Today was a rational day.
Everyone might assume she couldn't do it anymore, but it showed how little they understood what had happened to her. On other days it wouldn't matter, but today, when she could think more like them, she realized how futile it was to expect anything, especially in a place like this. A place she didn't feel she deserved to be in. That might seem crazy, and she was sure they'd mock her for it, but it was true. After all, what was her crime?
Falling in love?
No, that's not why she was here, and it wasn't the lives she'd taken or the money and riches she'd stolen either. Those were just excuses because others had done far worse and would never see the inside of this place. Why? Because they had titles that protected them, and she did not. Governors, politicians, and business tycoons with so much blood money they could pay anyone off, even god. Their actions were far worse, yet they weren't forced to exist in a tiny little cage like hers. The ironic part? They called her a crazed monster.
Before coming here, Harley had always slept well, knowing she'd never done the wrong thing. That might not make sense, but it did to her, and that's all that ever mattered. It was the most crucial thing in the world and what had kept her from truly becoming like them, even before meeting Mr. J. No matter what, Harley never crossed the fundamental lines of morality, which made her human and not a monster.
It was what he liked about her. He never said it, but it wasn't something they needed to discuss, not even back then. J was a monster, and she wasn't. There were lines she couldn't cross no matter what, and somehow, he held onto that like an anchor, and for the briefest moments, she saw sanity too. That made them both as crazy as it did because that perfect second of clarity was when you saw the world for what it was and you despaired. It was the moment where she had to look at him and confess that he was right and the world would be better off burning to the ground so they could rebuild it from scratch and make it better.
The bat and everyone like him was doing patch jobs to hold everything together. That's not what Harley wanted, not even now. She'd wanted to save people. Not for a pat on the back, praise from her mother, or even to make her dead father proud. She'd tried to help them so families weren't destroyed, children didn't have to grow up like her without a parent, and people like J didn't feel like they had to cross that moral line to justify their existence. Unfortunately, she'd been naive then, but not anymore.
You couldn't do a patch job; there were too many holes to plug up.
'Idiots,' She thought, hanging from the ceiling. 'And I'm the one who's nuts?'
Today Harley was willing to take the hit on that statement. By the normal standard, she was out of her mind. She'd given it all up for a man. It was the most anti-feminist thing any woman could do, and it hadn't always been a good thing. As she knew, J wasn't the typical man and was set in his ways even if he was a living sphere of chaos.
She'd crossed him more than once, and she'd felt the consequences of doing so, but no one understood that he'd crossed her, too, and he'd felt the same burn.
Were people so blind they didn't understand that? Even in her almost nonexistent circle of friends, they couldn't understand why she stayed. The times she'd shown up with bruises that couldn't be explained away as anything but what they were, or the stricken look of disbelief or regret on her face that she'd categorize as abused sold her out. She never tried to justify it. How could you when no answer would placate their needs? How could you when it meant explaining why it was alright and it would label you as another battered woman who needed to be in a domestic violence shelter and protected like a little mouse?
No, that wasn't Harley.
She didn't need protection from J, even at his worst, and no, that wasn't her being delusional or battered wife syndrome. It wasn't like that. Yes, he knew he hurt her, and it could be bad, but it went both ways. There were times when she'd done the same, and he'd been the one who needed protection from her. Were people that blind they didn't understand? What they were, the thing they'd become, demanded things the 'sane' social construct could never understand.
No one knew how much their biology and brain chemistry had changed, not even her, and she'd tried to do the research. The technology required to learn how much damage that chemical bath had caused in both of them needed more than just money. It simply didn't exist yet, and Harley wasn't an engineer. The other issue with this research is that you need more than two test subjects. Some things needed to be done that neither she nor J were willing to go through. Particularly the removal of organs and their brains. That was going too far for the sake of science.
She'd attempted to use lab rats and chimps, but all those attempts failed her.
The animals couldn't tolerate the toxins and died the second the stuff was in their systems. So, she'd taken it a step further, going back to her ancient research to find the answers. Human testing. Unfortunately, she found the same problem. The subjects she'd used all died or went crazy. Then, when she autopsied their bodies, the damage she found never matched what she'd been able to learn from J and her.
They were in the smaller percentile, and the fact that either of them survived was nothing short of a miracle.
