a/n: i want to thank all of you faithful readers/followers for keeping with this story, even if it's may be a bit rough around the edges-you guys make my day! i promised this was around when the story would really bloom, and i'm holding out on that promise, just bear with me.
"It's mortifying to be the one who remembers."-Ryan O'Connell
Chapter 10
"I thought you were dead."
"Well, that's no way to greet your mother after all that has transpired, is it?" My mother asked, keeping that twinge of humor in her voice that seemed to annoy me endlessly.
It was true-after the incident on Kef Bir, I thought my mother had died. Rey obviously had to, as I had been privy to her procrastinated grieving during our Force exercises. I had a feeling though, on Exegol, that my mother was alive after all. I hated to admit it, but the Force truly was sometimes just about a feeling.
That thought had simultaneously made me relieved and anxious, as I was glad to know my mother was not dead, but knew she'd be my judge and on the jury of deciding my fate.
"Does Rey know?" After all, she hadn't told me. My mother eyed me strangely, probably curious as to why I was asking about Rey instead of talking about literally anything else.
"I don't think so. I was told she visited for a few hours before venturing to Exegol, but I was technically dying and I think Dameron made the decision to just let her believe I was already gone." My mother was standing in her very industrial meeting room, the one she used for her closest advisors, and she looked out of place in her slightly carefree outfit of loose-fitting white. She sort of looked like those tree-huggers on Naboo I had seen a few times. "That girl has been through enough, giving her false hope would have been cruel." I was glad that these people spared Rey as much harshness as they could. She deserved at the very least that much.
We sat in a very uncomfortable silence, me propped up in a chair with my leg up, being attended to by medical droids with bacta and other supplies that only made me cringe in pain. So far, they were just dealing with my minor injuries-I was dreading when they got to the more pressing issue of my broken leg. It was also weird to have my very short mother looking down at me-if there was one thing I appreciated about my height, it was that I never had to be looked down upon.
"I don't know what to do about you, Ben," my mother said gravely. In my adrenaline-induced haze, I said the first thing that came to mind.
"I know it's outlawed by the Republic, but I'm somewhat still convinced you may make an exception and give me the death penalty." I said it so cavalierly and the way my mother's nostrils flared at me made me feel like I was ten years old again. I had recently come around to the idea that
"Ben, don't be so crude," she glared at me. "This is serious. Of course we will not be sentencing you to death. My own son..." she was muttering now, as she sometimes did when she was irritated with my father or myself. The droids were now cutting my trouser leg, and I prepared for pain like white lightning.
"I wouldn't blame you. Hell, the entire galaxy wouldn't blame you. I've done...things I cannot take back. You of all people know this.' I was levelling with her. I didn't want to die, but I would accept that fate-it was only fair, given how many lives perished at my hand, by my order.
My mother looked at me with sorrow, with slight irritation still. She sat opposite me, looking every bit a diplomat as she folded her hands on the table in front of her.
"I've thought long about this moment, Ben." The droids had stopped, for some reason. Probably so we could talk before I'd be rendered incapable. "I've waited for you to come home...to see my son again. However, I know people deserve justice. The man you once were must be held accountable by the Republic. I cannot excuse you simply because you are my child." I knew all of these things already. I wasn't expecting anything within the realm of nepotism to aid me now.
"I know, it's only fair," I admitted, swallowing. "I'm ready to accept whatever punishment you see just." My mother nodded once, clearly deliberating as she looked down at the table.
"You will be brought before a panel of some of the Republic's best minds and honorable chairpersons. Your case can be argued however you see fit, and you are allowed witnesses, of course. Until then, you'll be held in a cell in the med bay." My mother looked back up at me. This was all procedure, I knew it. I still only had a couple of questions.
"What do you think my suggested punishment will be?" I asked calmly. I truly was not afraid of this prospect. I deserved far more torment for my actions, actually.
"I'd imagine it would be life imprisonment. I can't imagine the committee would agree on anything less." She spoke with no sorrow, but I could still feel her pain. I felt pain myself, mostly in my leg. But also for her, for the fact that this is what her son was. A war criminal about to have a proper war criminal tribunal.
