Chapter 1
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"Go for Buck" Buck said cheerfully, seeing his sister was calling him. It had been a while since they'd really spoken and Buck was worried about her. She seemed tired all the time which was probably not out of the ordinary for a new mom but she also seemed kind of sad which considering how excited she'd been about the baby during her pregnancy and when Jee was first born concerned him. Maddie and Chim had both insisted that nothing was wrong and had continually declined all his offers of help or babysitting but something still seemed off.
"Hi Evan," Maddie said softly.
"Hey Mads what's up with you and your little princess today?" Buck asked, he wanted to call her our princess but something told him that wouldn't be well received. "Are you recovered after the blackout. I bet that you're grateful that Chim is finally home to help out. If you want some time alone, I'm happy to come and take Jee-Yun for a walk or have her at my place for a while."
"I'm not at home," Maddie admitted.
"Then do you want to come over and visit?" Buck asked.
"No. I've got to get away for a while and figure some things out. I promised that I wouldn't leave you again and I'm not. I just need some time to get my head on straight," Maddie said.
"Is Chimney and Jee-Yun with you?" Buck asked worriedly.
"No, Jee's not safe with me," Maddie said shakily.
"Maddie, you're scaring me. Of course, Jee is safe with you, I know you're going to be the best mom in the world. What happened? Where are you? Where is Jee-Yun?" Buck replied worriedly.
"I left Jee at the 118, they'll call Howie to come and get her. I left him a message to say that I'm okay and not to come looking for me," Maddie said.
"Is Jee okay? What happened Maddie to make you think she wasn't safe with you?" Buck asked.
"Jee's fine. I took her to the doctor, there's nothing wrong. But she can't stay with me. I'm a bad mother, she's better off without me,"
"You're not a bad mother, you were a great mother to me when you were just a kid. You're going to be an amazing mother to Jee. You're absolutely nothing like Margaret Buckley. But you don't have to do it all by yourself. I'm here to help. Let me help you," Buck begged.
"It's too late for that," Maddie replied. "I'm worried about Howie, he's going to be so upset that I've gone but I just need some time to deal with things. I need you to help him and Jee, promise me you'll look after them."
"Maddie, I know this is the way you like to operate but leaving all your friends and family isn't the way to sort things out. You have lots of support here if you'll just let us help you," Buck said desperately.
"Promise me that you'll look after Howie and Jee-Yun for me. Make sure that they're okay. Tell my little girl that I love her," Maddie repeated.
"I will but you need to promise that you'll come back as soon as you can," Buck replied.
"I'll come back. I'm not leaving forever. I promised you I wouldn't do that. I just need to get away and work on getting my head right," Maddie said,
"Okay Maddie but please don't be away too long and if you need me or need anything at all. Call me and I'll do it," Buck replied with tears in his eyes.
"Promise me that you won't tell Howie I called you, I left him a video message. I couldn't bear to call and hurt him, and I don't want him to think that he's less important," Maddie said.
"You're leaving him is going to hurt him and Jee more than how you told him you were going," Buck retorted. "Is there any way I can talk you into coming home?"
"Promise me Evan. Pinky promise," Maddie demanded.
"I promise," Buck replied, sighing. He didn't agree but more than anything he didn't want to break his sister's trust and give her a reason not to call again if she needed his help, or just wanted to reach out.
Maddie hung up without saying goodbye, and Buck sat there looking at his phone wondering what he should do. He couldn't call anyone in the firefam for advice since he couldn't let Chim know that Maddie had called him when she'd left Chim a video message. He hoped that Chim would show him the message and explain why Maddie felt that she was a bad parent and Jee wasn't safe with her.
He was still sitting there an hour later when the phone rang again, this time showing Eddie and Christopher's smiling faces.
"Go for Buck," he answered smiling at their picture.
"Hey Buck, are you doing anything?" Eddie asked, relieved that it didn't sound like he'd woken his friend up.
"Nah, just sitting here thinking. Do you need anything?" Buck replied.
Eddie hated that Buck's first instinct these days was that Eddie had rung him because he wanted something from him, but he had to admit that they hadn't had much interaction away from work lately other than when Buck was looking after Christopher.
"No, I'm just checking in, wanted to know if you're feeling up to coming over for a movie night with Chris and me," Eddie said.
