Chapter 7: The Grass is Always Greener

Mondo and Woodie had just finished surfing a wave when he spotted his crush Gene, who's playing volleyball with some guys. They're all wearing short swim briefs.

"Gene." Mondo whispered as she stares at Gene's butt. He then felt a boner. "Hang on a second, man, I gotta lower the flag."

"Think about baseball." Woodie said. But Mondo imagine Gene as the batter, with a baseball cap but still in his swim briefs.

"Nope."

"Dead puppies." Mondo imagines Gene at a pet cemetery, putting a bone on the grave of a dog named Fluffins (1998-2009), wearing black swim briefs.

"It's not working!" Mondo said panically.

"Okay, this calls for drastic measures." Woodie said. Then he whispers into Mondo's ear. Now he imagines a stand-up with Kathy Griffin, but the building she was at suddenly blew up, killing her and the audience. The detonation was set by Gene, wearing a hard hat but still in his swim briefs.

"Somehow it got even harder!" Mondo whined.

"Hello, my little surfing manatee!" Mondo's mom Babs, wearing a pink bikini and a violet sarong around her hips, called out and waiving her hand to her son, while as she's walking on the beach.

"Hi, mom." Mondo replied, while waving back awkwardly. "Okay, that did it, let's go." He said in relief.

"Uh... now I'm gonna need a minute." Woodie said as he looked down nervously. Then he noticed Gene and his fellow players are in the water as well.

"You too, huh?" Gene said. Even he is obvious to how hot Mondo's mom is.


The next day, the boys went to school. Though it took them a while to get there due to traffic because Woodie's sister Milan is making an announcement for her Sweet 16 birthday. They cancelled the school's college fair for this.

A huge crowd gathered in front of a stage, with a large screen showing a presentation on Milan. "I'm Milan. My daddy's billionaire Brock Stone. You might know me from My Tween Implants or VH1's 100 Reason Not to Have Kids. My hobbies include staying in shape, and making things horny. Join me this week as we meet up to the best Sweet 16 ever." She appears onscreen, wearing a blue top with white stars and red-and-white stripped pants. "Today I ask you, America, to help me pick my dream date for the biggest night of my, and your, lives." The crowd cheers in respond.

"Can you believe how excited people get for this nonsense?" Woodie asked Mondo, only to find that he's no longer by his side.

"I'm so excited!" Mondo screamed as he ran through the crowd, towards the stage.

Three young men are sitting in chairs. Ms. Teets heads on stage from the right, as she's the MC. Milan is at the left, waiting to be announced.

"Let's give a hand for Del Toro's homegrown hottie, a girl who's got more plastic in her than me on New Dildo Day. Milan Stone." Ms. Teets said.

The crowd cheers.

"And now let's met our celebrity beefcakes. John Mayer, you know him from hating his guts. Ryan Cabrera, from, from, yeah you probably don't know he is. And finally, multiple gold medalist, the flying tomato himself, Carrot Top." Ms. Teets said, oblivious to Shaun White's glare she's receiving for getting his name wrong. "Text your vote now to decide which of these tender morsels of man flesh will be Milan's Sweet 16 date?"

The crowd got out their phones and began to vote.

Mondo noticed he's too short to look over the crowd barricade, he tried to hopping to see but he's too fat. So he decided to sneak up stage and climb up the railing. He noticed that Lonnie was also above the stage.

"Lonnie? What are you doing up here?"

"Stealing bolts." Lonnie said, while showing the bolts in his hand. Suddenly, the railing couldn't support his weight and he fell down screaming. "Man, that kid is falling fast."

Mondo landed on John Mayer. The crowd cheered at this stunt.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, you stupid fat peasant?!" Milan said. Then a picture of his head with the 'name' "Stupid Fat Peasant" below it appear on the screen with the other candidates.

"Sorry, everybody. Sorry." Mondo apologized

"You idiot! The day I take you to my party is the day I go down with every guy in school!" Milan stated.

The guys in the crowd took her literally and pulled out their phones to vote for Mondo, and he is the winner.

