btw Reupload something went wrong when I was trying to edit :/

Hey everyone, this is a story I've had brewing for a while, but I thought I'd give some insight on my character and how the world has adjusted to fit him. This is based off MLP Friendship is Magic but it is definitely an AU as it will deviate from the main storyline pretty quickly but the characters will be written to remain true as they were intended in the show as much as I can.

Disclaimer: Just wanted to explain the main character Charlie and give a heads up to you all. He's not a self insert by any means and I find writing him some days rather bothersome to get into his mentality. He's rude, a little racist, and has a potty mouth like you wouldn't believe but that's all for a reason. He's based off of someone I know in real life and I'd always giggle at the thought of him waltzing around in a world like MLP and I've finally got around to actually typing it rather than thinking about it.

Second disclaimer: I'm not a huge fan of the show, I know blasphemy, but it really was the perfect setting for Charlie and his behavior to bounce off of. I used to watch it with my sister but overall it's not my favorite but I've done my research into the characters and watched the show through its entirety so I don't have any keyboard warriors shouting at me that I missed a line of dialogue in season 5 episode 12.

Third disclaimer: There will be graphic content within the confines of this novel. Both gore and sexual content will be included later on so this is an M rated fanfic for a reason. You've been warned.

Anyways, that's enough outta me let's get this show on the road!


Chapter 1: Resiliance Against the Beginning

In another moment down Alice went after it,

never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.

Alice In Wonderland

Day 1

"Oh God… My head…" I try and move my hands to rub my aching forehead, but my body rejects this command and instead gives me a terrible bout of pain. "Oh… Fuck… My everything…"

Since my body has been so kind to let me know that it doesn't want to move in the most pleasant way possible, I just sit there with my eyes closed laying on the cold ground.

"Shhhh I think it moved, Spike." The muffled voice of a woman was the first thing to grace my ears from the silence of the void.

I try to open my eyes, but the lids refuse my command. It feels like I was hit by a bus and then bent over backwards by its semi-truck cousins. "Fuck me…"

"Hey, it can talk!" The voice of an adolescent boy fills my ear holes next and the cold touch of someone's hand on my forehead. "Can you hear us, mister!"

The feeling of the hand quickly goes away. "Don't touch him, Spike! We don't know if it's dangerous!" Dangerous?! Why the fuck is she talking to me like I'm a rabid raccoon.

"F-fuck… you lady..." Is all I can rasp and I cough.

"Are you alright..." The same woman asks but I can tell there's some hesitance to it.

Is she retarded? "Of course… I'm not… alright… you fuckin'… dolt..." I manage to sneer in between gasps of air.

I hear a gasp. "Spike, go get Nurse Redheart she'll-"

"No!" I begin coughing a little from my outburst. "Just… just give me a minute..."

I hear some rustling and then silence. No, I'm wrong I hear breathing nearby. God dammit looks like I have an audience and my performance is putting my shit together. Who gives a shit if some broad and her brat watches me I gotta catch my bearings…

The grounds hard… but it isn't cold. Actually, it feels rather… nice. Besides pain I feel warmth engulf me. Okay… so wherever I am I'm not at home as the fucking heats on here. Fucking wonderful. Well, wherever I am I can't stay here. An attempt to roll over off my back is met with the same ferocious soreness that smacked me before but also a terrible spell of nausea sets in with the added motion. After what felt like an eternity of lying still, recovering from whatever ordeal is affecting me, I decide to do… well, anything really.

"Baby steps… baby steps…" With the will to move mountains and divide oceans I feel my incredibly heavy eye lids slowing but surely open to reveal just a blob of colors and shades of light. Fuck man, what part of me isn't suffering at the moment? Even my ears are ringing to a degree. If I don't get up now then I probably won't be able to get up later either so with every fiber of my being in total conjunction with each other I slowly but surely prop myself up. I almost regret my decision to move because the nausea that hit me before grew at an alarming rate to the point I feel like I'm going to-

"Oh… Oh shi- Hmmpf" My hand meets my mouth as I feel bile climb my throat.

Quickly, with much protest from my body, I turn over off my back and on my hands and knees which upsets my stomach even more but I don't care. I'm not about to have a lap full of upchuck. To my luck, however, food must have been scarce the previous day because I was left in a fit of dry heaves after what little I did cough up. The tears from the episode caused my already failing vision to regress even further which was annoying but the least of my problems at the moment.

The burning sensation in my throat and yesterday's dinner on the ground… The headache which could battle Gods with how mighty it feels… The throbbing muscles and tendons… Definitely the telltale signs that little ol' me had a fun time. Maybe even a little too much fun… God, I don't even remember drinking last night at all. I've partied in my day, but this is a whole new level of hangover that I haven't had the misfortune to greet until now.

I must be at the Casper's… It's the only place I'd be out cold on the floor.

"Aw c'mon… I'm gonna have to clean that." I hear some movement again to my left and the boy pipes up. "Are you sure you don't need a doctor?"

Why did Bill let a kid in here anyways…

"I'm… fine you fuckin' idiot…" I start coughing again. "Just go get… Bill…and when you find him… tell that piece of gutter garbage… never to serve me… an ounce of whiskey… again."

