XXX Chapter 39: The Shatter

"I…," he started. "Deceit."

Patton took a deep breath in.

"I think you know how it affected Thomas when you were gone. Which isn't your fault- that's not my point," Patton continued, rushing through his words to make sure Deceit didn't misunderstand. "I just mean, everyone was kinda forced to pay attention to everything you do. Lies weren't the only things affected by your absence. And out of all of us, I probably had the smallest amount of extra tasks to keep up with, but I still saw what everyone else did. I had to see pieces of what you do."

Deceit was watching him, face impassive aside from what had become a slow, steady stream of tears following the trail left behind by the first. Deceit didn't try to wipe these away, either.

"And it made me realize that not all of your functions are bad or wrong. Since you're Deceit, I focused too much on that part of you, and not the other parts," continued the moral side. "But your functions as self-preservation and desires and stuff like that are extremely important to Thomas."

He tried to look Deceit in the eyes, wanting to convey that he meant what he was saying.

"So, I think that it wouldn't necessarily be bad for Thomas to listen to you sometimes," he finished.

And again, Deceit was quiet for a long minute, but then Patton noticed that Deceit's tears were increasing in frequency, and his hands were shaking slightly. He clenched them into tight fists and tried to blink away the tears, but to no avail. Within a few additional seconds, Deceit's face was crumpling, and he was curling into himself on the couch, hiding his face away within his knees.

It wasn't enough to stop Patton from hearing the tiny, restrained sobs.

What did he do? How had he messed up again? Which part of what he said had been the trigger for making Deceit cry?

"Deceit?"

He couldn't quite bring himself to ask, but he managed to make himself call out.

"… Y-you still don't get it."

Deceit's voice was a quiet whisper, choked out between the sounds of his crying.

"I don't know why I e-even bothered thinking you would."

Patton hated this. He'd really just made everything worse again, hadn't he?

"Deceit, I'm sorry-"

"No, you're not!" Deceit shouted, suddenly looking up at him with his tear-streaked face. "You don't even have a-any fucking idea why I'm crying, do you?! So how can you be fucking sorry?!"

Patton himself curled slightly inward, his shoulders dropping and his head looking down.

"… Because I didn't mean to make you cry."

Deceit stared at him in shock for just a moment before burying his face again, shaking his head. Patton could already tell that this was going to escalate, and most likely, Deceit was going to end up feeling even worse. And he didn't want that, but he didn't know how to fix it.

"Deceit-"

"SHUT UP!" the man roared. "I HATE YOU! I fucking hate you!"

He let out another sob, this one louder than the others.

"… I hate you…"

He was sobbing openly now, not even making any attempt to stifle his cries. And apparently, Deceit was loud enough to catch someone else's attention.

Remus came charging into the room, his own face twisted into rage as he rushed forward to check on Deceit. Upon seeing the scene in front of him, his head swiveled toward Patton.

"What did you do?!" he demanded.

"I…"

Patton felt his throat close up as he tried to answer, preventing the words from escaping past his lips. This, it seemed, just made Remus angrier.

"Oh, just fuck off," he growled roughly, gathering Deceit into his arms.

"But-"

"I SAID TO FUCK OFF!"

And even though Patton wanted to stay, wanted to try to fix whatever he'd done, the look on Remus's face told him not to try.

So, despite his hesitation, Patton quickly left the room.

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Remus wanted to kill Patton.

Janus had finally been starting to get better recently, and now Paton had pulled some kind of stupid stunt and made Janus start crying. And it would be one thing if the man had done something minor that made Janus just a little upset, but Remus could immediately tell that this was much worse. Whatever Patton did, it had made Janus flat-out sob and yell at him. Which wasn't exactly abnormal nowadays, but it was still usually caused by something important.

And really, as angry as Janus could get sometimes, he usually wasn't one to shout about how he hated someone to their faces. The last time he'd done that had been the final argument before Virgil left, as it was usually reserved for when he was trying to get someone to leave after he'd reached his limit. Whether he meant it or not, Janus didn't usually say 'I hate you' quite so directly unless he was too angry to do anything else and wanted to end whatever conversation was happening by making the other party storm off.

In Patton's case, Remus thought Janus might really hate him, and Remus understood the sentiment. Patton and Remus had been forced into a kind of truce/tolerance of each other by the circumstances, and Janus had more-or-less been in a similar kind of stalemate, but the two of them had spent their entire lives at odds with the moral side. For Remus, that didn't bother him that much, aside from how it affected his ability to interact with Thomas. He didn't really care about what goody-little-pattycake thought about him. Janus, however, had a lot more beef with the man, personal and otherwise. The two of them had years of arguments behind them, followed by years of judgment and dismissal. Morality influenced both the other sides and Thomas so that they believed Deceit to be evil. And, what was likely the poisoned cherry on top, Remus knew that Janus partially blamed Patton for Virgil leaving. Even feeling guilt for his own actions, it was still hard for him not to feel like even Virgil had been taken away by Patton.

