16 YEARS LATER
The events in this chapter are actions that took place in parallel with chapters 20 and 22 of the Berry-Lopez and Fabray Saga, respectively.
(Shelby)
I put on my glasses and turned on my computer. Google was my homepage, and I quickly typed in the keywords "Juan Lopez surgeon". His profile came up again on the page of the Lima Memorial Hospital, which was the largest in the region, and which used to take all the most delicate cases from the neighboring towns. Lima was a lackluster town, and much of it was made up of a huge oil and chemical industrial field. Frankly, that city only really existed because of that. Half of the city's jobs came from these multinational companies that operated there. For that same reason, a lot of money was also circulating in that town, which even had an elite school barely disguised as a public school, financed basically by the members of the country club and the small Jewish society that was also there. The name of that school was Carmel High.
The hospital page showed Juan's picture. He was the same handsome man I had met 17 years ago, only older. If I remembered correctly, he must have been about 45, and from the photo I could see that he was aging like wine. The profile said he was the General Surgeon and Surgeon-in-Chief of the hospital, a position he had held since 2008, meaning he had recently ascended the ranks. I figured Juan would stay in Cleveland, or move to a city as big as after his residency. I had no idea what happened in his life to make him return to the city he grew up in in the United States, and I was curious to know the reasons. This information was all that could be found about that family with the help of the internet. There wasn't much data available on Hiram Berry. I didn't know what the girls' names were. I had no clue other than that they most likely lived in Lima with their parents.
Frankly, I accepted the offer from Carmel High on an impulse. After I won my first national title as a performing choir director from Newark Catholic School in New Jersey, I started getting very financially interesting offers from other schools that had strong arts programs. I tried, but Broadway didn't happen, and I never got anything better than ensemble or swing positions in Broadway shows, or understudy or secondary roles in off-Broadway shows. On my resume there are plays like The Secret Garden, Les Miserables and Titanic but always in those secondary positions. I was Indina Menzel's understudy for six months as Maureen in Rent, but she was so disciplined and so professional, there were few occasions that I replaced her. But, boy, what a sensation to be at a stage in New York. It's the best drug I ever tried.
In those years of struggle, I still had to chase to complete my education. I graduated from CUNY and qualified to teach.
After ten years of struggling, without getting the role that would elevate me to the stars, with my 30s on my face and legs, I chose to leave that career and try another more stable one behind the spotlight. At first I started out as a vocal coach for some younger actors, then I had a job offer brokered by a friend of mine for me to teach singing and theater at Newark Catholic School. I also took over the performing choir and in my first year as director, I led the group to be national champions.
It was never my dream, but I became a successful professional who could negotiate good contracts. I was ready to stay in Newark, when I got a very financially interesting offer from Carmel High, Lima, Ohio. What caught my attention wasn't the school, but the town in which the school was located. I agreed to work in Carmel on a one-year contract only, because my major goal was to research Juan Lopez's family, chief surgeon at Lima Memorial Hospital. Before I even arrived in Lima, but already with an agreement with Carmel, I hired a private detective who collected data and photos in less than a month. It was a relatively thin folder, but it gave me general information on each of them.
That's when I got more details of Juan Lopez, and I was surprised that he had become a famous doctor for doing several academic publications on post-surgery care in patients with diabetes. Juan was a reference on the subject. Hiram Berry had a less glittering professional life: he became a professor at the Community College of Lima and also worked as a consultant for agricultural producers in the region. The girls' names were Santana Liza Berry-Lopez and Rachel Barbra Berry-Lopez, and they both attended William McKinley High, which of the high schools in town was far from the best. Something must have happened for the girls not to be in Carmel. I saw the picture of the girls and they were beautiful.
In the dossier, the detective said Santana was a cheerleader and her school records showed she was a math prodigy. It was strange to think that a super smart girl would want to be a cheerleader, but I would find out the reasons later. Santana was beautiful and looked a lot like Juan. It also said that she was considered the oldest of the twins. Meaning the little girl I held right after birth was Santana. It made sense. Juan must have chosen her name because I had wanted to call my daughter Liza, and the choice for Santana was pretty obvious to me. Juan was a big fan of the guitarist Carlos Santana.
