A/N: *sighs in relief* I have been trying to write this chapter for what feels like forever, but every time I tried to it kept getting too long and I kept adding in other chapters instead in order to get here. But at last- we have finally arrived! As a side note, I do just want to warn my lovely readers that I am about to start veterinary school in a few weeks, so *yay* for life goals but *boo* for having less time to write. I'll do my best to make as much headway as I can between now and then, but just know that there might be some longer waits between updates... But for now- on with the story!
Warning(s): violence, brief descriptions of injuries/blood, brief use of crude language
Chapter 17 - A Romp in the Snow
On Saturday morning Harry awoke with a start and a groan. His whole body ached in a collective protest of his recent mistreatment of it. Not even bothering to open his eyes, Harry buried his head in his pillow in a desperate attempt to go back to sleep. He managed to drift for a while, but in the end it was his bladder that forced Harry out of his warm cocoon. After relieving himself, Harry took a long, hot shower, letting his muscles relax for what felt like the first time in weeks.
Eventually, Harry had to leave his steamy sanctuary and face the day. He just had to survive one more detention and then the rest of the weekend would be free. He could manage that, right?
Fresh snowfall blanked the grounds outside, glinting in the morning sun. Harry doubled up on jumpers and socks in a desperate attempt to retain as much wonderful heat as possible. Grabbing the lent copy of his Transfiguration book, Harry slipped out of the dormitory and found a chair near the fire to curl up in and read. A little while later, Pyrrhus swept through the room, coming to join him. The little bird fluffed himself up as he nestled into Harry's neck. Harry brought a hand up to absentmindedly stroke his soft feathers and the owl let out a soft, contented trill.
As the morning progressed, there was an ebb and flow of people in the common room- most of them just passing through on their way to breakfast, a few waiting up for friends. Harry paid them little mind, letting it all just fade into background noise.
He remained rather zoned out for a while, but was eventually pulled back to reality by the sound of his own name.
"Oh, Harry!" Someone called out. He looked up to find Ananya- one of Beth's 7th year friends- making her way across the common room towards him. It looked like she'd just entered through the portrait hole and had been heading towards the girl's stairs when she'd spotted him. "Professor McGonagall sent me up to let the 6th years know that you are to report to the Transfiguration classroom for your detention at 10am."
Harry blinked, shaking his head a little in an attempt to help his brain switch gears and process what she was saying. "Oh. Okay. Thanks," Harry finally got out. Pyrrhus let out an angry hoot at having been disturbed by the movement and flapped his wings testily.
"Oh- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake your owl. I didn't even notice her there," she apologized in a softer voice.
"Don't mind him," Harry assured her, "he's just being a drama queen."
Pyrrhus had climbed up so that he was now sitting atop Harry's head looking appraisingly at Ananya. The girl laughed.
"He's very cute."
"So I've been told," Harry said dryly, as the bird in question began nesting in his hair, shooting the occasional sidelong glance towards Ananya.
"Would you mind telling the rest of the guys about the detention for me? I was just about to let the girls know," Ananya asked, getting back on topic.
"Sure," Harry said, closing his book. As he got to his feet, stretching, he asked, "What time is it?"
Ananya glanced at her watch. "Just past nine."
Harry nodded his acknowledgement and thanks as the two headed their separate ways to muster up the rest of the 6th years.
Sirius woke with a shout loud enough to wake the rest of the dorm. Instinctively, his hand shot up to slap away cold, offending object tickling his ear as he rolled away. As his brain registered the hard, fuzzy surface that his hand had come into contact with, a small, disgruntled bleat rang through the air.
Blinking more fully awake, Sirius sat up, looking around confusedly for a few seconds before his gaze fell and he found large, green eyes narrowed as Bambi scowled up at him.
"Merlin! Sor-" Sirius began, but his words were cut short when Pyrrhus swooped down out of nowhere and began attacking him. The small owl was flapping around the poor boy's head, pulling at his hair with sharp talons.
The ensuing squawking and yelling had the rest of the room's occupants scrambling out of their beds. James fumbled for his glasses as Peter and Remus stumbled across the room. They were so distracted by the commotion going on in Sirius' bed that Peter almost tripped over Bambi, who had backed up at the sudden attack. As Peter let out a squeak, pivoting at the last second before he stepped on the little deer, Bambi launched himself onto the bed.
With Sirius still sitting down, Bambi was just tall enough to insert himself in between the boy and the owl, effectively stopping the assault. After a few more angry screeches, Pyrrhus moodily settled on Bambi's back, still glaring at Sirius.
"Bloody hell!" Sirius cursed, looking wildly around, still a little tense. His arms hovered, ready to shield his face again if necessary.
Harry backed away from him slowly, easing himself and Pyrrhus to the far end of the bed. With a little shake, he got Pyrrhus to hop over and perch on the footboard before changing back into Harry.
Immediately, he whipped around, looking sternly at the owl. "You can't do that!" Harry said harshly before turning back to Sirius. "Are you okay?" He asked, wide eyes filled with concern. Upon closer inspection, small scratches littered Sirius' arms and there were even a few on his face.
"Yeah," Sirius said breathily, smoothing his hair back down into some semblance of order. "What the hell?" The question seemed to be directed at everyone and no one all at once.
"I'm so sorry," Harry said earnestly. "I think he just freaked out when you hit me, but he cannot do that!" The last bit was directed at the testy bird once again. Pyrrhus ruffled his feathers and turned away from Harry's disapproving look.
"You hit him?" James asked with his own look of disapproval directed at Sirius.
"No- I- I didn't-" He stuttered before Harry jumped in.
"Not on purpose," Harry rushed to Sirius' defense. "And not very hard," he put in for good measure. "Not a very pleasant way to wake up, is it?" He added, turning back towards Sirius with a quirked eyebrow and a teasing smile.
"Prat," Sirius muttered, rubbing his ear at the memory.
"Not liking the taste of your own medicine, eh?" Remus chuckled as everyone relaxed.
Sirius grumbled something under his breath before turning to Harry with a curious expression. "Did you actually need something or were you just bored and looking to make a point?"
Harry's eyes grew wide. "Oh, shit! We have detention in, like, thirty minutes!" Scrambling off the bed, he told them, "We have to be in McGonagall's classroom by 10."
That got everyone moving. Harry snatched Pyrrhus off of his perch, taking him back to his own area whilst lecturing the owl about his behavior. Remus, who was usually so calm and collected, even in the mornings, looked a little panicked. He always made a habit of getting up with plenty of time to get ready for the day and did not handle the sudden change with grace. The other three were always a mess, but the looming threat of their Head of House's wrath if they dared to be late was enough to send them into a full-on frenzy.
Not having enough time to risk heading all of the way down to the Great Hall, Sirius pulled out the pastries from the night before and thanked Halsy once again. As he selected a scone for himself, he grabbed a second one and chucked it at Harry.
"Eat," he instructed in response to the surprised and slightly confused look on Harry's face as he caught the flying pastry before it hit him in the face.
By the time everyone was ready (or at least ready enough) they only had ten minutes to make it to the Transfiguration classroom, so the walk down was more of a hurried rush. The girls were already waiting in the room when the guys arrived. Harry noted that, as a whole, they looked much more put together than he knew they did- although a few of them still appeared to be fighting to fully wake up from their likely interrupted sleep.
Not a minute after the guys had arrived, Professor Flitwick, surprisingly, emerged from McGonagall's office at the back of the room.
"Oh, good- you're all here. Good morning!" He greeted in his usual, merry tone- although his smile seemed a little more forced than normal. "As I'm sure you would all like to get on with your Saturdays, we will get right to it. Today you will be helping prepare for some of the lower years' upcoming lessons. Half of you will be staying here to help with Transfiguration and the rest will join me for Charms."
After explaining the task- essentially setting objects that the students will be practicing on to rights from the last time they were used and ensuring that they are all in the proper form for the next lesson- Flitwick left James, Peter, Milli, Gretta, and Remus to their work. He then led Harry, Lily, Sirius, and Haleigh up to the Charms classroom where they were given a very similar task to the others- though they were canceling old charms and mending broken objects rather than transfiguring them back into their intended forms.
Apparently, for this detention they were trusted to self-supervise as each group was left with just a prefect in charge and Flitwick telling them that they could leave once all of the designated objects were ready for the next class. Harry guessed that the professors would see their work when they got back later and could dish out consequences if they had not done it properly then, so they needn't waste their Saturdays watching over them. He wondered what the Slytherins were doing for their detention- he had assumed this would be another shared punishment, but the snakes had been notably absent and Flitwick hadn't seemed surprised or concerned that they hadn't shown up.
Since the task wasn't that hard and there were a few of them doing it, Harry's group was finished in barely an hour. They made their way back to the Transfiguration classroom to check on the others and found that they were not quite finished yet. It wasn't quite lunch time, so it didn't make any sense to head to the Great Hall to wait, but they also felt a little silly just standing around in the corridor until the other group was done.
They were debating what to do when Harry interjected, "Actually, I was gonna run and see Madam Pomfrey and see if I can ditch this thing." He motioned towards the sling he was still dutifully wearing at her request. His shoulder hadn't bugged him at all since he'd woken up (or at least, it hadn't been any more sore than the rest of him), but she had told him in no uncertain terms that he must wear it for a minimum of twenty four hours- which was just about then. "I'll come find you guys at lunch, if that's okay."
Sirius took a beat to look at the ceiling as if asking for strength from some higher power before turning towards Harry. "No, it's not," he said flatly. "Not alone, at least," he clarified at Harry's slightly taken aback and confused look- usually, they wanted nothing more than for him to willingly go to the hospital wing. Harry rolled his eyes at the comment. "Don't you dare give me that," Sirius warned, "as if the last two times you were out of our sight didn't end horribly."
Harry huffed, "It wasn't horrible-"
But Lily cut him off. "Harry- you're a shite judge of such things," she snapped before taking a breath to reign in her irritation. Her next words were said much more calmly. "Besides- we don't know how the rest of the school- let alone the Slytherins- are reacting to what happened, or even what they've heard about it. Use your head. No one should be wandering around alone right now and especially not you."
Harry sighed. Loathe as he was to be babysat, he had to admit that the logic was not flawed.
Seeing Harry's concession, Sirius grinned. "I'll just leave the others a quick note and we can head off then." He snatched a scrap of parchment out of his bag and scratched out a few lines before shoving the note under the door so that the rest of their yearmates would hopefully see it as they made to leave.
