a/n: hi folks, a bit of a shorter chapter simply bc it's kind of a filler. next chapters will be super good tho, if i do say so myself, so stay tuned!

"If I only could, I'd make a deal with God, and I'd get him to swap our places/ I'd be running up that road, be running up that hill."-Kate Bush, Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)

Chapter 11

I hoped Rey was too tired to hear what I had let slip through the bond. I understood her sudden emotion towards my explaining of the trial. She had promised she would help me, and now that she couldn't, especially from her own people, was upsetting. She was so caring and steadfast in her values, I knew all too well that this would wound her. She wanted to keep her promise, even though I knew she probably wanted nothing to do with me now. She had gotten what she needed from me, and she clearly disregarded what had transpired between us on Exegol. The kiss. The most thrilling moment of my existence, now one I reflected upon in torment.

I had screwed up.

I should have done something, anything, to make Rey need me in her life. If I was a stronger man, I'd beg on my knees for her to visit me before I was sent away, to let me see her one last time. I'd grovel at her feet for a morsel of her time. I knew it was too much to ask that she come visit me, now that I had misconstrued what I meant in response to her question about Exegol. I thought she had meant the dyad. It had solidified her lack of need for me, now that it seemed like I was ungrateful for her. For us, whatever that meant.

It was too late to explain myself. She had turned promptly away from me to curl up under her blankets once more. As night fell, I struggled to sleep. As usual. Instead, I watched as the moonlight through the window shone upon her covered shoulder, the curve of her waistline, the soft brown of her hair. What I would give to kiss her again, to receive such a gift.

She had given one so freely to FN-21-Finn that, at first, I thought she was taken. I was unwelcomingly glad when his words assured me he was not interested in Rey, that way. That did bring another idea to me, very unwelcome indeed-I actually didn't know if she was taken or not. I had no idea about her romantic life. That irked me more than I cared to admit.

In the early morning, I was actually in a very light sleep when I heard Rey shuffling in her own bed. I cracked my eyes open slightly, hoping she wouldn't notice, and watched as she sat up in her bed. With her hair mussed and looking still so sleepy, she looked adorable. Even more so when she tiptoed out of the room, trying to close the door as quietly as possible. A certain trace of sadness did grace her features this morning, and I could only imagine what it was about. I didn't even know how the ending of the great war had effected her outside of what I had witnessed. Had she lost friends? Was she grieving? I had no idea, and felt like an absolute nerf herder for not knowing. I should probably gather the courage to ask her about that. But what would I even say? Hey, did my ex-legion murder any of your loved ones? She probably would not want to talk to me about it, anyways. I just wanted her to know I was here for her, always.

I closed my eyes until I heard the door open, but it was just a med droid, checking on me, re-bandaging up some scars and checking on my leg, which was actually feeling a lot better. Thank the Maker for bacta. It brought me water and breakfast, my first meal in I couldn't remember how long, and waited on me while I scarfed it down.

Rey entered not long after, in her typical scavenger wrappings and her hair out of her face. She eyed me when she came in, smiled faintly. She straightened up her bed, and I tried not to stare at her like a wretch as she did so. Control yourself, Solo.

Once she was done, she turned to me and sat on the very end of her bed. She tried to look other places in the room, unsuccessfully, and finally just let her eyes land upon mine.

"I'm being discharged this morning," she told me, after a few moments of silence. "So you'll have the room to yourself." I didn't want the room to myself, I wanted to tell her. Instead, I nodded once in acknowledgement. I watched as she put her hands together, palm-to-palm, and wedged them between her thighs, right above her knees. Such a simple gesture, probably because her hands were cold or something, but suddenly I couldn't help staring at her hands, so close to-

Control yourself, Solo.

I gulped and forced myself to look back to her face, innocent and freckled as ever.

"Have they fed you? I noticed you didn't eat what Finn brought me," she was so kind. The droid had taken the container of food, and I did not eat it, in case Rey woke and wanted it.

"Yes, the droid brought me food," I assured her. "Thank you for asking." I was so awkward. I was never awkward, except around this girl, this absolute treasure of a girl, and it made me sound like an idiot. An idiot in love, I thought.

I didn't have time to unpack that very sudden thought when, suddenly, my mother entered the room. Saved by the General.

She held a cane and looked very General-like in her practical wear, so unlike the white garb she had been wearing yesterday. She looked at me first, with soft eyes, then to Rey, then back to me, her eyes sadder now. But only for a glimpse of time-she was here to do some sort of business, I could tell. This was the air of diplomacy I had always hated as a kid. I knew it meant I was either in trouble, or I was going to be present for a very boring lecture. My father had felt the same, I think.

"Good morning," she said, greeting Rey more than she was greeting me. She didn't need pleasantries for her son.

"Good morning, General," Rey quipped, obviously curious as to what my mother was doing here. I stayed silent.

