CHAPTER 19

DAY 34

AN: After last Saturdays chapter had low reviews, I'm hesitant about releasing this chapter on a Saturday as well, but we'll give it a try. If you want me to continue posting daily leave a review or we'll go to M-F postings. The story is written, so it's all in your hands.

Saturday evening

After dinner, I decided to relax in the hot tub as the sun went down. I leaned back, letting the jets do their job, and thought about what it would be like to stay here forever.

"Do you mind if I join you?"

My eyes popped open to find Finn in his board shorts, but his t-shirt was gone. My mouth went dry. "Sure… um… go ahead. It's your hot tub… I mean, this is your house. You can do whatever you want." Shit! What was wrong with me? He stepped into the bubbling water and sat to my left while I looked out at the lake. His silence finally got the better of me. "Do you think I'm crazy?" His confused expression made me clarify. "My reaction to the hunter. Do you think I reacted like a crazy person?"

The silence stretched uncomfortably, making my chest hurt. "Do you think your reaction was crazy?"

If Joe had been there today, he'd have yelled and berated me for being stupid… a complete screw-up.

"Probably. I mean, people think they're capable of killing another person, but I know I am, and that scares me. I could've killed that man today. I was that angry."

"You might think you were out of control, but you reigned yourself in. You didn't need anyone to do that for you."

"Maybe." I shrugged. "Still, I'm sorry I worried you."

"I'm glad you're okay, but rushing a man with a loaded rifle wasn't wise." Our eyes met for a moment before I looked away. "You already know your actions were extreme. Just remember to stay calm and not let your emotions take over."

"The hunter was stalking the deer just like Durant stalked me and the other women."

"It'll take a while to get over that. If ever."

The nightmare I had a couple weeks ago popped into my head, along with the nagging feeling that I would need to disappear. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"You have a lot of books about living off-grid. Is it really possible to avoid detection in this day and age?"

He raised one eyebrow. "Possible? Yes. Probable? No. It's hard to be invisible with facial recognition and CCTV cameras pointed at you every day. Without thorough planning, it's unlikely that someone could go undetected for long."

"Planning, as in using an alternate identity and paying with cash?"

"For starters." Little furrows deepened between his eyes as he studied me. "Are you afraid of someone? Is that why you want to know how to disappear?"

"No. No one's after me. At least not any more than usual."

"Then why are you so curious about disappearing?"

I admit what I was asking sounded over the top, but I wanted to be prepared if the time came for me to go on the run. "I can't say exactly. Ever since I woke up from that nightmare a couple of weeks ago, I've felt that I would need to hide from someone or something at some point." I shrugged. "It's just a feeling I have. I've learned not to ignore them."

"You want to be prepared to leave everything and everyone?"

"Yeah."

"You'll need new papers that stand up to airport and border security screening."

"How do I get them?"

"I know a guy. I can set it up."

"You don't think I'm being paranoid?"

"I think you've been through a lot. If this makes you feel better, then what does it hurt?"

I nodded in agreement because that was exactly what I was thinking, too. "With any luck, I'll never have to use the things I learn."

"That's the motto of every law enforcement and military officer."

"Speaking of cops and soldiers, your books have taught me how to tell if someone is lying to me, but what if the person has been trained not to reveal their emotions at all? I have a lot of cops and ex-soldiers as friends, and they all have what I call a blank face expression that I can't read, yet they have no trouble reading me. I'd like to keep them from doing that and maybe learn how to read them. Is that possible?"

"As far as keeping someone from reading you, I'd say get comfortable with long silences. Rushing to fill the conversational void puts you at a disadvantage because every word is another piece of the puzzle for someone reading you. But even the most highly trained person will reveal something if you know what to watch for. Sometimes it's as simple as a flick of their eyes, a quick blink, licking their lips, or a casual hand gesture."

"You mean like micro expressions?"

"I see you've learned a lot from the books. The mind and body quickly interpret joy, fear, surprise, disgust, anger, contempt, and sadness. Only someone highly trained will be unreactive to verbal or physical stimuli. Even that isn't one hundred percent."

