Author's Note: Holy moly! I actually banged out a chapter for this one! No promises on more or when I'll get more done. But I def had this one in my head and got it down for you guys. Sooooo happy reading…dark rolling sea.

CHAPTER NINETEENTom Chandler

It was time. Tom felt the panic starting to override his system. His breathing was irregular, coming fast and harsh. His eyes were dimming, the sound of rushing water was roaring through his ears. His palms were sweaty, and his body was shaking.

Anger mixed with the panic. He was mad at himself. All he was doing was meeting with his daughter, and a full-on panic attack was rendering him worthless. He squeezed his eyes closed and tried to override the attack. His feet were riveted to his living room floor.

Then there was a hand on his forearm, gentle and loving. He felt his shoulders slump, the rigidity leaving his muscles. The fingers of the hand flexed, caressing his skin softly. He sucked in a deep breath, holding it for a beat then released it.

"We can wait if you're not ready," Sasha's gentle voice reached his ears. The roar dulled; his mind focused on her. He opened his eyes and stared at his front door.

"No. I need to do this," he whispered. "I…"

"Tom, I'm right next to you all night," she whispered. "I'll be strong enough for both of us."

He nodded his understanding. With one last deep breath and broke from her and walked out his front door. He climbed into the truck as Sasha slid into the driver seat. The drive was short, and Tom felt another round of panic setting in as they pulled into Garnett's driveway. He felt Sasha's eyes on him, but he didn't make a move to get out.

"Are you okay?" Sasha asked quietly. Tom slowly turned his neck and looked at her. He was battling the wild panic bubbling and he was growing angry with himself again, but he nodded slowly. He then reached over and opened the truck door and exited the vehicle.

Tom walked up to Garnett's door and stood. Sasha came up behind him, a supportive hand on his arm. He closed his eyes, pushed the panic down and then reached out and knocked on the door. It wasn't long before Garnett opened it. She looked at him, neither of them spoke. He saw the look of concern cross over her face before she stepped aside and waved a hand back, inviting him into her home.

"Ashley's right over there," she said quietly as she then walked away and disappeared somewhere into the house. Tom stepped through the door and froze in the middle of the room. Sasha came in, stopping beside him. Her hand reached out, took hold of his, squeezed it once then let go.

"Do you want me to stay in the room?" she asked quietly. Tom thought a moment, then slowly shook his head. Sasha gave him a gentle pat on his arm then she walked away from him, heading towards what Tom figured was the kitchen.

He stood rooted to the floor, staring at his daughter. Ashley was staring at her hands as she sat on the couch. Tom was at a loss, but then he cleared his throat. Ashley looked up at him. Guilt, fear, pain, all flooded Tom's brain.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as tears burned his eyes. He watched as Ashley's eyes watered up, then the tears spilled down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Baby," he continued, his voice low and cracking. He took a stiff step forward, then moved towards the couch, sitting down next to her. She turned so she was facing him.

"It's okay, Dad," she mumbled back, but Tom shook his head.

"No, it's not okay. What I did—"

"Wasn't on purpose," Ashley cut him off. Tom stopped and let the tears fall. His chin dropped to his chest, and he closed his eyes. He didn't deserve her understanding; he didn't deserve any of this. But then Sasha's voice was in his head. He did deserve forgiveness. He did deserve their love. He slowly nodded as he brought his chest up.

"Do you understand what happened?" he asked in a low voice. Ashley was quiet for a moment. He watched her eyes as she thought about his question.

"I know it's PTSD. I know you didn't…choose to…leave us."

"Do you feel like I abandoned you?" Tom asked as the panic was starting to build inside him. His chest was tight, his breathing coming faster. Ashley didn't answer and Tom felt the panic surging faster. He fought the attack, but it was starting to overwhelm him.

His chest felt like there was a weight on it, he couldn't move air. His breathing was fast and harsh, his eyes were dimming, the roaring sound was crashing through his ears. He saw the concern in Ashley's face. Her lips were moving, but he wasn't completely sure what she was saying. Tom struggled to breath, he dropped his eyes from Ashely, embarrassed he couldn't control this.

His hands came up to his ears and he covered them, as he squeezed his eyes shut. He vaguely realized that Ashely had gotten up, and then someone was there in front of him. Gentle hands probing his arms. He forced his eyes open to find Sasha squatting between his legs. Her mouth was moving, but the roaring was in his ears. He flinched as he realized his dad was standing behind Sasha, the judging eyes cold and hard.

Sasha moved up, her face filling his vision. Her hands framed his face, gently stroking his beard. He focused on her mouth, trying to figure out what she was saying. His ears started to clear.

"Tom, it's okay, focus on me," Sasha said softly. Tom nodded, his eyes locking on hers. "Good, it's okay, just a little panic attack."

