Chapter 20 " He Don't Love You" (Third week in December 1983)
(Song suggestion- "He Don't Love You" by Tony Orlando)
Ray Stantz
When I was at the convention, I discovered that Egon was not exaggerating his unprofessionalism the week beforehand as our contemporaries mentioned it. He missed a couple of his sessions where he was the main speaker causing the participants to be disappointed and the people who ran the gathering irate. I spent a good portion of my first day that morning apologizing for his behavior and trying to smooth things over with them. The convention was an excellent way to promote our paranormal elimination business, and Iggy's unpreparedness didn't assist me at all. I felt like I had to pick up the slack, and I wished that Pete was with me because he was very good at persuading people, especially women.
Egon and Janine's situation was peculiar when I returned a week later; our resident physicist behaved immaturely by discounting her. In contrast, she was a wreck and livid by his maltreatment of her. As a result, the atmosphere was strained when they were in the same room because of a meeting Peter called at random or nearby each other by chance.
Dr. Egon Spengler
For Thanksgiving, my parents bought me a ticket for a flight home to Cleveland to visit because it had been over a year and a half since I had seen them. I left the day after my birthday, two days before Thanksgiving. When I was unpacking later that night, I discovered a small blue wrapped box in my bag with Janine's handwriting on it. There was a paper attached to it that said,
"Egon, I made this for you before I came down with the stomach flu. Happy Belated Birthday! I hope that you enjoy it! Sincerely, Janine."
I touched the pen marks over her handwriting, like caressing her pretty face. My heart dropped to my stomach as I wondered what it was, knowing that I had been disregarding her for two weeks since I came back from Albany, all to control my emotions. Suddenly I felt very guilty and incredibly undeserving of this gift. Therefore I put the present back in my dark brown suitcase and changed into my pajamas.
My focus moved to scrutinize my old room when I was growing up, and I realized it was like an odd relic of history frozen in time. More like a time capsule in a sense, I remembered all of the time I spent in my room reading my science and engineering books, writing journals full of notes, and using the lab kits and equipment for children of differing ages. It made me realize that all I had were books and science equipment here, and I felt a frown appear on my face as I unbuttoned my shirt. Sliding it off, I put it on the bed and retrieved my blue and green striped flannel PJs in my bag. I noticed that I felt remorseful about my old room's lack of memories.
"Shouldn't I have memories of interacting with others?" I thought out loud.
I walked over to my bookshelves in my undershirt and pants that held my science fair awards and collectively peered at them. More Science.
First place, second place, winner ages 8-10, and honorable mention ribbons sat on the top shelf. On the shelf below, there were things that I built like a model T car, a TWA plane from the 1950s, a replica of the Empire State Building, and another of the Golden Gate Bridge. The next shelf contained my first microscope, a slide ruler, and other tools, and finally, the bottom included pictures. My great Uncle Egon, when he worked for the defense department in the 1920s, was in the first picture frame, and I grasped it to peer at it closely.
"What would you say about this Ghostbusting business," I questioned his picture and struggled to come up with a response after contemplating it for a long while. As I put him on my shelf, I observed my photographs of my heroes Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, Aristotle, and Galileo. The next one contained family pictures, one of the Spengler family from a reunion in 1962, another of the Lehman family (my Mother's side) from 1964, and finally, a picture of the four of us in 1966.
"Why do I have so many impersonal pictures?" I thought to myself and returned to my suitcase to change into my nightclothes. Viewing my brother's old room from the doorway, I observed very differently from my own. Mom chose to repurpose Michael's space after leaving for college as a guest room but still had many pictures of him as student council Vice President, his different girlfriends and friends, and other social events through his school years.
"Is something wrong with me," I wondered out loud, and I wished I could talk to Janine. She would listen to me in her kind-hearted way, making eye contact with me and smiling at me to encourage me to continue when I couldn't get the words out. I felt downhearted that I spurned her because I genuinely missed her, not just now but since I left for Albany.
"Why did I have these problems about letting another person in my life? And the possibility of balancing work and a girlfriend?" I vexedly thought, "Not that Janine was my girlfriend, and she probably didn't want to be with my poor reception of her lately. However, I recognized that I desired her to be it now."
As a result, I went to get Janine's present from my room. Carefully, I unwrapped the blue paper and then discovered a cassette tape. Throwing the wrapping paper away, I raised my right eyebrow and studied the form inside of the cassette.
"Oh, Janine," I noisily gasped while I read the song list. Almost all of which I had associated with her. Immediately, I desired to listen to it and remembered that there was a tape player in Michael's room, so I went in there again to hear her present and sit on the bed. Janine's thoughtful gift touched my heart.
1. Keep on Loving You- REO Speedwagon
2. Just What I Needed- the Cars
3. Happy Just to Dance with you- the Beatles
4. Baby, I love your way- Peter Frampton
5. Somebody's Baby- Jackson Browne
6. Leave a Tender Moment Alone-Billy Joel
7. Judy is a Punk- the Ramones
8. Lean on me- Bill Withers
9. More Than This- Roxy Music
10. Sea of Love- Phil Philips
11. Can't Help Falling in Love with you- Elvis
As I read the list, I observed various songs from my time knowing Janine, from the beginning of our relationship to the present.
"Oh sh—," I remarked, trying to get a hold of myself as the songs pulled my heartstrings on the list. A few tears came from my left eye unexpectedly. I found myself looking at my watch and noted that it was only nine-thirty, so I picked up the phone in the room to dial her number.
"Hello, Wendy. This is Uhm Egon ...Spengler. Ahem...May I please speak to Janine?" I introduced myself nervously.
"Oh, hi, Egon! Here she is," Wendy greeted, happily and I waited nervously, feeling my pulse quicken straightway as I did, and my hands began to sweat. Unfortunately, I felt an emotion of impending doom in my heart as I awaited her, and I almost felt myself panic.
