A/N: This chapter features some Linstead drama and an overprotective Antonio. You'll also find out about Cami's father and why Erin kept her a secret from everyone.
"Jay asked me some questions once you left today," Hank informed Erin later that evening once she'd put Cami to bed.
"I was afraid of that," Erin admitted. "I saw the way he was looking at me this afternoon. I half expected him to turn up here, wanting answers."
"It's still possible," Hank warned her. "He wanted to know whether or not Cami was his daughter, and I told him the truth about that, but that's all I told him. I'm sure that left him with more questions."
"How did he respond?" Erin asked hesitantly, not sure she wanted to know.
"He's hurt, I think," Hank answered. "Relieved to know that he didn't have a child you'd been keeping a secret from him, but…" he trailed off, not needing to finish the sentence for Erin to know what Jay had assumed.
"But he thinks I moved on right away," Erin finished for him.
Hank nodded, looking at Erin sympathetically. "I didn't tell him anything because it's your choice in what you tell him and everyone else," he said gently. "But I know that you showing up with a two-year-old daughter that no one knew you had brought up a lot of questions today."
"I never imagined I'd return here," Erin admitted. "The decision not to tell anyone about her was so much easier when I assumed I'd never see them again. But now it complicates things." She smiled as she thought of seeing her old teammates interact with Cami today. She'd loved seeing it, and it had made her wonder if she'd made a mistake, shutting them out of her life, and thereby Cami's. At the time, it had seemed like the easiest solution. She hadn't wanted to tell anyone what happened, and she'd never planned to return to Chicago.
"You don't owe anyone an explanation," Hank assured her, knowing what she was thinking.
"I'm not so sure about that," Erin whispered, tears filling her eyes for the second time that day. "I hurt Jay once by leaving, and I know he barely survived that. I can't hurt him again, Hank."
Hank reached across the table, resting his hand on top of Erin's and squeezing it. He knew that, even three years later, Erin still loved Jay. She'd never stopped loving him. The choices she'd made when she left Chicago and while in New York were made in an effort to protect him rather than hurt him. They were choices she'd made because she'd loved him.
"I need to tell him, Hank," Erin stated softly. "I owe him an explanation for once instead of more silence and secrets."
Jay sighed as he heard someone knocking on his door. "I'm coming," he called, putting his beer on the coffee table and standing up from the couch. He wondered who was at his door now. Hailey had been the first to stop by, wanting to check to see how he was doing after today. Atwater had been the next to stop by, trying to convince him to go to Molly's with him to get a drink. He assumed the next person he'd find at his door would either be Antonio or Ruzek.
"You guys don't have to keep checking on me, you know," he said as he opened the door. "I'm-" He stopped mid-sentence when he saw who was standing there. It wasn't Antonio or Ruzek; it was Erin.
"Hi, Jay," Erin said softly. She knew that she was the last person Jay had expected to see tonight, and probably the last person he wanted to see. She half expected him to slam the door in her face, but to his credit, he didn't.
"What are you doing here?" Jay asked, his voice lacking the anger Erin had expected. In its place was something worse: hurt and sadness.
"Hank told me that you were asking questions after I left today," Erin began. "I felt you deserved some answers."
Jay laughed wryly. "Answers as to why you slept with someone else right after leaving Chicago without saying goodbye? God, Erin. You really know how to kick a man while he's down."
Erin shook her head. "Jay, let me explain, please," she pleaded. "It's not that simple."
"You mean it's not as simple as you running off to New York and jumping in bed with some random guy while I was back here heartbroken that the girl I loved, the girl I was going to ask to marry me, had left without saying goodbye?"
"That's not what happened, Jay," Erin insisted. "Let me explain, please!"
Jay shook his head. "I don't think so, Erin. I don't want to hear your explanation."
As Jay began to close the door, Erin blurted out, "I was raped."
Jay froze, trying to process what Erin had just said.
"I didn't sleep with some random guy, Jay. I was raped," Erin repeated.
Jay opened the door the rest of the way, stepping back so that Erin could come in. When he saw that her hesitating, he held out his hand to her. After a moment's hesitation she took it, and he led her inside his apartment and to the couch. "Do you want a beer or anything?" he offered awkwardly, unsure of what one was supposed to say to an ex-girlfriend who had just told you that she was raped.
"No, thank you," Erin replied softly, careful to avoid eye contact with him.
Jay sat down on the couch next to Erin, his body angled towards her, sitting close enough that he could reach out and touch her, but far enough away that she wouldn't feel threatened. "I'm sorry, Erin," he told her gently. "I shouldn't have assumed…"
Erin shook her head. "What else were you supposed to think? I showed up at the district with a daughter that no one except Hank knew about, who was old enough that she could possibly be yours, and the only thing you were told was that she wasn't yours."
"I still should have known better," Jay insisted.
"It happened a little over two months after I got to New York," Erin said quietly. "I'd worked late that evening, wanting to prove myself to my new team. I was nearly back to my apartment when a man came up behind me and grabbed me, holding what felt like a gun to my back."
"Erin, you don't have to do this," Jay stated gently. "You don't have to tell me."
