Epilogue: The Heroic Disaster Gays

Yoichi and Kaiji lay on the couch, with Yoichi's head resting on Kaiji's shoulder. Kaiji stroked Yoichi's hair. Smiling, Yoichi snuggled closer. His lover's body heat felt nice and comfy. A superhero theme song played on the television. Yoichi had never been able to get Sanzou interested in superhero shows or shounen anime despite his best efforts. In fact, Sanzou now avoided Yoichi whenever such shows played on the television. Therefore, now was the perfect time for the two of them to make secret plans for Sanzou's birthday.

Kaiji leaned over and whispered, "The knifesmith finished the custom cooking knives yesterday. She sent me pictures—they look great."

"Good," Yoichi murmured. With that, the last of Sanzou's birthday presents would arrive in time. He nibbled on his lower lip.

Pots clanged and the oven beeped, announcing that Sanzou had started making dinner in the kitchen. Yoichi said, "We've gotta make an amazing meal for Sanzou in exchange for all the great meals he cooks for us."

Sanzou did most of the cooking for the trio, though Yoichi and Kaiji each claimed one day a week and did the dishes on other days. Yoichi felt painfully aware that his meals were never nearly as good as Sanzou's. He hadn't cooked much growing up—his brother had taken care of everything until the family business had grown large enough to afford a chef. Motivated by insecurity, Yoichi said, "We should make something special and extremely difficult. Like the legendary Fugu Puffer Fish where if the chef prepares it wrong, you're poisoned to death."

Kaiji snorted. "With my clumsy-ass hands? Are we trying to kill Sanzou? I doubt that thrill-seeking rich people food even tastes very good."

"I didn't say we had to make that particular one. I think chefs have to get licensed to serve it. But something equally hard." Yoichi googled most difficult Japanese dishes on his phone. "Hmm, what about tonkatsu ramen? Sanzou loves ramen. If we make it the old-fashioned way, without a pressure cooker, then the broth takes three to four days to prepare."

Kaiji groaned. "You're determined to make it pointlessly difficult by refusing to use modern technology?"

Yoichi slouched lower and muttered, "I just want to make it a special day for Sanzou. He's always looking after us."

"True," Kaiji acknowledged. He kissed the top of Yoichi's head. "Let's do this the hard way like goddamn heroes."

The pork bones soaking in water took up too much space in the fridge to hide. Kaiji covered them in an opaque black bag and made Sanzou promise not to look. Yoichi hoped that Sanzou hadn't guessed what they were planning. Either way, he'd never show it on his face.

The day before, they chased Sanzou out of the kitchen to simmer the soup base for eight hours, then refrigerated it overnight. On Sanzou's birthday, with the presents laid out wrapped on the coffee table and Sanzou shooed off to read a book, they got to work. Kaiji kneaded the dough to create handmade noodles. Meanwhile, Yoichi carefully cooked his pork belly to tenderness in water, soy, sugar, mirin, garlic, ginger and rice wine vinegar. Their old-fashioned gas stove had a crackling blue flame under the burner. Using a kitchen towel, Yoichi mopped a bit of sweat off his forehead and stared harder as if that would make his cooking finish faster. Throwing the towel over his shoulder, he dipped in a cooking spoon and blew on the broth, then took a sip. Ahhh, how sweet. It roused his appetite and made his stomach rumble.

"The noodles are done cooking. I just finished draining them." Kaiji came up behind Yoichi and wrapped his arms around his waist. Sniffing the air, Kaiji said, "The pork smells delicious."

"I know," Yoichi said proudly. He'd followed the directions to the letter, double-checking the measurements for each ingredient. "Sanzou is going to so surprised. I've been asking him for fish-pickling tips all week to throw him off the scent of our real plan."

Kaiji nuzzled Yoichi's cheek. "It's hot when you come up with evil schemes."

Yoichi giggled and turned around. "You've got a bit of flour on your nose." He stood on his tip-toes to lick off the white spot.

Kaiji grinned and pushed Yoichi against the counter. "You've got a drop on your lips. Did you sample the food early, you villain?" He kissed Yoichi.

Yoichi moaned into those delicious lips. The towel slipped off his shoulder and fell onto the stove. The corner touched the burner and burst into flames.

Kaiji dragged Yoichi backward, screaming, "Fire!"

"My pork belly!" Yoichi wailed.

Kaiji ran for the fire extinguisher on the wall. Yoichi tackled him. "No, don't you dare spray my pork belly! I've been slowly cooking it to perfect tenderness over the last four hours."

"We'll all die if the house burns down!" Kaiji grabbed the extinguisher despite his lover clinging to his waist.

