XXXXXII.
"So how has everything been recently, Cora?" She hears Vederia say so she looks up from her position sitting crossed-legged on the floor, and to the newest member of the Pathfinder team, who is currently on the ground in front of her.
"Good," Cora replies with a slight nod and notices that Vederia is looking straight back at her and doesn't look convinced of her reply. "Well, mostly good.." She continues with a sigh and watches the Asari give her a small smile of encouragement.
"You know you can tell me anything," Vederia adds when Cora doesn't immediately expand on all the awful things that had happened over the last few weeks, all the issues they'd faced, all the heartache and hurt. "Nothing you say will leave this room." She smiles again in a reassuring way that can only come from someone so controlled and that has peace in her mind.
Cora takes a deep breath and lowers her eyes to her knees for a moment, trying to decide where to even start. She'd wanted to speak to Vederia one-on-one like this to get her advice and maybe help her sort through her feelings and thoughts. Now that they were sitting in the quiet room that was usually used for meetings, she was feeling overwhelmed by it all. Cora shifts a little to get comfortable, resting her arms on her crossed knees and looking back up at Vederia who waits patiently for her to respond. This should be so easy, Cora thinks. Just to open up to someone that is willing to listen and knows what she's been through. Just tell her how she feels, tell her how she has been struggling with feeling in control.
"I don't know where to start." Cora begins and smiles lightly again.
"Why don't we start with something easy? You should tell me about Scott." Vederia replies making Cora quirk her eyebrow for a moment in surprise when she hears what the Asari Pathfinder has said but then feels the smile at the edge of her mouth at the mention of his name.
"Scott?" Cora asks and sees Vederia nod.
"Well, you light up when I mentioned his name. You must be very happy together." The Pathfinder laughs quietly and Cora nods in agreement.
"Yes, we are." Cora nods with a smile and lets her eyes reach Vederia. "Scott is.." She adds and pauses, biting the inside of her cheek and wondering if she should continue when she realises Vederia is trying to get her to open up and using Scott as the tool to do that. "Scott is wonderful." Cora nods. "He's kind and patient, and just makes me so happy." She smiles to herself and wonders if she's said too much. She knew she could sit here all day talking about him.
"Those are all great qualities to have in a partner. It's comforting to have no doubts about your relationships. Friendships and lovers, it's important to feel comforted and stable." Vederia smiles at her.
"I've never met anyone like him before. I've never known love like we have." She adds and realises she can't stop talking about him now she's started, and that makes her smile. "He just makes me feel so safe and loved. Scott is the only part of my life that I don't have any doubts about. That we'll be together forever." Cora says and sees Vederia smile at her words.
"You are blessed to have a constant like that in each other." The Pathfinder replies.
"I'm sorry, I find it hard to talk about things. I find it hard not to just shut down." Cora says and sees another reassuring smile from the Asari. "I just overthink everything and it's difficult for me." She adds with another sigh. "I just.." Cora adds with a shake of her head and pats her palms against her knees.
"Do you find it difficult to talk to Scott?" Vederia asks so she shakes her head, she knew she could speak to Scott about anything and he'd helped her open up and voice what she was feeling. He was the exception to the rule.
"No, it's easy with him. I just pour my heart out and he listens." She nods and lowers her eyes for a moment, letting her fingertips brush against the fabric on her knee. "But, he has been unwell recently, so that's been hard for us.." Cora sighs. "He's the strongest person I know and we almost lost him." She adds glancing up at Ved.
"That must have been difficult.." Vederia says making Cora nod and lower her eyes again. "How did it make you feel?" She asks and Cora can't help but sniff and lift her hand to wipe her eyes which are starting to water, she didn't want to cry.
"Scared of being without him," Cora whispers and sniffs again. "Angry that he didn't deserve what happened to him. Scott would never do anything to hurt anyone and he almost died." She adds and then huffs lightly when she realises Ved has probably heard all about what happened to Scott and his poisoning. The weeks he was so unwell and is still recovering from now.
"It doesn't seem fair, does it?" Vederia asks and she shakes her head.
"Scott went through all of that and he has me to be worried about, too." Cora laughs quietly and picks at the fabric again. "We don't always agree and sometimes I make him mad." She smiles to herself and then looks at the Asari in front of her. "But, I love him with everything that I am." Cora nods and Vederia smiles at her.
