Feels like I'm falling
Into a world
Into a world
I can't control
I hear it calling
Down in my soul
Grippin' my bones
It won't let go
Wake me up
Won't you wake me up?
Caught in a bad dream
Caught in a bad dream
Wake me up
I wanna feel the sun
Caught in a bad dream
Caught in a bad dream
Feels like I'm frozen
Nowhere to run
Nowhere to run, from here
These walls are closing
Closing me in
Wearing me thin, with fear
Wake me up
Won't you wake me up
Caught in bad dream
- Bad Dream by Ruelle
One night, he wondered with me which student might have gotten the ingredients for Polyjuice Potion from his supplies, not to mention that he had shot at his favorite rule-breaker.
"I almost caught him red-handed. I had just returned from our meeting at the castle, dressed for the night and heard a pounding and whining. I walked past my office and saw that the torches were burning and a closet door was open. It was immediately clear to me that it must be students who want to make illegal concoctions. I met Filch at the big staircase, he also heard these noises there and suspected it was Peeves, but it was clearly a thief. We would have found him, I guarantee you! Only Moody was in my way to my proof. He took that encrypted parchment from under my nose and I swear to you, the boy was there in his invisibility cloak. Mad-Eye may have joined Potter's fan club, but I will not tolerate his behavior." A vein pulsed menacingly on his temple as he angrily told me about the previous night.
"Was anything stolen this time?"; I asked, and Severus' lips fell significantly.
"Ingredients from my personal possession. Fluxweed, knotgrass, ground horn of a two-horn,
finely cut Boomslang skin..." he said, looking at me piercingly. Of course, I knew what you could brew with these ingredients.
"Polyjuice potion," it came almost automatically over my mouth. "Not again. We only had that year before the heir to Slytherin was up to mischief at Hogwarts.", I said, feeling a hint of resentment rising in me against the students who seemed to have nothing better to do with their time than to brew forbidden potions.
"That's right," Severus confirmed, sighing softly.
"But Severus, you've had an effective warding spell on your storeroom since Harry's second year of school. What student is able to break them?"
"Potter will certainly find a way. This Granger is not entirely stupid. Unfortunately, her know-it-all nature bothers me a lot. It reminds me a lot of Lupin and Potter Senior. She never gives others the chance to think for themselves and come forward, constantly babbling in between. And she just learns everything by heart, but she lacks the understanding and love of magic," Severus barked and I even watched a little amused as his head turned red with anger. And at the same time, I had to think back to the old school days with a slight grin. I never volunteered out of shyness, while James and Remus liked to shine with their knowledge. But I avoided telling Severus that he also liked to let the know-it-all hang out. Severus seemed to guess my thoughts, however, because his anger visibly subsided as he wandered his eyes over my face and answered my grin with a slight smile.
"Severus, you have to tell me again how it all went. You met Filch and Mad Eye, all in sheep's clothes, yes?" I asked, my grin widening at the thought of those pajama parts on the grand staircase. Severus looks at me with raised eyebrows, slightly irritated.
"Well, I was wearing the old nightgown," he said softly, my breath catching.
"That old grey nightgown that I had sorted out?" I asked, feeling something from inside me drift upwards.
"Exactly. I had taken it back with me at Christmas so that it would take on my scent for you again," he explained, and I remembered that I had even asked him to do so. But I couldn't hold on to myself anymore. The idea of Severus in his old nightgown and Alastor and Filch in their nightgowns was just too amusing. Even Severus had to join in my loud laughter before he pulled me close to him and we spent a few carefree hours at night before we continued to think about who else besides Harry would have the audacity to search Severus' offices for potion ingredients for polyjuice potion and most importantly: why.
"Karkaroff has harassed me again. It's like a sideboard on wheels that lurks everywhere and hits you at every opportunity. This time he had the audacity to disturb me in my class. That cowardly dog!" barked Severus, pouring us a hot cup of tea as the snow curled outside the windows.
"What did he want again?" I asked, pulling a cup towards me, but the still steaming liquid kept me from taking a sip.
"Same as always. He complains to me about his now clearly prominent mark. As if he didn't know what that meant. The Dark Lord is back. It is only a matter of time before he calls us to him. And he will be angry, he will demand retribution from those who betrayed him," Severus declared, but his gaze went blank at his last train of thought.