Rachel looked like my mother. She had more delicate features than mines, like my mother. She definitely had Hiram Berry's nose, unfortunately. But looking at the photo, Rachel was like looking at a photograph of my mother and consequently she had a lot of me in her too. The dossier said that she was very connected to the arts, that she had been part of the amateur theater in Lima, that she had attended many dance and singing classes and had even won regional children's singing competitions. I had the address, I had the phone number, but I wouldn't approach the family or the girls without a good plan. So for the two months I was in town, I never tried to contact any of them.
I chose to live in an apartment in Lima that was close to the country club and opposite the industrial sector of the city. It was a great apartment, new and functional, in a very suburban area and very pleasant to live in, completely different from the urban chaos I used to live since leaving home at 18. Carmel High was an excellent school, with a distinctive structure. I knew their performance choir from competitions, and they were always extremely hard to beat, so much so that they were the current national champions. When I took over as choir director, I also took over as drama teacher for a group that wasn't as bright as the singers and dancers. I had been in town for just over two months and hadn't even unpacked my moving boxes yet.
I looked at the clock and it was almost time to leave.
William McKinley High was home to the New Directions choir, directed by... Emma Pillsbury? I'd never heard of this woman, because I'd been told that the director was a guy named William Schuester, who was in charge of this choir when they qualified for the local division. It was rumored that the winner of that local division would go on to compete against Carmel in the state division. Since my future competitor was there, it was my obligation to check it out. Besides, I knew Rachel was in the choir.
I picked up the program and the first thing that caught my eye were the names of the students in the choir. I expected to see Rachel Berry-Lopez's name, but I was surprised to see Santana Berry-Lopez's name as well. I felt elation, palpitations and an anxiety in that moment that I cannot describe. My daughters were there, and they would be singing in a performing choir. I had to dry my tears with anxiety.
When it was New Directions' turn to perform, I saw that powerful-voiced girl enter the auditorium from the opposite side. She was singing Don't Rain on My Parade with an unbelievable precision for a 16-year-old girl: a precision I never dreamed of having at the same age as her. And that girl... she was my picture, only better. I saw her performing in the auditorium and that's how I was seeing myself in the mirror. I wiped my tears after that thunderous finale, with that girl holding the note like she was a Broadway veteran. I was ecstatic and gave her a standing ovation like everyone else.
Her group came in to do the second song, and of all the faces there, there was one girl with light brown skin and Latin features that I had only seen in a photograph. She was simply stunning, dancing and harmonizing her vocals with joy, while behaving like the cool girl in school. I didn't need much to know that this girl was going to be a lot of work.
At the end of the performances, which I would rate from bad to mediocre overall, I spotted Rachel. I wanted to talk to her just to say "hi" and praise her performance, which was the best of the day. Far superior, even, than her own group's performance. But as I was getting close, I realized that Rachel and a boy who was also the soloist of that choir, was heading towards a well-known face and that he couldn't see me there at all. Hiram was there, but I didn't see Juan.
I would have to be patient. At the exit of the auditorium, there was a makeshift bar so that the parents of those children and the audience could have a few cocktails and leave some money for the school, as was often the case at those choir competitions. I leaned against the counter and ordered a dry martini. It was too early for that, but I didn't care, because as soon as I got home, I would be drunk as hell. That's when a scene caught my eye. I saw that the Latina girl from New Directions was about to hit the poor bartender. Without the darkness of the auditorium and with the natural light, I noticed that this girl was even more beautiful in person.
Santana had her father's eyes. She was about my height, maybe even slightly taller, but no more than a few inches. Because of the way she gestured more with her left hand, maybe she was left-handed just like me. Was it possible to fall in love with someone at first and second sight? I fell in love with that little girl in the few minutes I saw her and held her in my arms right after she was born. I was falling in love all over again with the 16-year-old teenager who was right there in front of me.
"What the hell!" She grumbled for all the world to hear. "I just wanted root beer... and no alcohol on top of that."
"Root beer?" I approached trying to be casual. I was quite nervous, but I used my skills as an actress to appear casual
"Yes!" She still looked very annoyed. "A fucking root beer. They only sell it here in this fucking bar with shitty service."
"And why don't you have a juice? Sodas and juices are sold in the cafeteria. I bet you'll have no problem buying them."
