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Remus

Remus rubbed his temples. A headache had been forming all evening. He was reading the same section of his book over and over again. Sighing, he shoved a bookmark into it, tossing it closed. Remus pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on them.

He had been working so hard this semester. Remus received a scholarship. This was how he paid for his tuition. If he wanted to continue receiving the funding, he needed to keep his grades up.

More than anything, Remus wished things came easily to him. He felt tired, like he was always working. Always trying.

Sighing heavily, he pulled up a photo of the painting he had been working on at the studio. He glanced around the frame, trying to figure out his next steps. If he was being honest, he had no clue what to do. There was something wrong with it. But he couldn't quite figure out what.

For as long as he had known Lily, he had watched her create the most beautiful, joyful art. He would sit next to her as they painted together. She was confident in how she created. Never second guessing herself. The creativity bubbled and flowed from her onto the canvas.

Remus couldn't be more different. The entire time he was creating, he felt tension, like he was constantly on the edge of ruining the painting. He would plan and plot. Meticulously working the painting until it was done. Remus couldn't put into words how he knew when a work was finished, he just knew.

A sharp knock at the door pulled Remus out of his thoughts. He wasn't expecting anyone, but sometimes his friends would drop by. Remus pushed his chair away from the desk and made his way to the door of his dorm.

Sirius was standing on the other side, leaning his arm into the door frame. For a flicker of a moment, Remus felt a trill of excitement. Until he looked closer and realized that Sirius was swaying slightly, his eyes glazed. "Are you okay?" Remus asked, his eyebrows pulling together.

The question hung in the air, unanswered, as Sirius stumbled into the room. Remus caught him around the middle. He was unsure of what to make of Sirius's drunken state. He had seen Sirius drunk a handful of times. It was no secret Sirius liked to drink. But this was something different. Remus's stomach churned. He felt like something was wrong.

"Gonna be sick," Sirius mumbled.

Remus turned him towards the bathroom, and Sirius stumbled onto the ground in front of the toilet. He watched helplessly as Sirius began vomiting. Tears were pooling in his eyes, looking up at Remus. "Don't feel good, Moony."

He knelt down next to him. He told Sirius, "it's gonna be okay." Then pulled the hair elastic off Sirius's wrist, pulling his hair out of his eyes and tying it back. "How much did you drink?"

Sirius didn't answer, he just leaned over and starting puking again. Remus didn't know what to do. He had no clue why Sirius was so drunk, especially so early in the evening. Remus didn't know who he was even drinking with. None of their friends would have left him alone in this state. He figured something must have caused this reaction. But he had no clue what.

Remus stepped outside the bathroom door. He sighed heavily, feeling out of his depth. Remus always felt that he understood Sirius, despite him not speaking about his feelings often. He could always read the look on Sirius's face, or sense his shift in body language. Obviously, he wished Sirius would talk to him about how he was feeling, though. Even though Remus was confident he understood Sirius's feelings, there was always a kernel of doubt. That's the problem when things are left unsaid.

Feeling slightly out of his depth, Remus dialled James's phone number. He swore under his breath as the call went to voicemail. After sending James a quick text, he returned to the bathroom. He found Sirius laying across the tiles of the bathroom, vomit down the front of his shirt.

"Moony," he whined, his face covered in tears. "I'm sorry. I… I… I don't feel good."

Remus propped Sirius up against the bathroom cabinet. Sighing heavily, he pulled Sirius's shirt over his head, throwing it into the shower. He would deal with that later. Then he hoisted Sirius up and pulled him over to his bed. "Stay," he said, before grabbing a sweater and pulling it over Sirius's head.

Sirius swayed, looking down at the knit sweater. "Your favourite?"

Even though Remus doubted Sirius would remember the encounter, the comment caused his cheeks to burn. "Only the best for you. Just don't puke on it."

Flopping onto his side, Sirius mumbled, "I'm keeping it."

"No," Remus shot back.

He loved seeing Sirius in his sweaters. He would lend one to him any chance he got. Sirius was beautiful and seeing him wearing his clothes felt intimate. The sight stirred something deep in Remus. It made Sirius feel like his.

Remus shook the thought from his head. He grabbed the garbage and tossed it beside the bed.

He watched as Sirius rolled onto his back. His eyes squeezed shut and tears slid down his cheeks. Remus's heart felt like it was being wrung out. He felt helpless, unsure of what to do. Maybe if he knew what was going on, he could actually help. "Sirius, talk to me please," he pleaded with him.

