Overdrive Chapter 13: Golden Ratio

"Whoa!" JoJo cried as he narrowly dodged a ripper beam, the high-pressure essence punching a tiny hole clear through six cars. "This shit again?! Straitzo, man, come on! Don't tell me you're still butthurt about that whole 'killing you' thing!"

"It's Heavy Fuel now, brat. Also, I seem to recall killing myself," said Heavy Fuel, chuckling sourly as his eyes glowed, preparing another blast. "And what do you think?"

"I think you need to work on your aim," said JoJo, smiling as he softly exhaled. "And learn some new moves!"

Heavy Fuel fired a pair of hypersonic jets of demonic essence at the arrogant newborn demon. JoJo clapped his hand to the car behind him, Hamon crackling through the metal.

Heavy Fuel's eyes went wide. "What?!"

The driver's side door swung open, shoving him to the side at the last instant while angling a Hamon-infused mirror at the vampiric demon. The ripper-beams bounced about in the shell of the side-mirror, sending shards and ribbons of deadly essence spraying out, peppering the parking lot like shrapnel. Heavy Fuel flinched and hissed as a small gouge was ripped from his pale gray cheek, black blood dripping down his cheek.

"Shiiiit!" Bhavana cried, diving to the pavement as the rippers tore gouges out of metal and glass. "DOES EVERYONE YOU KNOW WANT TO KILL YOU?!"

"Not everyone!" JoJo said, turning to Kashmir, who was peeking out from cover. "Right?"

"Eh." Kashmir shrugged, rubbing soap on his hands and feathered forearms as he took cover behind a jeep. "It comes and goes."

"Well played, JoJo," said Heavy Fuel, touching his cheek and examining the blood on his fingers. "Can't believe I fell for the same trick. But how, I ask? How are you still able to use Hamon?"

"Oh, y'know," said JoJo exhaling, Hamon crackling between his fingers. "Guess you could say I'm built different."

"It matters not," said Heavy Fuel, running his thumb along the cut, causing it to vanish. "You are no match for me, JoJo. I've been here for over eighty years, honing my craft, my abilities, my mastery of–"

"Enough talk!" Kashmir bellowed, leaping into the air and spreading his wings. "DIE, TRAITOR!"

He flapped his wings, gaining altitude in a shining cloud of shining, transparent discs. The bubble-cutters buzzed and whirred as they sped towards the vampiric demon from dozens of different vectors. Heavy Fuel scoffed and blink-fired his ripper-eyes, the beams of essence bouncing from the disc-shaped bubbles in a crackle of Hamon.

"Another one?!" Heavy Fuel gasped, leaping backwards as the deadly cutters scored the ground he'd been standing on. "Impossible!"

The demon bobbed and ducked as the cutters whizzed about him, weaving around another volley as he fired his eyebeams up at the avian demon soaring overhead, only for them to be deflected or shattered by bubble-lenses, peppering the parking lot with beam-segments and shrapnel. Heavy Fuel weaved out of the way of a barrage of cutters only to have the car door next to him swing open with the power of a piston hammer, crackling with Hamon. The demon snarled as he was sent hurtling through the air, looking back to see a thorny purple vine weaving into the offending vehicle, leading along the ground to a grinning JoJo.

"Learned some new tricks, have you, JoJo?!" Heavy Fuel bellowed as he flew through the air.

"A thing or two, yeah!" JoJo said, assuming a fighting posture, purple tendrils extending from his body, flaring with the deadly energy. "You should try it!"

Heavy Fuel rolled in midair, slamming his heels into pavement and launching himself into the air.

"Ha!" JoJo cheered, pointing up at him. "Fooled~! You~!"

"What?" Heavy Fuel looked up to see Kashmir gliding overhead. "Curses!"

Kashmir flapped his wings, sending a veritable hailstorm of Hamon-infused bubble cutters at the demon. Heavy Fuel watched as the barrage screamed towards him, unable to alter his trajectory in time to avoid it.

He sighed and smirked. "Enough playing about."

The demon went… blurry, as though out of focus, before vanishing into a murky cloud. The bubble cutters streaked through the noxious cloud, smashing into a parked car and tearing it to ribbons.

"Where'd he go?" Kashmir growled before noticing a shadow falling upon him. "What?"

Heavy Fuel hovered in the air above him, his eyes glowing red before flashing with green, glowing energy. He roared as from his eyes issued ripper beams, his compressed demonic essence igniting into glowing green beams of hellfire. Kashmir yelped and threw up a bubble shield, the Hamon buzzing and spitting for a moment before the hellfire smashed through. The instant it had bought him was just enough for him to bob and weave out of the way, pulling into a dive towards the ground and swooping into a roll, skidding to a stop on his feet next to JoJo and a cowering Bhavana.