"Sure, I'll collect what snacks I've got here and bring them since the stores are probably still recovering from the blackout," Buck said cheerfully.
"Well I have a ton of muffins here to eat," Eddie said dryly looking at the mess in the kitchen. "In fact, if you could bring some of your big tupperwares that would be good, I've run out of places to store them."
"Muffins freeze pretty well if you've got some freezer bags," Buck commented.
Eddie made a face at the muffins. He didn't want to be eating them out of the freezer for months to come. "I'll see you soon yeah?"
"Yeah. Is everything okay Eddie?" Buck couldn't help but ask, wincing as he thought about how Eddie had reacted to his concern lately.
"Everything's fine Buck. I took your advice," Eddie replied.
"Oh… I'll be there soon," Buck replied.
Buck arrived just as Chris was picking up the Lego all over the lounge room and Eddie finished loading the washer and setting it going while the dishwasher ran it's first load. The entire house looked like a disaster zone which surprised Eddie since Ana's apartment had always been so neat and tidy anytime he'd been there.
"What the hell happened?" Buck said after following Eddie's voice towards the kitchen and washroom.
"Ana apparently decided that the answer to the blackout was to bake everything she could find into muffins," Eddie said dryly.
"I know the dishwasher wouldn't have worked but the taps and hot water still did," Buck replied.
"I think she was trying to make sure Chris enjoyed their time together by allowing him to avoid putting things away or cleaning up," Eddie said tiredly.
"It's gonna take us all night to clean this up," Buck said, going to the dishrack and starting to put away the things Eddie had already washed.
"You don't need to do that. That's not what I invited you over for," Eddie said.
"It's fine Eds, it'll be quicker with both of us…" Buck began, trailing off when he opened the cupboards to find everything had been rearranged.
"Is something upsetting you?" Eddie asked as he realised how quiet Buck had been, sure the state of the kitchen was annoying and Eddie assumed it would upset Buck more than it upset him since he'd always enjoyed cooking for them and shooing Eddie out of what he jokingly called his kitchen.
"Maddie rang me as I was coming over," Buck replied.
"Is everything okay with her, I know you've been worried. So has Chim, though he's trying hard not to admit it," Eddie said.
"She's left," Buck said.
"What do you mean she's left?" Eddie asked confused.
"She rang me on her way out of town. Said that she needed to sort things out, to work on being a better mother," Buck said.
"Buck, where's Jee-Yun and Chimney? Did they go with her? Does Chimney know where she's gone?" Eddie asked immediately worried.
"Maddie left Jee-Yun at the Fire station, with Ravi of all people. He called me too, after he'd called Chim. I was going to go but Chim came and took Jee home while I was on the phone with Ravi. He told me not to come," Buck said with tears in his eyes.
"What else did Maddie say? Do you have any idea where she is going?" Eddie asked. He wanted to ask whether Buck thought she was a danger to herself, but he didn't want to put that worry into Buck's head if it wasn't already there.
"She said she was a bad mother, and Jee wasn't safe with her. She refused to tell me where she was going, and asked me to look after Chimney and Jee. She left Chim a message but I don't think she told him where she went either, she wants him to stay here and look after Jee," Buck replied.
"Buck, I know we haven't talked much about Maddie, but you've been worried about her for a while. What's been going on?" Eddie asked gently.
Buck took a deep breath, trying not to let his worries started to overwhelm him as he tried to put them into coherent words. "She's been different than I expected, before Jee-Yun was born she talk about all the things Uncle Buck could do with the baby, laid down some limitations and taught me how to change diapers and stuff so I would know how to look after her too. But I've barely seen either of them since just after they came home from the hospital. Maddie doesn't answer her phone half the time and when she does she never has time to talk. Every time I offer to visit them, Chim stops me he says Maddie's tired or it's not a good time for Jee, and when I offer to babysit he says she isn't ready to leave her."
"New babies are surprisingly exhausting, I remember that Shannon didn't like to have visitors in the house when Chris was a baby," Eddie said reassuringly.
"Yeah and I'm trying to understand but it feels like they're cutting me out of their lives. Like they don't want me to be Jee-Yun's uncle," Buck said as his insecurities came into play.
"I'm sure it isn't that. Your sister loves you a hell of a lot more than either of my sisters seem to love me and Chris," Eddie replied. "Is it just that or is there something else going on?"