"But how are you going to face him then?" I asked softly, biting my lower lip.
"Officially, I will make him believe that I am loyal to him, that Lily meant nothing to me and that I have become clearly aware of this through the past time. That he was right to kill her," he said in a low voice and had to swallow. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought that Severus would soon have to face this tyrant without knowing if he would come out safely.
"And your time at Hogwarts? How do you explain it?" I asked quietly.
"I'll be honest. The protection of Dumbledore saved me from Azkaban. I will tell the Dark Lord that I will continue to be his servant and spy. That I belong entirely to him." He looked at me piercingly with his dark eyes, as if he could read my true feelings about it. But he probably could, because after all these years of our relationship, I was an open book to him and so I didn't deny my feelings or thoughts in front of him.
"I'm afraid for you, Severus," I said and could hardly hold back my tears, but he took me in his arms without further ado, burying his head in my hip-length hair, which I liked to wear so much open.
"And it is I who is afraid for you, your safety! If I fail and the Dark Lord can find out the truth from me. I could never forgive myself for all this! If pain is inflicted on you because of me..." he began, before his voice became so deep that it broke off. He swallowed briefly, composing himself while I held back my tears. "But we knew that the day would come when I would return to the Dark Lord, and this time I will be successful. I was able to provide Dumbledore with valuable information last time. Being so close to the Dark Lord is a great advantage for our side. It will help the boy. Even if he thinks I'm in cahoots with Karkaroff," Severus said to reassure me, but I heard his bitter undertone, which was supposed to cover his own fear.
"How would Harry come up with something like that again?" I asked, barely able to contain the anger that arose at the thought that Severus was putting himself in such danger, sacrificing almost everything and Harry thinking he was a monster.
"I caught Potter spying. He stayed hidden behind his table in the dungeon for a long time and saw Karkaroff show me his Dark Mark," Severus explained, running a hand over the rim of the hot teacup. If the heat caused pain, Severus didn't let it show.
"Then how did Harry react?" I asked, looking at Severus' fingertips, which had turned slightly red.
"After Karkaroff escaped from the dungeon, Potter stammered that he had mopped up something and disappeared faster than I could deduct Gryffindor points," he said, raising his eyebrows slightly and refraining from continuing to burn his fingertips.
"That's saying something," I say with a grin. "And at least he did the second task of the tournament."
"Yes, but he was extremely stupid again. It's a good thing for him that the judges confused his rescue operations with heroism instead of stupidity," Severus said, bringing the hot liquid in the cup to his lips to my astonishment. But I was faster and tapped gently against it with my wand, so that it immediately lowered the temperature.
Severus paused for a moment and looked thoughtfully at his now somewhat cooled cup, as if he had only become aware of what he had just unconsciously intended.
We hardly saw each other for the next few weeks, because Severus was busy with the preparations for the last task of the tournament and I buried myself in my work at St. Mungo. I was grateful to be there, because the patients and my colleagues were able to distract me during the working hours from the danger Severus would inevitably have to put himself in. And although I felt a strong loneliness the nights without him, I didn't want them to pass by, because every night that passed, the Dark Mark on his arm grew stronger, was one less night without Voldemort.
Before the last task of the Triwizard Tournament, I saw him again. He looked pale and his eyes sparkled strangely. I knew immediately what this meant.
"The time has come. The Dark Mark is unmistakable. It's just like it was when the Dark Lord was in power. It's time, he's going to call his followers together at any moment," he said softly as I took him by the hands. Tears inevitably ran down my cheeks, I closed my arms tightly around him, just didn't want to let him go to Hogwarts and didn't want to lose sight of him.
It was the last hours, maybe his last hours, and I actually wanted to be with him, lie in his arms, give him courage and confidence. But he had to go to Harry, protect him, accompany him safely out of this tournament.
"Do you think it's going to happen tonight?" I asked, my throat tightened.
"Possibly. I don't know," he said in a low voice, unconsciously running his left forearm.
"How will you notice when he calls you?" I asked, while Severus twitched slightly at the question.
