Chapter 4
The next morning Joy got up very nervous: she was happy with the day she would spend with her new friends, but she was also afraid of doing something wrong with Buck.
She put on a simple hazelnut dress, gathered her hair into a half ponytail and after preparing some biscuits and buns, she went to the function. There she met Rachel, Teaspoon and Jesse who had been forced by the woman to attend the sermon.
When they went out, they found the boys with their horses and buggy ready. Lou took Joy's basket and added it to the others and after Joy and Rachel got into the buggy they set off for the river.
On the way they chatted animatedly and teased Jesse that he had fallen asleep in church and Rachel had good-naturedly scolded him.
Once they arrived at the river, the girls spread out the blankets and arranged the baskets with food and drink, while the boys relaxed, some in the sun and some in the shade of the trees. Cody and Jimmy ventured into the river challenging themselves to see who could throw the furthest stones, while Jesse even took a dip in the cool waters.
The morning passed pleasantly and at lunch time they all gathered on the blankets. Buck was left next to Joy again. Like the night before, they exchanged only pleasantries. Joy was very frustrated and by now she thought she would never be able to change Buck's opinion about her.
After lunch, the boys and Teaspoon rested, Lou and Rachel went for a walk, while Joy, who wasn't much of a walker, decided to read a book she had just bought from Thompkins about religious ceremonies of the natives and while she was reading the ritual of the dance of the sun, with the detailed explanation of the suffering that the volunteers inflicted on themselves in this rite, she made funny and sometimes incredulous faces, so much so that Buck, who was pretending to sleep but was peering closely, he could not resist approaching.
Buck was still wary of this foreign girl who said she was passionate about his culture. He had already had bad experiences with people who were prejudiced against his people and he was not willing to suffer any more. However, there was something in that girl that attracted him and pushed him to go over his defenses. He tried not to trust her as much as the others did, but he was starting to think that maybe this time he was wrong and that Joy was really a good and honest girl as Rachel often told him. He decided to keep his positions for now but convinced himself to try to get to know her a little more little by little. He had noticed that Joy hadn't joined Rachel and Lou's walk and that she had been leaning against a tree reading a book and he was intrigued both about the subject and about the strange faces the girl was making as she read. He decided to try a shy approach, without letting go too much.
He joined her on the blanket and asked: "What is it about this book that makes you make such weird faces?"
Joy, who out of the corner of her eye had seen him approaching her, very tense and embarrassed, blushed and replied: "Well, I'm reading the description of the sun dance ritual and I am amazed to learn of the suffering these men voluntarily inflict on themselves . I don't know whether to admire them or pity them."
Buck looked at her curiously but also tenderly and felt almost compelled to explain. He sat down next to her and tried to explain to her the reasons that prompted these men to undergo the ritual, emphasizing their customs and beliefs. Joy listened to him fascinated and sometimes interrupted him with questions about matters she was struggling to understand. Buck explained them to her with patience and passion.
"Thanks Buck, your explanations have been very helpful to me. This is what I would like to do, to fully understand the thinking of these great men of the past and of today and perhaps with your help it would be much easier".
Joy had decided to take advantage of that serene moment to try a friendly approach with Buck.
"I really don't understand why you care so much"
"I told you, it's a passion that my father passed on to me and cultivating it makes me feel closer to him now that he's gone"
Buck looked into her eyes and nodded, then continued to explain some passages from the book to her.
It seemed that the tension between them was gone at least for that moment.
After a while Lou and Rachel returned from their walk, and when they saw Buck and Joy sitting next to each other in the distance, talking quietly, Lou turned to Rachel and said: "Maybe we've managed to create some of intimacy between those two. He's a big head and she doesn't want to give in."
"You know what Buck is like, he doesn't want to suffer, especially after Ike's death and in my opinion he likes her, but he's afraid of getting hurt like with that girl you told me about"
"Oh yes, Kathleen…"
"Yes she. Joy is very attracted to him, she confessed to me yesterday, but she is discouraged by his behavior"
"If Ike were here, maybe Buck would listen to him more than he does to all of us"
Ike was Buck's best friend, almost a brother, but he had died some time ago defending his beloved woman from an outlaw and hardened gambler. Buck had suffered greatly and had withdrawn even more since then.
