A Push Too Far

Frisk developed a routine over the next few weeks. In the evenings, they would spend the time between class and supper practising their agility and knife skills. After supper, they'd spend an hour or so working on their plans and letters. The rest of the evening would be spent reading or doing homework while keeping their soul out of their body. They tried to develop some multitasking skills by attempting to move their soul in circles around their body while reading.

It was a lot harder than they had anticipated. Either they'd be too focused on their soul and not register anything that they were reading, or they'd get too engrossed in their book and stop moving their soul at all. Regardless, they were determined to learn to do it.

With all their focus on their plans and their soul, it was only when Lundy reminded them about their upcoming appointment that Frisk realised Susie had barely talked to them at all since their first appointment. They already had her letter outlined, so they just had to write it. Maybe it would be a good way to try talking to her again?

They reflected on the past month and noticed just how strange it was. They sat together at meals but ate quietly and quickly. Susie spent all of her free time in the yard and went straight to bed when she returned for the night. The two of them hadn't said more than a couple of sentences to each other that whole time.

It was more important than ever for them to stop putting it off and write a good copy of her letter.

Frisk left the mapping class early that day to get a head start on writing. No one there would mind, and they intended to drop the class next semester anyways. By supper, they had a copy that they were happy with.

They folded the letter and put it in a plain envelope with Susie's name across the front. They could give it to her after supper and seal it if they needed to. If Susie decided to respect the condition to not read it right away, then they would leave it. Envelope glue tasted terrible and they didn't want to lick it if they didn't have to.

At supper, Frisk asked Susie if they could talk to her that evening. She agreed with an eyeroll and a huff. It would have to be after her axe practice. That gave Frisk a bit of time to practice with their soul and to think about exactly what they wanted to say to Susie.

They still needed to tell her about their soul, and they wanted to give her the letter. If she was open to it, they also wanted to ask her about what's been going on for the last few weeks. Really, they just wanted to start talking to her again. She was good to them when they arrived, and they wanted to keep the friendship alive as much as possible.

Some time later, Susie loudly entered their room and slammed the door behind her. Frisk jumped up and opened their mouth to speak before Susie quickly cut them off.

"I really don't feel like talking much right now, so make it quick alright?" Susie threw herself onto her bed with enough force to make it squeak. Her hair fell in front of her eyes but she made no effort to move it.

Her attitude made Frisk deflate a bit, but they were still determined to talk to their first friend at the school. "I had some stuff I wanted to talk to you about, but most importantly, I wanted to give you this."

Frisk handed the envelope to Susie who immediately grabbed it. She snorted softly and started to open the envelope.

"No!" Frisk quickly interrupted, "Don't read it yet. You're not supposed to read it until the right time."

"Yeah? And what time's that?"

"When you find your way back to the Dark World. I don't want you to read it until you know you're never going to see me again. Or if I get to the Underground first, I guess. But I bet you'll leave first." Frisk answered casually.

Susie stayed silent and stared at the letter. She slowly went to open it again.

"Stop it! If you keep trying to read it, then I'll have to lick it closed and I don't want to do that because the glue is gross!"

Susie stared at the letter again before slowly standing up and placing it on her desk. Without turning around, she asked Frisk a question, "Is that all?"

Frisk shook their head, though Susie couldn't see it. "I have some good news to tell you. And I also wanted to just hang out for a bit but… You don't seem like you really want to do that right now."

"Hah, got that right." Susie huffed but didn't turn around, "Just tell me you want to say so I can go to bed already."

They didn't like the way Susie was talking. She sounded kind of like she did on that first night when she was trying to intimidate them, but this time she sounded kind of mean. Frisk frowned a little and told them about their soul.

"Good for you. Congratulations. Maybe this means you'll find your way back sooner than you think." Susie said flatly as she flopped face-down onto her bed, "Guess that means it's time to hit the hay."

Susie was acting really strange and Frisk wanted to help fix whatever was on her mind. "What's going on? You're acting really different."

"Nah, I'm not." Susie replied.

"Yes you are. You're being all quiet and broody and you won't even look at me. The first night, you told me that quiet people piss you off. So why are you being all quiet now?" Frisk argued.

"Doesn't matter."

"Obviously it does though, if it's making you act like this. Your soul isn't even glowing anymore when you train outside."

Susie growled into her pillow. If she was saying anything, Frisk couldn't make out the words.

"You helped me when I was new and when I was upset, so I want to help you this time." Frisk said, hoping that Susie would accept their offer.

