November 8, 2005

(Author's note: 'This will be used for past narration.')

It was an extremely slow day at the krusty krab. There hadn't been any customers in hours, and boredom was emanating from the entire restaurant. Mr Krabs walked up to Squidward, sighing and saying,

"I can't smell a cent, or a dollar, or any money, in a 5 mile radius. We might as well shut her down early."

Squidward was excited at hearing this, but Krabs added that they would only leave as soon as a customer who had been sucking on a fry for the last hour left. A frustrated Squidward walked up to the man and shoved the fry in the man's mouth. After he did that and the man left, Squidward walked out of the restaurant.

However, a storm suddenly hit, with the shockwave from a lightning strike blasting Squidward back inside. As the octopus got to his feet, Krabs walked up and said,

"That's quite a storm. You know, a storm like this puts in the mind of me old navy days."

And of course, Spongebob had to poke his head out of the window and say,

"Old navy days? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Mr Krabs replied.

"That gives me a fine idear Spongebob. Since it looks like we're gonna be stuck here awhile, why don't you pull up a barrel, me laddies, while I regale you with a tale from me mysterious salty past?"

Spongebob and Mr Krabs walked off, while Squidward sighed and did the same. Spongebob and Squidward got on barrel chairs and sat at a table, while Krabs went to get something. When he came back he was holding a cracker box, and he said,

"There now. The lights are properly dimmed, feast yourself on these slightly expired soda crackes, as I spin ya a yarn that puts hair on your chest."

Squidward, looking at the very moldy fused together crackers, simply said,

"I don't want any hair on my chest."

However Spongebob being the idiot he was, grabbed the cracker mess and swallowed it whole. Krabs then began the story.

"It was a day just like this one. The wind was HOWLING, and me ship was being tossed around like a ragdoll on a trampoline!"

July 27, 1967

The waves were crashing down around the ship, swaying it back and forth as lightning crashed around it.

'I was in the galley, cooking up grub to keep our minds off this horrible squall.'

Inside the ship, a 25 year old Mr Krabs, rocking a full head of hair and wearing a cooks apron and a tiny hat, was cooking up Krabby Patties, showing himself to be just as skilled as Spongebob would be decades later. After a sequence of masterful patty flips, Krabs slid all the ingredients off his back, and they all landed on top of each other. Krabs then gave a chef's kiss.

"It was then that he BURST into the galley!"

Spongebob, confused, asked,

"Who he?"

Krabs replied,

"The man whose mission it was to make my life a living nightmare. He was the roughest, toughest, scaliest old barnacle to ever roam the briny deep! He was me commanding officer, and he loathed me with the white hot hatred of a psychotic madman!"

'They called him…CAPTAIN SCARFISH!'

Suddenly, a starfish with dark gray skin, a scar beside his left eye, and wearing a navy admiral uniform burst into the room. Upon hearing this, Krabs immediately froze and squeezed the ketchup he was holding to the point it went everywhere. Scarfish then said,

"Stand at attention, Chef Krabs!"

Krabs then scurried over to Scarfish and saluted him in fear. He wondered what Scarfish wanted. Whatever it was, it couldn't be good. Scarfish then said,

"I want you to tell me the meaning of this!"

Scarfish then pulled out a fancy plate which had a Krabby patty on it. Krabs hurriedly responded,

"Oh that sir? Why that's a Krabby Patty with extra pickles and the crust cut off sir. A little, booshie-amusie for the boys sir."

Unfortunately for Krabs, Scarfish wasn't having it. He threw the plate on the ground in a fit of rage, causing the plate to shatter, and yelled at Krabs,

"This is the navy, son! We don't cut the crusts off, we eat the crusts and throw the rest away!"

To prove his point, Scarfish walked up to a box full of moldy crusts, opened it, and began stuffing his face with them. Krabs was left horrified by this, saying,

"But that's…that's madness."

Krabs walked up and tried to tap Scarfish on the back, who then simply turned around and finished eating. He then told Krabs,

"I'm telling you for the last time, you need to stop making your food so delicious!"

"But I don't know how!"

"Well you better figure it out! I need my men, wide eyed and hungry Krabs. We've got a cargo hold full of suntan lotion, and-"

Squidward then interrupted and said,

"Wait, you were transporting suntan lotion? Pft, Ha ha, what SPF? Ha ha!"

