The doorbell rang while Hawk was in the shower.
Fucking Demetri! Hawk let out a silent curse, wiping shampoo off his face. Why did he always have to be too early?
After the training Hawk had mentioned to his friends that Mom was away all evening, and Demetri - Who still seemed to think Hawk would slip back into the Dark Side as soon as he was out of sight - had offered to come over and watch a Marvel movie. It was fine and all, Hawk didn't mind, he had missed Demetri too and his company felt like being back home - but why the fuck was he here already?
Muttering curses, Hawk rinsed his hair and grabbed a towel as he rushed out of the shower. The water was dripping down his naked body and the doorbell kept ringing, annoying the shit out of him.
"Coming!" He yelled while searching for a fresh pair of sweats. Why didn't Demetri just let himself in? It wasn't like he didn't know where they kept the spare key, under the garden gnome next to the door.
Quickly he pulled on his underwear and stepped into a pair of gray sweats, grabbed a T-shirt but didn't bother pulling it on yet as his hair was still wet and dripping water all over his neck and shoulders. He rushed down the stairs, yanked open the front door.
"Fucking Hell, Dem—"
That sentence died on his lips. It wasn't Demetri at the door. It was Sky.
Her green eyes widened at the sight of his shirtless body. For a heartbeat or so, her eyes searched his naked chest, his lean arms, his six-pack and blush painted her cheeks with the color of rose petals, it crept down her neck.
Wait— she likes to see me like this?
A smirk almost touched Hawk's lips, but he suppressed it as Sky took a stumbling step back, to get further away from him, and drew her eyes off his body.
"Can you put something on?" Her voice came out thin, her jawline turned hard.
Hawk's cheeks heated, he ran a hand through the wet strands of his hair, suddenly embarrassed. "Shit— Yeah, sorry— I thought you were Demetri."
Hawk realized he was still grabbing the T-shirt in his hands, and hastily pulled it over his head. His upper body was still wet as the water kept dripping from his hair, gluing the shirt to his figure, but it couldn't be helped. If Sky didn't want to see, she could always look away.
Which was exactly what she did. She kept her eyes on the wall next to Hawk, and the only thing that told of any emotion was the burning of her cheeks.
"Umm, you want to come in?" Hawk's voice came out raspy, a bit broken.
"No. This— this won't take long."
Sky wrapped her arms around her body as if she was cold, and even if the night was warm, she was shivering in her bright Red Disney Christmas sweater which had a picture of Minnie Mouse. Her hair was free, unruly, a cloud of red flames that flew around her face as the wind came in from the Ocean, and a nameless longing squeezed the air out of Hawk's lungs.
He couldn't believe she was here.
After what had happened at the dojo—
Well, he had thought he would never see her again. That she would quit karate, change schools, that she would move to fucking Yemen to get the fuck away from him. But no, she was here, short and slender and beautiful in her mismatched clothes, so familiar to him that it took all he had not to reach out and pull her into his arms.
But he had no right to do that. Not now, not ever again, because—
The memory of the last time she had stood here just like this, slashed through Hawk's gut like a sword.
"Why would anybody be with you? To get some pussy."
He turned his eyes down and pushed his hands into the pockets of his sweats, as the cold stone of shame and guilt settled in his stomach. The memory of those words would always be there when he looked at her. It would always be this big, ugly stain between them, and he knew he could never wash it away.
The way Sky wouldn't even look at him, as if she was scared of the things he could do, was absolutely killing him.
"I'm sorry about what happened today," He said, forcing the words out so that they broke his voice. "I shouldn't have pushed you into talking. It was shitty of me."
She let out a sound that was half laugh, half sob. "Well, it was shitty of me to make a scene in front of everybody. I'm sorry too."
Her words felt like a blow.
"You've got nothing to be sorry about. Everything that's gone wrong between us, is my fault, and I'm s—"
"I don't want to hear your apologies," She interrupted, her voice a bit sharp. "That's not why I'm here."
"Then why are you here?"