"I don't know, how can I know what's going on when I haven't been allowed to be there for them," Buck said frustrated. "I think Chim would have at least told Hen and Bobby if there was something wrong with Jee-Yun, wouldn't he?"
"Yes, I'm sure he would have and from the photo's he's always showing us Jee-Yun looks like a happy and healthy baby," Eddie reassured him. "I'm more worried about what's driving Maddie to leave Jee-Yun and Chimney. Do you think something happened between them?"
"You think Chim hurt Maddie? He would never!" Buck exclaimed in shock.
"No I don't think he would hurt her physically, I was more concerned that they might have fought. He seems to be keeping everyone away from the three of them outside of work, that might have been at Maddie's request or it might not have," Eddie said slowly.
"I think it was, Chim's always been overly invested in doing whatever Maddie wants him to," Buck replied.
"Do you think that they fought?" Eddie repeated.
"No, Maddie was worried about him, wanted me to look after him, she wasn't angry with him or scared of him. She wouldn't stay with another abusive partner. She's so much stronger than that now," Buck replied.
Eddie nodded in agreement, relieved by Buck's words. "Okay then, if she's not running from Chimney or their relationship, what is she running from?"
"She thinks she's bad for Jee-Yun, she said she's a bad mother and Jee-Yun would be better off without her, but that's rubbish. She was a good mom to me even when she was a kid. She's gonna be a great mom for Jee-Yun," Buck said.
"False thoughts like that could be caused by postpartum depression, or straight up normal depression or anxiety. Maddie's been through a lot in the last couple of years, it wouldn't surprise me if she still has PTSD from her marriage if she hasn't dealt with it," Eddie said thoughtfully.
"PPD is more common with geriatric pregnancies, and first time mothers," Buck said thoughtfully.
"When did you research it?" Eddie asked smiling.
"A few months ago when Maddie seemed like she was shutting me out and then gave up her job as a dispatcher, she seemed to have a lot of the symptoms but when I asked her she denied it," Buck replied.
"I've heard you talk to me about seeing a therapist but I've never heard you talk to Maddie about it, and Maddie hasn't mentioned the therapy she would've had after what happened with Doug, but then again we're not that close so she probably wouldn't bring it up with me. I would have thought maybe Chim would have said something about it though, he tells us all about his own therapist and everything else about Maddie," Eddie said.
"No he doesn't really, he brings up his therapist as a way of getting a dig at me that at least he didn't sleep with his therapist but Chim doesn't like therapy and only does the bare minimum mandated by the LAFD. He was boasting how he bluffed his way through it after having the rebar go through his head," Buck replied.
"And what does Maddie say about therapy?" Eddie asked.
"She was surprised that I was in therapy and absolutely shocked that Phillip and Margaret agreed to family counselling with me after all the secrets came out with Daniel. She wasn't surprised that it didn't work, apparently Margaret used to badmouth her friends who saw a therapist. I know she had mandated therapy after Doug was killed and again after she got involved with that domestic violence victim Tara, who ended up shooting her husband or something, but I don't think she really put in the work. She dropped it as soon as the mandated sessions were done," Buck replied.
"So with everything that has happened she is high risk for PPD, and likely to be adverse to seeking treatment," Eddie summed up.
"Yeah! Do you think she's in danger of hurting herself?" Buck asked anxiously.
"I don't know Buck, surely if she were that bad then Chimney would have got her help before this, or taken time off to be with her," Eddie said.
"He would've" Buck agreed feeling better, "But he clearly didn't expect her to take off either. Maddie's like that though. When she can't cope with something she takes off and shuts other people out. That's what she did with me when she was married to Doug."
"Where's Chim?" Ravi asked as they walked into the station and were greeted with a floater.
"Family leave, Maddie hasn't come back since she left Jee with you the other day. Chim he has up to 12 weeks FMLA leave to look after his daughter until her mother comes home," Bobby said before reading out the work roster.
Buck frowned when Eddie was allocated to the ambulance. If Chim was going to be gone twelve weeks then why wasn't their floater a firefighter paramedic? Eddie belonged on the truck with him for heavy rescue, he wasn't a paramedic and the floater they'd assigned probably didn't have anywhere near the skills and certifications for heavy rescue that he needed to be a genuine replacement for Eddie on the truck.