Of course, she didn't. "It's none of your damn business, Frisk! Just let it be!"

"But you're my friend and you're upset so I want to help you."

"It doesn't matter! You're a kid and I'm the adult here. Any problems I have are not your responsibility! And I'm close to twice your age." Susie countered, turning her head in Frisk's direction. Her hair still covered her gaze. Susie took a long breath and let it out slowly, "It doesn't matter at all. Just let me deal with it."

Frisk wanted to keep asking Susie what was wrong but sensed that more questions wouldn't be appreciated at the moment. If they kept asking, they might only end up with a very aggressive roommate. They decided to give her the night to calm down and try again tomorrow. If she'd been upset about something for a whole month, then the problem would probably still be there tomorrow.

They cleaned themselves up for the night and went to bed. It was going to be a long weekend.

First thing Saturday morning was their next therapy appointment. Lundy asked them about any patterns they had noticed when their voice stopped working, but Frisk had to admit that they forgot about that completely when they discovered that they could manipulate their soul. They happily told Lundy all about their soul and what they hoped it meant. She asked them about the rest of their Underground adventure, in general, and then told them about a condition called "Selective Mutism." Apparently the name made most people misunderstand that it was not a voluntary reaction and could occur on a spectrum of severity. It was something they'd have to think about.

After the session, they immediately went to the yard to find Susie. As expected, she was practising with her axe. Her gaze was intense but unfocused. It seemed like the only thing on her mind was the perfect motion of her body as she swung her weapon through the air. It wouldn't be safe to approach right now. There was no guarantee they'd come back after a fatal blow on Earth.

Instead, they were forced to wait until the evening to bring up the question again.

"Can you tell me what's going on?" Frisk asked as Susie returned for the night.

Susie glared at them. "Why the hell are you still asking me about it? It doesn't matter and it's none of your business!"

"But-"

"Do you want to lose your face? Keep asking and I'll free you of the burden."

Frisk decided to try again tomorrow. And the next day. And every evening for the next week.

"What's bo-" Frisk started.

"Have your parents written you anything since you've been here?" Susie asked flatly. Her hair was messy, and not in the way it usually was after training. It stuck out in all directions and covered the top half of her face. Her arms were shaking slightly, her fists were clenched, and her gaze never strayed from her desk.

The change in her response made Frisk pause for a moment before they replied. "They send a letter every week. All of them are addressed to my old name, so I don't read them."

"You should consider reading them. Your parents clearly care about you." Susie commented.

"If they cared, they'd use the right name."

Susie turned and looked at them for the first time since they started asking her about what was going on. She was angry. "Who gives a shit about a god damn name!" she swung her arms out to emphasize her words, "You still matter to them! And they want you in their lives enough to at least try to keep in contact. Why isn't that good enough for you?"

"You were the first one who said my letter to them was fine. You agreed with me that if they couldn't respect me, then I didn't need them." Frisk said, starting to get angry themselves. This was the total opposite of what Susie said before.

A dark grin grew on Susie's lips. "Oh boo hoo. I'm whining because people are calling me names. Get over yourself."

Frisk frowned and started to raise their voice, "I literally can't hear or read my old name anymore!"

Susie continued as if they hadn't spoken, "And you still have the chance to get them to see you as you. Instead of standing up for yourself, you run and hide away at this school, too scared to help yourself. It's pathetic, you know?"

"I TRIED!" Frisk yelled. They tried and it didn't work, so they wanted some distance to settle the tension. They wanted to be somewhere that other kids didn't bully them and that they were respected on a basic level. Was that so wrong?

"Of course you did." Susie smirked, "That's why you're not at home playing happy family right now. You're just a kid throwing a tantrum instead of growing up and dealing with the shit life throws at you."

Frisk screamed. Coming from someone they considered a friend, it was too much. They started wildly throwing punches in Susie's direction. She caught them all easily.

"Yeah, hit me. That'll show everyone your maturity." Susie snarked at them.

Each punch Susie caught made them angrier. When they jumped at her, she knocked them down. When they tried to kick at her, she turned out of the way. When she caught both of their fists and lifted them off the floor, Frisk brought their knee up quickly and managed to catch Susie in the stomach.

Susie dropped them and coughed a bit while laughing. "Good, keep hitting me! Be mean! Just make sure you can take what you're giving." Susie returned the blow with an elbow in their stomach.