"When will the trial take place?"
"In a couple of days, once you've been taken care of," she gestured to my leg which was oozing and gushing and was causing me so much pain I kind of felt like I could punch a wall. I only nodded a couple of times.
"Ben, I'm so glad you've come home," my mother said softly, looking at me with warm brown eyes that echoed my own. "You've never stopped being my son. Thank you for doing what was right. For being here," she looked a little bit misty-eyed now. "I'll visit you where ever you're sent, okay? I won't make you be alone again." I knew she was being honest, and I could feel the years of pain and grief and sadness washing over her, washing over me now. Of what she had lost. At what I'd become. At what was happening to me now.
"I have another question," I told her, sounding calm and collected. I could wallow in self-hatred later. My mother furrowed her brow for only a second, then looked at me expectantly.
"Of course, ask anything you'd like," she said in such a motherly way I truly did feel ten again.
"When can I see Rey?" I asked almost too soon, so eager. But I was. It had been difficult seeing Chewie carry her away, knowing I couldn't be at her side. I wondered if she was awake yet. I was too weak to feel for her signature.
My mother looked almost relieved by this question, like she had been expecting something much more troublesome or personal. But then she looked a bit suspicious. Yup, I was totally ten again.
"You'll be in the med bay together, so I'm assuming once your leg is all taken care of." She said it slowly, like she was trying to figure out what I was up to. I was up to nothing-just wanted to see Rey again. I nodded once, and with a slight wave of my mother's hands, the droids began to hoist me up and away to the med bay, moving my so fluidly it was like my leg wasn't being moved at all.
I stared up at the ceiling, when I felt the droids stop. I almost sat up, but I heard my mother's voice travel to me quietly.
"Your father would have been so proud of you, Ben." She said so solemnly, I could start weeping right then and there. But instead the droids waited a beat and then carried me to the med bay, and on the way, in my pain and exhaustion, I drifted into sleep.
After we were done hugging, I was starting to become more aware, coming out of my post-faint haze. I had questions.
"When can I see Ben? Where is he?" I sounded so defensive, and both of the men sitting in front of me looked at me like I was insane. They glanced at each other, then looked back at me.
"Um, Ren is..." Poe was obviously trying to think of how to say what he was about to say, which he almost never did. This was not good, and I felt my face harden into a look of determined frustration. "He's..." he sighed. "He's chatting with Leia."
What the kriff did he mean by that? Was her Force ghost somewhere on base, tearing him apart with verbal abuse only a diplomat could pan out?
The confusion on my face must have been obvious, because both men did a weird variation of shrugging and sighing and running their hands over their face.
"Rey, we thought it best not to tell you...but Leia's alive. She didn't die. We only let you think that, because, well, she was dying." Finn was stepping in for Poe now. I could fume at both of them, but right now was such a serendipitous moment in our lives I knew I had to keep it together. For sentimentality's sake.
"We thought we were going to lose her, that we'd already lost her, really, and we didn't want to give you false hope," Poe was explaining to me now, looking truly sorry. "We were going to tell you, Rey, we just needed to wait a little bit longer when you arrived to see if she recovered." I was gritting my teeth, and my nostrils were flared, and my hands were in fists, but I had to speak coolly.
"Did she recover?" I asked, tautly.
"Yes, the doctors said she recovered almost miraculously when we were up on Exegol," Poe assured me.
"We really were going to tell you, Rey," Finn told me. "We just needed time, and, well, destiny was calling. But she's fine, and I'm sure you'll see each other soon. She's still having to rest a lot, and the doctors are probably already worried about how much she's been doing today around base." I calmed down now, because I could see how honest Poe and Finn were being, and wouldn't I have done the same thing in their positions? I relaxed into the back of the med bay bed.
"Okay, it's fine," I sighed. "Just remember to keep me updated on important shit like this in the future, 'kay?" I looked at them like I was reprimanding schoolchildren. They nodded quickly, but then looked at me with sheepish grins. We burst into laughter.
