"You alright darling?" Michelle asked as I walked through the pub one evening with my bag on my shoulder and laptop in my arms.
"Yeah, just tired." I said as put her arm around me and I rested my head on her shoulder.
"You look rough." She said.
"Shut up. Do you need me down here?" I asked her.
"No, no, you go and run yourself a bath or something. I can't have you down here serving pints when your due date is in a week's time, can I?" she told me.
"Thanks Chelle." I said, before kissing her cheek and then going into the back room where the kids were sat around the table with Mum having their tea.
"Hello, my girl, how are you?" Mum asked as she helped Tally cut up her potatoes.
"I'm alright. I'm gonna go up and have a shower and then I'm gonna have an early night." I told her. She nodded and smiled sympathetically as I hung my coat on the rack and then went upstairs.
After my shower, I got into bed and put the telly on for a little while. Each of the kids came in to say goodnight while Mum tried to wrangle them all into bed. I ended up reading a story to Ella and then listening to Isla and Rosie read their school books to me, while Mum sorted Raffy and Tala out.
Mum lightly knocked on my door once the kids were in bed and came and sat on my bed beside me.
"I thought you were having an early night." She said.
"Same, but someone has other ideas." I told her, lightly brushing my hand over my bump. "I'm so tired Mumma." Mum pulled my head into her chest and stroked my hair.
"I know my girl. How about a Mumma stroke of the hair to see if that helps you fall asleep?" she asked. I nodded and switched the telly off, lay down in bed. Mum lay beside me and reached her arm over me, stroking my hair softly as she always did to get me to sleep. I reached over and turned my bedside light off as Mum kissed my ear and lay her head down on the pillow next to me.
When I woke up, the light from the moon streamed through my window and reflected onto the wall of my bedroom. I shifted slightly in my bed and Mum wasn't there. She'd tucked the duvet over me after I'd fallen asleep. I pushed it off me and got up out of bed, leaving my room and walking down the corridor to the bathroom where I went to the loo. I shut my bedroom door behind me when I came back from my room. I sat back down in bed and reached for my phone from beside my bed. It was 4:56am. That meant I'd slept for 9 hours, which was the longest time in months. I checked through my phone for a little while and grabbed my laptop and checked any emails I had before deciding to go down to the kitchen and make myself a cuppa. I wrapped my dressing gown around me, slipping my phone in my pocket before leaving my bedroom and going downstairs.
The house was still silent once I'd finished my tea, so I went back upstairs and put on some leggings and a cardigan. I took my laptop in my handbag and went downstairs to slip on my shoes. I left out the back door of the pub. The air was cool outside, the summer heat was slowly passing, and autumn was rolling in. I walked across the road from the pub, seeing the milk man pass as I did. It was still a little dark and the bakery was cold when I opened the door. I shut and locked it behind me before turning the lights on. I went into the office and as my computer booted up, I wrapped the blanket around me that I kept on the sofa. I switched on the ovens in the kitchens so the bread would be ready for opening and then returned to the office where I sat at my desk and started doing some work.
Mum text at 6am and asked where I was. I replied and told her I was in bakery; I'd slept really well and was just getting on with some work while things were quiet. I'd not long sent the text when there was a knock on the front door. It would be Faye; I'd forgotten to text her to tell her she could come in a little later as I was here to open up. I went through to the shop to let her in, but it wasn't Faye at the door. It was Lou, Ben's Mum.
"We're not open yet." I said, wrapping my cardigan and the blanket around my bump in an attempt to hide my bump. It was pointless though, there was no hiding it at 39 weeks pregnant. I unlocked and opened the door, letting Lou come in and then shutting the door behind her.
"It's not the bread I was here for, it's you." She said. I waited for her to continue. "You look well. When are you due?" Lou asked.
"Not until November." I lied. "What is it I can help you with Lou? I've got to get on."
"It's Ben, it thought you deserved to hear it in person." She began.
"I've told you Lou, I want nothing more to do with him." I said.
"He's dead Orla. He killed himself in his cell a few nights ago." She told me. The room fell silent apart from the faint buzzing noise of the ovens in the kitchen.
"Well, thank you for telling me, Lou, but I really do have to get on." I said.
"Is that it? Is that all you have to say? My son is dead and all you have to say is thanks for telling me. Orla do feel absolutely nothing for him?" she asked, raising her voice at me.
"No, no I don't, we went for a few drinks together, we slept together a couple of times and then he takes me out to a club and chucks acid over his ex and ends up killing her. Lou, I don't know what else you want me to say." I shouted, wincing slightly as I finished as a pain rippled through the side of my stomach. The round ligament pain never really had completely gone away so the pains did often return. Lou stared at me as I cradled my bump with one arm and used the other prop myself up on the counter.
"It's not his baby, is it?" she asked.
"No, no, as if I would ever carry that monster's baby." I hated myself for saying that, but I knew that I needed to convince her it wasn't his baby so that she would have nothing to do with my daughter.