They decided to give the two boys some more time and stopped on the river bank.
Buck meanwhile had gone on to explain the history of his tribe to Joy and had mentioned his brother Red Bear.
"Your brother on your mother's or father's side?", Joy asked innocently but unfortunately, without knowing it, she had hit the wrong button…
"I don't know anything about my father, he's dead to me, as if he never existed" and he went back to being grumpy as before.
Joy was very sorry and tried to apologize: "Sorry Buck, I didn't mean to mind your business, it came naturally to me to ask you this question since you are only half Kiowa. I'm sorry if I bothered you"
He replied annoyed: "My father raped my mother, now that you know, do me the favor of not mentioning him again" and stood up to go back on his blanket.
He spoke these words in an altered and somewhat loud voice, so that Teaspoon and the boys woke up.
Joy was very upset and reproached herself for never being able to hold her tongue.
Lou and Rachel, having witnessed the scene, also approached. Rachel nodded to Joy who looked away and Rachel knew she didn't want to talk about it now.
She hastened to propose: "Who wants some cake before returning to the city?".
Jesse was the first to take advantage of it, followed by everyone else, except for Joy and Buck who had lost their appetites.
When it got a little late, the women gathered up their baskets and blankets and walked back home. The boys had run ahead a bit to stretch the horses' legs, and so Rachel had a chance to talk to Joy for a bit. Lou also preferred to stay with them.
"What happened darling? I saw you so close but at one point he abruptly left".
Joy told the two friends what happened and Lou tried to explain Buck's motivations: "From what we learned from Ike" and explained who he was and how he left them, "Buck's father was a doctor who worked in the city close to her mother's village. He used to frequent the Kiowa camp to help Indians in need and often spent time with Buck's mother, so much so that it was rumored that the two were in love. One evening, while the woman was by the river, she saw him coming blind drunk. He tried to kiss her and she, frightened, tried to escape but in a moment he was on top of her and raped her, abandoning her on the grass. From that day on, nothing more was heard of him. The woman discovered she was pregnant and 9 months later gave birth to Buck who was welcomed by Red Bear's father as a son, but the other members of the tribe always looked at him in a bad way and as he grew older, they trusted him less and less . Buck, exasperated by that situation, when his mother died, left the camp a short time later to go on a mission of nuns where he met Ike and from that moment on they were inseparable. They arrived together in Sweetwater, where our station used to be. When Ike died, Buck withdrew into himself even more than before."
"Now I understand hisreaction, I was really stupid"
"You couldn't have known that, Joy", Rachel heartened
"And Buck has never looked for his father, has he no idea who he is?"
"According to Ike no, he didn't even want to know his name"
"Poor boy, who knows how much he suffered", Joy exclaimed.
When they got to town, they said goodbye and Joy wanted to try and reconnect with Buck. She approached him and said: "Thanks for today and sorry again", then without waiting for his reply, she turned around and went home.
"What did you do today?" Cody asked as she walked up to him.
"What do you want to say?"
"I allude to the words of Joy"
"Oh, that. She was reading a book about the sun dance and I explained a few things about the ritual, that's all."
"And why did she apologize?"
"Cody, ask her if you really care" and he left without waiting for his friend's reply.
Cody was beginning to understand why the girl had set the record straight with him, maybe his heart was already set…
The following week was calm: Joy alternated her work with household chores and reading (in the meantime the books had also arrived from Italy, accompanied by a letter from her friends congratulating her on her new life) and every anyway, when Rachel was free during her lunch break, the two women took advantage of it to chat a bit. Life flowed pleasantly and, as agreed, once a week Joy would join her friends for lunch or dinner. The situation with Buck remained in a state of stalemate, sometimes cordial, sometimes more surly, but they had never had the opportunity to be alone for a while like at the river, even though Joy had so many things to ask him.