"Okay, okay, enough," I snorted out. "I'm sure my diaphragm probably hates me by now," it was true-there was a bit of pain still in my aching body, but I welcomed the laughter. It was so warm and comforting to be with my best friends again. Actually, that reminded me.
"Where's Rose?" I asked, worriedly.
"She's totally fine, just busy doing some equipment checks and repairments," Finn assured me. "She was actually part of the crew that was ready to welcome your landing, until we saw-" he cut himself off, unsure of how to refer to Ben. Poe stepped in with no hesitation as Finn looked clearly uncomfortable referring to his old boss.
"Yeah, and when we saw it was that bastard, she was part of the crew ready to open fire," Poe admitted, almost proudly. My eyes widened in horror.
"You were going to shoot him?!" I asked, incredulous. The man had saved my life, for kriff's sake!
"Yes, we were, actually," Poe looked offended. "He comes to our base in your ship holding your fainted ass. We thought he killed you Rey, and was ready to do the same to us." I hated to admit it, but I could see where he was coming from.
"Did you not hear anything I said on the Supremacy? About how Ben was changed, and he was on our side-" Poe cut me off.
"Yeah, I did, and frankly I thought you were under some weird Jedi mind tricks," he crossed his arms in front of his chest. I glared at him.
"That only works on the weak-minded." I reminded him. He shrugged.
"The Force works in mysterious ways," he said nonchalantly, as if he knew even a smidgen of what wielding the Force actually meant. I rolled my eyes.
"Anyways," I said pointedly. "When can I see Ben?" The boys in front of me looked at each other, then back to me. Finn scratched his head.
"Um, he'll probably be coming to the med bay soon, so after he's all done I'm sure you can see him," he spoke as if he were lying, or hiding something. I narrowed my eyes at him, still too tired to probe his mind to figure out what his weird change in tone was all about. The idea of seeing Ben again did make my heart thump, though, I noticed.
"What did he do to you, anyways?" Finn asked, serious now. I knew they'd need answers sooner rather than later. I chewed on what to tell them, on how to make it sound as galaxy-shattering as it was, making sure to omit the kiss we had shared...which I wanted to ask Ben about now that I thought of it...
Focus, Rey. You have to explain yourself.
"He saved my life," I admitted honestly. "I agreed to be his prisoner under the ruse that we'd train together, but the whole time I was trying to get him on our side. He fell for it, accepted it...and on Exegol, I died. And he saved me life." This was the answer, short and sweet and simple. The only one people would need to know. The details, like Ben and I's nights connected through the Force, talking about what we were going to do about this war, our times spent sparring and training together, my dream, Ben and I's kiss...no one else needed to know about that. That was between him and I.
"Oh, come on, Rey, there's more to it than that," Poe was prying. I shook my head.
"Nope. This is the explanation you will receive, and you will be grateful," I told him, stifling a yawn. The boys rolled their eyes.
"Seriously? What, is it 'top secret' or something? I'm General now, so I can know that kind of stuff, you know?" Still prying.
"No, it's just not relevant," I admitted, truthfully. They didn't need to know about what had transpired between Ben and I. "The important thing is is that he's changed. Ben's himself again. He's here, with us, and that's all that matters." With me, I wanted to say, but held myself back. The boys obviously were not totally satisfied with this answer.
"Great, I'll be sure to include this very short very important story in the base meeting later," Poe sounded gruff. I turned my head at this mention of a base meeting.
"Base meeting? Can I come?" I asked, wanting to see Poe in all his General action.
"No can do, Rey," Poe shook his head. "You have to recover. Don't worry, though, we have them every so often, so you'll get to be at one soon." I liked the sound of that.
"You can see this idiot stumble over his words all evening long," Finn grinned and elbowed Poe in the shoulder. Poe opened his mouth in dismay, putting his hands up in front of him.
"I do not!"
"Yes, you do, but don't worry, it's...what's a good word? Endearing," Finn said teasingly. Poe rolled his eyes.
"Don't call me 'endearing', call me 'a crusher of public speeches'," Poe demanded half-jokingly. I couldn't help but laugh. This was so comfortable, being back here with them. I didn't stifle my yawn this time though. They were still bickering when I began to hunker down into my bed covers again.
