Chapter 17. So Far Apart

This chapter covers several episodes of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Rather than duplicate all the dialogue I chose to paraphrase the interactions with the characters and create new dialogue where needed. In making the mood board on Wattpad for this chapter I put the title in an open space and realized that "So Far Apart" didn't just refer to Bucky and Lacey but also to the dynamics between Lacey and Clint, forcing her to leave the safety of the farm, Bucky and Dr. Raynor, Bucky and Leah, Bucky and Isaiah Bradley, and finally Bucky and Sam. I love serendipitous discoveries like that.

—

Lacey didn't want to hear it anymore so she walked outside in the middle of Clint telling her again about Bucky trying to give him a letter to her. As she could hear his anger erupting even further she walked towards the tree house, wiping the tears away from her face. She wished Clint had taken the letter so she could at least begin to understand why Bucky left her. There had to be a reason but until she heard it from Bucky herself everything else was speculation. Her phone, stuck in the back pocket of her jeans, rang and she pulled it out, standing in the middle of the field.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Lacey," said the clipped accented voice of Shuri. "I thought you would be at the memorial."

"I couldn't," replied Lacey. "Was Bucky there?"

"Yes, he was there," said Shuri carefully. "He looked terrible, like a man full of regret."

"Good," said Lacey. "What did he tell you?"

"That he made a terrible decision and hurt someone he loves," said the young scientist diplomatically. "Based on what he told me I think it was his PTSD that was talking."

"Well, I guess that can always be used as an excuse," replied Lacey bitterly. "He left me in the middle of sex, Shuri. Pulled out, took the condom off, said we were a mistake and left. What kind of man does that?"

Shuri sighed. "A man who is still afraid of his memories," she said patiently. "He had a vision of something the Soldier did and it frightened him as he thought he was capable of doing it to you. He flinched when I touched his arm; a sign of regression.

Lacey could feel her throat constricting as sobs threatened to overwhelm her. She breathed deeply several times trying to deal with it.

"Then it would have been better if he stayed away until he could deal with them," she finally said. "I can't be jerked around like that; not by any man. You tell him when he has his shit together I'll talk to him. Until then he should just stay away."

Shuri sighed again. This was going to be harder than she thought. "He has already turned himself in and we are leaving for Wakanda within the hour," she stated. "I don't know when I will see him again."

"Well, that's unfortunate for him then," answered Lacey curtly, then she softened her tone. "Look, I still love him but he hurt me deeply when he did that. Tommy is devastated. Until Bucky fixes himself Tommy and I can't be around him. If that's harsh then that's how it is. Thank you for trying though."

She broke the connection and kneeled down in the grass, feeling like she wanted to throw up. At first she was going to stay here on the farm but with Clint being so angry at Bucky she wasn't sure that was good for her and Tommy either. She heard her name and saw Terry coming towards her. Surprisingly he had said nothing derogatory about Bucky which surprised her. Standing up she faced her big brother.

"Clint is still pissed," he said. "I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it's time we moved on."

"I was just thinking that," she replied. "I could buy a new farm but honestly, I'm missing city life right now."

"How do you feel about moving to Philadelphia?" he asked. "I just got a text from my renter. They're moving out. Three bedrooms, penthouse. It's the only thing I own outright. Nancy will be nearby as well."

"I accept," said Lacey. "There's a school nearby, right? As long as I walk Tommy to and from school he should be safe. What will you do?"

"I've put out feelers to the university about coaching," he replied. "I think I would be good at it. Being around Tommy helped put things into perspective."

"You haven't said anything about Bucky," she stated.

He took a deep breath and looked away briefly. "Before you came down the stairs that night he and I were having a good talk," he said. "I think whatever he said to you, whatever he did, came from a place of fear that overwhelmed him. He was likely afraid of physically hurting you because that's the only thing I can see making him leave you. He just needs to find himself again. Then you have to forgive him."

"I don't know if I can," replied Lacey. "I don't know if Tommy can."

"You forgave me," he declared. "I was terrible to you many times over. Your forgiveness saved me. At some point you can save him with three words. That's the last I'll say about it."