"Bad day," Sirius slurred. "That's all."

"You have lots of bad days," Remus pushed. "Normally you don't show up here puking."

"She called," Sirius said.

"Sirius, I don't know what you're talking about."

James finally called him back. Letting out a sigh of relief, Remus stepped into the bathroom, answering the phone. "James, Sirius showed up at my room. I don't know what to do. He's wasted, puking and crying. I don't know what's wrong."

Remus heard James curse softly under his breath. "I'm sorry. I had a test. I'm heading back now."

He must have rushed back to the housing building, because James was there quickly. Once he was in the room, he knelt down next to Sirius, speaking to him in hushed tones. Remus tried his best not to listen in, but the room was small and he could hear bits and pieces. Sirius was speaking so low that Remus couldn't make out his words. It was mostly James he could hear from across the room.

"Man, I know, but you can't drink like this," James told him firmly.

Sirius rubbed tears from his face. His eyes were glassy as he whispered to James.

Remus picked up a book, his eyes staring at the pages but he wasn't reading.

After a lengthy conversation between James and Sirius, James pulled Remus into the hall. They propped the door open and sat across from it. Shaking his head, James told Remus, "he's only half making sense."

"What's going on?"

James took in a sharp breath, seeming hesitant. "How much has he told you about his family?"

Remus considered Sirius his best friend. Spending time with him was easy. But Sirius guarded himself, particularly about things like his childhood. "Abusive parents went to live with your family after they kicked him out."

"It was bad," James told him, running a hand through his hair. "He trusts you. But it's also not my story. He has to be the one to tell people details about the situation."

Remus bit his cheek, nodding. Waiting, wondering if James was going to give him more information.

"It's the anniversary of the day his parents kicked him out. I normally spend it with him. But I had a test," James explained. "I guess when I was gone, some other stuff happened. But I'm not sure if that's private or not."

Pieces clicked together for Remus. His mother must have called him. He didn't want to put James in an awkward situation. So he didn't press him for more information.

He watched as James bit down on his bottom lip. "I can try to bring him back to our room."

"It's okay, he can stay here," Remus offered.

James glanced at him, a knowing smile tugging at his lips. "Okay, call me if you need anything."

When Remus returned to his room, Sirius was curled up in his sweater, a blanket pulled around him. He wasn't sleeping, just staring in front of him. "Moony?" He said, reaching out for him.

"Here."

"No," Sirius grumbled. He motioned beside him. "Here."

Remus climbed across the bed. Sirius curled into him and Remus felt like it knocked the breath out of his lungs. Sirius felt right in his arms, wearing his sweater.

He knew Sirius had feelings for him. It was apparent in every interaction the two had. Something was causing Sirius to pull back, though. Remus wasn't sure what it was. He had thought about asking him. He didn't know if Sirius would freak out if confronted, though. Remus was trying to be patient, waiting for him to talk to him when he was ready.

"Your mom called?"

"She used my brother's phone," he admitted. "She knows I always answer him. Fucking bitch."

"I'm sorry," Remus whispered. It made him feel physically ill as he imagined what kind of horrible things she must have said to him.

Holding Sirius close to his chest, Remus asked, "are you okay?"

"No."

"Wanna talk?"

"No."

"What do you wanna do?"

"I want you," Sirius told him, his words heavy with implication. Sirius's hands found their way under Remus's shirt, teasing the skin along his hips. Remus was shocked when Sirius pressed his hips into his.

Even though the desire was there, the situation didn't sit well with Remus. He grasped Sirius's hands and pushed him back slightly. "You're drunk."

"I'm fine."

"No."

Sirius huffed and rolled over.

Remus didn't regret turning him down. He wanted Sirius, so badly, all the time. But he didn't want him like this. He didn't want Sirius to do something he wasn't ready to do. To wake up and regret it. To make a decision when he didn't have a clear mind.

He pulled his arms around Sirius. Remus ran his hand along Sirius's shoulders and back, feeling him relax against the touch.

When Remus woke the next morning, Sirius was sitting at the end of his bed. He looked rough, and not just from the hangover.

"I don't remember last night," Sirius told him. "I'm sure I was an idiot. So… sorry."

"James was here. He helped," Remus said, sitting up. "You can't drink like that."

"I know."