"uhhh who's Bill?" Oh, for Christs sake…

"He's the bartender you semen hole!" I feel a sharp pain through my skull as I yell. "He should be… in the back…"

The woman pipes up now. "Uh sir… you're not in a tavern."

"Fuckin' fantastical…" My hand instinctively pinches the bridge of my nose. "Where the fuck am I..."

She gives a nervous laugh. "Hehe… y-you see that's actually really, really, really complicated…"

Fuck you. Where am I? Fuckin' jail? In a bathtub without my kidneys? How the FUCK can that be a complicated question.

"Just spill it you fuckin' shit pile!" I snap.

"Well…" She begins. "For starters your in a library."

A library… perfect. I was black out drunk in a public fucking library. I'm lucky I'm not in jail for drunken disorderly conduct…

"Alright… just give me a minute and I'll be out of you and your sons hair…"

"Hey! Twilight isn't my mom!" The kid, Spike if I recall correctly, angrily remarks.

Twilight? Spike? What kind of dope fiend name their kids like that…

I try to open my eyes and face the kid but all I see are two purple blobs. "I don't care who's taint you fell out of you little shit!" the nausea returns when I look at them so I just close them again and lay my head back on the floor. "Just go about your business and I'll be gone in a little bit…"

"Uh… as I said that's a little… complicated…" She pauses. "Where are you from exactly?"

da fuck? "I'm from the Fuckin' north end! How is this complicated!?" I angrily yell.

"North End…?" She speaks confused. Jesus Christ.

I sigh and repress the urge to pinch my nose. "Boston you fuckin' moron!" Great, it's an out-of-town yokel.

They still sound confused. "Have you ever heard of Boston, Twilight?"

"Hmmm not to my knowledge..."

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

I open my eyes wide as humanly possible and stare down the mental deficients. "YOU KNOW, IN FUCKIN' MASSACHUSETTS!? USA!? PLANET EARTH!? YOU FUCKIN' Brain… dead…" My voice dies in my throat.

da fuck? The mental visage of a drooling woman and her brain damaged toddler was what I'd thought I'd see. Boy oh fuckin' boy you have no idea how fuckin' wrong I was.

There's a fuckin' purple horse thing staring at me.

HORSE

"I'm very sorry I've never heard of any of those places Mr..." she pauses as if I could pick my chin off the floor to answer her.

AND IT TALKS

"Are you alright? You look even more pale than before?" My head whips over to the child.

Oh no I'm sorry not a child it's just a TALKING! FUCKING! LIZARD! I start panicking. A quick look around made me really believe I ain't in fucking Kansas anymore. The room looks like a kitchen of some kind. I see a stove, a dining table with some books maybe, some windows, the works. The walls the floor and the ceiling looks off though. Kinda like a cave but it all appears wooden? Da fuck? I feel my breathing start to hitch, and my head starts feeling like ginger ale.

I pick up a weak shaky finger and point. "H-h-h-horse."

The lizard grows a worried look. "I think you broke him, Twilight."

She smiles a little. "Actually, I'm a pony, sir!"

Did you hear that!? She's a pony! Also, if paid close enough attention you could also hear the stability of my mind collapse like the twin towers as well.

Isn't this neat!?

PANIC

I scramble to my feet in a daze and make a B line towards the closest exit I could find. A set of double doors on the other side of the room catches my attention first and shamble towards it. I knock the colored abominations out of my way in the process of my mad dash. I hear a yelp and one of them calls out something, but I can't hear them over my own hysteria. I make it to the doors and swing them open.

Finally, my salvation! Is what I would have said if it actually went anywhere. It's a fucking pantry. I turn around to dash somewhere else, but the creatures got back up pretty quickly and started after me. In my panic I just entered the cramped closet like pantry and slammed them shut. Before they could even attempt to pry them open, I stick a broom I found in the door handles to essentially force the fuckers shut.

I could hear the horse on the other side of the door. "Sir please this is just a misun-"

"Fuck you! I can't hear you! YOUR NOT REAL! This is all just a fuckin' nightmare! I'll be awake any minute now!" I squeeze my eyes shut and pinch my forearm as hard as I could. "WAKE UP! WAKE UP GOD DAMMIT!"

It didn't work. I opened my eyes and I was still in the fuckin' pantry. "This is real! You have to believe me this was not my intention! It's my fault your here!" The horse thing admonishes.

I start hitting my head. "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! Shut up!" I had to think and fuckin' fast.

The pantry itself couldn't have been more than a 5x5 cube. Some shelves with food and bottle of ingredients adorn them. The light coming down from the ceiling illuminated the entire room making it pretty easy to take everything in but all in all it was a pretty standard pantry.

Wait a minute? Light? Looking up I see a small octagonal window on the ceiling. I see swaying tree branches and leaves caked in sunlight on the other side. EUREKA! Using the shelves as a step ladder, knocking over some cans in the process, I barely reach the frame but as I push on it the glass doesn't budge.

"FUCK!"

"Please just come out! We're not gonna hurt you!" She pleads but I can barely hear her as I feebly try to pry this stupid window open. I can tell by the hinges that it can opens upwards and if I'm lucky enough I may be able to lift myself up if I pry it open far enough.

I laugh but not in a haha kinda way. "Yeah, your right! You're not gonna hurt me cause you ain't REAL!"