"Hello?"
"Janine, it's...Uhm... Egon," I stammered, expecting her to hang up or tell me off immediately.
"Egon? Aren't you in Cleveland?"
"Yes, but I found your gift and wanted to thank you before it was too late to call. It's very considerate, and I am listening to it right now. I Uhm...love it," I informed her, sincerely and with affection in my voice.
"You are welcome, Egon. I'm glad you like it," she remarked, pleased. Janine's voice held a hint of shock in it.
"I'm glad you put a Ramones song on it. Isn't that one of the songs you were singing with Wendy that night at the bar," I questioned.
"How do you remember that," Janine demanded suspiciously.
"I remember that night like it was yesterday," I revealed earnestly, adding, "it was one of the best nights 'going out in my life."
"I'm glad you like it, really," Janine replied warily. Her tone transformed from happy or surprised to hear from me to nonplussed, and it was mystifying me.
"Are you well, Janine?" I inquired after her health as I had forgotten that she was rightfully mad at me.
"Pretty well, thank you. Just startled that you called me since we haven't spoken in a few weeks at work or even outside of it," she remarked brazenly.
"I deserved that," I thought to myself, frowning, and I felt a painful ache in my heart when my dearheart made her comment. She hadn't forgotten my poor behavior towards her.
"I'm sorry for acting so inconsiderately, Janine, truthfully. I know I treated you... Uhm...very...poorly," I apologized, feeling guilty for my behavior, and then mentioned, "I realize that doesn't make up for the way I have treated you, though."
"No, it doesn't, Egon. I think I know where you are going with this conversation, but I would rather complete it in person," she answered firmly, and I knew that she raised her chin stubbornly in the air.
"I only called to thank you for the present and to tell you that I love it. I do not understand your meaning," I stated, genuinely perplexed.
"What conversation?" I thought crossly to myself.
"The one where you inform me that you don't want to see me anymore socially," Janine replied angrily.
"Honestly, I called to thank you, and because I missed talking to you since the convention," I responded, astounded, after a prolonged silence after I heard her comment, dismayed. Now it was Janine's turn to be soundless for a while.
"Oh."
"I have missed speaking to you too, Egon, outside of work, I mean, but it's been onerous not talking to you at the firehouse, too," Janine explained, after a short pause, and there was a touch of injury in her voice.
"I agree, but I know that is my fault as well. I am genuinely sorry, Janine, " I confessed quietly and wondered if maybe that it was a mistake to call her as it had become very awkward.
Luckily, Janine maneuvered the discussion another way by saying, perceptibly, " What's on your mind, Egon?"
"You know me well, Janine," I answered, smiling, feeling a wave of relief wash over my body by her admission and the relaxing of tension in the discussion.
"Yes, out with it, Spengler, spill it. Long-distance calling isn't cheap," she laughed, and I grinned widely as I pictured her face giggling. I loved seeing or hearing her happy and disliked it immensely that I caused her pain with my actions and insensitivity.
"I was looking at my room, the one I grew up in, and realized that it was all science on my shelves. Bookshelves of awards from science fairs, pictures of my favorite scientists, Nobel prize nominees, models that I built, and science equipment that I used, but not of people," I described.
"Wow," she exclaimed, "I'd love to see it sometime. But why is that a problem?"
I felt myself chuckle involuntarily because of her eagerness, then inquired, self consciously, "Is something wrong with me for dedicating my life to science? I mean, shouldn't I have pictures of friends and social events?"
"No, not at all. If what you are doing makes you happy, why would you question it? Do you regret your decisions growing up," she questioned.
"I don't think so, but when I viewed my room, which seemed frozen in time, by the way, that's how I left it in 1967. I feel a little sadness now," I revealed.
"Am I overall content with my decisions as I grew up," I wondered to myself, and then the more significant question hit me, "Am I happy with my life now and my decisions?"
Ergo, I didn't have time to meditate on the questions now, though as Janine replied, "It is probably because of the tremendous amount of growth you have made since that time. How old were you then?"
"Eighteen. Just graduated with my engineering degree and about to go to graduate school," I remarked absentmindedly, looking around old Michael's room.
"Are you kidding me? Did you earn your bachelor's degree at eighteen? I could barely drive a stick shift on a car," she declared excitedly.
"Come on, don't tease me, Janine. It's not that big of a deal. How old were you in 1967," I replied abashedly.
"We aren't talking about me, Egon. Yes, it is a significant achievement at any age, especially at such a young one. You are a brilliant man...don't regret your decisions growing up. You will create something that will change all of our lives one day. I know it. I...really admire... you," she confessed, sincerely.
I felt warmth spread in my heart that only Janine could provide, and I grinned widely.
"That means so much to me, and I want you to know that," I admitted gratefully, "your confidence in me."
"I recall a time in July that you had to assist me with my career choices, and since then, I have completed another two classes in a couple of weeks," she reminded me, with a smile in her sweet voice.
"I'd do it again, in a second, to make you feel better," I remarked truthfully.
"Aww, Egon, that's sweet," she squealed.
"By the way, how is your current class going?"
Janine described her class in a few minutes, and then I teased her again by asking, "How old were you in 1967?"
"Maybe she was right. I shouldn't regret my past choices while growing up," I thought.
"Ahh, Egon," she sighed, "I was 13 and in middle school while you were earning your first degree. What song are you on?"
"Peter Frampton," I answered, smiling.
"One of my favorites. I can't believe you sang that to me outside of the gala, and it was so very romantic," Janine responded dreamily.
"If it makes you joyful, it was worth it. I do it again just like that," I remarked, truthfully, snapping my fingers, and my Angel simpered. I loved that sound and recalled watching her beautiful face as she did so from my memory banks.
