A/N: This chapter finally reveals who Erin's rapist is, and a possible reason for his obsession with her. There's also a couple of Hank and Erin father/daughter scenese, because I feel like we didn't get nearly enough of those on the show before she left.
"How are you really doing, Erin?" Olivia asked. The two of them were sitting at the table in the break room, drinking coffee.
"Not the greatest," Erin replied honestly. "The nightmares have been practically nonstop since I returned. It's like every night, I relive at least some part of the attack all over again." She sighed. "I don't understand it; I've not had nightmares like this in years, and the rape happened in New York, not here in Chicago, so I don't get why they'd come back now."
"Have you considered that maybe it's because this is where you feel safe?" Olivia suggested gently. "Here in Chicago, you have Hank and your old team, and your body and mind finally feel safe enough to deal with the trauma that you experienced."
"I hadn't thought of it like that," Erin admitted. "But it does make sense." She paused before adding, "I just wish that dealing with the trauma didn't involve reliving the trauma."
Olivia reached across the table and squeezed Erin's hand. "I know. But we're going to find this guy, and hopefully when we do, that will finally allow you to put this behind you."
"Thanks, Liv. I don't think I could have gotten through the past three years without you," Erin informed the older woman.
"You would have found a way," Olivia assured her. "You're one of the strongest women I know, Erin. But I'm happy I could be there for you. When Hank called and told me that you were moving to New York and why, he asked me to look out for you; he was afraid that the adjustment would be hard on you, leaving everything behind the way you did. But the truth is, you didn't need me looking out for you; you did just fine on your own."
"Really? Hank asked you to look out for me?" Erin asked, surprised.
Olivia nodded. "He told me that you were the only family that he had left, and that he hated the thought of you being so far away, but that he knew it was the best option for everyone. I don't think he did it so much because he was afraid you wouldn't make it in New York; I think he asked me because he was afraid that he wouldn't make it without you."
Erin smiled sadly. "Leaving Hank was one of the hardest things about leaving Chicago. Even when I was a beat cop, I knew all I had to do was call him and he'd drop everything to be there for me. If I had a bad day, I could stop by his house and he'd tell me that everything would be okay. But I knew none of that would be possible anymore once I moved to New York. And with what happened with Justin…I was scared to leave him. I knew the team would have his back, of course. I never doubted that for a moment. But I was scared that there wouldn't be anyone to hold him back when things got really bad." She smiled sadly. "Turns out I was wrong. Somehow the team was able to hold him back and hold him together when Al died. So I guess he didn't need me quite as much as I thought."
"You miss Chicago, don't you?" Olivia prodded gently.
Erin shrugged. "I didn't think I did. When I found out about Cami, I made up my mind that I would never come back here. It would be too hard to have to answer all the questions, plus I thought that it was an opportunity to start fresh and close that chapter of my life for good. But now that I'm back here, I find myself thinking about what it would be like for Cami to be able to have Hank in her life full time, and how it would be to raise her around the team, for her to grow up surrounded by aunts and uncles who adore her and will always have her back." She shook her head. "It's not an option, though. As great as it sounds, our life is in New York. It's not like I can leave my job at the FBI when it's the only reason that Bunny is still free, wherever she is, and I can't exactly come back to CPD without the possibility of losing my badge and getting the unit shut down. It's just a dream. A good dream, but still just a dream."
Jay knocked on the open door to the breakroom before Olivia could reply. "Hey, sorry to interrupt, but Voight wants to see both of you in his office." Erin and Olivia exchanged confused glances but stood up and walked into Hank's office.
"Close the door behind you," Hank instructed the two women as they walked into his office. Erin obliged before taking a seat in front of his desk with Olivia.
Hank leaned forward, clasping his hands together and resting them on his desk. "We got a match on the facial recognition software. This guy has warrants out for his arrest in two states: New York and Illinois. He's wanted for murder."
Erin's face paled. "Illinois? Does that mean I wasn't just some random victim? Did he follow me to New York?" she asked, her voice trembling. "Who is he?"
"His name is Ray Martelli," Hank said. He paused for a moment, watching for a reaction from Erin. When he didn't get one, he prodded, "Does that name sound familiar to you at all?"
"Martelli? As in Johnny Martelli?" Erin asked hesitantly.
Hank nodded. "Ray is Johnny's brother. Well, half brother. We still need to put together all the pieces, but it's looking like you weren't just a random victim. It's possible that this is related to the murder of his brother."
