Just an Avenger (V)
"Welcome back, Lady Illyasviel."
Sella, Illya's homunculus maid and assistant, stood at the gate of the Einzbern castle and greeted her mistress as she approached. It was almost dawn by the time Illya and her companion managed to make their way there.
"I'm back. This person is my guest," she said, motioning to the one armed woman following her.
"Welcome, honored guest," the maid replied as she gave a slightly shallower bow to the other woman.
The absence of Berserker, who even in his spirit form had a heavy presence that even normal citizens could feel, was not pointed out. There was no need to. It was a Grail War, after all. The two walked past the gate and into the castle garden.
"It's a pretty luxurious place you've got here," Bazett said as she looked around.
"It's nothing," Illya said dismissively. "After this Grail War, it will be abandoned and forgotten about. You are just looking at a ruin in the making."
"I see," Bazett replied.
She didn't sound too concerned about the meaning behind Illya's words. The downfall of the Einzbern wasn't something worthy of notice to a Magus like that. They continued to walk until they entered the building proper. Not too long ago, this was the place where Shirou had come to confront Illya alone, back when she still wanted to kill him.
It seemed such a long time ago.
"You are one of the Fraga, are you not?" Illya asked as she steered away from her thoughts.
"What is it to you?"
"How did one of your clan come to be all the way out here, alone and unsupported?"
"If you are worried about possible implications of my involvement, don't. I had a falling out with my family a long time ago. You can just think of me as a stray dog."
"You are a strange creature. Why are you helping us?"
"I might be a stray dog, but I settle my scores. Whether it's repaying a debt or getting what I'm due from someone who's crossed me, I'll see it through."
"It must be nice being able to live so carefree. I can see why you summoned the likes of Cu Chulainn. Still, I wish you hadn't just left my foolish brother behind."
"Brother? That guy? Huh, that would explain why he was so adamant about finding you."
"He was?"
Bazett shrugged.
"The plan was that whichever one of us won against their opponent, they would have gotten you out of there and taken you back to safety here."
"That idiot. Always doing pointless things."
"Pointless?"
"I'm the Lesser Grail. My life will end to bring about the Greater Grail when the time is right. And even if the War was averted, this body has only a few months left to live. He risked far too much for nothing."
Bazett shrugged, and before she could say anything else, the doors opened again, and two more people walked in.
"Sup!" Shirou said as he strolled in with Rider in tow.
Most of his injuries were in the process of healing. While there were still gashes in his skin, they had at least stopped bleeding, and the outgrowths of swords that caused most of them were gone.
"Well I'll be damned, you are still alive," Bazett said. "You are even tougher than I thought. Wait, you still had a Servant? Why the hell didn't you bring her along from the start?"
"She wasn't available before. I didn't have any Command Seals, either, so I couldn't have forced the matter even if I wanted."
"Fine, whatever. What happened with Lancer?"
"Berserker crashed the party. Looks like Zouken's pet doesn't just eat Servants. It can spit them back out too once it's had its fun chewing on them a bit. I took advantage of the distraction to get away. Yo, Illya. How are you holding up?"
"I'm fine," she replied dismissively. "Berserker, how did he look like?"
"Big and hella mad. Oh yeah, he also looked like they had skinned him and pulled out his eyes. Yeesh."
Illya closed her eyes and sighed.
"As expected. Berserker is not someone that can be easily controlled at his full might. They had to remove some of his strength and much of his remaining sanity to make it work."
"Shit, I see what you mean, but he didn't feel any weaker to me," Shirou said, rubbing his neck. "Definitely crazier, though."
"You say that because he never had to show you his true strength. Even when he faced Saber, Caster, and Rider at the same time, he was just playing around."
"Fuck me sideways. Dealing with him will be such a pain in the ass."
"Dealing with him... Does that mean you have a plan?" Illya asked.
"Sure I do. I'm going to find Zouken, shove my foot down his throat and wear him like a boot, and then use that boot to kick Gilgamesh's ass into the ground. The other way around is also fine. I'm not picky."