"I'll admit JoJo and…" Heavy Fuel said as he set down on a street lamp with an eerie floating grace. "…other one?"

"Kashmir."

"Kashmir, thank you." He nodded at him, smiling. "I'll admit, I underestimated you because of your freshness. However, you now have my full attention. I shall make amends to you for my prior disrespect by tearing you both to pieces."

"Ever hear of a fruit basket?" JoJo grumbled before muttering out the side of his mouth. "Kashmir! You okay?"

"Just a little winded." Kashmir panted, clenching his fists. "Damn this unholy body! Back in Heaven I could whip up Hamon that would make everything I did as a human look like a static shock! It feels like I'm working on half a lung!"

JoJo didn't doubt it, Kashmir had, despite his current demonic disability, displayed Hamon mastery beyond that of any mortal master. For him to be forced to hold himself back lest his body decompose, it must have been like wearing a lead suit. "We'll make it work, bud. After we puddle Heavy Fuel, maybe you could teach me a thing or two?"

Kashmir glanced at him, smirking. "I'm no miracle worker."

"Dick," said JoJo, before nodding up at Heavy Fuel. "Looks like advanced vampire abilities buffed with demon juice. Still, the old man's as evasive as ever. He'll be reluctant to close distance and fight."

"He still has a range advantage on us," said Kashmir. "Do you have a plan?"

"Me? A plan?" JoJo turned to him, smiling. "Surely you jest."

"Don't call me Shirley."

"Are we gonna die?" Bhavana said from beneath the car she was hiding under.

"Been there, done that, didn't care for it the first time," said JoJo, pointing imperiously up at Heavy Fuel. "Alright, so you've managed to debase yourself further somehow, Straitzo! Daisy-chaining demonic essence to vampiric abilities? I'll admit, I'm impressed. But you don't think your old friend JoJo has been sitting on his hands all these years, do you?"

"JoJo, please," Heavy Fuel sneered, leaping from the street lamp and setting down a few meters away from them. "You're not just going to run away again, are you?"

"I…" JoJo paused, paling somewhat. "…Nnnooo?"

Kashmir sighed, clapping his hand to his face. "The Joestar Family Technique…"

"That was your plan?" Bhavana said, incredulously. "Run away like a scared lamb?!"

"While thinking of what to do next, yes," said JoJo. "Nothing greases up the think-pan like a spot of cardio!"

"JoJo, if you try to flee, I'll slice off your legs," said Heavy Fuel, his eyes glowing with green energy. "Best you stand before me and fight like a man before I gut you like a sheep!"

"Well, gee, when you put it like that…" JoJo jumped as though startled, gasping and pointing. "Whoa, shit! Is that HOLY DIVER?!"

Heavy Fuel's eyes went wide, a look of utter shock and terror on his face as he spun about. "My Lord?! What are you–?!"

There was no one there.

Heavy Fuel's fear and awe bled away, replaced with a tired, bashful scowl. He turned around to see the three gone. "I really do hate that man."


"I can't believe that actually worked!" Bhavana panted as she ran alongside them.

"Never underestimate the power of a perfectly timed name-drop!" JoJo cackled.

"Who is Holy Diver, anyway?" Kashmir asked, glancing over his shoulder.

"Dunno!" JoJo replied. "Former big shot around here, I heard. Figured he'd turn a head or two. Call it a gut instinct."

A demonic screech echoed behind them, a figure shooting into the air, spreading his leathern wings and giving chase.

"Unless you want to see your guts up close, you'd better let us in on whatever you're planning!" Bhavana cried, pointing at the rapidly approaching demon. "Here he comes!"

"I'm gonna level with you Bhavana," said JoJo, smiling madly. "I'm usually just making shit up as I go!"

"What?!" Bhavana cried, yelping as a ripper beam sliced a small tuft from her woolen hair. "Shit!"

"Is it bad that I've missed this?" Kashmir said, fondly, turning to JoJo. "Scatter?"

JoJo nodded, turning to Bhavana. "It's me he's after. Count of three, we split up and run like Hell!"

"Gotcha!" She said, nodding in return. "So who's count–"

"THREE!"

JoJo and Kashmir broke off in different directions, leaving her on her path. "Oh, you FUCKERS!"

With a screech, Heavy Fuel swooped down, the vampiric demon's feet contorting and elongating to form grasping talons, plucking the fleeing sheep demon from the street and hauling her into the air. Bhavana screamed and struggled, the parking lot falling away as she ascended. She looked around for any sign of her companions, seeing none.

