"Wait, is that true about Wayne Enterprises funding Batman?" demanded Two-Face.
"It sure looked that way to me," replied Joker. "But I can't confirm or deny it for sure – you'd have to ask your pal Bruce."
"Yeah, because even if you don't want to sue him, some of us might," retorted Ivy. "Not all of us have an aversion to lawyers."
"No, I know you can't get enough of one in particular whenever you can't find anyone else to date you," retorted Joker. "And no offense, Harv – it's nothing against you personally. But you can't take the case since you're insane and all. Not that that's stopped lawyers in the past, but I think it's pretty likely you're also disbarred because of the whole criminal record thing."
"I wouldn't sue Bruce's company anyway," retorted Two-Face. "But I do want to talk to him about it – maybe he's naïve enough to think Batman does some good in this town, God knows that's a common enough misconception. But if you ask me, it's more likely Bruce just doesn't know his company is doing this – he doesn't take great personal interest in the business, as you heard."
"It's sad," commented Joker. "If you put your name on something, you should take an interest in it, as it reflects back on your reputation. And to that end, I was completely hands on with Joker Enterprises from the start. I personally met with every client we had, or at least, every client Harley passed on to me."
"The ones I didn't pass on were no loss," said Harley. "Seriously. There are some really disturbing weirdos out there."
"There are some really disturbing weirdos in here, but they don't seem to bother you," retorted Joker.
"Present company included," said Crane. "And I must say, I don't see why you had to drag Jervis and me into your stupid crime."
"I thought it would be right up your alley!" exclaimed Joker. "I was trying to be nice and thoughtful!"
"You were trying to avoid getting your hands dirty, literally," muttered Crane. "Because you think you're too good for backbreaking labor, and you'd prefer to torment us rather than wake up your henchmen at whatever God forsaken hour you woke us up."
"Yes, and I honestly don't know why you thought we'd be particularly skilled at backbreaking labor," spoke up Tetch. "Jonathan and I aren't the most athletic people."
"I told you, I thought you'd both love it!" exclaimed Joker. "It had everything you nerds are all about – creepy crap and Victorian style! I thought I was doing you a favor!"
"By making us dig up a grave at gunpoint?" demanded Crane.
"Yeah! I thought you'd have fun!" snapped Joker.
"I have never had any desire to emulate the lifestyle of Burke and Hare," retorted Tetch. "I know how that ends, and it's such ungentlemanly work."
"I don't know who that is, but anyone would have been more useful than you, as it turns out," sighed Joker. "Joker Enterprises first client had, as Harley said, what appeared to be a fun and unusual request, a sort of quest for buried treasure, as it were. But it was a surprise to me when he walked through the door, because it was someone I had known for a long time, but who had never asked for my help before."
"Pengers?" said the Joker, stunned, as the Penguin entered the impromptu office Joker had set up in his hideout.
"You're surprised?" asked Penguin, sitting down. "As well you should be, I suppose – we've never been close associates, in fact, we've frequently been rivals, and I don't trust you as far as I can throw you. But I saw your advertisement, and I thought you might actually be just the man for this job, because it's such an odd request which you might find amusing."
"I dunno that I trust your taste, Pengers," retorted Joker. "What's amusing for you might not be amusing for me."
"Well, Harley seemed to think it might be, since she referred me to you," said Penguin, nodding at her, as she crouched protectively behind Joker's desk.
"I don't trust Harley's taste either," retorted Joker.
"I'm glad you can finally admit that her attraction to you is completely tasteless," agreed Penguin. "Now let me tell you about the job. Ever since my latest release from Blackgate, I've been running a smuggling operation bringing certain products into Gotham via the black market."
"Drugs?" guessed Joker.
"Gemstones," retorted Penguin. "As if I'd engage in something as common and unedifying as drug trafficking! That's for pathetic, low-level gangsters, and fast food restaurateurs. Anyway, my top smuggling agent was a man named William Knox – he worked for me for years, and there was nothing he couldn't acquire, for the right price, of course. I have always been willing to splash out on the few small pleasures I indulge in, and a few months back, I asked Mr. Knox to acquire a very rare gemstone, a small but incredibly valuable diamond known as the Hummingbird's Eye, because it's so tiny, you see. About half the size of your pinky nail, but it is a perfectly formed, and perfectly cut stone."
"Never been one for gemstones myself," said Joker. "But I know you can't resist anything bird-themed. I don't understand the purpose of a tiny diamond though – the whole point of rocks is to have the biggest one possible, to draw attention to yourself and your massive wealth."
"It might be a nice size stone for an engagement ring though," suggested Harley.
"And who's Pengers getting engaged to?" asked Joker, turning to her. "I don't think birds can consent to marriage, but God knows what people think these days."
"I'm right here, so I'd appreciate if you'd stop talking as if I weren't," retorted Penguin. "And I'm not getting engaged to anyone, or anything. This was something I wanted for my personal collection – I already have the largest diamond in the world named after the largest bird, the Ostrich's Egg, and so I wanted one named after the smallest bird to complement it. Anyway, Knox found it for me – more precisely, he stole it for me from the museum where it was being displayed over in Buenos Aires. Unfortunately, the police were on the scene fairly quickly, and before he could leave the country, they started searching for the stolen diamond at all airports and checkpoints, making it more difficult for him to smuggle it out. Well, there are many ways to hide something that tiny, but Knox was always an eccentric, and thought the best place to hide it would be on his person. Or rather, in his person, I guess."
