True Colours Prologue
Disclaimer: I do not own 9-1-1 or any of its characters. I do however own this story, I wrote it and I do NOT give permission for anyone to post it anywhere else. If you want to share it post a link.
Authors Note: Warning, this story is not for Chimney or Maddie lovers, I have exaggerated some of the negative traits the show's writers introduced at this time, and unlike in cannon there will be realistic consequences for their actions. I have endeavoured to take Maddie's PPD seriously but I don't believe it justifies her choices and actions, I didn't originally intend it but Hen's loyalty to Chimney is over the top and leads her to do and say some things she shouldn't.
Prologue
Buck sighed as he let himself into his empty loft. Taylor had been by to collect the last of her things while he was at work and the whole place just seemed empty and cold and sad without the little touches she'd put up to make the place hers as well as his. He was going to miss her but there was no avoiding that their life goals were not only never going to be heading in the same direction but they were completely incompatible and Buck just wasn't willing to give up his dreams of a family for the relationship they had.
Taylor had said that she loved him and that was amazing, he'd said it back though he had to admit that he wasn't totally sure that he loved her in the way a man was meant to love his partner in life. But unfortunately loving him didn't mean prioritising time with him over her work and career opportunities to Taylor. Buck had found himself having to second guess what he told her about his day and he noticed that as his stories became less potentially newsworthy, Taylor had become less interested in listening to him ramble.
It was during one of those rambles that things had come to a head. They'd had a safe haven baby delivered to them late the evening before but the ambulance was already out on a call supporting the 133 and the Child Protective service workers on call that night had already been busy with another emergency so they'd kept the child at the station for the night. It was a baby girl, one who was probably closer to a week old rather than the 72 hours that babies could legally be surrendered to them in but there was no sign of an adult hanging around when the baby was found in the newly installed baby box. Eddie had used his knowledge to check her over while Buck collected the supplies from Bobby's office and Buck had got to hold and feed the newborn, and had fallen in love with the little sweetheart. He'd been unable to bring himself to put her down and had stayed awake cuddling her, remaining the man behind until the child protection worker had arrived that morning.
The child protection worker had been sympathetic to Buck's reluctance to give her up but the rules were firm. The baby had to go to the hospital to be monitored for 24 hours before being placed with a qualified foster parent. Buck's shift had finished and he'd gone home his heart and mind still full of the little girl. Taylor had been interested at first, if the child was too old for a safe haven would the mother be tracked down and charged with child abandonment, would there be a story behind why she'd kept the child for nearly a week before relinquishing her.
Taylor made an unthinking comment of understanding why a woman would relinquish a baby if the pregnancy wasn't discovered early enough for an abortion, and Buck turned to her in horror.
"Would you abort our baby if you fell pregnant?" he asked.
"It's not going to happen Buck, I had a tubal ligation two years ago," Taylor said smiling reassuringly.
"You seriously never want children, or is it a pregnancy and child birth thing?" Buck asked. He'd be more than willing to adopt.
"No Buck, I never want to be a mother," Taylor replied.
"If Eddie is… if he… if the worst happens… then I will become Christopher's guardian… his father," Buck said, barely able to think of the possibility of losing Eddie that way.
"Surely that won't happen, he and Ana are getting serious, he will change his will so she gets custody," Taylor said desperately. "Or Christopher should go to his grandparents."
"No Eddie wouldn't change his will without talking to me about it and he doesn't trust his parents to give Chris the life he wants him to have, they were too strict and controlling with Eddie and his sisters and deep down they have some ugly ableist opinions about what Chris should be able to do, he wouldn't thrive in their care," Buck replied hoping he was right. Afterall Eddie had made him guardian without asking him about it or even letting him know for almost a year, but surely he and Ana weren't in a place yet where he would think Chris would prefer to stay with his girlfriend than with Buck.
"Why didn't you tell me about this before now?" Taylor demanded.
"Why would I? I agreed to take Chris in if Eddie couldn't look after him before we started dating. It's not set in stone it's only a backup plan if something happens to Eddie and I'm going to do my absolute best to make sure Eddie's able to go home every single day we work together," Buck replied.
"Even if it means that you might not get to come home," Taylor realised.
Buck remembered Eddie's words. 'You act like you think that you're expendable but you're not'. If Eddie had given Buck future custody of Chris to make him think twice about risking his life to save Eddie's it had backfired completely. Buck was less willing to sacrifice his life for strangers now that he knew he needed to be there for Chris if something happened to Eddie but getting Christopher's father home was always going to be Buck's first priority. "Yeah, if it's a clear choice between playing it safe and saving Eddie then I'm always going to try to save him. I promised I'd always have his back."
"I don't know which is worse. The knowledge that making sure Eddie comes home is more important to you than making sure you come home to me or the fact that you're committed to raising a child, without even considering what I might feel about it. I can't be a mother to Christopher," Taylor said quietly.
"And I can't turn my back on him. If you're really not willing to be with me if that happens then it's best that we end things now. If the worst does happen, I wouldn't want him to think it was his fault my girlfriend broke up with me," Buck said regretfully.
"You're going to break up with me over something that might never happen?" Taylor asked incredulously.
