So... I'm sorry.
For a lot of things, first of all for my dissapearance. It is true that i've been finishing my master's thesis but it is also true that my motivation did wane a bit too much, it's not that I'm thirsty for reviews but a bit of response to this story would be greatly appreciated to fuel a bit of my inspiration. I do have to thank profusely to ravenclawcathy, your beatiful words got me out of my funk.
Also sorry because im returning with a bit of necessary angst.
Just a reminder that this story is based in the universe of Chiquislover25 story "Daddy". With my own spin and a bit of differences but following a similar line of story. And of course none of these characters belong to me.
As for Jesse, he was already familiar with all these tormenting feelings, he already knew the extent of his love for certain high-strung and bossy brunette that he realized a long time ago was the love of his life – but because destiny liked to watch him beaten on the ground – would never be his to love.
That wasn't what was keeping him awake.
For once.
Neither were the rehearsals with Noelle – his new form of torment – that made him upgrade his three showers a day, since he began accompanying Rachel to pre-natal yoga, to five.
It was the words Rachel had said when calling out Mrs. Hudson and the ND lot last time they auto invited themselves.
Co-parenting
He wasn't awake at 3 am because the possibility scared him, it was because he was scared at how much he wanted it to be real.
Co-parenting
Those words bloomed a wish he had already been dreaming about. And is if hearing them out of Rachel's mouth, it was like the dam – guarding this dangerous and secret wishes – broke in his chest and now only existed pure and utter longing, burning and stinging him in every breath he took that night, while trying to sleep.
He couldn't believe that at his 22 years old, he was considering such a responsibility just out of the love he felt for Rachel Berry.
And at first it had been about Rachel, about picturing her alone taking care of a baby and without being able to achieve her dreams. That was something inconceivable, that girl had too much talent to be put on hold because of a one-time poor call of judgement, not using contraception that is – as much as he hated it, she had every right to spend the night with whomever she desired.
Which is why, his deep concern and admiration for her made him take action and try to help her keep afloat.
But somewhere along the way – between the multiple sonograms where he got to watch that baby move like he was in a 0 gravity chamber, suckle on his finger and become its own little person; him at one point being the only one that got him to move or calm down just by hearing his voice; the feeling of intimacy of being just the three of them whenever they spent time together, almost like a family – that made him begin to love the baby growing inside of Rachel too, even if it wasn't his, and it was Finn's.
It was a feeling that simply appeared naturally and silently inside of him, and before he could stop it, he loved that baby too.
The thought of this baby growing without a father. Watching the other kids in his daycare being picked up by their dads but never him, not having a dad to spend Father's Day with, or someone to watch football on the Superbowl.
That broke his heart.
Perhaps he was projecting his own emotional baggage, he had been the kid that never had a present father figure – neither a mother one, for that matter – but he knew the loneliness that came with it.
The feeling of searching for his father's face in an auditorium and the disappointment of not finding it, and the realization that all your friends could go to baseball games and spend the day with their dads, but you wouldn't because yours couldn't care enough about you to extricate himself from his damn work.
And loving that baby as he did, he didn't want him to ever know those feelings.
He was even considering taking him to football games, as much as it bored him, or even giving him a battery to honor Finn.
But at the end, as he had said in that table, the baby was also Rachel's, so that meant that it would be her decision. And Rachel accepting another man, other than Finn, as a fatherly figure for her baby was something that would never happen.
And once more, Jesse would have another person that he would have to love from afar.
Always from the sidelines.
Sometimes, he wished he had never met Rachel Berry.
The day of the rehearsal with the nudity aspect of the scene came. And it had been way worse than both had imagined, it was pure unadulterated torture.
When Melchior gave attention to Wendla's chest, and Jesse opened Rachel's blouse and revealed her perky breasts, he felt breathless and shivered slightly – she is perfect he thought – and when grabbed them with his hand and pinched her nipple, Rachel felt heady electric currents moving all around her body.
After she moaned "yes" – very emphatically this time – and Jesse pressed his lips against her nipples and kissed them, Rachel lost recollection of anything that happened later, she just moved and said her lines purely out of memory.
Just a fogy recollection of sultry sensations and moans.
Jesse was ended painfully hard and lightheaded by the time his mouth covered Rachel's taut and warm nipple.
And as he rocked his body over her, simulating penetration, Rachel grabbed him by his hair and with all the self-control in the world, she pulled only slightly, instead of yanking it out of desire for more of him as she truly wished to do.
Then her hands fumbled all over his back, hugging him, pulling him closer to her and inhaling that musky scent that was beginning to make her delirious with craving.