"Do I really wanna hear this next part?" asked Joker, making a face. "I've seen what people do to smuggle things into prisons, and it ain't pretty. When Harley was still a doctor, she smuggled a gun into Arkham to help bust me out, and I never asked her how she did it because I explicitly didn't want to know."
"Not like that!" snapped Harley. "You know how lax security is in Arkham, particularly when I was still a doctor! I didn't need to use desperate measures like that!"
"Knox, as I said, was an eccentric," repeated Penguin. "So he went to a local dentist, and had the man drill a hole inside his tooth where he could hide the diamond, and where nobody would ever think to look for it. Unfortunately, when he returned to Gotham, Knox was killed in a gang shootout. The police arrived before I could get there, and his body was taken to the morgue at GCPD. I tried to get access to the body, but for some reason, the police force in this city is incredibly distrustful of any request I make, and were disinclined to acquiesce to this one. I just had to be patient, and wait until his family buried him, which they did today. Now being the impeccably dressed, well-bred man that I am, I'm certainly not going to dig up a body and mutilate it to retrieve what I want. So I was hoping you might do it for me."
"Isn't this the kinda thing you could get your henchmen to do?" asked Joker.
"They're on strike, sadly," sighed Penguin. "They seem to think they don't get paid enough for the work they do, which is obviously nonsense. Such brainless, menial tasks don't deserve high remuneration, especially since they bungle them more often than not. Anyway, I'm not in the mood to negotiate with them, especially not at this time of night. But I don't want to wait until the strike is over, since I don't know how long it will go on for, and I'm not certain who Knox told about his plan for smuggling the diamond. He was very popular among his crowd, and if he confided in some of his friends what his plans for the diamond were, they could be trying to dig him up too. I have to get there first to retrieve my property, which was stolen for me fair and square. Surely you won't mind helping me out for a generous fee?"
"Well, I did establish Joker Enterprises so I could become a billionaire," said Joker, slowly. "And you don't become a billionaire by refusing jobs with a generous fee. Gotta start somewhere, I suppose, and this seems like a good, entry-level crime. So I'll do it, for one million dollars."
"I'll give you $30,000," retorted Penguin. "That's more than generous on my part."
"Double it, and it's a deal," replied Joker.
"You're sounding like Harvey now," sighed Penguin. "$40,000 is my final offer."
"I guess I got nothing better to do tonight," agreed Joker, holding out his hand. "It's a deal."
"I won't shake, if you don't mind," said Penguin, standing up. "I've been shocked by the joy buzzer one too many times to fall for that again. You'll just have to take my word as my bond."
"Would you ever take my word as my bond?" asked Joker.
"No, but I wouldn't take a handshake as one either," retorted Penguin.
"That's fair," agreed Joker. "All right, Pengers, let me know which graveyard contains the final remains of Mr. Knox, and I'll be in touch when we've got your diamond back."
Once Penguin had done this and left, Joker turned to Harley. "Harl, our henchmen aren't on strike, are they?" he asked.
"Yeah, for now," said Harley, nodding. "But don't worry, Mr. J, I'm gonna break their strike by breaking their faces with my hammer until they see sense."
"That's my girl – where would I be without you solving problems before they start!" exclaimed Joker, embracing and kissing her. "You always know just what to do to put a smile on my face, my scrumptious little cupcake! Do you have any idea how precious you are to me, pumpkin pie?"
"I ain't digging up the body," retorted Harley. "So don't even bother asking."
"Fine," muttered Joker, releasing her. "I'll threaten someone else into doing it. Pengers is a sucker for hiring someone to do his dirty work, when everyone knows the potential for extreme pain is the ultimate motivator. Like Shakespeare said, it's better to be feared than loved."
"That wasn't Shakespeare!" snapped Crane, pausing in his writing to round on Joker. "It was Machiavelli! I am not going to record misattributed quotations here – this isn't the internet!" he snapped, crossing through the last line he had written.
"I don't see why people can't be feared and loved, personally," said Joker, shrugging. "Obviously Mozzarella wasn't very smart if he didn't know he could be both."
"Machiavelli," corrected Crane. "And I agree with him – it is better to be feared than loved."
"Of course you'd think that, Professor Scary, but nobody feels either of those things toward you," retorted Joker. "Now get back to writing down my story."
"I don't need your narration for the next part – I remember it vividly," retorted Crane. "And I told you at the time, your method for graverobbing was all wrong. I think you just wanted to make us suffer by making us do as much physical exertion as possible."
"I told you, I thought you'd enjoy it," replied Joker. "Excuse me for being considerate – it won't happen again."
"If considerate is breaking into my home and waking me up with a gun to my head, then I'm glad to hear it," retorted Crane. "I can do without niceties like that in the future, thank you very much. And if Penguin gave you $40,000 for this job, shouldn't we have gotten a cut of that?"
"No, because you didn't earn it, and I didn't get the money in the end, because I was distracted by another crime," replied Joker. "But you're jumping the gun here – let's resume from where we left off, with the graverobbing."
"If we must relive the worst night of my life," sighed Crane, returning his attention to the manuscript.
"The worst night of your life so far," finished Joker, with a grin. "Now get writing."