Bella: *waking up suddenly* Whoa, how long have I been asleep?
Edward: Well, we got home about 4:30, and it's 4:31 now…
Bella: I've only been asleep a minute?
Edward: Silly Bella, it's afternoon now.
Bella: I'VE BEEN ASLEEP FOR TWELVE HOURS?!
Edward: To be fair, you had a long night. Which is what I told Charlie.
Bella: When did you tell Charlie?
Edward: Last night, when we got home.
Bella: Don't you mean this morning?
Edward: Silly Bella, it was still dark.
Bella: …wait, wasn't he going to arrest you?
Edward: Oh yeah, about that…
*4:30 AM*
Edward: Hey Chief Swan, I brought Bella home.
Charlie: *tired grumbling*
Edward: Hope you don't mind if I put her to bed.
Charlie: *grumbles something that sounds like 'whatever'*
Edward: Okay. And about going to the slammer…
Charlie: *tired angry grumbling*
Edward: You're right, we'll talk about it in the morning.
*present*
Edward: So, as you can see, I'm off the hook.
Bella: Pretty sure he'll double arrest you for disturbing his sleep.
Edward: Silly Bella, he only has one set of handcuffs.
Bella: Yeah, because that'll stop him.
Edward: By the way, who's the Third Wife?
Bella: What?
Edward: You kept muttering about her in your sleep. Who is she?
Bella: Oh, uh…just some story that Jacob's people have passed down through the years.
Edward: Wow, must have been quite the story. Could you tell me it?
Bella: Uhh… *Edward's phone goes off* Oh, you should get that. We'll return to this conversation never.
Edward: Okay *answers phone* Hi Alice…no, she hasn't told me that…yes, I'll ask her about it…okay, see you later Alice *click* So, what's this about making plans for the fight?
Bella: …okay, you got me, I want to be in the clearing with you guys.
Edward: Silly Bella, there'll be nearly twenty of them. Some of them are bound to get past us to get to you.
Bella: I'd be the distraction.
Edward: To us or to them?
Bella: To them, obviously.
Edward: And to us because we'd be trying to make sure you're safe.
Bella: …listen, I want to be a vampire as soon as possible, so either you do it, or I'll let one of the vampires hunting me…
Edward: Kill you?
Bella: You don't know tha…
Edward: Bella, you might think I'm a bit dumb…
Bella: A bit?
Edward: …but I've thought about this, and Jacob agrees, that you will be nowhere near that clearing on the night.
Bella: And I suppose you're going to make sure of it?
Edward: Darn right. Me, Jacob, and the Clearwaters are in agreement.
Bella: Clearwaters? I thought Seth was the only boy in their family.
Edward: He is.
Bella: Then what do you…wait…LEAH?!
Edward: Well, duh.
Bella: …Christ, that's gotta be awkward for Sam.
Edward: Especially considering the Embry situation.
Bella: What Embry situation?
Edward: You know, the thing where his mother isn't from the tribe, and no-one knows who his father is. And since the pack is only made of descendants of the original wolves…
Bella: …oh…so that means…
Edward: Either Quil, Sam, or Jacob has a half-brother.
Bella: Move the fuck over Days of Our Lives, this is far more interesting.
Edward: So anyway, we're in agreement that you won't be anywhere near the clearing?
Bella: And neither will you.
Edward: Silly Bella, I need to be there so I can read the bad guy's minds so I know what they're planning at any given moment.
Bella: And what if you die?
Edward: But I'm already dead. That's why I'm a ghost.
Bella: Vampire.
Edward: Is there really that much of a difference?
Bella: Many. But anyway…
Alice: *bursting through the door* Edward, what the hell?
Edward: Hey, it's Bella's fault. she asked me to stay behind.
Bella: Hey, don't put this on me. It was your decision.
Alice: And it was your decision to take advantage of his good-natured self.
Bella: …I mean, I suppose you could look at it like that, but…
Alice: You're lucky I like you, otherwise I might actually be angry. Also, Emmett's fine with it because now there's more for him.
Edward: See, I'm doing everyone a favour. Now, I sense you need to talk to Bella about something, so… *leaves*
Alice: Okay, so, here's the plan: I'm going to tell Charlie that the rest of the family are going hiking, but I'm staying behind because I want to go shopping. He's going to be fine with you keeping me company in our big house, which is how we keep you away from him until the problem's over.
Bella: Okay, and we're not actually going to show any of this?
Alice: Nope.
Bella: Why?
Alice: Because the author has an announcement to make.
Bella: What announ…
Author's note: Hey guys. So, I mentioned this a few months back, but soon I'm going to pass the one-million-word mark on AO3. Prior to this chapter, I was about 1,500 words shy, and this chapter more than halves that. And to celebrate this milestone, I've decided I'm going to do an Ask Me Anything over on Reddit's r/AMA. I'll be posting it on Sunday July 30th, sometime in the morning, Melbourne time (since I predict the next chapter of The Hobbit Abridged will be out by then, which should put me over the million), under the username I_Am_The_Bookwyrm. If you don't have a Reddit account…just send me questions, I'll be happy to answer them. Thank you all so much for reading over this past decade and a bit (yes, I'm old), and I'll see you soon.