"It's turning black, it's like a burn," he replied, making sure his sleeve and cloak were consistently covering his forearm before turning his gaze to my eyes, which were widened with fear.
"Listen, I'll give you a message. I have to put myself back in his service, as agreed with Dumbledore. We must lay down our contact until further notice, when I am his servant again," he said deliberately, avoiding my gaze by staring at the sea that opened up in front of us in the twilight. I wanted to disagree, shout that it was unfair. But I just nodded anxiously, the fear constricted my throat. I couldn't imagine being in the dark while he would face his former master.
Severus turned to me, looked into my eyes and probably recognized all that was hidden inside me.
"Only until I'm sure I'm not being persecuted and know that the Dark Lord trusts me completely again. You know it's necessary. I must not put us in danger. The Dark Lord will initially react with skepticism to my return. He may let me watch for the first few days." Severus looked at me piercingly, as if trying to get me to agree with him. I couldn't help him and nodded while at the same time holding him even tighter.
"Severus, I want you to know that I love you. Always. And forever," I whispered over my lips, which didn't quite want to follow me. I felt like everything inside me was suffocating, but I felt hot tears running down my cheeks.
Severus looked at me, running a finger over my wet cheeks before kissing me softly on my mouth.
"I'll remember that," he breathed. "Maybe we'll see us tonight, after the maze. Goodbye, Catherine!"
He kissed me on the forehead before suddenly disappearing, dressed up at Hogwarts before the final task of the Triwizard Tournament. And I stood alone in front of the rushing sea, feeling the warm summer breeze and still his warm and soft lips on me.
But the time was unbearable without him and I tried to distract myself until the evening by sprucing up my front yard. I plucked weeds, drove away garden gnomes, but all him in my mind. And I suspected it.
After the Triwizard Tournament, Severus did not come to me as arranged. Instead, I received a message from Tiberius, whom I had stationed at Hogwarts with Severus.
"It's as expected. The Dark Lord has risen again. I'm going to him. Stay careful!" I read. His tight handwriting seemed unusually sloppy, as if he hadn't had time to write.
I was shaking all over as the parchment fell from my hands to the ground. The most difficult moment had arrived, the one on which all further plans depended: would Voldemort accept his return, would he put his trust in Severus again? Or does he find out the real plan? Does Voldemort find out Severus' love for me? Or does he just kill him instead without listening to Severus' hunting explanation?
I felt dizzy and couldn't take it any longer.
"Tibi, go and find a mouse. Thank you for your services," I said softly to the cooing owl and gave an owl cookie. I watched as the bird hesitantly flew through the window under a full moon before closing it behind him.
I went to my pantry in the kitchen and quickly found what I was looking for. Not only had I prepared various healing potions in the last few weeks, but also everything for myself, when that moment came, because I suspected that it would be used. I reached for a potion that gave me a dreamless sleep and would calm me down. I could no longer hold my own thoughts, so I let the burning and bitter purple liquid slide down my throat in the hope of relief, which was immediate, as I slid onto the couch.
I was startled when the next day came. Staggering, I rose and dragged myself to the front door, where the latest Daily Prophet was waiting for me. Desperately, I leafed through it and I found... nothing, no clue to the Dark Lord. Incredulous and angry, I threw the newspaper into the fireplace, but it did not burn, so I helped with a fire spell.
Unable to eat, I reached for another Calming Draught. But my fear for Severus remained palpable, so I couldn't shake off the nausea inside me. Everything in me was in a state of excitement and fear. It was hard for me to breathe and my heart pounded painfully in my own chest, which seemed to be much too tight. The Calming Draught didn't seem to have any effect and so I took another Dreamless Sleep Potion and slept again until the next day came.
My stomach growled, but I still felt sick from worrying about Severus. It was as if a hole had burned through my entire body. And I still found no news of him, no indication of his survival. What was that supposed to mean? I tried to read and leafed through a book about black magic and its resistance, but the letters blurred from the many tears that literally shot from my eyes. Again, I staggered to my pantry, grabbed another potion and collapsed again on the couch as the effect fell over me like a black veil and I could just sleep through another day and night.
