CHAPTER 28

DAY 49

Sunday

AN: What do you think about Steph's progress with conquering her fears? She's getting stronger mentally, physically, and emotionally every day. How will Ranger react to the new Steph and a strict friendship-only relationship? Leave a review and let me know your thoughts.

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Finn knew I was rattled about setting foot in a grocery store for the first time since escaping from Durant.

"As long as you're with me, I'll be okay."

"If you decide it's too much, you can always come out to the truck and wait, or I can bring you back to the cabin and do the errands another time."

I was touched by his willingness to do everything in his power to make this easier for me. "I can't believe I ever thought you were scary."

He jerked his eyes from the road. "You were scared of me?"

"A little." I shrugged. "It was pretty obvious you didn't want me here. You had this whole grumpy lumberjack thing going on. It was kinda cute."

Most of the time he was serious, so hearing him laugh was a treat. "We'll see who's grumpy in the gym tomorrow," he threatened lightheartedly and then asked, "Do you remember the videos about situational awareness I asked you to watch the other evening?"

"Yeah?"

"Today, we're going to practice what you learned. While we get the supplies on the list, I want you to watch for potential threats and keep at least two exit plans in mind. I'll ask you random questions as we go to see how well you're doing."

"So, I need to be aware of my surroundings?" Where have I heard that before?

"Yes. I want you to listen and scan the area with all your senses. It's better to be cautious than dead, so never rush into a situation without a clear plan. But most of all, listen to your intuition. It'll alert you that something isn't right."

"I can do that."

"The mission is to remain under the radar, so don't make eye contact with people. We want to be forgettable, yet I want you to recall information about people who could be potential threats… like clothing, age, gender, and hair color."

"This will help me go undetected if I ever have to use my fake papers."

He nodded his head, agreeing with me. I appreciated him not acting as if I were ridiculous for wanting to have an alternate identity established. I couldn't explain it. There was just this little voice in my brain warning me that there would come a time when I needed to disappear. If I dwelled on that voice, I'd be paralyzed with fear, so I just accepted it and planned accordingly. Maybe it would come to pass, and maybe it wouldn't. Only time will tell.

"What are the two things you should never do while walking or running?" he began quizzing me.

I didn't even have to think. I'd memorized it word for word. "Never use my cell phone because that can distract me from my surroundings, and never listen to music because that can drown out someone's approach, thereby increasing their likelihood of getting the drop on me."

He swelled with pride. "You're my star pupil."

I rolled my eyes.

We settled into silence, and I let my mind wander to the latest book I was reading. It was called The Science of Those Without a Conscience. Finn told me it was something he'd studied as a part of his work with the FBI. He wanted to understand the psychopath's motivations. He said you couldn't catch them without getting into their head. After reading half the book, I realized I'd gotten into Durant's head without knowing what I was doing.

As we pulled off the interstate, I felt my agitation grow. By the time we pulled into the parking lot of Costco, I was vibrating with unease. Finn parked and got out while I sat frozen in my seat. Panic built. I've made a huge mistake. I was convinced I would encounter someone like Durant, and they would become fixated on me and want to do me harm. They would look normal, just like he had, attractive even, and I wouldn't be able to tell that they had evil intentions.

Finn was at my side of the truck, but he hadn't tried to open the door. He was leaving it up to me. With anyone else, I would have felt pressured. I knew he would take me back to the cabin like he said, no questions asked. But I wouldn't run. Not anymore.

I opened the door and slid out before I changed my mind. Finn nodded at me encouragingly and walked beside me as we approached the store. When we came to the sidewalk, I slowed and began second-guessing myself harder. Finn offered his hand before I could retreat, and I grasped onto it like a lifeline. Together, we entered the store.

Finn got us a cart, and we began filling them with items from the list. Since it was early Sunday morning, there weren't many people around. I watched the other shoppers with hypervigilance that had nothing to do with Finn's assignment and everything to do with being afraid that someone would take unhealthy notice of me.

"Can you point out the exits?" Finn asked to distract me from my mounting panic.

I pointed them out, and then he asked questions about the people we passed. He wanted to know their approximate ages, the color of their clothing, and so on. Focusing on details helped with my anxiety, but that all went out the window as we approached the freezer section. My feet stopped moving.

Realizing my dilemma, Finn quietly waited for me to decide how to handle this. In the few seconds we stood there, the entire scene where I met Durant in the grocery store played out in my mind. That meeting hadn't been significant to me, so the details didn't imprint on my memory as something momentous would have. I certainly didn't recall it with the vividness that Durant had. In fact, I wasn't sure if what I was replaying was from my actual memory or because my brain conjured up images based on things he'd told me. I had kind of lost my marbles a bit in the cellar. Who wouldn't? Hunger, loneliness, and thirst had made me mentally and emotionally susceptible to hallucinations. So, it was highly possible what I was replaying was a false memory, or at the very least, impacted by Durant's view of our interaction.