Frisk curled over on the floor, trying to regain their breath. It wasn't fair. She was so much bigger than them and she was a knight. It wasn't chivalrous to go beating up on people smaller and weaker than you. She didn't deserve the title.

They summoned all the determination in their soul and slowly stood up. The room was dark and Susie's soul was clearly visible through her body and her clothes. It wasn't the same vibrant green that they had seen before when it glowed. This soul looked dull, like brittle plastic.

Frisk slowly took a step forward.

"Want some more?" Susie asked with a dark smile, "I'll kill you if you really want me to."

They stopped moving and watched their own soul slowly towards her. It was glowing bright red with their magic. If Susie couldn't see souls, then she wouldn't be able to stop this attack. She wouldn't even be able to return the blow.

Frisk steadied their gaze and shot their arm forward quickly. Their punch stayed in the air with a good distance still between them. Their soul flew forward, tip first, and struck the edge of Susie's soul. A small crack appeared on it and Susie fell over in pain.

The anger disappeared quickly and the world became bright again. Susie was on the floor, eyes shut tight, beads of sweat on her face, fists clenched over her chest, and breathing hard. Frisk backed away slowly. They didn't mean to actually hurt her. Not like that. They just wanted her to stop saying all that stuff.

They ran. They fled to the only other room they might be welcome. Soon, they were in front of a sign that read "Keep Out."

Kade must have heard them coming, because he opened the door before they had the chance to knock.

"Frisk? Come in, I guess. What's going on?"

They tried to speak but their words weren't coming out. Why was this happening now of all times? Frisk put their hands in their hair and wrapped a few short locks around their fingers. They barely felt it as they clenched their fists and increased the tension between the hair and their scalp.

They had to say something, or he might send them away and then they didn't know where they would go because they couldn't go back to their room with Susie there and they hurt her and what if they were kicked out of school because they hurt their roommate and-

A pencil and a blank notebook were pushed in front of their face.

"Touch the paper, feel the pencil between your fingers, take a breath, and write." Kade instructed.

Slowly, they released the grip on their hair and took the offered items. Their hand trembled a bit, but the words were still legible. Can I stay here for a while?

"Sure, feel free to pick a book from the shelf. Just put it back before you go back to bed." Kade watched them with concern.

Frisk shook their head.

"You don't want to read?" he asked,

Frisk shook their head again. I can't go back to my room.

Kade sighed, "You know, it's not appropriate for you to stay in the boys' dorms."

I'm not a girl and Eleanor gave the choice of which dorms to stay in. And you're not going to do anything. I can't go back.

"Did Susie do something to you?"

I

She

No

I just

It's not

It's me. It's my fault. I didn't mean it but it's my fault.

"So you did something to Susie?"

Frisk nodded and rubbed at their burning eyes.

"Is she okay?"

I don't know.

Kade frowned with concern. "Did you two have an argument? Or is she physically hurt?"

Both.

He cursed softly. "Okay, you stay here. I'm going to get Aunt Eleanor and we'll make sure she's okay. Don't leave until I come back okay? I'll be back with an update as soon as I can."

Frisk watched through blurred vision as an orange light quickly flew out the door and slammed it closed. Now that they were alone, Frisk let the tears fall. How could they hurt her like that? What kind of horrible, selfish person were they?

When Kade returned with a sleeping bag, a blanket, and two extra pillows, Frisk was curled up by his bookcase, head in their arms and sniffling loudly.

"Susie's completely fine. Not hurt at all, except a small bruise starting on her stomach. She said you kneed her pretty good for an amateur." Kade said as he set up the sleeping bag. "Aunt Eleanor said that you could spend the night in my room, but that you'd have to talk to her tomorrow about what happened. Good thing it's the weekend. You won't even miss any class."

Frisk laughed and cried with relief. Susie was fine. They hadn't done any significant damage. She was okay.

"Let it out. Collect your thoughts. Then I have a couple of questions for you." Kade said. He picked up a book and settled himself on his chair.

It was several minutes before Frisk was calm enough to hold a pencil and read what they were writing.

Thanks. What are your questions?

"What happened tonight? Normally when roommate assignments don't work out, this sort of thing happens within the first week. You and Susie seemed to be getting along fine for the last two months." Kade explained, "This incident makes no sense, so I want you to explain what you can."

I was being pushy. I kept bugging Susie every night and she kept telling me to leave her alone. Tonight, she started saying some really mean stuff to me and I got angry and started trying to fight her. Then she fought back. And then

Frisk stopped for a moment. They weren't sure how much they actually wanted to admit about their soul magic and what they did.