"NOOOOOO!" Milan screamed.

"Nooooo!" Woodie yelled.

"Nooooo." John Mayer protested as he's being dragged off stage by Ms. Teets.

"Teets out."


Mondo and Woodie walked out of the school, where the other students are surprised to see Mondo.

"You guys, it's the Stupid Fat Peasant!" One of the girls exclaimed.

Mondo just finished eating a candy bar and threw the wrapper into an outdoor trash can. A girl picked it up and kissed it, since it was touched by the "Stupid Fat Peasant".

"Did you see that, Woodie? I've got a groupie! I've got heat! I can't believe I'm going with the hottest girl!" Mondo said.

"But aren't you gay? What about Gene?" Woodie asked.

"I think it's about time you face reality, Moonbeam. He just likes me as a friend, he'll never fall for someone like me. Besides, he's still with Turk."

"I don't know, man." Woodie said unsurely.

"I see what this is about. Are you weirded out by me dating your sister?" Mondo asked.

"No, I'm cool with it. Just be a little cautious." Woodie warned.

"Oh condoms, way ahead of ya." Mondo pulls out a small packet of ketchup.

"That's ketchup." Woodie pointed out.

"Oh right." Mondo puts the packet back into his left pocket, and checked both. "Condom pocket, condiment pocket. I always get those mixed-up. That would explain why my hamburger is so rubbery."

"Just promise me you won't get too carried away with everything?"

"You kidding me? I'm totally 100% completely grounded. OH MY GOD, IS THAT MY HELICOPTER?" Mondo screamed as a helicopter carrying a pink armored money van. The backdoor opened and there was Milan sitting on piles of money bags, and accompanied by two muscular shirtless male dancers.

"Time for my invitation, bitches!" Milan announced over a headphone. She then hops out of the van. "First one goes to my everyman underdog date..." She doesn't know his name until one of the dancers whispered it to her. "Mondo!"

"Really?" Mondo asked as he got his moneybag.

"Of course, silly! Now everyone can see that I totally don't care about looks or money! Or body odor."

"I take a pill for that now!" Mondo said out loud.


Mondo rang the doorbell of Woodie's family mansion, and Milan opened the door. "Oh look, it's the chubby, relatable date that you guys so... awesomely picked for me." she said to the camera pointing at her. "Well come on in, I'll show you the house." She then whispers to Mondo "Look, could you just try not to embarrass me?"

"Babe, I would never embarrass you- EWW, IS THAT A VAGINA?" He screamed in repulse of an abstract painting of what appears to be a lady's private part. Realizing how he's acting on camera, he backtracked and pretended to be horny over it. "I mean, omigod, is that a vagina? So womanly and sexual, and stuff."

"No, it's a Georgia O'Keeffe." Milan stated.

"Well, I don't care who's vagina it is. It's as pretty as a rose." Mondo said awkwardly.

"It is a rose."

"Yeah, exactly." Mondo smiles sheepishly at the camera.

"Come on, guys, let me show you the rest of the house."

They're in an indoor movie theater, where they're watching a Harry Potter movie while wearing 3D viewing glasses. "This is my 4-D screaming room." Milan said. A quaffle was thrown out of the screen and hit Mondo's face.

They're now in what looks like an exercise room for dogs. There's a poodle running on a treadmill while watching a screen showing a running mail carrier. "This is my dog fitness center." A shitzu is seen in the background being massaged by an Asian chiropractor. "Complete with a shitzu shiatsu."

They're in a fancy living room. "My chandelier is from Paris." Milan points to a diamond chandelier above them. "My rug is from the orient." She gestures at the rug they're walking on. "And my sister we picked up from Africa." She points to a dark-skinned girl with a dread ponytail, who looked peeved by Milan.

They're in the kitchen with her parents. "And here are my awesome parents Brittany and Brock." She said uninterestingly.

"Wow! You have a dad too?" Mondo exclaimed, as he ran to give him a hug.

