The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Last time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean reviewed the 1992 sequel Honey, I Blew Up the Kid and gave his thoughts about it. Today, Sean takes a look at the 1997 direct-to-video sequel Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves, and we know how bad direct-to-video sequels are. Anyway, sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves is owned by Walt Disney Pictures.
Episode 182
Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves
(The opening to The Mayhem Critic is shown. But halfway through the intro, our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, shoots it with his gun)
"Yeah, no time for the introduction because I'm not looking forward to this movie." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while music by Michael Tavera plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh God in Heaven, why does this movie exist? Released on home video on March 18th, 1997, Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves is the first live-action direct-to-video sequel for Disney because Disney has some good luck with their direct-to-video sequels and we know how bad their sequels are. You have Rick Moranis reprising his role as Wayne Szalinski before he retired from acting, you have the screenwriter of James and the Giant Peach, the creator of Sabrina the Teenage Witch and the star and creator of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Sean is referring to the movie's screenwriters Karey Kirkpatrick, Nell Scovell and Joel Hodgson) and the movie is the directorial debut of Dean Cundey (A picture of Dean Cundey is shown), who you might know him as the cinematographer who worked on the Back to the Future trilogy, Halloween, Jurassic Park and Hook. Mind you, this is his first and last time directing a movie. Hell, he's better at cinematography. I remember watching this movie when it aired on ABC's Wonderful World of Disney and Christ! I did not care for it.
"But who cares? Let's get this review over and done with. This is Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves." Sean said.
(The movie opens with the Walt Disney Home Video logo from 1991)
"Oh, yeah. You know it's perfect quality home entertainment when your movie starts off with the Walt Disney Home Video logo. Way to bring out the nostalgic feels, movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We open with the home of the Szalinskis with some cheery, happy music that's used in 90s family films. But hey, what can you expect when you have the guy who worked on the Land Before Time sequels (a picture of the movie's composer Michael Tavera is shown) work on this movie. But then again, Michael Tavera did work on Mucha Lucha. Anyway, we see that Diane, played by Marcia Strass... hey, wait a minute!
"That's not Marcia Strassman. No, no, no, no, no! There's no way that you have a different actress playing the role of Diane." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, as you can see, Rick Moranis is the only actor to return and you have different actors playing Diane and Adam. With Marcia Strassman playing Diane in the first two movies, she is replaced by Eve Gordon, who you might recognize her as the smokin' hot blonde Jordan Miller in the short-lived sitcom The Powers That Be and she played Marilyn Monroe in A Woman Named Jackie. As for Adam, he is now portrayed by Alfalfa himself Bug Hall.
"Oh, man. 1997 was not a great year for movies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Diane is excited about going on vacation. Why is that important? Because she mentions it every single time in the movie.
Diane Szalinski (Played by Eve Gordon): I really need this vacation.
"I definitely need a vacation from reviewing baad movies like this." Sean said.
Adam Szalinski (Played by Bug Hall): Ma, we're out of peanut butter.
Diane Szalinski: (While on the phone) Looks so peaceful.
Adam Szalinski: I said, we're out of peanut butter!
Diane Szalinski: (To Adam) Well, don't complain to me, talk to your father. You know, he's in charge of household legumes.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see the man himself, Wayne Szalinski, who's on the phone while wearing some helmet that looks like Doc Brown made and we see that he's the president of his own company.
Wayne Szalinski (Played by Rick Moranis): No, no! I'm thrilled that the Smithsonian wants to display my shrinking machine! It's just that I'd prefer to dismantle it and reassemble it myself. I just think I'm more responsible than most people.
"You? Responsible? Bitch, please!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and Honey, I Blew Up the Kid is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) You shrunk your kids and the neighbor's kids and you put their lives in danger. And let's not forget that you turned your youngest son into a friggin' giant that went on a rampage and almost destroyed Las Vegas in the process and yet you have the balls to claim that you're responsible than most people.
"Oh, yeah. I don't think so." Sean said.
Wayne Szalinski: I'll pack it up this weekend, and your movers will come on Monday and take it to Washington. Oh, by the way, feel free to use it to shrink the national debt!
"There you go, folks. This is the kind of humor that we're getting. Did I mention that Joel Hodgson is one of the writers that wrote this turd?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Adam tells his father that he's out of peanut butter and then he talks to him about going to baseball camp instead of going to science camp.
Wayne Szalinski: Don't you want to go back to thaat neat science camp we sent you to?
Adam Szalinski: Camp Isosceles was fun, Dad, but I've been there now three years in a row.
Wayne Szalinski: Yeah, but the fourth year is the best. Trigonometry?
"Apparently, Wayne has been taking lessons from Big Russ Thompson on how to be a douchebag dad that doesn't want his kid to pursue anything other than what he wants to do. Way to be a loving father, Wayne.
Adam Szalinski: But all my friends are goin' to baseball camp.
Wayne Szalinski: Baseball's just a trend. It'll pass. But science is always cool.
"Just ast Beakman and Bill Nye the Science Guy. They know that science rules." Sean said, imitating Wayne.
Sean: (Narrating) As Wayne get ready to leave for work, Diane is upset that he still has that Tiki Man statue sitting in their house and she wants him to get rid of it.
Diane Szalinski: He takes up so much room, and you won't even let us hang our coats on him.
Wayne Szalinski: He's a Polynesian god, not a coat rack, Diane.
Diane Szalinski: He belongs in a miniature golf course. I don't even know why you bought him in the first place.
Wayne Szalinski: To have fun?
Diane Szalinski: Wayne, you are saying goodbye to Mr. Tiki Man this weekend. I'm sorry. But that's that.
"Hey, I mean, who would be unhappy about that? That thing looks creepy." Sean said.
Wayne Szalinski: (To Tiki Man) Be cool. I'll think of something.
"Why are you talking to a Tiki Man? It's an inanimate fucking object!" Sean exclaimed.