They walked back to the house where Laura had finally succeeded in calming Clint down. Lacey thanked them for sheltering them for so long then announced that she, Tommy and Terry were planning to live in Philadelphia.

"What about your safety?" asked Clint. "You'll be visible there."

"If Sharon Carter could find me here I can be found anywhere," said Lacey. "I'll let SHIELD know and see if Wong can put a protection spell on the apartment. It's a penthouse, with its own elevator, right?"

She looked at Terry for confirmation. "Yeah, it's very secure," he replied. "I rented it out when Lacey asked me to live here during the Blip. Now that your family is back it's better if we give you your privacy. I'll be there. We can walk Tommy to and from school. It's time we started living normally."

Three weeks later they said goodbye to the Bartons and began the long drive to Philadelphia. They stopped in Toledo staying at a motel for the night then drove the rest of the way the following day with both of them sharing the driving. When they arrived at the apartment building the concierge let them into the underground parking and handed the pass keys to Terry, welcoming him back after his time away. The trip up the elevator took only a minute and when they got out Terry was happy to see his tenants had kept it up. The furniture and appliances still looked good and it was obvious a cleaning company had been in.

"They even bought us new bedding," he called out when he went into his room. "Nice people." He went out and picked up Tommy's bag leading him to a bedroom. "This can be your room. We'll get a desk and a computer for school work. There's a sports field nearby where we can toss the football around."

Tommy hugged his uncle while Lacey went to the third bedroom and put her bag on the bed. She could hear the traffic noise outside but it wasn't as bad as she expected. As she pulled her clothes out of the bag the origami heart fell out, along with the picture of Bucky in Bucharest. She picked both up and looked at them, then placed them in the nightstand with a sigh. Why did loving someone have to be so hard sometimes?

After a major grocery shopping expedition, and a phone call to the school for an appointment to register Tommy the next day the three of them sat down to a meal and began what they hoped would be a relatively normal life in Philadelphia. Terry was successful in becoming the receiver's coach for the university football team and would be checking in there the following day. Lacey had already advised her publisher of the move. Her bank account was healthy and she had an idea for her fourth book. She would be able to write in the apartment without interruption once Tommy began school. It was a new start and she would make the best of it.

—-

It was the Hotel Inessa in Russia. The Soldier burst through the wall and took out the entire security detail of his target, a Russian oligarch. Then he grasped the target around the throat and squeezed.

"Hail HYDRA" were the only words he said just before the man slumped to the ground, dead.

The sound of a man breathing in fear and trying to put a key in a lock reached him and he looked to his left. A witness. Taking several steps towards him the Soldier focussed his attention on the man who was whimpering now, turning towards him in fear. Calmly he took the gun out of his holster, aimed it right between the man's eyes and pulled the trigger.

Bucky sat up, breathing heavily, as he woke from the nightmare. Ever since he started living in Brooklyn, it was this particular nightmare that haunted him. Even leaving the TV and the hallway light on didn't stop it. He sat there, trying to calm himself. The worst part was that until he made amends it wouldn't stop but this atonement was the hardest one yet. Hard because he made friends with the victim's father, Yori, and knew the man still suffered over the murder of his son. Sighing he got up off the makeshift bed he made on the floor. Bed, he smirked, ... it was a blanket and a couch cushion. Stepping into the shower he ran some shampoo through his now short hair and washed his face and body, rinsing off and stepping out within five minutes. The shaver took off some of the excess stubble from his jaw and chin, just enough so it wasn't a beard. He liked the feel of it when he rubbed his jaw with his flesh hand. After looking at himself in the mirror he turned away, disappointed with the man he saw.

After spending a month in a secure facility, then another month undergoing psychiatric evaluation he had finally been deemed "safe" to live amongst people. They even gave him his army pension, adjusted for the length of time he was a prisoner of HYDRA, also adjusted for inflation. It was enough to rent this small flat and eat out once in a while. His lawyer was still working on the claim for compensation; he had all the files from HYDRA which showed that certain high-ranking Army officials at the time, who were also HYDRA agents, knew he was alive and being tortured into becoming the Fist of HYDRA. Bucky figured it would be a long time, if ever, before he saw any of it.