"That is all that matters," Vederia replies.
"I know Scott tries his best to understand me. He does everything he can to help me. But, the reason I wanted to talk to you is because you are the closest thing I have to someone that would understand the other part of me that no one else can." Cora continues but doesn't raise her gaze to the Pathfinder.
"Because I'm an Asari?" She hears the Asari's reply and nods lightly. "Tell me what's happened, Cora. Why don't you feel understood?" Vederia continues making Cora sigh and lets her eyes meet hers again.
"You know I spent time with Talein's Daughters, and that I received Huntress training." Cora begins and sees the Asari in front of her nod. "I was taught that everything was black and white. That there was no room for mistakes or overthinking. That you have to breathe, analyse and overcome. That you should never panic or let your emotions get the better of you." Cora huffs quietly.
"Yes, that's right." Vederia nods.
"I wasn't a very good student at first, always too emotional and too human. But when I returned to be with Humans, I was too Asari." Cora scoffs. "When I was with those without powers, I was too biotic." She adds and lowers her eyes again. "I never felt loved or appreciated for who I am until I met Scott.." Cora continues and sees Vederia smile lightly but can see she hasn't finished.
"What happened to make you feel different?" She asks so Cora lifts her eyes to look into her face.
"I'm not in control anymore, Vederia." Cora sighs. "It's been getting worse but I'm no longer able to tap into any of my training. My emotions and my feelings are just taking over and it's hurting people. I've hurt Scott. I've lost those skills to overcome these challenges I've been facing and I don't know how to get it back." She notices that Vederia gives her a sympathetic smile.
"You don't think that is because you've been with humans? That you are just out of practice?" She asks and Cora shrugs lightly, maybe the almost two years that she had spent with humans had made her more emotional. "How long has it been?" She adds.
"Two years. Yes, I suppose that could be what has happened." Cora replies and smiles lightly.
"Your inability to think and overcome like an Asari anymore isn't your failing, Cora," Vederia says with a reassuring tone to her voice. "It just sounds like it's not all of who you are now." She continues making Cora nod in agreement, maybe Vederia was right that she was just much more than a Huntress now.
"I guess I am much more than when I first arrived at the Initiative. Humans have rubbed off on me I think." Cora smiles at her. "And, I love that he's opened up this other side of me. But, I.. I've had panic attacks and I've lost control of my biotics more than ever before. I feel so weak now. How do I overcome things if I can't use my Asari lessons?" Cora asks Vederia.
"Scott did tell me what happened.." The Pathfinder replies with a light nod. "When you were on EOS?" She adds making Cora sigh and lower her eyes for a moment. "Would you like to talk about it?" Vederia asks.
"It's never happened before. It just brought back some awful memories." Cora sniffs quietly and lifts her hand to rub her nose so Vederia doesn't see her eyes which are filling with tears. "I find it very hard to be without Scott now. Does that make me weak to be so reliant on him? I feel like a piece of me is missing when I'm not with him." She adds and glances at Vederia to try and read her expression.
"Of course not. You obviously find comfort in each other." The Asari says making Cora nod at her words. "When things are difficult and you feel overwhelmed isn't he who you turn to? Aren't you who supports him when he's feeling the same?" She asks.
"Yes, he is. I guess he is better than anything I learned in my lessons." Cora smiles to herself and rubs her cheek gently. "Oh, I don't know.." She sighs lightly. "I know that he finds comfort in me, too." Cora nods and sighs when she realises that it's not as one-sided as she was trying to convince herself it was.
"We could work on the teachings together if you like?" Vederia says giving Cora another supportive smile. "Would you like to get that back? The peace and calm that you previously had?" She asks and waits for her response. "We can try some exercises that you would have done during your training and some readings." Vederia continues.
Cora hums lightly trying to decide how to respond, did she really want to go back to the way that she was when she was being trained on Thesia? Did she want to close herself down to those overwhelming emotions again and re-learn how to block them all out? Did she really want to bring up the walls that she and Scott had spent so much time bringing down? The Asari had given her so much but Sarissa had completely shaken her whole world and what she thought she knew. Her whole foundation had been a lie.
