Hi! :D

- This is the last chapter of this beautiful prelude to "Feigheit", I hope you enjoy it. If you haven't read it yet, it's the first fic in this collection.

- The song that was used as inspiration was Shameless by Camila Cabello.

Betrayal

Chapter 3: I need you with me

When it was time to pick up Kazui from school, Ichigo had already cleaned up the mess in the main room, put the sheets in the wash, and had a shower.

Guilt weighed on his shoulders in a way he had never felt before and he didn't dare look at either his mother's picture or Orihime's picture. He knew he could pretend nothing had happened, that they didn't kiss and he didn't hear her moan his name while they were in bed, but the memory and all the sensations of that moment felt too good to pretend it never happened.

A part of his mind was spewing guilt and regret since everything he did was wrong no matter how you looked at it, but Zangetsu was purring with delight that he had finally been with the queen, as he used to tell Rukia ever since he got his powers back.

It was the eternal struggle between what is right and what feels good.

When he returned home with Kazui slung over his shoulder and a takeaway bag in hand, Orihime had already left work and was in the kitchen checking the pots where the lunch he was supposed to make that day was supposed to be.

— I thought this time it was your turn to cook. — Orihime commented as Kazui jumped into her arms and Ichigo heard them laugh.

— I fell asleep.

Ichigo didn't have the courage to look Orihime in the eye and instead focused his attention on unpacking the food. He still didn't know if he should tell her that Rukia was in the house that morning, all he knew was that Orihime should never find out what happened between him and Rukia in the room.

Nobody had to know.

Never.

— Did Rukia-chan come? — Orihime's question caught him off guard and he almost spilled the soy sauce all over the food, but before he could speak or come up with a credible excuse, Orihime kept talking. — I saw that the dress that Yuzu-chan lent her the other day was on the table.

Ichigo had completely forgotten that the dress was in the living room and told himself that next time it wouldn't happen. Then he told himself again that there would be no next time because it wasn't fair to Orihime. It wasn't fair to Rukia either, nor to Renji, who was his friend, nor to himself.

Everything that happened that day had been too wrong.

— She woke me up. — He lied with the first thing that came to mind and concluded that there was no point in lying about that detail or the reasons for her visit. It was not necessary to add another lie, it was enough to keep hidden what had happened in the room. — She brought Yuzu's dress and came to offer me a job.

— Job? — Orihime walked over to him and took two plates of food that he had already served. — What kind of job? I thought you're just the substitute shinigami here.

He took the other plate and the pitcher of iced tea to the table. Kazui had already brought the glasses and silverware.

— Support team in her squad. It is something eventual.

— And did you accept?

Ichigo could hear a bit of anxiety in Orihime's voice and he dared for the first time to look into her eyes. Zangetsu whispered in his ear that the woman in front of him trapped him so that they would have to get married and that no one gave him the option to refuse that fate, but Ichigo fell silent to his sword because that was not true. He had options and chose the one that was most comfortable for him.

He was with Orihime for comfort, because she was always there, behind him, to the point that he took her to bed out of spite. There he was not the victim. He never was.

— I told her that I would think about it. I'm going over this weekend to talk to her about what I decided.

After saying that, Ichigo cursed himself because the weekend was only a few days away. Immediately, the thought of Rukia refusing to see him came to his mind and it felt bitter in his mouth. He had ruined what they had because of a kiss.

— I don't think it's a good idea for you to take that job. — Orihime commented as she added sweet sauce to the rice on her plate. — I don't want us to move into Soul Society, not until we're old.

— I don't think it's necessary to move. — Ichigo looked back at what was on his plate but he wasn't hungry. He also didn't like the idea of everyone moving into Soul Society, not with Orihime because he didn't want her to be in the same place as Rukia. — I'm still going to think about it. I will consider your words too.

Ichigo forced himself to eat as he thought about the new lie he had just told. He had turned down the job but he had to talk to Rukia about what had happened, he felt like he should apologize or say something. To know if everything was really ruined between them.

Rukia returned to her house, the one she shared with Renji since they got married, and the first thing she did was go into the bathroom. Even though all the evidence of what happened with Ichigo had been left behind in the gigai, she was afraid that Renji would get closer to her and he could make out Ichigo's scent on her.

That didn't even make sense, but she needed it. She needed a bath.

As she took off her clothes, she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the full-length mirror in the bathroom and stared at her breasts. She closed her eyes and the memory of Ichigo's look when he said they were perfect made her shudder.

Ichigo's words echoed too deep inside her and she wished he would touch her again.