"And over here is Chef Ramsey." She gestures at the famous angry chef.

Mondo tried to give him a hug too, but Chef Ramsey pushed him. "Fuck off!"

Though he allows Milan to wrap her arms around him. "Is he the best? He makes all my afterschool snacks that I eat, then I un-swallow."

The camera then cuts to them back at the mansion foyer, with Milan wrapping her arms around a nervous-looking Mondo. "And that about wraps it. Thanks for coming by my house, guys. Now get out of here, cause we're totally gonna do it." She slitters her tongue at the camera, not noticing the panicked look from Mondo. He's horrified when Milan is about to plant her lips on him, though Mondo reluctantly try to place his lips on hers, until...

"And cut!" The camera man shouted. The crew left and Milan return to the mansion.

"So we're not doing it?" Mondo asked. "Phew! I mean, damn."

"Ready to hit the waves, man?" Woodie said, as he shows up in his swim trunks and surfboard.

"Sure, okay."

"But Woodford, your friend hasn't seen the rest of the house yet." Brock said. "You know how I like to showoff my obscene wealth."

"I'm sure he'd rather be out on the surf, right Mondo?" Woodie said confidently.

"Yeah, I guess." Mondo said unsurely.

"All the bathrooms in the eastern wing have bidets, and the bidets have remote controls." Brock informed.

"Come on, Mondo. Waves, natures' bidets." Woodie said.

"I'll go surfing tomorrow, I promise." Mondo assured Woodie, as he follows Brock. A despondent Woodie leaves by himself.

Brock shows him a very fancy bathroom.

"Wow!" Mondo awed.

"I'll give you some time alone." Brock said as he closed the door.

Mondo giggles as he touches some soft towels, turns on and off the faucet, and turns on the diamond-encrusted gold bidet. Then he noticed a shower stall with a running waterfall. He quickly takes off his clothes and lets himself be cleansed. Then he noticed the camera crew are in the bathroom recording him. He covers himself in embarrassment.

"No rush, kid. We're on overtime." The man with the clipboard said.

Mondo shrugged, grabbed the production sound mixer and rub his back with it. "Gettin' this, boys?" he asked seductively.


The next day, Gene had just arrived at school when he saw a white limousine van stopped near him. The driver got out to open the door and Mondo stepped out of the van, wearing fine clothes, has a new Justin Bieber haircut, and walking with a diamond-tip cane.

"Hey Mondo, looking good. You're like a pimp." Gene complimented. Mondo's glad that Gene doesn't think he look like a lesbian.

"Isn't it great? You're going to the party, right?"

"Oh you bet I will." Gene said eagerly. Then there is a moment of silence between the two. "So... how's it going with you two?"

"Oh great, we have a classic banter like Pattison and Stuart." Milan then stepped out of the van. "There's my better half."

"Yeah, the day I'm half with you I'll kill myself." Milan said as she walked away, and her driver left.

Mondo laughed. "Zing, darling! Zing! Undeniable chemistry."

Gene doesn't like the way Milan is treating him. "Mondo, please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you deserve better."

"Hey Gene, come over here!" Turk called out, as he's hanging with his crew. "And you gotta lay off the fro-yo!" His crew laughed. Gene groaned in frustration.

"Maybe you deserve better too." Mondo said sadly. He then walked to class, leaving a forlorn Gene to think about what he said.


Tonight is the "One Night in Milan".

There's a fashion show on a catwalk, a laser light show from a machine that also as as a laser hair removal for the ladies, a binge station for the boys and a purge station for the ladies to puke after they binge, and guests can make their own pre-sex tape.

Mondo is standing next to Milan, wearing an outfit made entirely of raw meat, as the paparazzi take pictures of them together. When they finished, Milan left Mondo to gossip with her friends, and the three give Mondo their drinks to hold for them. He decided to go find Woodie, but he can't find him anywhere in the house. Though he did find Woodie's dad sleeping with the housekeeper and his mom Brittany doing crack in the kitchen. He started to feel upset over the fight they had hours ago, and regretted the way he acted towards him about how they feel towards the celebrity life. Not much else to do, Mondo decided to return to Milan as she's opening her presents. He didn't like how selfish and ungrateful Milan was behaving about the presents she's received, due to not being about her or not getting what she really wanted.