"You're in the same room because, although Chewie does his best, he probably can't control him as much as you can," she was looking at Rey gesturing to me. I bet Rey could control me in lots of ways-

What the kriff was wrong with me today? I'm around this girl for a few days and suddenly I can't stop wanting her.

Rey had smiled slightly in agreement, a bit sheepishly.

"I wanted to come by to inform you both on some important matters, now that you are both in better condition," my mother began. Rey and I sat silently, watching my mother, waiting on what she was going to say. I assumed, with calmness, that it would be information about the trial.

"Firstly, I know you've been using the Force to heal each other, even using it to quite literally save the other," she looked at me with a touch of irritation in her eyes. "You are forbidden to do that anymore. There's not enough known about it, and we can't have either of you dying over it." I scoffed.

"'Forbidden?' What's that based on, huh? Padawan's honor?" I asked, incredulous. It wasn't law, and I couldn't fathom not being able to do that again if Rey ever needed it. As if I'd ever even see her again, but still, the mere thought was enough to agitate me. My mother frowned at me.

"Yes, it's forbidden, and it will be an agreement between us. The Resistance Council will have it recorded. If either of you break the agreement, there will be consequences." My mother said with finality. I wanted to make several comments, such as that how could I even be punished if I was already in prison, and more, but I stayed silent. She had been through a lot from me, she didn't need a further indignant son. Rey nodded with acceptance.

"Second, Ben, your trial will be tomorrow. You should be able to be on your leg, as long as you've got one of these-" she held her cane up a bit in the air. "Someone will come get you and bring you the meeting chambers. I can't offer you official counsel, for obvious reasons, but I think we've discussed everything we can, on that matter." I nodded, and I could feel the energy around Rey was sparking with anxiety and fear. How curious.

"General, I think the council misunderstands the situation," Rey began. "Ben is a changed person, he's no longer Kylo Ren-" my mother cut her off, even though her speech was already passionate.

"Rey, I'm sorry, but these arguments will not stand in front of the committee," my mother told her, sounding firm but gentle. "They understand the situation, it's just a matter of the law." Rey furrowed her brow and shook her head, defiantly.

"But it's like putting a different man on trial, there must be something we can do-" she was cut off again.

"Rey, believe me, I want Ben to be free as well," my mother said. "But it's the law. It's final. Ben is still technically that man in the eyes of the government. He must face the consequences of his, I hate to say it, despicable actions." She flicked her eyes over to mine, in apology. I looked at her with really no emotion. I understood it all completely.

"General, please," Rey pleaded. She looked glassy-eyed. How odd. She really wanted to cling to her promise, didn't she?

"I'm sorry, Rey," my mother said gently. "I'm sorry to you, too, Ben." We sat in silence as Rey looked down at the floor, scowling. My mother and I looked at each other.

"I need to go, and Rey, you're wanted in the hangar to fix up some ships," my mother turned to walk to the door. "I really am sorry, to both of you. I knew this wouldn't be an easy conversation to have." She gave us each one last apologetic look, and then was gone.

Rey looked up at me, her eyes welling up.

I looked at Ben through tears, his face and dark hair blurred together in my eyes, making him look like some kind of dark angel surrounded by a black halo.

"Why are you crying?" Ben asked. I huffed out air through my nose at him. Wasn't it so painfully obvious?

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because your mum just confirmed that there's nothing that can be done to help you out of this," I sniffled, angry.

"It's okay, Rey, I know you made a promise, but I understand everything with perfect clarity. It's not your fault. I accept my fate." He spoke with assurance. I pushed my lips together in a thin line, trying to hold back more tears.

"It's not just about my promise, Ben," I burst out in frustration. How could he not see how much I needed him here? In my life, not in some prison cell far off, locked behind bars where I couldn't reach out and touch his face, or his lips like I had on Exegol.

"It's okay," he tried to assure me. "I know you think I don't deserve it, but I do. I thank you for defending me, but I have to deal with this, Rey. Even if it seems unfair." He really thought my anger was all about doing the 'right thing' or ensuring I got my way. He was so blind. Or maybe he just didn't care about me that way, like I did him, and was trying to avoid my humiliation, because he was kinder than anyone knew. I sniffled once more and looked up, letting my tears recede. I would cry later.

With so much more to say, but no idea how to say it, I stood up to leave. I made my way to the door, wiping my eyes with the wrappings on my arms, but turned around at the last moment.

His broad shoulders, nearly too big for the bed, his marked face, his long nose, his eyes so warm it made my stomach twist, and his hair flopping around his face. He was so kriffing beautiful, it hurt. I took a deep breath, and before I knew it, I was hovering just above his face, looking into his confused eyes.

I looked down at his lips like I had on the elevator on the Supremacy so long ago, right before we had killed Snoke.

I knew if I kissed him now, it would bring temporary bliss, but in the aftermath it would ruin me. He didn't even want it, anyways.