There was tranquil silence for a minute or two.
"I have to go in a second, Janine, but I wanted to know...ahem...you were too furious to ...have with me to...Uhm..lunch with me on Sunday. I return to New York at ten p.m. on the previous night," I questioned nervously.
"If I were incensed, I would hang up, and I would say disappointed and mad. However, you did well by making this phone call because it is a step in the right direction. I'll let you make it up to me by taking me to lunch and maybe a movie that day," she flirted with me, causing me to grin.
"Ok, I'll be at your apartment at one," I promised her happily.
"Can't wait."
"Sweet dreams, Janine," I said, wishing I could kiss her good night.
"Night, Egon."
As I lay on my brother's bed, I sat there listening to the tape that my Angel made for me euphorically. I recalled every interaction, every kiss, every hug, and secret glance we had given each other in the nine months I had known her. My heart felt full of love for her, and I fell asleep dreaming about holding her in my arms after kissing her goodnight, just like I did on her sofa after the gala. I cherished that cassette tape that she gave me like a prized possession because it was almost as excellent as winning an award, or was it even better? Before drifting off to sleep, I felt my heart acknowledge that question by shrieking the second choice sonorously.
Her gift was heavenly, like her.
Two Days Later
Almost immediately when I awoke, the other side of my brain fought with my decision to take out Janine. My thoughts attacked it repeating by the following statements perpetually while I took a shower:
"You only have time for science to receive Nobel recognition,"
"Janine distracts you from your research,"
"You're in control of your emotions at all times,"
"Your feelings for Janine are holding you back from meeting your career goals, and she can't possibly understand the depth of your dedication,"
"You aren't cut out for love,"
"Janine is the reason you were so unprepared at the convention,"
"Janine would eventually tire of your dedication to it and stop caring about you."
Following my shower, my wristwatch beeped in a high-pitched tone, announcing it was now seven a.m. the day after Thanksgiving, and my thoughts caused me severe agitation as I prepared to shave my face. I shook the Barbasol can with my right hand and applied pressure to the bottom with my left, causing a sticky substance to come out. After placing it on my face, I picked up my razor and shaved it deliberately.
There was a knock on my bedroom door as I did so, and I called, "come in."
My Father entered the room in solid red flannel pajamas, padded to the bathroom, inquired if I wanted breakfast, and waited for me, making small talk.
Nodding, I examined my face and saw that I hadn't disregarded any parts, so I ran the water to rinse my stubble from the previous day off my razor and put it back in its case. We walked into the kitchen, which Mom finally agreed to remodel from the early sixties style they had it in when we moved in so many years ago. She wasn't into modernizing and updating its class, but Dad liked to build things on the weekends. Mother wasn't into the homemaking period and fought it most of her life when she was younger because society expected it at that time. She felt reluctant while we were growing up to some extent. Regardless, Father spent a year modernizing it for her about five years ago, in pieces. When Mom saw it completed for the first time, she broke down and cried.
"How are things going with the business," he asked, turning on the lights to the kitchen, so I spoke about how our number of clients were picking up and that we were finally catching up on our bills a little. As we talked, I helped him retrieve the items he needed to make his signature breakfast, a fried spam sandwich with cheese, even though Dad wasn't supposed to have any because he had high blood pressure, and he still snuck one once in a while.
"No coffee," I questioned him, searching for it in the cabinets. Shaking his head, Dad filled up the kettle with water and put it on the stove, turning up the heat all of the ways. I sighed at the thought of another day without coffee as I was addicted to the liquid, but I reached in the cupboard looking for tea.
"What kind," I asked, looking at the many diverse boxes of flavors of teas, and raised an eyebrow, in question, at the sheer number of them.
"Earl Grey," Dad answered, " How is everything else in the Big Apple?"
"Janine drank lavender tea before bed, " I thought when he responded, and her glowing, youthful face popped up in my head before I could halt them. As a result, I took two Earl Grey tea bags out and slammed the cupboard door shut with a bang, without realizing it, then repeated to myself, peeved, "
"Newton's first law states that every object will remain at rest or in uniform motion in a straight line unless compelled to change its state by the action of an external force."
"Shh, Egon, your mother's sleeping," Dad reprimanded gently, looking at me with bewilderment. Sheepishly, I apologized and repeated Newton's second law while muttering to myself while waiting for the tea water to boil,
"Newton's second law of motion can be formally stated as follows: The acceleration of an object as produced by a net force is directly proportional to the magnitude of the net force, in the same direction as the net force, and inversely proportional to the mass of the object."
"Is something wrong, son, " my Dad probed observantly, putting butter on one of the four slices of wheat bread with a knife. He glanced up at me with his brown eyes examining mine before he searched for a frying pan.
"No."
Stillness entered the air for a few minutes as he glanced up at me and observed, "You have the same look that your Mom did when she first informed me that she was in love."
"That's a pretty specific memory," I responded dubiously, with a shrug, removing the whistling kettle from the hot burner, "how do you remember that?"
"There are some things you remember for the rest of your life, Egon. Like when you fall in love, or when your children are born," he said.
"Damn," I whispered, wincing with the thought of twirling the exquisite goddess Janine around in that elegant cream-colored frock, amazed with her beauty before the gala, then shook my head side to side to erase it from my memory vehemently. The kettle started to whistle and required my attention.
"Would that be one," I wondered to myself.
"Mmmmm," Dad replied, knowingly, facing me as the kettle whistled, and I removed it from the hot burner then turned the knob off, " why are you repeating Newton's second law of motion?"
"Oh, I don't know," I remarked, lying as I poured the hot water in the cups and watched the tea bags steep, distractedly.