"I would rather die than fail to make the perfect birthday meal for Sanzou!" Yoichi forced Kaiji's hands downward, so he sprayed the floor instead. The two of them slid on the wet tiles and landed sprawled on top of each other. The flames crackled ominously.

From the hallway, Sanzou called, "I smell smoke. Should I be worried?"

Yoichi cried, "No!" at the same time Kaiji whimpered, "Yes."

Sanzou pushed open the kitchen door. He did not bat an eyelash at the fire spreading down the towel. Instead, he calmly walked over, turned off the burner, and moved the pot. He grabbed a shaker off the counter and threw salt over the burning towel. Finally, he soaked a second towel in water, then tossed it on top. The small fire died out. Smiling, Sanzou said, "The tonkatsu ramen smells delicious."

Lying on top of Kaiji on the floor, Yoichi moaned, "I messed up…I'm sorry…"

Sanzou lifted Yoichi to his feet. "Nonsense, this is a beautiful surprise." Though he did not look particularly surprised. Sanzou helped Kaiji up next. "Are either of you hurt?"

"Only my pride," Kaiji groaned. "That fire was smaller than it first seemed."

Sanzou brushed back Yoichi's hair falling over his face and kissed him. Then he pivoted to kiss Kaiji. "I love you two. Thank you for working so hard for my birthday. I'm lucky to have you."

"Not as lucky as we are to have you," Yoichi said. "You saved my pork belly, thank you."

The tonkatsu ramen tasted absolutely perfect.

Pacing the bedroom, Kaiji bit his nails. "Yoichi has been depressed lately, don't you think? Even though his birthday is in a week?"

Sanzou lay on the bed, reading. "I think Yoichi feels down because his birthday is coming up. It probably brings back memories of his brother. They're twins, they used to celebrate together."

"Damn, that makes sense." Kaiji shook his head.

"Don't push him. We just need to be there for him if he wants to talk about it. Right now, he doesn't want to talk about it."

"Birthdays are probably important to Yoichi. He really wanted to make yours perfect. So I want his to be special, too." Kaiji's shoulders slumped. "But we spent a good chunk of our savings to fund that operation to expose the politicians bribed by All for One. I don't think it would be a good idea to blow the rest on a hundred roses again."

"Yoichi knows that," Sanzou said. "He prefers to spite his brother over any expensive gift."

"I want to spoil him and get him better presents then that bastard ever did!" Kaiji's shoulders slumped. "But All for One is rich, and we're not. We can't possibly compete."

"It's not about money," Sanzou said.

Kaiji rolled his eyes. "I know, it's the thought that counts, yadda yadda."

"I meant that more literally than metaphorically. All for One kept Yoichi under his control. Yoichi told me that he always wanted a pet cat, but All for One vetoed it. Probably too jealous to let him care about any other living being. What do you think about getting a cat? I've previously avoided pets because of the instability of our lives, but it seems like we've settled down in this home. I've looked over our finances, and we can afford the starting supplies and health insurance."

Kaiji paled. "Oh."

"We don't have to if you don't want a pet," Sanzou said, examining his lover's face.

"Who said I don't want one?" Kaiji demanded. "I'm not like All for One. If Yoichi wants a cat, then Yoichi gets a cat. What kind of cat would he like? Preferably a small one?"

Sanzou said, "I thought we could take Yoichi to the animal shelter and let him pick out a cat. We need to make sure he still wants one before we bring a cat home. Pets aren't a good surprise gift—everyone in the household needs to be in agreement. Plus, we can find a cat that we all bond with."

All the remaining color drained from Kaiji's face. "More…cats…oh…the more the merrier! Ha-ha!"

Sanzou set down his book. "Am I missing something?"

Kaiji took a deep breath. "I'm just nervous about getting Yoichi's first birthday with us right. He's been through so much with that asshole brother of his. He left all his belongings behind when he fled. I want to give him the whole world, but instead we're fugitives on the run. At the least, he should have whatever he wants for his birthday. Let's get him a cat."

"We'll make him happy." Sanzou held out his arms, and Kaiji came over for a hug.

Yoichi pushed open the bedroom door, wearing Captain Hero pajamas with his hair braided for the night. "Hugging without me? Let me in on the fun!" He jumped on them and rolled them into a cuddle pile.

With a blindfold blocking his vision, Yoichi could feel every roll and jerk of the car with added intensity. He joked, "This is just like the first time we met."

"Are you sure you're okay with the blindfold?" Kaiji asked nervously. Perhaps he was remembering how the vigilantes had blindfolded Yoichi after rescuing him from the vault to keep the location of their hideout secret, then Yoichi had a panic attack about being left in darkness.