"Okay, guys, I appreciate you helping me save the galaxy and whatever and being here while I recuperate," I told them in a comedically serious manner. "But I've got some serious recovering to do while catching some much needed shut-eye. So, if you don't mind, go bicker elsewhere." I smiled sleepily up at them. They both came to pat me on the shoulder, Finn bending down to peck me on the side of my head, and lowered their bickering to whispers.
"I'm just saying, it's not as easy as it looks, and you're really just a deputy General, you know? You have no idea..." Poe was so passionate about this topic, it turned out.
"Hey, I was still appointed, even if it was by you," Finn retorted. I smiled to myself at these two idiots.
"Bye, guys," I called as they left. "See you later." They stopped after they stepped through the door, BB-8 trailing after them cheerily.
"Bye, Rey," they called back to me. The last thing I heard was the whoosh of the door closing right after they moved their bickering up to normal volume.
As I settled into the bed, I fell into sleep almost immediately. Almost, because right before consciousness eluded me, I thought of where Ben was, and wished I had enough strength to call out to him.
I woke up feeling uncomfortable. I didn't open my eyes, finding the darkness comforting. I could tell my leg was being suspended in the air, attached to some rig that was hooked to the ceiling. I had bacta patches on me, bacta flowing through me. At least I didn't have to be put into a bacta tub, which basically meant wearing a suit that made me feel like a human air cake.
The last thing I remembered was passing out after the meeting with my mother, and I was glad I hadn't been awake for the work on my leg, although it felt considerably better now.
The only sound in the room was the beeping of machines around me. That is, until a rustling to my left alarmed me. Was someone here, watching over me? Seeing as I was technically a prisoner?
I opened my eyes immediately, looking to my left with such fervor I could have given myself whiplash. I almost did, given what I saw when I looked that way.
It was her. She lay, facing away from me, on a med bay bed only a few feet from mine. She was huddled underneath her covers, her hair mussed against the pillow.
I tried very awkwardly to sit up, which involved a lot of shimmying, and propped myself up to try to lean forward to see her face. Which I couldn't. If I was a total moron, I would have tore my leg down and hobbled over to her bed, but I knew that'd probably make her angry at me for disrupting my recovery. She was caring, that way, even for a monster like me.
My dreams weren't as forgiving as she was, I had discovered in the last few hours. I was surprised I hadn't writhed around so much to ruin my leg even more.
It was a special kind of torture, watching her sleep so far away. I didn't want to wake her-she needed her rest. Had she woken since she had fainted? Kriff, that felt like a lifetime ago.
Even facing away from me, she seemed so at peace. Her breathing deep and even, the move of her shoulders as she dreamed. How I foolishly wanted to reach out and hold her shoulder, to try to comfort her. But maybe my presence, my touch, would make her cringe now. In the harsh aftermath of her side winning the war, maybe she would no longer believe my redemption was important. I tried to push those thoughts away. I did agree, however, that I would do whatever she wanted. If she never wanted to see me again, if she wanted me moved to another room, I would do so instantly. She deserved at least that, and I didn't deserve even being in the same room as her. I had to hope, though, not that I was allied to the Light, that she would want me around.
Which reminded me. Of Exegol. Of thinking she had died, of being so despairingly heartbroken I'd have preferred my leg being broken a thousand times over and over again and then some. Of the way she said my name when I brought her back. Of when she kissed me.
She kissed me. She...kissed me.
Why?
Was it her way of saying 'thank you'? Was it some strange Jakku-custom I had never heard of? Did she do it in the flurry of mixed emotions in the moment? Why would she ever want to kiss me?
And why would she do it so...desperately? Like she needed me?
I shook my head at that thought. She didn't need me. It was probably because it was all she could think to do for the person who saved her life. It meant nothing to her.
I couldn't believe it meant everything to me.
