A/N: I promise it will eventually be revealed why Erin's rapist has it out for her, but that comes later in the story. For now, enjoy some more Erin and Jay fluff.
It had been three days since Erin had gotten the news from her unit that the same man who had raped her had tried to kill her. Hank had his team working on the case as much as possible, trying to do whatever they could to figure out who this guy was, and Olivia Benson's team in New York was also hard at work on it.
Erin's nightmares had intensified; they were becoming more and more vivid, and it was taking her longer to calm down after them. Hank had tried to convince her to see someone and to consider taking something to help her sleep, but she'd refused. She was afraid if she took something to sleep, it would only make the nightmares worse. She was also afraid that by taking something, she might sleep through one of Cami's nightmares. Although they'd thankfully grown less frequent, she still didn't want to take that chance.
Erin trudged up the stairs to the Intelligence unit, holding Cami. Hank had volunteered to take Cami out for lunch so that Erin could get a break, something that she was incredibly thankful for. With the continued lack of sleep, she'd noticed her fuse growing shorter and shorter, and she felt like a terrible mother. She knew that Cami was only feeding off of her own tension and fear, and that was what was causing her to act out more and more, but she couldn't help it.
"Unca Jay! Unca Tonio!" Cami shouted gleefully as they reached the top of the stairs, and Erin smiled as she set her down. Jay and Antonio had quickly become two of her favorite people, and Cami loved visiting them almost as much as she loved visiting her Grandpa Hank.
"Hey, kiddo," Jay greeted her, getting up from his desk and crouching down so the toddler could run into his arms. He stood up, tossing her gently into the air before placing a kiss on her head. "Are you here to see Grandpa Hank?"
Cami smiled and nodded. "Gwampa Hank lunch," she stated.
"Come on, Halstead; stop hogging the kid," Atwater said as he walked up the steps with Kim. "The rest of us want to see her, too."
"Aunt Kim!" Cami exclaimed, squirming to be put down so she could go see Kim.
Jay obliged, laughing as Cami flung herself into full force into Kim's legs. "I see she's full of energy today," he remarked.
"So much energy," Erin sighed. "I'm hoping that having lunch with Hank will help wear her out so she'll actually take a nap today." The past couple of days Cami had screamed the whole time she was supposed to be napping, so Erin had just given up.
"What about you?" Jay asked. "Are you getting any sleep?" He could already tell by the dark circles under Erin's eyes that she wasn't.
Erin shrugged. "I'm getting enough," she replied.
Jay frowned. "Are you sure? You look exhausted."
Erin chuckled. "Gee, thanks, Jay."
"Sorry; I didn't mean it like that," Jay quickly apologized.
"It's okay," Erin assured him. "I know what you meant." She sighed. "Sleep hasn't exactly been easy the past few nights," she admitted. "And I guess I'm just worn out in general. Cami's been extra clingy the past few days, especially with not getting a nap, and it's been exhausting. Hank helps as much as he can, but Cami typically wants me."
"What if you're not there?" Jay asked.
Erin looked at him, confused. "What do you mean?"
"What if you take a night off?" Jay asked. "Leave Cami with Hank and go out for dinner or something?"
"As amazing as that sounds, I can't ask that of Hank," Erin stated. "He's already helping out so much, and he's not been getting a full night of sleep, either."
"Can't ask what of me?" Hank asked, walking up to the two of them.
"Nothing," Erin said quickly, while at the same time Jay said, "She thinks she can't ask you to watch Cami for an evening while she gets a break."
Hank turned to Erin, frowning. "You know I'm always happy to watch Cami. All you have to do is ask," he told her.
"She's been so clingy the past few nights, Hank. I can't ask that of you," Erin protested. "It wouldn't be fair."
"Nonsense," Hank stated. "I love spending time with her. Besides, I think it will do you both good for you to get some time away."
"It's settled, then," Jay said. "I'll get a group together and we can go out for dinner tonight."
Erin looked at Hank. "Are you sure you're okay watching Cami?"
Hank leaned back against Jay's desk, crossing his arms. "Erin, you've been so busy being a mom that you've barely had any time to yourself. Of course I'm okay with it."
