The carriage rocked from side to side as the road underneath changed from maintained cobble to unmaintained cobble. The shake had Cter's body flowing like a wave as it propagated throughout the length of her body. She leaned forwards with her hands balled under her nose and her elbows resting on her knees. Through a sunken brow her eyes moved with intricate thought, the interior of the carriage broken up with blinks that peaked with momentary intensity as her mind rushed through possible answers to Kurant's question.
"Can I just answer that I think it is what the theory says it is?"
Kurant seemed quite disappointed at that answer. "You can..." she exhaled reluctantly with her neck loosening her head downwards. "I don't want to know the actual answer to the question though," was quickly added though with a narrowed peer through the bundled strands hanging off the side of Kurant's head. The braid shook like a tugged rope as a hole in the cobble road surprised the wooden wheels. "I want to know your answer to it, Cter."
Her answer.
Her own answer.
"If you could answer it without thinking that I'd appreciate too."
Answer without thinking.
So as close to Cter's soul answering as possible then.
"Just one word to begin with."
One word.
One word without thinking.
"Volatile."
No.
"Indifferent."
The first answer didn't get that much a reaction from Kurant. The latter though had the Second Monster Mage's head cocking like the last pull of a cork out of a wine bottle. "Indifferent?" she said in reflex. "That I didn't expect."
Neither did Cter for that matter.
Kurant leaned her chin into her hand again, thumbing along on her lip once more. "Indifferent," she repeated while only moving her upper lip. "What comes after indifferent to you, Cter? Why did you change from volatile?"
Didn't Kurant ask her to not think about her answer? Just to say the first thing that came to her lips in hope of it being from her soul and not her head? "I don't know." Cter was supposed to feel the answer and not know it, so of course she didn't know.
There was a slight change in Kurant's aura that Cter couldn't exactly put her finger on what and why it exactly was. With a more heavy lean forwards Kurant's thumb began to push into her upper lip. "Indifferent. The human soul. The human soul is indifferent." Her brow furrowed deeper over her already-narrowed eyes. "Indifferent to what, exactly?"
Even though Kurant asked it into the empty air in front of her Cter understood that the question was aimed at her. "Indifferent to us, I guess."
What in the world was she saying? Was this really what Cter felt or was she just spouting to fill the silence? Indifferent? How could the human soul be indifferent? It was as much a part of humans as anything else in the human body. It would be the same as calling the human eye indifferent or the heart indifferent.
That was...
That was actually not entirely wrong.
It didn't feel right.
But it didn't feel wrong either.
It felt…
Indifferent.
"Huh."
"Yeah," agreed Kurant. "Indifferent maybe isn't the worst thing to describe it as."
Thanks?
The heavy lean forward translated into a soft lean backwards for Kurant, who's lips curled upwards into a somewhat-irregular smile. "Indifferent to magic, otherwise humans would be able to do magic without the help from monsters. Indifferent to the specific type of magic too as all you need is a good connection to the monster, and not even that. Indifferent to the magic cast too since a human mage's magic doesn't linger without them making it linger consciously." Her arms folded with unclear intent, as was the rhythm her sleeved fingers tapped. "The biggest question though which I'm not even sure if I should humor the thought of." A slow tilt over to Cter filled the dramatic pause Kurant made. "The biggest question is whether or not the human soul is indifferent to the human."
Unlike the carriage Kurant was moving way too fast, Cter felt. The knowing quirk of her eyebrow didn't help either. "I don't want to think about that." It hit a bit too close to what happened with Idyll. "Not now anyway. It's just the first word that popped into my head without thinking. It doesn't have to mean anything."
"You don't have to defend it," assured Kurant with a nod that was meant to be calming but only fueled the uncomfortable air. "Just gave me a different angle than I expected. I'll have to run it by Bonny, but if you're correct in that the human soul is indifferent it could also mean on top of that that the human body is indifferent too."
Yeah Kurant was speeding ahead faster than anything else.
"If the human body is indifferent perhaps that would mean that humans can give parts of their bodies to other humans. Similar to how monsters can give memories and emotions. Maybe monsters can have human bodies too? If a monster soul inhabits a human body it could–"
"Kurant!"
What. In. The. Goddamn. Was. She. Saying!
"Listen to yourself, Kurant," Cter growled with borderline disgust. "What is wrong with you? What are you talking about? I thought you asked me because you wanted to understand your own soul! Not imply these horrible scenarios. Why? Why these sudden implications? Is this what you always think?"
Cter prayed to everything that she could that such wasn't the case. That Kurant hadn't given up hope about her knee and resorted to grasping at straws to heal it. Grasping at worse straws than what she did with Bonny and Kry. It scared Cter. She'd found out about secrets she'd be better off without about the nature of human magic. If that extended to the Monster Mages too…
Would that mean that she would think like that as well one day?
Become so desensitized that the cold shiver that was sent up her spine would turn into an excited one instead? She would see it all and therefore nothing else would faze her? Nothing else would be too much? Nothing else would be considered immoral to her?