Just a half hour later, Harry had been once again given a clean bill of health by Madam Promfrey and had the all clear to resume normal activities. They were just leaving the wing when they ran into the rest of their housemates who were walking with hurried footsteps down the corridor.
Harry smiled, happy to finally be able to put the events of the past few days behind him. His good mood faltered when he saw the worried expressions on his approaching friends' faces.
"Are you okay?" He asked anxiously as they drew near, his eyes roaming over the group to assure himself that they were all present and that nothing appeared obviously wrong.
"Are you?" James asked a bit breathlessly, drawing to a halt in front of them, his eyes tracing a similar pattern on Harry.
"Yeah?" Harry told him, a note of confusion bleeding into his voice. "Just got Pomfrey's sign off to ditch the sling-" he motioned back towards the infirmary with his newly healed arm.
"You git!" Gretta yelled, angrily smacking Sirius in the arm.
"What?!" He cried, recoiling at the rough treatment.
"'Popped off to the hospital wing with Harry- see you at lunch!'" She hissed. "What did you think we were gonna think?!"
Lily shook her head, muttering, "Prat," under her breath as she rolled her eyes.
During lunch, they mulled over what to do with the remainder of the weekend. While there was of course homework to be done, no one was really eager to get started on it. They wanted to relax and take a little break from everything. A few options were thrown out without much enthusiasm and in the end it was surprisingly Sirius' suggestion that they go out and enjoy what remained of the sunshine and nice snow that they settled on. No one could deny that a little fresh air sounded good.
So, they traipsed their way up to Gryffindor tower in order to properly bundle up before making their way back down to the Entrance Hall and then out onto the snowy grounds. The blanket of fresh powder crunched beneath their feet as the group made their way wanderingly towards the lake. The untouched snow all around seemed to muffle everything, giving an illusion of peace.
Harry couldn't help but smile as they made their way past the Whomping Willow. Its snow-covered, barren branches held an elegant sort of beauty in the way they ever so gently swayed despite the lack of wind. It was both haunting and mesmerizing.
Harry was snapped out of his waxing poetic thoughts when they meandered a little too close to the tree in question and it gave a sudden shake, unceremoniously dumping the snow from its branches onto the encroaching students. A few shrieks were heard as everyone bid a hasty retreat from the tree, not wishing to push it and risk getting properly swatted.
Once they made it to safety, everyone began shaking the snow out of their hair and collars, grumbling. Well, almost everyone. Just as Harry was knocking the ice off of his scarf, he caught sight of the fond smirk on Remus' face.
Making his way over, Harry asked, "You a big fan of a cold shower?"
Pulling his gaze away from the tree, Remus looked at Harry with a slightly more wistful expression than Harry had expected. "No. I- uhh- I've always just been a fan of the Whomping Willow."
"Really? You're a 'fan' of the sentient tree that just chose to dump snow down your back?" Harry gave one last involuntary shake, like a wet dog.
"She's just doing her job," Remus defended. "She doesn't deserve such a bad rap. You know- like the stairs. She does what she's designed to do and she does a damn good job of it." Remus' eyes roamed over the others who were still trying to set themselves to rights. "Plus, I like her style," he grinned.
From that perspective, Harry could see he had a point. She was essentially a guard for the passageway to the Shrieking Shack and she undeniably guarded it well. But upon further reflection, she was more than that. She didn't just protect the secret passage- she protected Remus. She guarded his secrets and kept him safe while also keeping Hogwarts safe from him. Harry could definitely understand his fondness for the violent tree.
Resuming their walk, the Gryffindors made their way back towards the castle, not wanting to stay out too much longer now that they were all varying degrees of damp. When Gretta complained about 'that overgrown shrub' managing to get snow somehow 'all the way down to her kickers', Peter made the fatal mistake of outright laughing at her. She pinned him with a fierce look as she stalked towards the wide-eyed boy. An evil smile curled her lips.
"What, Petey?" She asked innocently before shoving a handful of snow down the back of the poor boy's trousers. "Isn't it funny?" She asked loudly over Peter's yelps as he danced away from her, desperately trying to shake the snow out of his pants, but only succeeding in falling over into a nearby drift.
James- loyal to a fault- retaliated for his fallen friend, sending a snowball splattering against the side of Gretta's head. Chaos ensued and soon it was an all-out war. It began as girls versus guys, but then people kept defecting until no one was even bothering to track who was on what 'team' anymore and they all just tried to cause the most carnage.
Harry had taken shelter behind a barricade someone else had built and then abandoned earlier in the fight in order to take a slight reprieve. After catching his breath and restocking his ammo, he popped his head up above the barrier, sweeping his gaze around the battlefield, seeking out his next target. Just as he was zeroing in on Milli's foolishly exposed back, Harry saw something coming at him just in his periphery. He didn't have time to dodge as the wet slush smacked into the right side of his head. It got in his ear and splattered the inside of his glasses on impact, making Harry recoil at the unpleasant sensation. He quickly ducked back down, taking cover in order to regroup.
Roughly shaking his head like he was trying to get water out of his ear, Harry managed to get the last of the snow out and hastily wiped clear his lenses before peeking back over his shelter to re-engage. It was rather unfortunate timing as almost the instant he did so, another snowball came flying and nailed him right in the face. Harry spluttered, caught off-guard as he straightened up slightly in shock. Then, he felt something hard connect with his face, knocking him back a little in surprise as he felt a sting on his cheek that was distinctly different from the biting cold of the icy snow.
The stumble exposed Harry and soon the others were taking advantage of his moment of weakness. A barrage of snow was pelted at Harry from multiple directions. Harry threw his arms up to cover his face as he braced himself to take the hits, knowing that there was no way to avoid them. In the midst of the onslaught, there were two more hits clustered together that were from something much harder than their loose snowballs.
"Stop!" Harry shouted as a fourth hard object bounced off his arm, effectively bringing the entire fight to a halt. All fire immediately ceased and everyone's attention was trained on Harry. After a second's hesitation to make sure nothing else was coming his way, Harry lowered his arms and quickly cleaned his glasses so that he could see properly once again.
A smiling Sirius was making his way over. "What's up? Can't take the heat?" He asked teasingly. As he drew closer, though, his brow scrunched into a slight frown. "What happened to your face?" Sirius asked, spying the line of blood beading up on Harry's cheek.
"Somebody's throwing fucking rocks!" Harry accused, wiping at the blood with his sleeve. Eyes sweeping over his friends, Harry saw nothing but concerned faces- until he caught sight of a couple of figures standing just beyond their little group, doubled over laughing. "Oi! You think it's funny, do you?" He shouted, stooping down to snatch up a rock of his own. Harry timed it perfectly so that the stone hit the boy on the left square in the nose just as he was straightening up. It was rather satisfying to watch him immediately double over once again- this time clutching at his face.
"You little runt!" The second figure growled, turning to glare at Harry. Regulus Black- of course. Harry internally rolled his eyes.
"What? You can give, but you can't take it? Shouldn't throw stones in a glass house, you know?" Harry taunted, taking a few more steps towards the other boys and grabbing another rock which he tossed casually in the air. "How about it? You wanna test my aim? Think I can't go two for two?"
The first boy looked up, a hand firmly pressed to his bleeding nose. Harry was surprised to note, as blood dripped down onto a blue crest, that he was a Ravenclaw and not a Slytherin like he had assumed given that he was hanging out with Regulus. Evil comes in all shapes and colors, I suppose, he shrugged. But when the boy locked eyes with Harry, Harry was shocked and a little horrified that he recognized him. It was Barty Crouch Jr. A little younger and a little less crazed than when Harry had seen him at his trial in Dumbledore's pensieve, but it was undoubtedly him. Ahh, the joys of meeting all of the people that would grow up to one day try and actively murder him. And like so many others, young Barty seemed eager to get an early start on his mission. Harry felt even less bad for nailing him. Staring Barty down, Harry said, "Or it could be a two for one deal, if you think it might've been just a fluke?"
Barty pulled his hand away from his face to grin at Harry with blood stained teeth. "I'd like to see you try," he challenged.
Not about to back down, Harry let the second stone fly. Though, instead of hitting Barty, like they had all expected, Harry had actually aimed for Regulus instead. The dark haired boy was caught off guard enough that he couldn't really dodge and the rock connected solidly with his cheek. Harry hadn't broken eye contact with Barty the entire time.
Regulus let out a hiss, going for his wand, but the Gryffindors were faster.
"Try it," Sirius warned, his wand pointed directly at his brother.
Regulus looked around, as if just now noticing the tactical miscalculation of coming after Harry when it was two against nine- as if he hadn't expected it to turn into a real fight. Not suicidal enough to push the situation any further, Regulus grabbed Barty's arm to pull him away, saying haughtily, "He's not worth the effort." As if it had been his decision to walk away.
Barty spat at Harry, splattering the snow between them red, and flashed one last eerie smile before turning sharply and striding purposefully along with Regulus back up towards the castle.
"Bloody hell." James let out a long breath, slowly lowering his own wand.
"I can't believe you did that," Lily said, caught between reproach and awe.
"Well, it's about damn time that they got a taste of their own medicine," Harry huffed. "I'm done rolling over. They don't just get to ruin everything without consequences. They can piss. Off."
"Hey- no arguments here," Sirius said, putting his arms up. "It was just an- interesting- way to go about it."
"I told you that I don't need a wand to defend myself. I didn't violate our probation. And if they cry to a teacher I'm more than happy to take the detention and take them down with me," Harry explained more calmly. "It's all a part of this new 'do unto others' approach I think I'm gonna try out."
"I don't think that's what that saying means," Remus pointed out, but Harry waved him off.
"Same difference. I'm just applying it retroactively."
"So, Pads- since you didn't actually get to choose what we did on your birthday proper, do you wanna have a make-up go tonight?" James asked, leaning over so that only the guys would hear him. The girls were sitting a little further down the table and he had a feeling that they would likely not approve.
Sirius looked pensive for a moment as he considered the offer. Immediately ideas began flitting through his head, but he thankfully had the presence of mind to dismiss the vast majority of them as 'not a good idea'. At least, not for right then. A few of them he filed away for further examination later on though.
"What does Birthweek Boy- excuse me, Birthweek Man- declare?" Peter asked with much pomp and circumstance.
Sirius sat up a little straighter before he spoke. "I do not have a declaration, but rather a proposition."
Remus raised an eyebrow at the break from tradition. "Oh? Pray tell."
"It is a proposition fit only for furry ears," Sirius said in a low, conspiratorial voice.