Erin was back at Hank's, getting ready for an evening out with her friends, when her phone vibrated with a text. She picked it up and read it. Everyone else already had plans for tonight, it read. Erin sighed disappointedly, setting her phone down. She'd been looking forward to getting out of the house tonight. She started to put her makeup away when another text came through. It doesn't mean we have to cancel.
Erin smiled as she read it, shaking her head. She quickly typed out a reply. Why do I get the feeling you didn't ask anybody?
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, read Jay's reply.
Erin rolled her eyes. When and where?
Bacchanalia, 6pm.
When Erin arrived at the restaurant that evening, Jay was already waiting for her outside. "Hey," she greeted him.
"Hey yourself," Jay replied, taking in her appearance. Erin had changed her outfit several times before finally settling on a pair of black skinny jeans and a red v-neck blouse. "You look nice."
Erin blushed. "Thanks; it's been a minute since I've had a reason to dress up."
Jay held the door open for Erin. "Hello!" the hostess greeted them. "Table for two?"
"Yes, please," Jay responded.
The hostess seated them at a table in a quiet corner in the back of the restaurant. "Your waitress will be with you shortly," she promised, handing them each a menu.
"Do you know what you're getting?" Jay questioned after the waitress had come and taken their drink orders.
"Not yet; it's been a while since I've been to a restaurant without chicken fingers on the menu," Erin admitted, laughing.
Jay raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Really?" He'd just assumed that she'd had an active social life in New York. "You don't go out with your teammates often?"
Erin shook her head. "We're not nearly as tight knit as the Intelligence team," she informed him. "Besides, most of them are married with kids, so it's not like they really hang out much outside of work."
The waitress came to take their order then, and the two of them continued to make small talk throughout dinner.
"That was amazing," Erin said as she and Jay walked out of the restaurant. "Thank you for dinner." Despite her protests, Jay had insisted on paying for her dinner when the waitress brought the check.
"You're welcome," Jay replied, smiling at her. "I'm glad you came; I was afraid you'd back out."
"I considered it," Erin admitted. "But I decided a night out was worth having to spend time with you."
Jay grabbed his chest in mock hurt. "Ouch," he replied jokingly. "I was going to ask if you wanted to grab a beer at Molly's, but after that…"
"A beer sounds amazing, but I'm not really feeling up to Molly's tonight," Erin apologized. "I don't really feel up to socializing. Besides, as tired as I am, I'd probably fall asleep in my beer."
Jay laughed at the image that popped into his head. "Okay, so Molly's is out," he agreed. "Would you agree to grabbing a beer if it didn't involve socializing?"
"I don't know, Jay," Erin hedged, glancing at her watch. "I should probably head back to Hank's. It's almost Cami's bedtime."
"And Hank said he could put her to bed, right?" Jay reminded her. "You have the night off; enjoy it."
"Fine," Erin grudgingly agreed. "Where are we going?" she asked as they walked to Jay's car.
"My place," he answered, opening Erin's door for her.
Her eyes shot to his face, trying to see if he was serious. He definitely was. "Jay…"
"We never did finish that conversation," Jay informed her. "Please?"
"Okay," Erin agreed, sighing.
Erin bit her lip nervously as Jay unlocked the door to his apartment. She didn't know why she was so nervous. Dinner had gone well, and it wasn't like this would be the first time she'd be alone with Jay since she returned.
"Do you want a beer?" Jay asked, opening the fridge.
"Sure," Erin replied. "Thanks."
Jay grabbed two bottles out of the fridge, handing one to Erin, before walking to the living room and taking a seat on one end of the couch. Erin sat down on the opposite end, tucking her feet under her.
"So…" Jay said at the same time as Erin said, "Jay…"
They both laughed. "You go first," Erin said.
"I'm not sure what Hank told you about me and Hailey," Jay began, "but there's nothing going on there. She's my partner and we're friends, but that's it."
"She likes you, you know," Erin informed him softly. "As more than just a partner."
"I know," Jay admitted. "But I don't feel the same way, and she knows that."
"Why not?" Erin questioned hesitantly. "She's smart and beautiful and a great cop…"
Jay set his beer on the table and turned his body towards her. "Because," Jay said, "she's not you."