"I'm fine," Yoichi said firmly. "If it bothered me, then I'd take the blindfold off. No one bound my hands this time." He reached over and groped, finally finding Kaiji's hand and squeezing it. "I love surprises. I can't wait to see what you have planned for my birthday."

Could it be an amusement park? A fancy restaurant? Or maybe a picnic? A picnic seemed more likely. Yoichi adored romantic gestures and his lovers skillfully provided them, but he had downgraded his expectations since he knew they'd dipped into their personal funds for Operation Humiliate All for One. (And it had been totally worth it. Yoichi couldn't ask for a better birthday present than getting one over on his obnoxious sibling.)

Kaiji's hand felt sweaty. He shook slightly. This amount of nervousness seemed like more than justified by Yoichi's joke falling flat. Could Kaiji be worried about making Yoichi happy for his birthday? Nervous enough to be on the verge of panic? Yoichi cleared his throat. "Hey, I hope I haven't come across like I'm spoiled or demanding. You know I'll love anything you come up with."

"You'll definitely love this." Sanzou spoke from the front of the car, where he was driving.

Kaiji brought Yoichi's hand up to his mouth and kissed the back. "You deserve to be spoiled, love." His voice sounded playful enough to make Yoichi wonder if he'd imagined it.

The car hummed as Sanzou parked. "You can take off the blindfold now."

Kaiji moved faster, yanking it off. Sanzou opened the car door for Yoichi to get out.

Yoichi stared at an unremarkable single-story brick building. It didn't look like a restaurant. After a moment, his eyes found the sign: The Petites Pattes Rescue. "We're getting a cat?!"

"We're getting a cat, if you still want one." Sanzou smiled.

"Of course I want one!" Yoichi flung his arms around Sanzou and kissed him. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

Kaiji said, "Good—all the pet supplies we got are returnable but it would have been a pain in the ass." He was smiling again, fortunately. He took out a gift wrapped in green paper with a big white bow.

Ripping off the paper, Yoichi found a large blue cat carrier inside. Yoichi kissed Kaiji until his smile became goofy. Running his finger down the scar on his lover's face, he said, "Thank you, my hero. This is the best birthday ever."

For a moment, Yoichi felt a small pang because he knew his twin would be lonely and missing him more than ever on their birthday. Biting his lip, he acknowledged the pain, then set it aside. Yoichi had no reason to feel guilty toward his brother, not after everything that Hisashi had done. But he'd come to realize he would never completely be able to let go of his complicated feelings. He could only learn to live with them. Over time, he'd found it easier not to let stray thoughts ruin his day. Maybe someday he'd even be able to remember the good times without every single memory being irrevocably tainted by the vault. Yoichi had been reading about handling grief for deaths in the family. Hisashi was not dead, but to Yoichi he might as well be.

Yoichi had a new family now. He linked arms with his two lovers and strode into the shelter.

The Petites Pattes Rescue had a white desk in the front with a huge poster of a black cat on the wall. Glass doors led to a store selling pet supplies. A young woman with mousy brown hair and thick spectacles stood behind the desk. She wore a blue uniform and a rainbow yarn hat. As soon as they walked in, her eyes fixed on Yoichi and Sanzou's hair. Yoichi bristled under that intense stare. From past experience, he knew that she was trying to tell if they had dyed roots—or if they were metahuman. He nearly walked right out of the animal shelter. But her voice was polite and welcoming as she said, "Welcome to The Petites Pattes Rescue. My name is Kei Koda. How may I help you?"

Sanzou stepped forward, taking charge. "We're interested in adopting a cat. Could we visit some of them and see who we get along with?"

She smiled. "That's exactly what we recommend doing. Follow me."

The shelter had been cleverly designed with a courtyard in the middle so the animals in cages could get sunlight. Even so, Yoichi's heart twisted to see them in their small cages. "I wish we could take them all home," he whispered.

Sounding amused, Sanzou said, "I only budged for one, please."

Kei opened ten cat cages and let them all out. "I'll take you to our play room so you can get to know them." The cats followed her in a perfectly straight line.

Yoichi blinked. "Um, are cats usually so…obedient?"

Kei glanced up at him from under her glasses. "People say that I have a special knack with animals." There was a tentative, nervous meaning lurking behind her words, ready to be quickly taken back at the slightest sign of disapproval. Now Yoichi understood why Kei had been staring at his hair. She'd wanted to know if he was like her. She'd probably only opened up because she'd concluded they were both metahuman. He would bet good money that animal ears hid under her hat. Now he felt embarrassed for his earlier negative assumption.