"JOJO!" Heavy Fuel roared. "SHOW YOURSELF!"

Belatedly, a voice called up. From where, she couldn't tell. "Nope!"

"I'll kill her, JoJo!" Heavy Fuel growled, pulling her thin, frail arms outward. "I'll pull her apart and suck her dry! You know I will!"

"No, you won't!"

"Oh, yes I will!"

"No." A voice came from behind them. "You won't."

Rising up from behind them was Kashmir, his eyes blazing with fury. With a raptor's screech, he launched one cutter-barrage after another. Heavy Fuel scoffed, his handsome, humanoid face elongated grotesquely as his mouth opened impossibly wide. With a hissing exhale, a jet of shimmering, rippling gas surged from his gullet, the air so cold it had coagulated into an almost fluidic mass. The bubbles flash-froze in an instant, Kashmir just barely ducking out of the way, the flight feathers of his right arm frosting over and shattering like ice, causing him to tumble through the air, his flightpath a clipped, barely controlled spiral. He rolled onto his back and slammed into the roof of a car, crumpling the frame.

"Fools!" Heavy Fuel spat. "You fight like humans! As though your frail bodies dictate how you engage! We are beings of ichor and aether animated by the energies of Hell itself! The body, the vessel, is but clay in the hands of the master! You may be able to use Hamon, but you're limited in your tactics!"

"I may be a lot of things, Straitzo. An adulterer, a crappy father, a lying cheat and a second-rate martial artist," JoJo said from somewhere among the innumerable cars. "But I count among them 'tactician'!"

"And coward!" Heavy Fuel snarled and looked about, his pointed ears enlarging to lenticular bat-ears. "Where are you?!"

"Here's a hint!"

A thudding explosion shook the air as a truck below lurched upwards on a pillar of flame, its fuel tank having exploded, the energy somehow focused on the frame. The flaming hulk arced towards them in a slow, languid arc. Heavy Fuel bobbed out of the way, Bhavana squealing and pulling her feet up, just barely missing the greenish flames.

"Too low!" JoJo called out.

Another explosion and another vehicle, this time a tiny two-seater convertible, streaked upwards at them. Heavy Fuel flapped his wings, narrowly avoiding the streaking wreck. "Ha! You missed!"

"Too high!"

Directly below them a medium car, a four-seater Sedan, detonated. It tumbled through the air on its short axis, spinning up through the air in a long arc. The Sedan arced up and over them, the sunroof retracting, revealing a grinning JoJo in the driver's seat. JoJo's eyes, bright, glinting, met Heavy Fuel's as they flared with hellfire.

"Just right."

JoJo's hand shot out, [Hermit Purple]'s vines extending from his palm and fingers. Heavy Fuel roared and blasted hellfire. The vines bunched into a domed shield, the hellfire impacting them and splashing away, the shimmering spiritual coils unaffected by the heat and physical force. [Hermit Purple] wrapped around the demonic chiropteran humanoid and, with an exhale, unleashed a massive surge of Hamon. Heavy Fuel screamed as the energy wracked his body, releasing his grasp on the terrified sheep-demon. Bhavana screamed as she began to plummet to the ground below, only to have a vine wrap around her ankle and, in tandem with the spinning of the Sedan, flung about through the air in a wide arc.

"JOOOOOJOOOOO!" She cried, as much in fear as honest outrage.

The vine holding her wrapped around the tumbling Sedan as it streaked towards the ground. Bhavana screamed as she spun in shorter and shorter rotations before releasing its grip, plopping her in the passenger's seat through the sunroof. She looked over at JoJo, who was smiling back.

"Buckle up."

She looked out at the rapidly approaching ground, gasping and hurriedly clicking herself in.

The Sedan smashed into the ground hard on its tires, its frame and suspension groaning as every window shattered explosively, the airbags deploying with a sharp 'whoosh'. JoJo kicked out the warped, dented door and stepped out, having landed perfectly in a vacant parking lot between two other vehicles. He smirked, nodding appreciatively. "Like a glove~!"

"L-lemme off the ride…" Bhavana groaned, stumbling out of the partially flattened Sedan. "I wan' off."

The Sedan rapidly fell apart, its wheels popping free of their hubs as every sheet and bolt in the frame sprang loose, low, green flames engulfed the engine, belching oily black smoke.

"Just as well," said JoJo, shrugging. "Ride's closed."

"How…?" Bhavana said, pointing up, then to the wreck, herself, spinning her hands about. "How the fuck did you do any of that?!"

