JENNIE

I never thought I would be that person. Weak and needy. I pick up my phone and text Lisa before I change my mind.

J: What are you doing? I'd like to see you.

I regret it the moment I hit send. I wait ten minutes before I hear the ding of an answer.

L: Sorry. I'm busy tonight.

I groan. It's been weeks since Lisa and I have spoken. That clip of an answer tells me it's not going to happen any time soon either. If at all. I don't blame her. I assumed things I shouldn't have. I turn on the television and sit on the couch as though this is a nightly routine for me, but it isn't. Winston Interior decorated my place beautifully, and it's nice to come home to a place that feels classy and still like a home.

I'm restless though. I need to be out and be around people.

It's nine, and the closest bar is the Phoenix. It's only a few blocks away and one of my favorite hangout spots. I find a pair of black leggings and an oversized sweater. I know the bar will be hot, but the temperature outside is cool. I pull my hair up and leave a few tendrils down. It's a completely different look for me, but I like it. I don't look like a judge. I look like a woman who wants to be out on the town. I add a pair of black ankle boots with a small heel to complete my look. The only thing missing is makeup. I spend several minutes getting the perfect smoky look with eyeliner, eye shadow, and thick mascara. I finish with my favorite lipstick, smack my lips together, and smile. God, I miss lipstick. I miss dressing up and feeling pretty. My weekend with Nayeon was weeks ago. I'm tired of wearing black robes and pulling my hair back in a severe bun almost every day. I deserve this spontaneous outing. I walk to the Phoenix, thankful this area of town is so well lit.

"It's been a while, Judge." The bouncer knows I'm into women, but he flirts with me anyway.

"Hey, Tony. It has, but I'm glad to be out tonight. Who's on stage?"

"A newbie. Hey, my break's in ten. Let me buy you a drink."

"You're married with two small children at home."

He nudges my shoulder with his. "Just an innocent drink."

He's attractive, charming, and I have a feeling messing around is a perk for him. I don't judge him. "I'll pass. Just sit anywhere?"

Tony waves his hand across the room. I choose a small table near the bar and order a glass of white wine. This is the kind of joint where the music is so loud that conversation is pointless. I can blend in and be a part of something without any effort. The music is great, and everyone in the place is having a good time. It's not packed, but people are close. There are obvious couples and some single people like me. I wave off two men who approach me and tell them I'm only here for the wine and the music. They are respectful, but I can tell by the way they keep looking at me that I'm still on their minds.

My table faces the stage and the front door. I catch some of the cool air that wafts in from new patrons or ones who leave the bar, and it's refreshing. I'm not a fan of the changing seasons, but right now the coolness feels good. I take a sip of wine and close my eyes as the music slows. I open them just in time to see Lisa and a woman walk into the bar. Different emotions cross her face when she sees me. I'm in shock, but I manage to hold my expression still and slowly tilt my wineglass in her direction in acknowledgement.

She stumbles over her date, who has stopped by the door, either confused by where to go or waiting for her eyes to adjust. Lisa looks flustered, and I smirk and stare at them until they're ushered to a table on the other side of the bar. I can still see them, but it's hard to detect Lisa's expressions in the darkness of the room and the brightness of the stage. Their body language isn't fluid like people who are comfortable with one another. Tonight just got very interesting. I catch her looking at me far too many times, and I never look away. I'm sure people notice that my attention is on them, but I don't care. One of the guys tries to buy me a drink again, and I thank him but inform him nothing's going to happen, and I'd prefer for him to leave me alone.

When I look at Lisa again, she seems tense and isn't trying to hide her disdain for the man. I can't imagine her date is happy with her total emotional involvement in me. Her date looks at me several times, and each time our eyes meet, her mouth folds into a frown. I finish my wine and order a water and wait. I barely hear the music, but I nod to its constant beat. I can't shake Lisa from my thoughts.

The excitement of her so close, yet so unavailable, is overwhelming.

I avoid eye contact when Lisa's date walks by on her way to the ladies' room. I'm ready to leave anyway. My relaxing evening has crashed and burned. There's a slight chance of something far more exciting, but I don't have a feel yet for how the night will play out.