"Here, Milan." Mondo said, handing Woodie's present - which was wrapped in palm leaves - to her. "Open this one, it's from Woodie."

She unwrapped it to find a sea shell, the same kind she used to like searching for on the beach with Woodie, before their family got rich. "Eww, did he find this on the ground?" She carelessly tossed it to the pool, and unbeknownst to all, there was a photo inside it.

"Whatcha do that for? Woodie put a lot of thought into it." Mondo said. He should know, since he was at the beach a few days ago with Woodie who found it. "You people are so fixated with money, that you've forgotten Woodie even exist! None of us even appreciate him."

"That's not true! Tell him, Woodie!" Milan told a mop, whom she mistaken as her brother, leaning on a column.

"Speak up, son." Brock scolded.

"That's a mop!" Mondo said annoyed.

The mop fell to the floor. "Stand up straight, son." Brittany said.

"Okay, that's enough, you're embarrassing me!" Milan said.

"Me? Embarrassed you?" Mondo questioned. He grabbed a microphone, stood on top of the table, and took off his sunglasses so the Stones could see how mad he is. "I've got the coolest friend in the world, and he's your brother and your son, and none of us even appreciate him. Yet he appreciates me and accept me for who I am." he said, recalling how Woodie immediately accepted Mondo's homosexuality.

Gene walked through the crowd to get a better look as Mondo makes his speech. Mondo talking about acceptance has really resonated with Gene. "Sure all this wealth can be seductive, I've got seduced too. Did I like getting attention? Yes. Did I like being showed with gifts a poor kid could never afford? Yes. And did I like that tube dress with that nib slip Milan wore that one day? A thousand-times yes. But I really think we all need to focus on what's really important..." Mondo noticed security is coming after him, so he decided to just wrap things up and directed towards Milan. "So in short: You're a total bitch and I was never sexually-attracted to you, so I'm breaking up with you on national television. But I hope you learn from your mistakes and become a better person." Then sincerely says, "Happy Birthday!"

The crowd cheers at his speech and his boldness at breaking up with Milan.

"And honey, that dress will look better on me!" Mondo dropped the mike and the crowd went wild.

But as he jumped down from the table, security surrounded him. But fortunately, Gene grabbed Mondo and they both ran. "Mondo, that was badass! I couldn't have said it better myself! Come on, I know a way out."

They hid in a couple of animal shrubs until security ran passed them. After they come out of hiding, Gene's brother shows up driving a cart. "Hope in!"

"You guys better get out of here." Gene said.

"Ten... nine... eight..." Wadska counted down. He's planted hidden devices around the backyard, as revenge for not only not being invited but Milan has a restraining order. This became personal for Wadska.

"Gene, remember when you said that I deserve somebody better and I said you deserve somebody better?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I wanted to tell you that I-"

"One." Wadska cut Mondo off. "Super sweet sabotage!" He drives off, pulling a long cord which security tripped on before they nearly caught them.

"We'll talk about this later!" Mondo yelled.

The chocolate fountain exploded on Milan, causing her to back away towards the "Make Your Pre-Sex Tape" bed, which also exploded, covering her in feathers. Other small explosions were set off. The cord broke the binge table, sending a fish flying up in the air and landed on the laser light machine, which scared a riding horse to gallop through Milan's birthday cake. What's left of the cake fell onto Milan, causing her to fall in the pool. She submerged as a mess with puffy hair like when she was younger. Her girl posse laughed at her. She noticed a photo was floating, she picked it up and started to cry, as it was a picture of her and Woodie when they were kids, when they were happy and normal.

"No rush, kid. We're on overtime." The guy with the clipper said.

Milan shut the camera off.


Like with Chapter 2, I decided to leave it off here since Jeena doesn't appear in the rest of the episode.