I thought of Ranger and his blank face. Sometimes I could read his eyes to determine his intent, and the inflection in his voice gave me clues. "You're saying if I watch closely enough, I'll be able to spot those micro-expressions, even in a Special Forces Soldier?"

"Granted, they've been trained specifically against giving information to the enemy. Still, if you know what to look for and they feel safe in your presence, you'll be able to read them well enough in time."

A new thought struck me. "Could I learn to telegraph false micro-expressions to mislead someone trying to read me?" If Finn was correct, this new skill could be life-changing.

"I teach that in my advanced class." His eyes crinkled at the corner. "I may end up regretting teaching you all this."

"Don't worry, I won't use my new superpower against you." He chuckled, making his chest muscles dance. All my thoughts went out the window. To end the awkward silence, I said the first lame thing that came to mind. "I'm a pretty good fibber." I shook my head slightly. Did I just say that? I wanted to slowly sink under the water.

He quirked his eyebrow. "Doesn't surprise me. I bet it comes in handy being a bounty hunter."

"It has." A warm feeling exploded in my chest when he smiled. "I don't want to sound sexist, but if you boost a man's ego with a compliment and a well-timed show of skin, they can be easily distracted." I paused, thinking about what I had just admitted. The old Steph would have apologized or felt guilty for treating an entire gender unfairly. The new Steph considered it another weapon in her arsenal for survival. "Does that make me sound callous or maybe manipulative?"

"The word I would choose would be crafty. Women are taught to be cautious and fearful straight from the cradle, while males are given a false sense of safety. Men don't worry about someone slipping a date rape drug in their drink or being abducted off the street. Being female might put you at a disadvantage, but it can also be an asset. Men will mistake your smaller size for weakness and underestimate you."

"I might know a thing or two about that."

"I'm sure you do. Instead of treating it as a weakness, make that your strength."

I don't think he was aware, but he'd shifted closer to me during our conversation. "I've been paying attention tonight, and I think I've learned a few things about you."

"You think you can read me?" His eyes locked onto mine, clearly intrigued. "What did you learn?"

Now that he was challenging me, I wasn't as confident anymore, but I pressed on. "I'm almost 99% sure you want me."

There was a long silence while he stared at me. "What makes you think that?"

"Well, you made prolonged eye contact with me as you licked your lips and had trouble looking away."

"Have you considered that my lips were dry?" He was trying to make me doubt myself.

I smiled. "Were they dry?"

"No." When I laughed, he leaned a little closer. "What else did my body language reveal?"

"The longer we talk, the more you lean in, and your knee has brushed against mine at least three times."

"My knee isn't usually so forward. Maybe your knee initiated contact?"

I placed my hand over my chest in mock outrage. "It's possible, but what about how you take a deep breath causing your upper body to look bigger and more muscular? That screams, look at me. I'm the alpha dog."

It was his turn to laugh as he slid even closer, reaching out to touch my jaw. "What does this tell you?"

My mouth went dry, and my insides did this funny sizzle as his fingers touched my hair, then my face. "That you want me, but you're nervous?"

"Yeah?" He lifted his eyebrows, curious for me to go on.

I closed the remaining distance until our thighs touched. "But your biggest giveaway is the little spark in your eye tonight."

"I'm your teacher. We shouldn't be doing this." He swallowed heavily but made no attempt to move away.

"I've learned the hard way that wasting time or denying what you want is foolish."

"Getting physical changes things. I might not push you as hard as I did before."

"Oh, I think you will."

"I don't have anything to offer you."

He was trying hard to convince us that this was a bad idea. "I'm not looking for a commitment. I just want right now."

"Can you do that?" He looked doubtful.

"You mean, am I sure I won't fall in love with you because you're so charming?"

He chuckled. "No, not that. But you don't seem like someone who has one-night stands or flings."

"I just got out of a long-term relationship, and I'm not looking to start another one."

"This can't go anywhere. You'll drive down this mountain in eight weeks, and I'll stay here."

"Okay," I said and kissed him.