I didn't have time to ponder this, really, when the door opened. I could see Chewie sitting right outside, armed, not looking inside the room. R2-D2 was keeping him company, I also noticed. I was not really prepared for the verbal abuse I knew Chewie was going to hurl at me sooner or later, but I knew I couldn't avoid it. I knew I needed to hear what he said, too. I was just glad right now was not that time.
Or, at least, I thought not. But then I realized his paw was up on the entrance board, holding the door open. He stood slowly, rising to his towering height, and turned to face into the room. To face me.
Great. So now was that time.
He walked in calmly, looking over at Rey for a moment to check to see if she was okay, I supposed. But then his gaze settled on me. The door closed, leaving R2 outside.
"Hey, kid," he said to me in Shryiiwook. I answered in Standard.
"Hello," I said slowly, worried he would explode on me at any moment. And possibly rip my head off.
"I wasn't expecting to see you today," Why the weird small talk? I wanted him to just get to the point. I was tired already of the awkward pretenses.
"Couldn't say the same about you," I admitted. "I knew you'd want to see me." He looked at me a bit more coldly now.
"I didn't have to come see you, kid," he said, almost as if to berate me. The way he called me 'kid' reminded me so much of my father I couldn't help but tense.
"I know," I lowered my gaze for a second. "Thank you for stopping by anyways." I did appreciate seeing him, seeing a familiar face, even if it was going to yell at me and possibly rip my juggular out.
"Yeah, well, you're welcome," he said it a bit haughtily. He had spent way too much time around my father. He looked over at Rey again. "Has she woken since you've been here?" He talked much more gently in reference to Rey.
"Not since I've been awake," I shook my head. He nodded once, and looked back at me, levelling with me.
"There's a lot I want to ask you, kid," he started. "To know. There's so much I can't fathom, that I've struggled with...your parents cared about you so much, they would have done anything for you-" I couldn't help but cut him off. Being on this base did not erase my past with my parents, nor did it erase my temper.
"Yeah, like send me off in my time of need in fear of their son, to an Uncle who distrusted him even more," I bit out.
"Do NOT interrupt me when I'm speaking to you, boy," Chewie barked. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Rey rustle at the sound, but she didn't wake. Good. She probably didn't need to hear this conversation.
"Your parents loved you more than anything, Ben," Chewie was panting in anger. "They thought what they were doing was right. What you needed. What would you have done if you were in your father's position?" I scoffed.
"Oh, trust me, in my father's position I would have done much differently-" I was cut off by another bark.
"You will NOT disrespect your father in front of me like this, boy," he was glaring at me. Rey still did not wake. I couldn't help it-I still had my reservations against my parents, particularly my father.
"He loved you Ben," Chewie was crying now. "You meant everything to him, and you know he knew nothing about the Force, he didn't know how to handle what happened," he was crying, giant, hot, angry tears. Mournful tears. I lowered my gaze to my bed.
"I know," I admitted quietly. "I know. He wasn't perfect-"
"But he tried!"
"He did try," I agreed softly. "And he didn't deserve to die. I can't take that back, even though I've wanted to since the moment I did it. I can't take back anything I've done, Chewie." I looked up at him, feeling the tears stinging my own eyes now.
"Kid, I've known you all the decades of your life. I've known your father a hell of a lot longer than you have," I winced inwardly at Chewie's words. Wishing I could have known my dad for longer. "And I know he wasn't perfect. Far from it, actually. He was so scared when he found out Leia was pregnant with you, he was practically shaking when he told me. But he was so happy, Ben." I was crying now. Silently. "He was so happy to have a son. To have you in the Falcon, to spend days with you and your mother. He loved you so much, he didn't even know what to do with all of that love. He tried to be perfect. He was so afraid of turning out like his own father." I knew about my father's animosity towards the absent father in his own life.
"Trying to be perfect does more harm than good," I pointed out. Chewie nodded.
"He came to realize that, kid," he told me. "But he loved you. And cared about you. He let your mother and your uncle figure out what to do about you because he had no idea. He thought he was doing the right thing." I nodded solemnly.
"I'm sorry, Chewie," I really was. "I'm so sorry. If I could take it back, I would." It was the truth-I thought about it every day. Chewie nodded in acknowledgement.