My Dad gave me a very skeptical look; However, he refocused on his task at hand, which was making those delicious sandwiches. As a chemist, Father was a brilliant man, but more in tune with his emotional side than my Mother and I, who kept our feelings more inside. He was a romantic, but eventually, she realized its charm. Dad explained that it took Mother a while to initially get used to his romantic gestures, not because she didn't like them, just because her brain was very black and white. My own was extraordinarily similar, but I found with Janine I seemed to have a romantic side, too.
Father caught me up on his research projects and things with the family as he fried our greasy sandwiches. After I retrieved the miracle whip and cheese from the refrigerator for him when he asked for it, he took a bit of cheese on the spam in the frying pan with a spatula and then put it on one piece of the bread. I watched Dad put cheese on top of the meat and then spread the miracle whip on the other part of the bread. The smell of the sandwiches made my mouth water, and my stomach growl, although I ate a vast amount of food at dinner since Mom made me pot roast. I removed the tea bags and placed them on a spoon next to the kettle by the counter. Carefully, I carried the two steaming cups of tea to the table.
"Who is she, Egon?"
Dad brought the sandwiches to the table and handed me a plate. Purposely, I ignored his question by taking a bite of the sandwich, but all I saw was a picture of Janine, this time dancing at the bar to the Ramones in that short black and white striped dress. We ate in silence.
"I don't think I have had one of these sandwiches in ten years. I forgot how good these things are," I commented, changing the subject.
Raising his left eyebrow, Dad gave me a bemused glance and then replied, "Uh oh, son."
I didn't make eye contact with him and began talking to him about a new invention that I had in mind and kept my mind off her.
"Egon, you are uncomfortable with a woman and do you want to talk about it " Father quizzed me after a brief silence after an animated conversation about my new idea. Afterward, I got up to reheat the tea water as mine had gotten cold but mumbled a "no."
We sat in silence, and my dad stared at me shaking his head.
"You might as well tell me, son. I can read you like a book like your mother."
"Her name is Janine Melnitz; she's our secretary/accountant. She is from Brooklyn and is working on a degree in computer systems. I called her last night because I've missed talking to her and to thank her for the gift she stashed in my bag without me knowing it" I started but then quit in frustration.
He prompted me, and before I knew it, I had told him everything that I had learned about Janine, down to her biting her lip when she was nervous about the fact that her smile could light a thousand candles. Surprisingly, I felt relieved afterward, and I focused on my coffee mug with a heart and the word Cleveland on it.
"Wow, you haven't ever talked to me about your girlfriends, Egon, but you just spend fifteen minutes or longer describing Janine to me," Dad replied, flabbergasted.
"Dad, you know that I haven't had many girlfriends because I have dedicated my life to the pursuit of a Nobel, and it's just a distraction," I remarked, giving him a deadpan look, and he chuckled.
"Maybe, I still didn't hear anything about that artist," he smiled, teasing me, and then inquired earnestly, " Yes, I know about your Nobel pursuit, but Iggy, how much fun have you had in your life? Or happiness?"
Sighing, I didn't relish a lengthy lecture from my Father about my social life. Often, he encouraged me to obtain a social life or a tiny part of one. He thought that when I became friends with Venkman, that would help, and it did a little for a short time.
"I don't know," I retorted and then recalled the entertainment I had with Janine dancing, getting ice cream, visiting the Arboretum, eating dinner on the roof, and attending the Gala. Quickly, my brain shut down those thoughts.
Rolling my eyes, I said, honestly, "I thought I was in love with Leslie, but now I realize I wasn't."
Drinking my tea, I felt the warm liquid go down my throat, comforting me.
"It's crystal clear to me that you...uhm "care" about Janine. I admit, she sounds like quite the catch," Father said, emphasizing the word care for some reason.
I nodded curtly, unsure what to say, and he inquired if Janine felt the same way.
"She did...but we haven't spoken since I went to Albany for a convention, then she had the stomach flu for a week. I have made some mistakes with her because of my control issues," I described and then paused to take another bite of the sandwich.
"What happened at the convention," he questioned.
"For the first time in my life, I ill-prepared for my presentation, and I looked foolish and unprofessional," I answered gravely.
"Why?"
"I forgot. The last two weeks, I have spent my free time with Janine after I threw Peter against the wall.."
"What happened there?"
Still disbelieving my actions, I explained the whole thing to my Father. The look of surprise on his face was evident, and he prompted me to describe my interactions with Janine.
Next, I discerned the date underneath the stars, taking her out to the Arboretum on her birthday and attending the gala the following Saturday.
"You must enjoy spending time with her," he commented with a cunning grin.
"Yes, but I forgot the convention and my presentations, Dad," I reminded.
"Is that Janine's fault? Did she know about it," he probed.
"Why do people ask me that?" I questioned exasperatedly and then added a long dramatic pause, "No."
"What's stopping you from progressing with Janine," he finally inquired.
"Several things, I think. First, I am scared of how intensely I feel about her; my feelings and emotions are out of control when I am with Janine and my... Uhm ...desires, too. I don't know what will happen with her- she is a gray area, and I don't like to be out of control. However, I don't want to be apart when I am with her. Thirdly, I don't know how to manage my career, Janine, and my desire for a Nobel," I complained exasperatedly. Viewing my frustration, he asked how I could receive the peace prize for my work, so I explained it.
"This could give you recognition then, and that is fantastic, Egon," he exclaimed eagerly, causing me to smile brightly at him. We spoke about the possibilities for a few minutes until he questioned me, baffled, " But, how does this affect you and Janine?"
Dad finished his sandwich first and then met my eyes before I gave him an example, "It already has. Would you believe it if I, your sensible son, told you that Janine persuaded me to dance to a punk rock band at a bar and that I enjoyed it immensely? Not even just liking it, I look back at that time and realize I loved it. I would do it all again just to be with her without any questions asked."