So, maybe Janus really did hate Patton, or maybe, there was some chance he didn't, but regardless, he was clearly upset. And that certainly made Remus hate Patton right then.

Janus hadn't said anything to him, but he was clinging onto his shirt as he held him, his tears still not having dried.

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Patton didn't approach him for a few days after. In fact, it seemed as though the man was actively avoiding him, hiding away in his room, and Janus didn't particularly mind it. He wasn't exactly keen on interacting with Patton again so soon, either.

He couldn't believe he'd been so stupid. For just a moment, he'd really thought that Patton might have understood. But he didn't. He'd just rambled about how all of Deceit's perceptions were incorrect and then told him 'oh, don't worry, a few pieces of you are useful, so congrats, you have some worth :3!'

It hurt, and he hated that Patton still didn't understand how much or why it did. He'd said that Deceit needed to communicate with him better, or he wouldn't know he was doing something wrong, but how much clearer did he need to be? Considering he was Deceit, he was already being extremely honest, and beyond that, this wasn't even the first time he'd explicitly laid out his issues with the other man. He'd tried playing the game Morality's way, and it had still gotten him nowhere.

Patton said he really did care, that his attempts to be friends and work things out weren't just motivated by a desire to mitigate his own negative feelings. But if that were the case, then wouldn't he actually listen for once?

It all just felt like an act, some attempt to look and feel like a good person without any substance behind it. And yet, Morality couldn't actually be bothered, could he? Deceit was always wrong, after all, so clearly, his perceptions of his own life couldn't possibly be correct, and even if things affected him, well that wasn't anyone's fault, now was it? Even if it was unfortunate, there was simply nothing to be done about it, because poor little Patton hadn't meant to do anything. Perhaps Deceit was simply misunderstanding or exaggerating or being mean, so Morality just needed to set him straight. Deceit was always wrong, and if Deceit was always wrong, there wasn't any reason to actually think about anything he said, because it was all useless anyway.

Really, the entire thing had really knocked the wind right out of his sails. He'd been gradually getting better, even with the peaks and valleys, but in the days following their argument, Janus had been feeling decidedly dreadful. His chest hurt with a deep ache, and he was once again feeling a desire to hide himself away in his room, lest he run into Patton by accident. His body felt like it was harder to move, and he mostly just wanted to curl up on his bed and feel the heavy weight of blankets surrounding him, hoping that the pressure would be enough to push the walls of the chasm in his chest back together again.

The others didn't seem to know what had happened- he himself hadn't been forthcoming with information, and it seemed that Patton wasn't any more willing. For him, he wasn't even entirely sure why he was hiding the information. Maybe it was because it hurt to talk about it, or maybe the issue, with all its tiny threads built up over a lifetime, were too confusing to explain properly without making him feel like he was insane. Or maybe he was just hiding it because he could, holding onto some scrap of his function and relishing in the ability to just keep his mouth shut for once in the many months since his return (Or maybe he was worried that everyone would take Morality's side again).

The others weren't really pressing him too hard for the details of what happened, but they were trying to get him to come out of his room. Virgil had even gone as far as blatantly telling him that Patton was going to stay in his room for the afternoon, so he didn't have to worry about interacting with him. And he hated it, because he really didn't want to be doing all this again, even if he knew he would end up back here eventually.

But he had really wished that he could feel hopeful for just a little longer.

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Patton had spent a few days in his room. Partly, it was because he felt ashamed and didn't want to face anyone or their questions, but the other part was because he wanted to think Deceit's words over and try to figure out where exactly he'd gone wrong.

He hadn't even locked himself away for a week, and even then, he was still leaving to get food and take care of a few things. He was avoiding everyone, but he wasn't entirely isolated. How had Deceit managed to stay in his room for months, without even coming out at all? Patton was already starting to feel his mental state decline from it, and no matter how bad he felt, he couldn't imagine keeping this up much longer.

He didn't think he should, either. Really, he needed to finish his conversation with Deceit, hopefully better prepared now that he'd spent quite a bit of time doing some self reflection.

And so, he decided to leave the nostalgic comfort of his room and make his way over to Deceit's bedroom, finding the door expectedly closed. He doubted it was locked, but even still, he knocked on the door.