"Because I want a fucking root beer. My team just won the damn competition and if I can't celebrate with a real beer, at least let it be with a fucking non-alcoholic root beer. Is that too much to ask?" This scared me a little, because this beautiful 16-year-old teenager had just confessed, even if without realizing it, that she already consumed alcoholic beverages. At her age, I was doing the same, but I had a reason for it. What was her excuse?
"You say 'fucking' too much." I saw that it was backfiring a bit with my tone of voice scolding her. I would be scared of myself too because it came naturally to me. "And you're too young to be talking about drinking beer."
"I just wanted to be served, okay?" She lowered her voice, as if she needed to back off.
"Friend!" I decided to help her. "May I have..." O looked at her and Santana showed me four fingers. "Four root beers without alcohol?"
"Yes ma'am!" The bartender handed me the cans and I felt like that girl just barely stuck out her tongue and made a face at the poor bartender.
"Thanks!"
"Shelby Corcoran." I introduced myself and extended my hand to her. My left hand, and she promptly greeted me without hesitation with her left hand. Yes, she was left-handed. I also wanted to see if my name caused her any reaction, but nothing came, which was a sign that Hiram and Juan, whatever story they told her, never mentioned my name.
"Santana."
"Santana Berry-Lopez?"
"How do you know?"
"Your name is written in the program as a member of New Directions, from William McKinley High."
"Oh! And you noticed that? Names of people you've never seen?" Santana stopped to think for a second and looked at me with a very curious expression, squinting her eyes a little and frowning, just like I used to do myself. I don't know if I was doing too much reading in the hope of finding things in her that came from me. "Look, lady, I'm telling you, it's not gonna happen, okay?"
"What?" I was confused.
"I don't know why you pay attention on my name on a flyer, but I'll tell you right now that I don't go around flirting with older people. With all due respect, you're a pretty lady, but I'm not like that. Maybe in about four years when I'm a sophomore in college and I'm bored..."
It was so absurdly surreal that I burst out laughing. Oh, Santana Berry-Lopez, if you only knew...
"You're in an high school's choir competition and you've never heard of me?"
"With all due respect, ma'am, should I?"
"Shelby Corcoran? Never? I'm the vocal coach and director of the Vocal Adrenaline choir in Carmel. We'll be meeting in the next round of the competition."
"So you're here to study your opponent?"
"Yes. I need to identify who are the strongest players in your team, your best features, your weaknesses. The soloist... Rachel Berry-Lopez... she's your sister, correct?" There was no indication of a soloist in the program, but I hoped she wouldn't observe that detail.
"Unfortunately..."
"She's a great singer. You have chosen the soloist well. The boy is weak. He doesn't compromise, but he's weak. Don't you think?"
"That's an opinion I wouldn't share with the opponent."
"You're smart, Santana Berry-Lopez."
"Something tells me you're pretty smart yourself, Shelby Corcoran. Thanks again for your help." She smiled in a calculated way and left.
I watched Santana go to meet her friends. She gave the bottles to each classmate and then stood hugging a friend who was blonde and taller than her. That's when I saw Hiram, Rachel and the boy soloist leave the auditorium. I couldn't risk standing there any longer and being recognized by him. That would ruin my plans. I turned my back on them and left as quickly as I could. It was too much excitement for one day anyway.
...
(Juan)
I was happy to get all the surgery schedules done for the next three days. I was itching to get home and enjoy my days off. Being chief was great for the career, but it wasn't necessarily a pleasant job. Because in addition to dealing with the entire surgical staff of the hospital, there was the bureaucratic work and especially the social and political work that I hated. There was a financial board at the hospital that managed that part, but I was the one who had the final say when it came to cost authorizations on anything involving the surgical area. Worse than my position had to be that of the hospital's general director. That position was held by none other than Aaron Parker, who was a born negotiator and politician. Frankly, I only accepted this position because the salary gain was considerable and because it was an important step in my career. But I wasn't willing to hold the position of Chief Surgeon for long.
