A/N: One day behind, hoping to catch up asap. Working Saturdays now, not helping...


July 22nd 2023

Chapter 219
Set and Rise

Nothing felt normal. No, not normal… real. Nothing felt real. This all felt as though it was happening beyond them, outside them, certainly not in their real lives. How could it? They were forging ahead, hours had passed, things were happening, but at no point did anything not feel so… beyond them. They weren't sure if they were completely numb or if they felt absolutely everything. Mostly they felt as much part of what was going on as they felt outside of it, looking in. They knew that Lucas had talked to Elliott, Noah, and Jamie, to explain to them what was going on as best they could, at their ages, but if asked exactly what he'd told them, Lucas couldn't say that he knew for sure what he'd told them, except that he hadn't told them about the baby.

They hadn't known what to tell them, neither of them, and Maya had insisted that, whatever he decided to do, it would be the right call. He'd gone in, fully intending to make up his mind once he was with them, and when he'd sat there, staring at their little faces, he just couldn't do it. They had never known about the baby to begin with, and what would it do for them to be told that it had been there in the same breath that they'd find out it was gone? It didn't feel right. Ava knew because she had known, and they had seen already what it did to her… Maybe they'd explain it to their sons later on, when they could actually have any sort of idea…

They'd have to know something was wrong, wouldn't they? No matter how little they were, or not so little as they used to be, they would see their parents, their grandparents, their aunts and uncles… Whether or not they could put a word to what they saw… All they knew right now was that their mother had been ill, and so she'd had to go to the hospital, but she would be alright, and she would be home soon. And because they were who they were, and because they had been raised by who their parents were, their immediate response had been to go and make her some pictures for when she came back.

When she did come, she still had that look to her that Lucas had been seeing, since after they'd first seen each other in the hospital. It was always like she was on the verge of tears again but nothing would come, like there was so much going on in her head that nothing was able to pass through. She was nervous about seeing the boys, about being around them again, the way she was feeling now, he knew, just like he knew that she really, really needed to see them, to feel them in her arms, to hear their voices…

"Hey…" Lucas came up to find her in their room, hours later, after she'd come home, and been with the boys, and Ava, and his grandparents… Everyone had gone off to bed now save for them. Ava was probably still up, down in her room, and as far as Lucas was concerned, she could stay up and read as long as she needed to.

"Was I okay?" Maya asked when she turned to him, away from the twins in their cribs. He didn't know what he'd expected her to say, but this caught him by surprise. He must have worn his confusion on his face. "With the boys, I… Did I do alright?" she elaborated, turned back to Jackson and Simon.

"Of course, you did, you…" he started to say, but even as he said it he knew that it wasn't enough… knew that he wouldn't have known what to tell her. Whatever he was experiencing through this loss, he knew that she would never diminish it for a second, but they both knew that it wasn't the same, that it could never be the same. He could not know what it would have felt like to her, in every way that she would have felt it, physically or beyond. Now she was here, and he had seen her, with the boys, not exactly putting on a show of everything being a hundred percent fine but still doing her best to conjure up this version of herself where she'd gone to the hospital for some fleeting thing, and she was now all better. Whatever the boys would have seen through that, even if they couldn't possibly piece together the reality of it all, they would worry for their mother, and they both knew it.

"I…" he tried, and the words failed him for a moment, but he found what he meant to say. "I guess it went about as well as it would go," he told her, and she let out a breath, stayed focused on their baby boys. "They were just so happy to see you, all of them," he reminded her, and she nodded. Yes, that much she knew, and it was comforting. Lucas came up and wrapped her in his arms, a gesture she wholly welcomed. The night ahead of them would not be an easy one, they knew, not this night, and not the days that would follow. But somehow, by the time their Nugget and their Peanut had their first birthday cakes within hands' reach to demolish, they'd manage to do… something… hopefully.

X

She had no expectations for this day. The morning came, the sun rose into the sky and illuminated their room. But part of her felt so removed from everything. Nothing had felt right, not since that moment, with Cade, in the nurse's office. There she'd been, trying to patch him up since the nurse hadn't arrived yet, and then just… She wanted to tell herself that it couldn't be real, that she couldn't have… that her baby… but it was no use. She knew it was true, felt it… She wished she could have found a way to feel something else, and maybe in time she would, but not now, not today, and who knew how long…

Lucas' hand wasn't resting over her anymore. That was one of the first things she realized when she woke up, and she didn't expect it to hit her the way it did when she realized it. This was all just what came naturally to him, every night, but there was nothing for him to cradle anymore. She suspected that he was very aware of it all, to the point where he would have felt that maybe he should have put his hand anyway, but now he simply didn't know what to do with himself anymore. She wanted to tell him not to worry, that she didn't mind, but then she thought of his hand there, and she that it wouldn't have felt okay to her. She really wished that it did.