"I know kid," he moved closer to me. "I know you are. I just needed to talk to you. To let you know that although I can't forget, I do forgive you. You're a different man now." He leaned in for a hug. I hugged him in return, slightly awkwardly around his shoulders as he bent down. These were the hugs of my childhood, spending days playing with Uncle Chewie.
"I miss him." I admitted with a thick throat. Chewie sniffled.
"I do too, kid," he told me. "I do, too." He rose up from the hug, stepping away again. We looked at each other tearily for a moment, then he looked away at Rey, who was still fast asleep.
"I'll have another talk to you about her, later," he said, looking back at me once more, before turning around and exiting, closing the door behind him, before I could say anything.
What the hell did that mean?
I woke up when the bottom corner of my bed dipped down. Someone was sitting on my bed. When I was trying to sleep. Not a wise decision on their part.
I peeked up at my visitor with one eye, and saw it was Finn. Okay, so that meant it was a visitor I didn't have to be nice to. I kicked him in the hip and closed my eye again.
"Ow!" He yelped. I smiled sleepily to myself. "What was that for?"
"Interrupting me when I'm sleeping," I told him. I raised an arm out from beneath the covers to point to myself. "Getting some very well-needed rest right now. Please leave and come back later." Finn put a hand on my ankle and shook it, jarring me out of sleep completely.
"Fine!" I grunted. I opened my eyes to glare at him. I dramatically sat up, not taking my eyes from him, huffing all the while, crossing my arms across my chest when I was comfortable in my new position.
I was going to say something again in admonishment to him, but I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.
Ben Solo was in the med bay bed next to mine. Staring right at me with wide, brown eyes. Looking better than I had last seen him, as he was now clean and all wrapped up in bacta. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
"I only have a few minutes, Rey, so I came to give you this," he was trying to get my attention, but I was too busy feeling the Force around Ben, still staring at him. He was relatively calm, feeling better, but very interested in what was happening in my head. He wasn't quite strong enough to push his way in there, yet.
I didn't even notice Finn was holding something in front of me until he nudged my arm with it.
"Rey, I need you to focus," he sounded hurried. I finally broke my gaze away from Ben and looked at what Finn was prodding me with. It was very obviously a box of food. Food! Thank the Maker for Finn, even if he did interrupt my sleep.
"Oh, Finn, I'm starving," I exclaimed, moving my arms to hug him tightly around the neck. "Thank you thank you thank you!" I nearly yelled with delight. He chuckled at me and as I pulled back, he set the container next to me. Before I was fully away, he kissed the side of my temple, like he had earlier when he and Poe left, but I felt a disturbing crackle of energy emit from Ben. I turned my head quickly to look at him, and he was silently fuming, glaring at Finn. Was he mad that Finn hadn't brought him any food? I'd have to ask someone around here to bring him some, he was probably just as starved as I was, if not more, given a man of his size.
"Rey, again, focus," Finn pulled my eyes away from Ben again. "I came to tell you something. I can't keep it to myself any longer. Only Rose knows." He sounded giddy, and I quirked my eyebrows up at him, expectantly.
"What is it?" I was a bit nervous at what he was going to tell me. If only Rose knew, maybe it was a new project he was doing on base? Maybe it had something to do with his newfound Force sensitivity? Finn flicked his eyes to where Ben lay, still sitting there with anger rolling off of him in palpable waves. Kriff, he must be hungry to be so mad at Finn. Finn hesitated.
"What's wrong?" I asked, more worried now. Finn was looking at me, his lips pressed into a line, thoughtful.
"I guess you will know now, and him," he didn't even look at Ben. I tilted my head towards him anxiously now.
"Finn, seriously, you're making me nervous," I admitted. Finn cracked a smile.
"Don't worry, it's nothing bad," he assured me. He was doing a lot of that today. "It's actually something great." I relaxed now, but I was still expectant. I waited for him to continue.
"So, it's been going on for a little while now, but," Finn grinned ear to ear. "Poe and I have been seeing each other. Secretly." My expectancy turned into full blown joy.