When I woke up, I had the most terrible headache of my life. I knew I had put too many potions on my body, but what was I supposed to do instead? I was pounding in my head and trying to think clearly. But I Knew, it couldn't possibly go on like this. I pulled myself together and stuffed a dry loaf of bread into my mouth before I ran to the bathroom. My face in the mirror frightened myself, for the present stared at me from tearful eyes with a horrible grimace of concern. However, with a wave of the wand, I was washed and fresh. The hair brushed and shiny. My usual appearance, apart from the dark circles under my red eyes, the pallor of my skin and the worry lines that adorned my face.
I put on a new dress, grabbed my cloak and left this lonely cottage. I just tried to walk, even if it was more of a sway. I needed energy to go to Dumbledore and get the information I needed. After all, he had to know, because he was the one who had sent Severus on this mission. I swallowed at the thought of what would happen if I heard what I dreaded most in the world.
The sea was stormy and the waves roared against the coast, I walked slowly alone along the beach. I looked out at the vastness of the sea, there was something unfathomable in it, as if it were not self-determined so in turmoil.
My body was still shaking, almost like the sea, and I walked barefoot into the roaring water, which magically attracted me, literally dragged me towards him. It made me feel, even if it was coldness that rose in me, it was finally a feeling other than this numbing fear for him.
What if he was dead? I felt the cold water flickering at me as if it wanted to challenge me, pull me towards it. I walked a little further in, wondering if there would be any point in all this without him.
Should I immediately write to Dumbledore, or Apparate at least to him? No, it was still too early for that, only 3 days and nights had passed. I had to give Severus time. Trust Him. He would come to me if he knew it was safe. But when would that be? And an uneasy feeling gnawed at me, because it was as if all the danger in which Severus had placed himself was palpable.
I felt the ice-cold water clapping against my legs and hips. How was I supposed to endure all this? If he was dead, then my fate would be sealed, I realized. I would just be here and disappear into the sea as if I had never existed.
I didn't know how long I was standing there, looking at the horizon, my legs flowed through a coldness of the water around me, salty. But at some point, however, I no longer felt the coldness of the water, my body seemed to have gotten used to it, or the nagging fear paralyzed all other sensations in the meantime.
Trembling, I went back to my cottage. I would brew myself another potion so that I could just sleep through the next few days and nights. My feelings were just too much for me. For the first time in my life, I didn't want to feel anything, I didn't want to think anymore, I didn't want to be anything anymore and I didn't want to mean anything.
Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a dark figure running out of my cottage. I heard a shout. My name? But I fell, and a darkness suddenly surrounded me, as if it had been the answer to my plea.
I was lying in my bed, above me a worried face framed by black hair. Was that a dream? It felt like that. I felt numb, no sound came to my ear, everything seemed to be made of cotton wool.
"Drink this," a familiar voice in my head said, and I felt a bitter liquid run down my throat. A Invigoration Draught. I had brewed it myself often enough not to recognize its smell, taste and texture. But I fell asleep before I could ask questions, overwhelmed by the exhaustion of my own feelings.
"Don't worry, I'm here," Severus whispered in a brittle voice as I half-opened my eyelids against the glare of the morning sun.
I smiled. Not a dream. He was really here. Severus was alive and he held my hand in his. Suddenly, happiness burst over me and I began to cry uncontrollably. He pressed my torso against him and held me in silence. He waited until I regained my composure and could speak.
"Catherine, I was so scared when you weren't here. I thought the Dark Lord had found you in my thoughts..."
"Now you know how I've been doing the last few days. I was sick with worry." My voice sounded strangely distorted, as if it was from another person.
Severus looked at me sadly, his eyes moistened and shiny.
"I'm sorry, I had to wait until I was absolutely sure that the Dark Lord had no suspicions, that he would not pursue me further. Even if your owl wanted to drag me towards you with its beak," he said softly, squeezing my hand tighter before lovingly pulling a strand of hair out of my pale face.
"Tibi was with you?", I asked in awe, I hadn't seen the owl in my foggy state the last few days but hadn't given it any further thought.
"Yes, he certainly wanted a letter for you to put your mind at ease, but I couldn't risk that. But he didn't let up," Severus said and pushed his sleeve back a little on his right arm so that I could make out some scratch and bite marks there. "That was from this morning, the other wounds he inflicted on me, I have already taken care of."