Buck went straight to Chimney and Maddie's as soon as shift finished, determined to spend some time with his niece and to help out Chimney who must be reeling from Maddie leaving as much as Buck was. He was just praying to the powers that be that Chim wouldn't continue to shut him out.
Buck's heart leapt as he heard Maddie's voice through the door, he couldn't hear the words, or Chimney's reply as he waited for one of them to answer the door. Chimney opened the door eagerly, his face falling when he saw Buck.
"I should have known it'd be you," he muttered as he stepped back to let Buck in.
"I heard…" Buck trailed off as he heard Maddie talking again and finally herd the words she was saying, it was the message she'd left for Chimney. She wasn't there!
The video was playing on the television and Buck watched it through as it finished and after a moment started again. There wasn't any new information in it, no hint of where Maddie was going, what she planned to do or when she'd be back. Just a confirmation that she was choosing to leave and she didn't want Chimney to try to find her. It finished and started again and Buck realised that Chimney had set it on repeat.
How long have you been sitting watching that over and over?" he asked. He walked over to the pack and play and picked up his niece. "Hi Jee-Jee, it's strange here without your Mommy, isn't it, but Daddy and your family will look after you until she comes back."
"Mind your own business, this is all Jee and I have of her mother," Chimney snapped.
"She will come back," Buck tried to reassure his friend.
"You don't know that! You don't know what she's been going through!" Chimney yelled at him, waking the baby.
"No, I don't know what the two of you have been going through because you both shut me out when I wanted to help but I do know my sister. It isn't in her to leave her daughter or us permanently, she can't even give up on trying to build a relationship with Margaret and Phillip, no matter how many times they let her down. She shuts herself away and deals with things on her own. That's what her parents have taught her to do in denying her the ability to grieve openly for Daniel when he died. But she will be back when she gets her head back on straight," Buck replied.
"She has PPD, she could be…" Chimney broke off unable to finish the sentence.
"Have you called the police and reported her missing?" Buck asked.
"No, not…I spoke with Athena and Bobby and they both said with the video message as proof she left on her own accord there's nothing the police can do," Chimney said, angrily.
Jee-Yun kept screaming, not familiar enough with Buck to take comfort from his presence when she could hear her father was so upset.
"Hey Jee-Yun, it's Uncle Buck. I know it's scary at the moment with your Mommy away and Daddy so upset but he didn't mean to frighten you. It will be okay Daddy and I and Uncle Albert and the FireFam will take good care of you until Mommy gets well enough to come back," Buck said rubbing her back as she started to calm.
"Was Maddie receiving treatment for her PPD, maybe you could talk to her doctor. If he thinks that she's in danger he could talk to the police about registering her as a missing person," Buck suggested.
"She didn't need therapy, her doctor had given her medication for it," Chimney replied.
"Have you spoken to him. Does he think Maddie would hurt herself?" Buck pressed.
"He wasn't concerned," Chimney said dismissively.
Chimney had turned back to the video. "There's someone else there, she keeps looking at them. Do you think she could've been coerced to make the video?"
Buck continued to rock Jee-Yun in his arms as he thought about it. Maddie had been stressed and sad when she rang him, but she hadn't seemed frightened. He watched the message she left through again, then looked around the room and walked over to stand where he thought Maddie had been standing when she made the recording. He looked to the right like Maddie had in the video and realised what she'd been looking at. "It's Jee-Yun, she's looking at where the Pack-&-Play is."
"How do you know, there could have been someone standing there threatening Jee to make her say all that," Chimney insisted.
"When Maddie was kidnapped by Doug, she did everything she could to leave a trail so we could find her," Buck reminded Chimney. "She would have left some sort of message in the video if she was being coerced."
"You don't know that, she could have been given a script to read," Chimney yelled making Jee-Yun cry again.
"It sounds like Maddie, the word choices are what she would have used," Buck insisted. "Even if they'd told her what to say it would've been easy for her to use a nickname you don't use or something."
"Maddie is depressed, she isn't able to think that clearly and quickly," Chimney retorted. "You don't know how she's been."
"No but I honestly think that sounds like Maddie, saying she needs to take off for a while," Buck said. "I've heard messages like that from her before."
Chimney glared at him and insisted. "You're wrong!"
"When's Jee-Yun due for a feed," Buck asked when she didn't settle, he'd checked her diaper and she was dry.
Chimney looked surprised, then glanced at his watch and looked guilty. "She's due to be fed. I'll make her a bottle."