(A clip from In Brugges is shown)
Harry (Played by Ralph Fiennes): You're an inanimate fuckin' object!
Sean: (Narrating) Adam talks to his mother and we get mentions of Nick and Amy, but then she sees a daddy longlegs crawling on the wall, which freaks her out and she tries to kill it.
Adam Szalinski: No, Mom, don't kill it! Daddy longlegs are good. They eat other bugs.
"Besides, it's going to be your mode of transportation later on in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Diane's sister-in-law Patti, played by Robin Bartlett, arrives and she's a little nervous about leaving her kids if her and Diane go away because they're not old enough to stay by themselves.
Diane Szalinski: We've been over this. If anything goes wrong, our husbands will be there.
Patti Szalinski (Played by Robin Bartlett): My point exactly.
Diane Szalinski: Patti, don't start with me. We both need this vacation.
"Dude, we get it. You need a vacation. No need to remind us." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to Adam's cousins Mitch, played by Jake Richardson, and his older sister Jenny, played by Allison Mack.
"And we all recognize her as Chloe Sullivan in Smallville and... Yeah, I'm not going to mention what she has done now. Let's just say that she was part of a cult and was arrested for sex trafficking charges. And immediately, I just killed everyone's childhood." Sean said.
Adam Szalinski: Oh, man, I got this great story, okay? One time, we were at this Chinese restaurant, and I sneezed, and six grains of rice came out of my nose!
Mitch Szalinski (Played by Jake Richardson): Oooh, I've only done liquids. But once Jenny did a piece of spaghetti. Oh, man, it was, like, hangin' out to there.
Jenny Szalinski (Played by Allison Mack): Shut up! At least I', not sick 24 hours a day.
Mitch Szalinski: I can't help it if I have a potassium deficiency.
"Remember that, folks. Because that's going to be important later on in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh yeah, here's the thing about Aunt Patti, she's the paranoid schizophrenic of the family and she's scared to do anything. Hell, she puts parking blocks behind the wheels of her car.
Patti Szalinski: Oh, the car was making funny noises this morning, and you can never be too careful. I mean, what if the parking brake went? I worry about these things.
Diane Szalinski: That's why you need a vacation.
"Goddamn it, we get it! Okay?! You need a vacation, she needs a vacation, everybody gets a vacation!" Sean yelled out, imitating Oprah Winfrey.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Wayne at his company Szalinski Labs, where his brother Gordon, played by the best damn actor in this entire movie Stuart Pankin, works as a scientist and boy, this lab looks like a children's museum. Take a look at the last science lab that Wayne worked at in Honey, I Blew Up the Kid, now that is a lab. Here, it looks like something that they scrounged up from COSI.
Wayne Szalinski: How's Project Green Lantern coming?
Gordon Szalinski (Played by Stuart Pankin): (Clears throat) Just okay. I've run into some problems.
Sean: (V/O as Gordon) I had to deal with that idiot from Deadpool. This movie's gonna suck.
Sean: (Narrating) No, they're not talking about that stupid Green Lantern movie, it's gonna be a cold day in Hell if I ever review it. Project Green Lantern is something to decrease accidents to highway workers at night by increasing their visibility through the use of internal fluorescence by drinking this liquid that makes them glow in the dark. But there's one problem.
(Wayne and Gordon drink the liquid. Wayne sees that he's not glowing)
Wayne Szalinski: It's not workin'. It's supposed to make my body glow.
Gordon Szalinski: Mmm-hmm. Open your shirt.
(Wayne opens his shirt and sees that his stomach is glowing)
Wayne Szalinski: Oh, Jimmy! Is that my stomach?
Gordon Szalinski: Uh-huh. And here's mine.
(Gordon opens his shirt and we see that his stomach is glowing as well)
Gordon Szalinski: The problem is, the liquid just stays in your gut. I don't know what to do.
Wayne Szalinski: Well, obviously it's not getting absorbed into the bloodstream. Have you tried going through the calcium channel?
Gordon Szalinski: The calcium channel?
"I think I have The Calcium Channel. Let me check to see if I have it." Sean said as he picked up the remote control. "Ah, there we go. They're doing a documentary on milk and Ted McGinley is doing the narration." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Wayne's secretary enters and she tells them that a friend of theirs has two VIP passes for the shuttle touchdown. But he has to tell Diane first. And you know that your film is made in the 90s when they still use handset phones.
Diane Szalinski: No, Wayne. It is not okay. Patti and I are going on vacation. I must've told you this 15 times. Don't you remember?
"Yes, I remember. You keep reminding us every... fucking... time." Sean said.
Diane Szalinski: Well, listen to me now, Wayne, and listen good. I am going on this vacation, and nothing and no one can stop me!
"Hey kids, can you say PMS?" Sean asked as Taylor enters the living room.
"No, but they're about to see a dead man in a minute if he keeps his mouth shut." Taylor said.
"Let me guess, you heard my PMS comment?" Sean asked.
"Oh, yeah." Taylor said.
"No chance in me getting some action tonight?" Sean asked.
"Nope." Taylor grinned at Sean before she left the room.
"Guess I'm sleeping in my office." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And now the big day arrives as Diane and Patti get ready to leave for their vacation.
Diane Szalinski: Two days without mommies. It will be hard. It will be tough. But I have every confidence you'll make it, if you follow these rules. One, don't raid the refrigerator between meals. Two, take your vitamins after dinner. Three, no rollerblading in the house. Four, get rid of the Tiki Man. Got it? Any other questions?
Jenny Szalinski: Uh, yeah. Can I have some friends over?
Patti Szalinski: No.
Jenny Szalinski: Come on, Mom. Don't you trust me?
Patti Szalinski: Save it for the debating team, Jenny. The answer is still no.
"Besides, I know what kind of friends that you hang out with and they're bad people." Sean said, imitating Patti while pictures of Allison Mack and other members of the NXIVM cult are shown.