"Oh my Maker! Finn!" I went in for another hug. Ben's energy was a bit calmer now, I noticed. "Why didn't you guys tell me sooner?" I demanded with a smile on my face. I had known they would end up together soon; Rose and I were getting tired of making bets on when exactly they would.
"Poe's been so busy, and earlier we didn't know if you could take so much news at one time, so we were gonna wait, but I just had to come tell you," he was so happy, he was talking so fast. My heart felt so full for my friends.
"Why are you keeping it secret?" I asked.
"Poe just doesn't want people to think he took me on as Deputy with bias, you know?" Finn told me.
"Plus keeping it secret makes it so much more sexy, right?" I asked, jokingly, and while Finn cackled, I could feel Ben's energy spike strangely. Did he really dislike Finn so much? Was it because he was a defected stormtrooper? I would have to mention that, later...
Finn looked at me with some finality.
"I really only came over here to tell you that, and to bring you food, and I gotta run before the base meeting," he made to stand up.
"Oh, okay," I said, sort of sad we couldn't talk more about this interesting development in his love life, but also glad I could have some time to talk to Ben now, in private. "I'll see you later, right?" I asked. Finn was backing up towards the door, with a bit of a kick in his step.
"Yep, I'll come back with Rose so you can see her," he told me, and I was excited to see her again. "Anyways," he eyed Ben, then looked back at me. "Have a nice night, I'll see you later." And with that, he was gone.
I wanted to talk to Ben immediately, but my stomach felt like it was going to collapse in onto itself so I just had to dig into my food first. Once I had shovelled the first bite into my mouth, I looked over at Ben, who was looking at me with the same wide-eyed gaze.
We continued looking at each other in an odd silence, until, with food still in my mouth, I broke into a closed mouth grin. He was here. We were here. We had done it.
"Hello." Ben greeted me, and his voice was slightly rough from, I'm assuming, lack of hydration and not having to use it for so long. I wondered how long he had been in here while I've been asleep. I swallowed my food.
"Hi," I breathed in a relieved sigh. "How are you? Have you seen your mother? She's not dead, you know, Finn and Poe let me know, and they said you met with her-" he cut me off gently.
"Yes, I've seen her," he told me. "And I'm okay. Officially in the process of healing. How are you?" His eyes were not wide now, but softened, and he was so Ben it made my heart squeeze.
"I'm okay, also healing now," I said it with a comedic flourish. He chuckled lightly, his dark eyelashes fluttering. I continued to eat.
"So," I asked through a mouthful of food. "Are you aware that our daunting tale of victory is going to be briefed in the meeting? I gave Finn and Poe the very baseline details, so it will really only be information the base needs to realize you've left Kylo Ren behind-" now, I cut myself off. Ben was no longer looking at me. Was it because I used his former title? I didn't particularly enjoy mentioning it, but it could not be avoided, at least not in these early stages of getting him acclimated to the Rebellion.
"Ben?" I asked, softly. "Is something wrong?" He continued to look at the floor ahead of him, in between our beds, with a slightly furrowed brow. Like he was concentrating on a thought.
"Ben?" I called again. "Where did you go?" I knew he would struggle with bouts of traumatic stress and flashbacks. I knew the Dark would still linger somewhere in his head. I just wanted him to know I was here to help him. I was aware of such issues, too. Painfully so. But obviously not the same calibre as his own.
"It's nothing, just..." he drifted off, but then turned to look at me. "What my mother and I discussed." I brought my brows together.
"Whatever it is, I'm here to listen," I assured him. He looked at me with an expression I couldn't quite decipher, but it made me blush for some reason. "I made a promise to you, Ben. I'm still here." He continued to gaze at me in that...way.
"It's nothing I think you could help me with, I'm afraid," that dismayed me. "We discussed my punishment. I'm to have a trial in a couple of days' time. We're both convinced I'll get life imprisonment." He said the words with such surety, such calmness, and I couldn't fathom why. How could the Rebellion do that? When Ben had risked his life, to save all of ours. He was Ben now, not Kylo Ren-they were putting the wrong man on trial! He couldn't be punished. He could not be sent away, forever.