She knew she'd lose her humanity when she became a Monster Mage.
But not in that sense!
"Possessive."
"What?"
"That's my word for the human soul."
Oh…
Cter had a hunch of the origin.
"I told you on the way to Clinic Hill that my knee hurting was a reminder of me being human, but now that you know what happened I'll have to give the other answer too. The other side of the coin. The monster's answer and not the human's. For me as a human my knee hurting is something I wouldn't want to trade away for anything else in the world. It reminds me of my family which I've outlived the most of, and will outlive the rest of as well relatively soon. It reminds me of where I came from and how long I've come from just being a child that couldn't do her farm work properly to a Monster Mage."
Kurant even had a slight quaver to her voice as she spoke.
"And my knee is hindering me in that regard. My soul is hindering me in that regard. Its refusal to let go of my injury hinders me from fulfilling what I was supposed to be." The quaver disappeared underneath the harsh breathing. "It's possessive in a way that it refuses to let me take steps forwards. To help more. To become an even greater mage." Kurant tensed her arm underneath her sleeve. "The only reason I can use Queen Toriel's magic is the Cooperative Connection. The lie I know to be false, but my soul believes in. She was the one that took me in, the one that gave me the opportunity to be what I could be. To be what I am. I owe her, and it is that feeling that has me capable of magic. The loophole I can use to circumvent the possessive nature of my soul. It feels indebted to Queen Toriel, so therefor Queen Toriel is allowed. No one else though."
There was something more to Kurant's story. Something Cter sensed Kurant had trouble saying. Something deep. Deeper than her anger against her own soul. It glistened in her aura like dust illuminated by sunlight through a window of stained glass. Darkly stained.
Was it…
Jealousy?
"I was supposed to be the first to have my own magic. The surgery would've proved it! It would've been enough for me to understand how to make my own magic! Had my soul not refused it would have been a lunging leap in magic and understanding what the human soul was!" The gentle touch Kurant had on her chest with her sleeve became clenched, stretching the Delta Rune on the back of her hand at the same time it crumbled the Delta Rune on her robe. "It's not fair. I overcame everything before me. Every obstacle placed in front of me I leaped over in spite of my injured knee. Why is it that I could overcome everything before me yet not the thing inside of me? Why does it feel that it has to be selective of what it grants me? Why can't it just be what I want it to be? Why aren't I in control of my own destiny from within?"
The questions crashed against the soft, padded walls of the carriage.
"Why does it hate me, Cter? Why does my soul hate what I've become? Why is it this possessive of me? Of my future?"
Cter couldn't answer that. In a way she felt fear not being able to. Like she was betraying Kurant in a way. Her discovering that a monster's magic could be changed must have ignited a torch of hope for Kurant. Another chance to overcome her knee's injury. To have a discovery benefiting Kurant for once. The surgery gave Bonny more insight into the application of healing magic during invasive operations. Cter felt the rush of his epiphanies when she was experiencing Bonny's memories. Of how in the moment he saw the quiet, green glow within Kurant's chest he became Dr. Sallus instead. All he wanted after that moment was to prolong the surgery, which Kry was quick to put to a stop despite Dr. Sallus' loud protest about the importance of the situation.
Kurant didn't know what happened when she was unconscious. She only knew that her soul denied the procedure. Not what happened afterwards. Not about Bonny going back on his promise.
What she seemed to know though was that she wanted her human side gone. Her knee injury gone, and with it her reminder of who she was before she became a Monster Mage. The prospect of what she could have become without it holding her back meant more to her than her human family. It was concerning to Cter, and only strengthened her longing for home. If it was inevitable that she would want to become wholly monster then she needed to do everything in her power to be with her human family for as much as possible.
Even if that meant going back a few steps on the promise Cter did to Romrom.
"I can sense in your aura that you're conflicted over this," said Kurant after a long and draining exhale. "And you should be. I am not being half monster half human as you've come to understand should be to be a Monster Mage. To keep a balance between human and monster. However, balance to me is not, and shouldn't be, the same as you keeping balance." Kurant summoned a small spear of cyan magic about the length of her forearm on her raised index finger. It rocked gently from side to side before settling itself straight. "Do you see where my finger is on the spear?"
It was not in the middle.
Seeing Cter's eyes move away from the middle of the spear, Kurant nodded. "Exactly." Her naked hand tapped at the sharp tip of the glowing spear pointing to the carriage roof. "It's weighed on one side. Should I try to balance it in the middle..." With a slight movement Kurant's index finger slipped into the middle of the spear, which caused it to begin to tip over until it eventually fell and embedded itself into the carpet with a sparkling sizzle. "I can't do that. Not when my knee is the way it is. Not when my soul is the way it is. That is why I want to change my soul." Kurant bent over deliberately to pick the spear up with her naked hand. She spun it vertically by its blunt end between her thumb and ring finger. "Change the balance to where I want it to be. To have more control. More control means that we can find deeper depths of our souls. Deeper, yet deeper, until we find where the human soul is equivalent to the monster soul."