He went to what was supposed to be his bedroom but really was just where he kept his clothes and put on his black jeans, long sleeve black T-shirt and black boots. Running his flesh hand through his still damp hair he styled it, somewhat, then noticed the picture of Lacey, stuck into the frame of the dresser mirror. It was the one he took from her place, the one the CIA confiscated when they arrested him in Leipzig. His lawyer went through a lot of trouble to get Bucky's possessions from that arrest returned to him. The only possessions he really cared about were that picture, her first and second book, the crucifix Eleni gave him, and his memory books. Even though he knew he had irreparably damaged the relationship with Lacey forever he still liked looking at the picture, reminding him of that day and night they spent together. He did wish he had a picture of Tommy, especially with his birthday coming up. With regret he realized he didn't have an address to send a birthday present to him. Some father.

Grabbing his black jacket he whirled out of the apartment and took the bus to his appointment with Dr. Raynor, his therapist. They were like oil and water. She wanted him to talk while he just wanted to be left alone. She brought up that he hadn't answered any texts from Sam. There was a reason for that ... Sam had given the shield to the Smithsonian deciding he wasn't up to being Captain America. Bucky knew he couldn't talk to him without the bitterness of that decision rearing its head.

Once again Dr. Raynor went over the three rules; don't do anything illegal, don't hurt anyone, and make sure the people he was atoning to knew he was no longer the Winter Soldier. He was James Bucky Barnes. It was exhausting talking to her and while he had no doubt about her qualifications he wished he could have had someone else. She didn't know about Lacey and Tommy; at least she hadn't said anything about them and he wanted to keep it that way.

After he left his therapy appointment he headed out for lunch and came across his friend, Yori, in the middle of an argument with a neighbour, Unique, or as he said like Monique but with a U because he was unique. Bucky did all he could to keep his eyes from rolling on that reasoning. To his embarrassment Yori set him up on a date with Leah, the server at the sushi bar they went to. Still, she agreed to it and he decided to follow through.

The following evening he showed up at the sushi bar with a bouquet of flowers because that's what guys did in his day. To her it was funny, describing the gesture as an old fashioned thing to do and he found himself on the defensive from the get go. She was nice but she wasn't Lacey and he found it uncomfortable when she brought up Yori's son, R.J. Partway through the meal Bucky excused himself, to Leah's confusion and went straight to Yori's apartment, intending to confess to R.J.'s death but he couldn't get the words out and instead paid Yori some money he owed him. That night he had the nightmare again and woke up on the floor, feeling like shit, once more.

A few days later Bucky received a gut punch when the American government announced a new Captain America on live TV, a man by the name of John Walker, a three time Medal of Honor winner. Bucky sat on the floor watching Walker's interview on TV and couldn't believe the bullshit coming out of the guy's mouth, especially when he described Steve as being like a brother to him. The sour taste in Bucky's mouth at that point was almost enough to make him throw up. He received a text the following day from Sam that he was going to Munich on a mission. Angry at him for what he considered a betrayal of everything Steve stood for Bucky showed up at the base, flashed his veteran's ID and went to the hangar that Sam would leave from. As Sam came down the stairs with Torres to board the aircraft Bucky walked right up to him and told him he shouldn't have given up the shield. Sam ignored the anger in Bucky's voice and kept walking, until he couldn't ignore what Bucky said next.

"You knew this would happen?" demanded Bucky.

"No, I didn't know," replied Sam. "The shield was supposed to be retired, never to be associated with any other man. I was just as blindsided by this as you were."

"Tell them you want it back," stated Bucky.

"I can't do that," answered Sam, frustrated. "I can't tell them I changed my mind just because I don't agree with their decision."