After pressing on the frame for a few seconds it doesn't fuckin' budge at all. It doesn't help that because of the placement of the shelves I just barely, by the skin of my nuts, able to get a good angle. After a few more pushes that were totally not wimpy I feel the damn thing budge a little.

I absolutely gleam. "Fuck yes!" I swing my body out a little further. "Almost ther- oh Fuuuu-"

The fucking shelf I was standing on gave out from the weight causing me to eat shit and die. To further the insult to injury the contents of said shelf showered all the mass they carried on my dumb fuckin' body. I'm not gonna lie it fuckin' kicked the wind out of me. I lay on my back staring at, what was my freedom, the window that is now out of fuckin' reach. I needed that stupid shelf.

"FUCK!" I throw a little tantrum on the floor that I am exceptionally proud of.

"Please! If you just come out, I can explain what happened and how we can fix this!" She pathetically pleads again as if I believe a single thing out of her imaginary mouth. Fuck you. Think you can just wave a magic wand and everything gets better? Get real.

While I'm still on the floor I grab my junk. "Oh yeah! You can fix this, Shadowfax!"

Yeah, take that cunt.

She starts up confused. "What am I fixing? I can't see you and my name is Twilight Sparkle!" Oh, my fucking God, go fuck yourself horse. "Anyways you gotta come out eventually! Your stuck in there! Please, I don't want you to get hurt!"

I laugh again. "Oh ho you don't have to worry about me, sugar tits, I'm sure I'm nice and cozy in a padded room right about now and the feel-good shots gonna wear off any minute now."

Yeah, I'm sure I'm getting applesauce by the spoonful's and I'm dribbling basketballs that aren't there as well. It's ok… you're ok… you're not craz-

"And what if it doesn't?" The horse asks in a softer tone.

"Fuck you." I can't believe this. "It's gotta! This ain't how things are. I'm me, the sky is blue, and you're not real!"

"So, your gonna take the chance that this isn't real and sit in there until you… wake up?" She kinda huffs some air. "And what happens when that, you know, doesn't happen?"

Rage fills me. "It'll happen! IT WILL HAPPEN!" I prop myself up and slide against the door to lean on it before heaving an exhausted sigh. "This is all a fucking nightmare…"

"…Are you so sure?" I hear her walk closer to the door. "Listen, I know how scary this is. Your lost! You feel lost and that's okay! But hiding in a pantry isn't gonna fix this."

I rub my forehead in exasperation. Even if I don't believe a single fucking word out of her donkey mouth is staying in here gonna fix anything? And what if, by breaking all the fuckin' laws of the known universe, this is real. It's really happening.

I shake my head at the notion. "No… I'm dreaming. I'll wake up and this'll all be over. It has to." I slam the back of my head into the door in frustration. "Maybe if I remember what I was doing before this I'll check back into planet earth. Fuck what was I doing before? Shit think! Think!"

I feel a strange fuzzy sensation deep in my head. It wasn't a headache and it ain't a fuckin' panic attack neither. I've never felt this before and I don't like it at all.

I slam my head again. "Come on! Just remember! A landmark! A time! A face! Fucking anything!" That fuzzy feeling gets worse but then I hear it.

A younger gentleman with a freckled face, red hair, and a well-groomed beard enters my vision. "Can you even grasp how much shit you're wading through right now? If you go any further, you'll start drowning!" A familiar voice chides. "This is just the drop of the pure talking. Just sit down and I'll go get you some water."

That voice! That's fuckin' Bill. I'd recognize that loose lipped shit anywhere.

My own voice pipes up clearly intoxicated. "Do I look like I give a shit!? This is happening and you ain't stopping me!"

Fuck! What were we doing! What didn't Bill want me to do?

I hear footsteps come closer. "Look man… I get it. I really do. I miss em' too, but you can't smear shit on someone else's business and expect said person to just take it. It was a tragedy what happened…" I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Your still here. And that's a lot more than others can say, God rest their souls. So how about you just sit down and we ca-"

I went into Caspers alone…

I feel myself swat the hand. "What did you just say...?" I remark incredulously. Bill winces realizing he fucked up. "A fuckin' tragedy!? You're really gonna stand there and say ' it is what it is' after what they did!? He didn't spill some fuckin' milk, Bill! He fucked us. He bent us over and went to town! This ain't business anymore, Bill! This as fuckin' personal as it fuckin' gets! Paulie is a fuckin' deadman!"

It was 2 weeks after the Kutz job… Wally he…

"Do you think Paulie doesn't know your here already!? He's gonna send a fuckin' army here after what happened out there at Aidrah's! I fucking cared about you! I cared about all of ya's!" He sighs and rubs his forehead. "I don't know how the fuck you got out of there alive but the best thing for you is to skip town like you should of already! Vamoosh! Disappear!"

No… T-that can't be right… Bill loved us… I loved him like a brother…

I stand my ground. "I'm doing this Bill… I've got to. I can't sit this one out… Not this time. So, either you're with me or you get the fuck out of my way."

I… He… I close my eyes.

He frowns. "…Why'd you have to say that..." Bill sighs but it sounds more like his breath hitching. I feel him embrace me in a hug. "C'mere you idiot. I made a promise that I'd do all I could to look out for ya when we left Wellington's… You can't say I didn't try." My ears start ringing and I feel a sharp pain in my stomach. Looking down I see the revolver Bill stuck in my gut after letting a round loose. I feel cold. "I'm sorry about Wally… He wasn't meant to be with ya. It was business and business only."

