Chapter 80: Veritas*

Part II

9 June 1980

The Three Brothers Tree, Whinfell Forest

The landing was rough, sending them tumbling away from each other. Hermione pulled herself to her hands and knees, breathing in deep and mentally cataloguing all her bits and pieces. She looked up, the sight of the tree before them familiar and haunting now. They were still in Whinfell Forest. Too close. Greyback would know. If he was to come after them, they couldn't stay long.

"Oh my god—" Her breath shook the words as they left her mouth. With shaking hands, Hermione set to rifling through her pockets, pulling out the crumpled bag she'd shoved away earlier that day. "I-I was going to get us away today. You were—I-I couldn't—I don't know how, but I just knew today had to be our last. He saw me packing up the tent. That's—that's when he grabbed me." She pulled out their wands, holding Remus' out for him to take. As it left her hand, she turned to look at him, but Remus was already standing, leaning against one of the trees. His face ashen. "Remus? Are you okay? Are you here?"

"Hermione, I—" He couldn't meet her eyes. "Are you okay? No, of course—I mean—Fuck, Merlin, shit, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry. Fuck! I'm so bloody fucking sorry. I just—I—"

"No." Hermione crawled to her feet, going to him, shaking her head almost violently. "Don't—don't apologize."

Remus rambled on, not noticing she'd reached for him. "I felt something. I-I don't know if it's true, but it-it feels true. All the things he said." He looked up at her then, desperate hope swimming in his eyes. "He could have been lying, right? But-but I felt it, our-our bond. And, fuck, I think—" He closed his eyes. "I think I've felt it before."

"I know, I know, but it's okay. You don't need to apologize."

It was something in her words maybe, the way she said it. Or maybe he'd finally realized what she'd been saying all along. Remus picked his head up and blinked. The fog in his eyes cleared away, and in the silence, Hermione could see cracks start to form.

Remus blinked at her, his hand falling from the tree beside him. He took a step back. "You knew." Then another.

"No, no no no. Wait. Remus. Remus, wait."

"How long?" His voice was soft and quiet. "How long have you known?"

Hermione's wrist started to burn. "Remus—"

"Just tell me. Please don't lie to me. Not now. Not-not with this."

"I—"

"Hermione."

Gods, but she couldn't lie to him. "I've known the whole time."

"The whol—" He choked. "The whole time? I don't under—" He closed his eyes, his body visibly shuddering. "How? How did it happen?"

"You don't—"

"Tell me."

"I—" Hermione's wrist was squeezed in ice, the bones compressed in magic as she wished, truly, for the first time since she'd been thrown back in time that she could tell the whole truth, everything. "I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it was an accident. That's all it was. An accident. I-I never blamed you and I've never been angry at you over this."

A sound like a whimper escaped from Remus' throat. When his eyes opened, they were flaming gold, but there was no struggle there. Remus needed to do this on his own. "Do they know?" His nose crinkled every time he spoke, caught between a grimace, a snarl, and a sob.

"No, I swear."

"Do they all know but me?" Remus' lip curled. "You've just been walking around laughing at the poor werewolf who can't even keep his bloody teeth to himself?"

"No, I swear. No one else knows."

Remus just stared at Hermione like he was looking at a stranger.

"Please." She reached for him. "Let's just talk this through. It's okay. Nothing's changed."

"Nothing's changed?" He ignored her hand. "How can you say that? Everything's changed."

"No, no, no, it hasn't. Nothing has to change. We can go home. We can go home now. We can pretend this never happened. Like we don't know."

Remus shook his head. "But you did know. This whole time. You-you-you knew what I fucking did. Every-every moment between us, you knew. Was this all a lie? Our friendship? How-how close we are? I thought—" His voice broke. "I thought you were my friend."

"I am. Remus, please. I am your friend. I've always been and always will be."

"No." He took a step back, stumbling over his feet. "No, you're not. You're just—Hermione, you're the worst thing I've ever done." He stopped, panting, trying to regain his breath as he stared up at the sky if only to hold back tears. "I have tried so fucking hard all my life, for as long as I can remember, to be good. To be good. To not be what I am." He started to laugh, and it was dark and scary and wounded. "All I've ever wanted is to be good, and now? Now, none of it fucking matters. It never did."

"You are good. You're the best man I've ever known." Hermione reached out again. "Please, take my hand, Remus. Take my hand. Let's just go home."

Remus wiped again at his face, harshly so as to cause a bit of pain. His chin fell and he looked at her. "Show it to me."

"No." Hermione stepped back. "You don't need to—"

"I-I need to see it." The words were more breathed than spoken.

Hermione took a step, her back hitting a tree. "Remus," she closed her eyes and held up her hands for mercy.

"Please." A single tear fell. The golden thread between them pulled, and Hermione felt the weight of his ask, the deep seated fear feeding the punishing need to know.

She didn't move for a second and then clenched her eyes tighter shut. She reached up and pulled at the neck of her shirt, stretching it harshly against her throat as she turned her head to bare just part of a twin half-moon smile reaching from her collarbone to the edge of her shoulder.

Remus' face twisted.

