Earthshine

Chapter XIV

"Inner Goodness"

…

"…and then you hear a voice, a slim voice that's always been pushing you to that corner of mad infinite deepness of human cosmos, because you are here to do good, despite all that happens to you, especially for all that happens to you, because your pain is never your weakness but the brightest light that tells you how to remove the pain from every passerby." - Debatrayee Banerjee

…

Eden and Vitalia had chosen to ride in the helicopter with Diego while I rushed to join Rosalie and Emmett by the river. They'd already gathered everything and Emmett had both deer slung over his shoulder.

He shrugged. "Figured we might as well find that butcher for them."

We made our way back to town, ghosting through the trees at minimal speed. I knew I had to stall and make the timing of my return believable, but I was eager to get to the hospital to check on how the man was doing. How Vitalia was doing.

"You were a little impressive back there," Rose told me begrudgingly.

I glanced to her and saw she was staring straight ahead, uncomfortable with revealing that opinion to me.

"Well you and I both got our degrees in the medical field, Rose. I haven't forgotten any of it."

"Not that." She shook her head. "I meant being able to stay close to a human bleeding out right in front of you. To stay so calm. You looked a lot like Carlisle."

I fought the discomfort at her words, knowing I still barely held a candle to the man. But I was pleased to hear it anyway. Pleased that I could resemble him even a little.

I had helped someone. I had helped and I hadn't been resisting the urge to kill them the entire time. The satisfaction that gave me swelled powerfully in my chest. I hadn't felt like a monster. I had felt remarkably human. I had felt faintly… good.

A ring came from my pocket and I saw it was Alice before answering.

"Edward! What's going on? I saw that you are going to ask me to extend my stay with Bella and Charlie, which of course I love, but you seem worried. Did something happen?"

"Yes. Vitalia's father was shot. Carlisle is treating him now. If you could extend your stay that would be great. Can you tell Bella I'm sorry that I'll be delayed?"

"Sure. He was shot?"

"He was. Alice-" I sighed. "You told me you didn't foresee any tragedies. Did that change? Why didn't you see this coming?"

"I don't know," she sounded confused. "I didn't see anything concerning."

My brows creased. It was a little strange, but not impossible that she hadn't seen it. Maybe the choices leading up to it were too unpredictable. Vitalia was pretty impulsive, so turning towards her dad when the gun jammed might have been a decision made too quickly for my sister to catch.

"Alright. Well, I'll see you later."

"Sure, Edward. He's going to be alright though, her father, I do see that." Her voice still sounded bitter, from our argument I imagined, but I was grateful she'd told me that.

"Thank you, Alice."

She hung up and I put my phone away before the three of us slowed our speed and moved onto the trail, finding our cars where we'd left them.

Emmett threw the deer into the jeep then he and Rosalie drove into town. I got into my Volvo and followed them before veering off toward the hospital.

When I reached it, I paused in my parking spot and listened. I listened for my father's thoughts and heard he was in the surgery room with Diego. I searched for Eden and Vitalia and they were both in the waiting area, tightly holding hands.

Please, God, please. Eden was repeating the plea over and and over again.

From beside her, Vitalia was staring hard at the pristine floor. This is all my fault. If I hadn't turned to him! That's, like, rule number one of gun safety. Never point it at another person! Why did I do it? Why didn't I think of that?

I sighed. What could I do to help her? Other than letting it run its course?

I got out of my car and walked inside. Besides the panic of Diego and whatever the other emergency had been, the place seemed slower than usual.

I greeted the nurses at the front and they told me where to find the Santi family. I made my way down the hall and found them outside the surgical room.

Eden looked over immediately and smiled. Vitalia glanced up slowly and tried her best to smile too.

"How is he?" I asked, stopping in front of them.

"We don't know yet," Eden answered. "But your father had everything ready when we got here. We're very grateful to you both. Where did you learn to handle a situation like that?"

"Well, my father." I motioned toward the surgery door. "He lets me watch sometimes and I practice on props at home. He lets me read some of his medical books too."

"Well we were lucky you were there," Eden reached out to squeeze my arm as she stood. "We would have lost him if it weren't for you, Edward. Thank you." Her voice broke and her eyes teared up. "A million times, thank you."

I nodded at her, speechless, unsure how to respond to her level of gratitude.

She was right, they would have lost him. Another minute or two and he would've died. I nearly hadn't made it in time. I couldn't imagine what these two would have been going through if that had been the case. How Vitalia would feel. Would she ever have found her way back from that or would her light have been extinguished forever?

My eyes traveled over to her, but she was looking down at her boots, scuffing the heels against the floor.

"I'm going to get a coffee. Do either of you want one?" Eden asked.

"No, thank you." I shook my head.

