-000-
Olivia heard Noah's door open, and Elliot dropped his hands, and she stepped away from him. His eyes never left hers, providing quiet reassurance that he had her, and she wasn't alone with this. She closed her eyes and took a slow breath before opening them again, and turning towards the footsteps coming from the hall.
Noah was almost in the kitchen before asking, "Elliot, did we buy any popcorn? I know we grabbed some snacks but popcorn would be cool with the movie."
She felt her jaw clench as she tried not to cry. Elliot's reassuring hand drifted to the small of her back. "We did, but your mom and I needed to talk to you about something for just a minute first. Okay?"
She felt his hand place more pressure on her back, urging her towards the living room. Noah's face dropped with concern, and she knew it was because her body language screamed something was wrong. "Okay," his voice sounded hesitant.
Olivia sat on the couch first, and Noah settled next to her. All smiles already vacated the premises. Elliot sat on the ottoman facing the pair. He leaned forward so his forearms rested on his knees, making him closer to Noah's eye level.
Olivia felt the anxiety radiating off of Noah's body, and she put her arm around his shoulders. She'd do anything to make this go away, to spare him this, but she couldn't. This was something she couldn't fix, something she couldn't change. She was glad Noah couldn't see her face from this angle because she knew her eyes were already watering.
Noah couldn't handle the tension anymore. He was apparently ready to get whatever it was over with. "What's going on?" He asked softly. His blue eyes lifted to Elliot, seeming to know he was the one delivering the news.
Elliot remained miraculously steady. She knew this was killing him as much as it killed her, but somehow he kept his voice soft but strong. "The hospital called you mom this morning."
Noah started shaking his head. He knew what was coming, and he didn't want to hear the words. Olivia felt his body tense underneath the weight of her arm.
Elliot's eyes remained steady and firm, and she thanked God he was here for this. She could have done this on her own. She could have, but for once someone else could shoulder some of the burden, and that thought alone made her want to cry more.
"Clem…" Elliot started, but Noah suddenly stood up, startling both adults in the room.
"I think we put the popcorn in the cabinet by the fridge." He took a step in the direction of the kitchen. Olivia looked to Elliot, knowing her kid was headed straight to denial.
Elliot grasped Noah's wrist carefully, stopping him from getting too far into the kitchen. "Noh," he said carefully.
Noah's curls tossed back and forth as he shook his head again. "No." His voice shook, but he had to know. He had to hear the words.
Elliot grasped his other arm so Noah had to face him. "I'm sorry Noah." The words caught in his throat, but he still managed to get them out. "She died this morning."
Noah's eyes closed and tears streamed freely down his face. "It's not fair."
"I know," Elliot's voice thickened with emotion.
Noah pulled one arm free and Elliot released the other arm, allowing him to retreat. Olivia stood. She couldn't just let him run off to face it alone. She started in that direction, but Elliot stopped her.
"Wait." He grasped her hand, and she whipped back towards him.
"He needs me. I'm not just going to let him suffer by himself!" She hated how frantic her voice sounded, while he seemed incomprehensibly calm.
"Just wait," he said again calmly.
She wasn't waiting. She yanked her hand away, and started in the same direction, but this time he stood, blocking her path. She let out a frustrating groan and pushed against his solid wall of a chest.
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in so her cheek pressed into his chest. She wanted to push him out of her way, pound against his chest. She wanted to scream at him to move, but he only tightened his grip around her.
"Give him a minute," he whispered into her hair. "You can't just fly in there and fix it. This isn't something you can fix."
"I know that!" She knew her voice sounded bitter.
"Let him sit with this, Liv. Trust me. You rushing in there trying to make this better won't help. Let him process on his own."
"No." She was certain he was crazy. She was his mom and she got the final say. She resisted his embrace.
He lowered his voice. "I'm not saying we aren't going in there. I'm saying give him a minute. He wouldn't have left if he didn't want to be alone. Let him have some space for a minute." His lips pressed into her hair. "You know all these things Liv. You know I'm right."
She did. She knew he was right. It didn't mean she didn't want to punch him. "I don't like you right now."
He chuckled a little at that. "I know."
She slumped into him and his strong arms supported most of her weight. Her shaky breathing began to calm, and she suddenly remembered that it wasn't only Noah she worried about. She worried about Elliot too.
She tilted her head away from his chest. "Are you doing okay?" She asked quietly.
He sucked in a breath. "Uh. Not great," his voice shook a little.
"Do you need space?" She asked sincerely.
His arms tightened around her. "Not yet. Right now I need this." He kissed the top of her head. "I understand the impulse," he said, referring to Noah. "You know, to run."