"I don't want to just be a Huntress anymore," Cora replies with a positive nod. "Well, not just that. I would like to think my training wasn't completely useless. But, I love being human and I want to know I can overcome things other ways." She adds which makes Vederia nod.
"You have so much to tap into, Cora." Vederia smiles at her. "So much training, and knowledge that you can use to overcome. I know what you have been through and it must have been very difficult." She adds making Cora sigh to herself, that was putting it very lightly. "I also know how much Sarissa hurt you." She continues which makes Cora look into her face and sees a flash of sadness behind the new Pathfinder's eyes.
"I think we have that in common," Cora says and reaches her hand out to place it briefly on Vederia's hand who gives her a grateful smile. "I believed so much in her. Probably as much as I believed in my training. I just felt like everything I'd ever been taught was a lie." Cora whispers suddenly feeling guilty for saying this out loud when she had only done it to Scott.
"Not everything." The Asari Pathfinder replies and gives her another smile. "The majority are good and honest. I'm just sorry that her lies made you question everything." She adds and Cora nods, although it wasn't Vederia's fault and she had quickly stepped up to take over when Scott had removed Sarissa from the role.
"You will be a much better Pathfinder than she ever was," Cora replies and notices that her words make Vederia pause and she is sure she can see her blush. "You've got all of us supporting you and here if you need us." She adds which makes Vederia's smile widen and her blue eyes twinkle.
"I'm supposed to be supporting you, Cora." Vederia laughs lightly so Cora smiles in agreement. "I'd like us to meet like this, as often as you'd like. Work together to help you through this." She adds with a positive nod and then waits for Cora to respond.
"You really think I can find that peace again?" Cora asks as her eyes search Vederia's. "I just need some calm but without losing all that I am now." She adds with a slight shrug of her shoulders, a bit of compromise would be good.
"I believe you can." The Asari nods.
"I would like to at least try. It would be nice to meet whenever we can even if we are always so busy.." Cora says and gives Vederia a grateful smile, feeling glad that she has so much support around her and this new kind of Pathfinder. "I really appreciate your help and for listening to me." She adds.
"Your very welcome." Vederia returns her smile. "Would you like us to try some breathing and focus exercises now? Something you can try in your own time. Maybe with Scott?" She adds making Cora laugh lightly and nod, knowing Scott was the last person to ever want to try breathing exercises of any sort.
"Sure.." Cora smiles and shifts to get comfortable again before fixing her eyes on Vederia to wait and see what she asks her to do. She notices that the Asari sits up straighter and rests her forearms on her knees.
"Go ahead and close your eyes." Vederia begins with a reassuring smile.
"Okay," Cora replies quietly and mirrors Vederia's position, resting her own arms on her knees and letting her eyes close lightly. "I'm ready." She whispers and although she knew they were currently safe on the Nexus, closing off one of her senses was not something she was exactly comfortable with.
"I want you to take a deep breath.." The Pathfinder's voice sounds calm in front of her. "Focus on the feeling of fillings your lungs." She adds so Cora does as she's told and takes a deep breath through her nose, letting her lungs fill like Vederia has asked. "Now hold it for three seconds and then release through your mouth." The Asaria says.
Cora counts silently in her head until the three seconds have passed and then lets out a breath, noticing that she can already feel how much calmer she feels by focusing on that. She knows Vederia is about to tell her to repeat this four more times so she automatically fills her lungs and focuses on letting it out slowly just as she's been told for another four times. Cora remembers how often she'd been told time and time again, to breathe and focus, something she didn't find so easy.
"Very good.." Vederia says quietly. "Now I want you to concentrate on slowing your breathing, calming your body, and lowering your heart rate. Do you remember how to do that, Cora?" She asks so Cora nods lightly.
"I remember." She whispers as she lets the stillness surround her until all she can hear is her heartbeat in her head.
Cora lets her breathing become so slow and controlled that from the outside it looks like there is none at all. She lets her mind focus on her heart which beats steadily in her chest but is calm and gentle. Cora has a flash of a memory, of her Asari instructor making her repeat this over, and over again until she got it right. It had taken her so much longer than the others and she can still remember the frustration she felt at not getting it right the first time.