I ended up moving back to Lima because of my mentor. Aaron Parker was a shareholder and part of the board of an investor foundation that bought the Lima Memorial Hospital. As a consequence, he moved his entire team to the city to set up a surgical center of great excellence with significant sponsorship from multinational companies in Lima. Lima Memorial Hospital has become a referral center in Ohio. Another reason I accompanied Aaron Parker to Lima was because of my family. I could better assist my mother, who had a difficult time after she was widowed. And it was also because of the girls. Lima was a much quieter and safer city than Cleveland or another large urban center. It was perfect to rise kids.
The girls had just turned three when we moved to Lima. Hiram suffered from the move. And that caused the second major crisis in our marriage. Since he was living with me in Philadelphia, and then in Cleveland, our agreement was that after my residency we would move to Florida, where he wanted to do his specialization. But the truth was that we had two children and I had much better career stability than he did. I was getting a much better salary and I was learning to be a great general surgeon from one of the best general surgeons in the United States. I couldn't give that up and I would never give up my girls either. Santana was my biological daughter anyway, and I would fight for Rachel's custody with all my might. But in the end, Hiram gave up all the emotional blackmail and gave up Florida to come with us. I feel bad that I caused this damage to my husband, but I had the conviction that I did the best not only for myself, but also for the girls.
Hiram eventually found help in the city's Jewish community, and because of it that my husband found his spiritualty again. It was in Lima that he set foot in a synagogue again and put on the kippah after a decade away from his religion. This was very good for Hiram and for us because reintegrating into the religion made him rebalance as a person. Hiram stopped smoking completely, started drinking less, and became a more centered guy. So much so that I didn't even mind when he decided that Santana and Rachel would also be raised by the precepts of Judaism.
Santana and Rachel grew up free, running around the parks, flying kites, playing soccer, dancing and singing. Even though Santana was a major cause for concern because of her status as a child of high intelligence, the private math tutoring she did never stopped her from being a smart, free spirited kid who was always mischievous around the neighborhood with her sister and her best friend Brittany. I always demanded discipline, respect, and responsibility from them, and Hiram played the role of good cop, so we were able to balance our roles in raising them. I was the strict one, and Hiram was the open, cool dad. Santana and Rachel had their two cousins and a bunch of friends to play with, and I relied on my mom and sister Maria for help whenever needed.
Hiram raised the girls within Judaism, but I made sure to share my South American origins with them. They learned to speak Spanish fluently to the point that sometimes we could spend an entire day speaking only that language. My marriage with Hiram improved a lot after the girls were born. I can say that, apart from the moments of real crisis, we were very happy until a certain point. However, two years on, things have changed. Hiram and I were no longer on the same page, our sex life was almost non-existent. Although I still loved him very much, we were already talking about the possibility of splitting up. We were waiting, however, for the girls to leave for college and start living an independent life of us. Then we would sell the house, split the money and each start life over as it fit. It's not that I was already looking for someone else to be in a relationship with: I wasn't. I had plenty of opportunities, but I never cheated on Hiram again after all these years.
Like it or not, Hiram and I being a gay couple has made Santana and Rachel thick-skinned. We turned something that could be shamed and bullied into something to be proud of. Hiram and I couldn't just blow it up, so we were together especially for them. Rachel was eerily similar to Shelby, both physically and artistically inclined, but she was centered, had set goals, and she wasn't a big fan of being out in nature, just like I was. Santana was Hiram's daddy girl. They got along perfectly. They enjoyed being in nature, were hyperactive and naturally intelligent. Regardless of what the future held for Hiram and me, we were proud to have raised two extraordinary girls, each in their own way.
So that afternoon I was happy to get home and enjoy my week off. I wanted to just chat a bit with the girls even though they were at an age where they weren't really interested in spending time with their old men. I would certainly stay away from the books, I could jog a bit in the park and go to the movies. Avatar was on and the girls said the 3D technology was spectacular and innovative. I was itching to sleep more than eight hours straight.
But then I get home and find a bleak scene. Santana and Hiram were sitting at the kitchen table. Santana was crying and Hiram was consoling her. The first thing I figured was that something happened with Brittany or there was a problem at school, because if it was anything else involving Rachel, my mom or my family, they would have called me on my cell phone by now.
"Hey." I got both of their attention. "¿Qué pasó esta vez?" I said in Spanish because I wanted a straight answer from my daughter, since the problem seemed to be with her.
"The egg donor happens to be named Shelby Corcoran?"