"Bill…" I rasp before collapsing onto the floor holding my gut. The pain was excruciating. There's blood everywhere. As my vision fades in and out I see that short fuck walk over to the pay phone at the end of the bar and dial a number.

"Paulie? Its Bill… Yeah, it's done… No but I spilled an entire rack of red wine so make sure you get the cleaning equipment…" He looks over at me. "No just one guy should do. When's he gonna be here? …Great, I'll talk to you tomorrow about terms." He hangs up the phone. And walks back over to me.

I raise a bloody hand out to the slimy cocksucker. "I'll… fuckin' kill you…" my body starts giving in. My vision starts to fade out for the final time as I see him stand over me.

His frown deepens. "Nah, I don't think you will. You just couldn't have left well enough alone…" I spit a blood loogie at his stupid fuckin' shoes. He laughs solemnly and points the gun at my head. "You always were a tough pigheaded prick. I'd lie if I said I wasn't gonna miss ya…"

Flash…

Darkness…

I open my eyes. "I'm fuckin' dead… That slimeball fuck… He killed me…" My breathing starts in the infancy of hyperventilating from the revelation and the rage. The thoughts consume my mind.

I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead

He killed me He killed me He killed me

MUST PAY MUST PAY

If that soon-to-be-dead fuck ended me then what the fuck is this? Hell? Heaven? Purgatory? I grip my chest. Then I feel it.

Thump Thump

Thump Thump

My heart… It's still beating! But… I died! I remember everything! How can I-

"Are you alright?" The horse stops me in my tracks. "It's kinda quiet in there…"

Oh… Right. Talking horse…

"No… not really…" The words sound empty. I wasn't gonna to answer but my body and mind are on autopilot. "Just leave me alone for a minute…" It took her a second but eventually seemed to oblige my request and the sounds of her steps march away from the door leaving me to my fate as a flurry of thoughts hit me.

Paulie wanted me dead. I knew that already after the Kutz job. That was such a clusterfuck. I should have never gotten involved with that shit. I knew it was fishy from the get-go, but the money was good. Bill was the one who brought it to my attention. He raved and ranted that this would get me into the big leagues. My ticket in. Was it a set up from the beginning? Cops showed up way too soon. It had to be. Is that why Bill didn't want Wally in on it?

Wally…

Oh Wally… I should of never got you mixed up in all this.

I don't know how long I was staring off into nothingness for. It had to of been at least an hour. An hour of 100 thoughts flying through my head like I was the only air traffic controller in the world. It made me completely forget about my current predicament revolving around the horse and the lizard, but I was quickly reminded.

"Hey…" The mare speaks through the door. "It's almost dinner time and I really don't want to go into town to get food especially if there's a whole pantry filled. You hungry? I'll make you something. You just have to come out…"

I growl. "No, I'm not fuckin' hu-" My stomach, as if on cue, rumbles involuntarily at the thought of food interrupting me. I sigh and hit the back of my head on the door again. Maybe food would be a good thing right now. Help me process this fucked situation a little better.

I stand up and remove the broom from the handles and crack the door slightly. There she was in all her horse glory. This 'Twilight Sparkle' has a lavender colored fur with dark purple hair with a straight cut bang with some highlights and her tail matches her haircut in style and color. She came up to about mid-thigh on me I about guessed. I don't know if that's normal for a pony but what the fuck do I know about farm animals? What the fuck is this shit? Something about her just didn't look real. Cartoony even.

Wait a minute… Is she a stupid fuckin' unicorn? Yeah, there's a fucking horn sticking out of her stupid noggin. Whatever… If I wasn't such a heartless son of a bitch, I'd say she was adorable. The look on her face was worried at least as worried as a horse, pony, unicorn, thing could be.

"Hey, you can come on out! We're not gonna bite!" The lizard, Spike, standing by her piped up cheerfully. He was about knee high with almost the same lavender/ purple color and his underbelly a soft lime green. In place of ears and hair were these fin looking things sticking out of his head. One of his fins came down over his head looking like a mohawk. Okay Chief Scaleback… I snort at the thought. He actually looked kinda cool as hard as is for me to admit. Kinda reminds me of a gecko if it grew to be a 10-year-old potbellied child. He looked equally as worried as her horse friend if not a tad intrigued.

I heave a sigh once more and open the doors, but my guard is up as I'm not fully convinced that they're harmless. They gasp at my sight and stare in awe. I don't know if it's because of my size standing upright or how alien I look to them but can tell by their reactions they've never seen a man before that's for fuckin' sure. Their gawking makes me sick to my stomach.

"Well?!" I snap impatiently. "I think you promised dinner!"

This breaks the unicorn out of her trance like state and she shakes her head to get focused. "Y-yes! Please just make yourself at home!" She juts a hoof towards the center of the kitchen where the table sits by its lonesome.