The cyan spear was pointed at Cter's sleeve.
"Like with each and every one of the Monster Mage's sleeves yours will help bring us closer to that point, Cter. Kry's was the first, then mine, Sund's, and lastly yours. From Kry's enigma, to my possessive, to Sund's understanding, to your indifferent. To be honest I thought your word wouldn't be so...unintentionally helpful." The small spear dissipated into a hazy cloud of cyan glow that spread out until it was too thin to see. "Indifferent is something I might have to take to heart and soul for the immediate future. I've been mired trying to figure out something. Trying to figure out a new angle to wrestling control from my soul. Perhaps it has been indifferent to my attempts all this time. If so then perhaps a time of focusing my efforts elsewhere will help me understand the indifference more if I assume it myself. To know thy enemy, so to speak. Know it by not thinking about it. Know it by not giving it the time of day. Perhaps then there will come a morning where an epiphany strikes? I pray for such a day."
Another long exhale passed through Kurant's slim nostrils.
"There won't be a change of the old guard with you mantling everything, Cter," Kurant assured with a chuckle that whipped her braid resting down her shoulder and chest. "However what us three prior Monster Mages have seen is that, at least with me and Kry, human magic has begun to outpace what the older generations of human mages can reach. Even with Kry and I as Monster Mages. There will be a time not far into the future where the just-graduated human mages can wield magic that Kry and I struggled with learning. This is another reason as to why I want to be able to change my balance to fit me. If that's possible we perhaps could prolong our two quote unquote reigns as Monster Mages. Not because of any egoistic reasons."
Kurant cleared her throat as even to her it was too big a lie. "Not because of any egoistic reasons primarily, that is. No, it is to keep the title as Monster Mage as pristine and important for as long as possible. It's for the monsters that we have to. It is no secret that humans have more potency for magic with each new generation of human mages, but what must be kept a secret is that they'll be able to reach a level which any and all human mage could be considered a Monster Mage. Even if what a Monster Mage should be capable of has increased steadily with each human mage generation it has always been a level which Kry and I could demonstrate effortlessly. Once we begin to display effort then there will be cracks forming in the foundation of the perpetually unstable statue that is peace between humans and monsters despite the discrepancy that's the height of Mt. Ebott between the two races."
While she didn't mean for it, Kurant placed a huge weight onto Cter when it came to what was expected of the latest Monster Mage. Not only explaining that Cter would have to find new heights to her magic not due to any reasons of curiosity first and foremost, but due to political reasons primarily. To boot Cter also had to accept that Kurant wasn't really moving too fast when she spoke about the outrageous prospects about the human soul prior.
Outrageous was said of humans knowing magic in times of yore, after all.
And the depths of the well of the magical potentials of humans was still impenetrable dark with no bottom in sight. Even with Cter's new sleeve it would remain dark as can be.
Deeper, yet deeper.
"I have faith in you though, Cter."
Cter would never in her life reveal that Kurant surprised her with that notion.
"You've been taking everything that has happened to you with relative stride, at least to the outside viewer. I know that within you there's more turmoil than you let on to others. Trust me on that if anything." Kurant's nod down to her knee was superfluous, but still appreciated. "And it is only because I have this faith and trust in you that I tell you what it is that both plagues and motivates me. There are mistakes that I have done that perhaps you can prevent making, and I wouldn't be true to Queen Toriel and King Asgore should I not do everything I can to mentor you to become the most powerful Monster Mage there will ever be, even if I know that to eventually fail given enough time for the future to catch up to us." Another chuckled scoff gusted through Kurant's nose. "Trying to prevent the future from happening while at the same time hoping that it would be more than I could ever dream of." She shrugged. "Just another thing to keep in balance, I suppose."
If Kurant was being honest it would only be fair for Cter to be honest too. "The more I learn about being a Monster Mage..." Her eyes glanced down to her sleeve. "A testament to how well you three have been keeping up appearances, I guess."
"You'll be able to keep it up too." Kurant nodded gently. "You managed your first official mission in a human country as a Monster Mage with grace and style, after all."
With grace and…
Did...did the two see the same things? If every piece of glass shattering and threatening to release a concoction of miasma so vile it would be necessary to evacuate the entirety of Xoff was considered graceful how wasn't everything been in ruins by then? Or were the Monster Mage visits always graceful and stylish? Strange as strange could be, really.
Cter was glad though. All things considered she succeeded in her mission of getting a Cooperative Connection to her Monster Mage sleeve. Even more so there was a pattern to it, indicating that she's managed to do good with Dr. Sallus what she did bad with Idyll. That surely had to mean something, Cter just did not know what exactly. She'd figure it out though. "I got you to help me keep it up, Kurant."
"Exactly," was answered instantly with a confident wink. "Perhaps the boys too, depending. Hopefully they haven't crumbled the castle in our absence."
Heh.
Hopefully.