I froze. Shelby Corcoran... there was a name I hadn't heard anyone pronounce in about 16 years.
"What?" I frowned. "What happened?"
"Shelby Corcoran is in town, and she's contacted the girls." Hiram dropped the news like a bomb.
"What?" I repeated the question to my amazement, this time louder and more incredulous.
"She didn't come to you?" Hiram said suspiciously and it was as if I had seen the old jealous, accusatory Hiram again.
"Of course not! The last time I saw Shelby was when she was released from the hospital after giving birth to the girls."
That was true, Shelby was in the hospital for two days to recover from the births and after that she was released. That was the last time I saw her. I imagined that I would see her name in some news story about a big Broadway show or that she would star in some movie, but nothing came of it. Then I was so overwhelmed by my responsibilities as a doctor and a father that I just stopped thinking about her, as much as Rachel was practically Shelby's picture.
"What do you mean Shelby is in town and has contacted the girls?" I was genuinely confused.
"Miss Corcoran is the artistic and vocal director of Carmel High's Vocal Adrenaline choir." Santana explained to me. "Rachel went over to spy on one of the rehearsals and I'm not sure what happened. I didn't understand how she found out that Miss Corcoran was the egg donor. All I know is that when I got there to pick up Rachel, she dropped the bombshell that Miss Corcoran was our mother, and Miss Corcoran didn't deny a word about it."
"What did Shelby do?"
"Basically, she ran out."
"Oh, Santana mi hija. Lo siento mucho." I hugged my daughter. "Where is Rachel?"
"Locked in her room." Hiram explained to me. "She doesn't want to talk to anyone. You know Rachel... I think I'll schedule another trip to the psychologist." I was in shock. Not as much as the girls, I assume, but I was absolutely in shock. "Juan. We need to talk... library?"
The library was one of the places of discussion in that house, because it was soundproofed. Just like I had soundproofed in between the bedrooms and also the basement of our house. That way the girls were free to listen to loud music whenever they wished without driving the rest of us crazy and vice versa. I let go of my daughter and accompanied my husband to the library, and I confess that my legs were terribly heavy on the way there from the kitchen.
"Are you sure you..."
"Hiram, you can stop right there. I didn't know any of that. Shelby Corcoran is a name I haven't heard in 16 years."
"She broke our pact of honor. Worse, she broke a contract! I'm calling our lawyer immediately."
"What difference does it make?" I tried to reason with Hiram. "Rachel has always wanted to know who her mother is, and she's 16. I think she's mature enough to handle it. I believe she's mature enough to sit down with Shelby and talk to her, just as we are mature enough to manage this situation rationally."
"Do you think I'm being unreasonable?"
"Yes, you are acting out of anger and hurt, Hiram. Anger and hurt at what Shelby represented to our marriage 16 years ago."
"Anger and hurt? We're talking about the woman you fucked and made a daughter in her."
"Which presumably you did too."
"Don't twist the facts."
"Okay, Shelby's in town and met the girls. She broke the rules. So let's deal with it."
"Can't you see this is a rigged situation, Juan?"
"Of course it's a rigged situation, Hiram! Of course I think Shelby wouldn't come to work in a city like Lima without a purpose! The point is, we need to meet with her and figure out what the fuck that purpose is and then act accordingly."
"She wants the girls, obviously. Maybe you."
"Zero chance of that happening." I sat in my favorite armchair in that library. "Let's talk to her and we'll resolve this situation without the need for lawyers, contracts, and all that useless stuff. Let's settle this like adults, please."
"Zero chance of that happening." Hiram repeated my sentence, slightly mocking my face. "Grown people know that actions have real consequences, Juan."
"Fine, do as your conscience dictates. But don't expect me to condone your actions."
"I don't expect anything from you, Juan. Not when you are eager to jump out of this marriage."
"We have an agreement, Hiram!"
"One that is extremely convenient for you."
"It's what we have for now, and it's for the girls."
"Our agreement stands, Juan. But if Shelby comes into this equation, I guarantee you I will make your life and hers a living hell, and I will take custody of the girls."
"You can't be serious."
"Don't underestimate me. Have you ever thought how painful it would be for them to go through the custody dispute process?"