They went back and forth some more, each getting angrier and more frustrated with the other until Sam put his foot down and told Bucky he had something more important to deal with. He brought up a picture on his cell phone of a man with a black mask, covered by a red hand and told Bucky the guy was strong, too strong. Bucky wasn't impressed so Sam told him about the Flag Smashers and how they were causing incidents across Europe. Then they got into a nonsensical conversation about the big three, aliens, androids and wizards. In frustration Bucky invited himself along on the flight to Munich on a military cargo plane, picking up a go bag he just happened to bring. After changing into fighting clothes, and setting himself up with a comms piece, he sat and glared at Sam the entire flight. Suddenly Lt. Torres, the intelligence officer on board, called out 30 seconds and Sam jumped out of the aircraft using his wings. Bucky asked for a chute, was told there wasn't one and with a cocking of his head, tore his left sleeve off, jumping out of the aircraft without one being only 200 feet up. Crashing through the trees below him Bucky landed on the ground, flat on his back, only to have Sam laughingly tell him it was all on camera. Sam sent Red Wing to guide Bucky to where he was, inside a building where the Flag Smashers were loading a hijacked shipment of suspected weapons into different trucks.

When Sam used Red Wing's instrumentation to see a person sitting inside the back of the truck just before it and another truck left they interpreted it as a possible hostage situation. As Sam flew out of the warehouse Bucky ran, catching up quickly to the truck and opening the back door to get inside.

"These are all filed with medicines," said Bucky, once he was inside. Suddenly a young woman shyly poked her head out from behind one of the containers and Bucky greeted her. She went back behind the container and Sam's voice asked him what was going on. She came out again, looking scared. "I found a girl. She looks terrified."

A smile broke across her face and she kicked Bucky in the chest, right out of the truck and onto the front of the truck behind. He swore as he held on to the grille of the truck. She put a Flag Smashers mask on then leaped onto the cab of the second truck at the same time he was pulled up by two other mask wearing men. The three of them began beating him so Sam sent Red Wing to fire on them but the woman leaped up, grabbed it and destroyed it. In response, Sam landed on the truck and engaged the woman but she tossed him to the other truck which also had three mask wearing people on it and soon found himself on his back. Just as one of the Flag Smashers was about to hurt him an object came out of the sky, hitting the man and knocking him over. As both Sam and Bucky watched, the new Captain America, John Walker, and his second, Lemar Hoskins, landed on top of the moving trucks from a helicopter. Using the shield Walker was able to knock several of the others off. The other Flag Smashers resumed their attack and Bucky fell off the side, using his vibranium arm to slow his descent and hang on. Trapped underneath the chassis of the truck he was unable to get back up. Sam flew alongside of him just as the chassis began to come apart. Flying directly into him Sam grabbed Bucky and flew him through to the other side of the truck, rolling over and over until they came to rest in a field.

He lay on his back after rolling off Sam, looking up at the sky. "I think you were right about them," he announced grimly. "They're too strong. They have to be super soldiers."

"Tell me something I don't know," groaned Sam, still hurting from the tumble into the field.

They pulled themselves up and made their way to the road, both wondering how there were suddenly a group of super soldiers on the loose. While they walked an army vehicle drove up beside them with Walker and Hoskins in it. Walker talked to them about working together which irritated Bucky to no end. They finally agreed to take a ride back to the airport with them and Sam told the other two that those people were super soldiers. As they talked back and forth Bucky finally had enough with what he saw as two guys who didn't understand what they were really up against and he got out of the vehicle, walking towards a nearby town. Walker tried to convince Sam to join him and Hoskins but even Sam felt insulted by the attitude and also got out, catching up with Bucky.

"I'm not working with him, Sam," declared Bucky, turning suddenly. "Neither of them. They don't have a fucking clue."

"Look, I know you're still pissed about the shield," said Sam diplomatically. "He seems to think we owe him our assistance which considering how he talked down to both of us is the last thing either of us wants. But we can't allow ourselves to be affected to the point where we're on the outside, looking in."

They arrived at the train station and were able to purchase a couple of tickets to the airport. Neither said anything on the trip there and even on the flight Bucky sat brooding while Sam observed him. Bucky brought up taking the shield back but Sam pointed out the last time that happened Sharon had to go underground and both he and Steve were on the run for two years. Grimly, Bucky stood up and sat next to Sam, then looked at him seriously.

"You need to meet someone," he said quietly.