"I want you to clear your mind.." Vederia whispers so Cora nods again.
"I don't know if I can." Cora sighs quietly and couldn't remember the last time she'd managed to do it just as she'd been taught, but surely it was still there somewhere.
"You can, Cora," Vederia replies.
Cora lets her mind move away from keeping her body relaxed and lets it begin floating around her other senses, knowing the only way to completely clear her mind is to let her body take care of itself for a moment and just allow herself to focus on nothing but what she is faced with. She lets her mind check in with her sight and her eyes that are currently shut, and then to her ears that can just hear the sound of Vederia's breathing and the constant rumble of the Nexus engines. Cora then moves to her skin that is currently prickling where she sits on the cold floor, and then to her mouth where she can taste the fake station air on her tongue. Once she is satisfied her body is not at risk and can carry on living, she clears her mind and locks down all of her senses and settles into nothing and peace.
"I did it." Cora gasps as she suddenly opens her eyes and lets go of the quiet, her senses slam back into life and all of them overwhelm her at once. She places her hands over her ears and closes her eyes trying to lesson them for a moment.
"You did," Vederia replies making her open her eyes to look at her. "It's still part of who you are and just waiting if you need it." She adds and Cora can't help but smile to herself, feeling pleased that she's still managed to use her training. "If you continue the breathing exercises you might not even need to get there again," Vederia adds and Cora nods when she reaches over and pats her hand.
"Everything is so loud.." Cora laughs quietly and remembers how much she'd suffered when she'd first arrived on Theia and it had been so loud, so bright, so overwhelming. Her training made her senses so heightened and maybe she'd let them dull slightly since she'd been with the Initiative.
"You'll get used to it again." Vederia smiles at her until Cora notices that the Pathfinder looks past her when they hear a knock on the closed door that she knows will still be glowing red, showing that they won't be interrupted during their session. "I think it's for you." She smiles.
"For me?" Cora replies as she glances over her shoulder and looks through the large wall of glass to see who is trying to get their attention and can't help but smile when she sees that it's her handsome Ryder. "Sorry, Ved. He's supposed to be in a meeting.." She adds and quickly climbs to her feet so she can let him in.
Cora steps carefully around the tables that they've pushed back to make room and crosses the small distance to get to the door. She smiles at Scott when she sees him lift his hand to give her a small wave and his own smile stretches onto his face when she gets closer. Cora presses her palm against the door control to unlock it which lets it slide open and give him access.
"Sorry to interrupt." Scott begins as he leans through the doorway but doesn't enter. "Hey, Vederia." He adds lifting his hand to greet her too and Cora notices he nods at his fellow Pathfinder before his attention returns. "Hey, beautiful.." Scott grins at her and then quickly closes the gap between them and kisses her, his lips lingering against hers for a bit too long.
"Hey.." Cora smiles and feels herself blush when she remembers that Vederia is watching her grin like a love-sick teenager because her boyfriend is there and has just kissed her. "I thought you had meetings all morning?" She adds and sees Scott nod lightly and then hold up the flask and bag to her that he was holding in his other hand and she hasn't even noticed.
"I do and have around fifteen minutes before I'm due back." Scott nods and she feels his eyes fix on hers. "So I got you a coffee and something sweet. I thought we could have lunch together?" He continues with another smile. "Would it be okay to borrow, Cora?" Scott asks looking past her and to Vederia who has now climbed up off of the floor.
"Of course." Vederia smiles as Cora glances over her shoulder at her. "I think we are finished for today.." She adds so Cora nods and smiles in thanks.
"Great, c'mon.." Scott replies and holds his hand out to her and she knows he is very confident he is going to be taking her somewhere now he's been given the go-ahead. Cora takes hold of his hand and notices that he slides his fingers through hers and that it is more comforting than any breathing exercise, Vederia was right.
"Thank you for today, Ved," Cora says looking back to the new Pathfinder who lifts her hand and waves it dismissively as if it is no bother at all.