She let out a sigh, and slowly sat down on the steps, as if it took too much strength to even stay on her feet. Hawk sank down next to her, his heart in his throat. He kept his distance, not wanting to scare her away by getting too close, but still, he could feel her near him as if there was an electric current running between their bodies. Her scent of vanilla and the strawberry shower gel she loved made Hawk's heartbeat quicken.
He had missed her scent like one misses a lost home - as a constant ache in his bones. Breathing it in now, with every shaky inhale, was driving him crazy. He hadn't been this close to her since— since fucking forever. Since some English classes before she went to rehab, maybe?
His hands were restless, he kept twisting them as he leaned his elbows to his knees.
"The thing is— I don't want to quit karate." Sky said after a short, awkward silence. "I might never be good at it again, but I don't even care. I want to keep doing it."
"I don't want to quit either."
"I know. I guess— I guess that means I have to get used to seeing you around."
Hawk's heart skipped some beats. He had been prepared for a fist in the face - or Hell, even a kick in the balls like Johnny had suggested, but this?
She wanted to make things work?
Maybe Demetri was right. If Hawk could only show Sky that Eli was back, then maybe there was a chance, however small, that she would one day forgive him.
He would do anything - any fucking thing - to make her believe he had changed.
"Okay," he rasped. "What can I do?"
"I really need you to give me some space. I don't— I don't know if you realize how hard it is for me to be around you. It's— it's fucking killing me." She paused to take a short, shaky breath. "So I need space. And you have to stop trying to shove your apologies down my throat."
He gave a silent nod, and Sky went on.
"And I don't want to hear your opinions about my love life. You have no right to talk about that. What's going on between me and Cody is none of your business."
Cody. Jealousy twisted Hawk's heart with cold, iron claws. Cody with his perfect face, his smooth manners, his expensive clothes. Smug, arrogant Cody, who had fucked Sky against the wall at the Halloween party, as if she sidn't deserve the world instead of some dirty, drunken hookup. Cody, who had such cold darkness in his heart that he had been prepared to shoot Kyler in the face while he lay on the floor, beaten up and defenseless.
"Fine. But Sky—" Hawk licked his lips to drive away the bitter taste of jealousy. "It's just— how well do you really know him? He might not be a good guy—"
"Jesus! You're one to talk!"
"Please, just hear me out—"
"No! You don't get to talk about him—" Sky's voice broke mid-sentence, it cracked with anger like the air cracks with electricity when the thunder hits. "After what you did to him— Do you have any idea how badly you beat him up? I was there to clean his wounds. I was there to wash the blood off his hair. I was there to hold his hand when he— Jesus, Hawk! You almost killed him! You don't get to talk about who's the good guy here."
Hawk's jaw clenched tight at that memory. Cody bleeding on the floor tiles, unconscious in a pool of vomit. He remembered his own raw, ruthless laughter, how it had echoed off the walls. He had wanted Cody dead, had left him there, and walked away. The shame tasted like bile at the back of his throat.
"I'm sorry," he breathed, staring at his feet, his bare toes against the cold stone of the front steps. "That— went too far. I never should have done that."
The silence that followed was heavy and tense.
"I'm not the one you need to apologize to."
"You want me to apologize to Cody?" Hawk almost felt sick at that thought. "He won't even look at me. No way is he going to let me apologize, or forgive me—"
"Well, can you blame him?"
Hawk swallowed the sharp reply that was already on the tip of his tongue. Cody was far from innocent. He had sold drugs to Sky - and to how many others, Hawk didn't even know. He had a reputation for treating girls like crap. He was violent, volatile, he had almost slit Hawk's throat at that fight at the Halloween party, he had pointed a gun at Kyler's face. The dude was an asshole. But—
Takes one to know one. I'm not any better than that, am I?
They sat silently for a while, Hawk swallowing the bitter taste that lingered on his lips, clenching and unclenching his fists, Sky her head hanging low, drawing small circles on the steps next to her pink sneakers with the tip of her index finger. The wind blew hard from the sea and Hawk was shivering in his wet T-shirt - or maybe it wasn't the wind that made him shiver like this, maybe it was Sky, her closeness, her scent, the fact that she was still here, that she showed no sign of leaving even if this conversation was clearly draining her strength.