I stand, throw money on the table, and slowly make my way out of the bar. Before I cross the threshold, I look over my shoulder and find Lisa in the crowd. She's staring at me. Game on. I hustle and make it back to my loft in less than ten minutes.

"Somebody may be stopping by in the next hour. Her name is Lisa Manoban. Please send her up."

"Will do, Ms. Kim." The doorman nods respectfully. I'm so happy discretion is part of his job.

I head up to my place. I could hang out at in the giant foyer with couches and chairs scattered about and wait to see if she shows up, but if she doesn't, I'd feel dumb sitting there. Being alone at a jazz bar is different than being alone in an almost-empty lounge.

I have a feeling Lisa will be joining me within the hour. I leave my door ajar, flip on some 40s big-band music to keep the vibe going and pour two whiskeys. I look out at the city I love. It doesn't have the wow factor that Vegas does or the beautiful beaches with soft sand of Malibu, but it has its own charms.

"Is this for me?"

I don't turn but smile at her reflection in the large window. "I thought you were busy tonight?"

She locks the door and drapes her coat on the couch. "I was, but not anymore." She moves closer until she's beside me.

I finally look her in the eyes. "What changed your mind?" I know the answer, but I want her to say it.

"Your lips."

"Are you sure about this? I mean, we left things undecided."

I cross my arms, my drink still in my hand. I want her to say the words.

"I'm sure. I don't know what was wrong with me. I'm sorry for leaving without a good explanation. I've missed you the last few weeks."

I pull her close to me and kiss her. She smells like sage and tastes like the sharp whiskey I've poured for her. "How did you get out of your date?"

"It wasn't a date."

"It looked a lot like one." I set my glass down. She puts her glass on the windowsill and pulls me to her until I'm flush against her. I put my hands on her chest and play with the buttons on her shirt. I've missed her confidence and the excitement that dances in her eyes. "Let me rephrase. How are you here right now, when less than an hour ago you were with another woman who wasn't your date?"

"Are you jealous?"

"No." I shrug.

She smiles. "No?"

I shake my head. "No, because I know you're not fucking her."

"Would you be jealous if I were?"

I gauge my reaction and find that I wouldn't be. I haven't felt jealousy or rage in years. I would feel sad at the loss. What we have can't be matched. Seeing Lisa with her date only bumped my heart rate up a notch. Not because I was jealous, but because it was her. No one has ever matched my sexual appetite before now. I could care less about the woman with her. "No."

She laughs. "I totally believe you."

"You and I have something special. I know you want to put a label on it, but the only thing I want, at the moment, is for you to fuck me."

She reaches for my sweater and pulls it over my head. "Let's go upstairs. Your bed's far more comfortable than your couch."

I unbutton her shirt as she pulls me up the stairs to my bedroom.

By the time we're at the bed, her shirt is off and my bra undone. Her hands are on my breasts. I'm trying desperately to take her pants off.

She's warm and hard, and I'm getting wet just thinking about what she's going to do to me in the next few minutes.

"Can we play with your sex machine?"

"After you fuck me first." Nobody has ever watched me fuck myself with it. The idea of Lisa watching sends chills across my body and makes my already hardened nipples ache. I need the quick relief of Lisa's hands and mouth on my body, and then we can bring out the toy. I pull her onto the bed and lift my hips so she can take off my leggings. She crawls off the bed to remove her pants and boxers, and much to my surprise, she returns completely naked.

She's never been fully nude with me before. "How am I wearing more than you are?"

She laughs, removes my panties, and crawls between my legs. Our pussies touch, and we both moan at the contact. She isn't smooth like I am but trimmed. The friction of her soft hair rubbing against my engorged clit makes me cry out. She licks her lips before kissing me. I find that I've miss that about her. Her tongue plunges deep into my mouth and swirls around my tongue. I scratch my nails down her back and over her ass. She grinds against me, and I lift my hips to greet her thrusts. I don't want to come this way. I break the kiss. "I want you inside me." I run my thumb over her already-swollen bottom lip. "And your mouth on my clit."