Diane Szalinski: Any other questions? Good. Bye, kids. I love you.
Wayne Szalinski: And try to relax, Diane.
Diane Szalinski: You too. Have fun, and try to relax.
"And I better not see that damn Tiki Man in the house because if I do, I will kill you, Wayne." Sean said, imitating Diane.
Patti Szalinski: I feel like I'm forgetting something.
(A gardener has the leaf blower whirring)
Diane Szalinski: Which reminds me. Adam. Adam!
(The whirring increases)
Diane Szalinski: (Shouting) I just did laundry (as the leaf blower is turned off) so you'll have plenty of clean underpants!
(Jenny and Mitch laugh at Adam as well as the neighborhood kids)
Boy: I bet you they have lace on 'em!
(A clip from The Little Rascals is shown)
Alfalfa (Played by Bug Hall) Oh, and the clouds open up and God said: "I hate you, Alfalfa.".
Sean: (Narrating) The wives leave for their vacation and they leave Wayne and Gordon in charge. Oh, dear. Be afraid, be very afraid. I'm pretty sure that Wayne has something fun planned for them.
Wayne Szalinski: So I planned a little kick-off surprise. We are gonna use marshmallows and gumdrops to make models of water molecules! What do you think?
Mitch Szalinski: You're a maniac, Uncle Wayne.
"That's exactly what I said about him after two films." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Wayne forgot to get the toothpicks and he gives the kids money to go to the store and buy some toothpicks. But it's actually just a ruse to get the kids out of the house so he can save his precious Tiki Man. Him and Gordon take it up to the attic and he has a plan to make sure that Diane doesn't notice the Tiki Man by shrinking it.
(Wayne reveals the shrinking machine)
Gordon Szalinski: Wow.
(The music makes a familiar tune)
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. Play that back. That tune sounds so familiar." Sean said.
(The familiar tune is heard once more)
"Really? You just ripped off the music from Back to the Future? I can get past that stupid hat that Wayne was wearing, but you've gone too far! You've gone too far movie! But then again, this is the same composer who did this movie." Sean said.
(A clip from The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island is shown)
Chomper (Voiced by Cannon Young): (Sings) Friends for dinner. I'm gonna have friends for dinner.
Gordon Szalinski: You were banned from using this by a joint committee of the FDA and your wife.
Wayne Szalinski: Is the FDA here? Is my wife here? I've made up my mind. I'm gonna shrink that Tiki Man so I can carry it with me always. Besides, it's a point of honor!
"I have a bad feeling about this. Look what you did, movie. You made me quote Star Wars." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Diane and Patti, they are on their way for their vacation, but Patti forgot one minor little thing.
Patti Szalinski: Oh, no! I forgot to leave Mitch's medicine. We've gotta go back.
(Diane sighs)
"Patti, you had one job. ONE JOB! Why did you have to screw it up?! I swear, if you ruin this vacation for me, so help me." Sean said, imitating Diane.
Sean: (Narrating) You know something, I just realized that Eve Gordon and Robin Bartlett are in the same movie together. This is not the first time that they worked together. They both starred in the short-lived sitcom The Powers That Be. (A picture of Eve Gordon as Jordan Miller is shown and a picture of Robin Bartlett as Sophie Lipkin is shown) You have Eve Gordon playing Jordan Miller, William Powers' chief of staff and mistress, and Robin Bartlett plays William Powers' illegitimate daughter Sophie Lipkin.
"Oh, great. You have a half-assed Powers That Be reunion. While you're at it, you could add Baby Sinclair from Dinosaurs into the mix." Sean said as a picture of Baby Sinclair is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Wayne shrinks the Tiki Man and when Wayne and Gordon look for it on the floor, the movie decides go all Final Destination on our asses.
(As the machine reaches critical mass, a billiard ball falls onto the button, the machine ends up shrinking Wayne and Gordon)
Gordon Szalinski: Huh?
Wayne Szalinski: Ah! It didn't work! It grew back.
Gordon Szalinski: What do you think went wrong?
Wayne Szalinski: I don't know. Sometimes the induction sequence...
(Wayne and Gordon then realize that the machine shrunk them. This realization causes Gordon to scream)
Gordon Szalinski: You shrunk us? You idiot!
Wayne Szalinski: I'm sorry.
Gordon Szalinski: I'll kill you.
(Gordon grabs Wayne by his shirt)
Wayne Szalinski: That hurts, Gordon!
Gordon Szalinski: Oh, does it hurt? Does that hurt?
Wayne Szalinski: Yeah! That hurts!
"Okay, I absolutely love Stuart Pankin in this scene. His reaction to being shrunk is priceless." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Diane and Patti return to drop Mitch's medication off and leave it in the kitchen with some blatant product placement from General Mills Cereal...
"Don't you hate it when movies do that kind of crap?" Sean asked before sipping on a can of Pepsi.
Sean: (Narrating) ...then they head upstairs to the attic to see what they're doing but they couldn't find them. Oh, yeah. They end up getting shrunk as well.
Patti Szalinski: Diane, what's going on here?
(They look around as the Back to the Future-style chime plays once more)
"Will you stop that, goddamn it?! You're not Alan Silvestri, so stop ripping off his music!" Sean yelled out.
Wayne Szalinski: Diane, something happened...
Diane Szalinski: Wayne?
Wayne Szalinski: Yes.
Diane Szalinski: Are we shrunk?
Wayne Szalinski: (Sighs) I'm not gonna lie to you. Yes, we are. I was at the machine, and I was just...
(Diane faints)
"And it was at that point where I stopped caring." Sean said.
Patti Szalinski: (To Gordon) How did this happen?
Gordon Szalinski: Well... (Chuckles It's sort of a funny story. We...
Patti Szalinski: And what is that Tiki thing doing here?
(Diane wakes up)
Diane Szalinski: "Tiki thing"?