"Do you have formula, is she transitioning to it okay?" Buck asked.
"Maddie and I transitioned her a couple of months ago," Chimney replied.
"Oh!" Buck said hurt, he hadn't known that. Maddie and Chim had used the excuse that Maddie was having difficulty expressing as a reason for not leaving Jee-Yun with anyone right up until the day the blackout started.
Chimney made the bottle up and demanded that Buck hand over the baby for him to feed. "Has she started on solid foods?" Buck asked.
"If you can call that pureed slop solid, but she's due a bottle, I'll give her her lunch in a while." Chimney replied, chuckling mirthlessly.
A few days later Chimney brought Jee-Yun to the station to have lunch with A shift. "I've missed Bobby's cooking," he said.
Chimney had seemed to accept that Maddie had not been coerced into leaving. Buck hoped that meant Maddie had called and talked to him, but if she had, he didn't mention it.
"I'm going to go and find Maddie, show her that Jee is missing her, and that she's not better off without her. Maddie's a good mother, she just needs to be reminded of that? She needs to come home?" Chimney said.
Buck frowned, positive affirmation was good but it wouldn't cure Maddie's PPD. "Do you know where she went? Have you heard from her?" he asked.
"No but I figure she would have gone somewhere she felt comfortable, where she has friends and family to support her," Chimney replied.
Buck wasn't sure about that but he could see the rest of the team nodding.
"Maddie wanted you and Jee-Yun to stay here where we could all support you, she asked you not to follow her," Buck said.
"Maddie wasn't in her right mind when she left," Chimney pointed out.
Buck refrained from telling him that if her PPD was that bad then she also hadn't been in her right mind when she chose not to go to therapy or accept treatment for it or when she isolated herself from all her friends and normal support network but Chimney had been happy enough to let her do those things and even encouraged the isolation. Not to mention that he'd trusted her to be able to look after Jee-Yun on her own for the duration of the blackout.
"Tell him I'm right," Chimney said to Eddie, "You regretted letting your wife walk away and not going after her."
"I did," Eddie agreed, "But the circumstances aren't the same. I always knew where Shannon went and she was going to look after her dying mother, and it was obvious from the way she wasn't returning my calls that she wasn't ready to talk to me. I'm not sure that going after her wouldn't have caused her more stress."
"Yeah, the circumstances were different. You knew that she'd gone to be with her mother, you knew she was okay and had support. She'd talked about visiting her and made a plan. Maddie hasn't even packed most of her stuff. She needs to be found and reassured it's okay to come home," Chimney said urgently.
"Who will you leave Jee-Yun with while you're away?" Hen asked. "I'm sure Karen and I would be happy to have her, we're all set up for a child that age."
"I can't leave her behind. She needs to be there when I find Maddie, to help me convince her to come home," Chimney answered.
"Taking Jee-Yun will slow you down a lot. It wouldn't be good for a child that age to spend more than 4-5 hours in the car each day," Hen said concerned.
"It will only be until I catch up with Maddie, it will be fine," Chimney replied.
"I don't think Maddie would want you to do this. She'd want you to be here taking the best possible care of Jee-Yun, not traipsing around the country with her baby," Buck said.
"Buck, I think in this situation you need to recognise that Chimney knows his girlfriend better than you do," Bobby said.
"Yeah, because I haven't known her my whole life. I know how she reacts to stressful situations and finding out you're searching for her is only going to make her run further and stay out of contact for longer. Trust me I know that from experience," Buck said bitterly, getting up and walking away, not willing to listen to his team all supporting this idea.
Everyone was so busy supporting Chimney that nobody was thinking about what was best for Maddie. She'd nearly been murdered when her husband had tracked her down after leaving him. While he didn't suspect Chimney of wanting to deliberately harm his sister, how she would feel about being tracked down like that again might tip her over the edge. And Hen had a valid point that it wouldn't be good for Jee-Yun to be taken on a road trip like this. Chimney had no proof Maddie was headed towards Boston or Hershey, and even if she was it was a 44 hour drive and straight through. Chimney wouldn't be able to drive straight there though, he would have to stop at every truck stop and petrol station looking for traces of her, who knows how much that would slow him down. Buck was worried that it was going to take a lot longer than anyone expected.
A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed, commented positively, followed, bookmarked or favourited or gave Kudos to this story for your support.