She immediately shook her head to put those thoughts aside. It wasn't right what she was thinking, it wasn't right in any way and she shouldn't keep thinking about it.

While she was checking her body in the mirror, she noticed that she had a red mark on her shoulder, which she could make out as a bite. She had felt that Ichigo bit her but she didn't think there would have been a mark on her skin like that, so she immediately healed it with kido so Renji wouldn't see it when they were together.

The bite mark was almost completely removed, leaving only a small, very subtle mark on the skin that could pass as an old bruise from training.

Soaking in the tub didn't help her.

She couldn't relax because as soon as she closed her eyes and let the hot water cover her completely, the only thing that came to her mind was the memory of Ichigo's kisses and caresses, causing all her skin to crawl again. Rukia couldn't deny that it had felt too good and she hated herself for it, because she had enjoyed it more than she could express and because it made her guilt eat away at her in an abrasive way.

She wanted to cry and at the same time, she couldn't do it.

Ichika was the first to arrive at the house that day. She was a little girl and they had already given her asauchi, which made her proud, but she also felt that her daughter was too young to be exposed to the dangers of the world.

Rukia didn't want her daughter to have a life like she once had as a little girl, she didn't want to see her fight for her life or seeing her grow strong from physical and emotional blows because her daughter was too young. Ichika was the daughter of a captain and a lieutenant, she was not an orphan of the Rukongai.

Renji thought otherwise, allowing the girl to spend as much time as she wanted in Zaraki's squad, causing her to feel that her authority as a mother was undermined. She trusted the shield that gave Ichika the surname Kuchiki and Abarai, but at the same time she knew that that shield couldn't protect her from all the evils out there.

Despite the fact that she was playing with her daughter, taking advantage of those moments when she had time to do it, her mind kept thinking about what she would do when Renji got home. She had no idea how to behave or what to do or say, she didn't even know if she would dare to look at him for fear that he would see the guilt on her face for what she had done.

Maybe their marriage didn't start with a deep love between them, but Renji was a good husband. He supported her when she had Ichika and she was still working with the squad, sometimes he cooked when she didn't want to and put up with Byakuya's treatment, who seemed not entirely happy with their wedding.

Sometimes he would go drinking with Rangiku and Hisagi, but that was okay. They each had their own individual friends and activities, and she felt she owed it to him for taking care of Ichika when she was a baby.

Sometimes they would argue over some pointless thing and stop talking, but then they would make up with an unspoken apology that was included in the "What are we going to do this weekend?" and other times Renji would try to divert some of the talk to the subject of the house, trying to convince her to spend more time at home to take care of Ichika like all mothers were supposed to.

Rukia knew that Renji had a concept of an ideal family but she, of all that she could give him, his dream family was something that was not on the list. She loved her job, she loved being a shinigami and she loved being a captain, she felt that it gave her an identity and she didn't want to leave it just to be the mother and wife of.

Renji came home a little late and a little drunk, Ichika was already asleep and Rukia was getting ready to sleep although her mind kept reminding her of what had happened in the morning with Ichigo, making her feel strange when Renji entered the room.

— Sorry I'm late, the guys dragged me out for a little drink. — He excused himself while taking off his uniform. — Rangiku broke up with Hisagi, again.

— This is the second time since they started dating formally. — Rukia commented, happy that he didn't ask her about her day in the human world first, though while playing with Ichika she had managed to think of something. — They will be back in a couple of weeks.

— When she runs out of taste for her squad's newest recruit. — Renji muttered with what seemed to be a bitter laugh. — Every time someone she finds attractive joins the squad, Rangiku leaves Hisagi.

Rukia made a noise in her throat as she watched Renji go to the bathroom. She didn't know what to say about that topic, because Rangiku had asked her many times if she wasn't bored of being married. Rukia didn't usually answer those questions and deflected them because she knew that Rangiku would most likely tell Renji her answers.

— How was your day in the human world? — Renji asked after he returned from brushing his teeth and changing his clothes. Rukia gave a little jump on her futon because even though she expected the question, she didn't feel quite ready, and looked at Renji. — Did he take the job?

— He said he would think about it.

She lied because she didn't want to tell him that Ichigo had refused and for the conversation to wander to the possible reasons for him saying no. She also didn't want to see the triumphant look on Renji's face with an "I told you so".

— I'm sure he will say "no". He has many things to do in the human world. — Renji gave her a kiss on the lips that she couldn't answer. — Don't be disappointed if that's his answer.

Rukia muttered something along the lines of "I won't" before lying on her side, turning her back on Renji and thinking about the lie she had just told.