One day, Jimmy and Jesse went to the general store with the shopping list Rachel had left them. After they had gone, Joy noticed that they had forgotten a sack of sugar and told Thompkins she would take it to the station as soon as the shop closed.
When she arrived, she found both Rachel and the boys working on the fence, while Teaspoon was still in his office.
"It seemed to me that something was missing but those two forgetful ones assured me that they hadn't forgotten anything. Thanks honey for bringing it to me", Rachel told her as she arrived with the sack of sugar under her arm.
"Don't worry, so I'll take the opportunity to say hello and to confirm dinner with me on Saturday", Joy replied.
The boys approached to greet her and Lou, noticing that Joy always wore the same necklace, said to her: "You really never part with it eh?"
Joy took it between her fingers and said: "No, it is very precious to me and has a special meaning"
Buck intervened and said to her somewhat scornfully: "Do you at least know what that means?"
"Of course I know, I don't wear it at random or without giving meaning to such an important symbol for your people"
"As if you Europeans really care about our culture"
"Buck, don't be rude", Rachel scolded.
"Don't worry Rachel, I'm getting used to hisr temper. In fact, you know what, Buck? You made me a little tired. I have nothing to reproach or be ashamed of and if my actions and passions don't suit you, you know what? I'll get over it"
"Now who's the rude one?"
The boys watched this bickering in disbelief.
"But may I know what I did to you? I can understand that I don't have to be nice to everyone, but I honestly believe I don't deserve this behavior of yours."
"And what do you think you deserve then?"
"Respect for my ideas, just as I respect yours and everyone else's"
"Oh here comes miss prissy"
"Damn but why do you have to be so irritating? And to think that if only you weren't so obnoxious… bah, never mind"
"No no, go ahead. What do you?"
Joy was so angry but felt so attracted to him that she could not contain her impulse and, since during this exchange they had gotten so close to each other, almost to such an extent that she could hear his heavy breathing on the her face, pressed her lips to his and kissed him.
She immediately regretted it, but by now she could no longer hold back and only hoped that he would return the kiss, but it didn't happen that way.
The boys and Rachel were holding their breath the entire time.
Joy broke away from Buck's lips, looked at him with tears in her eyes and said: "And once again I was wrong. Sorry" and without looking at or even saying hello to anyone, she went home.
Buck followed her with his eyes but didn't move a muscle, incredulous at what had happened.
The first to break the silence was Jimmy: "Fiu", he whistled, "you can't say she doesn't have a friendly character", he said to Buck.
Cody returned to the bunkhouse without a word and the others also returned to their activities in silence.
Only Buck, Rachel and Lou remained there, to which the woman motioned to leave her alone with the boy.
"Why didn't you stop her?"
"Why would I have to do that?"
"Because if it's still not clear to you, she has feelings for you and she would like to get to know you and your traditions better, but you're too stubborn to understand it and you've erected a wall"
"I don't have to reciprocate her feelings"
"Absolutely not, but if I know you even a little bit, you're lying and deep down you like her, but you're too proud to admit it to yourself. Don't be silly Buck, get your heart straight asap. If you wait too long, you risk losing her. If I'm wrong, then I apologize."
Buck looked at her but didn't answer. He took his horse from the stable and galloped out towards the prairie.
Rachel hoped her words had some effect on him.
Buck did not return that night. He rode out to the prairie and camped on the banks of the river. He needed to clear his heart and listening to the sermons and comments of the boys would not have helped at all.
Joy ran home with teary eyes and as soon as she entered the living room, she collapsed on the sofa and burst into tears.
But what had jumped into her mind? Because she had kissed him. She had ruined everything. How was she going to look him in the face from now on? How was she going to still hang out with the others? She felt like she was dying of shame. She decided not to show up at the station again and to limit her meetings with the couriers at the general store. She was heartbroken because she had grown to love them all, but she couldn't bear the shame of Buck's rejection.
She fell asleep on the sofa without eating dinner and woke up only the next morning.