Instead, I levelled my eyes to his, bending over him. His eyes looked all across my face, maybe in concern over what I was doing. I slowly, with shaking hands, brought them up to hold his face, like I had on Exegol. His hair was so soft on my fingertips, I wanted to run my hands through it for days. He made a sound in the back of his throat that was so small I almost didn't hear it. I leaned in a tiny bit closer.

"I'm so sorry, Ben Solo," I whispered, truly meaning it. One last look into his deep eyes, and then, without warning, I was walking towards the door again. I walked out, and noticed that Chewie was no longer here and instead a couple of Ajan Kloss's bulkier base men were sitting outside the door. Chewie must be taking a break.

As I walked away from that room, to the hangar, I couldn't get the look of his eyes out of my mind, or the feel of his skin, like a memory in my fingertips.

She had cried. She had held my face. She had apologized. For what, I still wasn't completely sure. Maybe for not being able to help me, even though she seemed adamant that her causes were somehow different than what I had assumed. What other causes could she have?

Could she feel just how desperately I was craving her touch? Was that why she allowed me to feel it one last time, apologizing because she couldn't bring herself to do it ever again? She didn't kiss me again, so maybe it was because she was disgusted that she even had at all. My skin went aflame at her touch, and it remained so for several minutes after she left.

In the course of the day, I was checked on, prodded by more med droids, brought more food and water, and bathed again while I was in a medicine-induced nap (why did the droids do that? It's like they waited-very creepy). My mother visited in the evening, to give me a quick run down of how to present myself at the committee meeting in the morning. I was half aware for most of it, as I was too busy thinking about if Rey was going to show up or not. I guess my mother had noticed, because she said something odd before she left.

"You really do gravitate towards her, don't you?" She asked, softly, like a mother does. I pretended to be confused as to what she meant. She rolled her eyes at me and smirked in humor.

"I'm not an idiot, Ben, I know love when I see it," she told me. I blanked at the idea once more. Love? Was I in love with Rey? Did I even know how to love? Too many questions and really no way to know the answers.

"I don't-" I begun, but she cut me off. She was doing a lot of that, recently.

"It's okay, I'm not prying," she assured me. "I can see it. I can feel it, it radiates off of you through the Force, you know." I didn't know. Maybe that's what Snoke had been so afraid of, when it came to me interacting with Rey. Had it been like that even then?

She moved to leave, but before she was through the doorway, she turned her head to look back at me.

"You need to tell her, Ben," she said with a bit of demanding. "This might be your only chance." Then she left, and my room suddenly felt like Mustafar and I was slightly panicking over my feelings, something I had trained myself to never think about.

I wasn't sure what love was, or if I was even capable of it, but from what I had heard and read, it was adding up: I cared about Rey, I needed Rey, I wanted Rey. I had to protect her at all costs, I had to ensure her well-being, I had to have her around me. She was like oxygen. She meant everything to me.

So, yes. I think I was in love with Rey. What sweet, burning torture that meant.

I kept myself busy in the hangar, doing some tricky repairs on the ships that had been impacted the most in the fight. I had lunch with Finn and Rose, who I was so excited to see, we literally ran into each other to hug. She was doing well. We talked about Finn and Poe's hidden relationship. Finn gushed over Poe, it was a delight to watch. I wish I was able to talk about Ben like that to other people. But my feelings were obviously unrequited, and no one would understand our relationship. I tried to avoid toiling in my pain by throwing myself into work, but it didn't work: I was couldn't help but think of Ben constantly.

I wondered what he was doing, if he was hurting, if he was being fed, how he felt about tomorrow. I wanted to visit him again, but I knew the base needed me and I knew it would just hurt me more. To know Ben didn't want me was one thing, but to face him in the same room knowing this was a different kind of pain.

After dinner, I promptly went to my quarters, and prepared for bed. We were keeping our ends of the bond closed, probably because we each had things we knew we didn't want the other to know about. Ben couldn't know how I felt about him, and I couldn't know just how much Ben did not want that. It was darkly humorous.

I laid in bed for a while, thinking about Ben, trying to solve the problem of his imminent imprisonment. There was a thought in my brain I knew I had been saving for when we got to this base, but it was like I couldn't quite recall it. I remembered mentioning it to Ben, saying it would help us tremendously once we were on Ajan Kloss.

I ransacked my brain for what exactly I had been talking about, before I fainted in Ben's X-wing. Stupid girl, I thought. How do you lose an idea?

I went through the files of my memories mentally, for the life of me not remembering what it was I needed to recall. I just knew it had the very real potential to save Ben. I had to remember.

I was clenching my eyes shut when it finally came to me, and I exclaimed into the darkness, hoping and praying that she would be on base. The one woman I knew who could help me, and who would probably be willing. It was Han Solo's son, after all. More importantly, it was Chewie's sort-of-nephew.

I knew who I needed tomorrow at that trial. I knew who could convince the council. She was my only hope. I drifted off to sleep feeling giddy and full of promise, like this could actually work, because I had a witness who could fix all of this. Who could make the council see and understand Ben a bit more like I did.

Maz Kanata.