(Diane notices the Tiki Man and laughs)
Diane Szalinski: Oh, I get it. You thought you could outsmart me, Wayne. You thought you could just shrink the TIki Man down, and I wouldn't notice. Well, guess what, Wayne? (Yells) I NOTICED!
"Uh, why you notice if he shrinks it? It seems like a perfect plan to keep it. Jesus. Chill, you crazy bitch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They climb up a wicker chair to try to get out of the attic and they see that the kids will notice something strange when they see their mother's car in the driveway. Until this happened.
(Patti's car backs out ot the driveway)
Patti Szalinski: We forgot to put the blocks in. I knew I heard a noise.
Wayne Szalinski: You should have those brakes looked at.
(Patti's car backs into the driveway of the house across the street. The kids return from the grocery store and they don't notice the car)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, really now? Three pipsqueaks didn't even notice the obvious ghost car backing into the driveway perfectly. Anyway, the kids return from the store and they bought some snacks. (Notices the Doritos bag and the Ruffles bag and Slurpee cups) Again, gotta love this movie's product placement.
"Look, movie. We get it. You want us to buy that product. No need to put any of that in your movie that would make us buy it." Sean said before he starts eating some Oreo cookies.
Sean: (Narrating) They hear Wayne's message on the answering machine and they assume that they have the whole house to themselves. Anyway, Wayne comes up with a plan to go down to Adam's room and Gordon points out the fishing reel that would send them down. As for the kids, they are planning to have the perfect night without parents.
Jenny Szalinski: I'm gonna invite all my friends over.
Adam Szalinski: I'm gonna eat anything I want.
Mitch Szalinski: I'm not gonna take my vitamins.
"Uh, are you serious? Kid, do you have a death wish?" Sean asked.
Suddenly, eerie music plays in the background, a cloud of smoke surrounds the room as Sean began to notice. His eyes widened in shock from the sight of a grim reaper-like character carrying a large blade in one hand, a metal, skull-like mask.
"Your angel of death awaits." The Phantasm said.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! Wait! Are you trying to kill me for reviewing this movie? Because if you are, then put me out of my misery right now." Sean said.
"Uh, no. I'm not here to kill you." The Phantasm said.
"Oh. How come?" Sean asked.
"Don't worry. You and I are cool. I'm actually going for the kid who shot Reverend Camden in that one episode of 7th Heaven." The Phantasm said, referring to Jake Richardson's character in the episode.
"Oh. Well, he didn't take his medication. So, I'm sure you'll be there to get him." Sean said.
"Oh, yeah. Why are you reviewing this movie?" The Phantasm asked.
"Because I promised to tackle the franchise." Sean said.
"Hope you get through this one. It sucks balls." The Phantasm said.
"I know, man. I know." Sean said.
"Want me to join you on this one, just in case you want me to put you out of your misery?" The Phantasm asked.
"No, I'm good. I'm gonna try to get through this one." Sean said.
Jenny SzalinskI: I am gonna play my music really loud.
Adam Szalinski: I'm not gonna wear any socks.
Mitch Szalinski: And I'm gonna bleach my hair.
(Jenny and Adam look at Mitch)
Jenny Szalinski: Okay. Look. We can all do whatever we want. But we have to make a pact this weekend.
"Okay, but promise me you won't join any more cults." Sean said. "Okay, that's my last joke about Allison Mack. I promise you."
Sean: (Narrating) Wayne and the others make it down to Adam's and as you see behind Wayne and Gordon with some bad CGI effects is Ripster from Street Sharks. Yeah, that's a Ripster action figure. How do I know this? Because I had a Street Sharks action figure when I was a kid.
"By the way, the effects are pretty bad, even for a direct-to-video movie." Sean said.
(Clips from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and Honey, I Blew Up the Kid are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) With the first film, it created the illusion of being shrunk to size and have everything trying to kill you. The visual effects look amazing as well as the stop-motion. The second film was pretty impressive as well because you have a giant baby marching through the streets of Las Vegas while electrical rays make him grow big. In this one, it looks cheap-looking with some questionable small effects and some bad CGI. You can tell that your movie is a direct-to-video release when they use green screen effects.
"So yeah. The visual effects in the series went from awesome to eww." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gordon has an idea to get the kids' attention by making their voices full-sized and Wayne suggests that he can rewire the stereo so they can talk through the speakers. Yeah, that's not how speakers work, dude. And to get out of Adam's room, they hop aboard Adam's Sharkruiser down the Hot Wheels race track.
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) This movie is brought to you by Mattel.
(The Mattel logo is shown)
Adam Szalinski: (Startsi singing as he enters his room) Great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts. Mutilated monkey meat, dirty little birdy feet. French fried eyeballs, swimming in a pool of blood me without my spoon.
Wayne, Diane, Gordon and Patti: (Yelling) Adam!
Adam Szalinski: (Sings) But I've got a straw!
"Yeah, you should see him sing The Barber of Seville." Sean said, referencing The Little Rascals.
Sean: (Narrating) They jump in the Sharkruiser and they head down the Hot Wheels race track and I have to admit, that does look fun. It looks like it should be a rollercoaster at Disneyland.
Wayne Szalinski: Hold on! It's a jump!
(The toy car overshoots the jump and they fall down into the laundry chute. The screen cuts to black and we hear a thud sound effect. The song "O Danny Boy" plays in the background as we see a picture of Wayne, Diane, Gordon and Patti in the Sharkruiser while the words "In Loving Memory of The Szalinskis" is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I'm kidding. They survive that fall into the laundry basket. After Adam and Mitch make a mess in the kitchen by baking a chili volcano, they grab the laundry basket and get ready to do the laundry. Then, Adam asks his cousin what if their parents never came back.
Mitch Szalinski: Do you think it could happen?
Adam Szalinski: No, I'm just saying, what if.