"He used his [Hermit Purple] to alternate positive and negative Hamon through the fuel tanks," said Kashmir as he walked towards them, his hand clutched against his right forearm. "One half of the tank was reinforced when he ignited the fuel, directing the explosion upward."

JoJo tapped his nose and clicked his tongue. "That's the spice! From there it was just a little head-math and dead reckoning. Thanks for distracting him long enough for me to find my ammo! You okay?"

Kashmir moved his hand, revealing a bare patch of bald, raw flesh. "Just a little freezer-burned. Ice breath. I guess he really has been honing his craft Down Here."

"Oh, you have no idea."

A huge hand shot out, its long gnarled, taloned fingers extended unnaturally, growing hundreds of extra joints as they extended. The elongated fingers wrapped around them like tentacles, hoisting the three of them off their feet. Standing before them was an immense, batlike creature, Heavy Fuel's unleashed form, his long, bald face a horror of gnashing needle teeth and glowing red eyes, his vantablack hair writhing about like living shadows.

"Caro dio!" Kashmir cried. "What is that thing?!"

"Oh, that's Heavy Fuel," said JoJo, offhandedly. "Demons can do this thing where they transform into bigger, uglier versions of themselves."

"Good of you to let me know!" Kashmir growled. "Anything else about this shithole you haven't been telling me?!"

"Do try to keep up, old chap."

"Could you two stop bickering for five damned seconds?!" Bhavana exclaimed, eyes on the taloned tip rearing up in front of her. "We're kind of in a tight spot here!"

"Please!" JoJo blew a raspberry. "We have him right where we want him! Kashmir?"

Kashmir smirked as they both took deep breaths and exhaled, Hamon keening and crackling as it surged into the demonic bat. The destructive, corrosive energies danced across his body, arcing and hissing before dissipating away, leaving the demon quite unharmed.

"Uh… JoJo?" Kashmir croaked.

"I don't want to alarm anyone, but…" JoJo said, his eyes wide. "We're in a tight spot here."

"Thanks tips!" Bhavana said, turning to Heavy Fuel. "Hey, Mr. Heavy Fuel, sir? I'm not with these guys! They fell out of the sky and forced their way into my house! Please, whatever beef you three have, I'm not part of it!"

"Judas!" Kashmir growled.

"Oh no," JoJo grumbled, sarcastically. "Who could have seen that coming?"

"Indeed, little one," Heavy Fuel rumbled, hooking a talon under her chin, smiling gruesomely. "I am here to retrieve these two do-gooders, nothing more. My master has no interest in a peon like you."

"Phew!" Bhavana sighed, relieved.

Heavy Fuel's grin widened, somehow. "Which makes you mine. Ah, it's been so long since I've had mutton."

"Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah~" JoJo cackled.

"Serve you right, you rat!"

"Silence your chattering!" Heavy Fuel snapped. "I think I'll bring you both back intact. My master would indeed be curious about how you're able to generate Hamon without destroying your bodies. So, in addition to interrogation and execution, you have some rather invasive experiments to look forward to. Experiments that I, no doubt, will oversee. Let that thought see you off into oblivion, JoJo. Sleep now, scream later."

The taloned finger-tentacles inched closer, vile-looking green venom drinking from their tips, inching towards their necks. JoJo's eyes darted about, looking for something, anything, that could help them. [Hermit Purple] buzzed, sampling the energy field, notions and impressions filled his mind. A presence, encroaching but still distant.

"Whoa! Hey! Speaking of curiosity," JoJo exclaimed, moving his head about as though to avoid the venomous limb. "I gotta know. How'd you survive our Hamon? That jolt I gave in the air should have turned you to soup, much less what Kashmir and I dished out!"

"Please," sneered Heavy Fuel. "I mastered Hamon before you were a glint in your grandfather's eye! I know how it works, how it conducts itself into various substances. It was a simple matter of creating voids of demonic essence along my nervous system, the Hamon is drawn to the negative energies like a magnet and exhausts itself purifying them, leaving me unharmed!"

"Sounds tiring," said Kashmir.

"Betcha can't do it too many times!" JoJo said, smirking.

"Fools," said Heavy Fuel, his talons dimpling their necks. "This venom is of my own devising, synthesized within my body. You'll be paralyzed, lungs and all, before you can so much as inhale."

"Huh? No no no no…" JoJo said, shaking his head. "After our scrap in the mall and this little dust-up? Kashmir and I are spent. See, we're only partially immune. If we use it too much, we start to break down!"

"Truly?" Heavy Fuel blinked, cocking his head in interest. "Fascinating. But what could allow for a demon to even be resistant to Hamon?"

JoJo looked about conspiratorially, gesturing for Heavy Fuel to come closer. The bat-demon obliged.