"Maybe later," Vitalia answered.

Eden nodded and walked away, her arms crossed as she disappeared through the double doors. She was still trying to keep it together. Trying to stay strong for her family.

I sighed then looked to Vitalia again, but she had gone back to staring at the floor. I took a seat beside her, looking through the glass panel of the operation room. Carlisle's thoughts were very calm. He didn't seem worried. Diego's heart rate was stable on the monitor. The transfusion was going smoothly. It seemed Alice was right. He would pull through.

Vitalia rubbed her arm, looking uncomfortable. Her mind was flitting between discouragement, disbelief, and self-blame.

I was so stupid, she said to herself. How could I do that?

"What are you thinking about?" I asked her gently, hoping she'd share some of what was on her mind so I could offer my input.

She was silent awhile before she let her eyes drift up to me.

If I talk about this, I'm going to lose it again. I can't stay calm and happy if I talk about it. I can't- she squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. But he's been super honest with me. I need to try and be open with him too.

Her eyes opened and I noted how red and puffy they were. How desperate.

"Eddy, I-" she shook her head. "You were right. I've just been acting so stupid. Acting like life is all fun and games." A sob escaped into her voice. "I just go along acting like nothing's a big deal, that there aren't any consequences, but then this happens." She was breathless as she gestured to the door, looking over as her eyes teared up again. "My dad. My dad. I shot him because I wasn't thinking of anything but the fun I was having. I'm so stupid. I'm so-"

She started sobbing again and I felt my guilt creep up. Those words I'd said to her…perhaps I should never have said them. I wanted her to be careful, yes, but she was young. She was carefree and spirited. There was no wrong in that. I believed she needed to take some things more seriously, but there were gentler ways to get my point across. I didn't like that she kept referring to herself as stupid.

I moved from my seat and knelt in front of her, but she barely seemed to notice.

"He could die." She went on. "He still might not make it out of-"

I reached out and took her face between my cold hands. She lifted her head and stared at me with wide eyes.

Perhaps it was the shock of my frozen skin, or maybe that I had reached out to her at all, but her words immediately cut off.

I stared at her very intently. "He's going to be fine, Vi." My voice was filled with the assurance I couldn't have offered without Alice's help. "He's going to pull through, you'll see. I was able to help him in time. You made an honest mistake. You're human. We all make mistakes. I do all the time."

Literally. Every day I spent with Bella was a collosal mistake. At least Vitalia had only endangered her loved one accidentally, wheras I continued to do so consciously.

I smiled at her encouragingly. "Your father will forgive you. He wouldn't want you sitting here beating yourself up like this. The best thing you can do for him is to look forward and hope for the best. Don't dwell on things you can't change."

He's right, she was thinking as she nodded. But her sobs kept coming. I saw she was trying very hard to stop them. But I just can't get rid of this feeling. It's stabbing me in the chest.

"Come here," I told her as I lowered my hands and urged her toward me. I didn't let myself dwell on the risks of allowing her so close, or whether or not it was crossing some inappropriate line. All I was thinking about was helping her through this.

She slid from her seat and let me draw her towards my chest. I made sure to hold her where she wouldn't hear my lack of heartbeat.

I cradled her head against me and decided to change my tactic. Maybe feeling understood would help. After all, did it ever work on me when people gave me logical reasons for why my feelings were unnecessary? I couldn't think of a single time when it had.

"I know," I told her honestly, my voice quiet and heavy. "I know this is the worst feeling."

Accident or not, she'd hurt someone she deeply cared for. I knew I wouldn't be able to let it go either.

I closed my eyes and tightened my hold, one hand running over her hair soothingly, as her mother had done. I had seen it was something that comforted her. Her arms were wrapped around her waist, like she was trying to stop that gut-punched way guilt made you feel.

It was hard to see her like this. This bright girl. But she was so intense about everything else she felt, it made sense that it would include these feelings too.

"Live right here, right now." I echoed her own words back to her. "No thoughts. No worries."

It took her some time as she wrestled with the words I spoke, but it was one of her most basic philosophies, so eventually it took hold. Sometime during the process, Eden came back and I glanced up and smiled. She returned it and quietly sat, leaving Vitalia and I to ourselves.

I felt the girl's sobs start to quiet as her shaking body settled. Her heart slowed and her thoughts began to halt their relentless self-blame.

Oh the beauty of humanity! Their ability to bounce back like this. Everything was changeable. Their emotions were waves that surged and flowed and ebbed.

Daddy's alive, she told herself. Right now, he's alive. I have to be more careful next time. I can be more careful, right? Maybe. At least nothing worse happened. I have to take this as a lesson. Learn from it and move on. She breathed in and out slowly, the exhale long and lingering. Eddy's here, he cares, he understands. He feels cold, but it's nice. It was feeling really hot in here. And he smells like…something sweet? Sugar? And flowers? And…like the sun. Weird. He smells like the sun. Like those sweet, heavy summer days back home.