"That's love, son," he stated with a chuckle, softly, meeting my eye line, " I have been afraid that you might never experience it because of your stubbornness with your work that you get from both sides of the family. Plus, you fear losing control of your life like your Mom before we married. Now you have accomplished many things at thirty-four, and I am extraordinarily proud of you. Egon, it sounds like you are in love with her."
"Yes," I finally revealed. Although it felt strange admitting it to myself finally, it removed a heavy weight from my shoulders, metaphorically, and I grinned happily.
"And what happened when you talked to her last night?"
"We spoke about my fear of regretting the choices I made when I was growing up, and later, I asked if I could take her out on Sunday to make up for my ill-treatment of her. When I talk to her, Dad...she's an amazing listener...and when I am with her, whether it's on a date or just talking to her during the day, it feels so right. I don't know why, but it just does. This morning I woke up, and my brain began to repeat all control issues. It's so freaking irritating," I groaned, vexed, holding my head in my hands.
Dad offered some advice that I should trust my heart, reminding him that Mother had done the same thing when she fell in love with him because she was afraid she wouldn't achieve her dreams of obtaining a doctorate in Chemistry.
"One more thing, Egon, before we change the subject. I know you have dreamt of obtaining the peace prize for so many years, as did your Mom, Floyd, and I did, but sometimes, a person decides the things that are truly important in life aren't what they thought they were at first. Your Mom and I both believed that our family was more important even though we weren't outstanding parents by any stretch of the imagination, and possibly even neglectful, both of which are regretful. We are taking a more active role in our grandkids' lives as a result, and as soon as you want to start that journey, we are ready to spoil them," he joked, laughing.
" I am an extraordinarily long way from that if I can barely handle these powerful feelings for Janine and my problems. Besides, Mother reminds me of the fact that she wants more grandkids every time I speak to her on the phone," I answered, drily, with a smirk.
"Do I even want children," I questioned out loud, taking a sip of the delicious tea? My face turned pink out of embarrassment because that was supposed to be an inward thought. Father chuckled then advised wisely,
"In life, there isn't a way to avoid feeling remorseful about your actions, but as you age, you decide the most significant things, and they change over time."
After that, we talked about less essential topics.
The Third Week in December- a month later.
When I returned from Cleveland, I backed out of taking Janine out by calling her to let her know that I had work to complete instead. To say she was enraged was an understatement, and she promptly hung up the phone on me. It was my fault, and it was now acutely tense between us at work because I mistreated her. As a result, I shunned the guilty feeling in my heart and stuck with my new mantras-
"You are not in love with Janine Melnitz, and you don't have time for anything but science and your work. You don't believe in love- it's not something you can measure like science. You are in control of your life and your emotions at all times."
Straight away, Janine commenced seeing a man Peter's height, muscular with blonde hair and blue eyes named Lloyd. Once I overheard Ray inform Peter that Janine's new beau had been begging her to go out with him for a couple of months, but she refused because of me. At this point, I'm sure she felt that was a mistake at this point.
Lloyd sold insurance, made the lovely redhead petite lady from Brooklyn laugh, and began to take her out a couple of times a week. Also, like me, he was lovestruck with her. However, Lloyd happily saw her socially, whereas I was depressed and moody watching them together after her shifts. I wondered if she did that on purpose, but it didn't matter. Janine wasn't spiteful or mean-spirited.
All of this resulted from my actions to control my life. Worst of all, I was envious of how joyful Lloyd appeared to make Janine. Unfortunately, I discovered that I didn't just want her attention and affection; I needed it. The very control that I craved was slipping away from my hands very steadily and almost gone.
"Spengler, you have to do something. You aren't yourself," Peter complained when I made another simple mistake on an easy job trapping a specter in the Bronx. It was a cold wintry day with some snow falling lightly after the past few days of heavy snowfall. Shivering, I gave my friend a menacing glance.
"Cut me some slack, " I snapped at Peter, feeling sorry for myself after we completed the job. I put the ghost trap in the back with our proton packs and closed the trunk.
"Iggy, why did you do what I told you NOT to do- you ignored her and your feelings." He countered me, walking to the "shotgun" seat of Ecto One, and lit a cigarette with his lighter. Frustrated, Peter glared at me and then took a deep inhale of the smoking stick.
"I never said I was perfect. I make mistakes," I countered, opening the door to the back and plopping down into the back seat. Violently, I slammed the door shut, feeling my frustration increase steadily.
"Careful, Spengler, Ecto is a tenderfoot," Ray warned, with a smile as he placed the key in the ignition, and I grumbled out an apology. He nodded and turned on the heat in the car. Even though I had gloves on, my hands were cold, and I rubbed them together.
"You are self-sabotaging yourself, Spengs," Peter informed, "have you talked to your therapist lately about Janine?"
Truthfully, I hadn't gone to my therapist for at least three months because I felt like it wasn't helping at the time, but I recognized that I needed to find a new one now.
When I first met Venkman after he was in my class and became friends, he suggested therapy to help me with my extreme fear of social situations, lack of control in my life, and fear of not realizing my career goals. He did impromptu sessions on occasion with me after receiving his training, but usually, he provided names of different psychiatrist-friends over the years for me to call. Although I was skeptical about therapy at first, I now feel like it has helped me identify my emotions and frustrations with control issues. The on and off treatment through the years has helped.
"No, I stopped going in September because I didn't think it was helping me," I stated, a matter of factly.
"That was about the time you and Janine started up, right? That was a stupid time to quit, Iggy," Ray admitted, shaking his head and taking a cigarette out of his pack.