He didn't get a response, but that wasn't exactly unexpected, either.

He knocked a few more times, but still heard nothing.

"Deceit?" he called out eventually.

Perhaps letting Deceit know it was him at the door would make him even less favorable toward responding, but he didn't know what else to do, other than simply throwing open the door and invading the man's privacy.

Surprisingly, this garnered a response, even if not a favorable one:

"… Go away, Patton."

The voice was just loud enough to be heard, and there wasn't much force behind it, so Patton tried to persist.

"I really think we should talk, Deceit."

There was a long pause, and Patton thought he wasn't going to receive another response.

"… Why do we have to talk on your terms?" Deceit called back, a slight edge of sharpness in the tone. "Why do you get to decide when we talk?"

Deceit had a point. Perhaps Patton was ready to talk, but that didn't mean Deceit was, and considering that he was trying to fix his mistakes with the man, perhaps Patton should let the conversation happen on his terms.

"… You're right," Patton accepted, trying not to sound too defeated. "We'll talk when you're ready, okay? Just, for now… I'm sorry. I know you probably think I don't mean it, but I do."

And with that, Patton left him alone.

XXX

After their brief interaction through the door, both Patton and Janus started venturing out of their rooms a bit more, the two of them having apparently resolved to just directly interact as little as possible until Deceit was ready to talk. Which meant that, whenever they happened to share a room, Patton mostly gave Janus sad looks while Janus ignored him.

It had been about two weeks of awkward silence between the two before Janus felt like he was ready to talk to Patton again. He still didn't really want to, still didn't have much hope for it, but he was getting tired of feeling this way, and maybe, there was a chance that something would happen that would let him just stop caring or something. Maybe he could finally get that last bit of hope out of his head so he could move on without ever needing to care about what Patton said or did to him again.

It was getting late, and everyone had retired to their rooms. Janus, meanwhile, found himself standing in front of Patton's door. He'd already made the decision to talk, and he was already standing there, but he was having a hard time with the actually knocking part.

He must have been standing there for a while, as Patton eventually opened the door on his own. Apparently, he hadn't been expecting to see Deceit standing in his doorway, so he jumped in surprise, though it lasted only a second, quickly replaced by an awkward air.

"Oh! Deceit!" he gasped. "Um, hi?"

Janus took a deep breath, opened his mouth, and closed it again. Patton gave him a look and decided to be the one to say something again.

"Do you… want to talk?"

An urge to just turn around and leave prodded at him from the back of his mind, but he told himself that he'd already made his decision, so it would have to be ignored.

Instead, he nodded.

"Oh. Okay!" Patton agreed, looking almost relieved. "Um… wanna go sit in the kitchen?"

Janus shrugged but started walking down the hall anyway, leaving Patton to follow behind him. They were silent on their way, the trip thankfully short.

"Do you want me to make some tea?" Patton asked as they entered the room.

Deceit let out a breath.

"No."

Patton just nodded and sat down at the table, Janus doing the same.

He may have been the one to decide to talk this time, but now that the two of them were sitting across from each other, Janus found himself at a loss for words. So, he just blurted out the first thing he could.

"I hate you."

And Patton just smiled at him sadly.

"I know," he said, letting out a sigh. "I've spent some time thinking, you know…"

Janus just looked at him, still not having collected his words enough to respond properly.

"I'm sorry I never listen to you," Patton continued. "Even if my perspective on things is different, that doesn't mean yours is necessarily wrong. I shouldn't have argued with you so much when you were telling me how you felt and how things have affected you. I should have spent more time listening and less time trying to defend myself."

And really, Janus had to hide his shock. He really hadn't expected Patton to even get that far with all of this, seeing as he never had before, but perhaps spending some time forcing himself to think had finally made some of the pieces click together.

"Okay," Janus breathed out, nodding. "… Okay."

He didn't know what else to say, and it seemed that Patton had lost the ability to speak as well now that he'd apologized, so that left the two of them in uncomfortable silence again.

Eventually, Janus gathered himself up enough to continue.

"Patton," he spoke, voice quiet. "Do you understand now why I got so upset? Because your defensiveness was only part of it."

He could see Patton's eyebrows crinkle slightly.

Slowly, he shook his head.

"I'm sorry, I don't think I do," Patton admitted. "If it's something other than that. I'm sorry."

And that just made a spike of rage insert itself back into Janus's heart, the emotion overwhelming him almost instantly. It seemed that a few days of self-reflection could only get the moral side so far.