Hiram came out of the library and I was struck in the negative sense. It had been a long time since his vengeful side had surfaced like that and it was absolutely terrifying to witness. It was like this demon had been trapped inside him, only to burst out like an explosion in my face at that moment. I was baffled.
What happened between Shelby and me was 16 years ago. I've moved on and don't harbor any anger or resentment towards her, no matter how much money she demanded to give up Santana's custody. That was water under the bridge. What I experienced with Shelby was brief and beautiful, and that was my memory of her.
I didn't imagine that Hiram would still resent it, not least because I myself no longer resented all the times he was unfaithful. We lived very happy years with the girls, we traveled the world and experienced many adventures. We are a happy family, even though Hiram and I no longer have an active sex life, but we make up for it with love and friendship. The fact that I no longer felt sexual attraction to Hiram never had to do with Shelby or any other woman. It just happened over the years and with routine. Shelby was never a shadow to me, but apparently she was a shadow to him, in which Hiram bore in silence. I could only grieve for myself, for him, and for the girls.
…
(Shelby)
I don't have a lot of explanation for why I had a panic attack in that auditorium with Rachel. It just happened. Rachel started talking about her parents' care for her, the water glass story, and it just short-circuited my feelings. Because it was like throwing in my face everything I had missed. Their first steps, their first words, their first day at school: everything that was taken away from me because I signed a contract agreeing to disappear from their lives for 18 years. The conversation with Rachel was like throwing the biggest mistake of my life back in my face again, again, and again. For me, attempting my Broadway career wasn't a mistake. For me, completely giving them up was my mistake. I could have thought of a contract back then that would have given me the right to see the girls, to visit them, that would have given me the right to tell them that Mommy loved them, even if I lived in another city. That was my panic attack, my biggest regret. I ran out because I didn't want to have a crying crisis in front of Rachel and Santana.
I was devastated because all my expectations went down the drain about my daughters. I really wanted to be able to meet them and be friends with them.
Rachel has the same dreams as me and a talent far greater than mine. I'm sure she could use my experience in New York to guide her. Santana was still a mystery to me, and her suspicious nature told me that I would have a hard time getting close to her. But I also knew it was just a matter of being patient. All of that, however, might just not happen after Hiram came to my office in Carmel and threatened to even go to court to get a restraining order to prevent me from getting close to any of them, even Juan. Hiram promised to put me in jail and throw away the keys. And the worst part is that I was aware that he had all the legal apparatus to do so.
I thought Juan was in full agreement with his husband until I received a phone call from him. It was a quick conversation setting up a date. He chose a completely impersonal place: lunch at a restaurant called Breadstixs, which was quite popular in town. That restaurant looked like a diner with an upgraded menu. There was really nothing fancy about it, and the menu showed that the food there was cheap. I sat down at a table, ordered a sparkling water and a lemon band, and waited for Juan to arrive. He was about ten minutes late. When he got into the restaurant, he greeted the waitresses, waved to a few people and finally found me.
I understood why he had chosen that restaurant. He wanted our meeting to be as public as possible, to show that he had nothing to hide by wanting to talk to me.
"Shelby Corcoran." He nodded to me and sat down at the table in the seat across from me. It had been 16 years since I had seen that man in person. Juan looked really good, he was thinner, unshaven, which I didn't like because it made him look older. Anyway, he was apparently very well and still handsome. "How long!"
"Sixteen years, to be exact."
"Yeah... funny, it seems like yesterday we were saying goodbye at the hospital." He saw what I was drinking and I could see the little smile at the corner of his mouth. "Well, Shelby, I'm here on a peace mission. I know what Hiram did. I don't think he told me everything or the whole truth, but I have a pretty good idea of the damage he must have done by finding you."
"Do you agree with him?"
"No, I don't agree with Hiram."
The waitress, who was an older lady, greeted Juan and asked if he would like his usual drink. He said yes and I almost laughed when she immediately grabbed the tray from the counter with sparkling water, the lemon band and a sachet of sugar.
"I'm here, Shelby, because I want to understand your side of the story and because I care about my daughters. I expected you to contact us in a couple of years, when the girls turned 18, but this early really surprised me. What happened?"
"Well... I got a really good job offer to come and work in Lima and I decided to go over my own fears and promises I made to myself and I googled your name. I was surprised when I found out that you were living here. And if you were here..."