"You're talented at your job," Yoichi said, stooping down to pet one of the cats. He winked at her, then let a green spark flash down his arm—the embers of his ability. She smiled in return.

Kaiji lingered behind them in the hallway. He was sweating again. He whispered what sounded like a curse or a prayer under his breath. Could he be unwell? Yoichi lagged back and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Kaiji insisted gruffly. When he got like this, there was no moving him.

Kei pushed open the door to a cat playroom with blue walls, full of pet toys. She knelt down in front of the cats and said, "Have fun and be good for the customers," with a hint of command in her voice. The cats actually nodded in response. She straightened. "I have to man the desk. Let me know when you pick one out."

Yoichi nodded, distracted by the feline loveliness. So many beautiful cats! There were four American shorthairs, a short-legged Munchkin, a Persian, a Scottish Fold, a Bengal, and two Somalis. Yoichi sat down on the floor and reached for a mouse on a stick. The cats gathered around him, a couple pawing at his crossed legs. "Aw, aren't they adorable?" He scratched the Bengal's ears.

Lurking in the doorway, Kaiji made a retching sound.

Yoichi's head shot up. "Should I be worried?"

"No," Kaiji growled.

"Yes," Sanzou said, giving his lover a hard look. "Let's step outside for a moment."

Yoichi stood up, petting the Persian one last time. "I'll be back," he whispered.

As soon as the door closed to the cat playroom, Kaiji's shoulders visibly relaxed.

Sanzou snapped, "Why didn't you tell me that you're scared of cats?"

"You're scared of cats!?" Yoichi shook his head. "That's a thing?" Fear of dogs was commonplace, but he'd never met someone scared of cats. He immediately regretted the rude response. Even so…why cats? He'd never heard of a cat attack more serious than a scratch.

Kaiji shuffled his feet. "I'm not scared of cats. I'm a little nervous, that's all. I fought a villain once who created tigers made of smoke and used them to fight. That's how I got this scar." He touched the long scar running down his face. "The villain's cats would start out small, then turn giant and savage. Since then, I've been sca—wary of cats, even housecats."

"You should have told me." Sanzou pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's fine if you don't want to adopt a cat, but we shouldn't have gotten Yoichi's hopes up. How did I not know this about you? We've known each other for years!"

"There aren't many cats on vigilante bases." Kaiji hung his head. "I thought I could handle it better than this. I haven't had the nightmares in nearly a year."

"I won't get a cat if you don't want one." In spite of his best efforts, a note of bitterness slipped into Yoichi's voice. Sanzou had been right—Yoichi would have been fine if he'd known from the beginning, but getting this close to what he wanted and then having it ripped away felt painful.

"It's fine!" Kaiji insisted. "I told you, I'm fine with adopting a cat!"

Sanzou sighed. "You can't even be in the same room as a cat. How did you imagine bringing one home would work?"

"Yes, I can!" Kaiji yanked open the door and stomped in.

The Bengal sauntered over and rubbed against Kaiji's ankles. Kaiji immediately fainted dead away.

Yoichi leapt forward, catching his lover before his head hit the ground. He crouched awkwardly, holding Kaiji just off the floor. The cats surrounded them curiously. Kaiji's eyelids fluttered. He caught sight of the cats all around him and moaned. His face turned green.

A loud hiss came from the doorway. A truly massive blue Maine Coon strode into the playroom. The new cat was at least double the size of the others and exceedingly fluffy, with long ears and a hard green stare. The other cats fled before the monarch, cowering on the other side of the room. As if marking territory, the Maine Coon sauntered up to Kaiji and nuzzled him.

"Vestige, how did you get out of your cage again?" Kei rushed into the playroom. "Aw, she likes you! Vestige doesn't like anyone. I didn't think she was ready to meet humans. She, uh…she scratches."

That did not sound promising. Yoichi tried to pull Kaiji away.

Kaiji shook off Yoichi's arm and crouched down. "Ah-ha! I've found the solution to all my cat problems. I just needed to find a larger and scarier cat to chase the other furry monsters away." He put his face close enough to Vestige to look into her eyes. "I've been cured!"

"Uh, I don't think phobias work like that," Yoichi said worriedly.

Sanzou snorted. "You're watching the thought process of an idiot in action. Don't interfere, if he stops believing then it will stop working."

Slowly, Kaiji reached out and stroked Vestige's head. She purred. Kaiji beamed. "Aw, she likes me. I've tamed the monster."

"I think you got tamed." Yoichi knelt down to pet Vestige, too. Damn, she was beautiful. She felt so wonderfully soft, like burying his fingers in fluff. Her fur truly looked blue, not just grey. Looking up, he asked, "Does this cat have a power?" He'd heard rumors of rare animals with meta abilities. "I mean, she's blue."