Illya sighed.
"So that's what your heart is like," she said.
"What? Did ya think I'm some kind of goody two shoes all the way to my core?" he cackled. "Even a monk wants to punch an asshole in the face from time to time. They simply call that thought "Evil" and shelve it away. Just because I don't say something doesn't mean I don't think it."
"What's wrong with him, by the way?" Bazett asked Illya. "First time I saw him, he wasn't anywhere near this edgy. Though I'm not sure if I liked him better before either, come to think of it."
"Oi, I'm standing right here."
"Then why don't you tell us what happened to you?" Illya asked. "You are my brother, Emiya Shirou, but not entirely."
The young man shrugged.
"Who the hell even is Emiya Shirou anyway? Some dumb kid whose entire identity was burned away in Grail fire and then got picked up by a penitent Magus out of guilt? Because I am definitely that person."
"Don't dance around the topic."
"I don't know what you expect me to tell you."
"Fine, then I'll spell it out for you. Why do you have the spiritual core of a Heroic Spirit, and how does it not kill you?"
"Come on, princess. You, of all people, should be able to figure that out."
"Wait, slow down," Bazett said. "He has the spiritual core of a Heroic Spirit? That shouldn't be possible. Even the strongest human couldn't hold even the fraction of a Heroic Spirit that goes into a Servant. They would just explode."
"Sure they can," he replied. "As long as it's a weak-ass Heroic Spirit. The weakest of them all, as it happens. So weak that you couldn't tell it apart from a regular human being."
"Angra Mainyu," Illya said.
"What now?" Bazzet asked. "Isn't that supposed to be the thing inside the Grail that's corrupting it?"
Illya nodded.
"During the Third Grail War, my family tried to summon a god, even though it shouldn't be possible. We wound up summoning Angra Mainyu, the Zoroastrian devil. But he was weak, perhaps even weaker than a human. When it died though, it tainted the Grail, making it possible to summon Anti-Heroes from then onward. How did it come to reside in you, and how didn't it kill you? Weak or not, that cannot happen by accident."
"Funny you'd say that, because that's exactly how it went," he cackled. "Oh, so you do know why you are like this."
"Ah, fuck," he said, putting a hand over his mouth. "Shit, I'm not doing this on an empty stomach. Let's go eat something, I'm starving."
[br]
Rin, Saber and Caren returned to Tohsaka's mansion. After Shirou got away from them, they had to rush to the temple to deal with the singularity. They fought the abominations till morning, though they had no idea why none had managed to leave the mountain before they arrived. Caren said she had taken precautions, but much like before, she wasn't the slightest bit forthcoming with the method. Then again, the Church was supposed to be able to contain the Grail War, so it didn't come entirely as a surprise.
Furthermore, they had more important things to think about, and the moment they got back to the mansion, Rin decided to get to the bottom of things.
"Explain," Tohsaka demanded, slamming her hands onto her living room table while looming over Caren.
"I am not sure how I should do that. What I know is that he wasn't possessed. That form we saw is, in truth, part of himself. You said that it manifested when he removed Avalon and that he said he was Angra Mainyu."
"Now that I think about it, he didn't exactly say it," Saber explained. "I accused him of being that, and he applauded my deduction. He might have simply been making fun of me in some way."
"So what, Emiya has a split personality?" Rin asked. "That's what's going on with him?"
"I would not be so quick to assume that is the case either. To your knowledge, he didn't hurt anyone, did he? And when we last saw him, he had Miss Einzbern with him, who had previously been abducted by Lancer. In what way is his current behavior not consistent with his usual character?"
"He forced Rider to fight me," Saber said. "But he worded the Command Seal in such a way that she wouldn't have to use lethal strength. It's clear that he only wanted to get away from us."
"What are you suggesting?" Rin asked.
"There are two types of evil," Caren said. "That which goes against the natural order, and that which humans reject about themselves. The things we think but do not say — the things we want to do but do not act upon. I'm unsure about the details, but I think that what we have seen is simply the evil of Emiya Shirou. To perform an exorcism is to return something to its rightful place, but it's utterly useless if it's already exactly where it belongs."