Forever. Oh, Maker. My stomach churned. My mouth ran dry.
"Wh-what do you mean? Shouldn't they grant you clemency?" I asked, speaking too fast, with an urgency, my voice rising an octave. "They can't do that, you've helped save us, you don't deserve such a punishment." My breathing was picking up pace. Ben was looking at me with the same gentleness, but now I thought I saw sorrow in the deep brown of his eyes. I didn't need his pity, I needed him to see how I wanted to help him. He probably thought me pathetic, for being so emotional over him. After all, he'd probably not care that much if our roles were reversed. He'd understand the law would have order.
But I couldn't have that. I didn't care about my pride, I couldn't have him ripped from me now when I had just gotten him. Even if he didn't want me around, at least I'd know I hadn't sentenced him to a literal life sentence by getting him to join me. He deserved his freedom, at the very least. Ben Solo deserved so much more.
"I'll talk to Leia, I'll talk to Poe, I'll talk to whoever I need to," I was planning now. I would fix this. "We can figure it out, I can fix this, I swear." I was looking at him determinedly. He looked resigned.
"Rey, I don't think there's anything to be done," he told me. "I'm a criminal. Or, was a criminal, but that doesn't matter. In the name of the law, I have to face the consequences. I've accepted that, for quite some time. I've been expecting it." He said it didn't matter, but it mattered the galaxy to me. He had to have some sense of peace now, he deserved it. The world couldn't rip that away from him now, right as he was nearing the light at the end of the tunnel.
"But, you've changed, I've seen it, I've felt it, you're different-"
"In many ways, yes," he agreed. "But to them, I am a criminal. I am Kylo Ren. It's only right I go to trial, and accept whatever fate they decide for me." He was so sure in this. I didn't realize I was looking at him through misty eyes, or that I had even begun to speak, but like the idiot I am, the words tumbled out.
"Do you remember what happened on Exegol?" I asked, referring lamely to our kiss. He furrowed his brow at me in confusion at my non-sequitur.
"Of course, I remember everything," he replied. "But that doesn't matter, Rey. None of it matters, not to them." None of it mattered? What did he mean?
I knew what he meant. He meant that his change of soul mattered, but what we had done on Exegol was not going to save him now. Not in the eyes of the Rebellion. And our kiss...he didn't even realize what I was trying to get at. It was now painfully obvious that he didn't bring it up to save me from embarrassment. He did not return the feeling of...I'm not even sure what the label was for that feeling, for when I kissed him. However, to him it was of no importance, something he would save me the shame of rejection from. I understood, now.
That did not change just how much I needed to help him, now, though.
"Okay," I spoke in a way so he would understand my meaning, that I understood what he didn't want. "Well, it may not matter, but I'm going to help anyways. I'll talk to Poe and Leia as soon as I can." He looked at me with another strange expression. Maybe it was more pity at how pathetic I was, trailing after him like a kicked puppy.
"Fine," he ended our conversation. I was no longer hungry, so I set the container quietly on the table in between us, so he could have some if he wanted it. I wasn't sure if the base would even bring him sustenance, given he was a prisoner, I supposed. Not until he was on the verge of starvation, at least.
"You deserve peace, Ben," I murmured quietly, not looking at him now. I could feel his eyes upon me, though. "You deserve much more, but at the very least, you deserve that. I'm sorry for any role I've played in you not getting to have that." My meaning could not be clearer. I had promised him so much on the Supremacy, and like a villain, I had obviously lied-the Resistance was not going to allow that, it seemed. I was truly sorry. I had fooled him, unknowingly.
He didn't say anything, so I huddled back under my covers, and faced away from him. We didn't talk for the rest of the couple of hours of evening.
Our strength in the Force must have been recovering, I thought at first. But then I decided the medicine I was being given via intravenous fluid was probably making me loopy. Because I thought I had felt Ben's hand reaching toward me through the Bond. I thought I heard him call to me.
You've given me more than I deserve, already.
I was definitely hallucinating.