"JoJo!" Kashmir snapped. "Don't tell him!"

JoJo leaned forward and whispered into his ear: "It's a secret."

Heavy Fuel reared back and snarled, his eyes glowing hellfire green.

JoJo grinned. "Your next line will be: 'My master doesn't need you in one piece to–ACK!' right?"

"My master doesn't need you in one piece to–" He paused, perplexed. "Ack? What's 'ack'?"

JoJo tilted his head to the side as an object streaked over his shoulder, impacting Heavy Fuel square in the face with a heavy, crunching 'thwack'. "ACK!"

The object bounced off the demon's bruised, bleeding snout and seemed to hang in the air for a moment, spinning without sign of stopping. It was a sphere, metallic and ornately carved, dotted with several smaller lumps. No. Not lumps. Spheres. Inlaid metal spheres that, somehow, were also spinning as the sphere itself rotated. The little balls shot out with a sonic crack, some punched through and severed Heavy-Fuel's finger tentacles while others peppered the unleashed demon's broad chest with holes. Heavy Fuel snarled and tumbled backwards, clutching his wrist, his hand returning to normal save for the three black-bleeding stumps of his fingers.

"Who dares?!"

The little spheres bounced and caromed all about, each one finding their way back into their inlay, the final clacking against the larger sphere's surface and sending it flying down the street.

JoJo turned to see a tall demon in a trenchcoat standing there, the ball spinning to a stop in his extended palm. He was humanoid, whoever he was, with blond grid-like hair and bizarre checkerboard skin alternating in color between light red and baby blue, like a quilt.

"Good to see you again, Heavy Fuel," said the Quilt Demon, not looking the least bit concerned. "I'd advise you to leave."

"Catwalk." Heavy Fuel growled. "This doesn't concern you."

"I disagree," said Catwalk, gesturing at the trio. "In fact, these fine young demons are of paramount concern. Leave. I won't tell you again."

Heavy Fuel tried to rise to his feet, only for the left side of his body to refuse to respond. "What?!"

"Hemispatial neglect," said Catwalk, plopping a cigarette between his lips. He held up his index finger, a small ball bearing spinning furiously upon the tip. He lit the cigarette with its apparently incredible friction and took a drag, his golden eyes glaring through the smoke. "A side-effect of the Spin. Do not worry, it's temporary. This, however…" He produced another ball, identical to the one before, only this sphere was composed of a shining, mirror-like substance, the light reflecting off it almost painful to behold by the onlookers. "…Won't be."

Heavy Fuel growled and rose to his feet, his left side obviously only barely recovered. "When he hears of this… there's no way he'll let them go. You'll die with them."

Catwalk's eyes narrowed, the holy metal sphere in his hand began to spin. "Cultores sui Deus protegit."

All the demons present flinched as the words, the faith behind them, scraped across their souls. Heavy Fuel snarled and extended his arms, his limbs elongating into wings, before taking to the air in unsteady, lopsided flight. Catwalk watched him for a time, the ball still spinning, until the demon was a speck on the horizon. With that, he stopped the ball and turned back to them, gesturing for them to rise.

"Phew!" JoJo exclaimed, dusting himself off before walking over and extending his hand. "Nice save, we owe you one! Catwalk, was it? Put 'er there!"

Catwalk examined the hand for a moment, reaching out and grabbing his palm, turning it up, and then down to examine his knuckles, his fingers. His hand traced up his forearm, his eyes alight, before reaching up and tracing the curvature of his horns.

"Uh…" JoJo said, perplexed. "Getting kinda handsy here."

"Yes… yes…" Catwalk murmured, the ghost of a smile on his dour, checkered face. "It's all throughout you."

JoJo blinked, confused. "What is?"

Catwalk flicked his wrist, producing a small knife, spinning it on his finger.

"JoJo!" Kashmir cried out, rushing over.

"Pump the brakes, Big Bird!" JoJo said, beckoning his friend to stand down. "Check this out."

Kashmir drew closer, eyes widening as he saw the blade spin, and spin, and spin. It actually seemed to be spinning faster and faster with no outside force acting upon it. The contours of the blade trailed golden ribbons in the air, shining circles crackling with energy.

"What is this?" Kashmir said, wondrously.

"This," said Catwalk. "Is Spin. The manifestation of the Golden Ratio, an element of God's perfection imprinted upon all natural things. You two, your bodies are suffused with it, an impossible element to manifest in the unnatural realms of Hell. I thought I saw it in you before, from a distance, but now my suspicions are confirmed: you two are indeed Agents of Heaven."

JoJo and Kashmir exchanged shocked glances, turning back to the demon. "Who are you?"