Kei said, "That's a normal color for a Maine Coon."

"Oh," Yoichi muttered, feeling a little foolish.

Kei continued, "But you might be right. Vestige has an uncanny gift for escaping cages and popping up wherever she pleases. She doesn't obey me quite as much as the others, either. There's something special about her, I have no doubt about that. It seems like she's chosen you to be her family."

Sanzou held out his hand. Vestige sniffed him, then rubbed against his palm. Sanzou smiled. "Yes, we want this one."

After filling out an application and paying the adoption fee, the trio strode out of the shelter. Vestige was too big for the cat carrier, so she snuggled in Kaiji's arms.

When they arrived at home, Vestige immediately leapt down from Kaiji's arms and set about exploring the house. A giant chocolate cake sat on the dining room table. Yoichi beamed. "It looks delicious." His eyes fell on an envelope. "Oh! What's this?"

"Our backup gift." Sanzou picked up the envelope and handed it over. "Remember how your brother got a glimpse of your new pink hair during Operation Humiliate All for One?"

"Yeah, he leapt at me so fast that I nearly got a heart attack. The furious look in his eyes was worth it." Yoichi opened the envelope. The picture inside showed a headshot of Hisashi with bright pink hair. "HAHAHAHA! Oh, he didn't! I wouldn't have thought him quite so obsessed with us looking like twins, but I guess I underestimated his resolve."

Kaiji smirked. "No, you guessed right. He purchased the hair dye, then agonized over it for weeks. We bribed a staff member who needed help with an escape plan to slip the dye into his shampoo."

Sanzou added, "Most of the household staff hate him, it wasn't hard to find someone. The real difficulty was snapping the picture before he had time to fix it."

Yoichi laughed so hard tears streamed down his cheeks. "He must have been so angry! Thwarting my brother is the perfect birthday gift. Thank you." He pulled them both into a hug. "You've given me two of the best gifts in my entire life."

"Better than your birthday gifts from your brother?" Kaiji asked. Sanzou glared at him over Yoichi's shoulder and mimed to keep his mouth shut.

Yoichi chuckled. "Yes, better than Hisashi's gifts."

Sanzou grabbed Kaiji to kiss him before he could say anything else foolish, which distracted the trio for a while. Fortunately, the cake could wait.

The television played faintly as Kaiji snuggled up to Vestige on the couch. The giant cat looked like a blue blanket on top of him. Mumbling, Kaiji reached up and petted her in his sleep. She purred like a freight train.

"Aww, how cute." Yoichi snapped a picture on his phone. "To think Kaiji used to be afraid of cats. Now look at how much he dotes on Vestige. I wonder which of us got a present the day we adopted her?" Yoichi laughed.

Sanzou put an arm around Yoichi. "Kaiji's birthday is coming up next. What do you think we should get him?"

"Man, that's a hard one." Yoichi gnawed on his lip. "Kaiji isn't one for celebrations or romance. He's impossible to shop for. If he wants something, he'll immediately buy it for himself. His tastes are inexpensive. He generally doesn't care about material stuff."

Sanzou said, "On the other hand, he'll be happy with anything we do."

"Yeah, but we can do better than coasting on low expectations. Especially since he worked so hard to make both of our birthdays special." Yoichi watched his sleeping lover and twirled a lock of hair as he thought. "Kaiji's favorite activity is heroism…but I guess that doesn't help us…"

"No, you might be on to something," Sanzou said. "Kaiji hasn't been on a proper field mission since we moved Sunrise into sleeper mode." And because they were hiding from All for One, but that part went unspoken. "What if we arranged a small vigilante excursion for him? Something not too dangerous, low stakes, and fun?"

"Ooo, he'd love that!" Yoichi accidentally raised his voice. Kaiji stirred on the couch. They stepped out into the hallway and closed the door to avoid waking him as they planned.

Kaiji slipped his last bite of steak off his plate and into Vestige's gaping mouth. Sanzou scolded, "Kaiji!"

"Aw, come on, it's my birthday. I can treat Vestige too." Kaiji tried to sound pleading, but it didn't work because he was chuckling. "Just look at her—she's so large, she needs extra food."

Sanzou shrugged, giving up. "You have a point. I thought I would need to increase our pet food budget when Vestige first came to live with us, but she's very good at hunting for herself."

"Since she let us eat part of the deer she dragged back last week, we should let her have some of our food, too," Yoichi said. Vestige commonly hunted in the woods outside their cottage. After she'd killed a deer, she'd indisputable proven that she was not a normal cat, though they were still not certain the extent of her abilities. Yoichi had always wanted a superpowered cat and thought she was incredibly cool.