Harry was having trouble deciding just where on the scale of 'stupid, reckless, ill-conceived late-night activities' this fell. He reckoned maybe somewhere in between bathing with the egg in his 4th year and smuggling Norbert(a) out in his 1st.
Sirius' grand proposition had been a moonlit jaunt through the forest.
It hadn't taken too much convincing to get everyone onboard with the idea since so rarely do they get to really stretch their legs in their animagus forms or spend time with Remus like that while he is fully himself. Harry was likely the one with the most reservations- not about the sneaking out, but about the animagus expectations. While he had made a lot of progress, he was still not fully comfortable with Bambi quite yet. But he didn't want to admit his insecurities nor ruin the fun, so he agreed along with everyone else in the end.
So, they stayed up into the night waiting for the last hangers on to finally turn in and leave the common room. Once the coast was clear, they set off. Since all of them would not fit underneath the invisibility cloak, it was decided that Peter and Sirius would change first as the least conspicuous animals if they were to be seen. (Padfood wasn't exactly inconspicuous, but at least a dog in the castle wasn't quite as odd as a deer.) The racket alone of hooves on against stone would draw too much unwanted attention. They were also deemed the most likely to be able to get away if caught. That left Harry, James, and Remus to hunker down beneath the cloak. As they made their way through the silent halls, Remus studied the Marauder's Map closely, ensuring that their path was clear.
There were a few close calls with some of the ghosts. The Fat Friar actually saw Sirius, but he just squeaked, "Grimm!" before turning around and hastily floating through the nearest wall. Harry snorted. As if he weren't already dead.
Eventually, they reached the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Stepping just inside of the treeline, the three boys finally shed the invisibility cloak. James wasted no time and it was soon just Harry and Remus standing beside Prongs, Padfoot, and Wormtail.
"Go on. It'll be fine. The forest protects its own," Remus said reassuringly, giving Harry a little nudge.
"What about you?" Harry asked nervously.
"There's a reason I don't take Care of Magical Creatures- most of them make a point of steering clear of me. I'll be fine. Besides, I've got you lot as back up, don't I?" Sirius barked in confirmation before coming up and tugging on Harry's sleeve.
With a sigh, Harry shook him off. "I'm coming, I'm coming. Don't get your knickers in a twist." He closed his eyes and soon felt the transformation wash over him.
When he blinked bright green eyes open again, his first thought was that things looked a lot clearer. His second thought was that Merlin- Prongs was tall. The stag towered over him and it was rather intimidating. Padfoot, seeming to sense his unease, dropped down onto his stomach and woofed lightly at him. Prongs got the memo and laid down as well.
Harry stared at them. Yes, he'd seen them before- but that was back in their dorm and it just wasn't the same. That setting really didn't do them justice. Out there, in the forest, under the star light, they almost looked like ghosts. Turning, Harry saw that Remus had a similar ethereal look to him. In fact, looking around, everything seemed to have a bit of a haunting glow and Harry distantly wondered if deer had some form of night vision or something. Either way, it felt a bit like he had stepped into another plane of existence.
His instincts took over as he unconsciously began sniffing the air and following the different scents as he explored the area around him. He did another investigation of his friends as well, much like he'd done back in their room on that first day, but out there they smelled different. It was hard to describe just what that difference was and all Harry could come up with was that they seemed more real.
As Bambi was finishing up his investigations, Padfoot rolled onto his back, exposing his belly, with his legs curled in the air and rolled around happily in the dirt. At the sudden movement, Bambi jumped back, but he quickly realized that there wasn't any danger and he slowly approached Padfoot. The dog's hot breath had created a warm spot near his head as he panted happily and Harry found himself leaning in closer to him. But Bambi soon got more than he bargained for as Padfoot stretched up and a long, wet tongue lapped at the side of his face. Bambi rocked back with as much of a look of utter disgust as a fawn can manage and he turned to find Remus laughing. What little of his face that was visible beneath the upturned collar, scarf, and fuzzy hat was creased with mirth and he seemed to fully relax when began to recover from the fit. Bambi stuck his tongue out at him before turning back to the original offender and kicking some dirt at him with a snort. Wankers, the lot of them.
Padfoot rolled back over and gave a dramatic shake to clean himself off. Wormtail let out a squeal as he took shelter beneath Prongs from the raining debris. Prong stood up- mindful of the rat- and led the way deeper into the forest. He set a slow pace as Remus wasn't as fast in his human form and Bambi kept getting distracted. He was looking around at everything they passed- every tree and root and rock- trying desperately to take it all in from his new perspective. He'd often stray from the group, following a smell or to get a closer look at something. The others let him explore, continuing on as usual- though once or twice Padfoot had to herd him back in when he wandered just a bit too far from the others. It wasn't that he thought him in any danger, but he didn't want Bambi to panic if he thought he'd gotten lost or something.
It was that kind of thinking that only an animagus- or someone very close with one- could understand. When one changes form, they are still entirely themselves. But that doesn't mean that their new biology (and instincts) don't influence an animagus. Harry was probably the most equipped of their group to wander around the Forbidden Forest alone- besides maybe Remus. But one of the main reasons for that is that Harry doesn't panic. He seems to always manage to keep a cool head in situations. However, Bambi doesn't have that same trained calm yet. He cannot help the quickening of his heart and the shot of adrenaline and might freeze him in place or tell his legs to run before his brain has a chance to weigh in. Even after settling into their animagus forms, these subtle influences can still be seen if you know where to look. Padfoot is more overtly protective than Sirius is and Prongs is a bit more standoffish and stubborn than James. And Wormtail, well, Peter has always been skittish, but in his human form, he usually at least hesitates before running away. As Wormtail, there is no indecision- just instinct.
As the others watch Bambi stubble along, green eyes wide as he takes everything in, his nose leading him this way and that, they cannot help but appreciate this side of Harry that Bambi seems to embrace. Harry has always been curious and observant, but it's usually in a very reserved manner. He'll read quietly in the corner or watch people from afar. But Bambi, it seems, is able to let down his guard and just be wholly, innocently inquisitive. His attention is so wrapped as he looks at something between the trees to his left that he trips over a root in front of him, but he catches himself and just keeps on going, never even looking away from the spot that had captured his attention. Remus catches Prong's eye and smiles with a silent chuckle as the stag shakes his head in amusement having both seen the slip up.
Eventually, Padfoot got bored of walking quietly. After a sidelong glance at Prongs, he gives a mischievous tail wag before breaking off to circle around the back of the group. Remus sees the move and watches carefully to make sure he's not about to do something too stupid. But Padfoot merely sneaks around to walk beside Bambi. He falls in step with the little deer and waits for Bambi to notice him. When Bambi turns to face him, his head tilted in question, Padfoot leans over and taps him in the shoulder with his nose before taking off back towards Prongs with a playful bark. Bambi shifts his eyes towards Remus, head cocked to one side as if to ask, What the fuck?
"I think you're 'it'," he told him.
Bambi's confused expression only deepened before he straightened up and walked over to Remus. Remus crouched down to be a little closer to eye level with him as Bambi slowly approached.
"Hey- you don't have to play if you don't want to. Pads has got plenty of people to pick on- have no fear." He spoke softly, throwing a glance over at the others who were pretending not to be listening in. Looking back down at Bambi, Remus extended a gloved hand out wanting to soothe the expression off of the fawn's face but not wanting to cross any lines. Not everyone likes to be pet- and Harry in particular rarely initiates contact on a good day.
So Remus took it as a good sign as Bambi leaned in to sniff his hand. But then, his nose made contact with him and quick as a flash, Bambi bolted in the opposite direction. Remus was frozen for a second, still crouched down with his hand held out in front of him, as he processed what had just happened.
As he rose, Remus stage whispered, "You little sneak! Entrapment! That's what that was. Entrapment!"
Prongs let out an amused snort and Padfoot's eyes glinted as his tail picked up speed. As Bambi caught up with them, the two gave him nods of approval and Wormtail- who was perched on Prong's back- chittered in assent.
Remus took off after them and a rambunctious game of tag ensued. Since Remus wasn't as fast as the others, they competed to see who could get the closest to him without getting caught. Prongs lost that round as he made a big target and wasn't quite as nimble as Padfoot. Wormtail, however, had gotten a little too comfortable in his hitchhiking allowing for Prongs to simply turn around and tag him before unceremoniously dumping the rat onto the cold forest floor. Once he was loose, Wormtail was hard to see, so he had no trouble sneaking up on Padfoot soon enough. The only indication that Wormtail was no longer 'it' was the yelp of surprise Padfoot let out when the rat crawled up his leg. Padfoot then took off after Prongs and the two ran off into the trees only to return a few minutes later with Prongs in pursuit of Padfoot this time. And so the game went.
Eventually, they grew tired and Remus ended up being the first to officially forfeit when he tripped trying to snatch Wormtail and found himself in a small patch of snow that had gotten through the canopy where there was a broken branch.
He rolled over where he fell and threw his arms up in surrender as he laid on the ground and cried, "Uncle!" Throwing an arm over his face he said dramatically, "Leave me! Just leave me here! Lads- I can't carry on. Seems like time's up for old Moony." Remus let out a series of exaggerated coughs before pretending to give up the ghost.
Padfoot let out a whine and crawled over to Remus and began licking his face. Remus cracked an eye open and glared at him. "Won't even let me die in peace, will ya?" Padfoot gave a soft woof and shook his head in reply. Wormtail scampered up on Remus' chest and mimed doing CPR which made Remus chuckle.
Prongs, who was standing next to the dog pile, rather than joining in, chose instead to rear up on his hind legs and knock into the remaining branches overhead, showering the lot of them with snow.
Wormtail and Padfoot scattered and Remus shot up, sputtering. "Prick," he hissed with a glare. "Can't even wait 'til I'm fully dead to bury me," he grumbled, shaking the snow out of his scarf.
Padfoot shook himself clean, splattering everyone else all over again, before rounding on Prongs with a growl. Not needing any other warning, Prongs turned and ran just a second before Padfoot launched himself after him. Bambi and Wormtail waited for Remus to collect himself before they set off after the other two at a much more sedate pace. With Padfoot's barking and their collective lack of grace, their trail was easy enough to follow, even when they got out of sight.
The others caught up with the pair in a large clearing where Padfoot and Prongs were basically running in circles at that point. Since there were no trees overhead, there was a layer of rather thick snow blanketing the area. It slowed down their pace as they had to fight to pull their legs free. Soon enough, Padfoot found his opening and knocked Prongs into a nearby drift. Satisfied with his end goal accomplished, Padfoot went and joined Prongs in the snow, flopping down beside him.