"My son was no monster. He made a mistake, a simple mistake." She said.
"What he did was no mistake. He knew what he was doing. He may not have intended for Lena to die but he intended to hurt her, to ruin her life, which makes him a monster in my eyes." I told her, wincing again as the pain wasn't subsiding. "I'd like you to go please."
"Go where? Do what? My son is dead, what else am I supposed to do now?" Lou shouted.
"I don't know, but if you don't go then I won't hesitate from calling the police. Please Lou, I'm asking nicely." I said, clutching my stomach as the pain grew more intense. I could feel the baby kicking and just as I looked over Lou's shoulder to see Faye leaving her flat across the road, my waters broke on the floor. "Please Lou, go, now." I said sternly. She hadn't realised my waters had broken and opened the front door and walked out, muttering something under her breath as she did. Faye crossed the road and opened the front door as Lou walked off down the street.
"Faye, Faye, I need my Mum, I need you to go and get her. I'm in labour." I said, sinking down the wall and sitting on the floor as the pain got worse. She dropped her bag on the table and left out of the bakery and ran across the road. I watched her run around the back of the pub just as the pain passed.
Faye returned a few minutes later, Mum running across the road behind her before both of them bounded into the bakery.
"Hey, hey, I'm here. It's alright. I've got you." Mum said, kneeling in front of me and pulling my head into her shoulder. "Right, let's get you up and Peter will take us to the hospital, ok?" she said. I nodded and her and Faye helped me up. Mum went back over to the pub to get Peter while I collected my things from the office and then walked over. I met Mum and Peter in the bar. Mum had got my hospital bag and she'd got dressed properly. Peter pulled up in the car outside and Mum helped me into the back seat before getting in beside me.
"Mum, I need to tell you something." I said as the car pulled away.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Ben's dead, his Mum came this morning to the bakery and he's dead. He killed himself in his cell." I told her as the pain washed through my body again. Mum gently rubbed my back as she kissed my hair.
"It's alright my girl, it's all gonna be alright." She whispered in my ear.
It was only a couple of hours later when I lay in a hospital bed, on the maternity ward with my girl in my arms. Mum was right, that feeling when I first saw her, first held her in my arms hit me like a tonne of bricks and I'd sobbed as the midwife placed her on my chest and she'd settled as they placed a blanket on top of her.
"Right, I've told Chelle. She's gonna come by and see you in a little bit, when Daisy's in the cover the pub." Mum said as she came back into the room, slipping her phone in her coat pocket. I nodded, barely looking up from the baby as Mum sat on the bed in front of me. "She is the spitting image of you as a baby." She placed her hand on mine.
"Do you think? She looks like Ella." I said, stroking her soft cheek as she wriggled in my arms.
"And Ella looks like you." Mum said as she smiled.
"She's so perfect Mum. And so tiny." I stroked her dark hair on top of her head before leaning down and kissing her forehead.
"She is little, but she's a week early and she always measured small, didn't she? I can't believe my baby has got a baby." Mum said as tears formed in her eyes.
"Hey, it's supposed to be me crying, not you." I said, handing her a tissue from the table beside my bed. She took it and wiped her eyes. "Do you want a cuddle?" I asked her. Mum nodded, slipping the tissue in her pocket and taking her coat off before taking her from me. I went to the loo and when I came back, Mum was holding the baby in her arms, she was getting a bit fussy, so Mum was swaying her gently as she watched out the window.
"I think someone wants their Mummy." Mum said. I climbed back onto the bed and Mum handed her to me. She almost instantly settled as she snuggled back into my chest.
After a feed, I'd settled her into her cot, I lay down in bed. Mum sat at the end of my bed, holding onto my hand as the two of us watched her sleep. There was a knock at the door, Mum and I both turned our heads in that direction as Michelle stood there.
"Hello, you, I've got a date with a very little girl." She said, shutting the door behind her and walking towards me. She took her coat off and kissed my cheek as she looked over my bed at the baby asleep in her cot. "She really is little Orabelle. Well done beautiful girl." Michelle whispered. "How you feeling?" she asked as she walked around the bed and sat down. Mum sat beside me, with her arm around me so my head rested on her shoulder.
"Alright. Bit sore, but so in love." I said, looking back at the baby, who stirred a little. I went to get up, but Michelle put her hand on my leg and said,
"It's alright, I'll get her." She stood up and lifted the baby out of the cot before returning to the bed with her in her arms. "She's a beauty Ora. You little superstar, hey isn't your Mummy such a superstar for growing you?" she said to the baby. Michelle held her for a little while before she placed her in my arms and she lay on my chest, falling back to sleep.
"Have you thought about a name?" Mum asked as she stroked my hair.
"Yeah, I think I know what her name's going to be. How does Amelie Clarabel Connor sound?" I asked them both. Michelle was beaming, while Mum had tears in her eyes again.
"Perfect Orlie, just like her, so perfect." Mum said, kissing my head and then leaning down to kiss Amelie's.