"I'm serious." He pulled back enough to see my face. "This isn't going to turn into something more."

"Okay." I tried to kiss him again, but he held me away, studying me with quiet intensity. He must have gotten an answer to the debate he was having in his mind because he pulled me against his chest and kissed me with a passion I hadn't felt in far too long. My fingertips danced across his well-developed pecs, and he sucked in a breath as my nail grazed his nipple. I flattened my palm over his heart. It was racing as fast as mine.

"Not here," he said before standing. I looked up as water cascaded off him. "I'm going to shower and give us both time to think."

He opened the French doors to his bedroom and disappeared inside before I could protest. I sat there, puzzled. Morelli and Ranger would have had my clothes off and me on my back in seconds. My cheeks felt hot with embarrassment and hurt. I stewed for a while before getting out to take my own shower.

I walked through the house without running into him. When I found his bedroom door closed, I knew he'd changed his mind. The message couldn't have been clearer. My embarrassment grew even more. How would I face him in the morning?

After I showered and dressed in my nightshirt, I sat on my bed to think. We'd been on the same page in the hot tub. How could it have gone so wrong? I tossed back and forth a few times, but sleep alluded me. I got up to get a drink from the kitchen when I noticed his door ajar. Was this an invitation?

I moved closer.

I could see the firelight flickering from within. I'd never been inside his room. My curiosity about that and other things had me raising my hand to knock. I hesitated, my heart racing in anticipation and fear. Could I be bold enough to take what I wanted? I'd rarely been the aggressor in relationships, always letting the man set the pace and tone, but I had a feeling Finn wouldn't make the first move.

The door slowly opened. Finn stood there in plaid sleep pants and nothing else. I focused on his chest, rising and falling as quickly as mine. I felt better knowing he was just as nervous as I was. "Are you coming in?"

As soon as I stepped inside, his arms came around me, and his lips were on mine. I came up on my tip toes to get closer to him. Our hands roamed frantically, touching any expanse of skin we could reach. He lifted me as he backed me against the wall, and I wrapped my legs around his waist.

He broke the kiss and pulled his hand from under my shirt to rest on my hips. Breathing heavily, he said, "After everything you've been through, I feel like I'm taking advantage of you."

"Okay." I tried pulling him back down to kiss me again, but he wouldn't budge. I dropped my legs, and he stared at the floor, conflicted. I badly wanted his lips back on mine, so I ran my fingertips across his chest muscles and waited till he met my gaze. "You're honorable. You're kind. You're sexy." He frowned as if he didn't believe me. "You're helping me in ways you'll never know. For months I've felt this heavy weight on me, and right now, it feels… less."

For several interminable seconds, all he did was stare. Then he moved his hand from my hip to my neck, running his thumb along my bottom lip in delicate passes. "You're absolutely gorgeous. You've been here a handful of weeks, and I've already forgotten how I got along without you. Are you sure we can do this without one of us getting hurt?"

"I hope so because I really want you." I was ready to take a gamble, and according to the glint in his eye, so was he.

I don't know where my boldness came from. I kissed him long and hard as I backed him toward the bed. After he sat down, I straddled him. My nightshirt rode up my thighs as his hands made their way to my ass, kneading tentatively at first and then with more desperation.

I glanced down at his bulge straining under his pajama bottoms. When I rubbed my core over his hardness, he groaned, so I did it again. His hips bucked as if he had no control, and I was the only thing in the world that could give him what he needed, what he craved. I felt myself growing wetter by the second. I lifted my shirt over my head in a move that made me feel sexy. His eyes widened, and he raised his big, rough hands to palm my breasts. He caressed them with deliciously slow movements, then leaned in to lightly run his tongue around my nipple before sucking it into his mouth. A zing of electricity went straight to my clit. I whimpered and maybe even begged for more.

His fingers moved over the silky material between my legs. I let out a moan, and his mouth captured it as he kissed me deeply. "Yes," I panted, leaving no doubt about what I wanted him to do.