Making their way over to join them, Wormtail had the easiest time as he was light enough so that he didn't sink into the snow and was able to just scurry across the top of it. Remus and Bambi had a tougher go of it. Remus had to slough through and the snow nearly came up to Bambi's chest. His gangly, uncoordinated limbs were also not making things any easier.
They were about halfway across when a dark shape swooped out of the sky and snatched Wormtail right in front of everyone's eyes. A distant squealing could be heard as the shape soared back up into the sky. It crossed in front of the half moon, brightly illuminating the silhouette of an owl with a rat clutched in its talons. For a moment, the world froze. And then the bird swooped back down, dropping Wormtail in the snowbank on the other side of Prongs. Then, it fluttered back across to land beside Bambi and Remus.
"Pyrrhus?" Remus let out a long, relieved breath- the first one he had taken in what felt like hours, but was really only seconds. Pulling his eyes away from the little owl, he looked over to the others and called out, "It's just Pyrrhus!" Seeing Prongs and Padfoot relax at that, Remus turned back to the owl. "You probably just gave Wormy a heart attack." Pyrrhus did not look concerned in the least.
Bambi lunged at him. While Harry wasn't a fan of Peter by any stretch, what Pyrrhus had done felt a bit mean. Pyrrhus fluttered smugly out of his reach. Not one to be easily deterred, Bambi lept after him. Remus just shook his head and left them to it, continuing on his way to join the others. When he finally made it to them, Remus collapsed next to Prongs and found Wormtail hiding beneath his folded legs.
"He was just giving you a lift," he told him teasingly. "You know Pyrrhus wouldn't actually hurt you." But Wormtail was apparently not willing to risk it and remained hunkered down.
Remus shrugged and leaned back to have a rest. The moonlight glinted off the snow in the clearing, making it a little brighter than the rest of the forest. The four of them watched as Bambi chased Pyrrhus around. It made for quite the spectacle as they looked like some scene out of Snow White- or, well, Bambi. A little deer merrily frolicking about with his Friend Owl. In the end, Bambi was forced to admit defeat as he was at the distinct disadvantage of not having wings in their little game of cat and mouse.
Giving up, he made his way over and laid down next to Padfoot. Padfoot rolled over onto his back once again, as if asking, Did you have fun? Bambi gave a snort that left his nostrils in a misty cloud and a grudging nod as if he was loath to admit that this hadn't been Sirius' worst idea.
They sat there for a while longer, gazing at the stars, before Remus made the executive decision to call it a night. He cited the cold and "Not having fur like the rest of you lot," as the reason they needed to start heading back towards the castle, when in reality it was because he knew it was getting late and that they did not want to be out anywhere close to dawn. So they roused Bambi and Pyrrhus- who had fallen asleep curled up beside Padfoot- and started making their way back out of the forest. When they reached the treeline once again, James and Harry shifted back.
"Sorry bud, but you can't come with us under the cloak," Harry told Pyrrhus, who had settled back on his shoulder once he'd righted himself. Pyrrhus ruffled his feathers in indignation. "Hey- you can meet us up there if you want. You've just gotta find your own way there- which I know you are more than capable of doing," Harry said with a knowing look. Pyrrhus hooted in concession and flew off up into the canopy.
Remus checked the map as Wormtail climbed aboard Padfoot for the journey back. With the coast confirmed clear, Harry, James, and Remus piled under the cloak as they began the long walk back to the castle. While the cold hadn't bothered Harry in the slightest while they were in the forest (which must have been hours), in the fifteen minutes it took them to make it to the Entrance Hall he felt like he may never feel his fingers or toes again. Poor Remus, he thought. That boy puts up with a lot for the sake of his friends- including but not limited to, apparently, potential frostbite.
With only one small detour to avoid the ever-lurking caretaker, they made it back to Gryffindor tower without incident. Once inside the common room, Sirius and Peter finally changed back as well and all five guys quickly made their way up to their dorm.
Once inside with the door firmly closed, Sirius turned around to face everyone with a huge grin on his face. "Yet another flawlessly executed outing, gentlemen. Mr. Padfoot thanks you for your participation," he said with a flourish and a deep bow.
"Ah, and Mr. Prongs accepts his thanks and extends his own to the beautiful mind that had such an idea," James said formally with a bow of his own.
"Mr. Wormtail seconds!" Peter chimed in.
"Mr. Moony would like nothing more than a hot shower and a warm bed," Remus added flatly as he started shucking layers of clothing.
Everyone's gazes turned towards Harry who looked up from breathing on his still frozen hands to find all of the attention on him. "Uhh, I second Moony?"
"I'm sorry- who seconds Mr. Moony?" Sirius asked, leaning in expectantly.
"Please don't make me say it… It's bad enough you lot call me that. But referring to myself in the third person as 'Mr. Bambi' makes me sound like either a drug dealer or a pedophile- neither of which is really a look I'm going for."
Everyone burst out laughing.
"How about Mr. B?" Remus asked once he managed to pull himself together.
"Now that sounds like 'Mr. Bean'," Harry complained.
"Who's 'Mr. Bean'?" Peter asked curiously.
"Just a muggle character," Harry said dismissively. And one that probably hasn't debuted yet, he added in his head. "But trust me- again, not someone you want to be associated with."
"But everyone needs a formal name, for formal business and such," Sirius said matter-of-factly.
"Can't we just use 'Mr. Doe' for any 'formal documentation' then? Do I really need another alias?" Harry whinged.
"Wait- 'Doe' isn't your real name?" Peter asked, throwing his hands up in a 'hold up a minute' gesture.
"Of course not. You were there, Pete. You know I couldn't remember my name. But they had to call me something in class, so Dumbledore decided to go with 'Doe'. You know, like John Doe? I think he got a right kick out of it." Harry rolled his eyes. Peter flushed, looking away.
"Oh, yeah!" Sirius said, turning towards Harry with a spark in his eye. "So what is your real name then?" He asked with false casualty.
"I don't remember," Harry said flatly.
"Oh, come on! We won't tell anyone! I think we've proven at this point that we are very good with keeping secrets. Come on…" Sirius begged. Peter looked equally eager though James' expression was a bit more conflicted. Of course he was burning to know, but at the same time, if Harry didn't want to tell them, then that was that, right?
"Pads…" Remus said and with one disapproving look Sirius seemed to come back to himself and realized what he was doing. He was treading dangerously close to ruining a perfectly good night- and one that they all desperately needed.
"Well I think 'Doe' suits you anyway," Sirius dismissed. "Why mess with a good thing, right? You can sign with an X for all it matters, legally speaking. Ooh- or a hoofprint! That'd be way cooler. Why haven't we been doing that all along?"
"Because then we'd only be able to conduct official business on a full moon and it would require you to fingerprint a werewolf," Remus said dryly.
"Fair point."
"I would like to point out that I didn't actually agree to sign anything," Harry interjected.
"Well, that's just because we haven't had any new legislation introduced recently. But it's sure to come up," Sirius insisted.
"Then does this really need to be settled right now?" Harry looked around at everyone incredulously. "Five AM seems like a bad time for making such an important decision." 'Important' was said with heavy sarcasm.
"Another fair point," Sirius conceded. "This topic will be tabled until our next sitting."
"Thank Merlin," Harry muttered as he collapsed onto his bed.
"Happy belated birthday, Pads," someone whispered into the dark room.
Nobody stirred in the boys dormitory until 10 AM on Sunday and even then no one bothered to drag themselves out of bed until nearly noon. They managed to get themselves to the Great Hall just in time to catch the tail end of lunch before returning to the tower where they had to confront the ever-growing pile of homework that they hadn't the time nor energy to deal with since things had gone to shit. And with Transfiguration, Charms, and Potions on Mondays, they had a lot of catching up to do even just to make it through the next twenty four hours.
Knowing that they needed to properly focus and not wanting to get harassed, the boys headed back up to their dorm where James transfigured Harry's desk (the cleanest and least cluttered of those in the room) into a study table that they all pulled their chairs up to. Four hours later they took a break to head down to dinner where Harry spent the meal pondering if it was worth it to do the essay Slughorn had assigned as a makeup for their missed lesson. On the one hand, he really didn't care about Potions and his marks didn't matter at all, but on the other hand, he wasn't sure how many more detentions he could get this week without it risking more severe disciplinary intervention, nor was he sure how Slughorn would react to such audacity in the wake of all that had already occurred. Deciding that he wasn't eager to find out, Harry resigned himself to at least making a semi-passable attempt at the essay when they got back up to the dorm.
On Monday morning, the Great Hall was filled with whispers all through breakfast as the Hogwarts grapevine was hard at work spreading the news of Neith's expulsion as well as a hundred different versions of how and why it came about. Many of the younger years flitted about coming up with wild and outlandish theories. Only the 6th and 7th years seemed to really have grasped and understood the implications of such a thing. With the state of things in the wizarding world right then and the politics at play both at Hogwarts and beyond, for someone like Neith to have been expelled something bad must have happened. Like really bad. The Slytherin table was almost deathly quiet.
Throughout the meal, some of the less subtle prefects could be caught glancing towards the head table as if waiting for an explanation, but at no point did Dumbledore rise to give one of his trademark speeches. In fact, he politely ate his meal before excusing himself much earlier than usual that day, leaving those eagerly waiting to grumble without answers.
Classes that day felt like a desperate attempt at normalcy. McGonagall was her usual curt self during Transfiguration, but her eyes kept sweeping the room and lingering on her students, giving the class an underlying, almost nervous energy that did not match the monotony of the lecture.
Their free period was spent catching up on more homework. As the 6th year Griffindors sprawled out with their books in their abandoned classroom, Harry went over his Potions essay again with a slightly more discerning eye. The previous night he had just been throwing ink at the parchment praying it would reach the length requirement before he ran out of potions terms to work in. But now, he was doing his best to make the thing at least mildly coherent and vaguely on topic- with rather limited success.
Even within their small group, the air was tense. Everyone seemed to have holed up in their own spot to work independently with very few words exchanged only for critical questions. No one knew what to say. On Saturday, they had felt in their own little world as they blew off some much needed steam. But now reality had come crashing in along with the castle's oppressive atmosphere and it was hard to ignore. They fidgeted where they sat and chewed perfectly good quills into mangled messes as their minds fought to focus on only what was right in front of them.
Barlow flagged Harry down just as everyone was heading into the Great Hall for lunch. Harry stepped away from the others with a reassurance that he'd rejoin them in a minute. They all loitered at the edge of the hall as Harry made his way over to the professor.