"Can I— can I ask you a question?" Hawk broke the silence, turning his eyes to Sky.
"Depends."
"How are you? I know you went to rehab… I was worried."
Sky sighed and ran a hand through the mess of her hair.
"I'm okay," a short silence. "Rehab wasn't so bad. I kinda liked it there."
"You did?"
"Yeah. There was this guy, Luke. We became friends. And I just… I loved the place. I loved that we didn't get to use our phones. Social media is so full of shit - I was better off without it."
Luke? Hawk pushed away the annoying hint of jealousy. Sky was allowed to have friends. It was none of his business.
"So, no more drugs?" He asked instead.
"No more drugs," Sky shrugged. "I haven't been without opiates this long since Kat died. It's fricking weird, but— But it's okay. I think I'm gonna be fine."
"Good," he breathed. "I'm glad."
"I miss it, though. I miss the silence, I miss that when I was high, I didn't have to feel anything. Because today sucked big time, and I really didn't want to feel what I felt."
Hawk didn't ask what that was. He had a pretty good idea of what she meant.
"How can you date a guy who sold you drugs, though? Isn't that— a bit risky?"
Sky shrugged.
"Cody doesn't do that anymore."
Hawk frowned. "He doesn't sell to you anymore?"
"To anyone. He quit. To be able to be with me."
Hawk swallowed, but the clenching around his windpipe wouldn't ease. So, Cody wasn't in the drug business anymore? Hawk knew he should be happy about that, because it was a good thing for Sky, but—
How could he be happy when jealousy was a raging beast inside of his ribcage, ripping his heart apart?
"That's— that's good." He forced the words out of his mouth.
"I know you hate him," Sky said silently. "But you don't know him at all. He is kind. He is gentle. And he—"
"Yeah, I get it," Hawk snapped, harsher than he had meant. "He's fucking perfect, you've moved on. End of story."
"Nobody is perfect. Me the least of all." Sky's voice was sad, and her sadness crept onto Hawk.
The wind brushed Sky's hair off her face, and she looked up, met Hawk's eyes. For a heartbeat or so, they just looked at each other and Hawk's heart thumped heavily against his ribs, so loud he was sure Sky would hear it.
"I just want you to know it wasn't true. I didn't let you win at the All Valley. I never thought that your issues were too much, or that there was something wrong with you. And— what I said about why anybody would be with you— it was a stupid, stupid lie. I lied because I wanted to hurt you. I was never with you just because of— because of sex. I was with you because I loved you."
Sky drew her knees against her chest and hugged them tightly. Her hair fell to cover her face from his view, and he had no idea what was going through her mind. The silence was heavy between them, their truce too fragile. He had said too much, he hadn't said enough.
"I don't even know which is worse," Sky finally spoke, her voice thin and frail. "That you meant all those things, or that you didn't - and wanted to say them just to hurt me."
Her words squeezed the air out of Hawk's lungs. The words he wanted to say were a lump in his throat, and he couldn't force them out. And what was there to say, anyway? That he was sorry? She knew that already, and she had told him to stop shoving his apologies down her throat.
"Sky, I—"
"I'm sorry, I have to go. I can't— I can't do this."
And then she was on her feet, brushing her hair behind her ear in a way that was too familiar, that called for Hawk to take her hand, to kiss that spot under her ear, but it was never going to happen, never again, and he clenched his fists tight to keep himself from doing something stupid.
She rushed down the steps, as fast as that bad leg allowed, and Hawk watched her go, watched her step into that car, watched her drive away from his life once again, and the last sentence he had been about to say died on his lips.
He could still taste those words, though, even hours later when he lay on his bed and tried to recall every small detail of her, of their conversation that had only lasted minutes, when her scent wasn't in the air he breathed anymore, but it was again just a memory, a fool's wish, an unrequited dream.
I love you.