Chapter 15

"Hey Amelia" Callie greeted grabbing her keys and Sofia's overnight bag. "Are you sure you are going to be okay?" she checked again, Amelia nodded, spending a few hours with a patient with a brain injury wasn't going to be difficult.

"As a neurosurgeon I think I can cope" Amelia snarked, gently pushing Callie out the door waiting until it was closed, "okay, what's our game plan?" she asked excitedly. When Meredith had read out Arizona's text Amelia had jumped at the chance to get involved, she loved romance, and this was a great excuse to ignore her own problems,

"Oooo ally" Arizona explained,

"Woo Callie, got it, okay, so music, dinner, candles" Amelia guessed, Arizona nodded,

"Izzza" she said, it was there got to comfort food.

"Pizza, great" Amelia agreed, checking the clock, they had 2 hours, "I'll order it later, now let's go through the rest of the plan".

Callie returned home frustrated, after dropping Sofia off she'd gone to the hospital to find Bailey, ready to sign to forms but had spent over an hour searching for her, nobody had seemed able to help and there was one piece of paper she had needed to sign, one piece, for new scrubs. Why had she had to make a special journey for that.

Putting her key in the door she opened it slightly, hearing Arizona talk,

"Cal,"

"Al"

"Ccc"

"Ccc"

"Caal"

"Caall"

Amelia was making the noises with Arizona repeating, smiling at Arizona enthusiasm, it was nice that this time she was trying so hard to get better, a total contrast to the Arizona after the plane crash,

"Okay, you are doing well, good luck" she said, as Amelia ran out the door, before Callie really got to say anything to her.

Inside Arizona was stood there, pizza on the table, she was holding a white piece of paper, Callie instantly recognised Amelia's handwriting,

Please, don't talk, just listen, I might not be able to express how I am feeling but the following songs do,

Callie nodded, taking Arizona's hand, leading her to the couch, although there was pizza her mouth had gone dry, and she wanted contact, physical and emotional for this.

What have I gotta do to make you love me?

Because I'll do anything just name it

What have I gotta do to make you care?

You staying, that means you care about me as your wife, not just as Sofia's other mother,

What do I do when lightning strikes me?

Or planes crash from the sky

And I wake up and find that you're not there.

I hate waking up without you,

What've I gotta do to make you want me?

I'm not much of a catch, I have PTSD, I have one leg and a brain injury, but I'll do anything,

Mmm hmm, what've I gotta do to be heard?

If only I could talk, explain,

What do I say when it's all over?

We didn't talk, we argued we sued each other, it always felt so awkward after

And sorry seems to be a hardest word.

And I am so sorry, I should have never been on the plane, I shouldn't have taken it out on you,

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation.

Mark would be furious at both of us, if he was here, he'd have never let me treat you like that, and never let you leave with Sofia.

And it's gettin' more and more absurd.

A shooting, Africa grants, a car crash, a plane crash, an amputation and now a brain injury, this isn't normal.

It's sad, so sad.

We let it break us,

Why can't we talk it over?

How I wish I could talk to you,

Ohh, it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Please understand I'm sorry, I am so sorry Callie,

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation.

I miss you,

And it's gettin' more and more absurd.

You're crying, is that a good sign,

It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over?

This is me talking, this is me saying sorry,

Ohh, it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word,

Please Callie, believe me,

What do I do to make you love me?

I'll do anything.

What have I got to do to be heard?

This is me trying,

What do I do when lightning strikes me?

That's how it felt when I met you, when I touch you, it feels electric, you make me feel alive,

What have I got to do?
What have I got to do?
When sorry seems to be the hardest word
Ooh yeah, sorry seems to be the hardest word?

Elton John finished singing.

"Arizona" Callie began, wanting to explain that Arizona didn't have to do anything, that she was forgiven, that Callie with distance and time had moved past that pain, gently Arizona placed a finger on Callie's lips, silently begging her to just listen.

There is a swelling storm
And I'm caught up in the middle of it all.

Especially that night, I was trying to be a good man, I was trying to power through,

And it takes control.