"Hello, Professor," he greeted her with a slightly faked smile.
"Hi, Harry," she said with a small, understanding one of her own. "I just wanted to double check with you about the offer you made at the end of Friday's lesson?"
Harry had to wrack his brain for a second to recall what it was she was talking about. Yes, Friday had only been a few days ago, but it felt as though weeks had passed with all that had happened. But then it clicked- dementors.
"It still stands," he told her with a nod although a slight uneasiness settled in his stomach at the thought of actually going through with it. But there was a reason he had made the offer in the first place and nothing had changed in regard to that.
"I think you're right," she said a little distractedly, glancing around at the mass of students now flooding the Entrance Hall, all pushing their way into lunch. "They're better off knowing the truth and being as prepared as they can possibly be." Harry just nodded- that's why he'd made the offer, after all. "There's a good reason the hat put you in Gryffindor," Barlow said, looking back at Harry as a knowing grin spread across her face. "It's one thing to know how important this could be for them, but a whole other to have the bravery to follow through. I think we were damn lucky that you stumbled into our class and decided to stay."
"I guess some things are just meant to be," Harry snorted. "But don't you go getting all lofty on me," he warned. Wanting to change the subject, he asked, "Did you find a boggart then?"
Barlow's expression fell back into something more neutral. "As a matter of fact, I did. Pesky little bugger was lurking in the old lost and found chamber. I can only imagine what else I would've found scurrying around down there if I'd stuck around." Barlow shivered dramatically. "But I was thinking I'd set aside some time at the end of our next lesson if that's okay with you?" She asked, peering at Harry again with an edge of uncertainty.
"Sure," he agreed easily. "It's probably a good idea to do it at the end of the day and all too."
"Right."
"And with plenty of chocolate on hand."
"Definitely," she agreed. After a beat, Barlow said, "Well, I better let you go eat. Your friends don't look like they are going anywhere without you and I don't want to be responsible for your entire year starving to death."
Harry rolled his eyes and glanced over his shoulder at the others who were looking on very un-casually. "You can't starve by missing one meal," he pointed out. "I'm fairly certain that Sirius is not 'wasting away' despite what he may claim."
"Perhaps not," she conceded. "But you also can't grow and learn by skipping them," Barlow countered. "Now, off you go!" And with that, she shooed Harry away to rejoin the others and enter the Great Hall.
That afternoon, Charms passed much like Transfiguration had. On the surface, all seemed normal, but everyone could sense that something was off underneath the facade.
Potions class was downright weird. The Slytherins filed in like a military procession and took their seats. Not a word was spoken by any students all class. Slughorn collected their work and then lectured on cauldron materials- a topic they had covered back in OWL year. It was almost like he was reading from his notes for the wrong class, but no one was daring- or perhaps foolhardy- enough to question it. Instead, everyone sat with their heads bowed low over their parchments taking useless notes they all knew that they'd never look at again. But everyone played their part dutifully in the charade of the class.
When the lesson was over, Slughorn had all of the Slytherins stay back as he dismissed the Gryffindors.
Tuesday morning was spent in the greenhouses with Professor Kerner- surprisingly the only professor who didn't seem to be acting odd so far that week. It was for that reason and that reason alone that Harry reveled in the man's usual clipped tones and barked instructions and disapproving frowns as he surveyed their work. The muggy atmosphere of the greenhouse was like a breath of fresh air as for a few hours their sole focus was dedicated to the spiny, venomous plants they were tending to and trying not to get pricked.
After lunch, Lily, James, Sirius, Peter, and Harry headed off to Care of Magical Creatures together. Harry hadn't told them what he'd talked about with Barlow the previous day, despite their numerous attempts at asking him about it. Harry just kept shrugging them off, saying that it 'didn't matter' or that they'd 'find out later.
They all settled in their usual spots in the faux woodland classroom. That day Harry opted to sit on the mossy ground, using one of the stumps as a back rest rather than using the stump as a chair. It was more comfortable that way and it felt nice to run his fingers over the soft ground cover around him. It was rather soothing.
That day they discussed lethifolds. While the name rang a distant bell somewhere in Harry's brain, he could honestly say that he didn't know much about them- or could even properly describe what they were. Apparently, they are extremely rare and even harder to identify due to their mundane appearance and stark resemblance to an ordinary black cloak. They typically attack their prey in their sleep, smothering and fully consuming them, so there are very few confirmed sightings and encounters. The only known way to fight off a lethifold, interestingly enough, is using the Patronus charm. With that bit of information, Harry now understood why this was the chosen topic for the day.
As the lesson progressed, Harry found himself only half listening. It wasn't the lesson's fault- Barlow was just as astute and engaging as always- but his mind kept drifting to what he knew would be coming when her lecture drew to a close. Harry found it odd that he felt so uneasy about it since he really had meant what he told the professor- people needed to know and it would be nothing he hadn't faced dozens of times before. But as he mulled it over, it struck Harry just what was going to be different this time- he wasn't going to be able to fight back.
Every time he had faced the boggart dementor in the past he had at the very least been trying to conjure up a patronus. It had really only been those first few encounters in his 3rd year where Harry hadn't had any defense against a dementor. And there was a good reason he fought so hard to learn the Patronus charm. But for what he was about to do, the entire exercise would be negated if he just instantly repelled the creature. The whole point was to let his classmates really feel and understand the effects of a dementor, which meant that they needed to be properly exposed. Which meant that he would also have to be properly exposed. And with that realization, the vaguely nervous feeling solidified in Harry's stomach- but his resolve did not waver.
Harry did his best to pay attention to the rest of the lecture whilst also trying to make peace with his decisions, knowing that he wasn't going to back out.
As people ran out of questions about lethifolds, Barlow gave the room one last sweeping look to make sure that there were no more lingering hands in the air before giving a curt nod. "Right," she said, clearing the blackboard behind her that had been covered with illustrations and random notes. "We are going to have another special demonstration with our last bit of class here today." Many students exchanged nervous glances, worried that the professor had somehow managed to track down a lethifold. In the slight pause at the end of her sentence, Barlow met Harry's eyes for one last bit of confirmation- giving him one last chance to change his mind about the whole thing. Harry inclined his head ever so slightly, giving her the green light to proceed. "Now, due to the nature of this demonstration, it will be one hundred percent voluntary. As of right now, anyone may leave class at any time and still receive full marks for the day. The remainder of this lesson is completely optional."
Rather than scaring people off, this declaration had some students leaning forward slightly with interest. 'Optional' was not a word commonly used in NEWT level classes.
Barlow continued, "As a follow up from our previous class, one of your fellow students and I have determined a safe way to have a dementor practical." There were a series of gasps around the room. Many of those leaning forward in their seats recoiled at the notion. Holding her hand up to stave off any further outcries or protests, Barlow pushed on, "As I have stated- this practical is completely voluntary and no one will think less of those who may choose to leave. As we discussed in-depth last class, dementors are nasty creatures and you would be fortunate to never encounter one. However, like we talked about, it is truly impossible for one to understand what they are like without experiencing it first hand. I, for one, would rather see you all prepared should that day ever come out in the real world than cross my fingers and hope it never does. Now, this demonstration will merely consist of seeing and experiencing the presence of a dementor. Like we discussed, learning the Patronus charm is a very difficult task and one more suited to special study with Professor Flitwick. The purpose of this exercise is so that you can recognize when a dementor is near, know the signs, and not let their presence immediately overwhelm you."
A handful of students exchanged nervous glances. A small few- like Mulciber- even looked a bit excited. Harry kept his gaze steadfastly forward, ignoring his friends' attempts to catch his eye. He knew they had begun to put the pieces together the moment Barlow mentioned 'one of their fellow students'.
"Now, I will openly admit that this will be distressing and uncomfortable, but I can assure you that no physical injury will occur and the effects are only temporary."
"How could this possibly be safe?!" One Ravenclaw girl cried out.
Barlow turned to her with a tight smile. "Because, in fact, it will not be a real dementor at all, but rather a boggart taking the form of one. The resulting effect will actually be a mimic of that of a real dementor, but it will not be quite as intense and the creature itself will not possess any of the other dementor abilities- such as soul sucking," Barlow stated matter-of-factly.
The Ravenclaw frowned, seeming not to know if she ought to be relieved or still extremely worried.
"Your boggart is a dementor?" Peter blurted out, curiosity momentarily overtaking his fear.
"No," Barlow said, turning to face him now. "If you recall, I mentioned that another student will be assisting in the demonstration. They bravely volunteered to do this for everyone's education and benefit."
Whispers swept around the room as people wondered who it was. A 7th year maybe? Harry could feel his friends' eyes boring into him though he still refused to look at any of them.
After a moment passed with no more interjections, Barlow made her way over to the small desk she sometimes used off the the side of the room and stooped down, dragging out from behind it a large tote bag. It was made of thick, dark green material with wooden handles and a hideous floral pattern woven into the fabric. It looked like the sort of thing someone's nan might carry around filled with her knitting.
As Barlow scooted the heavy bag in front of the blackboard, she explained, "The boggart is hiding in here, so now is your last chance to excuse yourself before demonstration." Nobody moved to leave. After a full minute's wait, Barlow said, "Very well." She locked eyes with Harry once again and gave him a nod.
Harry took a deep breath before pushing himself to his feet. All eyes suddenly snapped towards him as they realized Harry was the one who would be 'assisting' with the demo. As he walked past, Lily's hand darted out and gave his a fleeting squeeze. It was quick, but it sent a tendril of warmth through him that seemed to ease the sinking feeling that had settled in his gut.
As Harry made his way to the front of the class, he tucked his wand into his pocket as an extra precaution. The entire point of this exercise was for people to experience a dementor- or at least some watered down version- he reminded himself. It would negate the entire thing if he repelled it. But as Harry drew closer to the floral bag and the dread began creeping up his spine again in anticipation of what was about to happen, he realized that his hands likely could not be trusted to ask his brain before automatically trying to protect himself. Survival instincts are what kept him around this long, but he specifically didn't need them right then. He clenched his hands into fists when his fingers involuntarily twitched towards his pocket. It's just a boggart, he reminded himself. Third years face them- there's no use getting worked up over one.
Harry took up his position where Barlow indicated and turned to face the silly bag. The rest of the class was now gathered across from him on the other side of where the boggart would appear, simultaneously edging closer and leaning back. After getting one last nod of confirmation from Harry, Barlow raised her wand and sent the bag toppling over where it landed on its side, open towards Harry.