As he finished extricating himself from her embrace – only because of the pacing of the choreography – with his face contorted with pleasure, he exhaled a last breath.
"Great job guys! You did an amazing job, but most importantly, do you feel safe?" asked Noelle, bursting the bubble of lust in which both of them were currently in.
Rachel was breathless with her still exposed chest and Jesse was still in the process of regaining the ability to form a coherent thought, let alone speak. So, they both nodded and after a few seconds they both muttered a weak "Yes".
"Perfect, then I think we've covered the goals of these sessions so just remember your cues, I'll send you the video, so you can retrace your steps before next workshop, to which of course only you have access to it, and most importantly don't forget to talk to one another. It was great working with you guys, leave you to change" said Noelle, leaving the room oblivious of the inebriating torment both of them were in.
There's a video of that? Jesse thought after a while, Not touching that even if they paid me, he had limits in his own masochism.
They both looked at each other and blushed profusely.
"Uhm Rach, your blouse is still unbuttoned" Jesse managed to say embarrassed as he looked away. Which was ironic, in a future he would look and kiss her breasts at least 8 times a week. Oh boy, that's going to be a special kind of hell, isn't it?
Rachel's trembling hands immediately began to fight with her buttons clumsily, she still was collecting her thoughts and wasn't able to speak. Let alone coordinate movement.
Being touched by him had felt like an out-of-body experience.
She could still feel his hands gliding deliciously over her chest and his warm lips tracing the same path his hands took lighting her on fire. nd it made her aware of her own strong heartbeat and her skin tingle with ache to be touched over again, that would be something to muse over later though.
"Jesse, I…" she began, still not able to form articulate sentences but wanting to talk about what had happened in rehearsals to see if everything was cool between them.
She might have been able to admit to herself her own feelings for Jesse, but as she had also ended up thinking, she wasn't anywhere near being able to say them out loud, and she still didn't want to think of being with other people that were not Finn, even if it was with Jesse.
The intensity of what she felt for Jesse scared her, the thought of having, what felt like, stronger feelings for him than she ever did for anybody, send her in a spiral of guilt over Finn's memory.
She didn't want to actively search for something with Jesse and admit to herself that she loved him, not when things were fine as they were, and he was there for her. She didn't want to change things when they had an arrangement that seemed to work for the both of them.
"It's fine, Rach, we are professionals and this is what we do. No need to dwell too much on that, ok?" Jesse said with a bit more of composure now that he took a much-needed space between them, but still trying to muster everything in him to seem apparently unaffected, he really didn't want to talk about it. It was a "fake it till you make it" kind of situation.
After the painful realization of having to love, everyone he cared about, from a distance, he just felt emotionally drained and didn't have the energy to think on anything at all. He wanted to just lie low and move on autopilot for a while, and as soon as rehearsals finished, he had decided to keep Rachel at an arm's length and probably cut communication for a few weeks until he was able to look at her and not feel that pain in the center of his chest.
"Hey, so I have this big project due in two weeks for NYU, if I don't answer it's probably because of that. Text me to confirm the details of the 28-week sonogram Rach, see you in 2 weeks" he blurted out and bolted out of the room.
Because of course, his never-ending love for her butting in and not allowing him to disappear without any sort of explanation; he just wanted to lick his wounds, not inflict actual distress on her by making her think he was ghosting her.
Leaving a confused and flustered Rachel in the room.
That's odd… she thought to herself.
It had been 4 days since she had any form of communication with Jesse when she texted the date for her appointment, and he answered with a short "mkay :)" which was 3 days later after the last rehearsal they had with Noelle. So basically 7 whole days without any notice from Jesse, and she was starting to lose her mind, she missed him like crazy.
She felt the need to call him at least 6 times a day, whether to know how he was, to have an actual conversation with him or to at least hear his voice.
If she didn't know he was working in his project for his course at the NYU, she would suspect he was voluntarily ignoring her, her texts were answered two days later with a short answer but never followed through. He usually texted her back within 5 minutes, 1-hour tops, now it took almost 48 hours.
And what made matters worse was her baby kicking the hell out of her ribs, bladder or other organ near him. She was sure the baby missed Jesse just as much as she did.
Not having Jesse by her side every waking hour, like they frequently were, made her antsy. She noticed she was continually rubbing her belly, not to calm the baby but herself, or she was distracted most of the time thinking about what he was doing.
She felt as if this had been the longest week of her life and not hearing from him was taking a toll on her, she knew she was cranky and snippy, but she couldn't help herself, missing Jesse made her irritable.