"Taylor, I've always wanted children. I've never made a secret of that. You've heard me talk about wanting to be a father. Hopefully you're right and Eddie will bring Christopher up and live to see him marry and have his own children but even so I want to be a dad. I'm not willing to give up that chance. If you tell me that it will never happen with us then I'm sorry but I can't…"
"I can't change my mind about this Buck. I would be a terrible mother. I had hoped that I would be enough for you," Taylor said regretfully.
Buck bit back the reply that she was barely around to be enough for him now, let alone to be giving up the chance of a real family. He loved Taylor and he loved having someone to come home to but Taylor was so often working all hours chasing a story or a chance at breaking into bigger things that he was still often lonely.
"I'm sorry Taylor," he said.
Taylor didn't reply, she walked up the stairs and Buck could hear her opening drawers and cupboards, then the zipper of the suitcase. He sat there listening regretfully, but making no attempt to go up and change her mind. He was glad he hadn't gotten around to adding her to his lease.
"I'll come back and get the rest of my stuff and leave my keys next time you're on shift. Goodbye Buck," Taylor said sadly.
"Good bye Taylor, do you have somewhere safe to go?" Buck asked. He would find somewhere to stay while she made arrangements if she needed him to.
Taylor just nodded, and left.
That had been two days ago and Buck tried to ignore the empty feeling of the loft as he made himself make a healthy dinner. He hated the feel of the space now he was alone again and considered whether it would be worth it to look for a new place when his lease was up. He'd loved the loft when he first got it, but even then he'd been hoping and planning to share the space with Ali and look how that had worked out. Now Taylor was gone as well. He wanted what all his firefam had, a family to come home to. For a while now he'd been kidding himself that Taylor in his home and his new baby niece with Eddie and Christopher whenever he could see them was enough. But now he was alone, Maddie was avoiding him and Chimney seemed to be encouraging her, and Eddie was pulling away, putting more time and effort into his relationship with Ana and Chris was getting older by the minute, before he knew it he would be a teenager and wanting to hang out with kids his own age instead of his best friend Buck. It wasn't enough.
He hadn't seen Jee in weeks, Maddie and Chim were keeping her to themselves, they were keeping some secret from him. Something was wrong but he couldn't say exactly what. Maddie was putting up a front, as if she thought he didn't know her well enough to see something wasn't right. She was acting the way she had when she and Doug moved to Hershey before he left. In hindsight he knew that she'd been trying to keep him away from Doug both for his own protection and to maintain the illusion that there was nothing wrong with her marriage. This time he was sure Chimney wasn't abusing her and he certainly wasn't a danger to Buck, but Maddie was acting like she was protecting something. Surely, she'd tell him if there was something seriously wrong with Jee-Yun? Wouldn't she? What else could it be?
Buck thought about going out somewhere but his friends were all busy with their families tonight, he'd tried to arrange a team night out as their shift was ending. He resolved to do the adult thing and get his housework and laundry done tonight then he'd be free if Chris wanted to do something with him tomorrow.
As he unpacked his work bag and threw his dirty clothes in the wash, he came across the flyers the child protection worker had given him and went to throw them out. Then he stopped and read through them. It was too late to take in the baby girl left at the station, by the time he'd been approved as a foster parent she would have been placed in a loving home and hopefully be well on her way to being adopted. But that didn't mean that there wasn't another child out there who would benefit from Buck's love. He would have to organise child care of course but he had money in his trust fund he didn't spend even a quarter of the interest on top of his salary most of the time. He could afford to pay for childcare or even in home care if he could find someone that fit with him and his kid like Carla fit into the Diaz family.
Chores abandoned for now, he pulled out his laptop and started researching what he would need to do to become a foster parent. There were some online courses he could do but he was looking to start with something in person as well. There was a 12-hour training course for prospective foster parents and he looked up the dates. There was one over two days next month that fit into his four days off and he eagerly signed up and went back to reading the requirements. He would have to move, they wouldn't give a child to him unless he could give them their own bedroom, so he started looking. He had nearly four months left on his lease but he could break it if he found the perfect place. He realised that he probably wouldn't be first choice to be given a baby so he started looking into schools, he wanted to live in a decent school zone, he'd like to live closer to the 118 or closer to Eddie's though he knew the school zone the Diaz were in hadn't been the best for Christopher, educationally or in dealing with his mobility issues.
Buck threw himself into the online courses and starting to look for a new apartment or even a small house in a decent school zone if he could afford one. He chose not to tell anyone about what he was doing for the time being, he knew that they'd probably be supportive but that they'd question whether this was just a gut reaction o breaking up with Taylor or something he would seriously want to pursue. Hen would be the best to confide him but he knew how hurt she and Karen had been when Nia had been returned to her biological mother. He would need to be prepared for that to happen to him as well, the literature warned him that there were a lot of children in the system who only needed a temporary home until their parents were able to look after them again. Perhaps something like that would be for the best to start with, a child he knew from the start wasn't a potential forever child who had loving parents to return to once they were well enough or released from prison or something. But what if he had to give a child up to parents who he wasn't sure they'd be better off with? Would he be able to cope with that? would the potential hurt down the track be worth it to give a child a home now?
The online courses were interesting and once he'd done the ones to qualify to become a foster parent and filled out the application he couldn't help but look up some of the other training they offered ad sign up for what fit in his schedule. He wanted to be the best foster parent that he could be, and he had plenty of free time to fill with training.