The entire room seemed to hold its collective breath for a second before wispy tendrils of darkness appeared, seeming to claw their way out of the upturned tote. Someone gasped, making everyone jump, but just as people made to turn and glare, a bone-deep chill suddenly swept through the room and in the dreadful silence that fell in its wake, a long, rattling, and hauntingly inhuman breath echoed around them.
Pure darkness spilled out of the bag, rising into the air, seeming to grow larger as it drew another grating breath. A few of the watching students feared that the thing may never stop- that it might just keep expanding, like a black hole, consuming everything that dared to get too close. But after just a few more seconds, the void stopped growing, having reached its full height- really just slightly taller than the average wizard- and it finally took the proper shape of a dementor.
The smell of decay hung in the air. The only sounds in the room were the dementor's breaths and the chattering of teeth. Even the harshest Scottish winters paled in comparison to the temperature in the classroom.
Someone let out a broken sob. A girl at the back of the group turned and fled the classroom altogether. A Hufflepuff boy slid down to the floor as if he'd been hit with a Jelly-Legs jinx. A few people looked like they might be sick.
Harry didn't notice any of their reactions. He was entirely focused on fighting off the paralyzing fog that was pulling at the corners of his mind and creeping into the edges of his vision. He fixated on the thing's tattered, wispy tail as it seemed to eerily sway in a non-existent breeze, but that all-too-familiar terrible, piercing cold was trying to crush his chest, clog his throat, and consume him. Despite his valiant effort, Harry knew this was a losing battle. Not only could he no longer feel his limbs, but he'd forgotten he even had them in the first place. Soon the only things that existed were the cold, the dread, and the distant echoes of a woman screaming.
"Not Harry! Not Harry! Please, not Harry!"
The vice around his chest tightened.
"Stand aside you silly girl…"
He couldn't see. Or maybe it was just that nothing existed to see.
"Run!"
"Not Harry! Please, no! Take me- kill me instead!"
As cruel laughter filled his brain like static, Harry felt something that pulled him back into his body for the briefest of moments. It was as if some had leaned in to whisper in his ear and their warm breath had tickled his neck, but not in an unpleasant way. His fingers tingled.
"Remember… We love you… Always." The words were rushed, but soft and gentle despite their shaky tone.
A burst of light replaced his whited-out vision as that trickle of warmth swept down to settle his chest, chasing out the chill. But then, just as suddenly as it came, it left. And like a wave that had briefly retreated from the shore, the crushing cold crashed back in, drowning out everything else.
The light died.
"Have mercy!"
There was a set of hurried footsteps and then the cold seemed to retreat, releasing its hold on the room and all of its occupants.
"Riddikulus." The incantation wavered in the air as if it had been forced out with some difficulty.
There were more footsteps and whispers broke out. Someone was crying.
"Harry…" A warm hand on his shoulder brought Harry back to full awareness and he suddenly found himself blinking up into the very concerned face of Professor Barlow. Her brow was so furrowed that Harry worried it might leave a mark. "Circe- Are you okay?" She asked, not taking her hand off of his shoulder.
It took a few more seconds for the fog to fully clear and it was then that Harry realized that he was laying on the ground.
"Yeah," he said a bit more shakily than he had intended. Pushing himself up, Harry wiped the cold sweat off of his face with the sleeve of his robe. "Sorry," he added. "I probably should've warned you about the whole 'fainting' thing before we did this," he said a little sheepishly.
"You knew that would happen?!" Barlow said incredulously.
"Usually does- without a patronus," Harry shrugged as he got to his feet as steadily as he could manage. "I didn't actually lose consciousness- things just, went a little gray. It was just a boggart," he added, in an attempt to reassure his professor. "No real damage done. Definitely nothing a little chocolate won't fix." He gave her a slightly strained smile. "Looks like you might need to distribute some to the rest of the class, actually," he said with a nod towards the others, who were all looking a bit pale and shell shocked.
Barlow glanced behind her and then back at Harry. After giving him one last searching look, she nodded and left to go assist the rest of the class. A small group had formed around whoever was still crying, but they seemed at a loss for what to do. As Barlow moved away to help, Harry let out a stuttering breath that he'd been holding in. Looking down, he unclenched his hands that he had been holding in tight fists hidden beneath his long robe sleeves. They shook in a way that betrayed just how rattled he felt.
"Harry…" Harry looked up at the sound of the soft, familiar voice, but as he met Lily's concerned, teary eyes, he closed his own tightly and had to turn away. It was like an icepick to the chest.
"Harry?" James asked, reaching a hand out to rest on his shoulder. Harry shrank away as if scolded by his touch.
Run! Echoed in his head. The pain, the panic, the desperation, the resignation- it all rolled through Harry and for a moment he thought he might be sick. He wondered if it might make him feel better- to just expel it all.
Harry felt James take another step towards him and his tenuous resolve broke. He managed to get out a hoarse, mumbled, "I'm sorry," before bolting out of the room.
He just couldn't stand it. Them. Living. Dying. In that moment, it was all too fresh, too raw, too painful. Harry shivered as he hurried down the corridor. Away. He needed to just get away. Without conscious thought, his feet carried him up to the seventh floor- to one of the few safe havens that steadfastly remained even in this version of Hogwarts. But as his sluggish brain processed that his legs had stopped moving and took in the familiar tapestry he found himself in front of, the sound of other students shuffling about also met his ears.
Classes must be over for the day, Harry thought as he stood, staring blankly at the wall.
As foreign voices loomed closer, Harry heard a shout and laughter and the slap of shoes on stone. His heartrate quickened as the cold and panic seeped back in, blotting everything else out once again.
He was moving- fleeing. Trying to outrun the permeating cold. The students' voices were like a mocking echo of his mum's pleas and their innocent laughter turned shrill and sour as it met Harry's ears.
Have mercy!
But he knew that such a thing didn't exist. Not for them. Not for him. His chest ached with a hurt that had nothing to do with exertion as he ran.
Cold wind hit his face as Harry found himself stumbling down stairs and out into the grounds. The sensation drew his focus and for a second his only thought was of dementors. But reality quickly filtered through his addled thoughts. However, once he realized where he was, rather than turning back, Harry pushed on. They were still on the edge of winter, so rarely did students choose to spend their evenings out in the frigid grounds. That was exactly what Harry wanted right then- to be as far away from everybody as possible. To be as far away from them as possible.
It hadn't snowed since the weekend, so the grounds were now covered in half-melted slush that squelched under Harry's trainers, dampening his socks- not that he noticed. When he crossed the treeline, entering the Forbidden Forest, everything suddenly felt slightly muted. Harry found it a little easier to breathe as the trees provided shelter and shadows. The kind of shadows that envelope you and hide you from the monsters lurking just beyond them.
As Harry slowed down, he gave another shiver. He was not dressed properly to be out too long in this weather. And despite what everyone seemed to think, he was not an idiot and had a rather strong sense of self preservation- he knew better than to wander deep into the forest alone as darkness began to fall around him. But still, he wasn't ready to go back. The thought alone of facing them made him almost dizzy with dread. It was like the dementor's fog was back and this time Harry was considering just letting it take him so that he could spend some time in that place where he didn't have to worry or feel.
The white void had rarely felt so tempting- but Harry knew that that was a dangerous thought. Deep down, despite the comforting facade, he knew that the void was a bad place. It was a place he only visited when he was properly unconscious. There were no dreams in the void, no thoughts. Not even Voldemort could reach him there. But it was also a place where he knew he was never guaranteed a return ticket any time he went. And that was not something he should want. It was not something that he wanted to want.
But Merlin- staying here hurt. Harry sank to the ground at the base of a tree, his nails digging into his arms in an attempt to distract himself. It was a desperate attempt in the hopes that the flare of physical pain might mask the rest of it. That the slight burning sensation might drive away the looming cold.
He wished he was angry. It was so much easier to be angry than sad. After Sirius died, the anger filled him up- it consumed everything, good and bad. But this, this sadness- it left him feeling empty and hollow. Like that fake dementor really had taken a part of his soul. It was like technically he could function- he was still breathing and his arms and legs still worked- but he was missing something vital to truly live.
Harry felt pathetic. How could one boggart send him into such a spiral? How did Sirius survive twelve whole years in Azkaban? The thought was horrifying and only sent Harry further over the edge. He remembered getting Sirius- his first real chance at family- only to lose him and now it was going to happen again. One of the only forms of physical comfort he ever longed for was Padfoot snuggling up to him- not Harry had ever admitted it. But the thought of it now had his heart wrenched in two as one half yearned for the warmth of the shaggy dog while the other fled, knowing receiving what he wanted would just make it that much harder to not have it in the future.
But somewhere in the whirlwind of thoughts, something caught and niggled at the corner of Harry's mind. Something about Sirius and Azkaban… No- it was Padfoot and dementors! Sirius had once mentioned how he was less affected by them in his animagus form!
No sooner had the thought fully formed in Harry's mind before he found himself shifting. Bambi's fur did a much better job at blocking out the chilled forest air and Harry chastised himself for not thinking of this sooner, even if just for that practicality alone. It was not as if he instantly felt better- the ache did not suddenly go away as if the crushing weight of grief on his chest had vanished. But rather, it was as if it was now being fed through a strainer and some of the larger, sharper bits were being filtered out. Even that small easement felt like a relief.
Harry had to assume this was part of how Bambi's brain was just a little different that his human one. Like how he was still capable of telling time when he was Bambi, but he had to really look at the clock and concentrate on reading it whereas in his human form he could decipher the time with half of a lazy glance towards the hands. All of the emotions were still there, but the associated memories weren't as sharp or painful without putting in the effort to bring them into proper focus. And that was effort Harry was more than happy to not expend.
He must have fallen asleep or something because the next thing Harry was truly aware of was a general warm feeling with the glaring exception of something cold pressed against his neck. With a jerk, he sat up, reeling back and away from the unpleasant sensation.
A soft, apologetic whine came from above him and Harry turned, blinking to find Padfoot sitting beside him, looking down with big, brown eyes full of concern. The dog shuffled back, giving Harry some space. Looking around and then back at Padfoot, Harry spotted Wormtail lurking a few meters away as well.
Sirius shifted and then crouched down again, still leaving a large space between them. "Listen-" he said in a soft, low, almost whispering voice, "You don't have to talk to us or anything. You can stay Bambi for as long as you want and we promise to leave you well alone until you say otherwise. But you have to come home." When Harry made no immediate move in response, Sirius went on, "It's getting late. Dinner is basically over and people are starting to worry. And like I said- if you want to be alone, that's totally fine. You can have the dorm and we'll just stay in the common room- no big deal. But please, just- come home."