She rolls on her back and pulls me on top of her. She squeezes my breasts and pinches my nipples exactly how I like. "Turn around." She makes a twirling motion with her finger.

I turn as instructed and place my knees on either side of her head. "Like this?" I ask. I don't need an answer because she pulls my pussy onto her face. I can't reach hers with my mouth because she's so tall, but I start rubbing it with my fingers. It's hard to concentrate when she's tongue-fucking me, but I touch her enough to get her hips rolling into my hand. "Can I go inside?"

She nods, and I slip into her tight, wet, pussy. She stops licking me and moans. This isn't something she's used to, so I go slow. I don't want to scratch her. I hate myself right now for having long nails. She feels so smooth and slick. I want to taste her because she's allowing me to touch her. I've always put my own orgasm first, but tonight's special. I know Lisa won't always allow me to touch her, so I pull up from her mouth and crawl down her. I lick her smooth, velvety clit. I lap up her juices and press my entire mouth over her.

Her hips buck into me, and I press my hands on her thighs to slow her motions. I know how much mobility she has when she's fucking me.

Her fingers slip inside me, and I gasp with pleasure. I push up to my knees to allow her more room. She bends her knees and gives me the same courtesy. Her orgasm hits first. She's quiet. I'll have bruises from the hand that's squeezing my thigh, but I don't stop until she squirms. She pulls me back to her mouth, and I move my hips back and forth while her tongue moves side to side. I throw my head back and come loudly. I stop her from giving me another one.

I want to save it for later.

"I've missed you," she says.

I crawl off her and flop down beside her. "You've missed my pussy."

"I've missed fucking you," she says. She rolls over and runs her fingertips over my breasts. "When I saw you tonight, I knew where I wanted to be."

Her confession unsettles me. I need to get out of my own head.

A part of me sees Lisa as a victory, but also a small part is relieved that she's here. That she's come back to me.

"It's been a while," I say.

"Maybe we should have like one night a month where we get together. You know, like a book club."

I can't help but laugh. She joins in. I like it when she laughs at her own jokes. "You mean like every third Thursday of each month?

I like the way we're doing things now. Let's not complicate things with a schedule or rules." I roll so I face her. "This is okay, right?"

She brushes her fingertips over my breasts. "This is definitely okay, but can I have more?"

I raise my eyebrow at her. "More as in the sex machine?"

She nods enthusiastically. "I've never seen one before."

I give her a look.

"Okay. I mean in real life," she says.

"It's not a very big one. I figure if work gets too busy and I get too busy for even our kind of get-togethers, I'm going to invest in one that needs its own room."

"We can make the third Thursday of every month a thing."

I get up and pinch her playfully. The sex machine is in the bottom of my closet. I put on my robe and pull it out while Lisa slips into the bathroom. It's set up when she returns. I take a minute to appreciate her muscular tone. "You're gorgeous."

She waves me off and blushes. "Thank you. Now let's see this contraption."

I hand her the remote and the lube. "It's all yours."

"Oh, no. I'm not doing this."

My robe falls to the floor, and I climb into bed. "I don't mean that." I spread my legs as she puts the machine between them.

"Move it closer."

"This is heavy," she says. "So, what do I do?"

I scoot down so that the tip of the dildo, our dildo, is right at my slit. "Angle it down a little more."

She can barely contain her excitement as she places it where I direct her. "Now what?"

She kneels between my legs and adds lube at my direction. My pussy clenches when her fingers rub up and down my still-sensitive clit. "You have control."

She kisses my thigh softly. "I always have control."

I press the dildo gently inside me. The size always takes my breath away. After I get comfortable with it, I nod. She breaks into the biggest smile and turns it on. It starts off slow, and as much as I want to reach down and touch myself, I hold off. Lisa's delight is too much of a turn-on to come right away.

"Oh, my God," she whispers repeatedly as she watches the machine fuck me. I'm concentrating so much on her that it's difficult to relax and appreciate my own pleasure. I drop my head onto the pillow and close my eyes. Her fingertips press along the inside of my knees as she moves closer. "You're so beautiful, Jennie. So open and free."