"Is there anything you want in particular? We have hay fries, dandelion sandwiches, wheat pancakes, grain cereal-"

"I'll take the fuckin' pancakes." I snap again and she flinches. Hearing her babble, a bunch of shit I can't eat was infuriating me. Stupid fucking horse. Me eating a fuckin' dandelion…

"Oh! Ok that sounds delicious!" She squeaks and turns to the lizard. "Spike go fetch me some of the ingredients we'll need, and I'll go get the bowls and the pans."

As I turn, I hear Spike moan in displeasure. I turn back around and see him staring inside of the now destroyed pantry pouting. "It's gonna take me all day to clean this mess…" He states sadly before entering.

My head starts buzzing again making me nauseous but whatever… I need to fuckin' eat.

I sigh and head towards the table but not before taking in the sight of the kitchen itself. It's nothing that special but the aesthetic is something left to be desired. The walls, the ceiling, even the floor doesn't look right. Nothing about the framing looks normal, instead of straight lines and 90-degree angles it looks like were inside a hollow log. Fuckin' freaky. There are two exits, not counting the pantry, one to my right and the other opposite where I am now on the far side of the room. To my left looked like a pretty standard kitchen to be honest. A sink resides in the center of a great bay window with wooden countertops draped in cupboards and cabinets adorning each side. On the right-hand side of these counters is an old stove top oven that honestly looks like its seen better days. A grand chandelier with lit candles hovers above giving the tall room some much needed fill.

The table itself is in the middle of the room and it's laughably huge. You could comfortably seat like 9 people and squeeze another 4 in if you had to. Crazy horse lady must have a cosmic fuck-ton of guests to warrant such an absurd size but what the fuck do I know. Anyways, there's books and scrolls of varying sizes scattered throughout the whole thing. I grab a few to inspect them further but everything is fucking gibberish. It looks like if pig-Latin could barf on some paper. Fucking great.

The horse runs over after she sees me pick up some of the books. "Oh! Sorry about the mess! I was studying the ritual spell that seemed to summon you and it required a lot more information than I thought. But I should have deduced that inter dimensional travel would be more complicated than just reading a scroll." She snort laughs like a fuckin' dweeb I bullied in school. Wait a minute what did she say? "It actually took me all week to prepare my magic fortitude to even cast it! Did you know-"

"Whoa whoa whoa slow down." I rudely cut her off as the first part of her sentence finally clicks. "Did you just fuckin' say 'ritual spell'?" I snort. "What like fuckin' Gandalf the grey? you can go abracadabra and poof a white bunny pops out of my ass?"

She looks flustered. "W-well I wouldn't make it come out of… you. I'd also need to study the spell pretty thoroughly before I-"

I cut her off again. "Wait a minute I was joking!" I laugh incredulously and I scratch my head with the book. "Your fuckin' with me, right? Magic ain't real, steppe rider."

Her horn lights up a sparkling purple and the book I was holding gets enveloped the same fuckin' light and is tugged out of my hands. The book now floats in the middle of the air between us breaking the laws of physics and my brain.

She chuckles nervously. "Sorry these books are first editions. It took me all season to save up for them I don't want them getting damaged." She sets the book down with FUCKING! MAGIC! And turns to me with a smile. "What were you saying?"

"…My head hurts…" I whisper and slump my shoulders.

I felt defeated. If I wasn't so fuckin' exhausted, tired, hungry, and possibly dead I'd of fought this magic shit a little more and how bullshit it is but I start feeling woozy and grab a chair before I fell again. Unfortunately for me this isn't even the most absurd nor important thing I need to focus on. The horse said it's her fault I'm here but that's… Well, I was dead, so this'll be the least upsetting fuckin' thing I'd have heard today.

"… Fuck my life…" I sigh and rub my forehead, failing to stop the ensuing headache. "So, you just, what, snatch people in the dead of night and send them to fucked talking horse world?"

She winced a little at my comment and laughs nervously. "hehe W-well I didn't actually mean to… 'snatch you'… but I guess in the same context yes I brought you here, but I swear it wasn't my intention!" She pauses and starts pacing. "I found a tome deep in the confines of the library that was not of my own collection. It spoke of building a bridge from one realm to another, which wouldn't surprise me at all as I've read plenty of them in the past, however this book in particular…"

Her horn lights up and with this (dumb, stupid, asinine, tomfoolerin', headache inducing) magic she floats a book that honestly looked like it belonged in the trash. The binding was falling apart in the same way string cheese can be peeled. What little coloring that wasn't faded to hell was a light blue and the face looked dry and cracked, even more faded than the color itself was a drawing seemingly resembling that of a cave painting. There was a stick man holding a fist in the sky with what looked like lightning striking said fist. The title of this Book was actually written in God ordained ye olde English, thank Christ at least I can understand something about this… Not that it gave me comfort as it gave me the willies…

It said and I quote.

Woe

Resilience Against the Beginning

Reluctance Against the End

Rage Against the Silence

…okay…? Cryptic much?

I flip the book open and start staring at pages at random. More of that gibberish encompasses the pages however there are very well drawn pictures of varying scenes, but my mind is still rocking for me to name any of them.