"Yeah, especially, your emotions are extreme at the beginning of a love affair, " Venkman added, "but if you don't think that one was helping, I can find you another one."
"I'm taking a break from therapy, Venkman," I replied annoyedly and put my head in my hands.
"But you need help. You agonize over Janine because you are in love for the first time. Isn't it significant enough to go to therapy? " he questioned.
"Yes, it is paramount, Venkman, and yes, I am in love with Janine. This is the first time in my life I have felt this way. Now she dates someone else because I have issues with fear about lack of control in my life, my workaholic tendencies, and fear of not meeting my dreams. But how is a therapist going to help with that?" I grunted, looking up from my hands for a second to see my friends' worried gazes at me, then placing my head back down.
"Well, J isn't marrying him or anything, Iggy," Ray added, " just be patient and wait for your opportunity."
"Why won't you let yourself be happy, Spengler? Venkman hypothesized, cracking the window to throw his cigarette out, then turned to face me, " Let's say you get your Nobel, a great research position at Princeton, would you be happy then? You may be in control of your life in all areas, but are you happy?"
"I don't know," I answered faintly. Ray shifted the car into drive, and we left for HQ. As we pulled into the firehouse, Janine was filing some papers in a green sweater dress that hugged her curvy body made of thick material with black leggings that defined her shapely legs and wore ankle-length boots. She looked like an elegant supermodel, and as I gulped for air nervously, I felt very desirous of her. Also, I felt my pulse rate increase rapidly and my heart pound in my chest.
"You look smitten, but that is your usual facial expression when you see Janine the past five or six months," Peter teased.
"Shut up, Venkman," I replied angrily, releasing the button on my seat belt. I felt my vexation levels rise as I clenched my hands into fists as I recalled her kissing Lloyd under the mistletoe at the little Christmas party we had on Friday night. As a result, my blood heated as I remembered the memory, and my heart ached tremendously.
"I want to be the only one that she kissed," I thought, "She appeared to be happy when they were kissing. My heart was breaking into a thousand pieces, but that was my fault."
Exiting the car, I opened the trunk to retrieve the ghost traps to deposit downstairs in the containment unit. I shook my head to remove my thoughts about Janine because they weren't helpful or productive.
"Made some moo-lah! Woo-hoo," Ray exclaimed, smiling, and I nodded distractedly.
We trapped two spirits today, and we made a fair amount of money. Our caseload had been steady, but it was more exhausting with the change in seasons and the days shorter. I felt a little weary and not ready to face Janine.
"Newton's first law states that every object will remain at rest or in uniform motion in a straight line unless compelled to change its state by the action of an external force," I thought.
As I walked by Janine's desk, she greeted me flatly with a slight smile on her ruby lips, and I mumbled something. Since I came back from Cleveland, we rarely spoke anymore.
Next, I went downstairs to drop off the ghost traps but didn't hear footsteps behind me. Preoccupied, I put the first trap into the containment unit and heard Janine call my name in her sweet voice. She stood halfway down the stairs, a worried expression on her dewy face. Gradually, Janine walked towards me then stopped a few feet in front of me, saying, in an agonized tone of voice,
"Are you ok, Egon? You look like you are going to punch something."
Observing Janine looking fresh and radiant, I stumbled over my words, attempting to avoid staring at her for too long,
"Uh... Uhm... Venkman said something to provoke me."
"If I had a dime for every time that he instigated an argument with me, I would be rich," she responded with a slight giggle. I didn't say anything but felt my heart melt when Janine did so, and I also felt touched by her concern.
"You have been pretty quiet lately and look like you aren't sleeping well," Janine observed correctly," I have been worried, but I didn't feel right about asking because of everything."
"Oh," I grumbled, cleaning the first trap, taking it out of the containment unit, and putting the second in it. I didn't know what else to say.
"You forget, Egon, I know you," she reminded me, stepping closer to me to put her hand on my arm.
Janine let her fingertips glide gently over the hair there, and she gazed up at me with her big bright smile, which mesmerized me. The electricity from her touch zapped me a bit, and I felt a little shocked. There was chemistry between us still, and I nodded at her as I felt the warmth of her hand on my arm. When Janine removed it, I felt a chill, and I noticed that her touch made my heart sing with joy.
"I know it has been odd between us, but..." Janine remarked, her beautiful blue eyes expressing genuine care, " do you... want to talk?"
Sighing, I thought about it for a few seconds and then shook my head because I had to shut this conversation down quickly to keep my emotions in check. I might be miserable, but at least I was in control of my actions. However, my breathing rate rose as I felt immensely anxious in this situation.
Janine's eyes bore down on me until I would look at her.
"What is wrong? You barely speak to me," Janine replied, tears appearing at the corners of her bright blue eyes. "I don't know what I have done... Honestly."
Sighing, I thought to myself, "You didn't do anything, Janine. It's me with the issues."
"Time to leave," I thought as I spun around on my heels. Quickly, I stopped walking when I saw her blocking the stairwell with her petite body and her arms stretched across the railings. As a result, my heart thumped sonorously in my chest.
"Egon?" she inquired after a long pause. The magnificent woman in front of me waited patiently.
"You didn't do anything, Janine...Uhm...I...don't ...like Lloyd," I stammered, then took a deep breath before continuing, "because I am jealous even though I don't have any right to be. Also, I have been agitated because you seem to enjoy his company quite a bit."
I shrugged embarrassedly. My face felt red and hot like a sunburn; then, I lowered my head to gaze at my feet anxiously. Meanwhile, my heart sonorously thumped as I had admitted my jealousy. Both of my hands began to shake as I began to sweat, although it was December.
Janine appeared like I dropped a bomb on her unexpectedly, and that admission shocked her as evidence with her mouth and pretty blue eyes wide open. For a minute, she stood flabbergasted without movement until she exclaimed, incredulously,
"What!?"