"But you're not running…" she observed.
"No. Eventually I might need to go for a run. But not when you two need me here. I can wait. For now, this is enough."
-000-
He hated this just as much as she did. He hurt. She hurt. Noah hurt. And Noah was right. None of this was fair. He wasn't sure how long they stood there, holding each other in her living room, but she had finally calmed.
"Wanna check on him," he murmured with a low voice.
She nodded against him. He loosened his grip on her, slowly dropping his arms to be sure she was steady on her feet.
He followed her silently the short distance to the door of Noah's room. She knocked softly, and Elliot could hear a soft sniffle come from the other side of the door.
"Noah?" She said gently before turning the knob quietly. The room was dark, and Noah laid on his bed with his back to the door.
He didn't answer, but it seemed like his tears had melted into slow shaky breaths.
"Can I come in?" Olivia asked softly.
He stayed quiet for a moment before answering, "Yeah."
Her feet padded lightly across the carpet before she settled on the edge of his bed near his head. Elliot stayed in the doorway, arms folded, leaning against the frame. He said nothing, hoping his silent support would be enough.
He watched Liv brush his hair away from his face. Some locks were damped from the moisture still evident on his cheeks. He surprised them both when he spoke. "Have you figured out what happened, Mom?" His voice sounded raspy from the crying.
He took a step back, and Liv's eyes almost immediately shot up to him. He held out a finger, indicating he would be gone for a second.
She nodded and he heard her answer the question, as he entered the kitchen.
"A little, but we are still figuring out some stuff."
Elliot opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. He cracked it open, but left the lid loosely on. He made his way back to the doorway and stepped lightly into the room. He held out the water bottle for Olivia to take.
"Do you want some water?" She asked while brushing her fingers lightly though his curls.
"Yeah," he rasped as he sat up, and took the offered water bottle. After a few sips, he put the cap back on and set the bottle on his bedside table. He settled back into the bed, but this time he rolled over so he could lay his head in his mother's lap. From that position he could see Elliot standing nearby. His red puffy eyes nearly broke Elliot.
Noah rolled his head back and asked Olivia, "Do you know who hurt her?" He sounded hesitant, like he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.
She stroked his cheek lightly in a comforting motion, her brown eyes red with tears. "We are still finding out all the details baby." Elliot knew she was staying vague on purpose.
He rolled his face back so he could see Elliot. His blue eyes focused on his. He felt a little unnerved. He knew that look. He'd been on the receiving end of that look many times before. It was the look Olivia gave him when she wasn't going to take anymore bullshit, and she just wanted the straight faced truth. "It was Lucas, wasn't it."
Elliot looked at Olivia, but ultimately answered honestly. "We know he participated, but he didn't do it by himself." He knew Olivia backed off on the details for a couple of reasons, one being case integrity. He was her son, but she was still building a case. Lucas confessed to at least some of his part in it, but Abby had not, and ethically neither of them would bring up her involvement until he made the assertion himself.
Noah lifted a hand and brushed the back of his hand at his tears. "I don't get it. Why couldn't he just leave Clem alone? She was…she was nice. She was nice to everybody." Elliot watched Noah wipe his nose with his sleeve. "I don't get why anyone would want to hurt her."
Elliot's gaze drifted to Olivia's. Out of anyone in the world they understood. Twenty five years working with criminals, often perpetrators who targeted innocent women and children, still left them with the same question. Why?
"There's never a good reason why Noh," she said gently.
He closed his eyes and buried his face into her lap. She dropped a comforting hand to his head. They all sat in silence, not knowing what else to say. She continued to brush her fingers through his hair, and eventually asked, "Do you want to sleep in my room again tonight?"
He lifted his face with his eyes still dewy and wet with tears. "I'm tired, but I don't think I'll fall asleep." He dropped his head back down. "My brain won't stop thinking about it."
Elliot stepped a little closer. "What if we watch the movie you wanted to watch, and make the popcorn?"
"I don't know. It doesn't sound really fun anymore."
"Maybe not," Olivia soothed, "but maybe it will give your brain a break for at least a little while."
"You can lay on the couch with your mom just like that if you want," Elliot motioned towards the position they were in. "I can get everything ready if you just want to lay with your mom."
Noah hesitated, but eventually nodded. Elliot resisted the urge to kiss the top of the boy's head, like he so often did with his own kids. Sometimes it was hard to remember that he wasn't his, or even theirs. He was hers, and he was just some guy that spun into Noah's orbit. He wasn't Noah's dad, even if they both wished it. The thought reminded him of the time he missed, and that depressed him more.