She continues. "This book spoke of not A realm… But the realm! The epicenter of all the realms! The beginning and the end! The answer to every question!" She gets progressively louder until she screeches at the end does no fucking favors to my ailment. She chuckles embarrassingly."hehe sorry this is just so exciting! The possibility of having an actual being from this mythical land is actually groundbreaking! I haven't been able to translate the whole book but from what I gather this world was locked away by forces unknown and its knowledge lost for all time. But, I mean, who would want to lock such a place away! IT sounds like paradise! I know Star Swirl the bearded had many tomes on the subject of inter dimensional travel, but I've never seen or heard anything like this in any other of his works. He thought that the stars were gateways int-"

"Woah woah woah I don't give a flying fuck, about barstool the breaded… I just want to know about me and my situation…" I rub my forehead as I hear her silently correct me on the author's name. "So, you're saying this tome or scroll or whatever in the voodoo fuck, brought me here?"

She looks scared to answer. "…Yes. That is precisely what I'm saying." I look up at the ceiling once more out of exasperation.

I can't believe this…

She starts crying "I'm so, so, so, sorry! The spell was meant to open a doorway, not bring someone through!" She looks up at me with two pools of sparkling innocence. Disgusting. Her horn lights up and a piece of paper and a quill rush over and she begins writing.

I grumble but I don't give her an actual response.

"I promise that I'll fix this! I know just the right pony to talk to about a matter!" She starts scribbling quickly as she says so with much gusto. "We'll have this all sorted out in no time, Mr…uh…" she looks up at me cocking an eyebrow. "I'm sorry I didn't catch your name!"

I heave another tired sigh and look around the room. I see spike by the stove mixing ingredients, but I can tell he's listening in anxiously. This is ridiculous. If I wasn't in shock over the revelation with Bill, I'd start breaking shit. Can I even be mad at her? Sucking me here like I was a fuckin' dust particle? But what if she didn't? I might have stayed dead… She may have saved my ass from deaths door…

And doomed Bill's…

That's right you fuckin' cocksucker. Don't think I've forgotten about you. I give my life helping the guy and this is how he fuckin' repays me?! I don't care how long it fuckin' takes but I'm alive motherfucker and I'm coming for you.

I look down at Twilight tired and just done. "Charlie… My names Charlie."

She beams and continues hastily writing. "It's a pleasure having your acquaintance, Charlie!" She pauses once more and stares up at me smiling. "I'm sure everyone will be excited to meet you once they know your here! A guest from another world! How exciting! Well, let me be the first to welcome you to Equestria! I'm sure you'll love it here! There's so many sights and sounds, places to go, foods to-"

She continues rattling off nonsense in unkempt, erratic, fury but I stop listening. I frown. "Equestria… What the fuck did I land in now, Charlie…?" I whisper to myself.

A whole new world and a second chance apparently…

I don't like this at all but I'm sayin' that like I have any say in the matter…

Hell, I might even like it…

I mean… How fuckin' bad could it be...?

oOoOo

Four Months Later…

"CHARLIE! You need to calm down before you-" Her words are quickly extinguished with a quick duck when a wooden chair hurdles past the winged Monarchs head and explodes into pieces when it collides with a correlating wall.

"BEFORE WHAT!?" I quickly grab the remaining chair in the now ruined kitchen and heave it towards her with murderous fervor. Instead of evading it like the chair's predecessor her horn lights up and the flying seat wears a golden aura and stops midflight. Fucking ponies and their retarded magic. "BEFORE I LOSE MY FUCKIN' MIND? BECAUSE WE'RE WAY BEYOND THAT NOW!"

"NO! Before you hurt somepony or worse yourself!" Her horn halts its hue and the chair tumbles to the ground between us. Not that the chair or her words mattered to me I was already scrounging for something else to chuck at her dumb royal face. "Charlie, I'm not your enemy and I didn't mean for my bad news to infuriate you to this degree but if you don't calm yourself then I won't have a choice but to stop you!"

I halt my search for ammunition and turn glaring daggers in the voice's direction. I feel the smoldering rage and aggression blaze into a forest fire as I hear her chided words. I take a menacing step towards her, footfall crackles from the debris scattered around the wooden floor.

"Oh, and how exactly do you plan to do that? Lock me up in the castle dungeon, cradle me with your magic until I simmer down? Or just vaporize me with the sun and be done with it. Perhaps all of the above since I am just an ant to you anyways. An insignificant ANT!" With each cold listing I take an encroaching step until I'm at the chair that is bordering us from our respected positions moments ago. I seethe. "You fuckin' jerk me off like I'm some chump!? Pretend like I don't know what you're doing?! Like I don't have a fuckin' brain to put shit together!?"

Knocking it to the side and I continue my Hell march forward through the scarred room until I deemed it an appropriate distance to lunge at her. For all intents and purposes, I didn't expect to accomplish much of anything by doing that, but I was far too gone to care. She, as predicted, uses her magic to stop me midair like the chair, all of my limbs have been restrained and can only make slight head movements. While the struggle for freedom is pointless my rage tells me otherwise and try to break free from her magical grasp. My fury bound blue eyes meets her firm mannered magenta.

"Oh, it seems option B is to your liking then? I was betting on option C as being tossed into a burning fuckin' star is on my bucket list of things to do." my words leak sarcastic venom as each syllable is pronounced. She gives a tired sigh.