"He must have been worried," I said, grinning and shaking my head at Tibi's rigidity.
"A strange bird," Severus replied, running a finger lovingly over my smiling lips before my face became serious again.
"And the Dark Lord accepted it? That you stayed with Dumbledore to protect yourself from Azkaban? That you thought he was destroyed?" I asked softly, my voice still not used to speaking and sounding scratchy.
"Yes," he replied dryly.
"Your skills in Occlumency never fail to impress me, Severus," I said, stroking his cheek affectionately. "Oh Severus, I thought you... he would have you..." I couldn't finish the sentence, but I didn't have to. He looked deep into my eyes, his black hit me directly.
"I know," he breathed and we kissed passionately before telling me all about the end of the Triwizard Tournament.
It was horrible what Harry experienced. The death of the Hufflepuff student had been an avoidable victim. But the Dark Lord liked to kill. And the fact that Alastor Moody was actually a Death Eater under Polyjuice Potion shocked me deeply. But now it all made sense like the break-ins at Severus' office, the stolen ingredients, and his even more peculiar behavior. And the thought of the real Alastor vegetating in his own suitcase for the entire school year was a real torture.
Severus also told me how Dumbledore gave him the order to return to Voldemort's side as a double spy.
"Then I came face to face with the Dark Lord. I followed his call with the touch of my Dark Mark and was promptly ported to an old dilapidated mansion. I had to pull myself together not to look startled when I saw him sitting by the fireplace. He resembled the image of a snake, red eyes and slits as his mouth and nose. He sent everyone present out of the room before rising. He asked why I came to him so late. What about my loyalty and whether my will to win is still unbroken. With each answer, he searched deep into my thoughts., memories and ... feelings," he explained, looking surprised that he had actually managed to avoid death through Voldemort's distrust.
"And the death of Lily?" I asked, looking expectantly into his eyes, over which a short shadow crept at the mention of her name.
"I told him the truth. That I didn't love Lily as much as I used to, and that I now also share his view that there is another much more suitable woman for me whose value would be invaluable to me. Of course, he didn't have to know that this woman is already in my life or that she is also Muggle-born," he said and grinned mockingly, which immediately reassured me as much as the fact that he was with me and Voldemort seemed to trust him.
"It was inconceivably and too much to take, I can hardly imagine," I replied, still feeling the shock in my bones.
"Yes. It was hard, I had to hide a lot of things from him. He was skeptical at first, but I was able to convince him with specific information about Dumbledore," he explained, trying to smile, but he only made a distorted grimace. I put my hand on his back to gently caress him, he barely twitched under my touch. And something in his gaze told me that he was hiding somewhat from me.
"What do you have? An injury?" I asked and wanted to take off his robe, but he fought back with a clear shake of his head.
"It's nothing. It's all good," he said, avoiding my inquiring gaze.
"Severus, can you show me?" I asked him quietly after a while, Severus turned pale immediately.
"No, that... I can't show you," he said softly, looking at his hand in mine.
"Then tell me. What happened?" I asked. "It wasn't all you told me."
"I don't want to worry you." However, his voice sounded uncertain and I now gently placed my hands on his robe and opened it, revealing a black shirt underneath. Severus stiffened his body, but he let me go, his black hair fell into his forehead and he breathed harder as I slowly unbuttoned his shirt, but I knew it wasn't from sexual desire this time.
And when the shirt fell to the ground, I also knew what it was. I was startled by the mere sight of his new scars on his body. They were treated well, but they were still visible and causing pain.
"What?" my trembling voice asked, strangely enraptured, as I couldn't breathe.
"The Dark Lord had to make sure he could trust me completely," he said softly, squeezing my hand tightly, his eyes seemed strangely empty.
"Severus..." I closed my arms around his battered torso. "What exactly happened?"
"I had the honor that the Dark Lord took my interrogation into his own hands. He has a penchant for the Cruciatus curse and sectumsempra." His voice failed and I saw a tear running from his eye for the first time in a very long time.
His own spell had led to these scars. I couldn't imagine the extent of his pain internally and externally. I remembered the agonizing screams of Regulus when he got the Cruciatus curse. But for him it was only once and briefly. How Severus must have suffered from a excruciating ordeal. I immediately thought of Alice and Frank, their fate could have been his too. At that thought, I felt the last color drain from my face, making way for cold sweat.