Vestige rubbed against Yoichi's ankle. "I'm already done eating," he said as he petted her. "You'll have no luck with me." She leapt up into his lap for more petting.

Kaiji burped, then leaned back in his chair. "All right, what's the surprise that you two have been smiling about all week?"

Yoichi and Sanzou exchanged grins. Sanzou pulled out a folder. "We have a mission for you."

Kaiji's eyes widened. "Whoa, just what I've been wanting!"

Yoichi explained, "I researched corruption among politicians and businesspeople, looking for a good target." He'd found several new culprits taking bribes from his brother, but any mission involving All for One automatically became dangerous. His brother would drop everything to chase at the first sign of Yoichi. (And the pink hair incident had not improved his temper.) So those had been tabled for later, because this was supposed to be a fun birthday activity. "We found a target close to home. The mayor of our city, Benten Eguchi, bragged about her numerous charitable contributions during her last reelection campaign. She's been donating an unusually large amount to an orphanage for metahuman children. I thought that was suspicious given her political stance has been hostile to us."

"So we dug deeper." Sanzou opened his folder, flipping through pages until he reached financials for the orphanage. "Four-year-old Hikage Shinomori is supposed to living at the orphanage, but there are no records of this boy even existing. We dropped by the orphanage to confirm it, and he's not there. We think that the orphanage head and Mayor Eguchi concocted a scheme to fake records of children who don't exist in order to embezzle orphanage funds."

Kaiji's fingers drummed on the table as he listened. A childish grin lit up his face. "But why would the mayor send her personal money? It would make more sense if she stole government funds."

"We have opposing theories about that," Yoichi said, continuing to pet Vestige. "I think the orphanage head blackmailed the mayor about their embezzlement."

Sanzou said, "And I think the money was stolen from tax payers and now is being laundered through the orphanage. But to find out, we'll have to break into the mayor's mansion and look through her personal files."

Kaiji laughed. "I'm in! This is going to be so much fun." He rubbed his hands together.

Vestige chortled as if laughing too. Yoichi scratched her ears. It made him feel like an evil overlord with a cat in his lap as he plotted mischief. She was the ideal cat for a villain, and he felt very smug that she'd picked him, not his brother.

Kaiji looked hot scaling the wall dressed in a black catsuit. The green sparks of One for All danced down his legs. With his night vision goggles, Yoichi was unabashedly staring as Kaiji crested the top and threw down a rope. Sanzou nudged Yoichi, so he started climbing.

The mansion was dark and silent. Mayor Eguchi had no staff who lived on the premises. She slept in the opposite end from her office. The trio planned to slip into her office and leave without her ever knowing that they'd been there—not until they publicly released information about her crimes. Sanzou had bribed someone to obtain intel about the alarm system. He opened a metal box on the wall and expertly cut a wire. Meanwhile, Kaiji picked the lock on the window of the first-floor office. Yoichi kept watch. The mansion had guards, but they were only allowed to patrol on the outside. Sanzou had also obtained the patrol schedule to avoid the guards. Even so, there was a risk of someone overhearing if they made noise.

Kaiji scrambled through the open window. Yoichi moved to follow, but Sanzou grabbed his shoulder. "I hacked the mansion alarm system, and an alert triggered as soon as Kaiji went through the window. I used my override to disable it, but it shouldn't have been possible for them to notice us at all. I've cut the alarms." He scowled at his phone as if personally offended.

Yoichi said, "We should tell Kaiji."

"No, no, everything has to go according to my plan. This is just…a very small mishap. There's no reason to bother him." Sanzou examined the window. "Funny, I can't spot a second alarm system."

Kaiji hissed, "Are you coming?"

Pressing his mouth to Yoichi's ear, Sanzou whispered, "Go ahead, I'll disable the alarm again if you trigger it."

"That sounds risky—" Yoichi found himself shoved through the window before he could protest.

Sanzou followed. He whispered, "There was no alarm when we went through. I don't understand it, what kind of alarm would be triggered by the first person but not the second? A tripwire? But Kaiji would have noticed a tripwire."

Kaiji did not notice their conversation. He'd picked the lock on the filing cabinet, and now he was taking pictures of the contents with his phone and a flashlight.

Yoichi tiptoed around the office, looking for secret compartments. His brother had a nerdy affection for those, so Yoichi had gotten good at spotting them. Yoichi lifted up a paperweight to on the bookshelf to reveal a red button underneath.