He shook it off and headed for the kitchen. He tossed a bag of popcorn into the microwave. He tracked down the remote and dug out some blankets from Olivia's hall linen closet. After he tossed the blankets on the couch the microwave beeped. He pulled the hot bag from the microwave and dumped its contents into a large plastic bowl he found tucked behind a bunch of unused appliances.
He was bringing the popcorn into the living room when Olivia stepped behind him and wrapped her arms around his torso and leaned her head onto his back. "Thank you," she whispered emotionally.
He set the popcorn down on the ottoman and turned to better gather her into his arms. "It wasn't a big thing Liv. I know how much…" He let out a slow emotion filled breath. "Uh, how hard it is to have to tell your child something like that."
She tiptoed up and kissed his lips soft and slow. "It was a big thing to me, El." She kissed him again. "Thank you."
He kissed her head and let his arms drop, taking one of her hands in his. "Where's Noah?"
"I'm here." Elliot turned to see Noah coming from the hallway. He looked miserable, but he must have washed his face because he looked less tear stained and splotchy.
He quietly came around the couch and sat. Elliot let go of Olivia's hand, allowing her to settle in next to him. Once they were comfortable, and blankets were draped over them, he handed Olivia the popcorn, and Noah the remote.
Just as Elliot headed for the armchair on the other end of the couch, Noah spoke up. "You don't have to sit all the way over there," his voice was so quiet and uncharacteristically hesitant.
Elliot's eyes flicked up to Olivia who seemed as surprised as he was. Noah's eyes were expectantly watching him so he asked, "Where do you want me Noh?" Whatever Noah needed right now he wanted it to be on his terms.
"By Mom," he said firmly.
He looked to Olivia who nodded and scooted over to make room on her other side. Elliot sat and dropped his arm on the back of the couch. Olivia shifted her weight and Noah resumed his position with his head in his mother's lap. Once they were all cozy, Noah flipped through the TV apps until finding a mindless movie they could all lose themselves in.
-000-
Olivia awoke, and knew she wasn't in her bed. Her neck hurt, and she realized it was because she was using a not so soft thigh as a pillow. The movie was long over, and the faint glow of the TV's sleep screen dimly illuminated the room. At some point she must have slid down into a lying position on the couch, using Elliot as a pillow. She had Noah in front of her sleeping soundly in her arms. Elliot was sleeping with his head on the couch back, which was probably going to kill him by morning. His hand rested in the bare skin of her arm.
She hesitated to move. She didn't want to wake the boys, but her neck was killing her, and she knew Elliot would be in just as bad shape by morning.
Keeping her arms around Noah she softly said Elliot's name. "El?" She tried just a little louder, "El?"
His eyes blinked open as he acclimated himself through the same disorientation she had. His eyes finally drifted to her, still laying in his lap. "You okay?"
She was actually touched that his first thought directly out of sleep was her welfare. "I'm okay, but I think all of us need a bed."
He rolled his head around, stretching his neck. "Good idea."
She lifted her head so he could slip off the couch first. Once he stood and stretched out his muscles he leaned down to pick up Noah.
"He can walk. He's getting kinda big." She brushed her hands over his mop of curls.
Elliot shook his head. "He doesn't need to wake up. I got him." Once he had her son lifted in his arms, he said, "I wasn't here when he was small. I'm not going to have many opportunities to carry him anywhere."
The pain and regret in his voice pierced straight to her already aching heart. She stood and rubbed her hand over his upper arm before leaning in to kiss his cheek. "You're here now." And honestly, that meant everything.
She followed behind him as he carted an exhausted Noah to her room. He laid Noah on Olivia's side of the bed, and tucked the comforter over him. He affectionately brushed his hair away from Noah's face. It was incredible how much he already cared for that kid. It wasn't just that he was Olivia's. It was everything.
He stepped back and almost bumped into Olivia. "I can sleep in his bed if it's more comfortable for you guys."
She almost immediately shook her head. "It's a king, we will all fit fine."
His eyes asked if she was sure, and she reaffirmed the invitation. "Please. He needs me, but I…" she bit her lip nervously. "I need you."
He wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her forever, but instead he kissed her cheek and followed her into bed. She laid close enough to Noah to share his pillow. She threw an arm over him, much like the position they had slept on the couch. Elliot laid on her other side. He shifted his weight, trying to give her the space she needed to hold her son, but her arm reached back for him and she pulled his hand to her hip. She wanted to feel him there.
He slid a little closer so he could kiss the base of her neck. "I love you."
"I know," she returned before they both settled into sleep.