Mr Krabs wasn't amused. He told Squidward,

"I don't see what's so funny about that Mr Squidward. We were an undercover cargo ship in the early days of the war, heading straight into pirate territory, with a fresh supply of suntan lotion, for shipwrecked soldiers, whose skin was chaifed."

Squidward, uninterested in Krab's lecture, simply yawned. However, Krabs then got up in his face and said,

"CHAIFED MR SQUIDWARD!"

Spongebob then repeated what Krabs said, and even past Krabs and Scarfish said it for some reason.

After the last chaifed was said, Scarfish got back on topic, saying,

"So, tonight's meal is gonna be terrible, you understand me?

"Aye, sir!"

"The worst you've ever made!"

"Aye aye, sir!"

"The kind of slop that'll put some steel in their spines!"

"Aye Aye, sir!"

"Either that or I'll throw you in the brig!"

As Scarfish walked off, all Krabs could do was salute sadly and say,

"Yes, sir."

He then went to work making the worst meal he could. He didn't want to taint the image of the burger that had brought him and his mother out of poverty, so he decided to make some other food. Fortunately, he couldn't actually make anything besides Krabby patties. The food he prepared was slop and beans.

Once he finished the food, Krabs wheeled it to the dining room, where the other shipmates were. His fellow Navymen were called Iron Eye, Mutton Chop, Torpedo Belly, and Lockjaw Jones. They all greatly respected Krabs for his cooking, but didn't consider him part of their personal club. When Krabs rolled in with the food, the 4 men yelled,

"Huzzah!"

A sad Krabs replied,

"Oh, don't huzzah yet boys."

Mutton Chop then asked him,

"So what's on the menu tonight, Krabs?"

"Slop."

Upon hearing Krabs' sad words, the navy men laughed, not believing Krabs' words. Mutton Chop then said,

"Slop huh? Well why don't you bring some of that delicious slop over here?"

Krabs sighed, and gave Mutton Chop the slop. The man ate the slop, and immediately realized how bad it truly tasted. Krabs then muttered,

"Oh, sorry boys. Captain's orders."

Krabs was forced to watch as the four navy men were subjected to their terrible meal, with Torpedo Belly even throwing up after eating his slop. The four looked at Krabs angrily, and this caused the crustacean to yell,

"Oh, I can't stand it! I don't care what the captain says!"

Krabs then got out his signature spatula and grill, and whipped up the best meal he could. As the Krabby Patties landed on the table, the men cried,

"Huzzah! Huzzah for Krabs! Huzzah!"

Hearing all this cheering, Scarfish walked into the room and asked,

"What's all this, Huzzahing about?"

Krabs walked up to Scarfish, saluted and said,

"Oh nothing sir! Uh, they just really enjoy eating slop! Dont'cha boys?"

Taking the hint, the others squished their Krabby patties to look like slop. Scarfish yelled,

"Atten-tion!"

The 4 Navymen saluted out of fear, as Scarfish inspected their food. After looking at Lockjaw Jones's meal, he said,

"Looks like slop alright."

However, he then noticed something. He walked up to a plate with an unsmoshed Krabby Patty on it, and yelled,

"And what's this?!"

Krabs meekly responded,

"A Krabby Patty with extra cheese?"

The crew excitedly replied,

"A Krabby Patty with extra cheese?!"

Scarfish then said,

"A Krabby Patty with extra cheese?!"

Krabs nervously said in response,

"Well, a flaming Krabby patty with extra cheese."

"Flaming?! What are you trying to pull you lubber?! This looks like a regular Krabby Patty with extra cheese!"

"Well you see sir, I was just gonna take this here match and-"

Krabs blew the match, but he ended up blowing too hard and torched Scarfish's face.

'And so I found myself in the brig, with two guards watching me every move. One was as brutal and ugly a bounder, as you'd ever wish to see in your darkest nightmare!'

An ominous shadow was cast over the imprisoned Krabs, who covered his ears at his terrible trumpet playing, and then saw that it was a large buff fish wearing a uniform two times too small for him. He noticed Krabs and said,

"Grrr, what're you lookin at?"

He then ran off, still playing the trumpet.