"Who treated you?" I asked him, running my hand over his wounds to see if there was anything else I could do.
"The Dark Lord closed most of it while I lay on the floor, shaken with convulsions. I then went back to Hogwarts and reported to Dumbledore while Poppy did the rest," Severus explained in a strange voice, as monotonous as if he were talking about the weather. In me, on the other hand, everything contracted at the thought as if I was about to explode.
"That's why you haven't come here the last few days. You were lying in pain in the Hogwarts hospital wing."; I was horrified to find that all my fears were well-founded, my terrible feeling was real.
The man I loved so much was tortured to get the truth out of him. I just couldn't believe it, everything inside me was screaming because of this extreme danger he was in, this injustice. Why did he have to suffer so much? Hadn't he already had enough? What else did this man have to endure? Severus could have died and I would hardly have known about it.
Tears welled up in my eyes as Severus breathed heavily in my arms. But he escaped my grip, looked at me sadly, and took my tears from his cheeks.
"You see, because of this, I had to wait until I was healed again. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid, your fear for me. That's exactly what I never wanted to do to you. Forgive me," he said in a hushed voice, his lips pressed tightly together as if he could do something for this gruesome fate that pierced him.
I shook my head.
"No, Severus. Please, don't blame yourself. It's what is expected of you that scares me, not you," I said softly. I looked into his bottomless black eyes, which wanted to penetrate me, to sift through every inch of my thoughts and feelings.
"I know you've been through all of this before. With another man." It was as if he was looking to put more blame on his shoulders, but I wouldn't let that happen.
"You know it was and is my decision to be with you, even though I didn't know that this included seeing you hurt or... to lose you."
I closed my eyes for a moment, tried to organize my thoughts, to control my emotions, but I felt that it was infinitely difficult not to scream, not to burst into a storm of tears at the thought of what happened to Severus, and it made me afraid of what he still has to endure. This feeling of not being able to do anything about it, not protecting him, gnawed at me, it literally burned through my crying heart.
We were silent together for a while and held hands, because the fear of losing each other was apparently too strong for both of us until my mind turned on again.
"Severus, wait. I have something that could take away your wounds..." I got up swaying and went to the cupboard where I kept various healing potions. I had increased it in the last few weeks. Through my work at St. Mungo, I also gained rare and precious resources to make particularly effective potions.
I rummaged through the many vials quickly and concentrated until I discovered one with a dark red, shimmering liquid.
"Take off your clothes," I said and sat down next to him on the bed. I was still slightly dizzy myself, but Severus took precedence.
Severus looked at me and hesitated, but by my gaze he realized that he had no choice. He sighed as he also got rid of his pants and underpants. Various wounds also appeared on his legs.
I opened the vial and immediately the liquid exuded an herbaceous scent with a hint of mango. Severus tensed his body as I applied the healing potion to his skin.
He saw his reddened skin swell immediately and gasped a little dumbfounded.
"What's that?" he asked in a rough voice. "I don't recognize it."
"Well, it's an idiosyncratic mix of mine. It contains, among other things, dittany, murtlap essence, dragon scales, graphorn horn, some mandrake root, arnica and mango," I explained, gently dabbing over the wounds on his back as I saw him smile softly.
"So, you've tried something new," he said, his eyes glaring at me. "And used mango so that the ingredients don't take away each other's healing properties. Very smart."
"You're inspiring me, Severus. And I figured that it can't hurt to have as many healing potions as possible when the Dark Lord returns. I hope I can help out in the Order as well." I immediately bit my lower lip when I saw him tense up again. It was a topic that we had largely avoided until now. My work in the Order of the Phoenix.
"And what's next?" I asked quietly, because I didn't know if I would like the answer.
"Well, you've already noticed that the Daily Prophet doesn't say anything about what really happened at the Triwizard Tournament. Dumbledore fears that the Ministry will deny everything under Fudge. He gave Black the order to find Lupin and activate the old order with him," Severus said and looked at my facial expressions in particular during the last sentence and I knew this was the time to tell him about my decision in this regard.