For the rest of the week, Ichigo couldn't stop thinking about Rukia and what they did. Every time he closed his eyes, the memory of Rukia above him, dominating him and moving her hips in an almost hypnotic way that made him lose his mind, would come to his mind and make him lose his breath. He couldn't concentrate on anything because all he wanted was to be with her again and do to her the most insane and blasphemous things a man could do to a woman.

He didn't want to stop thinking about her and although the guilt was there every time he saw Orihime, Ichigo mitigated it by telling himself that it was something that would never happen again and that Orihime was not going to find out because she didn't deserve what he did to her.

Even though their marriage was out of duty rather than deep love, it was a good marriage. They took turns taking care of Kazui because even though their child hadn't been planned, he liked being a father, they divided up the housework and the arguments between them were practically non-existent since the time he made her cry at dinner.

When that argument happened, Orihime was still pregnant and had offered to cook dinner for everyone. Yuzu offered to help her so she wouldn't get tired from standing around for so long, but Orihime declined the offer, saying it was her way of showing that she belonged to the family.

It wasn't the first time Orihime had gone into the kitchen to help with meals, but she had always been closely watched by Yuzu ever since the time the rice "accidentally" turned blue.

Yuzu hesitated for a second but since she had homework to do, she left Orihime a written recipe with all the steps and ingredients necessary for her to prepare a meal that was classified as "easy to make" and retired to her room. Orihime just had to follow the steps but halfway through the preparation she felt creative and added ingredients that weren't on the list, completely ruining everyone's dinner.

Orihime served the plates with food, one that was nothing like what it should be, and explained how they should eat it and how they should mix the sauces. No one dared to take the first bite and Orihime just kept her eyes on Ichigo, waiting for him to be the first to eat it.

Ichigo guessed that the food shouldn't be too bad and that the looks didn't have to be related to the taste, but he was wrong. The food was inedible. He'd never been a picky eater, if it tasted good then he'd eat it, but what Orihime had made didn't even have that requirement.

In the nicest way he could, he asked Orihime if she had followed the recipe Yuzu had given her and hoped with all his heart that she would say yes, however Orihime told them that she had added several more ingredients because her "cooking heart" had told her so and that was enough for Ichigo to completely lose his cool.

Yuzu tried to intervene saying that she could fix it, even though it was impossible, and Karin tried to take more than one bite to make Orihime feel good about the effort she put into cooking, but Ichigo reminded Orihime that they hadn't gotten married at a good time, that he was still looking for a better job to support her and the baby, and that they didn't have enough money to waste on her ridiculous attempts at cooking.

Orihime began to cry because Ichigo told her that if she wanted to cook, she had to learn how to do it and not just spend the day on the couch eating sweet things and knitting things that didn't have a definite shape, and she ran off to the small room where they were sleeping. Yuzu scolded Ichigo for being so cruel to Orihime and went after her to try to comfort her, and Ichigo went out into the garden to try and calm down a bit.

That time his father invited everyone to dinner and although he scolded and hit him for treating his wife like that and not being delicate with words, later he consoled him by telling him that he should be patient because that's how all marriages were when they started.

Orihime didn't speak to him for the next few days and he slept on the sofa in the living room, until he apologized to her and gave her a bouquet of flowers that her dad helped pay for.

Over time, coexistence improved and his father remodeled the house so that everyone had a space to be. Yuzu took control of the kitchen along with Ichigo, and Orihime devoted herself to taking care of Kazui.

In the morning, before he left his house to go to Soul Society, Orihime asked him not to take the job if it was too dangerous or if he had to spend a lot of time in that place. Ichigo could only agree to Orihime's request because his visit to the Soul Society had nothing to do with that job.

When he arrived at Urahara's store to ask Urahara to allow him to travel to Soul Society, Ichigo found the shopkeeper sitting at the entrance with his fan and a cup of tea. The man seemed unusually happy to see him and led him into the tent while talking about how unusual it was for him to see him travel to Soul Society.

— I'm just going to fix a few things. — Ichigo explained as he used his substitute shinigami insignia to exit his body and leave him lying on the mat that Urahara pointed out to him.

— Oh good. — Urahara started making the adjustments to activate the portal without losing the good mood he had that day. — I think that of all the gigai that have been in my hands, your body is the best.

— My body is not a gigai. — Ichigo shuddered at the way Urahara referred to his body and immediately turned to look at him. — Don't tell me you did something weird to my body while I couldn't see!

The man used his fan to cover his face after that accusation, hiding a sly smile. Ichigo began to suspect that Urahara would use his body for experimentation while he was in Soul Society.