Rin sat back in her chair.
"That idiot wants to protect us. He's not so stupid not to understand that there's not much he can do on his own. That's why he started the alliance in the first place, but it makes sense if he's acting purely upon his true emotions rather than what he knows he ought to be doing."
"That doesn't explain the changes though," Saber said. "In his appearance or behavior."
"...I have a hypothesis about that," Rin slowly said.
[br]
Shirou kicked the fridge close as he finished swallowing whatever he managed to scrounge from it, and sat at the kitchen table with a carton of milk in hand.
"So, what were we talking about again?" "How did you turn out like this?" Illya asked.
"Hrrm... What do you know about Angra Mainyu, the actual Heroic Spirit, not the thing in the Grail?"
"Not much. Besides it not being the god my family expected it to be," Illya replied.
"Yeah, that's the thing about it. It wasn't a god. It was a fucking nobody," Shirou explained. "Some person picked out at random by its own people for the purpose of carrying all their sins for them. A sacrifice and a totem, if you will. Someone they could blame for all the things that they found ugly about themselves. They stuck it in some dank cave and slowly stripped it of everything that made it human to the point that it couldn't even remember its own identity."
"Well, that's fucked up," Bazett said.
"That's humanity for ya. It might have been the first time, but it sure as fuck wasn't the last. Humans love to have a scapegoat ready to be sacrificed; someone to blame all their woes and shortcomings on so that they have an excuse to wash their hands clean of their own despicable actions. Anyway, back when the last Grail War ended, I was right there in the middle of the fire, getting slowly roasted to a crisp like everybody else. Now, let me tell you, that wasn't any normal fire, no way, no how," he said.
He then lifted the carton of milk to his lips and drank out of it in big, loud gulps.
"Ahhh... Only reason I survived longer than anyone else was because I had some latent potential as a Magus, but that shit burned right the hell up just like everything else. In fact, it burned so fucking much that all that was left of me was an empty shell with the appearance of a human kid. The curse from the Grail was literally eating me from the inside out. I was this close to being another charred husk. That's when Kiritsugu found me and gave me the Avalon treatment. It healed my body like nothing else could, but did shit for my mind and soul. Or about the curse."
"This isn't about a curse, though. It's about the spiritual core," said Bazett.
"It's the same thing," Illya said. "If the origin of Angra Mainyu is what he said, then the spiritual core acts as both a curse and a wish. A wish the Grail picked up upon."
"Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Now, the curse would have faded over time if left well enough alone, but since I started learning Magecraft soon after Kiritsugu adopted me, I sort of kept renewing the curse each time I did Magecraft. The damage it did to me was minimal enough that even in its inert state, Avalon managed to heal me, but in doing so, it hardened my body to the point that I could deal with that weak-ass spiritual core on my own. But when I took Avalon out, all the things I tried to repress came out, and here we are."
"How long have you known all this?" Rider asked, speaking for the first time since their arrival.
"Oh, I always knew. To an instinctual level, at least. Of course, my knowledge became complete only once Avalon was out of the way. Even now that it's back, there ain't no putting the cat back into the bag."
"So now the question would be, are you Emiya Shirou, who thinks he's Angra Mainyu, or Angra Mainyu, who thinks he's Emiya Shirou?" Illya asked.
He grinned.
"Why not both?"
[br]
At the Tohsaka mansion, the owner was drumming her fingers on the table.
"If that's the case, then Emiya has become something akin to a Demi-Servant and assimilated the properties of Angra Mainyu's spiritual core as his own," Rin said. "They are so enmeshed that there is no point distinguishing one from the other, meaning that all the exorcisms in the world wouldn't do a thing to him. All these years, Avalon must have acted as a mental filter, and when it was removed, Emiya's psyche was fully exposed to all the things he normally locked away. His own Evil, so to speak."
"That makes sense, but it can't be all there is to it," Caren said. "His mental state must have already been compromised for him to be overcome by something he dealt with his whole life."