I lost control, and it wasn't okay, I shouldn't have listened, I was weak.

Of the person that I thought I was
The boy I used to know

That's when I knew, I wasn't that person anymore, I was damaged, I wasn't Arizona anymore,

But there is a light,

You are my light, Sofia is my light, like I lost ship looking for a lighthouse, you helped me get home,

In the dark, and I feel its warmth.

My heart beats for you,

In my hands and my heart
Why can't I hold on?

I tried Callie, I tried, I reached for the door, I wanted to leave, I wished I had left,

It comes and goes in waves.

The pain, it didn't stop, all the time, again and again,

It always does, always does.

No matter what I did, the memories, they come back,

We watch as our young hearts fade.

I split us up, I did the one thing I knew you couldn't forgive,

Into the flood, into the flood.

The waves, they didn't stop, I couldn't breathe,

The freedom of falling

I thought if I could let go, she said it was okay,

A feeling I thought was set in stone.

My love for you is,

It slips through my fingers.

Help me, I can't hold on alone.

I'm trying hard to let go

Say the word, I'll be gone, i don't want to hurt you, not again,

It comes and goes in waves
It comes and goes in waves

It gets so bad Callie, I couldn't tell you, I don't know why.

And carries us away.

Through the wind
Down to the place we used to lay when we were kids
Memories of a stolen place

Our bench, in the part, I still go there to think,

Caught in the silence
An echo lost in space.

Did I say I'm getting help, I'm in therapy, or was,

I watched my wild youth
Disappear in front of my eyes

Skating with Tim, dancing with you, teaching Sofia how to skate, I watched those dreams die when I lost my leg, instead of sharing those fears I bottled them, I took it out on you, my family,

Moments of magic and wonder
It seems so hard to find.

Remember the dance parties in our underwear, I miss those,

Is it ever coming back again?
Is it ever coming back again?

Please Callie we can get those happy memories back,

Take me back to the feeling when
Everything was left to find.

The bathroom, at Joes that first time, our whole relationship was ahead of us, all I knew was you were the most breath-taking person I had ever seen, and I wanted more,

It comes and goes in waves
It always does, oh it always does.

And the freedom of falling
A feeling I thought was set in stone
It slips through my fingers
I'm trying hard to let go.

Just say the words and I will let go again, I won't suffocate you again,

It comes and goes in waves
It comes and goes in waves
And carries us away.

Callie recognised Waves by Dean Lewis, playing, and knew it was talking about Arizona's PTSD. She let go of Arizona's hand instead of pulling her closer, placing her arm across Arizona's shoulders, Arizona leaning on her, tears were running down both of their faces, Callie went to say something but stopped as the next song began to play,

I've been having a hard time adjusting,

With the PTSD, and the plane crash, trying to deal with a new me, a less able me, I was scared, and I shut you out,

I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting.

My heelies are hanging up in the wardrobe,

I didn't know if you'd care if I came back.

Or if you care for me at all,

I have a lot of regrets about that.

So many regrets, I treated you so badly, I ignored you and our daughter,

Pulled the car off the road to the lookout,

I couldn't see, I derailed our dreams,

Could've followed my fears all the way down,

I let them overwhelm me,

And maybe I don't quite know what to say

The person who did the grand speeches is gone,

But I'm here in your doorway.

I travelled across the country to New York to find you,

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying.

Please Calliope, give me the words,

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying.

They told me all of my cages were mental.

PTSD is a mental prison, it's tough, but my cage was also physical, I couldn't get out, I couldn't leave, I was trapped,

So, I got wasted like all my potential.

That's why I did the fellowship, I wanted to feel success, I wanted to prove I could still do it, that my leg wasn't holding me back, that I wasn't still head of Paediatrics out of sympathy, or because they couldn't fire me because I was now disabled. I wanted to prove I was still useful. That I could still do it.

And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad.

We both do, we both know how to hurt the other,

I have a lot of regrets about that.

I was awful, I can't believe I offered to cut off your leg, I don't deserve you,

I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere,

I fell so hard, I've never been that low before, not even after Tim,

Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here.
Pouring out my heart to a stranger.