— Don't forget you're dead. I cut your chain of fate and you died. You went through the whole process to become a shinigami and that can only be done when one is dead. — Urahara hit him on the head with his fan. — I obviously did something to your body or it would have broken down years ago.

Urahara's explanation made sense, but Ichigo didn't want to think about it because he didn't want to think that his body wasn't as human as he thought it was.

— It sounds weird when you say it like that, Urahara-san.

Urahara started laughing and pointed with his fan at the door for Ichigo to enter.

— The portal opened. Go carefully and thanks for the sample.

Ichigo was about to ask what his teacher meant, when Urahara ripped a piece of his hair and kicked him, making him rush through the door.

Rukia was standing in that snowy field that was her inner world, with that feeling that something had changed but unable to find what exactly had changed. Sode no Shirayuki didn't appear when she called out to her, in fact her sword had been silent ever since she came back from the human world and hadn't allowed her to enter her world until that day, which was extremely strange for her.

She started walking on the snow, listening to it crunch with every step she took, until she found the Yuki Onna standing under a tree made of something that looked like bone and frost, and which wasn't there before. Both the shape and the texture were out of tune with everything else there and reminded her of the ones she had seen in Huecomundo.

— Sode no Shirayuki. — Rukia called out to her sword as she reached out to that strange tree to touch it. The tree was cold. — How did you create this?

The silence after that question settled between them and Rukia turned to see her sword, who was looking at her with an expression that could be a mix between anger and confusion. Perhaps more confusion than anger.

— Rukia-sama, I can't judge your actions but they make me feel a bit strange. — Rukia was silent and looked down, embarrassed because she knew what the spirit of her sword was referring to. — It's like an invasion and at the same time it feels familiar.

Those words made her stop feeling embarrassed and filled her with curiosity and concern. Sode no Shirayuki was looking at her own hands, as if there was something strange about her that she couldn't understand.

— What are you talking about?

— That man told me that...

Before Sode no Shirayuki finished speaking, Rukia was interrupted in her meditation by one of her subordinates knocking on the door. Rukia hoped she had misheard because what the spirit of her sword said couldn't be good, something had happened that week that had made Sode no Shirayuki deny her the entrance to her own inner world, and all she wanted was to finish talking with Yuki.

However, that talk had to be postponed until later because Sentaro entered the office after knocking a few more times and announcing himself appropriately. She wished it wasn't more paperwork because she was hoping to get out of the squadron early that day.

— Captain Kuchiki, Kurosaki Ichigo is here to see you. He says it's important.

Rukia felt her own soul freeze upon hearing that Ichigo was there.

She thought that she would never see him again after what happened in that room, that again there would be that gap of years between their visits and that when they saw each other, they would pretend that nothing happened between them, but obviously she was wrong because Ichigo was there, looking anywhere but at her.

For a moment Rukia didn't know what to say because the only thing that went through her mind at that moment was the image of Ichigo between her legs, sweaty, naked and panting.

— If you're busy, I'll tell him to come back another time. — Sentaro offered that when he saw her in that state of paralysis but she immediately stopped him.

— I'm not busy, in fact I was waiting for him. — The lie came naturally from her lips and she noticed that Ichigo gave a very subtle start. — Please, don't let them interrupt us.

Sentaro nodded at the order and left the office to allow Ichigo to enter.

They both stared at each other in silence, without moving from their place, until she pointed to the cushion on the floor in front of her. The silence that formed between them was so thick that it could be cut with a sword, but it seemed that neither of them knew what to say at that moment.

Rukia had to calm her heart, which was beating wildly, and put aside the nerves and anxiety that Ichigo's presence caused her before saying something to break the awkward silence.

— You haven't been visiting for a long time.

— It is not a visit. — Ichigo looked her in the eye and Rukia flinched again. — There was desire in that look and she couldn't deny that her entire body was screaming to feel Ichigo's hands on her again. — I came because we have to talk about what happened.

— There's no need. — She hastened to say, feeling her heart race and looking away because she felt she couldn't bear to look at him without feeling an insane desire to get closer to him. — We can pretend nothing happened.

— But I don't want to pretend that nothing happened. — Ichigo's response made her turn to look at him, more surprised and happy than she should have been by that statement. — I know it was wrong to do what we did, but I don't want to pretend that I don't enjoy doing it because I did it. Too much.

— Ichigo... — Her voice was almost a plea because she had enjoyed it too but it wasn't right. — Denying it is best for us.