"Do you seriously not think that going on about how a few pieces of me are useful enough to give me value could be a little upsetting?!" he angrily questioned. "Did you seriously think it would make me happy to hear that the reason you changed your opinion of me is because you realized I wasn't completely worthless?!"

It was probably too late for him to be shouting, but he didn't really care. He just hoped that, if he happened to wake anyone up, they had the sense to leave them be.

Now, it was Patton's turn to be shocked. He was staring at Janus with wide eyes, covering his mouth with one hand. For a second, Janus wondered whether he'd accidentally used his silencing powers, but then Patton put his hand down on his own.

"Oh my gosh, Deceit, I'm sorry," Patton apologized again. "That wasn't how I meant it, but… it kind of is, isn't it?"

Janus had tensed once it seemed like Patton was starting to defend his words again, but even when he didn't, he didn't feel much better.

"You think?!" Deceit yelled. "All this time, I've been trying to get you to understand one fucking thing, Patton! I'm trying to get you to listen to me so you finally get it into your head that it's not about which parts of me are 'good', or which parts are 'bad'!"

He stood up from his chair, the legs screeching against the tile floor loudly as it got pushed back.

"No part of my functions are inherently bad! Lying can be useful and sometimes necessary, and selfishness is essential! Secrets and repression can keep people safe until they're out of a bad situation!"

He flung his hands out dramatically, hoping that his point would finally be understood.

"It's not about right to wrong; it's about frequency and context!" he continued. "Obviously it's a stupid idea to lie if it's going to get you into more trouble, and it's stupid to be so selfish that no one likes you anymore! But that has never been what I've wanted!"

He kept his gaze firmly on Patton, who was just sitting there, listening to him and looking at him.

"My opinions on all these damn situations you all argue about might not always be right, but they're not always wrong, either! Just like how your opinions aren't always right, or Roman's opinions aren't always right, or Logan's opinions aren't always right! There's a fucking middle ground 90% of the time, and that has almost always been what I've been trying to advocate for!"

He took a breath in, feeling the air hiss between his teeth.

"But instead of realizing that, you always just assigned me to be your opposite, and no matter how close to your side I was, it was still just as opposite as any other point along the continuum!" he continued. "Because I'm Deceit, you've only ever focused on how bad I am, even though nothing about me is inherently evil! Sometimes, lying can hurt people, and other times, it can protect yourself or someone else! Sometimes, having a clear head can help you make decisions, but ignoring emotions can still lead you to the wrong ones! Being creative and having high aspirations gives life meaning, but it can be detrimental if you don't mix some reality into it! Darker thoughts can be interesting and give you a healthy dose of awareness, but too much can affect your mental health! A little bit of anxiety motivates you and keeps you safe, but too much is debilitating! And having morals keeps the entire world from turning into a shit-show, but refusing to ever budge on those morals will inevitably backfire when your inflexible ideas can't cope with a new situation!"

At this point, he was pretty sure that the others really were just choosing to stay in their rooms, because he was practically shouting as loud as he could.

"We're not fucking five anymore, Patton! The world is complicated, and sometimes, you won't know the answers, and sometimes, you're wrong! And pretending otherwise so you don't have to feel conflicted isn't going to lead us anywhere!"

At that, Janus felt his words run dry again, leaving him breathing heavily to catch up with the many breaths he'd missed while ranting. It was also at this point that he decided to sit back down. Patton didn't say anything, and neither did he, the two of them just sitting at the kitchen table and staring at each other as the silence stretched out between them.

They stared for a long time, long enough for Janus's breathing to return to normal and for the rage to settle down until he just felt tired. If, after all that, Patton still didn't get it, then it really would be a lost cause.

But, after a very long while, Patton gave him a slow nod.

"Okay," he said. "I… think I understand now…"

The moral side looked down at the table.

"I know we're not children…," he continued. "And things don't always fit in the boxes I want to put them in… Thomas has been working on some of his beliefs in therapy, and I think I need to start working on some of my beliefs too. I… I can't promise that it'll be quick, and I'm probably going to mess up again, but I'm going to try really hard to work on that, okay? I'm… I'm so sorry, Deceit… I…"

And Janus still wasn't entirely happy with the response, still wished that Morality's resolve sounded more decisive, but…

It was a start.

XXX

So, only one chapter left. The final chapter is an epilogue, so it's not super long, but I feel like it ties up the story. For those of you disappointed that this story is coming to a close, this one may be over, but I do have a back-log of finished (and also some unfinished) fics I haven't posted yet, so if you like my stories, keep an eye out ;3. I started writing this fic at the end of 2021, so this fic has been in my life for a while lol.

I hope y'all will like the ending, which I will post soon!

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