The kids were due at school, and Maya joined in on the morning routine as best she could. The boys went along as though it was a normal day, and that was good. Ava wanted to stay home, and she didn't even try to pretend as though she was sick, which her parents admired. She just wanted to be with her mother, her mama, and to look after her. Maya loved her so much for it, but she promised that she would help a lot more if she actually went on to school, so Ava went. Lucas couldn't be moved so easily, and Maya didn't try. She wanted him around, too, needed him. Their families would want to hover around her, she got that. But she didn't want them to. If she could spend these next few days, just her, and Lucas, and the twins, that would be good.

That first day, once the kids were gone, once it was just the four of them, and the dogs, and the cats… They didn't do a whole lot. Maya stayed on the couch, usually surrounded by a couple of their pets, and one or both of the twins if they weren't feeling so bouncy that Lucas would step in and be their play pal until they wanted to sit with Mama again… It was all any of them could need for that day, and that was what they got.

The next day shaped up to be much of the same. Maya wanted to tell herself that she was doing better, that she was able to look at what had happened to her and move forward as though it was done, but it didn't take long for her to know that she'd be fooling herself more than anything else. She wasn't okay, not like she wanted to be. She needed to give herself time, that was what they all told her, and she wanted to believe it, but also… it all felt like they couldn't possibly have known what they were asking her to do. The thing was, of course, that some of them did know. She'd seen it through her mother-in-law, and beyond that… All of a sudden, she was getting to hear stories from other women, or even just the indication that there was a story to share, and that they'd be willing to share it with her if she wanted to hear it. They knew she might not be ready, now, or ever… but even just this was helping her, and she hoped that they knew it.

In the meantime, everything else felt much the same, but the sameness was kind of what she needed. It allowed her to navigate forward at her own pace. When it came time for the boys to nap, they would come and rest with her, and she'd get to hold them near, feel them, protect them… All she wanted was for them to know that she had them, and nothing would happen while she did. Eventually, she would go and fall asleep along with them, which could be as much a blessing, and a curse. Her dreams were not overrun with nightmares, no, but they could still be disturbing, enough that she'd startle awake, which would be received much differently by small boys as it would be with a grown man. They got upset, and Lucas stepped in, taking Jackson so that Maya could focus on Simon… Seeing them upset, even if she knew how they'd gotten there, it only made her feel like she'd done this to them, and it would do nothing to settle her heart.

"You're okay… it's okay…" Lucas told Jackson, and Maya looked at him, knowing that he was talking to her as much as their sons. She could only close her eyes and keep cradling Simon, keep trying to calm herself so that he could calmed, too. Lucas was sitting next to her, so they stayed together, shoulder to shoulder, the better to keep their Hug-a-bears together, and she rested her head to his shoulder. He started to sing, for all of them, and hearing him go in lullaby mode, whether he'd wanted it or not, helped soothe her, too, until the next thing she knew, she was waking up lying on their bed upstairs, with Ava sitting by her side, back from school and working on her homework.

When she woke up the next morning, it wasn't so much that she suddenly felt awakened and thriving, but she did have one very important thought coursing through her mind, and that was that the twins' birthday was getting closer and closer and they were not ready. Before the last few days, they had started preparing, sure, but they had left so much to be dealt with in the final days, and they couldn't be blamed for not having predicted how this would all turn out, could they? Everything had just sort of fallen by the side, although if she stopped to think about it, she could just bet that there were others, across their families and friends, who were doing everything in their power to pick up the pieces where they'd left them. There would be cakes, there would be decorations, there would be more presents than a pair of year-old brothers would know what to do about. And that was all wonderful, truly… But she needed to do something, couldn't just sit back anymore. Simon and Jackson, they were here, and she had to remember that, couldn't just… couldn't…

"Hey… What happened?" Lucas touched her arm. Maya couldn't pull the tears back in, and there was no use pretending she hadn't been doing exactly what he thought she was, so she looked at him. He came to lie closer to her and she gladly folded herself to him.

"It's not… I just… I don't know…" she breathed.

"Can I do something?" he asked, patient as ever. Maya breathed, thought for a moment.

"I think… I know it's not, I know… She was too little to… a-and we didn't even know for sure if she… I don't care, I… I need to name her, I don't want to… to forget, to make it seem as though she wasn't…"

"Okay… Yes… Let's name her," he agreed at once, and he wasn't just humoring her, she knew. It meant a lot to him, too. A name… She breathed again, better now, even though… She looked at him, and she knew that he knew where her mind was at. They'd always known what he wanted to name their daughter, if they were ever going to have one, but now… They couldn't give that name to her now, not when she was… "I have an idea how we can find one."

They went down together, from their room, along the stairs that would bring them down to the basement and their daughter's room. As they expected, she was already awake, sitting on her bed and reading. At the sound of steps on the stairs, she'd looked up, and so she followed their approach toward her, clearly wondering what brought them to see her so early. They sat with her and explained their desire. Their clever girl needed little in the way of explanations as to what they wanted to do and why. She vowed to think on it, as they would, to find the perfect name for her would-be sister.