"I have to do this, don't I?" Putting it off would only prolong Durant's control over my life.

"Robert Frost said the best way out is always through."

I stared down the aisle, watching the handful of shoppers as I counted my breaths and did the calming trick by rubbing my thumb and index finger in a circular pattern.

"It doesn't have to be today, though," Finn offered me a way out.

"I know," I said, but the thought of waiting here alone while he got what we needed was scary in its own way. It would help to do this quickly while no one was around. "I'll push the cart, and you get the items from the freezers." Now that my decision was made, we waited for the last shopper to turn the corner. As soon as the aisle was empty, I steadily pushed the cart. I was afraid that if I stopped, I would become paralyzed.

Finn quickly got the items and put them in the moving cart. I kept my eyes in front until we made it to the end and then wiped the sweat from my forehead as I breathed to ease the constriction in my chest. Now that it was over, I was already dreading the next visit because, at some point, I'd have to actually open the freezer doors myself. Still, no matter how much time passed, I didn't think I'd ever be able to eat ice cream again.

After we checked out, we were back in the truck and on our way home. "You did good," Finn said. He drove for a little while, long enough for the memory of the people we encountered today to begin to fade, and then asked, "Do you remember the boy throwing a tantrum? What was he wearing?"

"A red jacket."

"Say you were wearing that jacket and needed to change your appearance quickly because someone was following you. What could you do?"

"I could turn it inside out or just take it off and ditch it."

"That's right. Next time, we can focus on losing someone whose following you. You can use tricks like checking the reflection in a store window to see behind you."

I knew a lot about ducking from people, and I'm sure he had a lot more to teach me, but there was something I wanted to ask him. "Do you know anything about how to detect listening or tracking devices?"

"Sure. Handheld electromagnetic frequency detectors can be purchased at most electronic stores or on Amazon. They can locate anything that emits radio waves, including bugs, cameras, baby monitors, cell phones, and cordless phones. Why? Do you think someone is tracking you? Is this why you want the alternate identity papers?"

"No. I already explained why I want the papers. I'm just being extra cautious." It wasn't the whole truth, but I got the feeling he wouldn't understand why I allowed Ranger to track me. He would think Ranger was a stalker and be worried about me. That was the kind of man Finn was. "Can you show me what to order when we get back to the cabin?"

"Sure."

We settled into comfortable silence. I cast a sideways glance at Finn as he drove. He had a fantastic body, and he was a nice man. A true unicorn. The more I got to know him, the more attractive he became. There was an amazing amount of heat between us, but I had no illusion that this was a relationship. I wasn't in love with him, and I don't think he felt that way about me either, but we cared for each other. And right now, that was enough.

Being away had given me a vantage point to view my life, and if I was honest with myself, which I tried hard to do these days, I didn't like what I saw. I'd fallen into a pattern where I let men dictate the terms in my personal life while I stood by and went along with whatever conditions they outlined. Why? I don't know. Ranger and Morelli were in and out of my life at their whim. They pursued me when they were horny and walked away the rest of the time. Morelli had dangled the carrot of a future in front of me, a future I was supposed to want but wasn't sure was right for me. He couldn't even be faithful while trying to convince me to marry him, so I figured he was just as confused.

Ranger was no better. Sure, he cared for me—even loved me in his own way—and went to great lengths to keep me safe, but every time we were together sexually, I lost a little more of myself to him. He could sense when I was getting too attached and fed me the same tired lines about his life not lending itself to relationships or that he had to repair his karma. Then, he'd walk away and distance himself. He made it look easy. I bear partial responsibility for that messed up pattern because I'd been no better, bouncing between his bed and Morelli's. I hadn't been brave enough to clearly state what I needed from him or myself. Not until the day in my apartment when I stepped out of my comfort zone and finally laid my cards on the table. I didn't want to waste my life pining for a man to decide I was worth the effort to make accommodations to be in his life. That decision had backfired on me—big time—when Ranger very gently told me that friendship was all he could offer.

Friendship?

I often wondered if he'd be interested in maintaining our friendship if the promise of sex was removed for good. Knowing what I know now, I shouldn't have allowed things to get complicated in the first place, but I chalked that up to lessons learned. Being only friends wouldn't be easy, though. I had real feelings for Ranger that would take time to transition from romantic into a bond of friendship only. He'd been there for me from the beginning, and we deserved to preserve what we had.

Before I could take his offer of friendship, I had to find a way to forgive him for not telling me about Morelli and Terry Gilman. I'm not big on forgiveness. If you hurt me, I'm not likely to forget and definitely not willing to give second chances; just ask Dickie. After our conversation the other day about forgiveness, Finn left me with a lot to think about. Maybe I was judging Ranger too harshly. Knowing that Morelli was cheating on me put Ranger in a tough position. It's true; no one likes to be the bearer of bad news. Since I was allowing myself a fresh start, I decided I could afford the same courtesy to Ranger. When I got back to Trenton, we would start over and see what a true friendship looked like without factoring in the sexual component.