'But I thought I could dupe the other one should the need arise.'

The other guard was an older sponge with a brown beard and wearing a gray sweater with a green undershirt, as well as blue pants and brown shoes. He was smoking a cigar and seemed to not really care about his guard duty.

Spongebob was amazed, saying,

"Wow, you knew another sponge in the navy?!"

"Aye, I did. I managed to worm some useful information out of him right away. He didn't like Scarfish either, and was willing to help me get out. I also learned that he was a veteran of the navy, and had a wife and an 8 year old son back home. His name was Jack Squarepants."

Spongebob was shocked at hearing Jack's name, and said,

"That's my grandpa's name! You knew my grandpa, Mr Krabs?"

"Aye, that I did."

Spongebob was too naive to notice it, but Squidward noticed that Krabs' face looked a bit sad when he mentioned Jack. he chose not to question it. Krabs then got back on track saying,

"Alright, now where was I? Oh yeah, he brought me some sponge sugar the next day to make into a key, because Scarfish always had the real key."

Krabs thanked Jack as he made the candy key, but then asked,

"Where's your ugly friend tonight?"

Jack, his face clearly showing annoyance and anger said,

"Sick in bed like all the men. Captain's been feeding them nothing but moldy old sandwich crust. They've all got really bad stomach aches. Luckily for me, I cook for myself."

"Wise thinking."

Krabs was then about to open his cell door with the candy key, but hesitated. Jack asked him,

"Come on, what are you waiting for?"

Krabs, now conflicted, told Jack,

"If I open this cell door, I'll be in direct violation of the naval code."

Jack was annoyed at Krabs' attitude. However, before he and Krabs could argue, a cannonball blasted into the room right next to a picture of Captain Scarfish that Jack had drawn on. Krabs and Jack both looked at each other. They knew what that was.

'Pirates. We were under attack! I had to act fast.'

Krabs opened the cell and ran out, hurrying to the sick bay, Jack following right behind him. However, as Jack said, the entire crew were grasping their stomachs in pain.

'I was on me own.'

Krabs ran to the deck, and pulled out his telescope, which he had kept from his pirate days.

'I could see it all. A pirate ship next to an island! And on that island, a crew of fine army men! Our only hope, marooned on a beach by no doubt those same scurvy pirates, and suffering from the effects of chaif: Sunburn. The pirates had already launched a boat, and were preparing to board our vessel!"

The pirate Queen, leader of the pirates, yelled at her fellow pirates,

"Row you worthless dogs!"

As Krabs was looking on in horror, Scarfish kicked down the door behind him, yelling,

"Stand down, Krabs! I'll have you in irons!"

Krabs didn't have time to argue with Scarfish, and just said in a hurry,

"Listen to me, captain! This is gonna get real ugly real fast! We've got to get to the cannons!"

"We're not outfitted for battle Krabs. There's no ammunition. The cannons are ornamental at best. ORNAMENTAL AT BEST!"

Krabs looked at a cannon, and sure enough, it was a fancy gold color with a blanket and 3 candles on it. Krabs wondered for a second why they would need cannons in the first place if they weren't gonna use them, but he shook his head. He had to focus on more important matters. He quickly came up with a new plan and told Scarfish,

"Then listen carefully. You'll have to go down to the cargo hold, and poke holes in the barrels on suntan lotion, and scuttle the ship!"

"What you're suggesting is mutiny!"

Suddenly, a small object clipped one of the captain's head decorations, causing it to fall off. Scarfish and Krabs looked and saw Jack, having just launched a slingshot. The sponge then told Scarfish,

"Do as he says, captain."

A confused Krabs asked Jack,

"What are you using for ammo there?"

"Oh, I rolled an old moldy sandwich crust into this hard little ba-"

The two then looked at each other, both getting the same idea. Krabs was the first to speak up, saying,

"That's it. Come on!"

Jack and Krabs then went to the moldy crusts and rolled them into large balls. The two rolled them all the way to the cannon, and Krabs stuffed the first makeshift cannonball into the cannon. Jack fired it, and the pirate ship was heavily damaged. They then did the same thing with the other cannonball, destroying the ship. As it sank, Krabs yelled,

"Direct hit!"

The two yelled,

"Huzzah!"

However, the two then heard the pirate queen say,

"You'll pay for that! Gettum boys!"

