The first week was horrible, but after that - well, rehab wasn't as bad as Sky had feared.
The withdrawals had passed by now, and she was getting used to being sober, to living without the soft, safe haze the opiates had provided her. Sky had to admit that this environment was a lot better for that enormous task than home ever would have been.
Here she didn't have to worry about anything except getting better. No school, no social media, no pressure to be a good daughter or a friend - no Kyler calling her a slut or throwing her down the stairs, no Hawk breaking her heart.
She spent her days mostly in therapy - individual and group therapy, and art therapy too, even if she sucked at painting. But as the therapist said, it wasn't about how good the painting was - it was about the feelings she processed through the art - and boy, did she have a lot to process. But therapy wasn't all they did here - Sky was grateful for the strict day routine (even if she had hated it for the first couple of days when she had still been sick with withdrawals), all the physical exercise, the frequent meals, the beautiful surroundings, and especially the animals. They had horses and dogs here, and cats too, even farm animals like cows and sheep - apparently being with animals was a form of therapy too, and that was the one Sky liked the most.
Animals didn't ask you stupid questions that made you want to rip your heart out of your chest. They accepted you just like you were, they accepted your silence, and if you were kind to them, they were kind to you. Sky attended horse therapy every day - even if she had never tried horseback riding before.
"You look better," said Dad one afternoon when they were having tea in the garden. It was a beautiful day - the sun was high up on the cloudless sky and it was warm enough to sit outside, even if it was almost the end of November - something Sky really liked about California. The wind carried the scent of the Ocean, even if they weren't that near to the coast, and it ruffled Dad's blond hair. He had freckles on the bridge of his nose, Sky noticed as he smiled at her over the table.
"I feel better," she replied truthfully. "But I would give an arm for a cup of coffee."
"Maybe next week I'll take you for a ride one day and we pop by a Starbucks."
Sky flashed Dad a grin. "Yes, please! I'll never drink green tea again when I get out of here."
Tea was definitely the downside of this place - the people who ran this facility thought that caffeine and added sugar were as harmful as alcohol and drugs. They went for a full cleanse here, but Sky kept dreaming about milkshakes and frappuccinos topped with a mountain of whipped cream.
"You have to admit the tea is working, though. You look good, Sky. You look… almost like you did before."
Dad's voice was hopeful, kind, and Sky's heart ached. She didn't deserve Dad, she didn't deserve his never-ending love. With shame, she remembered the way she had acted the day Dad had brought her here - how she had thought it was because Dad had stopped loving her. Now she realized nothing could have been further from the truth. Dad had brought her here because he loved her, because he wanted to save her life.
And here, she had slowly begun to believe that it might be worth saving, after all.
"It's not the tea, though," Sky said. "It's… everything. Thank you, for bringing me here. This place isn't so bad."
Dad's throat bobbed and he looked down. They had talked about a lot of things during this week - Dad had visited every single day - but this was the first time Sky had admitted to him she needed to be in rehab, and she could only imagine how relieved Dad was to hear it.
"You stay here as long as you need to, okay? I don't want you to worry about anything else."
"Be careful what you wish for. Maybe I'll stay for good." Sky smiled as she took a sip of the green tea with chamomile and honey. It was good - not coffee or hot chocolate good, but okay. She was getting used to the tea and the therapy. She was getting used to not wanting to die all the time.
"So, you don't miss your phone anymore?"
"Oh, I miss my phone," Sky laughed and placed the cup back on the table. "But also - I don't? It's kinda liberating not to be in contact with anyone. Like, I don't have to worry about any of that - if it makes sense."
"It makes perfect sense. I grew up in the 80s - it was a wonderful period of time. I think social media has ruined the world, you know."
"I don't miss Instagram, that's for sure," Sky said, suddenly remembering all the mean messages she'd been receiving, the threats, the bullying, and the hurt erased her smile. She might be in a safe bubble now, but it was childish to think those things disappeared while she was away. They would all be waiting for her the minute she stepped a foot outside these gates, and she still had no idea how to cope with the real-world stuff without drugs.
"But I miss my friends," she continued, pushing the hurt away. There were good things outside the rehab bubble too, things she missed dearly. "I bet you had friends in the 80s even if you didn't have phones."
"So you are admitting I was once young? I might have to ask that in writing." Dad leaned back in his chair and crossed his long legs at the ankles while giving Sky a sideways smile.