Erin ignored him, continuing with her story. "He placed a hand over my mouth and told me that he'd shoot me if I screamed. I tried to fight him, to get away, but he hit me upside the head with his gun. He dragged me into a nearby alley and pushed me to the ground behind a dumpster. He-, he climbed on top of me, straddling me, pointing the gun at my head, and demanded that I unbutton my shirt. When, uh, when I didn't do it fast enough for him, he smacked me before ripping my shirt open. He kept muttering about women cops and how they liked to tease men, and how it wasn't fair.
"Once he'd ripped my shirt, he pulled down his pants and began rubbing himself all over me, all while still holding the gun to my head. He made me unbutton my pants, and my hands were shaking so hard that I couldn't do it, so he hit me again. I blacked out for a few seconds, and when I came to, he had my arms pinned down and was forcing himself on me. It couldn't have lasted more than a few minutes, but it felt like hours. When he was done, he kicked me and hit me until I passed out," Erin shuddered at the memory.
"When I came to, my phone and wallet were gone. I was in so much pain, but I somehow managed to drag myself out of the alley before passing out again. The next time I woke up, I was in the hospital, and Olivia Benson was there. Hank had called her when the hospital had contacted them.
"Two months later, I realized I was pregnant. I was terrified, and at first, I wasn't even sure that I wanted to continue with the pregnancy. But I went to my first appointment, and they did an ultrasound and let me hear the heartbeat, and I fell in love with her. Six months later, Cami was born. She was six weeks early, and she was so tiny. She was in the NICU for a month before I was able to take her home." Erin let out a shuddering breath as she finished telling her story. That was the first time she'd talked about it in so long, and the first time she'd told anyone besides Hank and Olivia. Olivia's unit had thankfully taken the case, so there'd been no need for her to repeat her story to investigators.
Jay's heart broke for Erin as she told him her story. She'd been through so much, and she'd been alone throughout it all. "Hank never said anything," he said sadly.
"I asked him not to," Erin explained. "I was embarrassed and ashamed and I didn't want anyone to know."
"Erin…" Jay murmured. "You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of."
Erin shook her head, still avoiding eye contact. "I should have tried harder to fight him off; I should have paid more attention to my surroundings; I should have cried for help."
Before Jay had a chance to reply, Erin's phone rang. "Hello?" she answered. She felt panic wash over her as she heard her daughter screaming in the background. "Hank? What's going on?"
"Cami had a nightmare, and I can't get her calmed down. She keeps crying for you."
"I'll be there as soon as I can," Erin promised, hanging up and quickly standing up.
"Erin? Is everything okay?" Jay asked worriedly, standing up and following her as she rushed to the door.
"Cami needs me," Erin replied. She turned to Jay, meeting his eyes for the first time since she'd told him what had happened. "I'm sorry, Jay," she murmured before opening the door and rushing down the hallway toward the elevator.
Erin had only been gone a few minutes when Jay heard pounding on his door. Thinking maybe Erin had forgotten something, he rushed to answer it.
"What the hell did you do to her, man?" Antonio shouted as soon as Jay opened the door. He pushed his way into Jay's apartment. "What the hell did you do to Erin? I just passed her in the hallway and she had tears streaming down her face. She wouldn't even stop to talk to me."
"I didn't do anything; I promise!" Jay insisted, trying to calm the older detective down.
"Then why was she crying, huh? And why was she running out of her like she couldn't get away fast enough?" Antonio questioned, not full believing Jay.
Jay sighed, plopping down on the couch and putting his head in his hands. "We were talking and then Hank called and she said she had to leave," Jay explained. "All she told me was that Cami needed her."
Antonio eyed Jay suspiciously. "That explains her rush, but why was she crying? What did you say to her?"
Jay sighed, knowing Antonio wouldn't drop it until he knew for sure that Jay hadn't been the reason for Erin's tears. "It wasn't me," he insisted. "She was telling me…" he trailed off, not wanting to be the one to reveal Erin's secret. "She was telling me about Cami's father," he finished finally.
Antonio's brow furrowed. "That still doesn't explain why she was crying. What did you say to her, Jay, huh? Did you get mad at her for moving on? Did you yell at her for leaving? What happened?"
"Erin was raped, okay?" Jay exploded, lifting his head up and looking Antonio in the eyes. "She went to New York and she was raped! That's why she was crying. Yeah, I was a jerk and I accused her of sleeping with a guy she barely knew right after breaking up with me, and that's when she told me that she was raped. She got pregnant because she was raped, not because she'd moved on. Here I was being an asshole, assuming that I hadn't meant anything to her, and it turns out that wasn't the case at all."
Antonio stared at Jay in shock for a few moments as the younger man's words sunk in. He slowly sank into the nearby chair as he processed what Jay had just told him. Erin, beautiful, feisty Erin, had been raped. "What…? why…? Hank never said anything," he managed to get out.
Jay shrugged. "Erin asked him not to. Antonio, she blames herself for being raped. She thinks it's her fault.
"What? Of course it's not her fault!" Antonio exclaimed, upset that Erin would even think such a thing.
"I know," Jay replied softly. "I tried telling her that."
Antonio shook his head, still not wanting to believe what Jay had just told him, but also knowing that Jay would never lie about something like this. "She stopped answering my calls and replying to my texts a couple of months after she left; it makes sense now," he said slowly. "Damn it. I should have tried harder. I shouldn't have given up."
"It wouldn't have mattered, Antonio. She didn't want anyone to know. It wouldn't have mattered how hard you tried; she still wouldn't have told you," Jay informed him.