Erin felt her chest grow tight and struggled to fight back the panic that was washing over her. Bunny. This all led back to Bunny. The mother who had disappointed her time and time again had once again let her down. Erin had given up her life in Chicago to save her mother from prison, and this is what she got in return. She felt the room begin to close in around her, and she closed her eyes, trying to remember how to breathe.
"Erin?" Hank asked worriedly, getting up and walking around his desk to kneel in front of the chair where Erin sat. He reached for her hand. "Erin, stay with me. You're okay," he told her, his voice gentle and soothing. "I need you to breathe for me."
This wasn't his first time helping Erin through a panic attack. When she'd first come to live with him and Camille, Erin had struggled with panic attacks while she was going through withdrawal and for a while after. Usually Camille would be the one to help her through them, but he had dealt with some of them, as well. He'd held her in his arms numerous times as he reminded her to breathe and told her to focus on his voice. At fifteen years old, she would have ordinarily insisted she was too old to be held like that, but it had been one of the only things that had helped at the time.
Erin heard Hank talking to her, but it sounded like his voice was coming from the other end of a tunnel. The name Martelli kept ringing in her ears. She finally had a face and a name to put to her rapist, and rather than make her feel better as she'd always assumed it would, she felt nothing but panic.
Olivia looked at Hank, concern filling her eyes as Erin gasped for breath. "Hank?" she asked hesitantly, unsure of what she could do to help.
Hank was frustrated; he wasn't getting through to Erin. His normal techniques for calming her down weren't working this time. He was tempted to have Olivia call an ambulance, but he knew that would only upset Erin more. He hesitated for a moment before gently lifting Erin out of her chair and down onto the floor with him. He gathered her in his arms, just as he had done when she was a teenager, and rocked gently back and forth. "Erin, I need you to breath for me. You're okay. You're safe; you're with me. No one is going to hurt you. Bunny isn't here. Just breathe for me, okay?" he instructed her. "Focus on my voice, okay? I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. You're safe. Just focus on my voice and breathe."
Slowly Erin's breathing evened out, although she was still shaking and her eyes were still clenched shut. She listened to Hank's voice as he told her over and over again that she was safe and that no one was going to hurt her. The feeling of his arms wrapped tightly around her helped ground her and remind her that she really was safe, just as it had always done. Finally, she opened her eyes.
Hank felt his heart break as Erin looked up at him with tear filled eyes and whispered, "Why? Why does she always do this to me?" Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Olivia stand up and slip out of his office, wanting to give the father and daughter some privacy.
"I don't know, kiddo," he said gently, wishing he had a better answer for her.
As Erin cried into his shoulder, Hank couldn't stop being furious with Bunny for once again hurting Erin. It seemed like no matter how much distance Erin tried to put between herself and her mother, it was never enough. Bunny always seemed to find a way to reach her and hurt her somehow. The knowledge that it was likely Bunny's fault that Erin had been raped infuriated him. He wished he could turn back the clock and arrest Bunny himself for murdering Johnny Maratelli rather than letting Erin make a deal that let her mother walk free.
After a few minutes, Erin pulled back slightly and wiped her eyes before sitting up. Realizing for the first time that she was on the floor with Hank's arms around her, she gave him a small smile. "Just like old times, huh?" she murmured softly. "Thank you."
"You okay?" Hank asked gently as they both got to their feet.
"No," Erin admitted, letting out a shuddering breath. "But I will be. I have to be. I have a daughter. I can't just fall apart."
Hank squeezed her shoulder. "We're going to find this guy, Erin. I promise you. We're going to find him and lock him up."
"Bunny will still be out there," Erin said, stating the obvious.
"Bunny knows to stay away from you," Hank assured her. "I can't promise you that she won't hurt you anymore. But I can promise you that you never have to see her again. Bunny will get what's coming to her one of these days."
"You okay?" Jay asked softly as Erin sat down on the couch next to him after putting Cami to bed later that evening. Hank had filled the team in on who Erin's rapist was, and Jay was worried about Erin. She'd barely said two words all night and had only picked at her food. He suspected that Cami had picked up on her mom's emotions, as she had been extra good that evening.
Erin forced a smile. "I will be."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jay offered, unsure of whether that was the right thing to do or not. He felt like he was in uncharted territory; he didn't know what Erin needed, or what he could do to help.
Erin shook her head. "Not really." She pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging them, and rested her chin on them. It was something that she'd done as a little girl to make herself as small as possible in hopes of going unnoticed by Bunny and the men that paraded in and out of their apartment, and the defense mechanism has stuck with her, even as an adult.