Harry was struck by how visibly nervous Sirius seemed to be. The usually carefree boy wrung his hands as if he didn't quite know what to do with them and bit his lip as he waited for a response. Even his voice had a slight tremor in it as he stated his case and made his plea.
Finally, Harry nodded.
Sirius sighed in relief. While yes, there had been a backup plan for if Harry had refused to come along, it had been deemed an absolute last resort as it would likely have significantly damaged what bits of progress they had all made in their relationship with Harry to drag him back against his will.
"We can smuggle you in if you don't want to change back right now," Sirius added, exchanging a brief glance with Wormtail.
With a grunting sigh of his own, Harry shook his head. Getting to his feet, Harry shifted back.
Clearing his throat and quickly scrubbing his face to make sure that nothing was amiss, in a slightly scratchy voice that Harry hoped would be attributed to disuse he said, "Don't worry about it. It's fine. I'm sorry- I hadn't meant to be gone that long. I guess I accidentally fell asleep. Sorry." He rubbed self consciously at the back of his neck, avoiding looking at Sirius.
"We're just glad you're okay," was all Sirius said in response. Wormtail scampered up and perched on his shoulder. As they started walking back towards the edge of the forest, Sirius rummaged around in his pockets for a moment before pulling out a small, painfully familiar mirror. "Prongs!" He stage-whispered while looking down at the mirror before whistling and calling out again, in a slightly louder, more sing-song voice, "Prongsy!"
"Sirius?!" Harry heard James' faint voice call out.
"We've got him. All is well- pass it on. We'll meet you upstairs," Sirius said in a low voice that Harry knew was an attempt at being subtle.
There was no further response. Or at least, not an audible one.
They were about halfway back to the castle when Sirius suddenly broke their silence. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Harry bit back his knee jerk reaction and, after a deep breath, went with a more measured, "Not really."
"Okay," Sirius said simply. A few steps later he added, "Just know that if you change your mind about that, we're here, you know?" It came about a bit awkwardly, but seemed earnest all the same. Even Wormtail appeared to nod his head in agreement, his whiskers catching the moonlight with the action.
They lapsed back into a silence that lasted most of the rest of their journey. At Sirius' instruction, they pulled off into an alcove with a suit of armor near the Fat Lady and had Peter change back. With the two taller boys flanking Harry, they made their way quickly across the common room and up the stairs to the boys' dormitory. Lily and the other girls had been anxiously waiting for their return, but their advances were halted by one serious look from Sirius and they backed off to let the boys pass without interruption.
Sirius and Peter immediately backed off once they had made it to the dorm, giving Harry his space once again.
"Do you want us to leave?" Sirius asked gently.
Harry, who had been making his way over to his bed, changed his mind and went to lean against his desk instead. He let out a long sigh, rubbing his forehead. "No," he got out eventually. "And you can let the others know that the coast is clear too," he added with a slightly joking tone.
Peter slipped out of the room to tell Remus and James that they could head up whenever.
"Eat that," Sirius instructed, tossing a chocolate bar at Harry. He reached out and caught it, looking down at the thing with a frown. "We promised Barlow we'd shove it down your throat if we had to," Sirius warned. "She just about had a fit when she realized you'd left." The last part was added more softly.
Harry didn't have anything to say to that, so he remained silent, staring down at the chocolate. The silence hung heavy in the air as Sirius watched Harry and Harry looked anywhere other than at Sirius. Soon, the door pushed open as Peter, Remus, and finally James came in.
"Hey," James whispered in greeting, making fleeting eye contact before clearing his throat and looking away. Remus just offered Harry a sad smile.
They all stood around awkwardly, no one really knowing what to do or say.
Eventually, Harry decided to just bite the bullet. Looking up, he said, "I'm sorry guys." Everyone looked at him with a bit of surprise. "It's just- there's a reason I bloody hate dementors. And there's a reason I worked so hard to master my patronus. It's just- bad," Harry stammered.
"Harry, you don't have to-" Remus began, but Harry cut him off.
"I just didn't think it all the way through," he said self-deprecatingly. "It's been a long time since I've faced one without my patronus and it just- caught me off guard. I got overwhelmed and I needed to be alone. And I'm sorry I'm pants at articulating that kind of stuff."
"It's okay," Sirius said in that un-Sirius-like voice he'd adopted so often that evening. "We kind of figured it out what with the Bambi-shaped hole you basically left in the door in your hasty retreat," he added with a laugh. Sobering up slightly, Sirius went on, "You could've warned us though, you know? I'm guessing that's what you were talking to Barlow about? I'm kind of impressed that you managed to plan all of that in just a couple of two minute conversations." Sirius ran a hand through his hair in a nervous habit.
"Like I said- I hadn't really thought it all the way through. Even I didn't realize until it was too late. And everything worked out fine in the end- no harm done," Harry shrugged a little defensively.
"But that's exactly what having friends is for! To run your dumbass, ill-conceived plans by them and work out whether they're worth it or not!" Sirius said, exasperated. "Not to mention that there was most definitely harm done- most notably, to you!"
Harry had to look away. He'd said he was good, but he wasn't quite good enough to be yelled at by Sirius and for it not to hurt ten times more than it should in that moment. Harry heard a harsh, whispered conversation taking place as he worked to pull himself together. There was the soft thud of someone getting smacked- likely Sirius if the hissed "Arse," from James punctuating it was any indication.
"Sorry," Sirius muttered, directed at Harry this time. "I just- You scared us. Again. It was the worst thing I'd ever felt in my life and then there was that flash and you dropped like a sack of gobstones with that thing looming over you. Barlow couldn't even get out her patronus. She ended up just throwing herself in between you and the boggart and dispensing with it the old fashion way," Sirius explained a little shakily.
Harry finally looked up with an apologetic expression.
"You nearly cast a wandless one, you know?" Peter chipped in.
"What?" Harry asked, turning to properly face the other boy as he so rarely did.
"Yeah. Or, at least, that's what it looked like. That flash of blue- it looked just like when you cast that fake Prongs. And when it happened, the dementor seemed to hesitate and back off for like a second- before you collapsed."
"Oh, man- you're so right! I couldn't quite place it before and, well, I was a little preoccupied at the time, but you're totally right! That's exactly what it looked like," Sirius excitedly agreed, somehow forgetting his concern from just a moment earlier. His brow furrowed as he turned back towards Harry and then he raised one eyebrow. "That's kind of amazing, you know. Even if it wasn't corporeal or didn't last long or whatever. How'd you do it?"
"I don't know. I didn't even realize I had done it," Harry said with a shrug. "I was also 'a little preoccupied at the time,' you know?" But thinking back, he did recall that brief, odd, warm feeling and the accompanying light. In the moment, Harry had assumed that it was just a new part of his memory surfacing, but perhaps it had been more than that if what the others were saying was true. Was that even possible?
"You really should eat that," Remus said after another lull in the conversation, motioning towards the still unopened chocolate bar in Harry's hand that he'd been unconsciously fiddling with while deep in thought.
A genuine smile pulled at Harry's lips as he looked across the room at Remus who was now sat backwards in his desk chair, his head propped up by his arm resting on the back of it. He was gesturing with his free hand in a 'go on' sort of motion.
"You promise it's not poisoned?" Harry asked jokingly, peeling back the wrapper and breaking a chunk off. He sniffed it skeptically.
"Hand to Merlin," Sirius said gravely, raising his left hand above his head while resting the right one above his heart.
Harry accepted this and took a bite. Immediately, a peasant warmth swept through him, chasing away a lingering chill that Harry hadn't even been aware of. He relaxed a little as he took another bite. "Sod potions- chocolate really is the best medicine," Harry said firmly, eliciting a chuckle from Remus.
About halfway through the bar, Harry had relaxed enough to realize that he was still in his sodden shoes, trousers, and robe. Setting his snack aside, he began to shed the cold, wet items, which gave him another layer of relief he hadn't realized he needed.
"I'm gonna take a quick shower if no one needs the loo," Harry said, glancing around to make sure there were no objections.
As Harry slipped into the bathroom for a much needed hot shower, the others debated what they should do. It was eventually settled on to just call it an early night- everyone was emotionally wrung out and exhausted. Anything else, well, they would just deal with it tomorrow. However, there was still a bit of lingering paranoia that somehow Harry might fail to make his way properly to bed.
"We can't all stay up and watch him go to bed- that'd be super weird," Sirius told them with a frown.
"I'll Bambi-sit," Remus volunteered, a bit to the others' surprise.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I don't mind. Besides, it's less weird for me to stay up and work on an essay or something while you lot knock off early," Remus shrugged. When Sirius hesitated to readily agree, he added, "I promise to ensure that he doesn't drown in the shower or wander off alone into the forest- again. Honestly, you'd think I wasn't the responsible one of the group with this lack of trust," he huffed.
Sirius' expression turned placating. "You know that's not it Moony- There's just something about that kid that gets me all out of sorts."
Remus quirked a suggestive eyebrow at that statement. "Oh, really?"
"Gross! Not like that!"
"Have we found the one thing that doesn't get Paddy's engine going?" James asked with a sly smile, poking Sirius in the side and making him jump and let out a squeak.
"He's just- Bambi. Who would want to defile an innocent little forest pony?"
"How many times does he have to tell you he's not innocent before you start to believe him?" Remsu asked in a more serious tone. "Hell- you've seen it with your own eyes! Now, I'm not saying that you have to want to fuck him or anything, but I do think you should make an effort to see him for who he is. Care about him because he's a good person who deserves our support, not because you see him as some lost kiddy who needs protecting," Remus said, crossing his arms.
"Hey! That's not-" Sirius began to argue, but Remus just raised a hand to silence his protests.
"It's just something to think about," Remus told him, relaxing his posture. "He lets you in more than the rest of us," Sirius frowned at that, as if it were an accusation, "and that's not a bad thing," Remus quickly added. "But you do have a tendency to dive a little too deep into things sometimes. It's one thing to comfort him and say what needs to be said, but it's another thing to turn into his mother. It's great that you care so much, but do realize that you're not the only one who cares- who worries- and who wants to help. Give someone else a chance once in a while and give the kid a little room to breathe."
"I thought he wasn't a kid?" Sirius shot back petulantly.