Catwalk smirked, eyes glinting. "A friend."


Bhavana sat on the pavement, heart thundering in her chest. What had just happened? She looked down at the dismembered multi-jointed finger-tentacle, its taloned tip still oozing venom. It twitched and she squawked, kicking it away. She turned to watch her would-be 'minions' as they spoke in whispered tones with their mysterious savior. The svelte sheep-demon felt a sudden surge of embarrassment at her hubris. How could she have ever thought her of all people could spin those two lunks into her service? Lunks. Ha! Kashmir may have been a dandy and fop, but even fresh-baked he could run circles around long-timer demons! And JoJo… the hulking demon might play at being a bratty himbo, and convincingly, too, but she could now see the fine-toothed gears that spun behind those bright green-blue eyes and goofy facade. The speed and depth with which he could think, analyze, and improvise was nothing short of terrifying! What was she thinking trying to wrangle these two?!

Alastor must have been having a hearty chuckle right about now…

Now her outfit had been ruined by shrapnel, fire damage, and that puddle of something she had to wallow in while hiding from the action. To say nothing of her car! Sliced in half by eyebeams. Try explaining that to the insurance agency! Not to mention the ice cream she'd bought was probably all melty now. All in all, this whole experiment had been a miserable failure. Time to duck out… if she could.

"Uh, guys?" She said, uncertainly. "Could we continue this conversation at my place? I've got meat and dairy back there sitting on the ground."

JoJo and Kashmir glanced at her, their eyes narrowing, frowning deeply.

"Did you hear something, Kashmir?" JoJo said, arms folded across his chest.

Kashmir scoffed and turned up his beak. "Just the cowardly squeaks of a rat, JoJo."

"O~kay guys, now, come on…" She said, getting to her feet. "You gotta get used to that sort of thing Down Here! If you wanna survive, sometimes you gotta, y'know, know when the getting's good. Besides, what was I supposed to do against that bastard? Get stuck in his teeth?"

"Hm…" Kashmir said, tapping his beak in contemplation. "I suppose that's a fair point."

JoJo nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you are pretty useless…"

Catwalk reached up, grabbing them both by the heads and clunking them together.

"OW!"

"What's your problem, Patches?!"

Catwalk brushed past them and over to Bhavana, setting a hand on her shoulder. "You two would be dead or worse were it not for this young lady. I believe you owe her at least some basic respect."

Bhavana smiled and crossed her arms across her willowy chest. "That's right! Thank you, Mr. Catwalk."

"Don't thank me yet," he said, taking his hand off her shoulder. "Now, understand that your vehicle is presently inoperable."

"You could say that," said JoJo, playfully elbowing Kashmir. "Though opinions are divided."

"Ha!" Kashmir barked. "I can name two things wrong with that jalopy!"

"We should use it as a getaway car, because it sure can split!"

"I take back what I said before!" Bhavana cried, stamping her foot. "You aren't 'good guys', you're assholes!"

"Meat and dairy," said Catwalk, stoically.

"Shit, right!"

After a few minutes they had located Bhavana's bisected car and the various groceries and items scattered about it. Bhavana sighed and rummaged through the various compartments, shoveling her belongings and paperwork into her purse. Buying another car would mean a few years of lean eating if she was lucky. She looked over at the bag of her 'special meat' hanging from JoJo's arm. She'd have to make this recent purchase last. It wasn't cheap being a weak cannibal.

"Hey!" A demon pushing a shopping car up to the smoldering wreck that used to be his car. "What the fuck happened to my car?!"

Catwalk pulled out his Seraphim Steel ball and set it spinning, locking eyes with the demon. "Do you really want to know?"

The demon squeaked and doubled back, pushing his cart as fast as he could. Catwalk pocketed the sphere and turned back to them. "I understand you've set up shop in Signori Bhavana's apartment. This will be an acceptable base of operations for the time being. However, I must warn you that after today, almost nowhere will be safe for long. You must be ready and willing to move at a moment's notice."

"No problem for us," said Kashmir, shrugging.

"Yeah," said JoJo, nodding to the bags hanging off his arms. "What you see here is the sum total of our Hellish belongings."

"Whoa whoa whoa waitaminute!" Bhavana injected, hands slashing the air as though to dispel the notion. "No! Nope! You guys are trouble! Look, it was all well and good when you were a pair of sexy baby-demons Alastor dropped in my lap, but this shit's above my paygrade! Whatever you two and Mr. Catwalk are getting yourselves into, I want none of it!"

JoJo turned to Kashmir, then to Catwalk, then looked about at the devastated section of the parking lot, more than a dozen cars smoldering heaps. "You may have a point there."