Tom nodded, as tears slipped down his cheeks. He was so very tired of these. He felt his breathing return to normal, his ears cleared, his vision came back. He squeezed his eyes shut as he saw his dad still standing there.

Sasha gently pulled his head down, nestling it on her chest, her lips next to his ear. Tom felt embarrassed.

"Are you okay?" Sasha asked him quietly. He nodded slowly. "You want to stay?" He nodded again.

"Yeah. Where's Ashley?" he asked in a whisper. Sasha stood up, letting him go. She looked over her shoulder.

"Garnett took her out of the room. She was a little freaked out," Sasha said as her hand rested gently on Tom's shoulder. He reached up and squeezed her hand then stood up himself.

"Can you ask them to come back in?"

"Yeah, you sure you're, okay?"

"It's fine," Tom said as he avoided looking at his dead father.

"Who do you see?" Sasha asked quietly. Tom's eyes snapped at her. She gave a sad smile. "I can read you pretty good by now, Tom."

"It's my dad. Don't worry about it," Tom said with a sigh. Sasha hesitated and Tom thought she was going to say more, but she didn't. She simply walked off to get Garnett and Ashely.

Ashley Chandler

Something was wrong with her dad. Ashley was concerned and a little scared. She had never seen him act like that…ever. She didn't know what to do or how to help so she got up and yelled for someone to come. The woman that had come with her dad came running in first. Cooper immediately went to her dad and squatted down. Ashley was frozen in place until she felt someone's hands gripping her shoulders. She looked and found Andrea.

"Come on, let's go in the other room," Andrea said, and Ashley nodded slowly, as tears spilled down her face.

"Is he okay?"

"I think it's some kind of panic attack, Sweetie. Let's give him some space for a minute."

"Okay," Ashley said as she followed Andrea towards the bedroom Ashley used when at the house. Once they were in the room, Andrea shut the door. Ashley sat down on the bed and stared at her feet. Andrea sat down next to her and draped an arm over her shoulders, pulling her to her side.

"Are you okay? That was a lot to take in," Andrea asked.

"I'm fine," Ashley said. She thought a moment. "Did I cause him to—"

"You didn't do anything wrong, Sweetie," Andrea said softly. "Sometimes these things just happen, and no one can predict or stop them. It's going to be okay."

"Is he ever going to be better?" Ashley asked in a very quiet voice. She felt fear wash through her.

"Yes," Andrea said confidently.

"Will he ever be the same again?" Ashley asked. She squeezed her eyes closed tightly.

"No. I don't think he will. But I don't think any of us ever will. The things I've seen, the things I've done, the things I've had happen to me. Changed me too. You, too. You've changed too."

"I know. I miss—"

"We all miss something, someone, all of it. I think about what life would be like if the pandemic never happened. But as much as I miss everything, especially my daughter and my husband, there are things about this life that I'm happy with too."

"Like you and Uncle Mike?" Ashley asked. Andrea smiled and squeezed Ashley against her.

"Yes, like your Uncle Mike. And I get to have this with you," she continued. Ashley nodded. They both looked up when a soft knock came at the door. "Come in," Andrea said.

The door came open and Cooper popped her head in. She took in the scene and Ashley stared right back at her. She wasn't sure what the woman's relationship with her father was, but she had seen how well he responded once she was there earlier. After a short pause, Cooper finally spoke.

"He's asking for both of you, if you're willing to come out," she said gently. Ashley nodded and looked at Andrea.

"It's up to you, Sweetie," Andrea said and squeezed Ashley's shoulders. Ashley nodded and stood up from the bed.

"Okay." Ashley followed Cooper out to the living room with Andrea coming up behind her. Her dad was sitting on the couch, staring at his feet. Ashley walked slowly around to the couch and sat down gingerly next to her dad.

"I'm sorry," her dad breathed out.

"You don't need to appo—"

"Not for…" her dad interrupted her. He paused. "Not because of the panic attack. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I broke. I'm sorry I abandoned you. I'm sorry I let everyone down. I'm sorry—"

"I never blamed you, Daddy," Ashley said in a sob. "I know this isn't your choice. I know now that it wasn't that we weren't enough to keep you from…breaking. I know—"

"You and Sam are what are driving me back," her dad breathed out. Ashley caught movement and glanced up to see Cooper step up behind her dad, placing her hands on his shoulders.

"I know. It hurt that you did what you did, but now that I…now that I understand what happened? I don't blame you. I love you, Daddy. I just want you to get better."

"I'm doing my best, Baby, I'm trying so hard to beat this. But my brain just…there's a lot going on."

"I know. And I know eventually Sammy will come around. He just feels…he feels abandoned. But he doesn't understand…he just doesn't understand why."

"I know there's a long journey ahead. And I hope that we can mend the rifts."

