If there was one bullshit constant in their ragtag gang of Naraku annihilators, it wasn't him and Shippo constantly fighting over random bullshit, or Kagome making him sit if she felt he was doing something too violent, irritating, and/or both.
It was Miroku chatting up every single woman he saw.
Every single one.
By now, every time "young miss" escaped that man's mouth, Inuyasha had to clamp his eyes and ears shut for the inevitable, "Will you bear my child?" and the sight and sound of Sango attempting to inflict heavy objects on him in a show of typhoon-force strength.
Bleh. Why did Sango even care that much? It was just Miroku being Miroku, and yeah, he should have known better than to do things like that, but some people were just unfi –
"We have to fix that," Kagome said, exasperated eyes on the slap-slap-more-slap routine that Sango and Miroku had perfected over the last few months.
He followed her gaze to the visible tick marks and storm clouds rising on Sango's brow as surely as the morning sun would over the mountains.
Ugh, not this bullshit again.
Miroku and some young lady from this new village they'd been passing by.
Sango hefting a heavy metal pole in one hand and cracking the knuckles of her other hand.
"My, my, you have such wide hips, young lady..."
He sighed, waiting for the thunk of pole hitting flesh.
It didn't happen.
He blinked.
"Hey, Miroku-sama, you know who has even wider hips?" Kagome was yelling, sprinting over to the crime scene unfolding in real time. "Sango-chan!"
Miroku blinked.
So did Sango.
"I...beg your pardon?" Now a storm cloud was rising over the strange young lady the subject of such comparisons.
Inuyasha didn't get it.
"You heard me! Sango-chan has the strongest and widest hips ever!" Now Kagome had grasped hold of a bewildered Sango's shoulders and was practically shoving her at a more bewildered Miroku.
"Kagome-chan...?"
"Hey! I have amazing wide hips!" the complete stranger bellowed. "How dare you besmirch me?"
"Kagome-sama, what – "
Kagome powered through the interruptions, brows furrowed in an intense look of 'I need to complete this mission successfully or else the sky will crash into the earth.' She decided, obviously, that it would be smart to squeeze and show off Sango's apparently 'strongest and widest' hips.
Where was she even getting this from? There wasn't anything you could make out from Sango's hips anyway. She didn't even sashay as she walked or anything!
If she thought this was a good way to 'fix' things between Sango and Miroku, then Myoga-jii would one day leap into danger to save their lives, Sesshomaru would give refuge to a stray human girl, and Kagome would score well on her entrance exams and get into high school.
A five percent chance of success and nine hundred percent chance of failure.
"What do you think, Miroku-sama?"
"Kagome-chan!" Sango protested, face turning the color of Inuyasha's Fire-Rat Robe. Kagome ignored this comment, giving Miroku a look that communicated pain and suffering if he said otherwise.
Whether Miroku understood Kagome's implicit threat or whether he truly did appreciate Sango's hips, Inuyasha didn't know. But he gave the answer that Kagome wanted.
"Well...I...hmmm, yes, Sango does have perfect childbearing hips – "
Sango's face actually lit up at those words, though she did her best to maintain a neutral expression.
What?
That made no sense. No offense to Sango, but there was nothing to see there!
"Come on!" Inuyasha snapped. "We all know that Kagome's the one with the strongest and widest hips here!"
They all turned so suddenly to face him that their necks made a synchronized click. Kagome was gaping at him like a goldfish. He had no idea why.
"I mean, do you know how my waist hurts when she piggybacks?"
He was just stating facts.
"She could crush a boulder with those hips!"
Her face was blood red for some reason, but whatever! She would win this contest in a heartbeat.
"Erm...Inuyasha?" Miroku said.
Inuyasha ignored him, crossing his arms, closing his eyes, and smirking.
"If anyone could bear children like a boss, it's her. She's super strong." That was true, a hundred percent. She was the strongest person he had ever met. "But you should still stay away from Kagome, you hear?" he added in case Miroku got any ideas.
Kagome's eyes were...um.
(He did have the last laugh, in the end.)
A/N: Kagome being a shipper on deck and playing matchmaker with Miroku and Sango was always hilarious. :)
Remember when she was hiding in the bushes and tailing them to get a piece of the action? Ha ha.
As always, reviews are appreciated!