Her observations were grounding her, pulling her into the present. Her description of my scent was similar to how Bella described it: lilac, honey and sunshine.

Vitalia's fragrance still reminded me of rain. And something citrus. There was wood smoke there too, lingering in her hair from all those campfires at their hunting site. There was also a trace of coffee, on her breath I supposed, from that so called "breakfast" she'd had this morning before we set off.

After another moment, she sighed then pulled back, lifting the heels of her hands to wipe her eyes.

"Sorry," her voice was raspy and raw. "I think…I think I'm feeling a little better now."

I nodded and offered a half-smile. "You don't need to apologize. What are friends for?"

She managed a little chuckle then lifted her arms to hug me properly. "Thanks," she whispered. "I needed this."

"I know," I told her. "And hey…" my eyes lowered. "Forget what I said, back there in the woods. You know, about life not being all fun and games? It doesn't matter."

She pulled away from me, brows creased in thought. In disagreement with me. "No, I think it does." She nodded at me. "I'm going to try and take it to heart. Especially now." She smiled. "Don't feel bad for saying it."

I gazed at her silently, willing myself to do what she told me. I'd just spent the majority of the hour trying to help her move past her own feelings of guilt, so surely I could do the same? With this one thing anyway. There were plenty of other things in my life I could focus my guilt on.

It's a shame he's taken, Eden suddenly thought. I'd nearly forgotten she was sitting there, her thoughts had been so quiet. Some sort of calming exercise she had been mentally doing. He and Vi, they're so good for each other.

She was smiling at us fondly.

I lingered a moment, so as not to immediately react to her thoughts, then stood and helped Vitalia to her feet.

Eden's thoughts weren't any different from what so many of the others had been thinking, so the shock of hearing them had lessened. It also helped that she had no idea of my situation or of the nature of my dedication to Bella. I couldn't fault her for thinking it.

I never really felt good for anyone, but lately…I occasionally felt that I wasn't the worst of friends for Vitalia. It was the closest I'd come to feeling like I actually had something of value to offer a human being.

My thoughts faded as I heard Carlisle finish up. He was preparing to come out and talk with Vitalia and Eden.

I stayed, but stepped back from the pair when my father walked out of the operation room. He smiled at them both kindly and began to tell them that Diego's surgery had gone well and that he expected he'd make a full recovery. Some time was needed for observation at the hospital and then there would be a few weeks of bed rest for the man once he was released. All standard things, but I imagined Diego would be terrible at the bed rest thing.

Vitalia and Eden's thoughts were filled with relief and they held onto each other tightly.

"You'll be able to see him as soon as he wakes up," Carlisle told them before he caught my eye.

Edward, can we talk a moment?

I nodded and waited for him to disappear beyond the double doors. I saw that he was heading for his office. I stepped over to Vitalia and gently touched her arm.

She grinned widely at me, eyes shining with relief.

Hes going to be okay! I didn't kill him. Eddy was right.

I returned her smile, feeling ecstatic to see her blinding brightness restored. She looked radiant.

"I'm going to check in with my father," I told her. "Let me know if you need anything."

"I will! Thanks."

I nodded then looked to Eden, offering her a little smile too before turning and heading to Carlisle's office.

When I entered, he looked up from his desk and made his way over to me. He placed both hands on my shoulders and the smile he gave me was warm and doting.

"Very well done, Edward." He told me. "You saved a life today. The amount of control required to do what you did…" he shook his head before his smile widened. "Well, I always knew you had it in you. I'm proud of you, son."

The fact that Carlisle was proud wasn't out of the ordinary. What was was the feeling that it was merited. That I actually deserved it. I felt a deep satisfaction take root in me. A receptivity to his words that I'd never felt before.

My eyes lowered. I felt humbled, but proud of myself too. It was a strange contradiction.

I know how you feel about my praise, Carlisle told me. But I really wanted to say this to you today.

I shook my head, then looked up, faintly returning his smile. "…it's alright. I'm glad I could help. It felt-" I searched for the right words, smile easing into a relaxed, thoughtful expression. "It felt good to be able to do that for someone. It felt like I was good."

Carlisle's memories took him to the first few lives he had saved and the similar way it had felt. It was the start of his way out of darkness. It was when he had started learning not to hate what he was.

I doubted I would reach that point, but even briefly touching the path he walked was enough to lift my spirits.

"I'm happy to heart that," he told me. "I've been waiting a long time for this."

"I know," I told him.

He squeezed my shoulder then stepped back. He motioned his head toward the hall and leaned against his desk.