"The girls would be here too."
"It was a big possibility. I decided to take the job offer from Carmel High, and Lima is not that big a city. You're the chief surgeon of the biggest hospital in the area and the girls... my god, the girls are in a choir! Rachel is the soloist."
"All right, but did you have to put on all this game? All you had to do was come to me first. Shelby, if you had come to me first, we could have brought you together in a more subtle way... I could have introduced you as an old friend of mine, without telling them who you really are. You would have the chance to get to know each other little by little."
"Juan, I don't even know what went on in my head. I'm sorry."
"The girls were very confused. Santana is tough, but Rachel is very sensitive. It really messed with her. I was honestly worried about mi estrellita."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause that damage. It wasn't how I imagined it would happen because... Juan, I had never seen Rachel until the day she sang at the local competition. And Santana... I only held her for a few minutes right after she was born. That is my strongest, happiest, most powerful memory. I don't know... I'm 37 years old and I'm alone in the world. I haven't managed to start a family, I've never been married, I've never had a relationship with a man that was really meaningful or long. I went to a psychologist once and she asked me why I was self-sabotaging? I think deep down I wanted a dream that was impossible."
"I'm sorry about that, Shelby. I'm sorry you didn't get to achieve that part of your life. But I also need to say that as much as I sympathize with you, as much as I understand your needs, I am a father to Rachel and Santana Berry-Lopez first and foremost. My obligation is to look out for the welfare of my daughters first. And everything that has happened leads me to agree with Hiram on some points. I'm not as radical as he is, I don't want lawyers and restraining orders in court, but I need you to back off for now."
"For now?" My heart pounded. If I understood correctly, Juan was offering me a glimmer of hope.
"Look... the girls need some space to digest what happened. Santana is Hiram's daddy girl, and she'll hate you if Hiram says so. Rachel is different, she's more sensitive, and I need to protect her."
"What do you suggest?"
"Back off, Shelby. Don't look for them anymore, even if they, and I bet Rachel, look for you. I propose that we can go on talking, exchanging messages, until we find a right moment for your rapprochement." I saw that Juan hesitated for a moment. "I say that, Shelby, because Hiram and I are going through a very delicate time in our marriage. It wasn't just you he threatened. He has great influence over the girls, and everyone will lose out if he does half of what he threatened to do. Honestly Shelby, I don't want to risk it, I'm not going to pay to see. Not when it involves Santana and Rachel."
The image of Juan at that moment was of a desolate man, even though he wanted to convey calm and confidence. Hiram was a man who threw a lawyer behind my back to intimidate me once. To me, Hiram looked a lot like that Batman villain, the Two-Face, because he was two-faced. At that moment, from my point of view, Hiram had kidnapped Juan and the girls.
"Please. Promise you'll back off? Even if it hurts the girls for now, I'm sure they'll understand in time. When I'm able to tell them everything that happened. Who knows, maybe after Hiram's anger has cooled down, I can invite you to my house for a family lunch? All this is possible. I want it to happen, but first I need you to back off. I promise I will keep in touch and let you know everything that is going on with the girls. You won't be in their lives for now, but you will be aware."
"I can do this for you and for them, Juan." I ran a hand through my hair in frustration. "Honestly, I don't know how you're still with this guy? You're not like him, you were never like him. I don't understand."
"Hiram is a good father to the girls, and he was a good husband." I sensed he wanted to tell me more about his life, but Juan held back and closed himself off.
"Meanwhile... well... I have my work." I tried to sound strong, but inside I was desolate.
"It's never enough." He said sincerely.
"No, it isn't. It's empty. I miss having someone else to come home for."
"Did you really never think about having other children?"
"I never found anyone who wanted to share that desire with me."
"Who says you need someone else? You're Shelby Corcoran!"
I looked at Juan and honestly, I wanted to kiss him. Even after all these years, I wanted to kiss this man for who he was, and because I wanted to comfort him. However, all I did was agree with him, accept to step back from my position as an outsider, and no longer seek out or interact with girls. I would be patient. But I would also get on with my life, as I always have. Juan was right: I was Shelby Corcoran. I wasn't one to wait peacefully for the future. I built it, and that's how I built it.