Mitch Szalinski: Yeah. Well, I don't think I'd miss them that much. I mean, I like it when they take me places. And I sort of wish my mom was here, to, uh, clean up the mess in the kitchen.
Patti Szalinski: What am I your servant? (Yelps)
Adam Szalinski: Yeah. You know, mostly parents just live to nag and hassle you. They just want to turn you into a brain box like my Dad.
Wayne Szalinski: "Brain box?"
Sean: (V/O as Wayne) I take offense at that, you little shit!
Mitch Szalinski: I bet my parents wish I didn't have a medical problem.
Adam Szalinski: What do you have, anyway? I mean, you don't seem that sick.
Mitch Szalinski: It's called hypokalemic paralysis. It's a genetic thing. You wouldn't understand.
"Hey, I learned about hypokalemic paralysis when I was a kid when I watched this movie. If you want to know what hypokalemic paralysis is, it's a rare, autosomal dominant channelopathy characterized by muscle weakness or paralysis when there is a fall in potassium levels..." Sean said.
Audience Members: Shut up, nerd!
"Fine. So much for educating you. Assholes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Adam and Mitch go to his room so Adam can show him something that his dad doesn't even know about. And I have to admit, I did laugh at this part because the reveal is so damn hilarious.
Adam Szalinski: It's mega-secret, okay? If my Dad found out I had this, he'd go ballistic.
Mitch Szalinski: What is it?
Adam Szalinski: (Whispers) Watch out. Here it is.
(Wayne, Diane, Gordon and Patti look on as Adam shows Mitch something)
Mitch Szalinski: Oh, my gosh!
(Adam giggles)
Adam Szalinski: Oh, check it out.
Mitch Szalinski: No! That's rad!
Adam Szalinski: Look at that!
Mitch Szalinski: Oh, my.
Adam Szalinski: Oh, yes!
Wayne and Diane: (Both) Did you know about this?
Diane Szalinski: We are so sorry!
(Diane nudges Wayne with her elbow)
Wayne Szalinski: Oh! Sorry.
Mitch Szalinski: Come on. We better get down there before Queen Hell Jenny gets really mad.
Adam Szalinski: We'll look at this later.
(Adam and Mitch leave the room after Adam drops the magazine on the floor. After they leave, Wayne climbs on top of the magazine)
Diane Szalinski: Wayne, what are you doing?
Wayne Szalinski: Diane, I have to know what we're dealing with here.
(Wayne looks at the magazine and he is surprised to see what it is)
Wayne Szalinski: I didn't see this coming.
(The camera zooms out, revealing a Sports Illustrated for Kids magazine)
"Hell, it would've been more funnier if it was the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated." Sean said as the cover of the 1996 swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated is shown. On the cover, it features Valeria Mazza and Tyra Banks on it.
Sean: (Narrating) And since the parents are away, the kids decide to break the rules and throw a party as Jenny's friend Holly, played by Lisa Wilhoit, shows up with the chips, CDs, dip and the bubble machine.
Jenny Szalinski: A bubble machine?
(A clip from the Bubble Thing commercial is shown)
Nostalgia Critic: (V/O) Fucking bubbles!
Holly (Played by Lisa Wilhoit): Yeah. It's the coolest thing. The bubbles will go great with the streamers.
Jenny SzalinskI: Okay. You're the cheerleader. (Closes the door) Now let's get ready to party.
"Well, since it's a 90s movie, you gotta have that setting up for the party montage." Sean said.
(We get a montage of Jenny, Holly, Adam and Mitch setting everything up for the party. Then we cut to Sean entering the house with a 12-pack of Heineken)
Sean: (Narrating) After that fun little montage, and more of the movie throwing some of it's product placement in our faces. (Sees the cans of Diet Coke on the table) I'm lookin' at you Diet Coke.
"Just hope to God that Batman doesn't go on a rampage over some Diet Coke." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) More of Jenny's friends show up. You have Jody, played by Erica Luttrell, who would go on to voice Cheetah in Injustice 2, Corky played by Ashleigh Sterling and...
Jill (Played by Mila Kunis): Hey, Jen.
All: Hi.
"What the shit? Hold it! Hold it! Freeze right there!" Sean exclaimed.
(The movie pauses and the camera zooms in on Jill)
Sean: (Narrating) Is that Mila Kunis?
"No! No, no way that's not her. It can't be. Hold on just one second, I'm going to check the cast list on IMDB. I'm pretty sure that's..." Sean said. His eyes widened in shock to see that Mila Kunis is in the movie. "Kill me. Kill me right fuckin' now."
The Phantasm then appears from the fog and gets ready to kill Sean.
"Sean J. Archer, your angel of death awaits." The Phantasm said, raising his large blade.
"I was just saying, you moron!" Sean exclaimed.
"Sorry." The Phantasm said.
Sean: (Narrating) I don't believe this. That is a young Mila Kunis in a bad movie. Yeah, this is before she played Jackie in That 70s Show and Meg Griffin in Family Guy. This is her film debut.
"Hell, while I'm at it, maybe I should go back in time and tell her not to do Jupiter Ascending." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And you want to know what's funny? You have Mila Kunis and Lisa Wilhoit in the same movie together. Yeah, remember the time Meg Griffin and Connie D'Amico were friends with Chloe Sullivan?
"God, I would forget that right now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Adam is surprised that Jill is at his house, mostly because he has a crush on her and that she's awesome at playing baseball. So, Adam and Mitch decide to stay for the party.
Adam Szalinski: Um, Jenny?
Jenny Szalinski: What?
Adam Szalinski: We changed our minds, so, we'll be your slaves.
Jenny Szalinski: Great.
Mitch Szalinski: We will?
Adam Szalinski: Yes.
"Oh, I think that Adam is experiencing puberty right now. And he's definitely experiencing a little something right now as well when he saw Jill." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back to Wayne and the others, he explains to us what he's doing wrong. He then comes across some roach turds and cracks open a wet one, until a giant cockroach chase after them.