We feel like strangers, we've been so far apart,

But I didn't pour the whiskey!

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
At least I'm trying,

And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound,

Still, I feel bruised, and broken, I'm not better Callie, not fully, I wasn't before I got this head injury and certainly not now,

It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you,

Every date I compared to you,

You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town.

Everything makes me think of you, everywhere I go I see you,

And I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
(And maybe I don't quite know what to say)
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
At least I'm trying.

Taylor Swift, not many people knew that Arizona was a Swifty obsessed fan. Callie smiled, she was trying, and Callie even before the songs that she was ready to try again, ready to forgive, but she was loving this gesture.

"Cal…i…ooo…pppeeee I aaammm so….weee, cccaannn weeee ttttiiiiii aaaagggaaainnnn" Arizona stuttered out, it was clear she had been practicing this statement.

Instead of answering Callie smiled, she could see Arizona was tense, and she knew the songs were about forgiveness and the possibility of another chance but for Callie, she was beyond that, she stood, leaving Arizona on the sofa, not seeing Arizona's eyes going to the carpet dejected, taking Callie walking away as a negative, as a rejection. Callie meanwhile searched the phone using you tube to find the right track, turning back to Arizona once she found the track she was looking for, if Arizona was to communicate via song so would she,

Right from the start
You were a thief, you stole my heart,

In Joe's, I wasn't looking for love, or even a relationship,

And I, your willing victim

Always, I played the victim, but I was overwhelmed I lost you, I lost Mark and I think I lost myself along the way.

I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty.

You know me better than anyone,

And with every touch you fixed them

We fixed each other,

Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh
Things you never say to me, oh, oh,

You scream in your sleep, you beg Mark to hold on, tell him to think of me and Sofia, I never told you I knew but I see the guilty look when I bring up Mark, you blame yourself.

Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love,

Because I haven't, I thought I could live without you, and I can, I just don't want to.

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second, we're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again,

I love you, I love broken, bent you, you are my person Arizona, we can do this,

It's in the stars.

We are meant to be,

It's been written in the scars on our hearts.

Soul mates

We're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again.

I can forgive you if you can forgive me,

I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)

I was so sure we were getting better, we were working through your PTSD, I thought we were coming out of the other side.

Your head is running wild again,

You always do overthink things,

My dear we still have everything,

We have a beautiful daughter, a house, amazing jobs and we are back in the same city,

And it's all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happening)

Now you've been having real bad dreams, oh, oh

You still have nightmares,

You used to lie so close to me, oh, oh.

I wish I could hold you, I wish I was that person,

There's nothing more than empty sheets,

I miss holding you, I miss your warmth,

Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love.

I still love you,

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second, we're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again
I've never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again.

We can learn to be better,

Oh, tears ducts and rust.

So many tears,

I'll fix it for us.

I'm the fixer, it's what I do, it's what I did,

We're collecting dust
But our loves enough.

We are one of the great love stories, we can do it, we can make it.

You're holding it in

You've always tried to protect me,

You're pouring a drink
No, nothing is as bad as it seems.

Not when we are together, things are always brighter when we are together,

We'll come clean.

We need to talk, and more importantly we need to listen, to each other,

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second, we're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again,

I'm glad you want a second chance I want a second or third chance, this time it's forever I can feel it,

It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again,

I don't think I will ever forget how to love you,

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second, we're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again.

Oh-oh, we can learn to love again
Oh-oh, can learn to love again
Oh-oh, that we're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again.

Callie finished singing, noticing Arizona was now sobbing, she knelt by her, taking her hands.

"Arizona, I love you, I forgive you, and I know its going to be slow, I know I pushed you last time, but I just want you to know, I want to give us a go again," Callie promised, Arizona nodded, gently wiping Callie's tears as Callie wiped her own, Callie leant forwards, kissing Arizona gently,

"Now, I believe we have some cold pizza to eat" Callie joked; cold pizza was there thing. Arizona nodded, taking Callie's hand, she wasn't going to let her go again.