Kashmir shrugged and nodded. "Si, fair enough."

"Forgive my presumptuousness, Signori," said Catwalk, bowing. "I had assumed you'd been enthralled or romanced by one of these gentlemen."

"Enthralled by these freshies?!" Bhavana exclaimed, outraged. "They're so new they couldn't find their pricks with a map! What makes you think I'd been Dealt With?"

"To be fair to Catwalk, you kinda radiate strong 'cowardly sidekick' energy," said JoJo, gesturing at her broadly.

"What?!"

"It's how you carry yourself," said Kashmir. "Like one of those twitchy little dogs that barks at everything but folds when confronted."

"Also, you dress in an aggressively mundane and flat manner, like you're trying not to be noticed," added Catwalk.

"Okay, enough!" Bhavana snapped, crossing her arms. "Look! Kashmir, JoJo, I wish you the best in your absurd journey, but as soon as we get home, that's it for me. I just want to go back to my old life, things were complicated and dangerous enough then, thank you."

"That's fine, I understand," said JoJo, chuckling. "This sort of thing isn't for everyone."

"And you, no offense, are not built for this." Kashmir swooped into a deep bow. "I apologize for my earlier candor, Signori. For your hospitality, I say grazie. We will darken your door no more."

"Speaking of…" JoJo said, turning to Catwalk, smiling bashfully. "You wouldn't happen to have a set of wheels, would you? I took the subway in New York once and I'm in no hurry to see how Hell will top that."

Catwalk nodded silently, hooking his fingers into his mouth, a shrill, piercing whistle splitting the air and echoing through the parking lot. A curious sound followed, a low, distant rumbling that grew louder as the source approached. Flaming hooves thundered and spat as they carved molten slashes into the asphalt, an immense horse-like monstrosity with a flaming mane approached them. Its body was composed of living fire ensconced in a scorched, creosote-black carapace, its face a blackened equine skull with glowing orange eyes. The hellhorse skidded to a stop before them, snorting smoke and fire as it whinnied in a deep, distorted voice.

"Whoa there, Flyte," said Catwalk, his tone soothing. "Whoa now, steady."

"Is that a Wrath Mustang?" Bhavana said, wondrously. "I thought only the biggest of bigshots get to have those!"

"Anyone can have anything provided they can take it and keep it," said Catwalk, hopping up onto his steed. "It is Hell's law."

"Flaming skeleton horse," said JoJo with undisguised glee. "I don't care who you are, that's cool!"

"Or hot, rather," said Kashmir, looking Flyte up and down. "She will not burn us?"

"Not unless you give her cause to."

"Uh, I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but…" Bhavana gestured at Flyte, while enormous by human standards, was hardly spacious enough for all of them, especially with a galoot like JoJo onboard. "No way we're all fitting on Ol' Flyte here."

"Hmmm…" JoJo rubbed his chin, snapping his fingers and smiling. "I have an idea!"


Flyte's hooves blazed as she streaked across the infernal cityscape, the Wrath Mustang leaping from building to building with unnatural grace and speed, flaming hooves slashing glowing prints into every surface they touched. The steed leapt from the flat-top of an office building, streaking towards a skyscraper. The mustang tilted mid-air, her hooves digging into the side of the building as she continued to run, seemingly unimpeded by gravity.

"I gotta get me one of these!" JoJo cheered as he sat atop the horse behind Catwalk, his hair whipping about in the wind. [Hermit Purple]'s vines were wrapped around his shoulders and chest in a crude strap. He turned his head back to the little sheep-demon bundled on his back like an infant. "How're you holding up?"

"I HATE THIS I HATE YOU I HATE EVERYTHIIIIING!"

JoJo cackled and craned his neck up to Kashmir, tethered to them by a glowing purple vine, gliding like a kite. "How about you!?"

Kashmir, his ice-burned feathers useless for flight, but just barely adequate to keep him aloft as he barely dodged an overhanging sign. "Do I have to answer?!"

JoJo whooped and hollered as Flyte leapt from the building and streaked down to the streets below, landing between speeding vehicles before effortlessly pulling ahead, literally tearing down the crowded highway between the cars.

"I wanna go hoooome~" Bhavana moaned, hands over her eyes as cars honked and swerved around them.

After what seemed like an eternity Flyte came to a stop, hooves clip-clopping on the sidewalk. Bhavana slowly pulled her hands from her eyes, looking around. It was her neighborhood! The sex store across the street, the cafe that served literal finger food, that one shouty hobo who always called her 'Agnes'! Home! Home sweet boring, dull, wage-slave home! She wanted to pull herself off the larger demon and kiss the ground… not really, but still, it was good to be back! JoJo dismounted with her still on his back, saying nothing. A curious smell hung in the air, a mix between burning plastic, charred meat, and something she couldn't quite place.