'No, not a miracle,' She thought bitterly. 'Him.'
There was the crux of it all, wasn't it? J was why she was now the way she was, and it'd taken more than taking her to the factory to make it happen. Maybe that's where she'd gone wrong in her research. After all, J had to psychologically alter her way of thinking to get her to a point where throwing herself into that vat of chemicals wasn't only plausible but the only answer. So, maybe the only way to survive was to understand and embrace that you were already dead.
'That's why Guy couldn't take it,' The thought was strangely comforting, and it didn't escape her that she'd had these thoughts before.
It was rare for her to think of the man she'd thought was the love of her life. Honestly, she had a hard time focusing on him. It had nothing to do with J. Harley could recall her former lover with perfect clarity when she thought back on that time in her life, but that was also the problem. The memories were frayed, and making that connection to the past wasn't easy to do. Everything there was safe and undamaged, but the link around it was the problem. Yet, days like this made temporary bridges, and she could walk in the strangeness of her past and think of him.
Harley wished she could say she felt anything for him, but there was nothing more than nostalgia now. In the beginning, before the day she was reborn, it still mattered to her because her brain still worked like it was supposed to. At least as much as it could after all the torment J and her put it through. However, now it was nothing more than opening an old box with memories and looking through them to feel something.
Guy had been someone she loved, but not enough to do anything for. Not enough to die for or, more importantly, live for. Yet, her dead boyfriend represented more than a memory of the past. He was the catalyst. No one except J knew that, and no one would. It was private, and these amateur psychology majors didn't have the skills it took to get her to admit her real name, let alone get access to the truth.
Harley hadn't been the one to introduce the Joker to their relationship. It'd been Guy. So, in a way, it was his fault she was in the predicament she was in now. Maybe it was for the best, considering how he ended up, but she also had him to thank. If it wasn't for his almost worshiping fascination with J, she would've never gone down the path she'd taken.
Too bad he didn't have it in him to follow her.
That's the problem with wannabes. They don't have the fortitude to push past the line that ensures your survival. Guy didn't have it in him to become more than he'd been, but Harley did. She'd burned through the fire and come out the other side, verified and certified. Now, she looked at that old version of her with pity and disgust because she'd thought she was happy and in love. That girl didn't know better.
Yet, a fraction of her lingers in the shadows, another voice in her collection of secret friends who slowly destroy her and keep her safe.
Today she isn't Harley Quinn or even Harleen Quinzel. Those personality days are unpredictable and can be perfect or traumatic depending on what's happening. It also isn't a day for the queen. Those days are chaotic no matter what the quality is. The person with the wheel is someone she'd wanted to be so badly it hurt. She was respected and admired because she was worth her weight in gold as a doctor and researcher. This person could pretend to fit in, even though she never could.
Dr Harleen Quinzel. Psychologist of the criminally insane.
A/N Before anyone says it. I KNOW. It's been a minute and I haven't updated this story, but my reason is as legit as it comes.
I'm under contract with my original work and that means posting daily. If you're an author, you can imagine that can get pretty stressful. Especially when your backlog tanks like it got hit by a missile. Which happened to me. I had thirty chapters and realized I'd written myself into a corner, had to delete most of it and start again. This put a nice happy wrench in all my plans, including getting this updated more frequently.
However, as promised I will be finishing this, unfortunately, I'm not sure on the schedule. Sorry, paid work takes priority.
Anyway, hopefully you guys like this one and it was worth the wait. Though we're in the stages of the movie, it doesn't mean stuff isn't happening in Harley's head. Which is the center of the story. Thanks to those who still review and read, I appreciate it and you're the reason I continue writing.
If you're interested in looking at the OG work, which I know some of you have reached out to ask. Go to Webnovel and you can either look me up through my user name. TheSanuraka or type in The lost moon of silver. Prince of ruin is on hold right now, for the same reason as this story but it's still free if you're interested. Tlmos is free up to chapter 22. If you do head over there, I'd really appreciate a like or comment. I know that's really bad self promotion but I hate forcing people to do that stuff. So, it's very much appreciated.
Alright, I won't promise anything but I'll do my best to post more and try to get this done a little faster. Again, appreciate all of you and I'll catch you next time.