He wouldn't say anything more until they landed back in the States. After changing into civilian clothes they took a train to Baltimore and Bucky took Sam to an ordinary two story house. He knocked on the door and it opened to a young black man who looked suspiciously at both of them.

"We want to see Isaiah, please," said Bucky.

The young man who answered refused to let them in until Bucky said one more thing. "Look, tell him the guy from Goyang is here," he answered. "He's knows who I am."

The young man closed the door while they waited. Bucky offered little explanation and Sam began to wonder what was really going on. When they entered there was an old black man standing in a darkened living room, defiantly staring at them, especially Bucky. When he spoke to Bucky his voice was full of venom.

Bucky introduced Sam to him as Isaiah Bradley. By the conversation between Bucky and the old man Sam realized that Isaiah was another super soldier, one unknown to history. He had defeated the Winter Soldier in a physical confrontation in 1951, destroying his artificial arm. Isaiah's anger and bitterness spilled out of him as he detailed the reward he got from the military after defeating the Soldier, 30 years in prison and countless experiments performed on him as they tried to duplicate the serum that had worked on him. Bucky told him about the other super soldiers he and Sam encountered. But Isaiah didn't want to hear about it and ordered them out of his house. Sam was angry as they walked down the steps. Angry that there had been a black super soldier but no one knew about it. Angry that Bucky never told him before that day. Bucky explained he never told anyone about Isaiah, knowing that the man just wanted to live in peace.

Before Sam could say anything more a police siren sounded near them and two policemen got out of their squad car. Sam looked grimly at Bucky, expecting to be harassed for yelling at a white man. As the situation escalated Bucky finally asked if they knew who Sam was. Looking closely at them one of the cops whispered they were Avengers and suddenly their whole attitude changed. Another squad car pulled up with its lights flashing. The first two officers came back and apologetically told Bucky he was under arrest for missing his therapy appointment. Looking resigned at Sam, Bucky went with the two policemen, offered his hands to be cuffed and allowed himself to be put in the police car. Sam made his way to the station and waited to see if he could bail him out.

After some time an older woman approached him and introduced herself as Dr. Raynor, Bucky's therapist. At first Sam thought she had bailed Bucky out but she told him she had nothing to do with it. At that moment Walker and Hoskins walked in, indicating they had Bucky released on condition that he and Sam work with them. Dr. Raynor protested that Bucky's therapy wasn't finished but Walker claimed jurisdiction on him. Irritated at having her therapy schedule affected she ordered both Bucky and Sam into an interview room for a quick session. She tried several different techniques with them, seeing the hostility between them but neither would budge so she ordered them to face each other and gaze into each other's eyes, which disintegrated into a staring contest. Finally she got Bucky to share why he was so aggravated with Sam.

"Why did you give the shield back?" asked Bucky. "Steve believed that you could do this, could take his place. He believed in you and you act like it was nothing."

"You know nothing about it," said Sam defensively.

"So he was wrong for wanting the shield to go to someone he trusted," interrupted Bucky, his voice rising. "At least it looks that way to me. Maybe he was wrong about other people as well. Maybe..."

His voice broke and he couldn't complete the sentence as he glared angrily at Sam, who looked at him with a combination of sympathy and disappointment.

"I'm sorry you feel that way," replied Sam. "You likely won't understand because ..." Sam couldn't finish his sentence but Bucky could guess what he was going to say. He looked down, not accepting Sam's words which made the man angry. "We don't have time for this shit right now. Let's focus on the job we have to do and then we don't ever have to talk again. Okay? You happy?"

Sam got up and left. Dr. Raynor looked at Bucky, feeling that she had totally missed the mark on this session. Bucky left right after giving her a look from the doorway that said plenty. Outside Walker and Hoskins were waiting for them and once again asked Bucky and Sam to join them. Once again they declined. As they walked away Walker told them to stay out of his way. When they were some distance from the other two Bucky brought up that HYDRA might be involved and if it was there was someone they needed to bring in on the mission. Sam looked at Bucky in disbelief at first. He thought about it for a several moments then stopped.

"Alright, let's go see Zemo."