"Remember in the first film when the kids encounter a broom, a bee, a sprinkler going off and a giant scorpion?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, here. They just lure the cockroach in a bug trap.
(The cockroach enters the bug trap)
Diane Szalinski: Oh! (Yelps) His antennae touched me!
(Gordon and Patti make their way to the exit, but Diane ends up getting stuck in the trap)
Diane Szalinski: Oh, no, my shoe! I'm stuck!
Wayne Szalinski: Come on, we better get outta here!
Diane Szalinski: I'm stuck. I can't get my foot out! Wayne!
"To hell with that bitch! Leave her! Let her be cockroach food. She wouldn't let you keep Tiki Man." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Wayne saves Diane and they easily defeat the cockroach.
(The four of them start laughing after surviving their encounter with the cockroach)
Wayne Szalinski: We did it! Huh? Szalinskis check in?
Gordon Szalinski: And they do check out!
"Hey, we survived getting killed by a cockroach, but we can still have a great laugh about this." Sean said as he starts laughing.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with the kids, the party is on and the girls play a little game of truth or dare.
Holly: Jenny, truth or dare. Do you love Ricky King?
(The girl laugh)
Jenny Szalinski: Dare.
(The girls gasp and make a shocked look on their faces)
"Shouldn't you follow it up with a triple dog dare? Also, you're not playing truth or dare right. You don't ask the question before they choose truth or dare." Sean said.
Holly: Then your dare is, you have to call Ricky up and tell him you think he's cute!
(The girls squeal and chatter as they hand Jenny the phone)
Jenny Szalinski: Hi, Ricky? Jenny Szalinski. Oh, I'm just having a party with some of my friends, at my uncle's house.
"Uh, how the hell did they get Ricky on the phone so fast? What? Did they have him on speed dial?" Sean asked.
Jenny Szalinski: Listen, um, I just called to tell you... The reason I was calling you... I think you're cute.
(The girls scream)
(A clip from That 70s Show is shown)
Jackie Burkhart (Played by Mila Kunis): I just totally forgot why I was laughing.
Sean: (Narrating) While that riveting game of truth or dare is going on, the parents are looking for a way down, but they see that Mitch is struggling without his medication.
Wayne Szalinski: What's wrong?
Patti Szalinski: If he doesn't get some potassium in his system right away, he could pass out! We've gotta get downstairs to the kitchen and get those pills.
"Any ideas on how to get downstairs?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, just one as they head to the bubble machine which is going to be their way down. Yeah, this is where I call bullshit on that one. They split up with the wives heading to the kitchen while Wayne and Gordon head to the stereo.
Gordon Szalinski: Are you going to be okay doing this?
Patti Szalinski: I know I've never been a very brave person. But for some reason, right now I don't know fear.
(A clip from If Looks Could Kill is shown)
Patricia Grober (Played by Robin Bartlett): The bar's closed!
(She fires an Uzi at the chandelier, causing it to fall and crash onto the champagne glasses that are filled with poisoned champagne)
Wayne SzalinskI: When I thought the cockroach was gonna eat you, I never been so scared in my whole life. I love everything about you, Diane, and I promise things are gonna get better.
Diane SzalinskI: (Chuckles) Oh, you don't know how glad I am to hear you say that. I love everything about you too.
(Wayne gets ready to kiss her, but Diane backs away)
Diane Szalinski: You know, except for this shrinking stuff.
"Does that mean I can still keep the Tiki Man?" Sean asked, imitating Wayne.
Tayor: (V/O as Diane, offscreen) No!
"Damn." Sean said, imitating Wayne once more.
Sean: (Narrating) Diane and Patti jump through the bubble machine to float down to the kitchen, while Wayne and Gordon make their way to the stereo, but they end up taking a wrong turn as Jenny turns on the air conditioning and it sends them to a chandelier. Hey, this movie is about to be good. At least I get to see a death involved.
Wayne Szalinski: Gordon.
Gordon Szalinski: Yeah?
Wayne Szalinski: Before you die, there's a bright light, isn't there?
Gordon Szalinski: Yeah.
(The bubble floats to the chandelier and pops as Wayne and Gordon fall)
Adam Szalinski: Chip and dip is served.
(Wayne and Gordon land into some onion dip as Adam sits the bowl of down on the table)
Wayne Szalinski: Gordon. We're alive. (Laughs)
"Damn it!" Sean exclaimed as he slammed his fists down on the table.
Gordon Szalinski: Let's get out of here before we're eaten.
Wayne Szalinski: Relax, Gordon. They're teenage girls. How much could they eat?
(The girls circle around the bowl)
Wayne and Gordon: (Screams) No!
Sean: (Narrating) Wayne and Gordon try to swim away from being eaten by the girls, but Jill ends up making a mess and they land on the table.
Jenny Szalinski: Jill. You're making a mess!
Jill: Well, this stuff is really good. What's in it?
Wayne Szalinski: The Szalinski brothers.
"Hey, just be glad you didn't get devoured by a bunch of hungry teenage girls. Serves you right for almost eating your son while he was in a bowl of Cheerios." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Wayne and Gordon get cleaned up after surviving their brush with death as they see their sons talking to girls.
Gordon Szalinski: But the guy that really impresses me is Adam. He seems so cool, confident.
Wayne SzalinskI: Yeah, he's so different from me. You know, I was a complete loser when I was that age. And when I was a teenager. And through most of college. Heck, I only met Diane 'cause I bashed into her car.
"Well, that's one hell of a way to meet a woman. You bash into their car and you end up marrying her. Can you imagine something like this happening to someone?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, who's playing the driver of the white Ford Explorer, getting out of his car as he approaches the beautiful blonde woman, played by Taylor, who was driving her red Nissan Maxima)
Sean: Oh, man. I am so sorry that I hit your car.
Taylor: It's fine. It's not that bad. What's important is that nobody got hurt.