Sanzou hissed, "Shit," and tapped on his phone. Presumably another alarm had been triggered when Yoichi had found the button. That was interesting, since he hadn't even pressed it yet. Sanzou had been right. Something seemed strange about this.

Kaiji looked up. "You two keep hissing. Should I be worried?"

"No," Sanzou snapped. "Everything is going according to plan. My plan is perfect."

"Yes. I have a very bad feeling." Driven by instinct, Yoichi pressed the button before anyone could tell him that would be a bad idea. The bookshelf slid aside to reveal a hidden stairway leading down. "Hmm, I wonder if this is why the mayor doesn't let any staff or guards stay at the mansion. I think she's hiding something big."

"How could I have not known about this?" Sanzou clutched his hair. "I planned for everything! This was supposed to be easy. Did I screw up? I screwed up!"

Kaiji stepped forward and tilted up Sanzou's chin. "Plans change. Whatever is down there, we need to investigate." It was fascinating to watch Kaiji's face shift into the cold, composed vigilante leader. "Put your hero face on."

"Yes, Leader." Sanzou snapped to attention.

Kaiji took the lead, shining his flashlight down the stairs. They moved quickly, though Sanzou had to disable the alarm a couple more times.

Yoichi didn't know what he'd expected to find at the bottom of the stairs, in the tiny stone room. But it had certainly not been a very young child, barely more than a toddler, strapped to an adult-sized chair. The shivering little boy wore only a white shift. Wires led from the helmet strapped to his head to a wall of flashing lights. The boy's green eyes were open and unblinking, seeming unaware of his surroundings. Horror took Yoichi's breath away, followed by rage. How dare anyone do this to a child?

Sanzou swore. "Hikage Shinomori!"

Then Yoichi recognized the boy from his orphanage file—the child they'd assumed to be made up. Instead, he'd been kidnapped. This explained the payments to the orphanage head, but why take a child and lock him up like this? Surely there must be a point besides the cruelty?

Sanzou stepped forward, then pressed his phone again. "The alarm goes off when I get closer to him. I think that this poor kid is being used as a living alarm system."

Then little Hikage must be a metahuman. Of course he was metahuman—the government always went after people like them. Yoichi growled. Kaiji's cheeks flushed red and his fists clenched.

Face grim, Sanzou examined the circuits on the wall. "As soon as we take the helmet off the kid, it will trigger an alarm that I can't override. We need to move fast." The three of them did not even need to communicate to know of course they would take the child with them.

Kaiji nodded. He pulled out spare rope from his backpack. "Yoichi, you strap the kid to your back. Sanzou and I will take the lead and subdue any guards who try to stop us. I'll bust up this wall as soon as you grab the boy. Count of three. One—two—three."

Yoichi lunged, scooping up Hikage. The poor child felt thin and cold. Kaiji punched his fist into the wall, crackling with green sparks. The circuit board broke, but they still heard the chimes of an alarm above. All three ran.

The trio did not have any trouble knocking out the guards and escaping back to their cottage. Since they'd abandoned any hope of subtly, Kaiji had stolen the mayor's laptop on his way out. He and Sanzou were in the office, trying to break into it. Meanwhile, Yoichi cleaned off Hikage in the bathroom. The boy had been wearing a diaper that hadn't been changed recently, and dirt covered his face. It was slow going.

The child hung limp in Yoichi's arms, still not waking up. What had those monsters done to him? Yoichi mentally ran through the list of doctors Sunrise knew in the area. Migraine's metapower would be perfect for diagnostics, but he'd moved to Australia after being exposed as metahuman in the hospital where he'd worked and losing his job. Australia had taken in quite a few refugees due to policies friendly to metahumans.

Yoichi carried Hikage to the living room and placed him on the couch, tucking a blanket over him. Then he went to the kitchen to make oatmeal—warm and easy to eat. He set a tray of oatmeal and apple juice on the coffee table.

On the couch, Hikage stirred and flinched.

Yoichi knelt down with his hands raised. "I'm a hero, and I'm here to save you."

Anxious green eyes tracked his every movement. Hikage whispered, "You're not dangerous."

Was that his ability talking? Yoichi scooted forward. He offered a spoonful of oatmeal. "Are you hungry?"

Hikage nodded and opened his mouth. His skeletal arms hung limp at his side. He gulped and licked at the spoon.

After Yoichi finished spoon-feeding the child, Vestige leapt onto the couch and started grooming Hikage. Yoichi tensed, ready to intervene if the boy looked scared. Instead, Hikage giggled and leaned against the fluffy fur. "Kitty!"

From the doorway, Kaiji inclined his head. Yoichi slipped over. Sanzou waited in the hallway too. In a low voice, Kaiji said, "Good news and bad news."