"It seemed you were able to help that young woman too. Vitalia. She was having a hard time, wasn't she?"

"She was." I sighed. "She was really blaming herself."

"And you were able to empathize with that feeling?"

"…yes."

He smiled and I sensed that it was more reserved this time.

"What is it?" I asked warily.

He shook his head. "It doesn't matter, Edward. You've made your choice and I respect that."

"Is this about Bella?" I asked. My high spirits faltered as my thoughts returned to the tension within my family.

Carlisle eyed me silently a long moment, before he sighed. I'm just admiring the changes I've seen in you, Edward. Analyzing things. I've known for a long time there's goodness in you, so I can't help but take note of the fact that Vitalia has somehow managed to start making you aware of it too. She calls something out in you. Something I've always hoped to see.

I bit back my immediate defensiveness to what he was saying and let my eyes travel past my father to the large crucifix on his wall.

I trusted Carlisle, but I had always disagreed with him on one major point. I didn't agree that there was any afterlife for our kind. I believed our souls had been lost in the transition. We were bound for neither heaven or hell, though even if we were, it would almost certainly be hell. It was the reason I couldn't turn Bella. It was the reason I couldn't believe myself good.

But for the first time ever, I found myself facing that truth of mine with skepticism. The fact that I had actually, even briefly, felt my inner goodness, suddenly shook me deeply.

Was that really because of Vitalia, or did it have more to do with Bella? My practiced endurance with Bella had prepared me for this moment. But then…hadn't I just acknowledged that I did feel good for Vitalia? My influence on her seemed good. I made good decisions with her. Decisions I didn't end up regretting.

My eyes traveled back to Carlisle. "She does…make me wonder if there's some truth to what you've been saying. I feel almost human when I'm around her. The goodness is part of that. But-" my eyes fell.

"I know," Carlisle told me, voice tender. "It doesn't mean she can replace Bella. Or that she should. I would just hate to see all of this disappear when Vitalia leaves. The nature of your relationship with Bella makes it harder for you to feel confident in your abilities. It's a constant battle for you."

I sighed. There was no way this wouldn't disappear. Carlisle had no idea, but as soon as Bella was out of my life, my life would be as good as over. I'd be no good for anyone then. Just an empty, lonely shell of myself.

Anyway, I'll probably be staying overnight to oversee things personally with Diego Santi. I'll let you know if anything changes. You should head on back to Bella.

I blinked and looked up at him before catching myself and nodding. He was right. There was nothing left for me to do here. It was time to go. It was time to spend the rest of my evening with Bella.

I exchanged a goodbye with him and walked out of his office. Pausing in the hall though, I glanced to the double doors of the surgery wing. I couldn't see Vitalia, but her thoughts were filled with anticipation. She was impatient to see her father. Through Eden's eyes, I was able to catch a glimpse of her face. It was full of hope. Full of life.

Yes…my work here was done for the day.

As I walked outside into the drizzle of rain, I noticed, with no small amount of discomfort, that I was almost hesitant to leave and that, however faintly, my eagerness to get back to Bella was not as strong as it usually was.

When I reached her house, I saw my sister waiting for me on the doorstep, Bella beside her. As soon as I stepped out of the car, I was heavily struck with all the feelings Bella inspired — the good and the bad. The battle had resumed.

Her scent overwhelmed me, as always, and the monster inside me surged. All of my baser instincts flared and suffocated the light I'd been carrying, reminding me of reality, reminding me of who I really was. The fire of my love and my burning thirst for her consumed me. Is this why I had been hesitant to leave the hospital? Because I subconsciously knew seeing Bella would force me to wake up from my dreams of goodness?

"Ah, you couldn't have changed first?" Alice asked as she held a hand over her nose.

My brow rose and I looked down at my shirt. Sure enough, it was covered in Diego's blood. I looked to her apologetically. "Sorry, I wasn't aware it was this bad."

She shook her head. "Well, I'm going to head home anyway. I'll see you both later!"

She turned and hugged Bella before skipping past me and disappearing into the trees behind the house.

I sighed then looked to Bella, who was eyeing me worriedly.

"So everything went okay? Everyone's fine?"

"Yes," I nodded, taking her into my arms. I did so carefully, disgusted with how inhuman I now felt.

How delusional I had been! How good could I be if, in one distracted moment, I could so easily kill the person I loved the most?

I squeezed my eyes shut. Desperately, I searched for the hint of light that lingered inside. I immersed myself in its shallow glow and wished that it could overpower me again.

Carlisle was right. Because it was such a battle with Bella, I could never be free of my worst instincts with her. She called them out, however unwillingly. It was just another reason why I couldn't possibly stay and subject her to all of the worst parts of me.