"...Excuse me?" asked Susan.
"I love Barney. He's my prince Charming, it is love at first sight!"
"Are you out of your bloody mind? You're a human and that is a giant purple lizard. How can you be in love with him?!" yelled Susan.
"True love knows no boundaries" said Meg cheerfully. Then she turned to Barney "So dino boy, how about we go on a nice little date?"
"I would love to. How about we go to Wendy's?" said Barney while stretching his arm towards Meg.
"Sounds awesome" said Meg as she grabbed and held Barney's arm tightly.
Susan was speechless and she was even more speechless at what she saw in the following days. Meg and Barney were constantly together, having date after date. Meg even began wearing a pink bow, a green and purple dress, as well as pink ballet slippers.
Worst of all, Meg began to completely neglect her fanfiction review duty.
"If Meg stops being the fanfic critic, then who will replace her? Hopefully not me..."
Then the door opened and Meg walked into the room. She brought a bouquet of flowers from Barney.
"This is already the fifth one today, is he for real?" asked Susan.
"That's not all" said Meg, as she showed Susan her hand with an engagement ring on it.
Susan was so shocked that she at first couldn't say one legible word. She clearly had enough and yelled "Snap out of it Meg! You can't be serious!"
"I can't believe what I'm hearing. If you can't accept us, then we can no longer be friends."
"He is a LIZARD, Meg!"
"I love him, I want to be with him, I even want to have children with him" said Meg firmly.
"CHILDREN?!"
"Yes, children. At least ten."
"You want to adopt ten children?!"
"I mean, if the conventional way fails, then adoption will do too" Meg giggled.
"Get to your senses Meg... or I will have to take drastic actions!" said Susan in an enraged way.
Meg was angry at what she just heard and stormed into her room, locking the door.
The next morning Susan woke up and noticed that the house was awfully silent. Meg's door was closed.
"Meg, can I come in and talk with you?" she asked, but got no reply. She proceeded to open the door and saw a letter on Meg's bed.
"Dear Susan, you could have been a part of our lives, but you chose to prevent our happiness. Due to that we decided to become traveling children's entertainers across the country. As you are reading this, we are driving to Las Vegas to get married. We do not wish to be bothered at our elopement. Farewell, Meg and Barney."
"Goddammit! I swear if I get my hands on that bloody dinosaur, I will make sure that his species goes extinct for good this time! I need to get to Las Vegas right now..."
After a few thoughtful seconds Susan begrudgingly yelled "Lesbian Jesus! Come here right now!"
"What is it?" asked Lesbian Jesus as she appeared.
"Meg wants to marry Barney the dinosaur. Fix this!"
"I can't do that. Meg truly loves Barney. I'm afraid my hands are tied"
"You're the goddess of love. DO SOMETHING!"
"I can't. My hands are tied!" Lesbian Jesus said as she lifted her hands. They were literary tied.
"Do I need to know why this is the case?"
"Well, you did call me at a rather private moment, but even if my hands were free, I couldn't do anything. Meg truly loves Barney and as such my powers can't interfere."
"Then get me to Vegas, I need to stop this wedding right now!"
"First, we need a plan. Tell me, how exactly did this happen?"
"She tripped down the stairs and hit her head. This caused her to get partial amnesia."
"That's it! If one hit to a head caused this, then another should reverse it!"
"Are you for real?"
"Haven't you seen that Tom and Jerry cartoon, where Tom thinks he's a mouse after getting hit on the head? He becomes normal again with a second blow" said Lesbian Jesus.
"Are you seriously suggesting that I should take medical advice from a cartoon?"
"With all respect Susan, but in our reality one can be revived a dozen times, switch bodies with their cat and go clinically insane from reading bad fanfiction. Are you seriously doubting the medical advice of Hanna-Barbera?"
"Fair point...So how do I get to Vegas?"
All you have to do is click your heels and say 'There's no place like Vegas, There's no place like Vegas' and you'd be there in two seconds.
"I could've been there in two seconds? Why didn't you tell me that instantly?!" yelled Susan, before she closed her eyes, angrily clicked her heels and said the magic words and when she opened her eyes, she stood in the city that never sleeps.