The name had not been found by the time morning rose on Simon Edward and Jackson Milo Friar's first birthday, but it did feel as though the promise of its coming had done part of the work already. Days were passing and, as impossible as it still felt, they were moving forward, maybe even moving on, even if a great part of them was still very much rooted to the ground.

"Hi… good morning… It's your birthday today… Yeah, it is…" Maya laughed lightly. It wasn't the first time she'd laughed since the loss, but it was maybe the first time that felt genuine enough, to her, and to Lucas as he heard her. If anyone was going to bring it out of her, it would have to be one of their children, wouldn't it? That morning, it was two of them, their birthday boys. Little as they were, some part of them might have known what the significance of this day was. Either that, or they were just very happy and energized this morning.

"I think they went and grew a few inches in the night," Lucas suggested, picking Simon up from his crib as Maya already had Jack.

"Is that right? Did you grow, Peanut?" she softly asked him, swaying with him as she held him. The little blonde was looking back at her, his head stuck against hers and his hands poking at her shoulders like they might have been in some secretive huddle. "You're not in any rush to grow on us, okay? You're fine just like this," she assured him, cradling the back of his head. "You and your brother, you can be our tiny boys as long as you like," she whispered. Now more than ever, Lucas knew as he watched them, she truly wished it, and not just because seeing their children get further and further away from babyhood was emotional. Just now, she almost needed them to be her babies still, not as a replacement, no, but necessary, nonetheless.

Soon, they'd be off to celebrate Simon and Jack's big day, and the last thing she wanted, she knew, would come whether she wanted it or not. It'd be all the people they knew and cared for, the people who knew and cared for them in return, asking how she was doing, how they were both doing, her and Lucas. What would she even be able to tell them? Could she lie and say that she was okay now? She could try, but no one would believe her. Could she tell the absolute, honest truth? She could try, but no one would want to hear it, and worse it would put a stain on the boys' birthday. Some might argue that it was already there, that there was nothing any of them could do to make it so they weren't aware of it, but that didn't matter. Whether or not Simon and Jackson would ever remember their first birthday, she wanted to be able to tell them that it had been a good one.

If she went somewhere in the middle, well, they'd have to know already, because it did sort of go without saying. She was still feeling it all, whether she wanted to or not. Sometimes she didn't know what she was feeling, what was real and what was the mask she put on for the kids… the boys, mostly, less so for Ava… Sometimes she had to wonder if she was putting it on for herself, too, or if she was really moving on. Was she supposed to? Could she? She wasn't okay, she knew that much, and even if everything felt like confusion a lot of the time, reality couldn't help but settle in, and what it told her, again and again, was that sooner or later she'd have to unpause everything. She'd have to go back to work, she wanted to go back to work, but she was concerned, of all things, that she'd suddenly burst into tears, in the middle of class, and she would upset her students.

They had all been so good to her, sending well wishes, even if they didn't know all the ins and outs of her sick leave. The one of them who did know, because she felt that she owed him that much, was Cade Foster. He'd been to see her, two days back, carrying with him his classmates and schoolmates' messages. From what she'd heard out of Stevie – one of the few others who did know the reason for her absence of course – he had been very active in the effort, which she'd intended to lead. The two of them may not have been in the same art class, but they knew each other through other classes, and they were starting to be friends. Of all the things that she'd heard of while she'd been gone, it might have been the best one yet.

"Hey, guys, look who it is," Lucas smiled when he turned and spotted Ava in the door. The twins reacted as they would, seeing their big sister. When they were set on their feet, they teetered over to her, both of them new walkers, unpracticed, but made better for having one another, as they'd show by their tendency to grab hold of one another's hand as they went. Ava crouched, inciting them forward with open arms, and they reached her together, the better to receive some hugs from her. Lucas soon went and guided them out the door, the better to go and see what their big brothers were up to.

"Morning," Maya smiled, tapping the mattress next to her. Ava soon came and climbed on to join her. Maya closed her arms around her, bringing her to rest with her, which made Ava smile back at her. "How are you doing, Sweetpea? Did you sleep okay?"

"I slept fine, Mama," she promised.

"Good, that's really good," Maya replied, kissing the side of her face. She felt brightened every time she saw how happy her daughter was to be with her. These days, she couldn't even begin to explain what it meant.

"Sara…" Ava spoke, and she didn't need to say anything else for Maya to know what she meant. That was her offering, her feeling for her would-be sister's name and, when it was spoken, it filled Maya with an instant and genuine feeling or release, of lightness. She looked to her daughter's face, the communication flowing clear between them.

"Sara," Maya repeated, her voice catching.

"Like in A Little Princess," Ava specified, and Maya nodded. Yes, somehow, she'd figured as much. "You like it?"

"I do… I really do. We need to tell your dad though, see what he thinks." Ava moved to rise, but Maya stopped her, kept her close. "He'll be back. We'll tell him then. In the meantime, you just stay here with me, okay?"

"Okay, Mama."

TO BE CONTINUED


See you tomorrow! - mooners