As Janine stood there, I fidgeted a little. She thought about what I had said for a minute and then questioned slowly,
"Egon, you had plenty of time to ask me on a date before I started dating him. You did ask me out when you were in Cleveland. But let's go back to Albany. When you came back there, something changed between us. What was it?"
Swallowing, I weighed my options about telling the truth and glanced down at my black shoes again.
"I talked myself out of pursuing you further," I replied, a matter of factly, lifting my eyes to her eye line.
"Yes, that is obvious, but why" Janine questioned irritatedly, tapping her right booted foot impatiently.
Both frustrated and nervous, I sighed heavily and turned away from her towards the containment unit, and I put the traps on the ground for the time being.
"I attempted to warn you, Janine," I reminded her exasperatedly, but I was more irked with myself than her.
"Yes, you did. I didn't realize that it was something that would happen so soon, though, Egon. How did I get in the way of your work in a week? You were out of town," Janine probed further, coldly, her hands on her hips. She was furious.
"First, I don't like gray areas in life, and you are one. You are an unknown in my life, and I don't like uncertainty. Second, I despise feeling out of control, and that's how I feel around you," I countered passionately, ticking the reasons off with my fingers, watching her reaction after I spoke. Her beautiful face registered extreme disappointment and agitation.
"Then you call me from Cleveland, apologize, ask me on a date, and then cancel? What the hell?"
Shrugging, I didn't have a response, which infuriated her.
"That doesn't make sense, Egon. You were scared, " Janine summarized angrily, her voice rising, "but now you are envious of Lloyd. Your jealousy doesn't make sense, nor is it fair. You made it clear that you cared about me at the gala, and you can't push me away one moment and then in another say you envy him. This is ridiculous."
"You asked me what was wrong, Janine," I replied flippantly, " and I told you."
Aghast, she stared into my eyes with an indignant expression on her face until walked upstairs to my office with the traps in my hand. As I hurried away, I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach.
"I desire to kiss Janine's lovely lips so she knows how deeply I feel about her and how crummy I feel about my recent behavior towards her," I thought to myself.
The conflicting feelings were tearing me apart inwardly.
Janine
Dismayed, I stood at the bottom of the stairwells. Egon's admission that he was jealous of Lloyd, and my whole body trembled in agony. When he was gone, I exclaimed, rhetorically,
"How dare he push me away like that and then be him!"
As if on queue, Ray popped up out of nowhere but didn't notice that metaphorically smoke was coming from my ears.
"Hey J, I didn't know where you were. I've been looking for you," my big brother announced innocently. "I was going to ask you if you wanted to try the new subway place for dinner."
"No, thank you. I am not hungry. Besides, I leave in a half an hour," I confirmed by looking at my watch in a mumble. My big brother withdrew from me with a puzzled expression.
"Oh, Egon Spengler is the most annoying man on earth," I clamorously declared after the door shut.
Rashly, I stormed up the steps and went to his office to see if we could finish the conversation.
"No, "I thought to myself angrily, "we will complete this discussion. He owes me that much!"
Both my body tensed up, and my rage heightened as I made it upstairs. My head hurt because of my increased blood pressure, and I exhaled to calm my nerves. Before I knocked on the half-opened door, I observed Egon unzipping his jumpsuit and stepping out of it.
Disregarding his attractiveness, I scolded myself,
"Damn it, Janine. Don't let your body betray you right now. You have every right to be angry with Egon right now,."
Knocking on the half-opened door, I strolled in and requested that we finish the conversation as casually and without emotion as I could.
My presence was unexpected and unwelcome by the expression on Egon's face, and I observed the circles underneath his eyes after he threw the jumpsuit on his sofa. Next, I sat down on the mahogany sofa in the corner.
"That was all I was going to say, Janine. I am sorry if that disappoints you," my former flame answered, both firmly and coldly, as he sat next to me. Egon's openness downstairs shut down quickly, like an on and off switch.
"When I asked you at the gala if you wanted me to leave you alone, you said you didn't," I remarked, still puzzled.
"Yes, " he coolly stated.
"Can you help me understand, Egon?" I inquired helplessly.
Egon repeated his statement from earlier, "Janine, I can't feel like my life is out of control or divide my time between two things."
" How did your feelings change that quickly within a week?"
A tear escaped from my right eye as I demanded of him, feeling hopeless, but I willed myself from weeping further.
Without warning, Egon reached for the hand of mine that was closest and rubbed it with his other hand softly. My heart jumped at his touch, and I felt myself feel the buzz of energy from his manly physique. I cherished the unexpected moment as the handsomest Ghostbuster caressed my hand with his thumb. Next, Egon confessed,
"No, Janine. Ahem. I care about you so much that it scares the hell out of me, but I can't have my life out of control...Also, you deserve a man who will treat you like the goddess you are. I don't want you to become resentful of my inattention or maltreatment of you."
"Why did you start anything with me in the bar in September if you knew it wouldn't work," I challenged, appalled by the statement.
With an extraordinarily noisy exhalation and with an adorably affectionate expression on his long handsome face, Egon revealed, "Because I'm ...Uhm..madly in love with you, Janine, and I couldn't resist you any longer. No matter how hard...Uhm... I tried."
The flood gates opened. As tears flowed down my face after he made this admission, his facial expression was one of earnestness and vulnerability. I felt my heart melt as I realized this was the declaration I had been waiting for countless months. However, I could tell he needed my reassurance, so I put my other hand on his knee and squeezed it. I smiled gaily at my love, Egon, feeling like a child winning the biggest prize available at their favorite game at a state fair booth after wiping my eyes with his previously proffered handkerchief.
"Is it true that you love me," I questioned to convince myself I heard him correctly, shivering.