— I've loved you since God knows when and if I hadn't been such a coward, I would have come after you and kidnapped you on your wedding day. — That confession surprised her too much to say anything at that point and Ichigo kept talking. — It's late now and I know nothing is going to change, but I don't want to pretend that what happened in the bedroom didn't happen.

— You went away from me. — Rukia whispered, bringing out what had made her heart ache for a long time. She didn't understand how Ichigo could say he loved her and leave her the way he did. — You stopped talking to me, you abandoned me.

— I know. — Ichigo paused and looked away. — I thought it was for the best. Renji thanked me for helping your relationship pick up right where you left off and said that's why he would always fight by my side, so I felt like I should walk away. I didn't want to interfere in the relationship of you two.

Rukia was silent at that moment, trying to take that in because she never expected that was the reason Ichigo stopped talking to her. She got up from her seat and walked up to him only to look down at him and demand an explanation for those words.

— What the hell are you saying?! When exactly did that happen?!

Ichigo seemed quite confused, so he blinked a few times before answering.

— When we cross the portal to follow Yhwach.

Rukia closed her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her nose, trying to calm down a bit but couldn't. Idiot Renji was going to listen to her, but the idiot in front of her was going to listen first.

— And you believed him?! — She yelled, waving up one hand and demanding an explanation.

Ichigo got up off the cushion going from confused to angry in seconds. He was taller than her, but Rukia wasn't intimidated by those details and just looked at him demanding a damn explanation.

— Of course I believed him! — Ichigo raised his voice as he answered. — Why would Renji lie about that?! You guys have known each other since you were kids, you grew up together, and he was being honest. We're supposed to be friends and he didn't have to lie at a time like that.

Rukia clenched her fist and raised it with the intention of hitting him in the chest but she held back, lowering it at that moment. She put her hands to her face and turned her back on Ichigo.

What Ichigo was saying made sense but between her and Renji there was only friendship, nothing more. She didn't consider Renji as a match until he proposed to her.

— He lied. — Ichigo's voice at that conclusion went from surprise to anger. — That bastard took advantage of...

Rukia heard that revelation and closed her eyes, trying to assimilate that Renji had done something like that just to have a relationship with her; to make sure that she said "yes" when he proposed to her because if Ichigo was in their lives, in her life, she would choose Ichigo over him.

— That doesn't change anything. It doesn't change that what we did was wrong. — Rukia whispered, knowing that it was true and that no matter how they came to the life they had, what they did was wrong.

— I know but...

Rukia felt Ichigo's hand on her waist and she flinched. She knew she should make him let go of her and get away from her, but she didn't want to, she wanted him to keep holding her because the memory of that encounter came back to her every night and made her want him like she never thought she could want someone before.

— But what? — Her voice came out on a gasp that was choked off when she felt Ichigo's lips on her neck.

— You feel the same than me? — Ichigo's voice was hoarse and thick, which made all of her skin crawl at that moment. — Tell me no, tell me it's just me daydreaming and I'll be gone. I'll pretend nothing happened, that we're still friends and we'll see each other whenever the universe wants.

Ichigo pulled her closer to him pressing lightly on her belly and Rukia trembled as she felt her back against Ichigo's chest. The memory of the hallway and his fingers came to her mind all too vividly, making her legs shake a little.

— And if I say "yes"? — She asked on a gasp, closing her eyes and tilting her head so he could kiss her neck again. — What if I admit that I feel the same way as you, whatever that feeling is?

— I'll take the job you offer me. I will come when you call me and let it be what it has to be.

— And Orihime? — She asked with a guilty tone that came with one of Ichigo's kisses. She knew how much Orihime would suffer if she found out what they had done, what they were doing at that moment.

— And Renji? — Ichigo gave her one more kiss and Rukia trembled again. Renji. She wanted to hit him and ask what he was thinking when he said that to Ichigo. — It's not fair to them, I know but... Is it fair to us?

Rukia looked out the window, wondering if it was fair or not. The decisions had been theirs, no one forced them, they just made the wrong decisions because neither of them had the courage to go and find out what was going on.

Rukia turned in Ichigo's arms and they both looked into each other's eyes. There was uncertainty and desire in Ichigo's eyes as well as hers. She was afraid and at the same time she wanted to be selfish just to kiss him again.

— Take the job. — She whispered knowing that all this was wrong and that she was turning into a horrible person because of a kiss. — Take it and let's find out what this is that we feel.

Rukia watched as Ichigo's eyes light up at her words and he didn't need to answer because there was nothing to answer.

Being "more than friends and less than lovers" was no longer acceptable.

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