniting her right lightsaber so that the blade came between her and her attacker. The movement saved her life as a gray lightsaber crashed down on her.
"Surprised to see me?" Anakin sneered as he bore down on her, pressing his blade against hers until the blades burned inches from her face. Ahsoka kicked up at him and deactivated her lightsaber, rolling away from his blade. While Anakin recovered his balance, Ahsoka stood and ignited both her blades.
"Very good, Padawan." He said, a smile stretching uncomfortably across his lips as they began to circle each other. Anakin looked like a corpse walking - his skin was pale and waxen, highlighting the dark circles under his eyes and the coal black tattoo on his cheek. His hair was long and limp, and hung around his face in greasy clumps. But the worst was his eyes. They were the eyes of something that was long dead.
"Don't call me that," Ahsoka spat. "You don't get to call me that-"
"Would you prefer I call you Snips?" he asked, still with that awful smile on his face.
"Don't you dare," she snarled, and launched herself at him. He blocked her blows lazily with a flick of his lightsaber. Frustrated, she tried to a higher spot on the cliff ledge, but with the injuries to her montrals, her balance was off, and she ended up landing in a heap under the overhang she'd been shooting for.
"You're getting clumsy, Snips," she heard through the haze of pain surrounding her. The Force cried out a warning, and she rolled to the left as a lightsaber nearly took off her arm. Using the momentum from the roll, she pushed herself back onto her feet and ignited her lightsabers defiantly.
"I told you not to call me that," she growled, settling into a defensive stance. She was quickly realizing she was in bad shape for a fight - most of her body was aching and badly bruised from the fall, and her montrals were white hot spots of pain. The blood loss alone from the injuries was going to become a problem soon. But there was no way out - she'd just proved that she couldn't climb the cliff behind her, and Anakin was blocking the exit.
"I'll call you whatever I want to," he said. "After all, you're nothing without me. Just a scared little girl who's failing all her troops." He swung his lightsaber at her without warning, and it was all she could do to block him.
"I never wanted you as an apprentice, you know. I just took you in because I knew no one else would." The casual tone of Anakin's voice was a contrast with the fury with which the fight was progressing. Ahsoka's breath was coming in gasps, but Anakin seemed to be barely winded.
"I don't have to listen to a word you say, Sith," Ahsoka said as she parried stinging blow after stinging blow. "I know you aren't really Anakin."
A thin smile stretched across Anakin's lips as he flicked his lightsaber toward her neck. She brought her own sabers up barely in time, but his blade was already moving away, searching for its next target.
"Are you sure about that, Snips?"
Ahsoka scoffed. "You'll have to try harder than that, Dooku."
"Dooku?" Anakin said. "Yes, I can see why you would believe that. Though really-"
An explosion rocketed in the distance, and Anakin briefly pulled back from the fight, glancing behind him to see a fiery cloud billowing into the air several klicks away. That horrible smile stretched somehow stretched even further across his face.
"Plo Koon's doing, I assume? Or was it your troops? Either way, I suppose that mess will require my immediate attention, which means that it's time to end this charade." He waved his hand, and a wave of the Force sent rocks from the cliff tumbling down on top of Ahsoka. The last thing she saw before everything faded to black was the ghastly smirk contrasting with his dead eyes.
When she woke up, the first thing Ahsoka noticed was the smell of chemicals, which meant she was in the medbay of a ship. She opened her eyes to see Plo Koon dozing in the chair beside her bed.
"Master Plo?" she said, her voice dry and cracked. He startled briefly.
"Ahsoka, you're awake! Let me call the medic over-"
"No, I'm fine, Master Plo, but...what happened?"
"You are most certainly not fine, and the only reason you might feel so at the moment is the incredibly high dosage of pain medication you're currently on." Now that she thought about it, that did explain the fuzziness in her head. "I'll be right back with the healer." Plo Koon continued, and was out the door before Ahsoka could say anything else.
There was a glass of water on the table next to her; with shaking hands, she lifted it and carefully pressed it to her lips. The water helped to clear her thoughts, and everything came rushing back - Felucia, the ambush. And Anakin. She suspected that the medication was the only thing keeping her from panicking at the memory. She'd fought Anakin. He'd tried to kill her. And he'd said all those horrible things, and it wasn't Anakin, but it was, and...and...she realized that she'd been talking aloud and that Master Plo had returned when he rested a hand on her shoulder and a wave of calm flowed through her. She felt dampness trickle down her cheeks, and realized that she was crying.
If Anakin had been there, he would have sat there awkwardly and patted her on the back. He would have told her that everything was going to be okay, and probably tried to make some awful joke to cheer her up because he was terrible at dealing with crying. Instead, Master Plo sat with his hand on her shoulder, projecting calmness and stability until her tears subsided.
"Thank you, Master," she said when she'd calmed down. "I'm sorry, I know I should be able to hold myself together better than this-"
"Soka, you are holding yourself together far better than many adult Jedi in your shoes would be able to, and by far better than we have any right to expect of you. Tears are nothing to be ashamed of." Plo said. Ahsoka didn't have the energy to respond to that, so she just nodded.
"We're on our way back to Coruscant now," he continued. "Scratch is going to change your bandages now that you're awake, but we're going to keep you on the pain medication until we get back to Coruscant and can get you in a bacta tank." With a start, Ahsoka realized that the 104th's medic was also in the room, and had presumably been witness to her whole breakdown. Embarrassed, she nodded her assent, and the clone moved forward to begin switching her blood-soaked bandages for clean ones. Once he was done, he set a dish with two pilld and a bottle of water next to her bed.
"These will help you sleep," he said. "The painkillers will wear off soon, and trust me, you don't want to be awake when they do. You can take them whenever you're ready."