Sky's only reply was a small laugh. A hummingbird was drinking from a feeder that hung from a branch of a nearby tree, and the bright green of its wings caught her eye. She had never paid much attention to hummingbirds before - probably being too busy staring at her phone or thinking about suicide - but here they seemed to be everywhere. Sky had sat hours on this chair, just watching them come and go, admiring the too-fast-for-the-eye flutter of their wings, the colors of the rainbow in their feathers. There was such beauty in this world - such breathtaking beauty in these short, passing moments.
"So, you haven't made any friends here?" Dad's voice cut her thoughts, and she drew her eyes off the hummingbird, turned them back to Dad.
Sky shrugged. "I mean, yeah. But Dad - everyone here is an addict. You sure you want me to hang out with these people after I get out of here?"
"They are addicts who want to get better. Just like you. It might do you good to have people around you who're going through the same." Dad said, and then, his smile suddenly disappeared as if a shadow had fallen over him. "Besides, it was your old friends who gave you the drugs in the first place."
Sky let out a sigh. Dad's notion made her moods sink.
"Dad, my friends had nothing to do with it. They didn't even know I was using."
"So you say. But as long as you're not telling me who it was, I can't help but think it was someone I know."
There was a lump in Sky's throat. She had to turn her eyes away, back to the feeder - but the hummingbird was gone now, carried away with its fast wings.
"Well, it wasn't."
A short silence.
"It wasn't Cody, then?"
Sky's hurt thumped in her chest, her cheeks heated. She tried to hide that emotion by picking up the cup of tea again and bringing it to her lips. "Dad, come on. How many times do I have to say it? He had nothing to do with it."
She hated lying to Dad about this - after all, she had been honest about almost everything else during this week. Hell, she had even told Dad about the bullying in school, and about the things Hawk had said to her that night on his front steps—
It had made Dad cry. Sky hated to think about that, it felt like a knife in her gut.
But - this thing, she couldn't tell Dad. It wasn't her secret to tell. Cody could get into so much trouble if someone found out he was a dealer - he could get kicked out of school, and worse. Besides, it made no difference anymore. Cody had said he was done selling to her, so there was no reason for Dad to worry.
Nevertheless, Dad seemed worried. There was a frown on his face as he looked at her and continued: "It's just the timing. You started using at the same exact time that you started to hang out with him—"
"Just drop it, Dad. We're just friends, there's nothing more to it."
Dad let out a long sigh, suddenly looking awkward.
"Sky… I know you're more than friends. It's okay, you can be honest about it."
"You— what?" The shock almost made Sky drop her cup of tea.
Silently Dad opened the brown leather briefcase he had placed on the ground next to his chair and pulled out a pile of letters. He laid them on the table between them, and Sky's heartbeat quickened as she noticed the topmost one - her name that was written on the envelope with handwriting she would have recognized anywhere.
Hawk–? No, it can't be, I must be mistaken.
Besides - we were talking about Cody–
But that sure wasn't Cody's handwriting - she would have recognized that also, the long lines and the smooth curves, the slight old-fashioned touch it had.
"You said you've missed your friends, so I thought it would cheer you up to get some letters from them," Dad said, and Sky drew her eyes off the letters back to his face. "Now, I don't know who mentioned it to Eli, but—"
Sky's heart gave a slow, painful thump. "Hawk— he— he wrote to me?"
"Yes, but—"
"You read it?" The shock and the hurt almost took her breath away. "You read the letters?"
She couldn't believe it, she didn't want to believe Dad would violate her privacy in such a way - but how else would he know about Cody being something more than just a friend to her? Or maybe it wasn't the letters after all. Maybe Dad had heard something that night when they were supposedly watching Cloud Atlas, but instead, Sky had been high as a kite, as she had sucked Cody's dick on the bed—
It had been the next day that Dad had searched her room and found the pills. So maybe Dad had known all this time - about Cody selling the drugs, about everything else too - and the questions he had asked before had been just to find out how long would Sky keep lying to him.
Her cheeks heated in shame, and she broke their eye contact. More than anything, she wished she could tell Dad the truth - but that was impossible.
"I didn't read your letters, I would never do such a thing," Dad spoke with slow, silent words.
"Then how did you know about me and Cody?"
Dad shifted in his chair, clearly uncomfortable. The letters still sat on the table in front of him, his hand lay on top of them, making it clear to Sky that she would only get them when they were done talking.
"When Eli was bringing his letter to me, Cody showed up at the same time. The things they said to each other… well, I cannot pretend that I didn't hear. You are sleeping with the boy, aren't you?"
"Oh my God, Dad—" Sky felt her cheeks burning. "Even if I was, I wouldn't talk about it to you! It's private!"
"And I am not asking you to. Lord spare me the details," Dad noted dryly. "But I can't help thinking this all has something to do with the drugs. Were you using together? Or has he demanded something from you in exchange for the drugs—?"