"Don't worry about me, Dad," Ashley said. She looked up at Cooper and then back at her dad. She watched as her dad processed what she just did. He sighed.

"I'll always worry about you, Ash, you're my daughter," he said then looked up at Cooper. Ashley bit her lower lip. "I should have done this before. Ashley, I'd like you to meet Sasha Cooper. Sasha, this is my daughter Ashley."

"Nice to meet you," Sasha said to Ashley. Ashley nodded her head.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Ashley asked. Her dad froze a moment, then looked at Sasha. There seemed to be a silent conversation between them then her dad looked at her.

"Yeah, I guess that's one way of describing it," her dad replied.

Ashley nodded slowly but let it go. She didn't know how she felt about it right now, but she also was realizing that Cooper was the one helping her dad claw his way back. No one spoke for a long moment, then her dad turned and faced Andrea.

"Eng, thank you for everything," he said. Andrea smiled and nodded.

"Anytime, Captain," she replied. There was a little more conversation as her dad asked her about school, and her life, trying to feel some sort of normalcy. It was late when there was a knock on the door. Ashley looked at Andrea who frowned at the door. She walked across the room and opened it up to find Slattery standing there.

Mike Slattery

Mike stood outside Sam's door. He knew the kid had had a rough go at school as the girls had told him as soon as he had gotten home. He had also learned the Ashley was with Andrea at her house. He hesitated then knocked. Sam didn't answer but Mike let himself into the room anyway. He found the boy curled up in the bed. As he stepped closer, he noticed Sam hurriedly wiping his face off. Mike sighed then went over and sat down next to the boy on the edge of the bed.

"Hey, Sammy, I heard you had a rough day today."

"I hate school," Sam said in a hoarse voice. Mike rubbed a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"I know it's rough right now. But things are going to get better."

"Everyone keeps saying that," Sam said angrily. Mike looked at his hands then looked up at the ceiling. "I want my dad back."

"I know, Sammy, I know."

"I know I told Ash that I didn't think I could ever…whatever. I just…I just want my dad to be my dad again. I want my mom back. I want my grampa. I want my life back," Sam said in a rush of words and tears. It was the first time that Mike had experienced Sam expressing the emotions he knew he must have been feeling. He reached down and wrapped his arms around the boy, pulling him into his lap and against his chest.

"I know. And I owe you an apology as well as your dad. I haven't said the things I should say. I haven't done the things I should have done because I was angry too."

"Why?" Sam asked, his voice muffled by Mike's shirt.

"I was angry because I didn't understand what happened. I thought one thing, but in reality, it was something very different and it took me a long time to figure things out."

"Why did my dad give up on me? Why wasn't I…or Ashley…enough for him to be, okay?"

"Because nothing could have stopped what happened to him, Sam. You are enough. Believe me, Buddy. Your dad…he was under a lot of pressure…pressure to be perfect. To never make a mistake. But he did make mistakes. And that was okay, but because of his decisions, and his actions, and his orders? People died. Add in losing your mom, your grampa, and his friend Tex…he just…his brain couldn't comprehend it all and he just…"

"Fell apart?"

"Something like that. But now he's doing better. He's not all better, but he's doing better."

"I'm really mad at him," Sam said with a sob. "I don't know how to not blame him for mom, for not being there, for leaving us."

"It's going to take time, Sam. Would you like me to find someone that you can talk to about that?"

"What do you mean?" Sam asked as he continued to lean into Mike's chest.

"Someone that can help you deal with the emotions that you are feeling."

"Like a stranger?"

"Yes, but someone who's trained to help someone like you."

"I don't know. I don't want to talk to a stranger," Sam said shaking his head. Mike sighed.

"Okay, Buddy, that's okay."

They stayed like that for a while. Sam eventually pulled away and sat down next to Mike. The boy looked up at him, sadness in his eyes.

"I told Ash I don't think home is with my dad anymore," Sam confided. Mike felt a mixed bag of emotions open in his chest. "I feel like this is home now."

"It's only been a month, Sammy," Mike said. "But it's okay to feel that way. But don't shut your dad out completely. When he's better it'll get better."

"Maybe," Sam said with a shrug. Mike nodded slowly. A little while later Mike left Sam's room. He missed Andrea. He called her but she didn't answer so he decided to see if she was home with Ashley. He drove over there and parked, then sat in his truck for a while as he stared at the other truck in the driveway. It was Tom's. Finally, Mike got out of the truck and knocked on the front door. Andrea opened it and Mike gave her a small smile.

"Hey," Andrea said a little shocked.

"I called, but you didn't answer. Sorry," Mike said feeling like he was intruding now. He swallowed as Andrea nodded slowly.