"Charlie, I know this is a… difficult situation you're in," I scoff at her word choosing. "And I understand having been ripped from your home and to assimilate on an alien world with an equally alien culture is very disagreeable but that does not give you permission to do what you want with no repercussions! I have been very lenient towards your actions here at Ponyville to the point to where it has become political suicide for me to remain voiceless about your endeavors any longer. Did you know the mayor sent a formal request to remove you from the town for your belligerent behavior and when I vetoed her request, she tried forming an angry mob to chase you out which I had to quell? Or that all of the elements of harmony, with the exception of my prized student, have also confirmed in their opinions that you are indeed a threat to Equestria and wish to encase you in stone? I Have left these calls unheeded for your benefit, including the fact I have been researching day in and day out to help you return home. What do I receive for all this tireless work? Even a simple thank you? No, I receive an open physical attack on my subjects! This volatile behavior is unacceptable and cannot persist! I see now that my judgment of you has been clouded and my responsibility as ruler has been impaired. So, by-"

My very wet Raspberry Interrupts her grand speech. She gives a priceless exasperated expression and seemed to get rather upset. Oh, how I do love irony!

" Grrr SO BY ROYAL DECREE!" Uh oh that can't be good.

She coughs in her hoof and regains composure. Huh I pissed off a goddess, go me!

"I, Princess Celestia co-ruler of Equestria, grant you one last chance of redemption! Don't you go thinking you got away unscathed, Charlie, for I can see now that you are a creature of habit. A little slap on the hoof and sending you on your merry way will do nothing for somepony such as yourself. If a verbal warning is the only penalization, I administer you will continue to be the most difficult and ornery mortal me or any other pony will have had the displeasure of conversing with. If yo-STOP SMILING THAT WAS NOT A COMPLIMENT!"

I really couldn't help it, honest to God. I've never in all my years managed to aggravate someone in high enough stature as Princess Celestia, a literal God of the sun whose lived thousands of years also known for her calm patient attitude and understanding benevolence. At least that's what Twilight described her as. To know that I fractured her demeanor with just my splendid personality alone, well sniff it warms my cold dead heart. My back patting is brought to an end when her frustrated hoof strikes the ground with thunderous force, an attempt to wipe the involuntary smug look of my face.

"CHARLIE, THIS IS SERIOUS!" She reprimands. Yeah, this is serious all right, serious bullshit. "If your attitude does not adjust and your anger cannot be tamed then I'll have no choice but to banish you from Equestria!"

Banishment? And get away from these naive idyllic technicolor horrors of nature? Seems like a paradise to me. I was about to release a sneering response to tell her as such but before I could she cut me off.

"And before you insert some snarky comment about how exile is 'a dream come true' need I remind you that my sister and I are the only real chance of you returning to your homeland and that banishment would entail severing all ties to Equestria and her inhabitants, including us?"

Damn. Shes reading me like an open fuckin' book. I hope that book has very tiny font and gives her a fucking migraine. Unfortunately, however she draws a good point. If, hypothetically speaking of course, if I were banished my quest to fly home bound would crash in a wreck of failure. As much as I hate to admit it the only people who can send me home are the same people who dredged me here, these fucking ponies.

Another problem would be the other nations I'd have to flee to. The kingdoms among this new world aren't the most welcoming and planting my flag on one and calling it my new home may be problematic. Again, I only have the inkling observation of what that walking almanac Twilight told me so honestly my reception could vary. Having to welcome an asshat like me though? Well, my survival would assuredly be… inconvenienced, to say the least.

I sigh internally knowing that old 'sunder thighs' here has a point. God, I wish my hands were free from this accursed detainment to drag them through my long unkempt beard in annoyance. Celestia watches me intently during my internal debate and must've taken my uncharacteristic silence as a token to continue where she left off.

"My beloved sister has recommended a… corporal punishment in a sense that will suit you just fine. It is a curse appropriately dubbed 'The Mark of Wrath'. Its use has been slim to none through the ages but when applied it has shown remarkable results to those who have had the unfortunate displeasure of donning it. This mark feeds off its victims' unruly anger and grants a debilitating shock off the emotion. The angrier the host the more intense the shock will be." Oh, fuck me sideways with a traffic cone, that's not good. My situation can't get much worse than that. "On top of the mark, which you will bear until I deem it necessary to remove, you shall befriend all the Elements of Harmony and write weekly friendship letters addressed to me so I may review your progress moving forward." Oh, fuck me twice...

"WHAT!? Befriend them!? Those mares hate my fucking guts! If I was on fire, they wouldn't even waste the piss in their bladders to try and put me out!" She cocks an eyebrow as if saying your point. "Not to mention the problem with your Down Syndrome tier letters you want me to fill out! I! CAN'T! READ!"

At least not Equestrian. It's so stupid that these ponies speak clean and crystal-clear English, which is ridiculous in its own right, but the written lettering is not the traditional alphabet I've been accustomed to. The text honestly reminds me of those ancient tabloids you'd have to decipher to proceed to the next area in a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. I see Celestia's eyes narrow.

"Then you will learn! You will not weasel your way out of this, Charlie! Not this time!" I would cross my arms but since they are… indisposed at the moment I settle to roll my eyes to her predictable response.

"It's not like there hasn't been a lack of trying." I mutter aloud. Twilight has been trying to teach me the Equestrian alphabet since I've arrived, but her lesson plans make me want to dive headfirst out the window and hope that the fall will kill me.