Sean: Yeah.
(Sean and Taylor both stay silent for a bit before Sean says something)
Sean: Will you marry me?
Taylor: Sure, I'll marry you. Just make sure that when we have kids that you won't shrink them.
Sean: Oh, don't worry. I'm not.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Wayne and Gordon make their way over to the stereo, until an unexpected guest shows up in front of the Szalinski's doorstep. Jenny answers it and she sees that her crush Ricky King, played by JoJo Adams, shows up with his friends Vince and Trey played by Bryson Aust and Theodore Borders, respectively.
Gordon Szalinski: Oh, great. Teenage boys. There are now teenage boys at this party.
Wayne Szalinski: Hey! My stereo!
Gordon Szalinski: Hey, my daughter.
"I do not trust this Ricky King character. He's gonna end up taking my daughter's virginity in your bedroom." Sean said, imitating Gordon.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Diane and Patti make it to the kitchen and they try to find a way up to the counter to get Mitch's medicine, and along the way they come across the daddy longlegs that she left alive from earlier. So they do what anyone in their right mind would, hide. Until they see that it's caught in a spider web.
Patti Szalinski: (To the daddy longlegs) Daddy, we're your friends. We come in peace.
Sean: (V/O as Daddy Longlegs): Who the hell are you? Why are you walking towards me?
Patti Szalinski: (Laughs nervously) I think he understood me. Um... Diane. Do you have a, um... A nail file?
Diane Szalinski: Yes.
Patti Szalinski: Okay. 'Cause while I'm filing, I want you to talk to him.
"Uh, Patti. Now is not the time to give the daddy longlegs a pedicure." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I'm guessing the daddy longlegs is this movie's version of the ant from the first film. They free the daddy longlegs after Diane talks to it. Just go with it. I'm losing tons of brain cells from watching this movie. And get ready for stupidity.
(The daddy longlegs walks up the cabinet as Diane and Patti watch)
Patti Szalinski: Hey, that's it. Diane, that's our ride! (To the daddy longlegs) Come back! Come back!
Diane Szalinski: Daddy, come back. We need you!
(The words "A Few Moments Later" is shown)
Narrator: A few moments later...
(We see that Diane and Patti are clinging onto the daddy longlegs' silk while it's walking up the cabinet)
Patti Szalinski: So tell me how you do that again?
Diane Szalinski: Okay. So then I just toss in some garbanzo beans and crumble in some tortilla chips, and I call it a Mexican salad.
(A clip from McJuggerNuggets is shown)
Psycho Dad: What the hell is even that?!
"You can't be serious, movie! I've seen some stupid shit in my day, but this! What am I seeing here?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So, you make the cockroach evil while you make the daddy longlegs nice? That is stupid. So meanwhile, the party is still going on and Ricky King and his friends are being assholes. Wayne and Gordon make it to the stereo while Wayne heads inside and Gordon climbs up the speaker. Also, Mitch is getting a little loopy without his medication. While that's going on, Ricky King takes Jenny to the kitchen to tell her something important while Diane and Patti sees this.
Ricky King (Played by JoJo Adams): I think you're awesome.
Patti Szalinski: Awesome? Don't fall for it, Jenny. He's just giving you a line.
Jenny SzalinskI: You do? You think I'm awesome?
Ricky King: Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're cooler than all the other girls.
Jenny Szalinski: (Exhales) Um, so what is it you wanted to tell me?
Ricky King: Nothing. Mostly I just wanted to do this.
(Ricky kisses Jenny without her permission)
"Whoa! Dude! You're getting a little rapey with her. I should get the chick from Sudden Impact to shoot you in the balls." Sean said.
Jenny Szalinski: (Pushes Ricky away) What are you doing?
Ricky King: Kissing you.
Jenny Szalinski: Well, uh, you didn't ever ask.
Ricky King: Ask what?
Jenny Szalinski: Ask if I wanted to kiss you.
Ricky King: What are you talking about?
Jenny Szalinski: You just assume that I wanted you to kiss me. I mean, I don't even know you. And even if I did know you and we talked and you got to know me, and you asked me if I wanted to kiss, I might've been into it. But the way you did it was just wrong.
Ricky King: Well, lots of girls like that.
"Ladies, be on the lookout for this douchebag. He can be a bit rapey." Sean said as a picture of Ricky King on a wanted poster is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Jenny tells Ricky to piss off and that the party is over, which Diane and Patti cheered her on for taking care of herself. And speaking of taking care of yourself, Adam and Mitch enter the kitchen to look for Mitch's pills because he's not doing too hot. Diane and Patti come across his pill and they manage to get his attention and Mitch notices. About time he does. I wonder how he's going to react.
Mitch Szalinski: (Sees his mom and Diane) Mom?
Patti Szalinski: Yeah!
(Mitch faints)
"Well, he took that pretty well." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No, it turns out that he fainted due to his potassium deficiency, and the important thing that I learned from watching this movie when I was little was that bananas have potassium. And with quick thinking, Adam and Jenny manage to feed Mitch pieces of banana and he begins to recover.
Mitch Szalinski: Hi, guys.
Jenny Szalinski: Hey, MItch. How you feelin'?
Mitch Szalinski: A little dizzy. But okay, I guess. I saw Mom on the counter.
Jenny Szalinski: (Chuckles) Sure. Right.
Mitch Szalinski: I did. And she was... she was really, really small.
"Okay, I think Mitch is getting a little loopy. Give this kid some more bananas, stat!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But all hell breaks loose during the party when Ricky King and his asshole friends start wrecking the joint. Jenny tries to get them to leave but with him being a complete dickhead, he just wants to stay. Adam can't stand seeing Ricky being a jerk to his cousin so he stands up to him.
Adam Szalinski: Did you not hear her? She said the party's over. So why don't you leave before you cause any more damage?
Ricky King: What? Your dad's stupid inventions?