He'd seen it before, the bite—My bite. No.—He'd never looked long. She'd deserved privacy, dignity, space from leering eyes. He'd seen it, but never looked. —Look now. Look at what we did.—The familiar part of Remus recoiled inward at the sight, pushing forward revulsion, shame, and guilt. But as bile rose in his throat, he felt the full force of pride surging forward at the mottled, pink skin. That feeling of strength, of safety and comfort and home that was Hermione, it all stemmed from this point. His chest heaved. He wanted to carve what was Moony out of his chest, use his nails to tear open his skin, break the bones and claw the beast out. He felt sick, disgusted and dirty, but also proud and satisfied and whole. That bite—

My bite.

How could you do this? We had a deal.

There was no deal. We would never have kept this from happening.

No.

Meant to be. Always supposed to be like this.

"I did this to you?" He asked as tears finally fell across his cheeks.

Hermione's chin jerked of its own accord.

Like he was realizing it all again for the first time, Remus took a step back, pity flashing in his eyes before they widened again in horror. "Were you ever going to tell me?"

Hermione's vision clouded. Her pause was answer enough.

Remus stepped away, nodding, his lips twitching down into a deep frown. "Right." His voice had gone cold.

Hermione moved then, suddenly jolting forward to grab his hands in hers, pulling him to stay with her. "Nothing has changed. You are still the same man. You are still my friend. And I still love you."

He gave her a look that he'd only given her once before, like they'd never met. His voice turned deeper cold, the distance staggering and clinical. "You know, right, about what happened beneath the Willow with Snape?"

Hermione nodded, instinctively squeezing at his hands.

"I thought I'd gotten to him. I woke up and could actually remember his screams." Remus looked down at their joined hands. "I didn't know what had happened or-or what happened to Snape, but I really thought—I really thought I'd done it."

He tried to take his hands back, but Hermione held on.

"Almost didn't come back to Hogwarts after that." He huffed out a breath of a laugh at Hermione's wide eyes. "It permanently scarred my relationship with Sirius. My parents couldn't look me in the eyes when they met me at King's Cross. The rest of the year the boys treated me like a rabid stray, something to be tended and watched with a careful eye as if—" He laughed again. "As if I hadn't known all along just how dangerous I am."

"Remus—"

"The only thing," he talked over her. "The only thing that kept me going after that was knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was still good. I knew that Snape was fine, that he was safe and unharmed, that I hadn't ruined his life."

"You didn't ruin my life!" Hermione pleaded. "I have never blamed you. There was never even anything to forgive."

Remus took his hands back. "You cannot forgive a monster for something in its nature."

"You are not a monster. I don't believe that."

He closed his eyes. "But I do."

It took him a moment, but he finally met her eyes again. And though the gold still burned, there was no more fight in him. His voice stayed calm and broken, and it made Hermione wish he was yelling and shouting at her. Anything but this, this soft killing.

"I thought I was so lucky to find you. I thought all my wishes and hopes were finally heard or-or-or granted. That life finally realized how hard it'd fucked me over, and decided to give me a friend who understood."

"Remus—"

"I thought you were sent here to save me." He wiped roughly at his nose as he laughed at himself. "I thought how good it was that I could be there for you and share some of my knowledge to help you through your first moons. I couldn't believe I was doing something good with the curse."

"You did. You've helped me so much. It didn't mean nothing, Remus. It meant the world."

He just shook his head. "Stop. It doesn't mean anything. It really doesn't."

"You don't believe that."

Remus looked her face over, his eyes drifting over her scar before dropping again to her shoulder. He stepped back, his wand rolling comfortably in his palm. Hermione reached for him again, her touch falling short. She didn't know what to say to fix this. Her eyes searched him, trying to find a hint, a crack, some seam she could slip through, but he'd disappeared years away.

"Okay, so you like her," James nodded. "Now with that in mind, you really need to think before answering my next question. Do you trust her?"

There was a long pause. Remus looked again at Hermione. He could have sworn he heard a heartbeat quicken, but he wasn't sure.

"Yeah, I really do."

"One more question. Truthfully, with nothing held back."

Hermione's wrist twinged in warning but she would deny him nothing.

"Everything between us? Was it all because of this? Why did you really come to Hogwarts?"

She didn't know if he'd meant to do it, but there was a power laced in his last question. He pulled at their thread and held her taut. The truth was all she could offer.

Remus' bite. Remus' smell. Remus' smile. Remus at Hogwarts. Remus teaching her about lycanthropy. Remus reading in the library. Remus drinking tea. The last words he spoke to her on the steps of Grimmauld Place. The parchment he'd placed in her hands that she'd lost almost immediately. The words she thought so trivial at the time she hadn't spared them a second thought until this moment, realizing the hope he'd placed in them.

Seek Shelter.

Hermione closed her eyes, knowing Remus would not be there when she looked again.

"I was searching for you."

At the fade of her voice, the clearing around her was silent. A subtle breeze pushed back Hermione's hair and then settled low. She was alone. And in that moment a part of her wished when she opened her eyes, she would be back on the front steps of Grimmauld Place with an older, greyer Remus looking down on her. Hermione didn't really want to stay in this time if Remus Lupin wasn't by her side.

Chapter Title Translation: *The Truth