"...He was still mourning Caster," Saber noted with a sorrowful tone. "He forced himself to go through the motions but was still clearly still not in his right mind. The wound was deep and still fresh. I believe that must have played a significant part in the change."
"Hmm," Caren agreed. "He probably wishes to avoid a repeat of that. If there is one thing that Shirou would not tolerate, it is someone dying for him. As long as he keeps away from all of you, he won't be putting your lives in danger."
"The point is that we can do nothing," Rin said. "He'll avoid us like the plague. The best we can hope for is that he'll return to normal once he's done grieving."
"I wonder if that's really the case. In any event, there is nothing left for me to do here. I should be going back into hiding," Caren said as she got up.
"Wait, we could still use your help," Rin said.
"No, I'm afraid I have already exhausted any resources I could spare to assist you. I will keep looking into this matter alone, but you would do well to focus your efforts on the Grail War for now."
"Do you think you can do something to help him?" Saber asked. "I believe that this is why the Lord wants me here," she said. "There is no way we can talk sense into you, is there?" Rin said.
"I'm afraid not. All the same, do not worry yourselves. I will keep my eyes on the situation. I'll let you know if I discover anything that can be of use. You have my number, so you know how to contact me should the need arise. I will be ready to do the same."
"Very well," Rin said. "We'll keep in touch." [br]
Caren left the Tohsaka mansion, and walked and walked and walked. She walked until she felt the familiar presence of her Servant next to her again.
"So that's how it happened," she said upon feeling his presence. 'I guess so,' he replied telepathically.
It was just the first piece of a puzzle, of which Caren had been holding only the final one until then. Emiya Shirou would go on pushing away the people around him. And the more he cared about them, the harder he'd push. There were probably more tragedies between now and then that would only compound his decision, but he would end up alone to pay for crimes he did not commit. She had seen glimpses through the Dream Cycle. Disjointed fragments that culminated in an ignominious death. So ignominious that the world erased its very memory of him from its records.
'You cannot save him,' Avenger said. 'No one can. He has already become me.'
"Not yet. And maybe you are right, I cannot save him. But maybe I don't have to. I just need
to set the right person on the right path."
'And who is that person?'
"I don't know yet, but I'm going to find out."
'Well, I suppose I have nothing better to do but to follow you around,' Avenger said. 'What's
our next step?'
"We are going after him, of course. You know which way they went, right?"
'I can't do much else, but my eyes are pretty good.'
"Then take me to him, Avenger."
'Sure thing, Master.'
The two of them started to make their way out of the city. [br]
Deep below the ground, golden-plated boots slowly made their way through the darkness. The very shadows scattered at his passage, and even the countless eyes of the Magus who had made his lair within those tunnels squirreled away in fright.
No one was foolish enough to bar the way to the King of Heroes, let alone when he moved with righteous purpose.
He made his way to the main hall underneath the mountain, and once there he stepped upon the elevated altar that served as the foundation of the Holy Grail.
The malignant miasma was palpable here, so thick and pulsating as if it was about to burst through the veil of reality and release its putrescent ooze upon the world.
All in due time. The King of Heroes had another priority now, one for which he would not wait another moment. A single door opened to his Gate of Babylon and a cup emerged from it. Its frame was pure gold and encrusted with jewels of a myriad of colors.
He held it out in front of him and pushed it against the point in space where reality was thinnest. Much like a pustule, it ruptured, and black mud dripped out, filling the cup with its tenebrous contents.
He examined it with a cold, disdainful eye. To dirty even the lowest of his treasures in this fashion was beneath him, but it was yet another ignominy he would have to wash away with the blood of that worthless mongrel.
For now, this would have to do. He put the chalice back into the Gate of Babylon and turned around, retracing his steps and disappearing from whence he came.
Only after he was long gone did the worms dare to return, but they weren't even worthy for him to notice, much less bothering to crush under his boot. His attention was already directed elsewhere.
There was a promise he had made that he was long overdue to keep. [XXX]