"Yes, Janine. I didn't think I could fall in love, but then you entered my life," he revealed, softly and his brown eyes appeared misty.
"I am in love with you, too, darling, but II didn't want to scare you away with my declaration," I whispered as tears continued to fall from my face.
Grinning jubilantly, Egon moved his head towards me and put his forehead to mine as we examined each other's eyes up close for a while. His eyes were dancing elatedly, and that gave me chills.
I hoped he would kiss me, and the anticipation was killing me.
"Do you see how I am right now? This emotional side isn't me," he whispered sensitively," I haven't been in love before now, although I thought I was one time."
"Maybe it's just a side of you that you didn't know you had, darling," I said, sniffling with a small half-grin.
Suspiring heavily, the theoretical physicist agreed, "It horrifies me, Janine."
We observed each other, lost, for a long time, having a silent but intimate moment. Egon's beautiful eyes were full of unshed tears. Next, he moved back and removed his forehead from mine.
"You already did met someone else, Lloyd," he reminded gently, a tear escaping his left eye, and he wiped it away rapidly, embarrassedly.
" I don't just fall in love with everyone that I date, Egon," I argued irritatedly, "besides, I dumped him on Sunday."
"You did? Why?"
"Because... because...he's not...you..." I stammered, using my hands to emphasize the word you then reiterated, " I love you, and only you, Egon Spengler."
He put his index finger to my lips and treated me with a gorgeous grin because he was pleased with hearing my admission again. Egon's fingertips felt very soft as he caressed my lips, and I removed his fingers with my hand gingerly. I held his hand in mine, feeling happy by doing so, then leaned in to kiss him. Suddenly, Egon halted my attempt by pulling his body back, and I searched his brown eyes.
"Wha- what's wrong," I questioned him, my face turning fire engine red as I felt incredibly chagrined and misled.
"Why was he touching my lips if he didn't want to kiss me," I thought inwardly.
"I'm too much of a controlling person, and my brain isn't wired for a relationship, I think. I don't want to deal with the uncertainties, nor do I know how to. It's a disaster, and Inhave hurt you toI much already," he remarked angrily, moving away from me rapidly.
"Do you know how hard it is to find someone who feels the same way about you," I interrogated him incredulously, matching his fury.
"No, I don't know. It's something I hadn't considered before because this had never been an option for me, and I didn't want it or thought I needed it," Egon answered, his face turning red with an anguished expression.
"There isn't anything I can say to alter your decision, is there," I inquired after a while.
"No."
"Promise me a couple of things, Egon Spengler," I demanded after a taut yet long moment of silence.
"Anything."
"You will kiss me one last time if this is going to be it and tell me again how much you love me," I requested, peering into his eyes while my heart was shattering into tiny chards inside of my chest.
Egon stood up from the sofa, intently watching as I did the same. Breathless with anticipation, I felt dizzy as he put his large hands on my waist then embraced me tightly. I could hardly wait until he kissed me again because I have longed for it since he left for Albany. As usual, my heartbeat quickened alarmingly, and my breath hitched for a second as my love raised my chin with his right hand. As Egon gazed into my eyes, finally spoke the words that I longed to hear again,
"I love you so very much, my angel, more than anything in the world."
It was said so sincerely that a few tears squirted out of my eyes before our lips found each other, and I experienced the most extended, most fervid kiss in my life. It felt heavenly, and more importantly, it felt right. Later, Egon held me closely, and I sobbed.
"But you love science more, right? What am I to expect from you now? Are we boss-employee or friends or nothing? Do you want me to call you Dr. Spengler only now?" I inquired, slowly moving back from his warm arms, feeling hysteria coming on.
"Oh, Janine," he groaned, pulling me back in his arms. With my hands, I pushed away from
him.
"I have to know what to expect because this isn't a game, Egon; these are my feelings," I wailed,
"You are making this too tricky, Janine, " Egon pointed out, and I wondered suspiciously to myself how he was able to flip his emotions on and off so quickly.
"Too difficult? No, this is normal human behavior, Egon. Life is about learning how to balance things that you love. The fact that you aren't even willing to try to balance me in your life shows the lack of love you feel for me, despite you confessing otherwise," I madly countered, running to my desk to put my jacket on and retrieve my purse.
My heart was pounding in my chest, and my breathing was shallow as I realized I had to leave NOW.
"What the hell is wrong with him? Jealous? Like you didn't have a chance with me, then you shut down," I muttered, sobbing, putting my heavy winter coat on and gloves as it had been snowing all day.
"I'm leaving for the day," I reluctantly yelled after I gathered my belongings from my bottom desk drawer and sped walked to the door. Both my heart and head throbbed with pain as I opened the door. Then I saw the snow falling outside and felt mesmerized. For a second, the beautiful scene relaxed me a little as I loved watching the falling snow in the winter.
"Janine," Egon called from behind me in a tormented voice. He had followed me to the door and repeatedly called my name without me realizing it. I spun around slowly, observing him shudder from the open door as Egon dressed only had a black T-shirt and khaki pants. Then he closed the door, shutting my view and waking me up from the daze.
Without speaking, Egon very determinedly put his arms around my waist snugly and gave me a kiss that showed me how much he loved me. He apparently adored me immensely, and that one turned into many causing my heart to sing noisily with joy as we did so. Egon whispered in my ear with his voice full of emotion,
"I love you with all of my heart, my angel, Janine. I am willing to balance my two loves in my life, you and science. Please, please do not go."
My heart melted like butter with the kiss and his words as he pulled back from me to view my face in panicked anticipation.
"I love you ardently, Egon Spengler, " I fondly answered with a twinkle in my eyes, and then watched him tremble in the cold, " come on, let's go back to your office and warm you up."
End of Part One