"JoJo?" Bhavana said, squirming. "JoJo! Call off your stupid vine thing and let me down!"

JoJo… said nothing.

A chill raced up her spine. "JoJo?"

Kashmir set down, the landing rough but serviceable, and stared ahead, his beak agape and his eyes wide. A thin ribbon of gray smoke rolled by on a hot wind.

"Kashmir?" She asked, whipping her head around to see. "What is it? What's wrong? Dammit! Let me down!"

JoJo recalled his vines and she slid off his back, bum bouncing painfully on the pavement. "Ow… JoJo! What the… hell…"

It was gone. Her apartment, her neighbors, everything. Gone. In its place was a bubbling, molten hole in the city, almost the exact size of her apartment building's footprint. The sloughing, molten pit, with its glowing furled rim, reminded her of when one pressed a hot knife to wax. It was as though some impossibly hot stamp had just descended from on high and pressed her entire life into the dirt. She felt her knees go numb, wobbly, and give out, kneeling on the sidewalk as she stared ahead.

"What…" She muttered, turning to Catwalk. "What happened?"

Catwalk looked up at the sky, frowning. "It is as I feared. I knew I would not be the only one to anticipate your arrival, Heavy Fuel proved that much. But this… to have already attracted their attention…"

JoJo turned to Catwalk. "Who? Who could do this?"

"No one we want to meet, at least not if we can help it." He gestured for them to remount. "Come. We must move on. I have several safehouses arranged, we will move between them at regular intervals."

Kashmir walked toward the pit of bubbling slag, stupefied. "And I left my grandfather's hat in there…"

"Kashmir!" JoJo hissed, smacking him on the back of the head. "A bit of tact, idiot!"

"JoJo! What–?!" He turned to look at Bhavana, who was staring into the middle distance of the glowing scar, his irritation evaporating. "Oh. Oh, signori, I'm sorry, I…"

"It's all gone." Bhavana turned to them tears streaming down her face. "Everything I had… everyone I knew… why is this happening?"

"It's because of us," said JoJo, heaving a deep sigh. "It's because we're on a mission. A very important, dangerous mission. We wouldn't have involved you, if we could help it. I'm sorry."

"No…" she said, sniffling as she dried her tears, inhaling deeply. "You got dropped on me as much as I had you dropped in my lap. It was out of your hands."

There was a pause, the only sound was the rich burbling of the melted apartment. When Bhavana spoke, she was very quiet. "I'm in danger, aren't I?"

Kashmir nodded. "Yes. This was either a message to us to keep moving, or witness removal."

"Probably both," said JoJo.

"So, if I stay here, I'm as good as dead?" She said, rising to her feet. "And nobody would even care."

"Bhavana…" Kashmir said, stepping forward, setting a hand on her shoulder. "That's not true, is it?"

She nodded, smiling wanly, pointing to the crater. "Just about everyone who so much as knew my name was in there. No… I'm a goner." She turned to them, her eyes becoming set and determined. "So, if I'm dead anyway, I'd like to try to help you guys any way I can! I may not make out in one piece, and we will almost definitely face more horrifying demons, and whoever the fuck did this, and… well, my afterlife's been pretty boring anyway. Why not go out with a bang?"

JoJo and Kashmir stepped forward, pulling the comparatively tiny sheep-demon into a hug. Bhavana blushed furiously as their warm, firm, muscular bodies pressed in around her. 'Oh, maybe this won't be so bad!'

"By the way…" She said, glancing between the two of them. "Since I'm part of the team and all, what's the mission?"

"Oh, we're Agents of Heaven," said JoJo, casually.

Kashmir nodded. "We've been tasked by Archangel Micheal himself with locating and retrieving the earthly remains of Jesus Christ of Nazareth."

Bhavana's dark face paled, her eyes going wide as her pupils narrowed to pinpricks. "…Oh."

A breeze kicked up, warm, slag-stinking air rushing about them as a checkerboard top-hat rolled on the ground in front of them. Wordlessly, Kashmir leaned over and picked it up, examining with a shocked expression. He turned to JoJo, pointing at the hat and then at the slag-pit and then at the hat again. JoJo pointed at the sky and shrugged, equally perplexed.

"Whatever," grunted Kashmir, donning the hat and heading over to Flyte and Catwalk.

Bhavana stood in stunned silence for a moment, blinking out of her stupor and following after them. "So, like, when you say 'Jesus', do you mean…?"