"Jesus, what are you implying?" Her voice broke mid-sentence as tears flooded her eyes. "That I slept with him to get drugs? What the fuck do you take me for–?"
She looked away, fighting the tears. She didn't want to think about the first night she had met Cody in his backyard, but still, she remembered the silence of the night, his beautiful black and white features, the sharp lines of his angular face, the way he had suggested she paid for the drugs by sucking him off. That memory had nothing to do with the way things were between them now, that cruel boy was not the Cody she knew. Still - sometimes that memory slithered back into her mind like a snake and poisoned everything that had come after.
Why do I care? He was just being honest about what he wanted. And it's not like I haven't given him a lot more after that.
She wiped off the couple of tears that had fallen to her cheeks and drew in a shaky breath.
"How the fuck am I supposed to get better when even my own Dad thinks I'm a crack whore—"
"Now stop that," Dad said sternly, leaning his elbows on the table. "I would never think that. I am just trying to understand what's going on. You just broke up with Eli - and I know how hard that was for you - and now you're with this other boy and you're keeping it a secret? How can I not think it has something to do with the drugs? How can I not fear he's taking advantage of you?"
"Well, he's not," Sky muttered. "And it's not about the drugs."
"Then what is it about?"
Sky shrugged. She really didn't feel like explaining her friends-with-benefits situation to Dad. It was none of his business. But Dad didn't say anything either, and finally, the silence between them grew so long that Sky gave in.
"Cody is amazing. He's smart and he's fun and he makes me laugh. And when I'm with him, I forget to think about Hawk."
"Is it a… rebound thing, then?"
Sky looked at her hands that were in her lap, her fingers were swallowed by the long sleeves of her oversized hoodie, their tips were pale, remnants of pink nail polish made them look scruffy. She wished she had nail polish remover, she wished she had coffee, she wished Dad would stop asking questions that made her feel like shit, and let her have those letters already.
"I.. don't know." A short silence. She kept her eyes down. "But— I kinda miss him."
"Well it certainly looks like he misses you too," Dad noted rather dryly, tapping a finger on the pile of letters on the table. "As does Eli. They were at each other's throats, Sky. You've left a mess behind - one you need to face and solve, sooner or later."
"They started a fight?" Sky's glance shot up. "Oh, God— Please tell me no one got hurt—"
"Instead of punches they only threw insults at each other, thank goodness. But as you know, words can cause a lot of hurt too."
"What did they say?"
"I'm not going to go into details, but let's just say that they ruined my evening." Dad's voice was tense, he looked seriously pissed, which truly made Sky wonder what had happened. It wasn't easy to make Dad that annoyed - the man had endless patience. "In fact - their behavior made me think I shouldn't even bring these letters to you. But then… I thought that maybe this is a chance for you to learn how to deal with your issues instead of just trying to drown them. If there is something in these letters that upsets you, then this might be the best place for you to process that."
Sky swallowed. She couldn't take her eyes off the letters now - the small one on the top, with her name written on it. She imagined Hawk writing it, his long, delicate fingers holding the pen as it traced her name on the envelope. What had he been thinking? Would she even want to know?
Would it only rip open the wounds that were just beginning to heal?
Dad pushed the pile of letters to her over the table, then leaned back in his chair again. His cup of tea sat forgotten on the table, just like hers and some moments passed in silence. Sky did nothing to take the letters, her hands were frozen in her lap.
"You don't have to read them," Dad said gently, after a short silence. "If you feel like you're not ready, it's okay. I can take them all back—"
"No, I want them," Sky breathed and picked up the letters, pressing them against her chest.
"Even the one from Eli?"
Sky didn't reply. What could she say? That more than anything, she wanted to know that Hawk still loved her, that he was sorry, that he had quit Cobra Kai, and that he was waiting for her. She wanted to know they would be together again, that this had all been just a bad dream, and now it would end, her heart would heal and there would be love, love, so much love that she would never be scared again, but—
At the same time, she wanted never to think about Hawk again. She wanted to get over him, to forget him, to heal. They had talked about Hawk in therapy, a lot. And she knew the therapist was right - break ups hurt, and that was okay - but the only way was up. She couldn't keep clinging onto this dream forever, this dream that had turned into a nightmare. If she didn't let go, it would keep breaking her heart over and over again, and it was only a matter of time before she started using drugs again, to drown that pain.
"I don't know, Dad," she said, hugging the letters against her aching chest. "But I guess you're right. If I'm gonna read what he has to say, it's better to do it here, than somewhere else."