"Faster," I say.

She obliges and hits the button again. I arch my back as the dildo moves faster and deeper. Tears well in the corner of my eyes as I try to process my sexual gratification.

Because the girth of the dildo is so big, my clit is stretched and almost numb. My body twitches when I finally feel her frenzied touch on it. I almost tell her to stop because I'm going to come fast, but she's so turned on that I let her have my orgasm. It rips from my body, igniting a fire that pushes out every pore and leaves me a sweaty mess.

She turns off the machine and moves it from the bed.

"I'm going to have to change the sheets." My voice is hoarse and scratchy since I've been gasping for breath.

Lisa kisses my dry mouth. "That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen."

My laugh sounds strained. "That was very exhausting."

"Thank you so much for using it and letting me watch. Wow."

She reaches for my hand and interlocks her fingers with mine, which feels unfamiliar. It's personal and comfortable, but I don't pull away.

"How did that feel? And should I be worried that a machine might be better?"

"It's for pleasure only—no excitement other than the orgasm it gives me. It doesn't smell like sandalwood or sage or taste like whiskey. It doesn't rip down my panties when I want to have sex. It can't read me like y—" I stumble a bit. "Like people can."

"Like me, you mean. Or are there others?"

I look at her. "Did you just ask if we're exclusive?" I push aside the hand job I got a few weeks ago out in California. "Besides, I already know you aren't." Her laughter stings a bit, and I wonder if I'm somewhat jealous after all.

I purse my lips as I think about my promiscuity. I'll have to reel in my encounters since I'm a judge now. The last thing my career needs is a scandal. I'm a single woman with a healthy sexual appetite, but I still have a reputation to uphold. Maybe I need to concentrate on a real relationship, not just a fuck buddy. The thought gives me an ache in the pit of my stomach. It's cute when other people, like Nayeon and Orlando, have dinner dates and go to movies, but it's just not something I've ever wanted. At least not since college. This is why politicians are riddled with scandals. We have an image that people want to see, but we're flawed just like they are, so we fake it.

At least that's how I see it, but nobody's perfect.

"I'd love to find somebody who's okay with my schedule and doesn't question me every single time I leave at a random call," she says. "That's harder to find than you think. One day I'm sure I'll settle down, but right now I'm enjoying life and my job, and I don't want a complicated relationship, but I want something."

"I feel like you're the person who wants the kids, the house, the white picket fence." I'm totally serious. Lisa says she isn't looking, but she sure was upset when I said we couldn't have a relationship.

"My job has me out at all hours, and most women want somebody home or with them after work. I can't do that. Fires and investigations don't happen from eight in the morning to five at night. Most of my cases are in the evening, and once there's a fire, I'm on it for several days. I don't have normalcy, and the women I've dated don't understand. They say they do, but they really don't."

Her words have a bite to them. She's hardened her heart against any emotional connection and only wants the physical. It's safer.

Uncomplicated. I understand it better than anyone, but I think Lisa's fooling herself. "I get what you're saying. I mean, at some point I'm going to have to make drastic changes because of my position. Probably sooner than later." I look at the time. It's almost one thirty, and I have to get up at seven. Thank God I don't have court tomorrow.

Lisa suddenly sits up. "Shit. I should go. I'm sorry I've kept you up so late."

I don't stop her. I need sleep. Tomorrow's another long day.

We start a new trial Monday, and I'm going to try to get them to settle. I'll review everything about the case today and chat with the lawyers Friday. Most of the time, we can reach a settlement because trials are long, messy, and expensive. Plus, the evidence gathered usually makes for open-and-shut cases. Sometimes the defendant is adamant that they're innocent, but most of the time, when presented with evidence, they take the plea.

"It was worth the lost sleep, but I do have a big day tomorrow."

I roll over, and even though I try hard to stay awake to say goodbye to her, I can't. I wake up to my shrill alarm and all evidence of Lisa gone, except my deliciously sore pussy and an empty whiskey glass in the sink.