"We're all still kids, technically. Except for you- Grandad!" Remus teased. "At least for the next two days and," he checked his watch, "three and a half hours," he said cheekily. "Hope you enjoy the last dregs of your birthweek because when we wake up- Moony's in charge!"
The others let out a collective exaggerated groan and then began getting ready for bed.
A little while later, Harry emerged from the bathroom in a cloud of steam. He made his way quietly over to his truck where he pulled out something warm to sleep in and quickly got changed. He noted the hangings were closed around three of the beds, but Remus was still up, bent over at his desk.
As Harry climbed into his bed, he whispered across the room, "Good night, Remus."
Remus straightened up, turning around in his chair and smirked. "Not so fast- I think you forgot something," he said, pointing at the half-eaten chocolate bar that had been abandoned on Harry's desk.
Harry looked at him, confused for a second before he realized what Remus was indicating. Rolling his eyes, Harry scooted back to the edge of the bed and snatched the bar off of his desk.
"Merlin- you guys weren't joking about shoving it down my throat if I didn't comply," Harry groused as he took another bite.
"Like you said- there's worse medicine to have to take. They all ate theirs with minimal complaint," Remus said, nodding towards the drawn curtains around the room.
Harry made a face, but continued to dutifully eat his chocolate. When he finished, Harry asked sarcastically, "May I go to bed now?"
"Sweet dreams!" Remus said with a beaming grin and turned away, laughing to himself at his own stupid pun.
Harry rolled his eyes and laid down. To be honest, the chocolate was probably a good idea. He was really dreading going to sleep. Harry lay awake, focusing on the way Remus' desk lamp filtered through his bed hangings until the other boy eventually went to bed himself. In the quiet stillness of the darkened dormitory, Harry's mind was left to drift and wander to less pleasant things.
Even with his eyes fully open, he felt like he could still hear the echoes of what he couldn't outrun that evening. The dementor and that dreaded memory played over and over in Harry's mind like he was trapped in some sick kind of funhouse made out of his worst nightmare. His dad told him to run, but the hallways didn't lead anywhere. His mum begged and pleaded, but Harry couldn't find a way out. The whole time cruel laughter bounced off of the walls and reverberated in Harry's skull making him lose track of where he was going and which way he had come.
Harry paused in his running, forced to stop by his painful need for oxygen. He leaned up against a distorted mirror, but the face that looked back at him had red eyes and slit pupils. He reeled back, stumbling, and his shoulder connected painfully with the floor.
Harry awoke with a gasp. Opening his eyes, he was confused to find himself on the floor. It took his brain a moment to process where he was and what had happened. Just as he made to sit up, a familiar light flared to life across the room on Remus' desk.
"You okay?" Remus asked in a hushed voice as he hurried over to Harry.
"Yeah," Harry said as he pushed himself up with a stifled groan. Rubbing his shoulder absentmindedly, he sheepishly added, "Sorry to wake you."
"You're actually not the first," Remus said with a sad smile and a glance behind him at the other beds.
"Dementors?" Harry asked.
Remus nodded. "You?" Harry just nodded as well. "Well, at least you get style points for adding the somersault- though I don't think you quite managed to stick the landing," Remus teased.
"Fair enough," Harry agreed.
The pair sat there next to each other on the floor for a minute before Remus asked, "Are you gonna try and go back to sleep? It's barely 1 AM."
"I haven't decided yet," Harry answered honestly.
"Well, would you prefer I stay or butt out?"
"You can go back to sleep- I don't want to keep you up."
"That's not what I asked."
Harry let out a dry chuckle. "Too keen for your own good. You should've taken the out. My insomnia doesn't need to be our insomnia."
"You really think Moony can't hack it with the creatures of the night? I'm offended," Remus said with mock indignation.
"Now, I never said that," Harry defended himself and the two fell into a comfortable silence.
"You know, the others told me about what it was like, in class. Their descriptions alone were enough to give me nightmares. I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't the only person whose boggart was a dementor after today. So I can only imagine what you meant by 'bad' earlier. But I'd wager 'bad' may have been a bit of an understatement."
After a moment's hesitation, Harry spoke. "It's just- bad memories. Or, I guess, one specific very bad memory. And every time I relive it it gets clearer and sharper and longer. And then my stupid brain just takes that and runs with it. It was just a nightmare. A twisted version of an already twisted thought. But my brain just refuses to turn off when I go to sleep. It's like it doesn't understand the concept of rest."
"Sounds like you've got a lot to process so your brain's pulling some overtime."
"Yeah, well, I think it'd work a lot better if it took some damn time off," Harry huffed, tapping himself in the forehead for emphasis.
"What about your patronus?" Remus asked suddenly.
"What about it?" Harry asked with a note of confusion.
"Well, that's how you repel a dementor, right? With positive emotions or good memories or something, right? So, why shouldn't the same thing work now? If this bad memory is what the dementors bring up, then we should be able to send it away with however you conjure your patronus."
Harry mulled that over for a bit. It actually wasn't a crazy theory. He furrowed his brow and felt a little ridiculous as he tried to 'think happy thoughts'.
"If it's easier, you can just cast it, you know?" Remus advised.
Harry reached up and grabbed his wand before whispering, "Expecto patronum," and it was as if muscle memory kicked in. The ghostly Prongs burst into life, casting a cool glow around the room whilst radiating a gentle heat. He looked around, as if searching for any possible threats, before settling on the floor in front of Harry and Remus. Harry reached out a hand and stroked his warm neck affectionately.
As he looked at the shimmering Prongs, Harry's eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill over with one wrong move.
Letting his hand fall, Harry sniffed, "Why does happy shit have to be sad too? Why can't things ever just be cut and dry and simple? Where bad stays bad and good stays good?"
Remus wasn't quite sure he was following this new line of conversation, but he definitely wasn't about to interject for clarification.
"It's all just so messy."
When Harry didn't speak again, Remus ventured, "Well, at least that means that even when the worst of it comes, there will still be some good along with it."
"I guess," Harry sighed. "Never knew you were so 'glass half full'," he said with a sideways glance at Remus, who just shrugged.
"A teenage werewolf has got to have something to look forward to. Besides, there's plenty of bad out in the world already, we might as well use our energy to focus on the good." Remus leaned over and bumped Harry's shoulder with his own.
"I guess you're right. It's just sometimes easier said than done, you know?" Harry reached out to pet Prongs again.
"At least you've got one hell of a nightlight until you manage to sort through the mess," Remus smiled.
"True," Harry said with a fond grin of his own.
"Why don't you keep him on? He's like a nice little space heater and it might make it easier to fall asleep," Remus suggested.
"Because I'm not a toddler," Harry retorted.
"No, you're not. But what difference does it make?"
"I shouldn't need a nightlight or my emotional support deer to fall asleep."
"So you'd rather just not sleep?" Remus asked skeptically. "Who exactly does that help and who exactly does this hurt? But hey- it was just a suggestion," he said, putting his hands up.
Harry sighed. "Sorry. I just think it would be a little too weird. But I do appreciate that you are trying to help. And this," Harry gestured at his patronus still laying in front of them, "really was a good idea." Remus gave him a small smile. "Sorry you ended up on nightmare duty."
"What's a little lost sleep among friends? Besides, I have years worth of full moons to make up for, so I'm pretty sure I'm still the one in debt on that front," Remus said with a shake of his head.
"Well, thanks anyway." They sat in silence for a little longer, content in each other's presence, relaxing in the patronus' aura, until Harry said, "I think I will try and go back to sleep."
Remus stretched and nodded, getting ready to do the same.
Harry leaned forward and rested his head against the ghostly Prong's and whispered, "Thanks bud," before letting him slowly dissipate into the night. Getting to his feet, Harry stretched as well, feeling a dull ache in his sore shoulder from where he fell earlier. Rubbing it out, he knew by morning there'd be little more than a bruise left to show for it. "'Night Remus," Harry quietly called across the room as he climbed back into bed, burrowing under the covers.
"Goodnight," Remus said softly back as he extinguished the lamp on his desk, plunging the room back into proper darkness.
Rustling could be heard as Remus settled in again, but he seemed to drop back off to sleep soon enough, leaving Harry once again alone in the dark with nothing but his thoughts. In an effort to keep his memories at bay, Harry chose instead to focus on what Remus had said. He mulled it over, contemplating his proposed patronus theory. Was that feeling of contentedness and protection something he could access without having to fully cast the charm? It seemed logical enough, since it was a charm powered by his own existing thoughts, emotions, and memories. Prongs was just that stuff made physical, right? But how could he internalize something he'd worked so hard to externalize in the first place? It was a thought experiment that kind of made his head hurt.
Plus, now, in his current place, so many of his 'happy' memories felt tainted. Those from his own time made him feel sad and guilty and the new ones he'd made this year were equally tinged with grief. It felt like his heart had spent the evening bouncing between his stomach and his throat. Gah! Why does everything have to be so messy? Harry lamented. That was the best way Harry could come up with to describe it- his insides felt messy. And he'd been taught from a very young age that messy was bad. It was unacceptable. It was to be avoided- or at the very least immediately corrected. One should never let others see any mess. Perfect gardens, tidy houses, immaculate kitchens with perfectly plated meals. A perfect family that he was not a part of. His hair was too messy, his clothes were too messy- he always made a mess when tending the garden or doing the cooking and he was always scolded for it and made to clean it up. But this- this feeling- was something he couldn't just tidy up.
But maybe Remus was right and messy isn't the worst thing ever. Harry was also taught that magic was terrible and that turned out not to be true. And the Weasleys thrive in their messy home and chaotic lives- way more than the Dursleys ever did. Because, you know what? The real world is messy. Harry almost let out a laugh when he came to the realization that the Dursleys were the ones living in a suburbia delusional fantasy whereas the nutty wizarding family were actually the ones grounded in reality. Funny how it all comes down to perspective.
There was no black and white in the real world- but life was better in color, right? Getting the bad with the good also meant getting the good with the bad, and that was a good thing, right? So even in his memories that now play in shades of gray, there should still be parts bright enough to summon his patronus. That had to be true- Harry had conjured one just a little while ago, even while his insides still felt all messy. And hell- apparently he'd almost managed it while facing that boggart dementor, when it felt like he was drowning in the fog and the laughter and the screams.
It was almost comforting to realize that even in the throws of his worst memory, there was something strong enough- good enough- to power a patronus. Steeling himself, Harry thought back, searching out that brief flash of light- that breath of warmth in the freezing darkness. And then it came to him and he heard it. It was Lily's soft voice, cutting in and out like a badly tuned radio, whispering, Remember… We love you… Always…
Always…