Adam Szalinski: His inventions are not stupid. His shrink ray's going to the Smithsonian.
Ricky King: I didn't know your dad invented a shrink ray. What does he shrink it with? Hemorrhoids?
(The girls and Ricky's friends start laughing)
Adam Szalinski: That is not funny.
Ricky King: Admit it, Adam. Your dad's a loser.
"Go ahead, Adam. Punch him. Punch him like you did to Butch." Sean said as a clip from The Little Rascals is shown, featuring a scene where Alfalfa punches Butch.
Sean: (Narrating) Before Ricky King kills Adam, Wayne rewires the stereo so that Gordon can talk and amplify his voice.
Gordon Szalinski: (On the speaker) Listen! Listen to me, children. I want you all to stop what you are doing!
Ricky King: Who said that?
Gordon Szalinski: This is the voice of G... God. Yes! God is talking to you. And I want you all to leave this house!
Mitch Szalinski: (To Jenny) God sounds a lot like Dad.
Jenny Szalinski: Yeah, you're right.
"That's because it is your father, you nitwits." Sean said.
Ricky King: It's just a trick.
Gordon Szalinski: Is that so, Ricky King? Then how come I know you liv on Sycamore? Your dad's name is Mel. And your mom is... Cindy!
Ricky King: This is getting weird.
Gordon Szalinski: Now I said I want you out!
"And if you put your hands on my daughter again, I'll kill you. I'll kill you good." Sean said, imitating Gordon.
Sean: (Narrating) Ricky King and the others leave and Adam and his cousins finally see their parents and they gather them up to the attic and now it's up to the children to return them back to normal size.
Mitch Szalinski: What happens now?
Jenny Szalinski: We wait until it hits critical mass, and then push this button.
Adam Szalinski: Wait a minute. Do we really want to do this? I mean, I got a hamster cage in my room. I mean, we could leave 'em shrunk, and they'll never tell us what to do again.
"Jesus, Adam. That's a bit dark! I know that your dad turned you into a giant when you were a baby, but damn. How sadistic are you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) They manage to unshrink them, despite Adam's sinister intentions and the children are reunited with their parents. Wayne tells Adam that he should've listened to him when he didn't want to science camp, so he sends him to baseball camp. He also makes Gordon the president of Szalinski Labs and he returns to inventing. So the film ends with Wayne, Diane and Adam returning home from baseball camp and Wayne having a fondness for baseball and...
(Adam eyes grow big as he sees that the Tiki Man has grew twice the height of the house)
Sean: (V/O as Adam) Uh, Dad? (V/O as Wayne) Yes, son? (V/O as Adam) Did you blow up the Tiki Man? (V/O as Wayne) Yes, I did. I blew up the Tiki Man.
"And that was Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves and honey, you messed up the sequel." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Boy, talk about a letdown. The humor is nonexistent, except for some clever jokes that made me laugh. There's no tension in it and they don't encounter anything threatening, which makes it boring. But as I mentioned before, this is Rick Moranis' final film before retiring and for a film that bad, he's giving it his all as well as the other actors like Stuart Pankin, Eve Gordon and Robin Bartlett. The movie rehashes ideas from the first film, in unimaginative, unoriginal and it has some embarrassingly bad visual effects. The film is only an 1hr. 14min., It exercises all of the 90s cliches without the 90s warmth and heart. After this movie was released, I read that the film series will continue with the soft reboot Shrunk, and it stars Josh Gad as Nick Szalinski. And aside from Joe Johnston returning to the franchise to direct this film, you have Rick Moranis coming out of semi-retirement to reprise his role as Wayne Szalinski, and you know what, I'm looking forward to check it out when it releases on Disney Plus. If you like the first two films, then skip this one. Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves comes in at 3 roach turds out of 5.
"And that's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and..." Sean said, only to be interrupted by the sound of eerie music playing in the background.
"Mitch Szalinski, your angel of death..." The Phantasm said.
"He's alright. He lived." Sean said.
"Oh, damn." The Phantasm said. He then removed his mask, revealing himself to be Andrea Beaumont, who's played by Taylor. "Jeez, I can't kill anyone. Am I out of touch?"
"Hey, I survived reviewing a bad sequel and I already did Sequelitis Month four years ago. You know what you need. You need a vacation." Sean said.
Andrea gives Sean a look of curiousity. "What do you have in mind?"
(We cut to Sean and Andrea Beaumont a.k.a. the Phantasm, sitting by the pool at a fancy hotel. Sean is wearing some black swimtrunks while Andrea is wearing a sexy purple string bikini while drinking a watermelon mojito)
"Ah, I really needed this vacation." Sean said.
"I know. Me too. We both needed it. Are you sure Taylor won't mind?" Andrea asked.
"I'm sure she won't mind. Besides, I needed to get away from her. I think she wants to kill me for that PMS joke that I made while reviewing the movie." Sean said.
"Who do you think hired me?" Andrea asked.
Sean then turns to Andrea and gave her a look. "Taylor hired you to kill me?"
"Yeah, but nevermind. I'll just go after Chad Knight." Andrea said.
"Good choice." Sean said before sipping his glass of lemonade and sighed in relaxation before turning his attention to the camera. "I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I am definitely enjoying this vacation."
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I really need this vacation.
And we did it, we tackled the Honey, I Shrunk the Kids franchise. I hope you all enjoyed this review of Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves. What did you think of this movie and what did you think of this review? Any funny bits that you like? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's time for another Top 11 Countdown as Sean revisits one of the greatest sitcoms of all time Married... With Children, as he takes a look at some of his favorite episodes in The Top 11 Funniest Married... With Children Episodes. Then after the Top 11 countdown, it's the review of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Feel free to review the new chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you want to join in on the Top 11 Funniest Married... With Children countdown or if you want to request a movie or a nostalgic TV show for me to review, feel free to PM me or leave a comment in the reviews. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.