Cora feels Scott squeezing her hand so she looks back into his face and lets him guide her out through the door and into the hustle and bustle of the Nexus. She can see that there are a lot more people moving about than there had been a few hours ago and that lots of them look to be heading to the gym, to have their own lunch, or to meet with friends. Cora holds his hand tightly as he weaves them through the groups of Initiative members until they reach some benches that run along the large windows that open out into the enormous mass of dark space and stars outside the Nexus.
"How about here?" Scott asks and nods towards a bench that has just enough room on the end for the two of them to perch. "Sorry, it's not exactly ideal." He adds and she watches him lower himself to straddle the end of it so she has a bit more space than him, and then pat the surface.
"I'm just happy to see you at all," Cora replies and sees that her words make him nod and grin at her, she didn't think she'd be seeing him until this evening if she was lucky. Even then they were both bound to have reports to write and things to keep them from each other. "How was the meeting?" She asks as she moves to straddle the bench too and sits in front of him, feeling her knees brush his as she does.
"Same old." Scott smiles at her as she watches him lower his eyes to the bag and flask that he places on the bench between them. "You know how they are. Could have been a video call or message." He adds and she notices that he picks up the flask and starts unscrewing the lid, the puff of steam escaping into the cooler air and the smell of fresh hot coffee reaching her. "Want some of this?" Scott asks making her nod as she places her hand on his knee and strokes him through his jeans absentmindedly.
"Please." Cora smiles and sees that he pours her a cup into the lid and then picks it up to offer it to her. She carefully takes it from him and draws it to her lips to take a sip, realising it is a little hot but tastes really good. "Baby, you need to eat if you don't have long." She adds and holds the cup out to him to take his own sip, wondering why he is wasting his precious minutes serving her coffee when he should be shovelling as much food and calories as he can into his mouth.
"I'm getting to that." Scott smiles at her and takes another drink of the coffee before placing it down between them. "How was it with Ved?" He continues and she notices he waits for her to reply but that his eyes are on hers, realising that the real reason he has rushed to see her during his very short break is to check on her. He really is the sweetest, she thinks.
"Are you checking up on me, Ryder?" Cora giggles quietly and notices that he shrugs slightly and that he grins. "It was really good." She adds with a positive nod and sees that he looks relieved at her words. "I think it's going to help and I think I'm going to keep trying to open up," Cora says and his smile widens.
"I'm really proud of you," Scott replies and she lowers her eyes when she feels him place his palm on the side of her thigh and squeeze gently. "I know you find it hard to talk about how you feel." He adds which she just nods in agreement and fixes her eyes on his again. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Scott smiles at her.
"She said maybe we could try the breathing exercises together?" Cora replies and notices that Scott just looks at her and his nose wrinkles slightly making her giggle. "Is that a no?" She giggles and feels him stroking her leg softly.
"I'm already pretty good at breathing." Scott chuckles and she notices that his blue eyes twinkle, like they do when they are together. "But, if it helps I'm in." He grins at her and starts doing some very dramatic deep breathing that makes her laugh. "How's that?" Scott smiles.
"Your right. Good breathing, babe." She replies and sees his smile widen when she leans closer and nuzzles her nose against his skin and then kisses his cheek softly. "Is there anything you can't do?" Cora giggles and hears him chuckle.
"You know I can't dance." Scott grins at her and his eyes meet hers.
"Completely not true." She replies with her own smile and a small bite of her bottom lip when she remembers exactly how good he's been at dancing with her. "Remember Harvarl?" Cora giggles and sees him nod.
"Seriously, I mean it though. If there is anything else I can do to help you feel better. I know I don't always know how to help you. I'll do whatever it takes to help you get there." Scott says but she shakes her head at him.
"You help me more than you realise," Cora says and places her hand over his so she can hold it tightly and tangle their fingers together. "I'm so lucky to have you. You just know how to make me feel better and so ridiculously loved." She continues and sees his smile widen and a slight blush on his cheeks. "Your love is such a wonderful thing, Scott." Cora sighs and strokes his hand.
"It's just a coffee.." Scott chuckles and then sighs when she leans closer to him so she can press her lips against his. Cora smiles when he lifts both of his hands and places them on her neck, his thumbs stroking her skin when he kisses her again.