"Er, talk to me, please?" Jay reached out a hand to touch Erin's shoulder, but he quickly pulled it back when she flinched at his touch. He tried not to let it hurt him, knowing that Erin didn't mean anything by it and that she hadn't meant to do it, but he couldn't help it. The three years she'd been gone suddenly felt like three decades for how little Jay felt he knew the woman he loved.
"I'm sorry," Erin whispered. "You didn't ask to be dragged into my mess of a life."
Jay slid off the couch and knelt in front of Erin, being careful not to touch her. "You didn't drag me into it, Erin. I chose to be a part of your life because I love you. Nothing's ever going to change that. I know you're struggling right now, but please don't shut me out. I want to be here for you. I want to help. You don't have to go through this by yourself."
Jay waited a few moments for a reply, but none came. He opened his mouth to continue but was stopped by a knock on his door. He didn't miss how Erin had jumped at the sound. "I'll be right back," he promised before standing up and making his way towards the door.
Jay peered through the peephole before unlocking the door and opening. "Is everything okay?" he questioned.
Hank nodded. "I just wanted to check in on Erin and see how she was doing," the sergeant explained. "I texted you to let you know I was stopping by."
"Sorry; my phone is in the room charging," Jay explained, stepping back so his boss could enter the apartment. He closed the door behind Hank and lowered his voice. "She's barely talking, and I've never seen her this jumpy before. I don't know what to do, Hank. I don't know how to help her."
Hank gave the younger man a sympathetic look. He knew how much his detective loved Erin and how he must be feeling. While Hank had seen and dealt with this side of Erin numerous times, he hadn't seen it in years, so it was no surprise that Jay was feeling lost in figuring out what to do. He squeezed Jay's shoulder before heading to the living room to check on Erin.
"Erin?" Hank called softly as he approached her. "It's just me, kiddo. I'm going to sit down next to you, okay?" He'd learned very quickly that the best thing to do when Erin was in this state was to explain everything that he was doing so that nothing took her by surprise. "You wanna talk about it?"
Erin shook her head stubbornly. She didn't see what good talking about it would do. She didn't see what good anything would do. She'd been raped, and the man who raped her was connected to Bunny. It wasn't the first time a man had raped her because of Bunny, but it had been the first time it had happened since Hank and Camille had taken her into their home, offering her love and safety. She'd never thought she'd have to deal with that again, yet here she was.
"Do you remember what I told you when you first came to live with me?" Hank asked softly. "I'm with you until the wheels come off. I told you that then, I told you that again before you left Chicago, and I'm telling you that again now. I'm not goin' anywhere. I'm going to help you get through this. And you are going to get through it. You know how I know that? Because in the other room, there's a precious little girl sleeping who adores you and needs you. You got through this once because of her; you're going to get through this again."
"What if I can't?" Erin whispered. She looked up at her father figure, tears in her eyes. "There's only been two times since you helped me after Nadia's death that I've wanted to do drugs again. The first time was shortly after it happened. I had a bag of coke in my hand and was going to take it, but something stopped me and prompted me to take that pregnancy test. The second was today. What if I'm just like Bunny? What if I'll always be a junkie that can't keep my act together, not even for my kid?"
"Erin, you are not Bunny Fletcher. You are Erin Lindsay, one of the strongest women I know. You wanna know the difference between you and Bunny? You actually care what kind of mother you are. You realized what you wanted, and you fought against it. That's what makes you different," Hank informed her. "Drugs are the easy way out for you; they always have been. It's only natural that you would crave them when something like this happens and you want to take the edge off. But you recognized that and actively fought against it. That's what make you better than Bunny."
Erin shook her head. "No matter how hard I try, it's never enough. I'll never be free of her. I'm going to end up just like her, and Cami's going to grow up to hate me, just like I hate Bunny!" Erin sobbed.
Jay's emotions fluctuated between heartbreak and rage as he remained in the kitchen and listened to Hank and Erin talk. He was heartbroken over the pain that Erin was feeling, but furious with Bunny for once again letting Erin down and being the cause of her pain. Erin had given up her life here in Chicago for Bunny and had finally cut her out of her life for good and yet Bunny was still finding ways to hurt her, however unintentional it might be this time. He slumped against the counter as he listened to the woman he loved sobbing uncontrollably, his heart hurting for her, wishing more than anything that he could make it all go away.