I hit her pretty hard and she collapsed. I was scared and I ran away.

Kade frowned at the answer. "That makes even less sense. There's no way you hit her hard enough to make her collapse. You're small for a twelve-year-old and she's one of the largest and most physically capable students at the school. On top of that, she's one of the elite knights from her kingdom. I can't see any situation where you managed to land a hit on her at all, much less one that could bring her down.

"Now Aunt Eleanor and I saw the start of a bruise on her, and Susie admitted to being kneed in the stomach. Maybe you got lucky, or maybe she let you hit her. Either way, a small blow to the gut from a prepubescent kid with no fighting experience would not have hurt her. I don't need all the details, but don't lie again."

I didn't lie. I did hit her, and I used all the strength I could at the time but I didn't mean to hurt her! Not really! I wanted to hurt her at the time because I was angry, and she was fighting back but I didn't want to hurt her like that!

Tears started to well up in their eyes again. They hated themselves. They never wanted to be the kind of person who took their emotions out on other people. They just wanted her to stop saying all those things about them.

Kade pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, "That doesn't explain what happened. Your story does not make sense."

Hesitantly, Frisk wrote the answer Kade wanted. I used my soul. She couldn't see it. Soul damage hurts a lot. Especially when you don't know it's coming.

"Soul damage. Okay." Kade was thinking hard about something, "Is it permanent? Or will it heal? If there's real damage that we can't see, we need to know."

Frisk shook their head. I don't think so. Monster food healed my soul before. And sometimes I'd get a full heal when I touched stars and felt my determination.

"Of course it's like that. The Underground is a Nonsense world, after all. Since you're the only one who can see souls, you'll have to take a look and see that there's no permanent damage. The sooner the better too." Kade stood and pushed them towards the door.

They dug in their heels and shook their head. They couldn't face Susie right now. Not tonight.

"If there's a problem, we need to know as soon as possible. The longer we wait, the more chances there are for complications. You have to do this, Frisk."

The continued shaking their head. If she's okay now, she'll stay okay. No one else can do soul magic, so her soul is safe as long as I'm kept away from her.

He stared hard at them for a moment, considering their words. "Are you one hundred percent certain of this? I will not take any chance that something bad could happen because we delayed."

Frisk looked him straight in the eyes and nodded firmly. Nothing had ever damaged their soul outside of battle. Not even sliding off the icy paths in Snowdin and falling far below to the lower pathway with the snow skeletons. Only souls could damage other souls. They were sure.

Kade let out a breath. "That's good to hear. I still want you to check her out tomorrow though. Just to be safe."

As much as they didn't want to see Susie, they had to accept. They were at fault, so this compromise was more than they deserved.

They put the pencil and notebook own and grabbed one of the spare pillows that Kade brought. They were done talking for the night and just wanted to comfort themselves by holding something soft.

"I guess you're not going to go back to your room for sleep clothes either, right?" Kade asked.

Frisk didn't respond.

"Fine. I've got an oversized shirt you can borrow. It'll probably fit you like a short nightgown. You really need to hurry up and start growing. Take it from Lundy, you don't want to be stuck as a kid your whole life."

Their body was probably just waiting for its growth spurt. The lack of growth for the last five months since they ran away just meant that they would start growing really fast soon. It's not like they could choose how much they were going to grow and when it was going to happen. They were probably just a late bloomer. People didn't have to keep commenting on it.

Frisk took the offered shirt and changed while Kade turned his back. It smelled like him.

They made their way to the sleeping bag and tucked themselves in. They just wanted to sleep and forget that tonight had ever happened.

"Um, that sleeping bag was for me. I was going to offer you the bed as a guest."

Frisk shook their head and buried their face in the pillow. They didn't mind the floor. It was like the time they spent on the mountain when they ran away.

"Suit yourself I guess."

After a while, Kade turned out the lights. Frisk laid face down and let themselves feel like garbage. Tonight was bad and they might have lost the two friends they had here. Susie definitely hated them now, and Kade didn't seem pleased with them either. He was probably only tolerating them right now because he pitied them or because Eleanor told him to.

They really were the worst kind of person.

Was this what Napstablook felt like when they said they feel like garbage? If so, it was easy to understand their pastime. Laying down was easy, and they couldn't fail at it. All they had to do was not move and just let the weight of their sins crush them.

Eventually, exhaustion caught up with them, and Frisk fell into a motionless sleep.