Kurt had learned his lesson and stepped out of her way whenever she came into the room after she threatened to flush his skin care products down the toilet when he breathed so close to her. As for Santana, the girl refused to cower like Kurt and most of the time ended in big fights that ended with Rachel storming out to her room in her typical theatrical way.
"Seriously Berry what's gotten up your ass, you are more intolerable than ever" said Santana after their 4th fight in that week.
"Nothing" she muttered annoyed again. "Just a bad week"
"Haven't seen your curly boy toy much, what's he doing" said Kurt in an effort to deflect attention from Santana and avoid the impending round two of the previous fight over who finished Rachel's tea. Not aware that the absence of said curly boy toy was the origin of her bad mood, he didn't know that he made things worse.
"Where is he? It's been ages since he's been here, you are usually joint at the hip like weird Siamese twins" said Santana in a biting remark. But going down that road was a stupid decision with Rachel's state of anguish.
"He has some project to finish for his classes, so he is busy" said Rachel through with a tight jaw, already feeling the irritation from his disappearance and from having to share this with her friends.
"Oh, that's what got you like a bitch on wheels?" snickered Santana loudly.
"Santana, I feel you screaming at my ear, back off" said Rachel now feeling her muscles tense and clenching her fists.
"Oh, that's motherhood for you Yentl, get used to it" she replied with her arms crossed, not intimidated a bit.
"Do you have to be impossible all the time?" snipped back Rachel, standing from her seat with her clenched fists by her side and stomping her foot on the ground.
"Santana if you say I'm just keeping it real I'm going to throw you this spoon" said Kurt tired of this constant fight between them, it was starting to get on his nerves and affect his mood.
"Try it doll face, and you'll get a taste of Lima Heights" Santana menaced squinting her eyes. "Do you like repeating patterns, Berry? You are like a ping-pong ball, it's either Finn or Jesse for you. Meet new people, at least that way we can see a new storyline in your monotone love life".
"That's harsh Santana" answered Kurt, trying to take Rachel's side, not because he didn't agree with the Latina girl but because he could already see Rachel on the verge of launching towards her neck. A bloodbath seemed to be the only outcome, despite his best efforts to keep it peaceful lately.
But him taking Rachel's delusional side only fueled Santana even more, remembering a certain piece of information she found when she ruffled through Rachel's things in the morning. She had planned to use that video in a future for extortion or something in her favor, but right now Rachel was seriously unbearable, and she wanted to shut her up and make her small and retreat to a corner, so she could get off of her high horse.
"But I do get why you are so clingy to St. Douche though, you know, I was spying through your stuff and found an interesting video of one of your rehearsals" said Santana with a devilish grin and Rachel face turned ashen and tightened her shoulders giving Santana a frightful look. "Cat got your tongue, porn star?"
Kurt looked at Rachel's pale face and tensed posture, the girl was stiff as board.
"What do you mean" asked Kurt now curious with an arched eyebrow but cautiously, knowing that he should be defusing the situation instead of giving to his impulses to gossip.
"What Mia Khalifa here failed to tell us was what her play was really about" snorted Santana through narrowed eyes and a devilish grin.
"Shut up!" Roared Rachel "You wouldn't know what art is, even if it hit you in the face, Santana".
"Call it what you want, but that's a porn video wherever you look at it" she said back, "But now I get your infatuation to St. Jerk face though. I'm impressed Berry, it took you less than a year to forget Frankenteen, you just had to spread your legs for the guy".
Rachel saw red, and her hand moved out of its own volition towards Santana's face, the sound of the slap erupted through the loft and Kurt just stared at this astonished and speechless.
"Never repeat what you just said, you hear me?" shouted Rachel through a clenched jaw with a red face and flaring nostrils. "I usually ignore your bullying, but you've crossed a line today, Santana. I'll spend the night somewhere else, ok? God, I can't even see you right now."
It took Rachel 20 minutes to stuff her things in her bright pink suitcase, and then 30 minutes to reach the only place where in her distressed state of mind she could run to.
She knocked on the door a bit too forcefully and in less than 5 seconds Jesse's face appeared in her line of sight when he opened the door.
She launched towards his arms and sobbed. Rachel felt as if her soul had returned to her body after a week of not having him close to her whether to talk, to goof around with him or to be embraced by his arms; something that she had only felt before with Finn.
"Can I stay with you for a while?" she asked with a small voice muffled in his chest that send a pang to Jesse's heart.
"Of course," he didn't even need to think it twice, it was out of reflex and pure concern at seeing how disturbed she was.
Guess I'll never get her out of my system, he thought with a resigned smile and just relished on the feeling of Rachel in his arms after 7 long days.