"It's so much more than coffee," Cora whispers with another soft kiss. "It's you Scott, my wonderful supportive boyfriend." She adds with another kiss when he lowers his hand to take hers, his touch so comforting and sure. "I love you, more than anything." Cora giggles when he leans back to look at her, making her laugh even more when he kisses her forehead, her cheeks and then the tip of her nose.
"I love you, too," Scott replies with a gentle squeeze of her hand before she notices he lets go and takes hold of the bag between them. "Your very distracting, Cora Harper." He chuckles as she watches him reach inside and pull out two of the pre-packed lunches that she knows he'll have picked up at one of the cafes.
"Sorry.." Cora giggles and feels his eyes lift to hers again and he looks like he'd rather keep kissing her. "This looks nice." She adds motioning her head to the pot that he holds out to her as well as a spoon, lowering her eyes to look at the contents that look like a nutritionally balanced selection of grains, vegetables and nutrients.
"Uh-huh." Scott grins at her and uses his fingers to open his own food, quickly picking up his own utensils and lifting it to he can begin scooping it into his mouth. "It's interesting." He chuckles before taking another mouthful. It was everything they needed in a meal, but nothing like what she was used to him cooking for her.
"At least it isn't powder." Cora smiles at him and uses the edge of her spoon to lift some to her mouth. "Do you have to go back soon?" She asks when he pauses his eating to look at her and then nods as he takes another sip of the coffee and glances at the time. They never had enough at the moment.
"Unfortunately," Scott replies as drains the cup and she watches him screw it back onto the top of the flask, knowing he is letting her keep the rest after he's gone. "I have to be on my best behaviour." He adds with a crooked smile. "I should go before I'm late.." He sighs but she notices he quickly takes another large mouthful of his food when he glances at the time on his Omni. "Sorry, babe." Scott mumbles.
"That's alright, this has been nice," Cora replies and notices that he nods and swallows his lunch and starts putting his pot back into the bag, followed by his spoon. "Even if it's not even close to being enough time with you." She adds and sees him nod and smile in agreement.
"I know." Scott smiles. "I would love a few more minutes to hold hands and make out." He grins at her which makes her smile. "Make sure you finish your lunch." He nods and she watches him push the almost full flask of coffee towards her and then reach his hand back into the bag, pulling out a small paper-wrapped item from inside. "I got you your favourite." He grins holding out the slice of lemon cake to her, showing that he'd been paying a lot of attention to what she liked and didn't like.
"Your sweet." Cora smiles and takes it from him, wondering if she could bring herself to eat something that reminded her so much of Alec. She doesn't let the smile leave her face though, Scott didn't need to know that. "I'll see you at some point tonight?" She asks and sees him nod.
"You definitely will." Scott smiles and leans closer to her, so she quickly closes the gap between them and brings her hands to his face. Cora presses her mouth to his and kisses him hard, trailing her hands through his hair and resting them on his neck. She lets the tip of her tongue find his bottom lip noticing it makes him lean closer and keep kissing her like he has no intention of it ending. She had to give him someone to remember her by until she can see him again. "Wow.." He sighs against her mouth with a smile.
"That should keep you going. I'll miss you." Cora sighs as she settles back onto the bench.
"Same." Scott smiles before kissing her softly and climbing to his feet, taking the bag with him. "I love you." He adds and Cora can't help but smile to herself when he begins walking away and gives one last look over his shoulder and waves before disappearing through one of the many doors.
Cora lowers her eyes to the lunch that he has left for her, picking up the lid of the pot of food and quickly closing it back up. She had much nicer things to tuck into than that after all. Cora unscrews the lid to the coffee and lets the steam escape again, lifting it straight to her mouth and taking a long drink from the flask. The black coffee tastes bitter and warming as she finishes it. She reaches for the slice of lemon cake and slowly unwraps it with her fingertips, letting her eyes move over the light yellow of the moist-looking cake.
"It's definitely more than just a coffee." Cora smiles to herself when she lets herself look back in the direction that Scott has just left, knowing that Vederia is right and that he is her comfort even when he isn't trying. He just gets her more than anyone before. The complete and unwavering love that they provided each other was the greatest thing she could ever hope to have.
Cora trails her fingertip through the white frosting, bringing it to her mouth and immediately enjoying the sharp taste of the lemon. She was already starting to feel better, and that was a relief.