Yoichi sighed. "Lay it on me."

Kaiji said, "The good news is that a smuggler contact of mine got us tickets on a boat to Australia tomorrow and fake identities for all three of us and the child."

Yoichi stared. "Why are we going to Australia?"

"That's the bad news." Sanzou held up his phone to reveal an article about three intruders who had broken into the mayor's mansion and kidnapped a visiting orphan. They'd been declared wanted fugitives and domestic terrorists. "There must have been cameras in the mayor's mansion, because they have our faces. This goes high up. The mayor was selling experimental results on Hikage to other more powerful people. The military wanted to use the kid as a weapon. Once we're in Australia, we can release information about the experiments going on in the mansion. But we really need to get out of the country first, because if they find us, then they'll bury the truth along with our corpses and Hikage will return to being tortured."

Sanzou certainly had a vivid turn of phrase. Yoichi shuddered. "I always wanted to go abroad someday. I've heard Australia has all kinds of interesting wildlife, but I'm sure Vestige will once again establish herself at the top of the food chain." His shoulders sagged as he exhaled. "Sorry about ruining your birthday, Kaiji."

Kaiji pulled both of his lovers into a hug. "Nonsense, I got just what I wanted: an adventure, a heroic rescue, and the two of you. As long as we're together, nothing worries me."

OMAKE TIME!

Omake: The Fallout, Sanzou's Birthday

Kaiji: Look at the bright side. We got Sanzou his favorite thing for his birthday: a chance to save our asses.

Yoichi: Too soon!

#

Omake: Incorrect Quotes, the Joker

Yoichi: Why are you scared of cats?

Kaiji: Do you want to know how I got these scars?

#

Omake: The Fallout, Yoichi's Birthday

Kaiji: I've only had Vestige for a day and a half, but if anything happened to her then I would kill All for One.

Yoichi: You're getting the quote wrong.

Kaiji: I just assume that All for One is always the most likely culprit.

#

Omake: Gigantomachia Actually Loved the Pink Hair

All for One: My brother's wanted poster has pink hair so now I'll have to dye my hair pink.

Garaki: Oh no, it will look dreadful on you! No one will take you seriously.

All for One: I know, redouble our efforts to capture Yoichi so I can bleach both of our hair.

Garaki: Pardon my presumption, but you could…just not dye your hair pink.

All for One: You could just shut up.

#

Omake: Rejected Plans

Kaiji: What if we got Captain Hero merchandise and haircare products for Yoichi?

Sanzou: He's really picky about his hair, and we don't understand merch well enough to pick the good stuff. It would be risky.

Kaiji: Ugh, I bet All for One would know what Yoichi likes. The bastard. I know! We'll sneak into All for One's mansion and steal back Yoichi's old belongings.

Sanzou: Ah, I see, you want to give Yoichi a chance to rescue us for his birthday. I think odds are All for One would just kill us, though.

Kaiji: What's your suggestion if you're so smart?

Sanzou: Yoichi loves nothing more than tormenting his brother. Let's help All for One make up his mind about dying his hair.

#

Omake: The Fallout, Kaiji's Birthday

Kaiji: Whoa, I thought I was the biggest disaster in our trio, but the other two surpassed me on my own birthday. I got an arrest warrant for my birthday.

Author: Count yourself lucky that I didn't go with my original plan—Sanzou and Yoichi try to kill the rumors of your love affair with All for One and accidentally convince all of Japan that you eloped with him.

Kaiji: La la la, I'm so happy to be an international terrorist.

Author's Note: I think of this as the "good end" epilogue where the trio gets to live happily ever after and All for One never catches up to them. The trio and Hikage successfully fled Japan and escaped All for One's influence to live happily ever after. The normal ending will be coming up next, but I will post that as its own oneshot entitled "Friendly Fire Isn't." The normal end takes place in a dark (but still cracky) future where Yoichi and All for One battle for control and Izuku became a rival villain.

Melatien drew fanart of pink-haired Yoichi inspired by this fic. I adore it, his hair and eyes are so pretty! Delete the spaces to get the link:
melatien.
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post/722656002449752064/the-devils-double-chapter-1-katydid

I liked it so much that I commissioned Kore-Arts to draw pink-haired All for One to go with. I love All for One's smirk—and embarrassed face in his real thoughts! Delete the spaces to get the link:
tumblr.
com/
kore-arts/723845617906040832/the-heroic-disaster-gays-katydid

Extra discord link for same picture at:
cdn.
discordapp.
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attachments/1108606012237287434/1133072348422082690/Untitled394_20230724102444.p
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