An intermediate silence envelops the room again except the occasional gust of winter wind that blows through the now smashed windows. She's giving me an expectant look waiting for the next rude comment or poor excuse I could send while my plotting and dark thoughts on the situation slowly cook my brain to mush. Looking at my options I realize I can't run from this like I usually do when times get tough. It's either deal with this like a man or kill me. I have to say offing myself just to spite her alone is a very tempting solution but as it would seem my self-preservation, what little I have, wouldn't allow such an ultimate middle finger as that to erect itself.

"Anything else you would like to add before the sentence is carried?" Her comment snaps me out of my mental duress as it broke the silence. After a few more moments of deep thinking I sigh, submissively close my eyes, and shake my head no in defeat. This is a definite blow to my pride for sure. "Alright then, be very still. This is a very old and very complicated spell to cast. I do not wish to pop you like a carnival balloon should I make a mistake."

My eyes fly open and widen at the very possible prospect of becoming a thin pink mist. Her horn still covered in the heavenly gold turns blood red and her pupils dissipate to only the whites as she speaks the cursed incantation with a deafening voice.

"I Speak To Thou This Hellish Verse To Invoke On Thee This Horrid Curse!"

Her horn charges a ball of energy that is almost blinding. The scattered debris on the floor gets picked up by a cyclone of power and warps around us as the walls shake as if they were made of paper.

"For This Undone Thou Anger Wreaks The Rage That Garners Before thou Speaks!"

The golden aura that I've been wearing, like her horn, changes its hue to that blood red and I feel a ripple of magical fire vibrate my flesh. The particles of debris increase their speed around us even picking up the chair in its chaotic tornado and the orb seems to increase in size and starts to whine from the sheer power coursing through it.

"Should Thee Not Stray From Thou Olden Path!"

Man, I've got a bad fuckin' feeling about this.

"THEN THEE SHALT FEEL VOLTAIC WRATH!"

A bright flash envelops the room and then an unimaginable pain set my nerves on fire. The last thought that coursed through my fizzled mind before the void seized me was a single sentence spoken by a small quiet voice from a memory that haunts me.

I-I'm s-sorry, C-Charlie…

OoOoO

I-I'm s-sorry, C-Charlie…

The hooved monarch dons a frown as those remorseful words carved its way through her head and sighs. Every confrontation she had with this human had always only shown sarcastic comments, frustrated anger, or dark self-mutilating thoughts. Gallows humor he called it. Just very dark morbid jokes he claimed but it didn't stop it from being any less horrible. Especially when some thoughts did not seem like jokes at all. However, this is the first time she's heard something sound so… broken… come from the strong-willed soul in front of her.

The Sun Goddess now watches his unconscious limp smoking body as her magic still gripped him. The spell hadn't killed him, but it might as well have. His attire was charred and battered, the clothed Sleeve from his tunic on his right forearm had disintegrated and the flesh underneath was badly burnt and bubbled from the intensity of the incantation. On his very foreign many digit-ed appendage held the infamous Mark of Wrath that had been seldom used over the eons. She sighs once more at its ghastly sight.

"I hope I made the right choice, Charlie. For both our sake's." The Princess sadly whispered and carefully lays the once hysterical man on the ground with extreme tenderness.

Celestia's attention moves to the battered kitchen and gazed upon Charlie's destruction. The cupboards were all smashed in, the floor was littered from food to chunks of wood, the walls had many holes from both fists and thrown objects, and there wasn't even a reminder of all the furniture that adorned the room as they were either shattered or thrown out the window. Like a bad habit, she sighs once more and feels her magical prowess activate to begin the mending process. It took a good several minutes to restore her prized student's kitchen back to the way it had been that morning and reverse any of the damage caused by the very nerve-racking duel.

When the room was as pristine as she had entered earlier that day, she grasped Charlie again with her magic and moved him to a couch in an adjacent room to rest from his ordeal. She felt a twinge of guilt as she viewed his injuries once more on his sleeping form. She leaned downward towards his grimy face and started to motherly nuzzle him.

"Despite what you may think, little one, I do care for your wellbeing as I do all my little ponies." During the nuzzle Celestia summons her power and heals Charlie of his scorched arm. She knew her words will not be heard from his peaceful slumber but continued anyway. The words were more for herself than for him. "Just because you're a… 'special case'… it doesn't make me think any less of you. Special problems after all require special solutions. My hope is that one day, when your ill placed anger has withdrawn and your heart you've locked so tightly away finally opens, we will become amazing friends."

With a small sad smile, she stops her caress and turns away from him and starts to make her way out of the building to inform her student, Twilight, and her friends of the new situation regarding Charlie. They had been patiently waiting outside on her orders not to intervene while the Princess of the Sun dealt with the 'berserk monkey' as Rainbow Dash put it.

When Celestia finds herself at the exit's doorway she looks back one more time and gave a cautious expression knowing full well this was just the beginning Charlie's tantrums. She knew Charlie would not stand for this and wouldn't stand idly by and take it without a fight. It's just not in his nature. She closed her eyes and sighed one last time in frustration as the migraine Charlie had hoped to inflict on her earlier had finally come to pass.

"…You don't have to be alone anymore, Charlie."

With that she leaves the library with many promised returning trips in the future as the only resident Human of Ponyville would find himself in more precarious situations than even he would wish for…