"No, it's okay. Come in," she said and stepped to the side. Mike walked by her; letting his fingers drag along her arm but refraining from any other greeting. Mike stopped in front of Tom. Tom was avoiding making eye contact with him and it made Mike feel guilty. He took a deep breath.

"I, uh, didn't know you were…anyway…I wanted to…fuck I wasn't really planning on doing this right now so I'm kind of at a loss—"

"Say what you got to say, Slattery," Tom said as he lifted his chin up and made eye contact holding his head high. Mike sighed. This wasn't going the way he wanted it too.

"I'm sorry," Mike said with a small shrug. He could see from Tom's face he had caught his friend off guard. That was not what Tom was expecting. "Yeah, I know. Not what you were expecting. But I am. I'm sorry I had my head up my ass. Andrea helped me understand that I was being…that my anger was misplaced. I'll admit I was angry at you for…well for a lot of things. But I know—"

"Jesus, Mike," Tom breathed out in a shudder. His eyes were glassed over with held back tears.

"This situation is shitty all the way around, Tom. I'm sorry I didn't know how to help. I'm sorry it took so long for me to see…I talked with Sam tonight. I think with some time and some work he'll be okay too." Everyone was quiet for a long time. Mike and Tom stared at each other, neither knowing what to say next. Mike could see Tom was working something out. Sasha reached out and put her hand on his back and was rubbing lightly. It had a relaxing effect on Tom.

"You and I need to sit down and talk about this soon," Tom said looking down. "I'll tell you what happened. I'll tell you everything."

"Okay," Mike said with a tight throat. His eyes burned but he managed to keep his tears at bay.

"And, Mike?" Tom continued. Mike looked him in the eye. "Thank you," Tom said. Mike nodded slowly. He wasn't sure how to react to that.

Andrea and Mike retreated to the kitchen while Tom and Ashley spent a little more time together. Once they were alone, Mike pulled her into his chest and kissed the top of her head. She hugged him tight, then shifted and reached up on her tiptoes, pulling his head down. She kissed him quickly and Mike smiled.

"Sorry, I didn't know you were doing this tonight," Mike said as he leaned against the counter. Andrea leaned next to him.

"Not your fault. We didn't tell you," Andrea said, with a small shoulder shrug. Mike nodded slowly.

"Why?"

"I guess because we didn't know how you'd react after the failed dinner attempt," she replied softly. Mike simply nodded. He couldn't fault them for that assumption. He had not handled the dinner very well at all.

"Yeah, I fucked that up pretty bad."

"Everyone is—"

"No, it's okay. I understand. Are you coming over tonight?" Mike asked as he wrapped her up in his arms and pulled her in for a hug. She didn't answer right away, and Mike felt he may be pushing right now. "No pressure to at all," he added.

"I'll think about it."

Kat Nolan

Kat had spent a restless night tossing and turning after getting to St. Louis. In the morning she went to the kitchen and got herself something to eat. As she was eating Kara joined her in the kitchen.

"How did you sleep last night?" Kara asked as she fixed herself a quick breakfast.

"Not too great," Kat replied honestly. The nightmares were hard some nights.

"Something on your mind?" Kara asked as she sat down. Kat sighed. "You went through a lot. Have you talked to anyone?"

"No," Kat said defensively. When Kara didn't answer she looked over at the other woman to find her staring at her. "What?"

"Losing your dad like that had to be really hard," Kara said. Kat felt the grief and pain shoot through her, then the flood of anger at Tom Chandler.

"It's been tough," Kat said through gritted teeth.

"Want to talk about it now?"

"What's to talk about? He's dead."

"Exactly. He died."

"And Chandler lived," Kat blurted out as tears burned her eyes.

"He did," Kara said. She didn't continue, she kept staring.

"Life is so fucking unfair."

"Sometimes it can be. Your dad was a great man. He died protecting a great friend."

"And where is that great friend now?" Kat spat out.

"I'm not really sure. All I know is that he is going through something."

"So is everyone else."

"So are you. Do you have nightmares?"

"All the time. Doesn't everyone?"

"You're probably right on that. I know I have them after the things I've witnessed."

"It's fine. I can handle it. I don't need anyone to coddle me. I just want to get to the point I can join the Navy and be on my own."

"I can help with that. I'll get some recruiting information for you. I've also heard they are restarting the Naval Academy in Annapolis if that is something you're interested in?"

"I don't know. I just want to get in. I don't even know what I want to do."

"I'll start gathering information and talking to some people to see what you need to do to get in."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome," she said as she finished her breakfast and checked the clock. "I need to get going. I'm going to be late."

Kara finished getting ready and walked out the door with Frankie in his carrier. Kat sighed as she cleaned up her morning dishes then went to her room and crashed on her bed. She was so tired she fell asleep.

TO BE CONTINUED…