In front her was a casino, to her right was a strip club and to her left was Wallmart. "Where the bloody hell does she want to get married?" said Susan as she turned around and saw a place called Heart Attack Grill.
"She's in there, isn't she?
When Susan opened the door to the restaurant, she saw a one-of-a-kind sight. The restaurant was packed with obese people gorging enormous quantities of fast food of their greasy plates while surrounded by waitresses in tacky nurse outfits.
Then Susan heard some very off-key singing.
"I love you, you love me,
let's get married finally!
Writing a love story yet untold,
a bond of a woman and a dinosaur!"
Barney and Meg were at the other side of the building on a plastic altar. Barney wore a way too small groom's outfit and Meg a white wedding dress which looked like several layers of curtains put together. Next to them was a seemingly intoxicated priest who'll marry anyone for 20 bucks.
"Barney (hic), do you want to take Meg as your wife?"
"I super-dee-duper do."
"Meg (hic), do you want to take Barney as your husband?"
"I super-de-duper do!"
"If anyone object to this marriage speak now or be silent forever (hic). Anyway, where's my check?"
"I object!" shouted Susan from the other side of the building
Meg looked shocked and burst into an angry rant.
"I told you not to bother us. Get lost Susan. I told you that Barney and I are meant to be and nothing will come between us. No matter what you'll do I will stand my ground and there's nothing that can change that!"
Meg proceeded to stomp on the ground with all her force to demonstrate her determination, but that resulted in the heel of her cheap dollar store slipper to break off. As such she lost her balance, fell of the altar and crashed head first into a table full of greasy burgers and slimy mayo, leading to her being unconscious.
Susan rushed to Meg and so did Barney.
"Congratulations! When Meg awakes again, she will be back to normal, meaning true love will no longer interfere with this godly punishment" said Barney before he began pulling the zipper on his back.
Susan's was shocked, because the guy in the costume was no other than M. Night Shyamalan.
"I bet you didn't see this plot twist coming" said the man.
Susan needed a second to comprehend what just happened, before she asked mr. Shyamalan "What do you mean by godly punishment?"
"Lesbian Jesus summoned me to play Barney the Dinosaur, because your cousin insulted her. She even made everyone not question the ridiculousness of the situation, including you."
"What did you say? So, all of this craziness that just happened is because of her?! Was she also responsible for Meg falling in love?"
"Actually no. This happened by itself, even Lesbian Jesus was shocked and she couldn't stop it because it was an act of true love. Anyways, thanks for the entertainment, this gave me a dozen or so ideas for new films and I didn't even need to get high. Tell Lesbian Jesus I'm always available for new pranks. See ya!" and with that mr. Shyamalan promptly left.
"JESUS! LESBIAN JESUS!" shouted Susan.
"You called" said Lesbian Jesus as she appeared.
"You caused all of this!"
"I was just trying to teach her a lesson."
"TEACH HER A LESSON? YOU'RE NOT HER PARENTS! How dare you! Do you think this all a joke. Do you think we are just fictional characters that can be put in silly situations for entertainment?"
Lesbian Jesus looked smugly to the side, almost like she knew something what no one else does. Then she said "I admit this went a little to far. Not even I could have seen this coming."
"So... How are you going to atone for this?" asked Susan in an annoyed manner.
"I'll cover the ridiculous costs that your joke of a healthcare system has."
"Deal, getting diabetes here is a borderline death sentence. Now... how about you get us back home and please change Meg's clothes back to normal."
Lesbian Jesus raised her hands and within a split-second Susan and Meg were in front of their house again. Conveniently Meg just woke up at said moment.
"Ugh... My head."
"Are you alright dear?"
"Yeah, my head hurts. I just had the worst nightmare imaginable."
As Meg got up in front of her house, she spotted that the house on the other side is painted bright purple and green.
"Oh, dear God... I need a drink..." said Meg as she put her hand on her forehead.
"We both do Meg, we both bloody do..."
And so once again the everyday stress gets solved by alcohol, humanity's greatest invention.