At the sight of the pirates, Jack and Krabs got into fighting stances. Jack asked Krabs,

"Got any more ideas Krabs?"

Krabs replied while unsheathing his telescope,

"Go down to the cargo hold and check on the captain."

"Are you sure you'll be able to handle all these guys at once?"

"Don't worry, I have some experience in piracy. Now go!"

Jack reluctantly nodded and jumped down a pipe, as Krabs charged the pirates. Krabs was actually able to hold his own against the pirates, using the skills he had learned as a pirate. As Krabs was fighting the pirates, the Pirate Queen remarked,

"Aw, he's kinda handsome for a crusty old cuss."

Meanwhile, Jack landed at the bottom of the ship and ran to where they kept the suntan lotion. When he got there, he found Captain Scarfish crouched in the corner twitching. The stress of the situation was clearly getting to him, as he muttered,

"Weak…weak…I'm not weak…they're weak…."

A concerned Jack slowly walked up to Scarfish, but Scarfish heard him and snapped to life, unsheathing a sword and yelling,

"TRAITORS! YOU AND KRABS ARE TRAITORS! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEADS!"

Jack gritted his teeth. The stress of the situation had clearly turned Scarfish insane. He looked on the ground and noticed another sword, which he quickly grabbed. The two then engaged in a sword fight, and were evenly matched. Scarfish fought with rage, swinging with wild abandon, while Jack was playing more defensively.

However, time was quickly running out, and Jack realized that he needed to end this quick. So he kicked Scarfish in the stomach and jumped on top of the barrels. As Scarfish struggled to his feet, Jack stabbed the top barrel, causing the suntan lotion to leak out and cause a huge torrent, sweeping Scarfish away. As the suntan lotion with him on it surfed towards the island, Scarfish yelled,

"CUUUUURSE YOOOOU SQUAREPAAAAANTS!!!!"

The wave washed over the sunburned soldiers, and Scarfish vanished beneath the waves. The soldiers cheered, but when they saw the two ships, they grabbed their rifles and swam to the navy ship. Back on said ship, Krabs was continuing his duel with the pirates, but his telescope was knocked out of his claw.

Now without a weapon, Krabs backed up into a wall and meekly asked,

"Um, anyone favor a Krabby patty with extra cheese?'

The pirate queen then walked up to the front of the group, sword drawn and said,

"Finish him o-"

But before she could finish her sentence, everyone turned around as they heard,

"This is Reginald Coralman of the 31st battalion of the Bikini Bottom military. Hands up and drop your weapons."

They saw the soldiers from the island pointing their rifles at them. Krabs smiled and cried,

"Haha, the sunburn brigade!"

The pirates did what the soldiers said, putting their swords down, hands up and backing up against the wall. Krabs, ecstatic at this victory yelled,

"Haha, me plan worked!"

Krabs chuckled at the pirate queen, who replied,

"Handsome and clever I see."

The two shared romantic looks, but one of the army men broke up the moment and said,

"Alright sir, we'll take these guys and lock their leader in your ship."

Krabs agreed, and it was done. The pirates were taken for trial, and the pirate queen was locked in the brig. After a while, Krabs entered the room with a fancy plate. The pirate queen told him,

"Join me Krabs, we'll rule the seven seas together!"

Krabs replied,

"I'm afraid I can't let you go lass. I'd be in violation of the naval code. Enjoy your last meal. I hope you like sponge-sugar!"

The pirate queen began to eat the pie, but then found something in it. It was a candy key. Realizing what Krabs wanted to do, the pirate queen winked at him, and Krabs and Jack winked at each other.

The present Mr Krabs sighed wistfully and said,

"And that's the story of how I lost me virginity."

Spongebob and Squidward's eyes widened, and Squidward said,

"Ok, that got really awkward, really quickly."

They sat there in an awkward silence for a minute, and when Squidward noticed that the storm had stopped, he said,

"Um, I have a clarinet recital to go to, so bye."

Squidward got up and left, but as Spongebob was about to leave too, Krabs told him to wait. The old crustacean said,

"If you want boy, we can talk more about me past someday."

Spongebob smiled and said,

"Of course Mr Krabs!"

Spongebob then ran out the door, Krabs following behind him.