"Jay…" Erin trailed off, trying to figure out what to say to that. "You don't owe me anything, Jay. I left, without even saying goodbye. And I'm not the same woman that left here nearly three and a half years ago."
"I know," Jay replied simply. "I'm not the same, either."
Erin shook her head. "You don't understand, Jay. I'm not the woman that you fell in love with, not anymore. That woman disappeared three years ago in an alley in New York."
"I don't believe that," Jay insisted.
Erin laughed wryly. "I'm broken, Jay. You saw it yourself the night that Cami and I stayed here. You don't want me anymore, I promise."
"That's not true, Erin," Jay replied gently. "You're not broken. You went through something horrific; something that nobody should have to experience. But you're not broken."
"It doesn't matter, anyways. You're here in Chicago, and I'll be back in New York as soon as they catch…him," Erin shuddered as she said the last word.
"So?" Jay replied. "People do long distance relationships all the time."
"It's not that simple, Jay," Erin whispered. "I have Cami to think about now. I'm a mom; that complicates things."
"Erin…" Jay reached out, resting a hand on her cheek. "It doesn't have to complicate things. I adore Cami. She's amazing."
Erin fought the urge to lean into Jay's hand. She'd missed his touch, so much. There were so many days, especially when she'd be in the hospital, that she'd longed for it so badly it had hurt. But she couldn't let herself enjoy it, not when this would all disappear as soon as she returned to New York. "I can't," she whispered tearfully.
"Why not?" Jay asked softly.
"Because. I don't deserve this, Jay. I don't deserve any of it!" Erin cried.
"You keep saying that, but it's not true," Jay told her. "You deserve it just as much as anyone else."
Erin shook her head. "I didn't fight back, Jay. I let him do that to me. I just laid there and pretended to be unconscious. I should have fought back! I should have done something, anything!"
"Erin…if you'd fought back, he might have killed you! There was nothing you could have done," Jay insisted.
"Maybe that would have been better," Erin whispered, barely loud enough for Jay to hear.
Jay moved closer to Erin, taking her hands in his. "Don't ever say that," he said, his voice rough with emotion. "If you had died…I don't know what I would have done, Erin. When you left, it just about broke me. The only thing that helped was knowing that you were doing what you needed to do; what you were meant to do. If I'd lost you…I don't even want to think about that."
The tears that Erin had been fighting to hold back broke lose at Jay's words. "I don't deserve this," she said quietly.
Jay pulled her against him, wrapping his arm around her and resting his cheek on the top of her head. "Yes, you do," he murmured.
Thirty minutes later, Jay reached into his pocket and slowly pulled out his phone, being careful not to disturb Erin. She'd fallen asleep crying with her face buried in his chest, and he knew how much she needed the sleep.
"Hello?" Hank answered gruffly.
"Hank, Erin fell asleep at my place, and I really don't wanna wake her up," Jay informed his boss. "I know how tired she's been lately.
Hank sighed. He was concerned about how close Erin and Jay were growing. He was worried that one or both of them would end up getting hurt when it came time for Erin to return to New York. He definitely didn't see how anything good could come of her spending the night at Jay's, but he also knew how much Erin needed whatever sleep she could get. "Okay," he said finally.
"I'll drop her off on my way to work tomorrow," Jay promised before hanging up. He had started to tug the blanket down from the back of the couch to cover them up with when Erin stirred.
"What time is it?" she murmured.
"It's almost ten," Jay informed her.
Erin sat up, struggling to get awake. "I need to go home. Cami-"
"Is just fine with Hank," Jay informed her. "I already let him know you'd be sleeping here tonight."
Erin was too exhausted to argue. "Okay," she sighed.
"Come on; I'll get you a shirt and pair of shorts for you to sleep in," Jay told her. Erin followed him to his room, sitting on the edge of his bed as he opened his dresser and pulled out some clothes. "Here," he said, handing them to her.
"Thanks, Jay," she told him softly as she took the clothes. The thank you wasn't just for the clothes; it was for everything he'd done for her.
"Get some sleep, okay?" Jay told her, brushing her hair out of her face. "I'll be here if you need anything."
Erin sighed as she slid beneath the covers in the guest bedroom. This definitely wasn't how she'd expected the night to end, but she was too exhausted to dwell on it tonight.