As he kissed his way down my neck, his fingers snaked their way inside my underwear and parted my folds. I shivered as the pad of his finger brushed over my sensitive nub. He circled lightly, then moved down to my opening. While his thumb worked my clit, he thrust one finger and then another inside me. His fingers lit a fire, taking me higher until I was hanging at the edge of release. I shifted, needing more. He increased his speed, and I came apart.

He held me while my body shuddered and calmed. When my breathing was under control, I stood and slid my thong down my legs while he got rid of his sleep pants and boxers. I sucked in a breath. Since that day I walked in on him in a towel, I've fantasized about what was underneath it, and now I knew. He was big everywhere. I was about to be a lucky girl.

He let me have my fill, and when my eyes finally made their way back up to his face, I found him looking at me with such hunger I shivered. Slipping my hand under the waistband of his pants, I grasped his hard length, and he let out a low growl. My breath hitched, knowing I was the one who did that for him.

As I pumped him, he clenched the bedding and grew longer and harder. He put his hand over mine when he couldn't take it anymore. "You have to stop, or it'll be over too soon."

He opened the bedside drawer and pulled out a condom. I hadn't thought about protection, so I was glad to see he had, and yet I wondered why he needed them since he was a self-professed recluse.

Worried about coming across as cocky, his cheeks tinged red, and he looked down to hide his discomfort. "I bought them last weekend. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision."

I smiled to ease his worry, took the packet, and slid it over his length. "Lie back. This won't hurt a bit."

Understanding that I needed to be in charge, he smiled and did what I said. I rubbed my opening over the tip of his cock and lowered myself onto him. We both groaned as he filled me. Giving myself a moment to catch my breath, I opened my eyes to find him breathing just as heavily as I was. I thought he would take this opportunity to flip me onto my back and take away my control. Instead, we worked in tandem as he raised his hips to meet mine, driving into me over and over. Our rhythm became faster and more frantic. Almost desperate. Tension built as I was consumed with sensations. I tried to savor it… to make it last longer… but I was helpless to stop what was about to crash through me, through us.

"I can't wait," he gasped. "I'm sorry."

His cock swelled inside me, and I felt him jerk before we came together. His arms were wrapped tightly around me, and my face was buried in his neck. I couldn't move if my life depended on it. I smiled as he pulsed inside me, but I wasn't ready to look at him or address what had just happened.

Normally, I'd roll over and go to sleep, and Morelli would wake me up for round two sometime later. I couldn't do that with Finn. I knew myself. If I laid beside him all night after what we'd shared, I'd develop feelings, more feelings than I already had. That would be bad. I had to go back to my room. There was no other option.

After our bodies calmed, he loosened his arms, and I slid off him. Feeling self-conscious, I found my shirt mixed up in the bedding and slipped it over my head. My underwear wasn't as easy to locate, and I didn't want to take the time. I looked around his room for the first time. Like the rest of the house, it was rustic and comfortable. A fire flickered in the stone fireplace to my left, casting a glow around the room. In front of that was a brown leather loveseat. A dresser was in the corner, and of course, the enormous bed he sat on.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I should go back to my room."

"You don't have to." I wasn't sure what I hoped his response would be. I knew enough to realize he wouldn't pressure me to stay with him. Yet, his honor would dictate that he extend the invitation even if he didn't really mean it.

"I know." I'd told him I could handle a no strings attached affair, but I was overwhelmed. I needed a moment to process everything.

"Please tell me you don't have regrets."

"I don't regret what we did, but I feel slightly overwhelmed." I let him judge the truth of my statement, and then a horrible thought struck me. "Do you have regrets?"

"Not a one." He said it with such conviction that I truly believed him.

With as much self-confidence as I could muster, I walked into the adjoining bathroom. I locked the door and leaned against it. I couldn't believe I'd just done that. I smiled because I wanted to do it again. Get a hold of yourself, Stephanie. This wasn't an affair of the heart, and it wasn't love. We were two people who had suffered at the hands of madmen. No one else could understand what we'd gone through or lost. We came together to forget the pain and fear for a little while. It was relief in the darkness.

That night I fell asleep happy for the first time in a long while.