"Thank you, Scratch," she said, "I'll take it in a few minutes." Scratch nodded, taking the hint, and left the room.
"What were the casualties for the attack?" she asked Plo. Scratch's presence had reminded her that she was not the only one who'd be affected by Anakin's being on the field.
"We can discuss that later, Soka, you're in no state to-" Plo Koon began, but Ahsoka cut him off.
"Please, Master Plo, I need to know." Those were her men now, and they were her responsibility. It was on her to know how many of them had been lost under her command.
"193 dead, an additional 20 wounded." Plo said, sounding tired. "Skywalker was efficient in dispatching our defenses." The number hit her like a physical blow. 193 dead - that was one of the highest casualty numbers they'd seen for a single battle since the Battle of Geonosis. She sat stunned for a moment, unable to comprehend or respond. "Captain Rex?" She asked.
"The Captain sustained minor injuries, but nothing serious. He'll be back in the field in no time," Plo said.
Ahsoka sighed in relief - at least Rex had made it out okay. Guilt swamped her a moment later - how could she feel relief when nearly two hundred troopers were dead? Without a word, she picked up the two pills and took a sip from the glass of water to wash them down with. Blackness closed in around her, and it was a relief to surrender to it.
Obi-Wan was reading when his comm buzzed.
Most of his time these days was spent reading. Wake up, read. Perform his daily grooming tasks, read. Hobble into the dining hall with his brace and crutch for a tray of food, take it back to his chambers, read more. For a change he might consult with one of the Jedi holocrons he'd checked out; gathering information from a conscious interface who was eager to help was notably easier and faster than having to manually search files for useful information. Inevitably, however, the holocrons always had to eventually be set aside for more text files. It would have been less wearying if he'd learned anything useful, but so far he hadn't. The archives were vast, and contained hundreds of files on nearly every topic imaginable; Ataraxia was no exception. The majority of the information he'd found so far were historical accounts of Ataraxia being used on Jedi, all of which confirmed what the Council currently believed - once someone fell victim to Ataraxia, they were a slave to the controlling Dark Sider until they died. And it could take a very, very long time for them to die - the body, under Ataraxia, was capable of undergoing and surviving much more extreme conditions than the beings typically could under their own power.
Shaking his discouraged thoughts aside, Obi-Wan answered his comm. "This is Kenobi," he said, unsure of who would be comming him. The Council had placed him on administrative leave as well as on leave from active duty, nominally also due to his injuries, but in reality to give him time to properly deal with his attachment to what they saw as the walking corpse of his former padawan. With no Council meetings, no active duties, and Cody currently in charge of all of the 212th's paperwork, there were very few reasons for anyone to need him.
"This is Plo Koon," said the voice from the comm. Obi-Wan stiffened in alarm - he could think of very few reasons Plo would be contacting him.
"Is Ahsoka-" he began before pausing, not able to finish the sentence.
"She's hurt, but physically she'll be all right with time," Plo said. His use of the word 'physically' didn't escape Obi-Wan's notice, and he waited for the Kel Dor to continue. "We were attacked by Skywalker." Plo finally said, pausing as if to gauge Obi-Wan's response. Obi-Wan felt as though all the breath had left his body in an instant.
"What happened?" Obi-Wan asked, not trusting himself to say anything else.
"Skywalker led a battalion of droids around our backs, and cornered Ahsoka. He dueled her and then buried her under half a cliff. If I hadn't been close by to get her out….he's dangerous, Obi-Wan." Obi-Wan felt sick.
"Thank you for being there, Plo," he said, fighting to keep his voice calm.
"Most of the 104th and the 501st are still at the encampment on Felucia - I had to leave them to get Ahsoka back to the Temple. I would like to be there while she recovers, but…" his voice trailed off, and Obi-Wan could hear the pain in his voice at the impossible situation he was caught in. As a Master - especially as a new Master, to a Padawan who had been through as much as Ahsoka had recently - it was his duty to be there for her. But as a general, it was his duty to be there for the hundreds of men whose lives depended on his leadership. It was an impossible situation, and in that moment he felt deeply for the Jedi Master.
"I can keep an eye on her - I still have at least two weeks left of medical leave, and I won't be assigned any duties until after that." Obi-Wan suspected that he would be forced to stay on administrative duties for an additional few weeks after his medical leave was officially up - just because he wouldn't need a brace to walk didn't mean his leg would be fully recovered - but didn't want to promise anything he couldn't guarantee.
"Thank you," Plo said, gratitude spilling through the short phrase. The Kel Dor had never been talkative or outwardly emotive, but Obi-Wan knew him well enough to tell that the favor meant a lot to him. They had always been friendly if not friends, and if Obi-Wan had been uncertain about how to feel about the other Jedi Master since being asked to surrender Ahsoka to him, that uncertainty dissolved now. A few small administrative details followed - due to Plo Koon's need for quarters with a hydrogen atmosphere instead of an oxygen one, Ahsoka had stayed in the quarters she'd shared with Anakin, so there was plenty of room for Obi-Wan to stay with her for a few days at least while she recovered from the worst of her injuries. Promising to get everything set up before Plo and Ahsoka docked, Obi-Wan ended the call.
Obi-Wan reached for a datapad, ready to begin boxing up his research materials to relocate them for a few days, and then stopped. He couldn't get the mental image of Ahoska buried in rubble out of his head. This can't go on, he thought. He had dozens more files to go through, but deep down he knew none of them would have the information he needed, and he couldn't afford to wait any longer. When Ahsoka got back, he needed to be able to give her some hope that they could fix things.
Steeling himself, Obi-Wan closed his eyes, exhaled deeply, and picked up the Sith holocron. It was time to find some answers.
